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Okay, let's get started.
Hi, John.
Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan.
How are you, John?
Good to see you.
I'm amazing.
How are you guys?
Well, we'll decide if you're amazing or not, John.
That's our decision.
We are the judge, jury, and sex executioner.
John, that made no sense, and I apologize.
Where are you coming to us from right now, John?
Located in Reno, Nevada, just north of you guys.
I was going to go by your house plant behind you and your guitar that was Reno.
I'm coming in hot, and I apologize, John, but I just had some very sugary cereal.
The company that makes Fruity Pebbles sent us in a couple of boxes of Fruity Pebbles and I had three bowls of Fruity Pebbles with whole milk.
Yes.
That's my favorite. favorite cereal.
It's out there.
There's tons of them.
And it's like I mainlined something that's much purer than crack cocaine.
And big bowls or small bowls?
How much volume are we talking about?
How dare you ask me a question?
John, I came in way too hot, John.
And that's a fair question.
I would say a medium-sized bowl, a healthy-sized bowl.
And that's why I'm revving a little bit.
And I blame the people who make the delicious and fantastic Fruity Pebbles.
John, let's get to the point.
You come from Reno.
What is it you do?
Who are you?
Tell us about this man named John.
Yeah, absolutely.
Born and raised in Reno, Nevada, for better or worse.
And yeah, started a couple of juice bars with my older brother.
You and your older brother own some juice bars in Reno, Nevada.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
We started them after I dropped out of college.
We started them when I was 19 years old.
And I'm 32 years young now.
How are they doing?
Is this a viable?
Are you making your living off these juice bars?
I am making my living off of these juice bars.
Congratulations.
That's very cool.
You're an entrepreneur.
This is very cool.
Yeah, yeah, it's exciting.
It's a lot of smoothies for a living.
But, you know, I'm constantly making and serving smoothies, you know, year after year.
But, you know, there's worse problems to have on this.
Well, I don't know that there are, but...
John, tell us about these smoothies, these juices that you make.
Pretend I'm a potential investor, or let's simplify it, a customer.
What makes these juices or smoothies so great?
Sell me on these.
Well, Absolutely.
Yeah.
So raw and fresh is the is what sets us apart.
I would say, you know, we joined sort of the juice bar craze.
Everybody's getting green juice.
Do you guys drink any green juice?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I like a green juice every now and then.
And I do have a habit of making.
I've been doing it for a while.
I make a smoothie for myself in the morning using like three fistfuls of baby spinach.
And then I put some protein powder in there and some fruit.
And Fruity Pebbles?
No, no.
The Fruity Pebbles was an aberration.
I don't do that a lot, but they sent the Fruity Pebbles and it is my, it's, I can't help it.
It's.
You're teaching every, every product that they could just send it to you and you're going to use it, no matter what it is.
Well, so far.
Okay.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yes.
Every time.
I mean, we get sent a lot of fresh medicines and antibiotics from the pharmaceutical companies and I just immediately inject them into my body without even knowing what they are.
So send us whatever you got.
Send us some juice.
No, but the juices, so I'm familiar with, it's a good way to get some good stuff into you.
And it is.
Yeah.
What's wrong with that?
You're sugar crashing.
I know.
It's just the wording.
Gets good stuff into you.
Well, it is.
I mean, when am I going to eat a couple of handfuls of spinach?
That's not going to happen.
Right.
I'm not Popeye.
That's not going to happen.
I'm not with olive oil sailing the seven seas.
That's not going to happen in my life.
But if I put it into a kind of a tasty vanilla-tinged juice or smoothie, that's going into my body.
So what kind of juices do you have?
What do you recommend?
Yes.
So we're all over the spectrum.
You know, like real health juicing is just like no fruit is not that much sugar.
You can have a little bit, but like mainly you're talking like spinach, kale, cucumber, celery.
Now, what makes all the boring?
What makes that palatable?
How do you take all that stuff and make it drinkable?
Um, you know, you know we sell things like shots and stuff and I tell people it's just like taking any other shot.
You just get it down, you know, like cucumber, kale, spinach juice is always going to taste.
That's really funny that you're serving a product for people to eat and you're saying just get it down quickly and ignore the taste.
Do you know what I mean?
Can you imagine a restaurant where they're like, just get it in you fast!
Just get it in fast!
And then just hold it down.
You're going to want to vomit, but hold it down.
Once in a blue moon, we get like bad Yelp reviews where they go like, this product tastes like shit.
I don't understand what the hype is about.
And we always respond like, it's supposed to taste like that.
It's really good for you.
Yeah, it's got shit in it.
We put feces in it because it's good roughage.
Are there?
There are some things that I'm suspicious of that shouldn't like.
I don't like.
