Welcome to the Allie on the Run show.
I'm your host Allie Feller and this is a show where I talk with people who are doing exciting things on the run and beyond.
From professional athletes and celebrity runners to the everyday amateur and back of the pack runner, we are here to celebrate everyone and anyone who enjoys a life on the run.
Whether you find yourself running towards something big or away from something that has been holding you back, I am here to hold your hand and help you pick up the pace.
Before I get into today's episode, I want to give some big summer lovin' to UCAN.
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All right, let's catch up.
On this exact day, two years ago, I released an episode called A Life Update from Allie.
That is when I shared with all of you that I had been diagnosed with bilateral invasive invasive ductal carcinoma, breast cancer.
I had a double mastectomy followed by reconstruction surgery.
I did chemotherapy and then completed a year of immunotherapy infusions.
On September 17th, 2024, at the Dartmouth -Hitchcock Norris Cotton Cancer Center, I rang the bell celebrating being cancer -free, no evidence of disease, they say.
And this spring, oh, life was getting so good.
Still plenty of hard stuff.
I don't think that I would recommend going through cancer and divorce with a young child at the same time.
Kind of a lot. No, that is the understatement of the century.
It's awful. It's been awful.
But this spring, I found my light and I found my joy.
And you know that because I haven't shut up about it.
I was at the Boston Marathon doing my thing.
I hosted the largest ever Allie on the Run live show at the track at New Balance with Heather McLean.
I got to be part of the Boston Marathon broadcast. podcast I announced at the finish line.
I hosted multiple panels with incredible runners at the expo and I got to see and hug and celebrate so many of you.
I went right from there to the London Marathon, one of the most special, memorable, and fun trips of my entire life.
And when I returned, I celebrated my 40th birthday with Annie and loved ones and then I had a big 40th birthday blowout.
I was finally experiencing a kind of happiness I think I've always dreamed about, but it was different than the happiness I thought I'd have. It wasn't the life I fantasized about, but in a lot of ways, I was learning that it was better, it was deeper, it was more fulfilling.
The hair that I lost from chemo, it's been growing back.
It's so soft and shiny and healthy.
I'd gotten hair extensions back in October to fill in the gaps, and having extensions has honestly been really fun.
I've gotten to look and feel like myself or like a self that I'm pretty good with.
So I may have gone into 40 kicking and screaming, but once I got there, it felt like freedom, which people say happens.
I felt self -assured and confident and genuinely happy.
Like I could stand on my own two feet with two little feet and four paws right next to mine.
We've got a happy, peaceful home.
I was on top of the world.
And one of the coolest things about my 40th birthday party was that I invited some really special people from my cancer care team, and they actually came.
My surgical oncologist, my hero, Dr. Rosenkranz.
We had Blake Lopes, the plastic surgery PA who took such good care of me before, during, in between, and after my surgeries.
And Hallie from the infusion center.
Every week, oh man, Hallie picked me up off the floor when I passed out.
She held my hand on the hard days.
She has the prettiest hair I've ever seen in my life, and having them at the party was so special.
I was also in a ton of pain that weekend.
I'd started having some chest pain around the time of the Boston Marathon. Didn't think it was a big deal.
By London, it was pretty bad.
And by the time Feller 40 rolled around, I was at times immobile.
I truly do not know how I did an Orange Theory class and a four -mile run that day.
I have to imagine that was just a lot of happiness and adrenaline getting me through, but I was hurting.
There was also a teeny tiny bump on my chest that I'd gone to a few practitioners about.
I'd mentioned it. None of them were oncologists.
I had just mentioned it when I like got a massage once and they all suggested it was possibly a rib slightly out of place or maybe a little bit of cartilage.
Sometimes the pain would subside.
Mostly it it was just very debilitating.
When I would feel a cough or a sneeze coming on, and of course, this is all during allergy season, I would crouch to the ground and brace myself.
It was so painful. In the cruelest way, it actually hurt the most to laugh.
It's kind of a sick punishment.
So I, a 19 -season graduate of Grey's Academy, diagnosed myself with costochondritis.
us. I learned how to say it.
I learned how to spell it.
I talked to a bunch of people who'd had it before and all of the symptoms aligned.
I knew I needed to see a doctor for an actual diagnosis, but the timing lined up with my birthday party.
So I joked that I was going to the doctor that same day, which just meant that my doctors were coming to my party and I was absolutely going to mention it to them at some point.
So I did. I mentioned it to Dr. Rosenkranz and to Blake.
I had the best party ever.
And at 8 a .m. Monday morning, sweet Deb from Dr. Rosenkranz's office called to start lining up appointments for me.
In all of this, cancer never crossed my mind, not even once.
And I'm sure there were people seeing my posts and thinking, I don't know about this, Allison, but I beat cancer.
No evidence of disease.
It was finally the blip that I had declared it would be?
Of course, Dr. Rosenkranz later told me she knew.
As soon as she felt that bump and saw how much pain I was in at my party, she said she knew.
On May 16th, 2025, on that same damn Friday before the Brooklyn half marathon, when I got bad news in 2023, I was diagnosed with stage four metastatic breast cancer that has spread to my bones.
hormones, that pain, that debilitating pain that I have been feeling in my chest, in my sternum is cancer.
And I've been wanting to tell you, but this past month has been awful.
And this episode is already messy.
It's probably not going to get much better.
I'm just going to tell you upfront that I have not even begun to process any of this.
it has been all business.
I am on phone calls and in appointments all day, every single day.
I have barely been able to work, which is why episode posting and newsletters and everything has been sporadic and frankly pretty low quality for me.
The guests are great when I've had them, the guests are always great, but I am just going through the motions as much as possible and I am am here to share with you that I am drowning in it.
So this is why I was all, I think I have costochondritis and then never mentioned it again because it wasn't that and I learned what it was.
But there have been so many tests, so many appointments, so many new members of my medical team.
I've been up at Dartmouth at least two or three days a week ever since my birthday party.
And I've been down at Dana -Farber in Boston for second opinions, a shout out anthem.
Love that they refused to approve that out -of -network visit despite multiple doctors telling me that I should get it.
That $3 ,400 appointment bill was cool.
