Welcome to story time.
Okay. I've compiled a collection of short stories recently that I'm overjoyed to share with you because I love telling stories but I never get to tell stories because I live a very simple life.
I follow the same routine almost every single day and so I rarely have stories to tell because my life is somewhat predictable.
Like people would assume that my life is much more dynamic than it actually is.
I wake up, I do pretty much the same thing every single day and then I go to sleep.
And there are a few times a year when interesting things happen.
Perhaps I go to an event or something, but for the most part my life is very mundane and I rarely have stories to tell.
But today I have stories to tell and listen, are they going to be the most wild jaw dropping stories you've ever heard?
No, because I'm not a liar.
Okay? Remember the storytime era on YouTube when everybody was making storytime videos and they were doing so well and getting so many views that everybody started lying to keep up the engagement and keep up the views.
I'm not doing that.
All of these stories are true, real, and mediocre at best, but I'm going to try, through storytelling, to make them interesting, because they're not that interesting.
Actually, I'm not selling this, and I should be selling it.
We're going to have fun together, but they're not going to be the most interesting stories you've ever heard in your life.
All right, so lower your expectations a little bit.
But I am going to start out with probably the best story to really get you hooked.
So without further ado, let's begin.
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Now back to the episode.
Let me set the scene.
I believe it was a Saturday afternoon and on the weekends there's nothing I love more than just walking around town.
So usually what I'll do is get in the car and then drive to some sort of walkable area in Los Angeles.
I might go to Venice.
I might go to Silver Lake.
I might go to downtown LA, anywhere where there's shops and food and coffee.
I just love to walk around and window shop and get a coffee and sit outside and watch people walk by.
It's my weekend routine.
So it's a Saturday and I'm getting ready to go.
and I put all the dishes away.
And I cleaned up my closet, I put all my clothes away, and my house was pretty much spotless when I left. And so I go out for the day and I have a delightful day.
All right, I shopped around.
I don't think I bought anything that day, thank God.
I got a coffee. I did some people watching.
I had a long, wonderful, wonderful day.
And I returned home.
And I walked through my front door and immediately I'm like, oh, I have to get my pajamas on, I'm like, I have to get my pajamas on, because I like to get dressed up on the weekends, so I'm itching to get my clothes off, so immediately I put all my stuff down, and then I start walking upstairs to my bedroom.
Immediately, as I'm walking up the stairs, I notice on the staircase, a pair of mustard yellow socks, and I was like, huh, what?
What are these doing here?
Like, I put all my clothes away before I left, Like did the cats get this pair of socks out and It kind of freaked me out a little bit because I was like I can't remember my cats ever playing with my socks maybe when they were kittens But like in recent memory, my cats are not touching my socks And then I thought about it a bit more and I'm like, these are yellow socks These are at the bottom of my sock drawer because I never wear my yellow socks Like I had not worn those socks in probably a year and why are there no other socks out?
Like, if they were playing with socks, they would have probably taken out more than one pair.
Like why this one yellow pair?
Now all of this is flashing through my mind in an instant.
I let it go, and I continue up the stairs into my closet to get into my pajamas.
And I step into my closet, perfectly clean, every single piece of clothing either put away or in my hamper, not another piece of clothing on the floor.
And there's another pair of mustard yellow socks.
Yes, I do have two pairs of mustard yellow socks.
Only two. But I almost shit my pants.
I was like, wait, what is happening?
These are two pairs of socks that I almost never wear.
Now I will say basically, here's how my sock drawers laid out, okay, I have pretty much every color of sock in my sock drawer because for many years I was sort of a sock collector.
I was like obsessed with socks.
And when I got rid of a bunch of clothes, I kept like one or two of each color.
However, all of my colored socks are at the bottom of my sock drawer, beneath a bunch of plain white and plain black socks.
And I have deep, deep, deep sock drawers, like deep.
Like to get to the bottom, it's probably like five socks, seven socks deep.
What are the odds that my cats would go into my sock drawer filled with literally like a hundred pairs of socks And they would dig to the bottom to pick the two pairs of mustard yellow socks.
Literally chills cover my whole body.
I actually have chills all over my body right now.
I was like, this is the ghost. This is the ghost. And if you're unfamiliar with my home, I've had a few little ghost occurrences and let me remind you what's happened thus far with this ghost. Okay.
When I first moved into this house, I did about two years of construction and then towards the end of the long journey of construction and, you know, designing the interior and doing the home decor and everything.
My interior designers decided to give me a gift because it was such a long experience.
And so they gifted me with a sort of like a shaman of sorts who are not a shaman, but like a spiritual guide or something.
Uh, they gave me the gift of a spiritual guide who came into my home and did a bunch of spiritual things in my house.
I actually don't know what she did, because I wasn't there when she did it.
My mom was home and she facilitated that experience.
I was working or something, but at the end of her sort of process, she said, you have a small young boy living in your house.