Uh well, I know beets are good for me, but I don't like beets.
I have a beef with beets.
Yeah, I do too.
Because they look like candy.
Yes.
They look like watermelon.
They, they're false advertising.
Right.
Right.
It looks like absolute ass.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
And yet it's the staple crop in Russia.
Right.
Um, and, uh, and, and people swear by beets.
I, uh, I'm with you on this.
Beets look red and wonderful and inviting and it looks like you're going to bite into the sweetest cherry in the world.
And you bite into it and suddenly your mouth is World War III.
I disagree.
I like borscht a lot.
I mean, you grew up in a different country in a different time.
Yeah.
Different political ideology.
What does that have to do with liking borscht?
Well, you grew up under the cold iron boot of an authoritarian regime.
That's not true.
That is not true.
So back to you, John, and I apologize for my compatriots bursting in like that.
I've made it very clear to them they shouldn't speak.
And yet they do.
And yet I continue to invite them in and encourage them to speak and pay them to speak.
John, I'm still on a Fruity Pebbles high right now.
I'm jealous.
Hey, you know what you should do?
Make a really healthy shake, but then throw a handful of Fruity Pebbles in there and you've got a delicious shake.
That's what he was saying.
He said that earlier.
Did you say that earlier?
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Well, we're paying attention, John.
Sorry.
I'm sorry, John.
It'll be new on our list.
Oh, no, of course.
Yeah.
Okay.
I have a question.
Celery.
Is celery anything?
That's a good question.
No, I'm serious.
You're right.
Is it anything?
What is celery?
Celery is definitely something.
It's just water that somehow managed to form into a stick, isn't it?
Yeah.
Isn't it water that took a class and got hypnotized and thinks it's a stick?
But it's not beets.
It's not telling you anything different.
No, no, it's not telling you anything.
But is there any nutritional value in celery?
Let's say...
I'm in a shipwreck.
I go overboard.
I get into a little raft and all it has is celery.
Do I survive after 30 days or am I dead?
I would say emphatically, no, you do not survive.
Because what's in celery with just celery?
Well, it's got a lot of water and water and sodium and potassium.
And yeah, I mean, it's got nothing, but it's a nice dip in peanut butter.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It Exactly.
Yes.
Yes.
It's like a cracker.
You don't mind a tasteless cracker, but then you put some peanut butter on it's fine.
But in and of itself, why would you add celery to any?
And look, I know that there are some listeners right now saying why is Conan going down this celery road?
Yeah, I think he's lost his noodle.
He's gone, you know, pebbled.
Yeah, he's been pebbled.
But no, I think I'm onto something.
Isn't celery a waste of time?
Why put it in anything?
Yeah.
Well, you're right.
It is mostly water.
And then, while you were saying that, I was thinking that you know it does form into cellar and then we technically are turning it back into a water product, to put it back into juice.
But does it have roughage?
Because roughage has its value.
But celery has tons of value.
You want all that potassium.
You want all that sodium.
It is a great source of water.
It's a good way to stay hydrated.
I like that crisp crunch where the beets just let you down.
That's fiber, too.
Yeah, fiber.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Yeah, fiber, roughage.
I said roughage.
I'll take celery over beets any day.
No, beets over celery.
I said it wrong.
I said it incorrectly, but I said I'll take beets over celery.
I'm with you on celery.
Also, Can I add, you guys are crazy for hating beets.
I'm team Sona here because beets are great.
All right, John.
You can pickle them.
You can boil them.
Yeah.
You can juice them.
You know what's funny?
Possibilities are endless.
I hate a beet, but when you say pickle it, suddenly I'm down.
Let it rot for a little bit, and then I'm all in the basement.
And then I'm ready to go.
No, if you don't like a food, pickling it doesn't make you like it more, John.
I'm sorry.
I've never been angrier at anyone in my life.
I understand.
I never knew your feelings about celery.
But I agree with you.
You're in business with your brother.
Now, I love my brothers.
But if I went into business with them, there'd be gunplay pretty quickly.
There'd be shots fired.
I can't.
Do you get along with your brother?
And what's your brother's name?
My brother's name is Adam.
Yeah, we started the business together and my number one piece of advice is you got it perfectly right.
Don't go into business with your family.
It's never a good idea.
Is he additive?
Does he add much to it?
Or is he sort of this celery in your shake?
Is he just this... He's there.
He has a little bit of sodium and a lot of water, and you could do without him, but whatever.
He's here.
Be honest.
Is your brother celery?
Is Adam celery?
I would like...
I would like to think I'm the beats in this family, versatile, delicious.
And then, yeah, I would like to think he's the seller.
He's a little bit boring, a little plain, you know.
No, he's great.
Yeah, and boy, do we fight.
