Ted, audio collective.
So, Saline, this might sound kind of random, but I have been thinking about adoption ever since I found out that about 2% of all people under the age of 18 in the US have been adopted.
That is one out of every 50 kids.
Huh, that's a larger number than I would have guessed.
Yeah, one of the reasons why that might be a higher number than a lot of people would expect is because many people don't necessarily have the identity of being an adult see, right?
They might just feel like my parents are the people that raised me.
Why do I need to go around explaining biology to a bunch of strangers?
So maybe we as a society continually underestimate that figure.
It feels like even in that category there's got to be so many different subcategories with their own stories too.
Yeah, roughly 1.8 million stories.
And that's if you just count the children, right?
It's worth telling these stories for no other reason than the fact that this is a really common experience.
Yeah, there's so many aspects of that.
Where can I focus in? Well, one of the things that I found kind of interesting was this research that came from the Children's Bureau, which is a US federal agency, which suggested that having some context between the child and their biological parents could be good for everyone involved.
And by that they mean not just the children, but also their birth parents and the adoptive parents.
They found that it can allow adoptees to develop a greater sense of belonging and it could help them to develop a deeper understanding of their own identity.
That makes total sense.
You know, that idea of developing a greater sense of belonging is really interesting to me.
I'd love to talk to somebody who's gone through that journey of making contact with their birth parent.
What does belonging mean to them?
Did they find a sense of connection?
Did it in fact really affect their identity and more importantly, how so?
Yeah, that just has to require an interview of a real human being to understand that a little bit.
I mean, statistics just aren't going to get you though.
OK, let's do it. I'm on it.
I'm Celine Mreshemwalla, Ed from the Ted Audio Collective.
This is a special season of M.I.
Normal. I was adopted when I was 18 days old.
So I was born May 18, 1988 and my parents officially adopted me and got off the plane in San Sanemingo on June 8, 1988.
This is Amanda Ray Scazafava.
Amanda grew up in Connecticut and an Italian American family.
She always knew that she was adopted and that she was born in the Dominican Republic.
But growing up, Amanda didn't have any contact with her birth mother.
My mom always told me that you were loved so much that your birth mother wanted better for you and you were given to us.
I always just kind of took that and went with it, you know, and I believed her.
But not everyone was as understanding as her parents.
I grew up in a very, very white part of Connecticut.
Everyone looked the same, came from similar income brackets.
So I was the different one.
Even when I did everything that I possibly could not to stand out, I still stood out.
And I think I was in sixth grade.
Do you remember those poster board things that we used to have to have her school?
Yup, those. Three panel sides, fair poster boards for sure.
We had a project and we also had to bake or cook something that represents our culture.
But I'm adopted and I didn't know what to do.
Then I'm not really Italian, but I don't know anything about being Dominican either.
What do I do? And the teacher told me, well, just do the easier thing.
Do Italy. Oh, interesting.
Wow. So I did Italy. It was the easier thing.
I was bullied day in and day out for being adopted.
Someone once told me through aim when that was a thing, how it was a feel that you weren't wanted.
Oh, over instant messenger.
Over in, yeah. Wow. You know, there was a period of my younger years where I just wanted to be invisible.
And it's like, I'm not going to cause problems.
I'm going to be quiet. I just want to just go to school.
Do what I need to do and leave.
You know, my parents showed me nothing but love.
But the hardest thing for me was when we're in school and we're different, you oftentimes can go home at the end of that school day and no longer be different because your parents are like you.
But not only was I different at school, I was also different at home too.
My mom not fully knowing how to grade my curly hair.
Why is it that my sister and I can eat the same exact thing and move around the same amount and she doesn't gain weight?
When did you first think about looking for your birth mother and what did your parents think?
I always wanted to find her that was never a question for me.
I was probably eight, nine, my mom brought out a big folder and it had my adoption papers and phone numbers when they were going through the process of adopting me.
And there was this number.
This is where the lawyer we worked with was living.
Why don't we give it a call?
And I was like, okay, we dialed the number and it rings and there was a man's voice and he goes, oh, la.
And I got so scared and I threw the phone and I'm like, okay, someone answered, but I didn't speak Spanish then.
So that was kind of that.
Amanda didn't try searching for her biological mom again until she was an adult.
For context, of course, not every adoptee has the option of tracking down a parent.
And even though Amanda had those initial papers for her, the search started with a lot of dead ends.
This book came out when I was in high school and you had to have like a dot edu to sign up for Facebook.
But then when I finally signed up for Facebook, I would say, maybe once a year, I would search for her name to see if someone came up.