He's a ghost. Um, he's harmless.
He's not going to harm anyone, but he, he does like to play tricks.
And then I remember my mom was like, wait a minute, maybe he took the ladder because we had a ladder go missing during the construction of my home.
And then a few months later, he like stole my mom's glasses and then he like put them somewhere and then we like found them right after.
Anyway, I have other ghost story episodes.
So go listen to those if you want the full story, but anyway, I had a really, really horrible, horrible experience where I believe that the ghost was playing with my home security system, my alarm system, and basically convinced me through making door chime sounds or something that my house had been broken into and also setting the alarm off Because the ghosts I believe set the alarm off.
I actually feel sick talking about this.
It literally gives me so much anxiety.
I I know that this ghost is harmless But that one experience where he started playing with the alarm system and made me think that somebody broke into my house That was one of the most traumatic nights of my life So I just am really I'm like, please if you're listening buddy We can't like, you can do little funny things with the socks, but nothing more.
Like nothing that makes me call nine one one.
Okay. Thank you. Um, I am 95 % sure if not even 99 % sure that that little guy was playing with my socks and his favorite color is clearly yellow.
Um, because there's no other logical explanation to why those two socks were out.
And you know what? You can all think that I'm being loopy, but there was somebody else at my house at the time, who was there when I cleaned the house, okay?
And then they were also there when we got home.
So I was not fully alone for this, and I said to this person that was with me, I was like, wait a minute, you saw me clean the house.
They were like, yeah, and then I was like, you know what my sock drawer looks like, why are these two pairs of yellow socks out?
And they were like, honestly, Emma?
This is fuckin' weird. I am not alone in thinking that this was weird, okay?
I had a full other party There with me a witness if you will who could back up the fact that this whole thing was fucking weird anyway Nothing has happened since knock on wood As long as he comes in peace.
I'm all good But that one occurrence where he made me call 911 that Was so fucked up and it was one of the darkest nights of my life So if he's listening I hope this isn't giving him ammo to do more little tricks on me because I'm not in the mood This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.
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Let's move on to something a bit less paranormal.
The next two stories take place at my favorite workout class, okay?
Workout classes in Los Angeles are a bit, for the lack of a better word, culty.
Okay, they're not fully culty in the way that like the instructors are pretending to be God or something like that.
You know, there's nothing necessarily toxic about it, But I say culty because workout classes in Los Angeles tend to get a cult following and I have been a part of almost every single workout class cult.
And so my recent one is sort of a hot yoga studio.
Okay. I go all the time and I take the same types of classes every single time and so I see the same people.
Right? And that's what tends to happen with these culty L .A.
workout classes. Everybody figures out who their favorite instructors are.
People become friends because they see each other every week at the same class.
It becomes very communal, and it's actually really cool.
I love it and I make friends and all that.
I become attached to certain instructors.
I wouldn't say I'm the most culty, but I'm definitely involved.
Anyway, so the next two stories take place at my yoga studio.
Starting out with a random Friday afternoon.
I was taking the afternoon class at 12.
I think we were probably 30 minutes, in, really starting to sweat, really starting to feel it.
And we hit the booty section where we do what instructors call fire hydrants.
You know, when you're like on your hands and knees and you put a little weight, perhaps like a five pound weight behind your knee and then you lift your knee up and it burns your booty, okay.
Very pilates coated.
And the instructor had us do like some kind of funny, like she had us put like a yoga block under one of our knees while we were doing it.
And so we're doing the workout and then we finished the booty section and it definitely burned.
It was a tough one.
And afterwards, she was like, how did you guys feel about that one?
And everybody was like, yeah, it was good, it was good, it was good.
And then she was like, well, we can all thank the fitness influencer who, you know, gave me the idea for this workout because I saw it on TikTok.
And then all of a sudden, the woman next to me, I kid you not, the woman next to me screams, fuck influencers.
I hate influencers, kind of as a joke.
Meanwhile, I'm like, oh shit, I think I'm in enemy territory.
Now here's the thing about the yoga class I go to, the crowd that goes to this class is very diverse, like some super old people and some super young people, male, female, like everyone you can possibly imagine is in this yoga class.
I've been to some hot yoga classes in LA that are very much like young girls, my age.
It's very trendy. Everybody's wearing the same yoga pants.
It's catering to a very specific audience.
The place that I go, however, is very different.
It's very diverse. Most people are over the age of 30 and they definitely don't know who I am, okay?
Listen, not that people my age don't know.
I'm not, but I am a public figure, and technically, in some people's eyes, an influencer.
It's very clear that this lady didn't know this, okay?
but it became very clear that most people didn't know this because then the entire room erupts.
Okay, kid you not, erupts, agreeing with this lady that just was like, fuck influencers, I hate influencers.