Loved that. I have been pretty desperate to share this because I hate not feeling like I'm doing my job to my full ability, and it is not for lack of trying.
I am trying so hard. I have an army of support.
My friends and family have stepped up in the most amazing ways.
I have have been asking for a lot of help and I thought I was past that I thought I would get to finally go back to being the helper and the planner and the fun one my cousin Jackie well I don't have to say my cousin Jackie you know her now Jackie and her husband Neil they had flown to New Hampshire from DC to come to my birthday party stayed here for the weekend they flew home on Sunday Mother's may 11th to get home to their two young girls and then two days later on tuesday i dropped annie off at school i was up at dartmouth by 8 30 a .m for a ct scan and an ultrasound and just like last time
we knew no one could say anything the techs bless them they can never say anything but they're looking at the screen and i'm sure they knew and by then i felt like i knew And Cousin Jackie got right back on a plane to New Hampshire to be with me.
Dr. Rosenkranz has checked in on me daily.
I remember answering her call that week and just crying.
I couldn't even speak.
And she just said, yeah, you should be crying, which was really validating.
I've always wanted her to be a straight shooter with me.
And she said, you know, we need to do more tests, but it looks like it's cancer in the bone.
and she said, this sucks and it's sad, so be sad.
So on May 15th, whew, I'm fine.
Well, I'm not fine, but I can get through this episode.
On May 15th, Jackie came with me to Dartmouth.
I had biopsies and I had more CT scans and whew, biopsies.
I remember my biopsies last time were on May 16th, 2023 23 and that was the, it was painful.
I hated it. Uh, you're awake for it.
You get local numbing stuff, but it's just biopsies are terrible.
Um, if you're someone listening and you do them, you do great work.
Thank you for your service.
I hate you. Um, so I, um, Dartmouth is amazing.
I've never waited more than like two minutes to be brought in for an appointment knock on wood but that's something I really appreciate is that at Dartmouth Hospital everything runs pretty smoothly or it has in my experience and so Jackie and I arrived and I was wearing my Feller 40 race shirt to my appointment and they said we're ready for you and they brought me in and so Jackie had to stay in the lobby in the waiting area and they brought brought me in and it was the same radiologist as last time.
And last time she had done, she didn't do my biopsies last time because I had those done in Concord, but I had met her for, I don't know, what would she have done?
An ultrasound something.
And I remember her because, well, I remember her name.
And I also remember that she was wearing Shox headphones last time.
And this was two years ago.
And I was like, I like your headphones.
I wore those for her running.
And she was all business.
And this time she came in, she was wearing her shocks headphones.
And I was like, I remember you.
And she was like, I remember you too.
And I laid down on the table and she was really kind.
And then the door opens.
And who do you think it was?
Dr. Rosenkrantz walks in and she said, I'm not here to be involved.
And of course, you know, her and the radiologist, they know each other.
They work together closely all the time.
And they had such funny banter back and forth.
And Dr. Rosenkranz was like, I'm not here to watch you work.
I promise. She's like, I'm just here so you can squeeze my hand.
And I did the whole time, squeezed her hand so hard. And I remember being so nervous because I was like, you're a surgeon.
And what if I hurt your hands?
You need those. And she was like, oh, honey, you're not that strong.
So I held her hand the entire time.
Biopsies are awful.
I did ask to look at them.
I was like, what does the sample look like?
You know, they pull out little samples of tissue to test and they showed them to me and they look like gross little pink worms. But it was kind of cool to see.
And I had Jackie with me and And we tend to make the most of all of this.
Um, you know, she's very much become my person and I am 1 billion percent myself around her.
And so we can cry and I can tell her that I'm afraid I'm going to die.
But then we also do really funny things.
Like when we were going up to Dartmouth that day, my dad, Jackie's uncle, um, so my dad as Jackie's mom's brother.
He was like, while you guys are up at Dartmouth, you should go to the art museum in Hanover.
And I'm like, I have a biopsy.
And then what else did I have?
Either a brain scan or a CT.
I had something else right after.
And I'm like, we're not going to an art museum.
But we didn't tell him that.
He was just like, and I actually don't even think he said it to me.
I think he texted Jackie and was like, you guys should go to the art museum.
And we're like, Like, yeah, no, we'll see if we have time.
So we did not go to the art museum in Hanover, but there's so much art in the hospital.
And so we were taking, we were just going around the hospital, taking pictures of ourselves in front of the art and sending it to my dad.
And he was so proud because he thought that we took his advice and went to the art museum.
More on that later.
So, yeah, you know, two years ago, one of my friends, Erin, she left me like a voice note.
And in it, she was like, listen, cancer, but make it fun.
And then she was like, why did I say that?
That was such a stupid thing to say.
And I was like, no, I love that.
This sucks and it's going to be hard and this is very real, but that doesn't mean we're going to stop having fun along the way.
And so let's have fun when it feels right.
And so we're carrying that tagline into this when possible, though I will I'll also admit nothing about the last month has been fun except heckling my dad with pictures of art.
I've had a ton of extra parenting time with Annie over the past month just from a few timing swaps that her dad and I have made, which has been the best. The fact that I've had so much time with her over the past month and a half has been amazing and really challenging.
It's challenging to balance all of this and to do the mom stuff stuff and be going through this and just wanting to be strong and show up for her.
I remember on May 16th, uh, Jackie went for a run and I was like, I'm just going to walk for a while.
This was right after the biopsies.
It was right after, um, yeah, all of that.
And I was, I just wanted to go for a walk and I just wanted to be alone.
And I later learned that my friends have created to day group texts that they have left me out of and that they were tracking my location because I share my location with a bunch of them.
And I think, uh, they were all just texting to say, where is she now?
I think to make sure I didn't, uh, toss myself into the river.
And, um, I know Jess, Jess Movald, she said she was particularly worried as she watched my little dot on the location, get further and further down the path I was walking on in the the woods.
But how, I mean, I felt really loved when Jackie was telling me that.
She's like, yeah, we have a group text without you.
And I was like, that's perfect.
I was like, let me know if I miss any good inside jokes that I might want to be a part of.
And then that night, you know, I just, I walked for a while.