You know we've developed some skills over the years of not like screaming at each other in front of customers and staff.
Yeah, when people go to a juice bar, they don't want to see two guys screaming at each other.
It's supposed to be, you're like a yoga studio.
You're supposed to represent this calm, self-nurturing.
Exactly.
What do you fight over in the juice world?
Oh my gosh, you wouldn't believe it.
Recipes, how much chocolate we should add to something.
Chocolate, a lot.
Yeah, who's more and who's less chocolate, you or Adam?
I would say I'm probably more chocolate and he's probably less chocolate.
Can I say something?
I'm going to jump in here and I know that's unusual for me to talk a lot on these things, but I'd say, if you're using beets, go very heavy on the chocolate.
Anything you can to kill the beet and force the beet into a silence.
That beet chocolate combo, you would be surprised.
No, no.
It's terrible.
It's incredible.
So banana, how do you feel about a banana?
Is that too much sugar?
Love bananas.
Not too much sugar at all.
It's an evolutionary sugar.
It's the kind of sugar you want.
So yeah, all types of bananas.
Hey, if it comes from a tree or a plant, it's got to be good for us.
That's right.
Wait a minute.
Some poisons come from trees and plants.
That was a stupid thing I just said.
No, I think food-wise...
No, I should have qualified.
Unless they're poisonous berries.
With the exception of certain poison berries.
I'm just trying to be safe and make sure that no kids out there get hurt.
I love bananas.
A lot of kids listen to this podcast and then do immediately what I said.
That's true.
A lot of young children.
Beethoven's favorite fruit.
Bananas?
What's that?
Ba-na-na-na.
Ba-na-na-na.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
John, not only do I apologize, but I give you permission to sue us.
Okay.
Oh, great.
And I will not contest the suit.
Do you know what Dr. Dre's favorite movie is?
What's that?
Beats.
Beats by Dr. Dre.
John, you can't do the banana joke and then get on me for that.
Beats were not good.
Huh?
It wasn't that good.
John, is there any way that I can cut, I can just talk to John myself and these two...
I would love that.
You know what I wish?
I wish that this was.
There was a section, there was a button where I could push, and you two were ejected into space.
This whole side of the room was ejected into space.
You need Eduardo and you need Adam.
Oh, really?
I need Eduardo?
Oh, wow.
Where were you in 93, Eduardo?
I don't remember you spinning the dials back there when I was killing it in late night.
I, uh...
I think you are right.
Hold on.
I'm not crashing.
No, this is me being thoughtful.
Sometimes I take pauses to create the illusion that I'm thoughtful.
I see.
John, there is a juice movement in this country and it sounds like you have ridden this wave perfectly.
People love their juices.
Now, what kind of equipment do you use?
What kind of blender do you use?
And some might say, do you use a juicer?
What's that big juicer everybody uses?
Cuisinart?
Breville.
Oh, okay.
Breville has that one juicer.
Are you getting money from Breville?
What are you getting money from?
No, but I'd like them to send me a juicer.
Don't do that.
We're not going to be.
No, me too if we're doing this.
Breville, Breville, Breville.
Breville, Breville.
Send this stuff.
Breville, Breville.
The Nutribullet.
Oh, Nutribullet.
I use a Nutribullet.
I take that too.
And again, I am not, we do not, no, I refuse any compensation.
That's bad.
We should not do that.
And if any of that stuff comes to us, I'm going to have it destroyed, except for Fruity Pebbles, which I will eat immediately.
What's your blender of choice?
Absolutely, yeah.
So blenders, we're just using classic Vitamixes.
To make our juice, we're using two different machines.
We're using a huge cold press machine, which is essentially just like a hydraulic pincher.
It just squeezes fruits and vegetables together.
For like softer fruits and vegetables, we use a machine called the auger masticating.
What?
An auger, say it again, auger masticating.
Yeah.
So in our case, we're using a dual auger masticating juicer.
Oh my God, that's like a torture device.
You have them talk and then they unveil it.
This is the dual auger masticating process.
I'll tell you, I'll tell you whatever you want to know.
Sorry, that was a little flat of fancy of mine.
Continue, please.
But yeah, so for our for our volume, we are using we're using huge cold press machines.
Yeah.
And it's really just pinching.
It's really just a pinch machine.
You wouldn't want to get like hands caught in there.
No, I wouldn't want to get.
Can I just say one thing?
It would result in my death, but it might be kind of erotic to fall into a pinching machine.
What?
Well, your body's being pinched and you're like, ooh.
And then you realize, oh, it's over for me.
I'm being turned into a Jew.
But then there's like a glass below that there's just all this Conan juice that comes out.
Hey, I'm telling you something.
You can do a lot worse than Conan juice right now.
I don't know.