Then all of a sudden, everyone's erupting being like, yeah, I fucking hate influencers and I'm just sitting there like, I actually thought it was hilarious.
I wasn't like offended, but I was like, they don't like influencers and my job is on the internet.
I am to some people an influencer.
It just depends on what you think an influencer is.
To be honest, like I wish I could say like, I was deeply offended and I walked out of the room and I cried for two days because that would be a more interesting story.
I didn't. I really didn't care.
I actually thought it was quite funny.
I was laughing, but I was also, I was kind of laughing in fear a little bit like, whoa.
If these people find out that I'm an influencer, and I see a lot of these people routinely because I go to this yoga class all the time.
If they find out that I'm an influencer, I fear that they might light me on fire.
I've never experienced something like that.
Where everyone in the room was like, yeah, fuck influencers, influencers should rot in the head.
It was like, what is happening?
And I was so scared.
I was like, but the truth of the matter is like, I get it.
I get it. Listen, I don't believe in like openly hating on anyone.
I don't think that's good for community and society.
I also don't think it's good to do that in an environment like a yoga class because you never know like if you were to come out and say like, oh, I hate country music in the middle of a yoga class in Los Angeles.
There's like a 90 % chance that there is a country artist in that yoga class.
You know what I mean?
That's just how LA is like.
There's a little bit of everyone, especially in entertainment.
So like there's no excuse in my book for like being hateful towards others.
However, I think I can say this because I am an influencer.
I understand the frustration towards influencers.
I really Even though depending on whose definition we're following I am one, you know, I get it.
I Fucking get it. Okay influencers live incredibly Comfortable lives.
They're constantly rubbing in the faces of everyone else how good their life is on the internet Or a lot of them are myself included even like I show my travels.
I show my outfits that I'm wearing I show the food that I'm eating and And depending on what place you're in in your life, that might be annoying.
There's been places in my life, when I was a teenager, when I saw influencers and it made me feel bad.
You know, influencers can be ignorant, like, problematic, like I get it.
Do I think that being hateful towards others is a good thing?
No. Do I think that what that lady did was right by saying that?
No. Do I think that we should all love each other to the best of our ability?
Yes. Even through our flaws?
Yes. but I kind of also was like, all right, I gotta get it.
So we'll see if they ever find out that I am influencer among them.
I don't think anyone knows yet because everybody like loves me there and is quite nice to me.
So, I am just crossing my fingers that they don't find out.
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Now, Let's get back to the episode.
Okay, let's move on to the next yoga story.
There is a woman at my yoga class.
I think she's probably about, I don't know, maybe she's in her 70s.
And she's been going to this yoga class for years.
She's friends with everybody, somewhat she knows everybody, but I will say she's a little bit of a bully to some people.
If you're on her good side, she loves you.
She gives you a hug when she sees you.
You know, she loves you.
If she doesn't like you for whatever reason she's rolling her eyes at you for no reason She's scoffing at you.
She might even yell at you for something.
Okay, so that's this lady All right.
Do I think she's ultimately harmless?
Yes, I don't know I don't know sometimes you just don't know why people are the way that they are like, but she can definitely be a bully All right.
I have a friend that I see at yoga class We chatted up every day.
And the first time I really realized that this that this woman We'll call her, what fake name?
We'll call her Patty, okay?
We'll call her Patty.
The first time I realized that Patty was a bit of a bully was when my friend went over.
So basically, let me explain something before I go further.
In this yoga class, you get to put your yoga mat down anywhere you want in the room as long as there's an open space.
So it's first come first serve and if you want to get your spot that you really love, you got to get there early and put your mat down, and claim it, right?
And so one day, my friend, who we're gonna name Abby.
Okay, so we have Patty and we have Abby.
So Abby goes in one day and puts her mat down far in the corner, like in the back corner of the room.
Because it's hotter back there, and I don't know, that's what she wanted that day.
Patty did not like this, because something that was unbeknownst to Abby was that this is Patty's spot.
Patty goes there every single day and no one else is allowed to claim it.
But Patty was a bit late that day and didn't get the spot.
So Abby was like, oh, I guess that's my spot then.
Patty ripped Abby a new one, ripped her a new one.
And ever since then, has been very, very mean to Abby.
Now, if I were to psychologically analyze why paddy became mean to abby after that interaction i think it's because deep down patty feels bad for yelling at abby about taking that spot saying this is my spot i show up here every day this is my spot you need to go somewhere else like this is this corner as she was saying she was like this corner is too hot for you you won't be able to handle it and you're not even very good at taking this class so you need to go closer to the door she's like you need to go over there because that's where people who are less experienced should go.
You shouldn't be over here.
Why did you think you could go over here?
You haven't earned being over here.
I think deep down Patty knew that that was rude.
And so I think to try to, I don't know, like convince herself that that behavior was okay.
She just started to like bully Abby all the time.
Anyway, very odd behavior.