I just listened to music and I just walked.
And then that night, Jackie and I picked Annie up from school and we attended her school -wide picnic and I acted like like everything was fine.
I wore a high neck dress so no one could see my bandages from the biopsies.
And then that weekend, while Annie played with Jackie and made some kind of fort set up in her bedroom, I, again, the same weekend, two years later, told my parents that I have cancer.
Doing it once sucks.
Doing it twice is awful.
And you know, all the times I was up there for appointments and biopsies, I was telling my parents, like, yeah, you know, we're just doing testing.
We don't know anything yet.
And I knew. I just wasn't ready to tell them.
Fellas are known for being good at communicating with others, but within the family unit, we really think we're doing each other favors by hiding stuff, like pertinent medical information and just wanting to protect each other.
We're working on it.
Jackie and I recorded that 40th birthday party episode We didn't do that because I'm so self -indulgent that I wanted to talk about my birthday party for an hour.
We did it because I had nothing else.
We recorded that at 10 o 'clock at night while she was here because I couldn't get myself to do a legitimate interview with a guest. I didn't want to disrespect a guest by not being as prepared and professional as possible.
And I have sponsor obligations that I'm committed to.
And my partners are amazing.
They would absolutely understand if I was like, I can't get your episode out this week.
but let's be honest. This is my job, and I'm not going to stop working right now because I am a single mother.
I own a business. I have a daughter and a dog and a house, and I still have legal bills coming in, and I love my work.
I want to work, and so I'm trying, and I think I maybe just need a little grace if that's okay.
I hate asking for that.
The other other day I couldn't sleep this was earlier this week and sometime around 3 a .m when I'd exhausted the entire internet learned everything I could about things I never knew about I was like oh you know what I haven't done in a while I haven't checked the Apple podcasts reviews of the alley on the run show I used to check those every morning and granted when you're starting a show the reviews come in a lot more steadily whereas now the show's been around for a while I don't get reviews every day but I was like oh I haven't read them in a while and I open up my phone and I scroll and there's
a very nice five -star review and another very nice five -star review and then there's a one -star review and it's like all right what's this gonna be and it's this whole review about how I used to you know I'm a long -time listener but now this show is so political political all ally does is go on long political rants and the show used to be about runners and now it's just about her and then they called me a fraud ally claims to be so welcoming inclusive but she's a fraud uh they oh and then there was another thing that said that I made a statement saying that if people don't agree with my political
views I don't want to interact with them so obviously this is someone who is angry for some reason and whatever fine like not every review is going to be a five -star review but I was just like seriously like um and also just because there's very little truth to that um the fact that I'm even mentioning it here is so stupid but um I don't think I go on many political rants here on the show I think I'm mostly interviewing runners.
And at the same time, yes, I will let you know who I do and don't support politically.
But to be called a fraud, I was like that.
So anyway, it's just like it has felt like such a big pile on with so many stupid little pylons on the side.
And the timing of all All of this is surreal.
This all lines up to almost exactly two years later.
And to be going through all of this at the same time of year is very jarring.
I remember sitting on my front step, trying to make sense of this while admiring my flowers coming in because it's springtime.
And I'm doing that again now, looking at the same flowers, wondering, when do my peonies usually pop?
Should be any day now.
it's also aligning with the absolute best and busiest time of the year for Annie and I love this stuff shout out Annie kindergarten graduate couldn't be prouder I am cramming calls and appointments in between drop -offs and pickups the week of May 19th just before Memorial Day weekend it was a particularly hard week I was up at Dartmouth all day on Wednesday May 21st and I thought these appointments would be no big deal I was like I got this I'll go alone I had a bone scan and a brain MRI and then while I was there I the call the calls were coming from inside the house I don't think I'm using that correctly
but I was at Dartmouth getting non -stop calls from Dartmouth just different departments they ended up starting me on Zoladex which is a hormone therapy medication and who that shot was spicy.
I have had so many tests.
I'd had so many scans up to that point, but that appointment, just getting that shot, it was the first one that actually brought me back to the cancer center where I had done all my chemotherapy and treatment for the following year.
And I had really spent a lot of time there, gotten to know those people.
I walked in, I saw my favorite lab lady, who's always so sparkly.
I saw some of my favorite nurses.
I saw Mary, sweet food cart Mary, and they saw me and everyone was kind of like, what are you doing here?
And I was like, yeah, I'm back.
Shara, one of my favorite nurses, she held my hand while I got the shot.
And I went from thinking that day was going to be easy, just a bone scan and a brain MRI.
And it ended up being one of the most emotionally draining days I have had.
And I will say, if you think taper week phantom pains are bad, allow me to introduce you to waiting for bone scan leg pains and headaches.
I had, so by this point we knew that I had stuff in my chest and sternum, but oh man, waiting for that bone scan, I was like, Like that's, that's pain in my leg.
That's a headache. That's brain cancer.
It is easy to spiral when you're waiting for all these tests and scans.
I remember the next day recording an episode with Emily Oster.
We did her Boston Marathon race recap a month later, best I could do.
And I was a mess. I was prepared for it, but my brain was swirling.
I was distracted. My stomach was a mess.
all of these tests when you have to get the different dyes and contrasts and you have to drink all the different things.
My stomach, I mean, just to be very transparent here, I'm either running for the bathroom or I am very constipated and bloated.
It's not been a cute month.
That probably goes without saying.
After I recorded with Emily, we hung up while we stopped stopped recording and then we were chatting for a bit.
And right away I was just like, I'm sorry if I was all over the place, I have cancer again.
Like just blurted it out.
Poor Emily being on the receiving end of that.
She unsurprisingly was and is amazing and is checked in and is just a really great person to have in my corner.
And then I just crawled right into bed and I was FaceTiming with my friend Jess Movald and just struggling.
And I was like, I haven't eaten and I have no food because I don't have time to grocery shop and I don't even have time to like place a grocery store pickup order like I just I can't do this and we hung up and she sends me a screenshot and she door dashed me a grilled cheese sandwich which is my favorite sick comfort food a grilled cheese sandwich and mac and cheese and a chocolate chip cookie um I didn't even know we We had DoorDash here in Hopkinton, New Hampshire and just made sure that I had lunch. And then later that day, I wrote a newsletter about the power of friendship and I edited and uploaded
the episode with Emily and I literally felt my whole body relax when I hit publish because that's who I am.