No one ever did. The 23 me came out and I did it and I sent it in and then there was a part that said, you have matches.
I had relatives in New York City, but it was second, third, fourth cousins.
Amanda even took a trip to the Dominican Republic in 2015 and through an unexpected connection with someone at her Airbnb, her story wound up on a local TV channel where they described her search for her mom.
And all of a sudden, I'm on the 6 p.m.
News. Really dramatic music with my photo goings.
It was almost like I was missing.
It was very dramatic. People were interested in her story.
It reached a lot of viewers, but nothing concrete came of that either.
In the meantime, Amanda was now living in New York City, home to almost 800,000 Dominican Americans and she made some Dominican friends, took up Latin dance, really started diving into the culture.
All along, Amanda was still looking for her biological mother.
She went back to the DR a second time in 2016.
She told some people she met there about her search for her birth mom.
People tried to help her out, but she kept hitting those dead ends.
She went back to the US with no new information.
But then, on a third trip to the Dominican Republic, in 2017, she met a lawyer and he promised to help her.
They sat down and went through her adoption papers together.
Amanda lost touch with him so we couldn't contact him to confirm, but she says, He's like, I'm going to go and see what I can do.
The next morning I get a call from him saying, like, hey, I think I found them.
They're in La Vega, which is in the center of the country.
So the lawyer and Amanda make a plan.
Amanda will drive with her friends to La Vega to meet the lawyer at her potential relatives home.
Amanda will wait in the car and if everything checks out, if it's the right family, then Amanda can come and meet them.
We rented a car. We were in Harbacoa and you're driving down and that, that mountain is another level of steep.
I was so scared. Full and tired time.
I was driving. I was scared driving up it and I'm just trying to take deep breaths and he was like, everything's in me okay.
And even if you have no luck, it'll still be okay.
And so I listened. We were parked around the corner.
It was really hot. I remember I was wearing this blue sun dress and then a minute later, he's like, it's them.
Come with me. And I went up and they were all receptive to me right away.
They hugged me and I was asking, I'm like, what is she?
I want to meet her. I want to meet her.
And they're like, oh, she lives in Rome.
I'm like, Rome, is there like a Rome in the DRs, that a city here?
And they're like, no, it's India.
So she immigrated to Italy in the mid 90s.
So that's why she was so much harder to find because she wasn't even in the DR.
She was in Europe of all places, the last place that I would have looked because my last name is Skazofaba.
I was raised by Italian Americans and then I was like looking back at that project I mentioned to you when I was in sixth grade.
Well, just do Italy because it's easier.
Oh, wow. And that's where your mom was.
And it's like, huh, she was in Italy this whole time.
And so they all take out chairs from their homes and there was this older man there.
It's technically her uncle.
Apparently he's the one who raised her, raised her, man, he was so kind to me.
He's like, what's your favorite fruit?
And I'm like, well, I found out that I really like the both day recently.
I think it's like a sweet carrot juice.
But he's like, I have some of that.
And he goes and he makes me this most delicious fresh drink and we're sitting down.
It's so hot. And I was like, tell me about her.
And he's like, what do you want to know?
And I was like, everything.
And I'm like, yeah, what is she like?
What is her favorite things to do?
And he's like, oh, she loves to clean and to dance.
That's something that really hit me because I was neck deep in Latin dance and performing.
Yeah, up into your care.
And I also like cleaning too.
Like, if I'm stressed out, I'm going to grab the broom and just leave me alone.
So they showed me her correct Facebook, which is crazy because I had come across that Facebook numerous times.
But it said Italy. So it never occurred to me that, oh, she could be in Italy.
And we messaged on Facebook.
Were you afraid when you sent that message?
Terrified because she could just ignore me and block me and move on.
And there's nothing I could do.
Like, it's her choice if she doesn't want to relationship with me.
I was kind and gentle as I possibly could.
This is my name. And I was adopted here.
And are you her? And she said it's me.
Amanda was 29 years old when she finally found her biological mother.
I really wanted to know how the experience might affect Amanda.
Would it change the way she thought about herself and her entire identity?
Find out after the break.
After years of searching, Amanda connected with her birth mother, Josefina, on Facebook in April 2017.
Their connection was warm from the start.
Josefina messaged that she was happy to hear from Amanda as she had always thought about her.
They chatted back and forth.
And by August, Amanda was on a flight to Italy to meet Josefina in Rome.
I cried all the way, flying from New York to there.
And I had all these flashcards and I was just in panic mode.
And I was just like trying to study my Spanish.