So that was the first sort of instance of like, okay, this woman is very territorial over her corner in the, in the yoga room.
All right, but the other day there was an explosion an explosion of anger So I got there super early because I wanted to get my spot.
All right. I have a very specific spot I like to be right by the door right next to the mirror.
Like I have a very specific spot.
I like to go and Patty was there early as well And so we're waiting we're waiting and then the like one of the people at the front desk was like, all right You guys can go in and so I go in I put my mat down and then I start chatting it up with someone of the yoga people and all of a sudden I hear shouting from the corner and I was like, ooh, someone is in Patty's spot I fear.
And I look over and it was a man who actually had stayed after.
So there was a class that was in the yoga room previous to our class.
And he just decided to stay in stretch for 30 minutes after class, which is totally allowed. And And he was in Paddy's spot and Paddy ripped him, a new one, started yelling at him.
But then the guy started yelling back, and they get into a verbal brawl.
No fists were there, but it was not physical, but there was yelling back and forth, okay?
And then ultimately Paddy got humbled.
She did. Paddy got humbled.
She walked away, scoffing, rolling her eyes.
she was so upset and then she was talking shit about him in the locker room.
I mean, she was pissed, but I really do hope that she learned her lesson because I don't think she can treat people like that.
It's very rare that somebody is really a bully in adulthood, but it's fascinating to see it, to see her get stood up to.
I was like, you know what?
That's the best way to handle it.
Cause I really, I really do think she learned her lesson.
I don't think she'll be, she'll be bullying people anymore, but we'll see.
Her other thing that she likes to do is she likes to say that other people stink.
She loves to say that people stink.
Like, she'll come out of class sometimes, and in the locker room, she'll be like, oh my God, this girl stinks.
I smelled her today.
She stinks. It's like, yeah, we're in hot yoga.
Leave people alone.
Nobody stinks that bad.
Well, the whole room kind of stinks.
But it's just part of it.
We're in a 110 degree room with 50 people.
It's gonna smell bad, that's a part of it.
I wonder what she says behind my back, who knows.
Anyways, so that's some of my hot Yoga lore.
I don't know if that story was like I had to be there moment, like maybe that just like wasn't that interesting but whatever, too late.
I already told the story.
Let's move on to something absolutely disgusting.
This next story, if you are eating, I strongly suggest that you turn this episode off and you start listening again like an hour or two after your meal because this story is disgusting.
Okay? It happened to me this past weekend.
So this past weekend, I was actually hanging out in downtown Los Angeles.
Now, downtown Los Angeles, if you've never been there, is an interesting place.
It sort of looks like New York City in the way that there's a bunch of high rise buildings, but the energy is very different.
It is far less rustling and bustling.
It's not super busy, depending on where you are.
It's a bit more chill.
It's a bit less nice in majority of areas.
Like I think New York is, for the most part, a bit cleaner, maybe a bit more, I don't know.
Like there's a bit more going on.
It has a bit more life to it.
Downtown Los Angeles is a bit less awesome, but I will say it's sometimes a really fun place to hang out.
There is some really incredible food in downtown LA.
there's some incredible shopping areas, there are some really cute areas that are just like fun to sit out and like hang out at, good people watching, like there are some really beautiful, incredible pockets of Downtown LA.
A lot of really cool areas like there's different districts, like there's the fabric district, there's like the flour district, so like if you wanted to go buy a bunch of fabric for like a sewing project, Downtown LA has the perfect spot for you.
If you wanted to decorate your home with a bunch of beautiful flowers, there's an area in downtown where there's a bunch of flower shops.
I'm growing to love downtown more and more, but it's definitely sometimes a bit rough, it's a bit dirty as well.
It's fun, but you got to kind of keep your eyes out.
You never want to let your guard down.
You want to know where you're going.
You don't want to just kind of stroll around into random areas.
like it's good to kind of know where you're going.
Anywho, so this past weekend I had a wonderful day in downtown Los Angeles.
I went to some vintage stores to look for some summer clothes potentially.
There's like a really cute little shopping area.
I wanted to walk around in like Little Tokyo.
There was like some really cute shopping around there.
Anyway, so I had a wonderful day.
I was hanging out with someone and we were walking around and it was towards the end of our adventure in downtown Los Angeles.
And I was talking about with the person I was with, I was like, I'm really growing to love downtown.
Like it used to be so stressful for me.
Like I never knew where to park and I always kind of felt stressed out.
Like, am I, am I safe?
Like, I don't know.
I never knew where all the cool stores were.
Like it's taken so many years living in Los Angeles to finally truly appreciate downtown LA, and I was talking about how great of a day I had.
We had walked around a lot, like, gotten a lot of steps in.
I was commenting about that, like, wow, like we walked like 10 ,000 steps and it didn't even feel like 10 ,000 steps.
I feel like I walked like 2 ,000, but we were just having so much fun and my shoes were so comfortable.