Um, and I'm tempted to say I'm not a cancer patient, but I also know that at some point I will have to accept that I am and that despite me not wanting this, no one wants this, but it is a part of who I am now.
On the Friday before Memorial Day weekend, oh, I had a doubleheader that day.
I had to go up to Dartmouth early in the morning to meet my new medical oncologist. And then I traveled to the Concord Hospital, much more local, to meet the radiation oncologist. At this point, we've still been figuring out treatment plans and if I'm going going to do radiation and if I am radiations every day and so I'm not going to Dartmouth for that Dartmouth is an hour away so I would do that in Concord so I met the radiation oncologist there and you guys because we're so close I'm going to just say something that I shouldn't which is that the radiation oncologist was so cute and I really
struggled at that appointment because I kept kept getting the giggles.
So rest assured that throughout all of this, still me, still having fun.
It was a heavy day though, mostly because the medical oncologist, her fellows and I, we talked for hours and they were amazing.
That appointment though, and I remember this from the first time, that being like a sneaky hard appointment that you expect surgery to be hard, You expect chemo to be hard. But the appointment when you sit down with the professional who looks at all of your information and says, this is the plan of attack.
It's so much information and it's so much to wrap your head around.
And I should have known and I should have brought someone with me for that one.
But I was so like, I can do this.
I'm a real tough kid.
I can handle my shit again.
And I tried really hard to comprehend what they were saying.
We all took so many notes.
I felt really supported talking to those three women.
But as soon as she said the word chemo, I was a wreck because I didn't think this was a chemo thing.
I thought this would be a radiation thing and this would be like a lifelong management thing, whether it was some kind of infusion or a daily pill.
I did not think that chemo was going to be a part of my treatment plan.
So that day was awful.
I finally got home and I just collapsed onto my couch. I did not move for hours.
I just snuggled with Ellie and cried.
And I had told myself, OK, I'm going to spend the long weekend while Annie's with her dad.
I'm going to be productive.
I'm going to get stuff done.
I am going to get my life in order because this is all happening really fast and I need a minute.
it and instead I reached out to a friend and was like hey I want to come visit for the weekend and I just ignored reality for a few days and I needed one last like fun weekend which isn't to say it was my last fun weekend ever but before treatment starts and before things get even harder I just wanted to really dissociate for a weekend and I did and I have no regrets but then after Memorial Day.
That week got crazy.
There has not been a dull moment.
There has not been really a minute to take a pause and take a breath.
I was right back in it.
Annie had dance rehearsal on the big stage Tuesday, which is so fun.
That's one of my favorite things.
By then, I had sort of told enough people in my inner circle, my close friends, family, my good close mom friends.
I don't know why I say them separately than my friends, They are also my friends, but I see them at this stuff a lot because our children do a lot of these activities together.
And I got to sit in the audience with my friends, cheering for our little dancers and just being together.
And so it's, you know, it's been a lot to be going and doing all of these things over this past month.
But also those are the times that I have felt the most me and felt the most grounded.
responded, I was down at Dana -Farber for a second opinion early the next day.
I left my house at 5 .30 in the morning, and I swear that drive took years off my life.
I know that the resources that they have at hospitals like Dana -Farber and at these big institutions that are in bigger cities, of course it would be great to be treated there where they have access to so many clinical trials and they have the latest research, which isn't to say Dartmouth doesn't have that, but But oh, man, did it reaffirm that I am so glad I am not being treated in Boston because I could not do that drive.
The traffic was so bad.
The parking garage was the most insane parking garage I've ever experienced in my entire life.
Why did I have to pay ten dollars to park for an appointment about cancer?
That feels criminal.
They said they validated parking, but did they only validate it a little bit?
Because I don't feel validated having to pay ten dollars to park my car.
and my friend Laura you know Laura Green she came to that appointment with me so it was really nice to have someone else there to help and take notes and answer questions and ask questions and just be a support person and then I got back to Hopkinton in time to edit my episode with Philly Bowden get it uploaded pick Annie up from school go celebrate our cute friend's fifth birthday and then go to the Spring Fling concert at school so it is really non -stop Thursday Annie at dress rehearsal I had more appointments Friday Saturday she had dance recital which was just really good for my heart and soul
and I sat in the audience trying not to wonder how many more dance recitals I'll get to be there for this was Annie's last week of kindergarten this week and all I wanted to do was make it special and fun and normal and I have been at freaking Dartmouth every single day I had a pet scan Monday on Tuesday my dad took me to get my port placed since we are talking chemo I didn't have a port last time I went through chemotherapy I really didn't want one I was like I only have to do four rounds and I was like I'd rather just do it through the veins if you guys are cool with that and they were like
you're gonna want a port and I was like I don't want that weird thing under my skin I don't want a thing sticking out like I just want to get through this.
So I didn't have a port last time and unsurprisingly, now we're running out of good veins.
I've got a lot of scar tissue from being poked so much. My God, there was one day a week or two ago where I think I got poked five times total.
And so I needed to get a port this time and I'm not arguing with any medical professionals.
Not that I argued last time.
I just, Just I voiced what I was comfortable with, and they worked with me on that, which is great.
So this time I'm just telling them or asking them, tell me what to do.
I'm going to do it.
So we're in the car.
My dad came to my house in the morning.
We went together to drop Annie off at school, and then we're driving up to the hospital, and we're just chatting.
And my dad was like, oh, he goes, so when you and Jackie were here, he's like, did you see the Monet exhibit?
exhibit? And I'm like, shit.
Cause we had never said we're at the art museum.
We just sent him pictures of art.
And now he's like calling me out on it.
I'm not going to lie to my dad.
So I'm just kind of like smiling.
And he's like, when you were up here, he's like, didn't you go to the art museum?
And I was like, what?
And he was like, you and Jackie, he's like, they featured it on on Chronicle that same night that there, there was a Monet exhibit at the art museum in Hanover.
And I was like, oh, I don't know what art we saw.
