Max, I hear our boy Deep got major money.
I should have known, because the weed he gave me was real quality.
And free.
Earl, money changes people.
I know.
Every time the food stamps came, my mother was all, Max who?
Hello, my good people.
You are quite fortunate today, for a rich person has come to dine in your establishment.
Caroline, I would like a tabletop and maxis section please, because it's high time she met the person I've been pretending not to be.
The veil has been lifted.
She was correct.
I am the monopoly man.
Right this way, sir.
I believe I have a table here in the overacting section.
All right, I'll give it up.
You got me laughing.
And I would miss all this if we didn't hang out.
So I guess we can still be friends and pastry school partners.
Pastry school partners?
Your breasts are named in my will.
Come on, you can't be serious about this.
Don't worry, we can still do all the stuff we had planned for our future, like TPing Han's apartment on the 14th.
I'm not a monster.
Max.
Deke, you can't be my boyfriend.
From now on, I'm like welfare.
You have to be broke to get some.
I come bearing gifts for all my best friends.
Here, guy who stands behind me, a 12-pack of AAA batteries for you.
They did have to open the glass case at CVS for me to get these.
Hair lady on the other side.
A shampoo and conditioner.
Herbal essences, no big deal.
And don't think I forgot about you, peekaboo hair.
A Godiva box of chocolates.
No, you're not dreaming.
I said Godiva!
Max, I have great news.
And you woman who sold me out for shoes.
I got you something very special when I was out gift shopping.
You know how you always say, who do I have to bang to get a chip clip around here?
Me.
Wait, you spent money?
How much of our million did you spend on your, we'll call it a shopping spree?
Almost all of it.
$143.
Okay, our public schools have failed you.
Or they would have if you went.
But I'm too excited to care.
First things first, when do we quit the diner?
What are you talking about?
We're not quitting the diner.
I'm giving the rest of the money back.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Pump the brakes.
What's the problem?
You got a chip clip.
You're set.
I only spent it to make a point to Deke.
You can't give it back.
I have plans, big plans.
After we quit the diner, I found a guy who can turn that measly million into three.
And don't worry, he was not named in my father's Ponzi scheme.
Well, not by the name he goes by now.
What up, Smurfette?
Oh, hello, Deke.
You just missed me passing out all the gifts I bought with your million.
But you're here in time to see me buy Big Mary as my lab partner.
Who says I'm for sale?
A fireman's calendar and another fireman's calendar.
Sold.
I bet you didn't think I'd spend that money.
Well, you were wrong.
I spent $143.
Max, I wanted you to spend the money so you know what it's like to be rich.
Now we're both Smurfs.
You can relate to me again.
Want to go do hand stuff by the ovens like we did last Tuesday?
Oh, so you were just trying to buy me with the money?
Well, I'm not a high-priced call girl, because Super Bowl weekend's over.
Here.
I'm giving you the rest of the money back.
Okay.
Obviously, she is not mentally competent enough to handle her finances.
This is like when my grandma wanted to give all her money to that orphanage, so they had her diagnosed with Alzheimer's.
Here.
I can't believe I'm losing all of my money twice in one lifetime.
Who has an inhaler?
And check it.
I even put your name on there.
Deke McRichie McNever had to work for anything?
Oh, sorry.
I probably should have added Richie Rich pretended he was Porenstein so they know it's you.
Here, I'll fix it.
Oh, yes.
I treat myself well.
You know what, Max?
Stop.
I've tried everything to show you I'm not some cartoon rich guy, and you still think I'm a joke.
You only see me as my money, but I'm not.
That's how much money means to me.
But you were right.
It's not going to work with us.