I was wearing my little Marzella tabby flats.
Okay? Now, if you don't know what a Marzella tabby flat is imagine a little ballet flat but in between the big toe and the second longest toe there's a slit all the way through there's a slit it's not just like the illusion of a split it's fully split all the way through the toe and I was talking about how comfortable those shoes were and then I remembered how earlier in the day a young woman came up to me and was like hey are those shoes comfortable and I was like yes actually they are and she was I was like, I don't know, are you sure?
And I was like, yes, they're comfortable.
And we kind of had a back and forth about it.
So then when I was walking around at the end of the day, I was recalling this story, I was like it's so crazy how comfortable these shoes are because nobody thinks they're comfortable.
Like remember that girl earlier, she was like doubting me so hard, like fighting me almost about these shoes.
And I was like, no, they are comfortable.
And then I started talking about how much I love these shoes.
They're cream. they have like a cute little knot tie detail on the top, like I love these shoes, I wear them all the time.
And I was going on and on with the person I was with talking about how much I love these shoes.
And then all of a sudden, I feel my foot slip a little bit.
And I take a few steps forward and I was like, did I just fuckin' step on a banana peel?
Like what, am I playing Mario Cart?
Like what the fuck is happening?
And I turn around and I look and I see a massive human, Human, I believe it to be human, shit on the street.
And I stepped in it, yeah.
Is there a chance it was dog poop from like maybe a great Dane?
Like a huge, massive, huge dog, maybe?
I think, I personally think it was human shit.
It looked like human shit and I have a really hard time with poop, okay.
Like, listen, of course poop is disgusting.
Right? I mean there's some people out there who like it.
All right. Listen, I won't yuck your yum Actually, I will yuck your yum because I really hate poop.
All right, like It really bothers me.
Like I like throw -up doesn't bother me boogers don't really bother me It's fine.
Like if somebody like sneezes and like a big booger falls out of their nose.
I'm like, it's good It's all good.
Or like if somebody throws up in front of me that doesn't gross me out poop really bothers me.
Like I really am grossed out.
Pee doesn't bother me.
I don't know. There's just something about poop.
I almost have like a phobia of it.
I was with somebody else, of course.
A young man, okay? A young man of whom that I am close with.
And I was like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, what am I going to do?
And I looked down at my gorgeous cream Margiela tabby shoes and I'm not drop like listen I don't care that they're like nice shoes it doesn't like I don't care about that.
What I care about is that this is a tabby.
There's a split in the toe okay.
I look down at my toe and it's just coming through the split.
It's packed through the split of the toe.
It'd be one thing if I stepped in human shit in a Doc Martin you know what I mean?
Because those are like waterproof, weatherproof.
They're like fully wrapped around the full foot.
Like it's like, if you step in something, all you gotta do is like find the nearest hose and like hose off your shoe and you're fine.
I was in a very small, fragile shoe that had a split between the toe, not to mention these shoes are really worn in.
Okay. So the second I stepped in it, I felt the temperature of the feces on my foot because of how thin the leather is because I've worn it through.
I was so frightened that it seeped through onto my sock.
I didn't know what to do.
I said to the person I was with, I was like, what am I supposed to do?
Like, I don't know what to do.
Like, should we get like a bottle of water?
And he was like, all right, here's what we're gonna do.
He sits me down at a table.
There was like a restaurant that had like a bunch of tables that on the street that like went out super far.
And I sat at the farthest table I was very far.
I was not nearly close to anyone.
It was also like off hours, nobody was even eating there.
So I sat down on this chair and he was like, give me a second.
So now I'm like sitting with what I believe to be human shit packed on my shoe, and I'm like trying to scrape it off against the curb and it's just not budging.
And I'm like, I might have to throw my shoes away right now which is fine.
Like, listen, these things are replaceable, but it's more just like, wait, what am I gonna do?
what am I going to do?
Like, am I going to get sick?
Like I don't know what's going to happen.
So I sit there for like somewhere between seven to 10 minutes and this young man that I'm with comes back.
He went to a liquor store and he bought Clorox wipes and a bottle of water.
And I was like, Oh my God, you are saving my life.
Like, this is amazing.
This is a miracle. Thank you so much. And he was like, wait.
And he goes into a nearby cafe for a minute and he comes out with sterile sterile rubber gloves and a bunch of napkins.
Next, he instructs me to stand up and walk over to the curb.
Where he sits on the curb, takes one of his shoes off, has me put my foot in the shoe, his shoe.
He then takes my shoe and proceeds to clean it himself.
What he had to witness, what he was about six inches away from as he was cleaning my shoe, is something that I couldn't have stomached myself.
Okay? This young man took it upon himself to literally take off his own shoe so that I didn't have to balance on one foot and then clean my shoe to perfection to the point where I don't even have to throw these shoes away.