Like, I don't remember.
And he just like looked at me and I just burst out laughing.
I was like, we didn't go to the art museum.
So we got a good little laugh out of that.
Um, but otherwise Tuesday of this week was one of of the roughest days i have had um you know this is a very straightforward procedure they how they put in ports every day for patients i am nothing remarkable or special here in any of this uh and i know that and i felt really comfortable with the team they all came and met with me they brought me in early apparently the person before me didn't show up so i got brought in early which was great because it was annie's graduation day so i was like i gotta get in in and get out.
Today's a big day. And I had like begged them.
I was like, I need to be knocked out.
Like, I don't like medical procedures.
Please give me general anesthesia.
And they were like, we don't do general anesthesia.
We do light sedation for this, which I've had before.
Two years ago when I got admitted to the hospital after my first round of chemo and I had to have an endoscopy, they gave me light sedation, but that's an endoscopy.
This was like they were we're cutting stuff this time.
And I just didn't want to be awake for it.
And they were like, you'll be in and out.
Like, it's going to be OK.
We're going to keep you comfortable.
They were really reassuring.
The team was wonderful.
And they played Taylor Swift for me, of course.
But I mean, I remember just it's like sedation.
So I remember parts of it.
I felt like I was awake the whole time.
I obviously wasn't.
But I remember just feeling a lot of pulling and tugging and pressure didn't hurt but I remember being like I feel like something is going wrong or I feel like this isn't going as straightforward as possible and I swore I remembered hearing them page someone and I was just I know that I kept being like I need more drugs like I need you I'm too awake for this and I don't want to be they must have thought that I was such a junkie and I remember them saying like we've given you the maximum amount that we can but as long as you're in here.
We're going to keep you comfortable.
It's going to be okay.
Like they were wonderful.
And then all of, then I was in recovery and I, you know, woke up, didn't feel great.
They brought my dad in, they talked to us.
I barely remember that.
I don't really remember getting dressed, but I know that I put on sweat pants and a sweatshirt.
I know that my dad was not there for that.
The nurse helped me get dressed.
Uh, and then I know that I got into to a wheelchair.
And my dad said that I turned around, he started pushing me and I apparently turned around and I go, wait, he's pushing me.
I, I guess I wanted a hospital staff member to push me around and tend to my every need.
Um, so after the, um, after getting the port placed, well, I also remember getting out of the bed and there was a lot of blood on the sheets in the pillow.
And I was like, Whoa, what happened?
And they did. So they had said, um, everything's fine.
They placed the port.
They said that I had tough skin.
And I was like, you do not understand the extent to which I do not have tough skin.
I spiraled over a one star review that didn't even have any truth to it objectively.
At no point did I ever say I don't want to interact with people who don't have the same political views as me.
That didn't happen.
But here I am talking about it again.
So I would say I don't have tough skin.
But they did have a hard time getting it placed.
They did have to bring in, I don't know who, but they brought in someone else to help with the procedure.
There must've been a lot of bleeding because I saw a lot of blood and then did not feel great.
And so we had to stop by the cancer center on our way out because at this stage, I am considering trying cold capping again.
Dartmouth now, they work with a program directly.
So it's in -house and they have more support for it.
So it wouldn't be the penguin cold caps where you're changing them out every 50 minutes.
We don't have to bring our own dry ice.
And so I was like, let's, let's at least start the process of considering if I want to do this, which meant I had to stop by the cancer center to get my head measured.
You have to get it measured to get the cap fitted.
And so my dad wheels me to the cancer center.
And as soon as we get there, I was like, Oh, and suddenly I was soaked in sweat and I got up and I stumbled to of the bathroom, didn't even close the bathroom door in the middle of the cancer center lobby.
And I'm soaked in sweat.
I started throwing up.
I'm holding on to the railing on the side of the bathroom because I thought I was going to pass out, which I didn't end up passing out.
But I think I like things went a little black for a second.
I just felt awful. And I think it was because the procedure took twice as long as it should have. And so I had to get a lot more of the the sedation.
And I think I just didn't react well to it.
And so I also at some point must have ripped my sweatshirt off and changed shirts.
Don't remember doing that, but I know that I left in a different shirt than I was in, in the wheelchair.
And they, okay. So I'm sitting in the cancer center lobby.
My dad was talking to the woman at the front desk saying like, she's here to just get her scalp fitted.
And this is who we're here to see.
And I just had my head down.
They had gotten me ice packs to try to help me come to.
And all of a sudden, I remember hallucinating a literal angel.
I saw a woman floating through the cancer center in a floor -length dress and heels.
And I yell, Dad, Dr. Rosenkranz.
And he looks up and he sees her and he's met her a bunch of times from bringing me to surgeries and for my birthday party.
And it was her. It was not an actual angel, but Dr. Rosenkrantz, her office isn't even in the cancer center.
She works on a totally different floor, but there she happened to be walking through the lobby at the same time.
I was there like thinking I was on my deathbed and should I not joke about that?
Probably it's fine.
And so my dad like chases her down the hall and is like, Dr. Rosenkrantz.
And she came over and checked in with me.
She said that she went to see me during my procedure, but they had already brought me in because they brought me in early.
but like of course she came to see me because she knew I was having my procedure and I remember seeing ultra runner Andy who was one of my favorite nurses in the cancer center I remember seeing him walk through and I like waved and he waved back and I was like I just remember seeing all these people I recognized and being like why do they not see that I am in such bad shape right now like I maybe I looked better than I thought but um I was just like I'm not well I was also one of about 60 people in that lobby.
So people had far more important things to do than make sure I had a proper ice pack, which I did.
I don't remember getting my head measured, but my dad assures me I did.
And then the car ride home was awful, obviously.
My dad drove and I had my seat reclined the whole way and I just felt so sick, couldn't really sleep.
We got back to my house.
I laid down immediately.
I set a 30 minute timer.
I remember waking up from my nap and being like alright I'm going to check my email and I had emails from my lawyer and I was like you've got to be f***ing kidding me right now no but I was just like I can't handle this and I got up and I splashed cold water on my face and I put on a dress and we drove to Annie's school to pick her up for graduation I had to have my dad pull the car over on the way there so I could throw up on the side of the road.
