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[Healing vs. Avoiding: Why Distance Isn't Always Growth]-[You're Not Healed, You're Just Not Surrounded By The Thing That Triggers You]

Trying Not to Care · B2 · 2026-01-26

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📋 Summary

The Illusion of Healing: Moving Beyond Distance

In this episode of Trying Not to Care, host Ashley explores a common misconception regarding personal growth: the belief that physical or emotional distance from a painful experience equates to true healing. Many of us fall into the trap of thinking we have "healed" simply because we are no longer in an environment that triggers our past trauma. However, as Ashley articulates, peace is not always synonymous with progress.

The "Bubble" Effect: Why Distance Is Only Step One

Ashley explains that when we remove ourselves from toxic situations—such as a breakup, a difficult friendship, or a traumatic upbringing—we often find ourselves in a state of calm. We mistake this absence of drama for growth. She refers to this as living in a "bubble." While cutting off contact or moving away is a necessary "step one" to stop the bleeding, it does not inherently resolve the underlying issues.

She notes, "You’re not healed. You’re just not surrounded by the thing that’s triggering you." The danger of this state is that it creates an illusion of recovery. When life eventually forces us back into a similar situation, we often find that our old wounds are still raw, and we revert to our past, unhealed behaviors.

The Test of Growth

True growth is only visible when we are tested. Ashley argues that we cannot know if we have truly overcome an issue until we are placed back into a similar environment. Whether it is running into an ex at the grocery store or facing a new workplace conflict, these moments serve as the ultimate litmus test.

If we have only relied on distance, we will likely experience a "visceral reaction" and spiral back to square one. Conversely, genuine healing allows us to stay grounded. As Ashley describes, growth looks like choosing to act differently: "You may still feel triggered or unsafe... but you choose to act differently than you used to, differently in a way that protects you and doesn't give that person so much power over you."

Signs You Are Not Yet Healed

Ashley identifies three primary red flags indicating that one might be masking pain with avoidance rather than doing the work:

  1. Intense Anxiety: Experiencing a debilitating "fight or flight" response when faced with triggers, where you lose the ability to self-soothe.
  2. Overthinking/Avoidance: Allowing past trauma to dictate current behavior, such as refusing to make new friends for fear of being hurt again, rather than working through those fears.
  3. Waiting for the "Other Shoe to Drop": A persistent belief that new people will inevitably treat you like those in your past, which demonstrates that you are still placing your self-worth in the hands of others.

How to Actually Do the Work

To move from numbness to true healing, Ashley suggests active engagement rather than passive avoidance. This includes:

  • Therapy and Journaling: Unpacking the core of why you hurt and identifying behavioral patterns.
  • Boundary Setting: Moving beyond complaining about mistreatment to setting firm consequences. "Whatever you allow, you will be given," she warns, emphasizing that we must stop begging for respect.
  • Accountability: Owning your role in past dynamics without shame. Recognizing that while you may not have deserved the mistreatment, you may have contributed by staying too long or failing to set boundaries.

Conclusion: The Path Forward

Healing is not a linear process; it is full of ups and downs. Ashley encourages listeners to celebrate the small victories—like going a month without checking an ex’s social media—while remaining humble enough to acknowledge that the work is ongoing. Real healing is found not in a life devoid of challenges, but in the ability to handle life's "loud and chaotic" moments with new tools, clearer boundaries, and a firm commitment to never settle for less than you deserve.

🎯Key Sentences

1
I know I sound harsh, but a lot of people confuse healing with distance.
2
Silence isn't always growth.
3
The absence of drama feels like peace and it may be peaceful, but it's not necessarily growth.
4
Isolation often creates this illusion of being healed.
5
It stops the bleeding, but it doesn't cure you.
Expand All

📝Key Phrases

1
back at square one
2
visceral reaction
3
smooth over
4
fight or flight
5
stoop down to their level
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📖 Transcript

Hello and welcome to, or welcome back to, trying not to care if you're new here.
My name's ashley and i upload every single monday and we just hang out, we do some girl talk, a little therapy session, and it's a good time.
If you didn't listen to last week's episode and you missed the announcement, Merch is coming back and it'll be available February 13th, aka the day before Valentine's Day.
Leading up to it, I'll be posting some sneak peeks of the drop.
So make sure you follow me on Instagram and TikTok.
My Instagram is Ashley Corbo and my TikTok is Ashley C. Corbo.

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