He Clorox -wiped them to oblivion.
I mean, they are cleaner than they've ever been before.
He had to poke the shit out from between the toe and he did it all without a complaint.
And I truly have never, no one has ever done something nicer for me in my life.
Ever. My standard for how I wanna treat others and how I wanna be treated, have now elevated to a brand new level after that experience.
I was truly moved. I mean, listen, the craziest part of this story is that I stepped in human shit.
But to be honest, growing up near San Francisco, I've seen my fair share of human shit on the street.
I've seen people shitting like I've seen the poop happening.
I've seen people pissing all over like I've seen the shit It's just something that happens in a city.
It's sad. It's sad.
It's a bummer. It sucks I Just know I I didn't think I would ever Have to interact with it.
It was also so fresh.
Like I don't even know how it like it was literally brand -new But I'm happy to say that I still have that pair of tabbies.
There's still my favorite pair of shoes And now they, they hold a beautiful memory of, of this young man who really took care of me.
And that was really sweet.
And let's all send him love and clap for him.
Let's clap for him.
Let's clap for him.
Can I be honest, ladies?
If you think right now, if your boyfriend wouldn't do that for you, close your eyes.
If your boyfriend wouldn't do that for you, break up with him.
I'm not kidding. There's a man out there that would wipe poop out of your tabbies, and you need to find him.
Don't settle. Do not settle.
Let's move on. Okay, this is such a funny and embarrassing story.
I'm actually mortified by this story, and you all are probably going to think of me differently.
Actually I don't know.
I don't know how this story's going to come off, but I'm going to tell it anyway.
I briefly paused this episode to let you know that this episode is brought to you by Hotels .com.
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Now, Let's get back to the episode.
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This episode is brought to you by FX.
It's finally here, the new FX original comedy series, Adults, starring my bestie, Owen Thiele.
Owen is the funniest person I know.
He's been my best friend for many years now.
He's such an incredible actor.
Owen is a part of an ensemble cast on the show about a group of 20 -something friends, and I have a feeling this is going to feel familiar.
Adults will feel relatable if you too, ever find humor in the struggles of being an adult in 2025.
You know, like remembering your full social security number, I don't know mine or to drink water or perhaps having had your third existential crisis of the month.
Best part is that all episodes will be ready for your next weekend binge.
Watch FX is adults Wednesdays on FX all episodes now streaming on Hulu.
So the other day, actually was this the same day as the poop tabby?
No, it might have been the day before.
Anyways, same weekend as I stepped in poop in my tabby's, I stopped into this super fancy, like, bougie, super fashion store.
It's called Maxfield.
And I love popping in there every once in a while because they have, like, sometimes they'll have runway pieces, they have a bunch of designer stuff.
I almost never buy anything there because everything is really expensive and it's like it's more to me like kind of like going into a little gallery or something but I find it quite fun.
And so on this particular weekend I decided to pop in and it's located in West Hollywood on a very popular street where there's a lot of action.
It's like a fun street to hang out on like you can get really good food you can shop around mainly like designer stores but it's like fun to just hang out around there.
There's a lot of fun stuff to see.
So I go into Maxfield, I shop around, it's like kind of a quiet weekend sort of evening off hours, like not quite lunchtime, not quite dinnertime.
So it was definitely not super busy, but there are people around.
I'm walking out of the store, and the door is sort of protected.
It's like almost in sort of like an alley or not quite an alley, but it's like, the door is not accessible from the street.
Like you have to walk around the building sort of towards the back to get in.
And so to then get out, you are then walking back around the building to go to the street.
And I walk around the corner to start walking towards the street and there was a fucking paparazzi taking photos of me.
Now, I know what you're thinking, Emma, you're a public figure.
Like that shit happens in LA, right?
No, it doesn't, okay?
I can't tell you how many times I've shopped around in that area.
I never get paparazzi'd out of nowhere.
Like, there are times when paparazzi randomly takes photos of me, but it's always in an environment or at a time where it's expected.
Like, for example, if I'm in New York for the Met, there's paparazzi around at every single event, at every single restaurant throughout the weekend because there's a bunch of public figures around, you know?
So it's like not super shocking for somebody to take a photo of me because they're like taking a photo of everyone because there's just So many public figures around and they're just trying to get as much sort of coverage on who's going to the event?
Who's around town? But also like there are certain restaurants in LA that always have paparazzi in front of them There are certain you know events that have paparazzi around them like certain parties that have paparazzi outside But it's always sort of expected.
You know what I mean?
And I always know like, Oh, there's probably gonna be cameras outside of this event.
I can't remember the last time I got paparazzi at random.
Like when I was younger, like a teenager, there was this phase where there was a YouTube channel called The Hollywood Fix.
And it was like this guy who really focused on like, YouTubers, TikTokers, influencers, and he really would like show up at houses sometimes like you'd show up at an influencer, TikToker, YouTubers residence.