So don't be totally fooled by that nice red t -shirt and big red skirt.
I was in very rough shape that night and I was also bandaged.
I was in a ton of pain.
Yeah, it was brutal.
And then the next morning, but graduation was amazing.
It really was so lovely.
Once it got started again, I was like, Like, don't take the emotional route.
Just enjoy being here.
And Annie was amazing, and she was well -loved and celebrated that night.
So that was great. Wednesday, I don't, this is going to be the longest episode.
It doesn't need to be, but here we are.
Wednesday, I was back up at Dartmouth.
I had to get an EKG, which was easy.
It's just, like, this week has been so much back and forth to Dartmouth.
So you don't need to know my daily schedule of appointments.
what does this all mean?
Now what? Um, the good news, there's good news, right?
Yes, this is by definition stage four metastatic.
This is cancer that has recurred and spread.
Uh, so there is no cure for that.
And every doctor has assured me that there are so many new drugs and treatments for us to try.
And there's a lot of options.
There are treatments treatments that my body has not seen yet and will hopefully respond well to and so we can't cure this and it may not be easy to treat but we do have options after that first appointment with the medical oncologist I called Jackie sobbing saying I was probably gonna have to do chemo again and she listened as she always does she is always my voice of reason and a few hours later knowing I'd calm down a bit she called me back and she was just like listen I need you to promise I promise that you will choose the most aggressive treatment that they recommend.
And I think we both kind of just like, yes, I am obviously on board for that.
I'd already promised myself that, that no matter what they recommended, I was going to do it.
like I'm doing chemo again, whether or not I choose to do the cold capping my eyebrows, my eyelashes, my hair is going to fall out.
I'm going to look sick.
Like it's going to be hard. I don't know how my body will respond to chemo.
We don't know if chemo will work, but like by next week I'm going to be in like buckle up, let's go mode right now.
I'm still, I'm either numb or I'm crying.
There's not a lot of in between.
Um, and I'd say it's mostly numb because it's all business, but by next week I will be in fighter mode.
I'm just not ready to activate that just yet, but that's coming.
I am intentionally not getting into all of the specifics of the diagnosis and exact treatment because we're still gathering information.
I'm meeting with my oncologist tomorrow to sort of finalize the treatment plan.
And I don't ever want to say anything that isn't completely accurate.
I know I have an audience here.
I'm also someone who is trying her best to understand all of this and to share what I can about my personal experience without being inundated with a lot of medical information from, you know, from people like people are all of you.
You're amazing and you're supportive.
And I also know, um, that going through this publicly, it's a lot.
Um, I choose to share this.
It helps me. I like having this out there.
I have been wanting to share all of this, but I needed it to be the right time for me.
I needed to be ready for that.
So the support is great.
I'm never not going to want the support.
Just know that when it comes to things like messages, emails, requests, I'm not going to be as on top of those as I would like to be.
community I I try my best uh but for the most part I am if I am liking and double tapping a message in a comment that means I read it and I love it and I appreciate it I wish I could respond more and um I I have to yeah I have to prioritize so all that to say like there is a reason I'm sharing this and it is because the support helps um and you all help in this community helps and And there are so many women and men, there are so many people and individuals living with this and living well with this.
And I know that. And those are stories that I love to hear of like, Allie, I had that same diagnosis 30 years ago.
I'm still here. Parts of it haven't been easy, but I'm still here.
I would say the stories I don't want are the, you know, my so -and -so person in my life had that same diagnosis.
hypnosis um I've already gotten a lot of that where people are like oh like my friend's mom had that and she lived to see her son graduate college or to graduate kindergarten and I'm like that's awesome I'm like is she still alive and then they go no but she got five good years and I'm like cool but she's dead now awesome sick yeah no I love that cool are her kids still alive oh she's not here with them sweet um and that is hard and i also will say other than the person who called me a fraud i know that people mean so well um so i also don't want people to worry about saying the right or wrong
thing we are all human i like to believe we are all doing our best and so again um i'm sharing this because i think connection is a powerful thing um just know know that if you send me a really long and lovely message I might not respond to it with words but if I double tap it with a heart I saw it and I love you and I appreciate you yeah I don't I'm I'm grateful for all of it I really really am but anyway to go back to my point I am not a doctor this is my personal experience none of this is medical advice so consider this the disclaimer an hour into this episode this is just the experience of one person learning
what she can and trying really hard to be here for a while.
The pathology reports, additional testing, they've indicated that we are, again, looking at multiple tumors that are testing differently.
Some are HER2 positive, some are HER2 negative.
So that's all the stuff that they are making sense of and making recommendations based off of that.
The good news, and again, there's good news.
It seems to be contained.
I don't have bone cancer.
I have breast cancer that has spread to the bones.
It's in my sternum, it's in my chest wall.
I was supposed to have my fallopian tubes removed this summer and then have my ovaries removed a year or two later, both which would reduce my risk of ovarian cancer since I do have the BRCA2 gene mutation and I'm at higher risk for ovarian cancer.
Those surgeries will now likely be put on hold because I am scheduled to start chemotherapy next week, June 10th.
Um, as of now, and this could change tomorrow when I talked to my oncologist, as of now, we are looking at 18 weekly chemotherapy infusions, um, again, subject to change, but we're looking at about, um, it's not technically 18 rounds.
It's four to six rounds, but each round is three weeks.
And the chemo infusion is weekly, but then every third infusion they're adding additional drugs which yeah I was gonna say girl math it's not girl math it's cancer math uh cancer math says 18 weeks of chemo starting next week will bring me to mid October so you know I'm hoping that it will be business as usual in a lot of ways I'll see you in Chicago I'll see you in New York we'll celebrate the hell out of life and being here um they have have a lot of great data that came out of a huge cancer research conference just this past weekend and so my oncologists are making sense of everything that they
just learned and I'm trying to make sense of the insurance BS and I'm trying to coordinate care and wrap my head around how to make this summer special for Annie we were supposed to have two different weeks that we were going to do fun little vacations and now with chemo I don't know what that will look like Like, you know, we will still spend that time together and it will be wonderful.
