Uh, hello, what happened?
Dude told you he's gonna leave his wife and you left faster than Vladimir Putin at a gay bar.
It's all a blur.
I blacked out.
I don't even know how I got here.
I think I took the train, but Max, I might have taken the bus.
It came out of nowhere.
I never expected him to leave his wife.
It came out of your thumbs when you texted it to him.
Look, when I texted him that, I was just being flirty.
Flirty is me not wearing underwear to the Times Square M&M store.
So you really don't want him to leave his wife?
No.
I mean sure, maybe I fantasized about it, but in my fantasy we were on a ski trip and I was jumping up and down excited with my best friend Jennifer Lawrence.
Cool, maybe call Jen next time the possum traps you by the garbage cans.
Look, I thought we were just having a fun distraction.
You know, a couple of kisses, a dry hump here and there.
Oh, like the cheerleaders with the good grades.
Exactly.
I'm not the type of person who wants him to leave his wife.
No, you're the type of person who almost wants him to leave his wife.
Yes!
Yes, that's me!
I'm the almost girl!
I almost lost my virginity 25 times.
This was my conversation with my friends every Monday in high school.
Did you?
Almost.
Funny, because I almost went to high school.
I have to figure out what to do about Nicholas before he almost makes a big mistake and leaves his wife.
He's not leaving his wife for you.
It's just a thing you say to pretty women to get them into bed.
Like, I'm a Russian prince, or that was a good story.
With a tank top collection like yours, I'm surprised you have to say anything.
I know, right?
So you don't really think he's serious about leaving her?
No.
I've told dozens of women I'm leaving my wife for them, and I'm not even married.
Here in America.
That was nice of Ole.
Just when you think you've seen every part of a person because he's shown you on his phone, he surprises you.
I feel so much better.
Nicholas is not going to leave her.
No, why would he leave her for you?
Well, you don't have to be nasty about it.
Max, I just got another text from Nicholas about him leaving his wife.
Oh, like, now he says he's telling his wife tomorrow at four that he's leaving her.
You got a time frame?
Oh, if he puts a clock on it, it's happening.
Pick up, cantaloupe.
Max, there's a clock on it.
But isn't his wife in France?
Yeah, but they Skype every day.
They're like the French Jetsons.
He's gonna Skype break up with her?
That is low and smart.
Might steal that move one day.
Oh, good.
I see your wrist is better, and I'm gonna need some help.
The cleaning situation has gotten a little complicated.
The spider communities are at war.
I can't clean.
I'm in the middle of ruining someone's marriage.
Max, please.
Things are escalating quickly.
There was a discarded piece of ham, and apparently both kingdoms thought it was theirs.
No takers?
All right, enough with all this texting.
I need to stop this.
I have to go over to his place tomorrow and tell him face to face.
Tell him face to face?
I don't even have sex face to face.
I hope Nicholas takes my breaking it off with him okay, because in my fantasy, when I told him he wouldn't take no for an answer, bought me a plane and I give Jennifer Lawrence a ride home.
In my fantasy, a talking dragon gave me a Kate that belonged to Jesus.
But that's probably because I took too many of Deke's Vicodin earlier.
The lobby told me you were on your way up.
Caroline, I did not expect you.
But you knew I'd be coming?
We need to talk, and Max is here for moral support.
I know how this works by now.
Come in.
Okay, how do I put this?
How do I put this?
Nicholas, I came here today to tell you... to not do that.
Why?
I want you so much.
Look, you don't want me.
You don't even really know me.
I do.
You're sexy and funny and pretty and smart.
Okay, you know me a little.
Look, I am not the type of person who breaks up marriages.
No, she's the almost girl.
She almost breaks up marriages.
Yes, yes, that's who I am.
So I don't want you to make that call and break up with your wife over Skype.
I am not breaking up with her over Skype.
Okay, great, perfect.
No Skype.
No.
Because that's her in the lobby.
I'm breaking up with her in person.