And he did do that to me a few times.
and he would follow me and find me, but it was like different.
It wasn't like the paparazzi.
It was like its own sort of thing.
It was a YouTube channel of this guy who does very specifically like social media personality interviews and it was a bit invasive because he would sometimes come to your house, which was like a little bit crazy.
The moral of the story is I was shopping.
I really did not expect this to happen.
It was shocking to me.
And I immediately like, I like almost screamed a little.
I was startled it was so not cool the cool thing to do would have been for me to have walked out and been like just fucking strut But immediately I like screamed a little bit and then I started laughing because I screamed.
I think the photos are somewhere I don't even know it doesn't matter But like I start laughing and then my reaction in general was just mortifying like To scream a little bit and then to like start laughing and get like nervous and weird it was so Embarrassing, and I was like, oh my god.
I like what is happening Like this guy is used to saying like fucking the Kardashians walking into a restaurant So hot strutting it looking so hot wearing a chic outfit always prepared for the camera Meanwhile, I like walk out and I'm like, oh my god Who are you?
Oh my god. I'm being paparazzi wait.
What? Oh my god. Okay.
Wait. Should I like look cool?
Like that was my reaction it was oh my god.
It was so embarrassing and then I was like fuck What if he's filming it?
Because sometimes Bob Marazzi will film.
And I was like, Oh my god, if he's filming it, this is going to be a TikTok.
This is going to get posted on TikTok and everyone's gonna be like Emma is the least like look at this cringe freak.
She's like giggling and screaming and it was so embarrassing.
Anyway, I walked up to him and I was like, Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
My reaction to seeing you is so weird. like I genuinely was just shocked.
Like I never, like how did you even find me?
I was like, and then there was this woman with him and this woman was like I saw you from across the street.
Then I look across the street and I remembered, oh, there's a restaurant across the street that always has paparazzi out front.
And they were clearly just waiting for like, I don't know, Machine Gun Kelly to like walk in in an hour, you know, so like they were waiting for that.
And then I guess because it was just off hours, like four Pm, they saw me across the street and they're like, oh, I guess we'll take a picture of that lady.
So then they took a picture of me and then it was so funny, because I was like, oh my God, as a joke, I was like, I hope I looked good.
And then he was like, do you wanna take a few more where you can be more pose?
I was like, sure. So I like a lot, I like stepped back a few steps and then like walked for him a little bit.
And then I was like, all right, I got to go.
Like, this is ridiculous.
What are we doing? But then I was like fuck, what if he took a video of that?
Like what if he took a video of him being like, Do you want to like retake them and kind of stage them and make them look good and then I was like, yeah Duh, and then there's like photos of me like faking getting paparazzi photos.
I was like this whole thing is a mess This is a mess.
This is mortifying everything about this is mortifying I was like, oh my god like the one time I get paparazzi in the wild naturally like I should have just Walked past him and like looked fucking hot and cool and been like hey, babe, and then like kept walking But no, I like interacted with him.
I was like, hey, oh my god, this is so fun And I'm like, wait, and then he's like, should we take more?
And I'm like, yes! Like it was so embarrassing.
It was just like not cool.
But I don't know, it's fine, it's fine.
But it feels also kind of rude like if this person is taking a photo of you to like completely ignore, I don't know.
I'm not really like caught up with the etiquette.
When it comes to like me going to an event or something and there's paparazzi there, like they don't need to chat, you know, they don't care.
They also don't care about me that much, like it's not that deep, they're taking photos of everyone.
So like just walking by and kind of ignoring the camera is totally fine.
But when somebody like finds you in the middle of West Hollywood on like on off hours, and there's like no one around it's like a weird vibe, but it's kind of fun.
Now I'm like oh my God, should I start like leaking my location more often?
Because I kind of had fun.
It was kind of a rush.
Because that's a lot of times what happens with paparazzi I think is that paparazzi know where certain celebrities frequent.
They know where they live.
Like don't get me wrong, paparazzi definitely catch people in the wild, but just as much people are calling the paparazzi on themselves.
I don't know. Maybe I just need to hang out in more places where there's paparazzi cause it was kind of fun.
Or maybe I just start calling it on myself.
I don't think that that's morally wrong necessarily.
If it's like, it's kind of fun, it's definitely a bit cringe, but I don't think it's morally wrong, but it is a little bit cringe.
I don't know. Well, if you start seeing more paparazzi photos of me, it's either that I started hanging out in areas where there's a lot of paparazzi or I just started calling it on myself.
So just beware and keep your eyes out on Daily Mail.
Anyways, last but not least, my last story of the day is the only story that's not somewhat recent within the last six months.
This story dates back years ago.
However, it's recently been on my mind for a reason that I will explain after I tell the story.
So let me take you back to my first breakup.
This was one of my darkest hours.