I will figure out. I'll figure it out.
You know, I was hoping to get down to the Jersey Shore for one of those weeks.
We love it there. We have family there.
I don't know how that will work with chemo.
So we'll figure it out.
I would love to tell you that I am taking this in stride.
And sometimes I am.
but I am also giving myself the absolute ass kicking of the century, despite every single one of my doctors telling me not to do that.
Could I have prevented this?
Should I have done more aggressive chemo the first time?
Should we never have paused the tamoxifen to get the Crohn's under control?
And could I have prevented this if I had restarted the tamoxifen a few months months sooner.
I have been destroying myself, beating myself up with those questions and really telling myself that I could and should have been able to prevent this.
I was the one going on and on publicly about how I wasn't afraid of recurrence.
I thought that was a superpower or something that I didn't have the fear that paralyzes so many people who've been been through cancer.
I thought I was lucky that a part of my heart and brain were so optimistic that I never even considered this coming back and spreading and being a part of my life again.
I have always joked that I am delusionally optimistic.
And this time I'm like, nope, it was just delusional.
And if I'm being very honest, which I will always be with you, I feel so stupid.
And I know you're going to tell me not to.
My doctors are already doing that and And my loved ones are already doing that.
I have had so many oncology appointments that I keep having to cancel my therapy appointments.
And I know that's not doing me any favors.
Martha, girl, I'm coming back.
I need you. Right now, I also know, having been through this, that once treatment starts, once you have the plan, even though that part is intense, things calm down on the administrative side.
Right now, I am in the absolute thick of it.
And if you are someone listening who has newly been diagnosed with something similar or any medical surprise, I still maintain that the first time around and this time around, I don't know what's to come.
But the first time around this phase, that first month is the worst. Just tests and calls and insurance and nothing feels easy.
And you're just, yeah, I feel like, I don't know, what are they called?
called a call center operator, just constantly switching over between phone calls and being on hold and following up on faxes.
And I have been the recipient of tremendous care and kindness over the past month.
When insurance was being an absolute monster, pain in the ass, Jessica from Dana -Farber pulled every string she could to allow me to keep the appointment that we had to work so So hard for me to get because everything is happening very fast because they want me starting treatment right away.
I had to pay out of pocket for that appointment.
But Jessica and Dr. Friedman and Dr. O at Dana -Farber were incredible.
And sometimes the only thing that makes any of this easier is the kindness of strangers, the humans on the other end of the phone who are willing to help to make the extra call to follow up, to be the middleman.
on. Somehow, inexplicably, none of us can make sense of this, but I'm currently in pain from getting the port in.
But in terms of the actual sternum and chest pain where the cancer is, I'm in so much less pain than I was a few weeks ago.
We don't really know why I am taking medication for the pain.
It's nothing intense.
It's not like pain meds.
It's like prescription strength Tylenol.
So that's a huge relief.
The pain is still there, but it's not as debilitating.
and I know that the pain from the port placement will eventually subside I am I don't like the port I'm freaked out by it I looked at it yesterday because I had to change the uh the tegaderm dressing um and I saw the little like fake vein that they created and the port I'm not ready to see it so it's it's all covered up again uh the goal is to live my life while I'm going through treatment uh this is something that I will live with forever I am not ready to wrap wrap my head around that.
I cannot emphasize enough how much getting a cancer diagnosis is a full -time administrative job.
It is all consuming.
You have no time to react to it emotionally.
You just have to make the call, return the call, make sure the fax was sent.
It is so intense. Throw in running a business, maintaining a home, being a mom, having a dog, trying to be a good friend, legal stuff.
It is too much. It is without question too much. And at the end of every appointment with every doctor, and I intentionally left this part until the end.
I swear we're getting to the end of this episode.
I have sat there and I have looked at every single doctor.
And before I've even asked my last question, they have known what I'm about to ask, which is how much time do I have?
Google is bleak. Do not Google stage four metastatic breast cancer that has spread to the bones plus life expectancy.
and see, uh, did you just do it?
Did you, mom, I told you not to Google it, but obviously I have Googled it to death.
Uh, she caught phrases I should not use.
Um, and Google gives the amount of time in months.
It gives years at best. And, um, my medical oncologist who also has a young daughter, she held my hand and she cried with me.
She stood up and walked over to the table and held my hand and cried with me.
And she said, the average survival rate is five to 10 years.
She immediately said that we are hoping for much, much more than that.
We are hoping for decades.
There are people who live decades with this and I am delusionally optimistic as ever.
I am certain that I will be one of those people.
I will not be one of the outdated statistic people because the the life expectancy numbers that are out there, as every doctor has explained to me, they don't reflect the newest and most advanced treatments.
And I know that. But when you see what's on Google and you hear a doctor look you in the eye and hold your hand and say five to 10, you don't do the math to see how old you will be in five to 10 years.
You calculate your children's age and so my brain immediately pictured Annie at 11 years old at 16 years old and I refuse to not be the one to take her to buy her prom dress or get her ears pierced or help her learn how to drive or visit colleges with her or help her decorate her dorm room or to be at her wedding if she wants one or to hold her babies if she wants them it's not a productive road to go down and I know and And Martha will work with me on this.
I know that there's a line between being optimistic and being delusional.
And it's being a realist and it's living life to the absolute fullest. And that's what we're going to do.
I'm eager to, I don't want to start chemo, but I'm eager to get it started so that I can finish it and so that I can keep living.
I was really living this spring.
And the plan is to keep doing that.
I hope you'll stick around for it I hope to be as business as usual as I can I don't know what the next few months will look like but I will keep showing up as best I can and trying to give myself whatever grace I can throughout the process I am unbelievably well supported and well loved and I am leaning on that heavily my network is unparalleled I have been told by my doctors that that I may not be myself for a while.
I was told to not take on extra projects.
Brutal recommendation.
I was supposed to be in New York City this weekend to be a part of the mini 10K broadcast team.
I unfortunately had to let them know this week that I just can't be there.
It's too much with starting chemo on Tuesday and having been at Dartmouth every day this week and I hated having to pull out of that.
I will be tuning in from home.
Those women are going to put on a great show.