And this woman next to me is like, you know they don't speak Spanish and Italy don't you?
And she doesn't know you're going through this whole other thing that she can't even see.
You're not like studying phrases to get by at a restaurant.
You're trying to have a real heart to heart with somebody.
What was going through your mind?
I was terrified. Like, is she going to like me?
What is she going to be like?
Of course. Like, is she going to be proud of me for what I have accomplished?
You're denying not doing enough.
Is she going to be disappointed that I'm not a doctor or?
And it's also awkward because you don't know how to act.
I didn't know how to be my authentic self with somebody who knew me first, knew me before I knew me.
There's this connection that I have with this person that I don't know.
Is it almost like a connection that just doesn't have history?
It's a connection that doesn't have a shared experience.
Yes. And it's very interesting because your mother, that's the first voice you heard.
That was your first interaction in just life was with that person.
And you have a connection with your mother by default most of the time.
I was super scared to experience a connection with somebody who was a complete stranger to me.
And I wanted her to like me, of course.
That's the thing about being adopted and going out of journey and to find biological families.
Like, why are you doing it?
Are you angry? Are you trying to find this person to unleash your rage and be like, why did you give me up?
Why didn't you love me? I didn't have those feelings.
I kind of went in thankful and happy because I loved my life.
And more so, it was, I want to find you to know who you are.
I want to know who I am. But I've had a beautiful life and I thank you because you helped me have a beautiful life.
Amanda Lanzin-Rome. And she's incredibly nervous.
I got off the plane. I was sweating.
Never felt fear like that before.
And she picked me up. And I was so scared.
But the second she saw me, she just grabbed me, hugged me, wouldn't let me go.
Wow. It was beautiful. It was really beautiful.
And we made plans to have dinner that night.
And I was so scared that she was going to bail.
So scared she wasn't going to show up.
But she did. I made her this book of my whole entire life from my baby photos all the way through to that present moment, but living in New York, what I was doing for a living at the time, all the stuff that she missed out on.
And I narrated it at the bottom in Spanish.
You know, so she knew who people were.
And this was me in second grade when I had no front teeth.
Wow. This is me in high school.
This was my prom photos.
And that's when I gifted her that book.
And she cried when I gave it to her.
It wasn't all rosy. Amanda and her birth mother also had some uncomfortable conversations.
For example. Amanda had always hated her name.
It was given to her by her adopted parents.
So she wanted to know what her birth mother had named her.
And the answer was she hadn't given her her name.
And that really affected me for a little while hearing that.
But I also know some of that is a cultural thing too.
So I wouldn't take it so personally.
I don't think it was necessarily intentional.
Because I was like, oh, you never wanted me.
You knew from the second you found out you were pregnant.
You didn't want me. But when she said that she was deeply sad by it, she told me that two weeks after she gave me up, she regretted it and went back to try and get me.
And she had found out that my parents had already left like days before.
Oh, wow. Going on that journey definitely opened up things that were liberating and beautiful, but also really hard too.
Maybe that's how it always is when we go looking for answers to big questions.
Some of the things we learn along the way are just hard to hear.
But Amanda says on the whole meeting her biological mom has been really helpful.
Yeah. Yeah, it did. I feel more accepted.
I feel more sure of myself pre-needing her.
I was so lost and confused all the time.
Growing up, I felt I wasn't white enough to blend in with my white peers.
But I was also not Latina enough for the Dominican girls in New York to accept me.
Mm. But because of finding her and learning to become Latina, learning how to be Dominican has been the best thing for me.
I feel so sure of myself today.
When we talked, Amanda was looking forward to spending more time with her biological mother, introducing her to Amanda's fiance, maybe spending time together in the Dominican Republic.
There are so many twists and turns in Amanda's story.
But the part that really stands out to me is how her sense of who she is keeps evolving.
And in this case, just like the research Mona mentioned, connecting with her birth parent and her roots did help Amanda develop a deeper understanding of who she was.
She finally found her place in the world.
And that world is bigger than she ever imagined.
Emma Normal is part of the Ted Audio Collective.
This special season is hosted by me, Celine Ressianwala.
This episode was produced by Joanne D'Aluna and edited by Sarah Nix.
Our team includes Daphne Chen, Constanza Gallardo, Michelle Quint, BamBan Chang, Roxanne High Lash, and Jimmy Gutierrez.
Jennifer Namm is our researcher and fact checker, original theme slog by Susami.
Sarah Brueger is our mix engineer.
And of course, thanks to Mona Chalavi for the invite to do this special series.