I was down fucking bad, crying all the time, laying in bed, watching Jersey Shore every single day, the TV show, manifesting that my ex at that time would ultimately choose to get back together with me, crying, crying, crying every day, crying, sobbing, thinking that life was over, et cetera.
You know how it is, first breakup, doesn't feel good.
You know what made that breakup so fucking hard?
The fact that his fragrance that he wore, Bac rouge 540.
That specific fragrance is one of the most potent fragrances of all time.
So you know what that means?
His smell lingered in my apartment for six months.
I kid you not, every time I'd sit on my couch, I'd smell him.
I would sometimes like randomly take out a piece of clothing from my closet that I hadn't worn in a while and it would smell like him.
That fragrance sticks to everything and it sticks for months, okay?
not only that, but it's a delicious smell.
It's like the best smell ever.
So not only was I going through the worst breakup of my life, but that scent made it 5 ,000 times worse because every time I'd forget about him, I'd sit on my couch, get a whiff of that aroma and remember immediately how it felt to hug him, brutal.
But you know what I ended up doing?
I ended up buying The Fragrance myself for two reasons.
Number one because if I started wearing it myself it would become my own thing, I would associate the smell with me.
Number two, when you wear a fragrance enough, you almost don't smell it anymore.
Oh my God, my oven just made a sound.
That scared the fucking shit out of me.
I thought it was the ghost. Oh my God.
My oven just made it, Oh, sometimes my oven's fan will like randomly go on.
Now my cat looks scared.
Hold on. I need to check what's happening.
It's fine. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. That was really scary.
My oven every once in a while will like turn on the fan, even if the oven's not on.
And it makes sort of like a loud sound.
And it is normal. Like, it happens, I don't know, like every two weeks or something like that will randomly happen or I'll hear it.
But it just happened to happen after telling you multiple ghost stories.
So I feel sick to my stomach. Anyway, so back to the fragrance story, which now seems irrelevant as I think the ghost is playing with my fan in my oven.
I bought this fragrance for a few reasons.
Number one, because I would re associate the smell with myself rather than with him.
Number two, because the more I wore it, the less potent the smell would become.
Like you almost become nose blind to a fragrance that you wear all the time, you don't even smell it anymore.
And then number three, because I actually remembered that when we were dating, I asked him if I could buy that fragrance too because I loved the smell so much, it was so good.
And he said, no. So the third reason was kind of a fuck you, like, you know what?
No, fuck you. Yeah, fuck you.
Because it's weird to be like to your girlfriend who loves the scent so much, like, oh my God, I wanna wear that smell too.
Let's wear it together.
And then like the boyfriend says no, ew, that's rude.
That's rude. Glad we broke up.
So no, he didn't mean any harm by it.
He just wanted a signature scent.
Like, you know what?
Can you blame a young man for wanting a signature scent?
I guess you can't. Then ever since, literally for the last six, seven years, that has been my scent.
That is the only fragrance that I really wear.
I mean, there's been a few exceptions here and there, but for the most part, that has been my signature scent.
And I just recently came to the conclusion, I need to find a new one that's mine.
I don't like that this one has this history.
I want one that has a clean slate.
And so I'm in the market for a new signature scent, but it's so hard, it's so hard to find.
Like I smell fragrances at every single Sephora, at every single like designer store.
Like anytime I'm around fragrance where there's like a big display of fragrances out, I'm smelling every single one.
And I've yet to find one that really sticks with me.
None of them are quite right.
I don't know. We'll see if I ever find it.
But anyway, that was my signature scent villain origin story.
You know, it's like revenge.
Like you didn't let me have that have that scent when we were dating and now the scent is haunting me So I'm gonna wear it and it's my signature scent now I think those are all the stories I have. I wish I had more But actually I'm glad to stop now because then, you know, if I remember anymore, I'll just save it for the next short story Compilation.
I hope you enjoyed these stories sorry that it wasn't like anything really crazy like me like jumping out of a building and then like a a squirrel, like, jumping on my back and then me using a parachute.
Like, sorry it wasn't like that.
Cause I know that that's what you all want because all of our attention spans are horrible now because of the internet.
So I know that you're expecting like real shock value.
I didn't really give you that, but I gave you some stories.
At least this was like, white noise for you to do chores to or like fall asleep to, you know, that's all I could ever ask.
Or maybe you're on like a road trip and you're bored And like you just want the warm hum of a familiar voice.
Like I don't know. But regardless, I enjoyed our time together.
I love telling stories.
I can't wait till I get to tell stories again.
But until then, new episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday.
Anything goes is available anywhere you stream podcasts.
But if you want to watch a video, that's on Spotify and YouTube.
I'm everywhere at Emma Chamberlain and my coffee company is Chamberlain coffee.
And I love you all and I appreciate you all.
And I can't wait to talk to you in a few days and that's it.
All right. I'll talk to you soon.
Bye.