I'm referring to the women on the broadcast, but also of course referring to all of the runners.
I love this race. So big love to everyone who's running in New York City on Saturday.
Big love to anyone who's running anywhere on Saturday.
I haven't run since my birthday four miler.
I miss it between the biopsies, the port and just the absolute lack of time.
Running has not happened for me but I know that I will be back out there.
I can't wait for that.
My doctor said to do what fills my cup and to be careful and to say no. know.
She told me to prioritize Annie.
That's easy. That's already number one.
That's always been number one.
And she did say that I'm in for a long haul now and to be gentle with myself to which I laughed and told her, Oh, well, you'll get to know me throughout this process.
Like I said, I'm firmly in the denial stage.
I've been there all month.
I can't stop thinking about how truly deeply happy I was and how hard and fast this crash came.
I am, I think I'm both grateful for and relieved by how quickly I can shove these emotions into a box.
This past weekend, after the longest but best week in a lot of ways, just with so many great Annie things, spring fling and dress rehearsal and dance recital and birthday parties, we had a great weekend.
It was filled with love and joy.
And on Sunday night, I was getting ready for bed.
And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I just broke down into tears, like crumbled to the bathroom floor.
and I immediately grabbed a washcloth to cry into and just before the tears actually came I was like nope we're not doing this right now I literally looked in the mirror and said stop washed my face went back to other things and carried on I'm sure therapists are listening being like okay well but I I am not allowing my brain to think about Annie growing up without her her mother or about abandoning Ellie, disappearing from her life.
I'm not doing that.
So you want to believe that if you're ever not around, that people will tell your loved ones all the best, truest parts of you.
And that's a fear I have. I'm sure that's a fear we all have. I want Annie to get those stories.
I want her to hear our stories and know our stories and remember them.
I hate my phone. I'm constantly fielding calls and missing calls.
Recording is really hard right now.
When I finished recording with Philly Bowden a few weeks ago, I had four missed calls just from Dartmouth.
I missed an important call from Dana Farber because I was on another important call with my lawyer.
One day while Jackie was here, in the midst of absolute absolute chaos.
We're driving to pick up Annie from school and like a bird flew in front of my car.
And Jackie makes a comment.
She's like, do you ever think birds are just messing with us?
Like, do you think that they just like to sit in the road and wait till the absolute last second to fly away?
Like, do they live on the edge and that's fun for them?
And I was like, I don't know.
Or are they just stupid?
And I kid you not, two seconds later, there's a bird in the road and And we're both waiting for it to fly away.
And it never did. And I hit it.
So in the midst of all of this, I killed yet another bird with my car.
So things are going great.
I am not dying. I'm not dying right now.
I have told my friends that if I do, I don't want any like charities or funds or memorials in my name.
I don't want anything where people feel they have to contribute to it.
but I would consider agreeing to a renaming of one very specific thing and that is the Allie Feller TCS New York City Marathon that's like the only thing that I'd maybe be okay with the TCS New York City Feller Marathon there's I think we can workshop it um and one of my doctors prescribed me smut she was like my recommendation to patients going through a hard time is read really sexy books.
She was like, it just transports you to another world.
And I was like, that's a fun recommendation.
So I am here to say, feel free to hit me with your best sexy book recommendations, but I don't want the ones that are about fairies and dragon sex. And please don't try to convince me that it's actually really good.
The first book isn't that great, but the second one's worth it.
I'm not suffering through anything.
I'm not suffering through weird fairy dragon sex because because the second book is good.
So I love the idea of you.
Let's use that as our standard here.
Ellie hasn't left my side.
I have not gone to the bathroom alone in a month.
She knows we don't deserve dogs.
It's funny. Today is the only day this appointment that I don't have a doctor's appointment, but Ellie has a vet appointment.
So we're really like a big medical family.
family. Uh, I hate the bell.
I resent that I rang the bell.
That was supposed to be such a big day.
Um, and it was such a hard day for me in a lot of ways.
And now every time I'm back in the cancer center, it feels cruel.
And I think about all the people that never get to ring the bell or people that are living with this.
And so there's not an end point for them and they have to go to that cancer center and see the bell and, and, and as the person who has gotten to ring the bell before, I want people to have that.
So it's just, it's like a lot of emotions that sound maybe like they don't make a lot of sense.
I want people to beat cancer and ring the bell and celebrate the bell and live life to the fullest with the sound of the bell ringing.
I'm all for that. And I would say I now just have a complicated relationship with that bell and I sometimes want to rip it bit off the wall so that's good in a good headspace um remember two months ago when I was like prancing around my town in my weighted vest being like bone density and now I have cancer in my bones not because of the weighted vest but like what did I think I knew about bone density uh or anything I don't know anything about anything but I know that I I know I can't say say, everything's going to be okay.
But I know that I'm here and I plan to be here for a while and that I have a lot of love in my world and support in my world.
And I appreciate you being whatever part of that you'd like to be.
I know that I will feel weight lifted when I publish this episode.
And I now more than ever before any other time in my life, I am just so deeply grateful for this community that we all have built together and this network that we all have. And if you want a call to action, my call to action for you today is support the sponsors of the Allie on the Run show so they stick around.
And And just be the good.
Life is short. And to be anything other than a good person, whatever that means to you, is an absolute waste of time.
We are not here forever.
Our impact on this world is not everlasting.
So, you know, make the time count.
I don't think that has to mean like traveling to every country in the world.
sure we would all love to do that we would all love to seize the day not have to work and just spend our lives with total freedom but there's a reality to life for all of us for most of us and so my um my message I think is just be the good um be the good I love you thank you so much for being here for this episode of the alley on the run show there's like a 96 chance that i'm going to listen back to this episode hate everything i said be horrified by everything i said wish i hadn't said so much wish i'd said more wish i'd said it better and that is where i'll just say i i'm just a girl sitting
in front of a computer cuter going with her stream of consciousness and hoping that that's okay so I love you I appreciate you thank you to you can for supporting this episode you can .co slash Allie is where you can redeem that sample trial pack try out all that you can has to offer and code Allie is getting you 20 % off everything else that you order and you've got this you're doing great and thank you you for joining me on the run.
