The Power of Frequent Affection: Why You Should Say 'I Love You' More Often

In this episode of Before Breakfast, host Laura Vanderkam delivers a simple yet profound piece of advice: say "I love you" more often. While holidays like Valentine's Day offer a convenient excuse to exchange "flowers and cards," the message emphasizes that expressing affection should be a year-round practice rather than a seasonal gesture.

Overcoming the Daily Grind

Laura notes that it is all too easy for parents to let the final interactions of the day be consumed by logistical frustrations. She shares her personal experience of shifting her morning routine with her children. Instead of ending conversations with critiques like "why aren't your shoes in the mudroom?" or "you can't wear shorts in January," she makes a conscious effort to conclude with a simple "Love you."

By doing this, she ensures that even if her children face challenges throughout the day, the last thing they heard from her was something "affectionate." This small shift in language serves as a safety net, ensuring that logistical chaos does not overshadow the underlying bond of the relationship.

Practical Steps for the Less Expressive

For those who are "not known for being particularly showy with emotions," Laura suggests a gradual approach. If verbalizing feelings feels daunting, she recommends starting with "more demonstrative texts." Sending an "emoji heart" or a quick message saying "thinking about you" during a lunch break can be a low-pressure way to bridge the gap before building up to verbal expressions of love.

The Misconception of Diminishing Returns

One of the central arguments of the episode is that affection does not lose its value through repetition. Laura clarifies that saying "I love you" does not mean the words "mean less just because you say it more often." Furthermore, she emphasizes that expressing love is not an "invitation to downplay or write off bad behavior."

She provides a powerful example of how to balance discipline with unconditional love:

"The school principal had to call me today about the incident in class. I love you no matter what you do. I am also taking away your iPad."

This distinction proves that you can hold boundaries and accountability while maintaining a foundation of unwavering support.

A Down Payment on Future Happiness

Even in difficult times, such as when a spouse and partner are in a "rough patch," frequent expressions of love act as a "down payment on your future happiness." It is a verbal commitment that signifies, "I love you and I trust we are going to work this out."

Conclusion: The Reflective Nature of Love

Laura concludes by encouraging listeners to use the social momentum of Valentine's Day to start a new habit. By committing to saying these "little words" at least once a day, listeners might find that they "feel more loving the more you talk about loving people." Ultimately, love is a reciprocal force; by actively expressing it, you will likely find that you "feel more loved as well," making the most of the time we have with those who matter most.