That's true.
I feel like some people would be willing to give it a try.
Has anyone ever fallen into a juicer and been killed?
And if they had, would you sell that juice?
That's a good question.
No, it's not.
It's not a good question, John.
It's a stupid question.
You're insane if you think that's a good question.
Has anyone fallen into the juicer and then been turned into a juice, and then have you sold that juice?
That was my question.
You would need to fall very thin because you have a very small amount of area to get in.
But I'm willing to give it a shot, I'd say.
Yeah.
I'm going to say, John, let me ask you a question.
Let's say I did...
I had an accident and I fell.
I was visiting you in Reno because I was there to gamble and lost big, got depressed and jumped into your juicer to end it all.
The juice that resulted would be pure Conan juice.
Wouldn't you be tempted to sell that for a lot of money?
Because just think about it.
The essence of Conan O'Brien in a juice.
I think that would be worth blood and guts.
No, but that'd be the essence of my whatever it is.
It makes me me the genius.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
That sounds gross.
That's what I was going to close up your shop completely forever.
Yeah, what I was going to ask is if we, let's say, we bottle and sell it in 16 ounce increments, like how much would we charge for Conan?
How many 16 ounce lots can you get out of a big man?
Yeah, six foot four, 191 pound male.
Boy, you get a lot of people coming back saying, there's a red hair in my juice.
I'm sorry.
Come on.
I bet we get 50 to 60 bottles out of you.
That's what it is.
We probably sell them for, what, $8 to $10 each or something like that.
$8 to $10?
I am a seminal figure.
No, it's like tequila, but instead of a worm there's a red hair, and you've got to drink the red hair.
It's carrot juice with red hair.
There's a red hair and a little eye vein.
To $10.
Hey, John, this has been...
Terrible conversation.
I mean, from beginning to end, just insanity.
But I've enjoyed it.
I really have.
And I'm wondering if you have a question for me.
How can I help you?
I do, Conan.
So we share something, which is that we both have webbed feet.
Well, excuse me.
I will not be... Let's be specific.
On one foot, I have two toes that are joined by some webbing.
So they're webbed.
Me too.
I feel like that's called webbed feet.
Yeah, that's what I have.
No, what I'm saying is it's not like I have these two duck feet.
There's two toes joined by one web.
Is that... Yeah.
Does that mean I'm just in the webbed foot category?
I have a family member with a similar thing and...
That's what we in the industry call it.
That's a webbed foot.
You're in the webbed foot industry?
Yeah.
That's what our club calls it anyway.
Okay, so yes, I am part of that club.
Just be proud of it.
Yeah.
It's a cool thing.
You can swim better.
Yeah.
Except it's just one foot, so I swim in circles.
One foot's much more powerful than the other.
Like a bathtub.
It looks like I'm circling the drain whenever I go swimming.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Go ahead, John.
So you have webbed feet, as do I.
I do, and I don't know if this would be of interest to you guys, and I also don't know if I'm flexible enough to show you, but I actually got the sort of famous webbed foot tattoo a couple years ago.
What's the famous?
I don't know what that is.
Let's see.
Can I show you?
Is that okay?
I insist.
I did not take care of my feet before this, so forgive whatever that was.
Please, that's okay.
That's all right.
We can clean this up in editing.
Oh, look at that.
That's really funny.
Oh, you're real webbed.
That is so cool.
So for the listener, he's got a little icon of scissors with a dotted line like cut here.
That's so cool.
You should do that too.
Now, have you ever been tempted to get the webbing cut?
I would think it'd be a very simple procedure and then your toes are separated.
So I heard this, I don't, I'm not a doctor.
I make smoothies for a living.
Are you sure you're not a doctor?
But I heard that you can't anymore.
Once you reach the age of like post being a baby, whatever the scientific term for that is they can't cut them anymore because your nerves are like, too ingrained in there, and then you'll bleed to death.
What?
I don't know who you're talking to, but I'm sure there's some way to stop the bleeding by sewing it up.
But why mess with what God has done is what I say, and I say that knowing that a year from now I'm going to have radical facial surgery so I can stay in show business.
But I had a webbed foot question for you, which is that I don't know if you promulgate, I don't know if you tell people a lot about your webbed feet, but people always ask well, clearly you knew about it, so I guess I have mentioned it.
I didn't even know that.
That's true.
You are fairly.
I think it came up in.
I forgot.
I think it came up somewhere.
Yeah Yeah, you mentioned it in a podcast and I was like, oh my God, Conan and I have something in common.
But my question for you is like, people always say, are you a fast swimmer?
And I go, oh yeah, Michael Phelps, blah, blah, blah.
But like that answer is always a little boring.
So I was hoping you could help me come up with some better answers to what to respond with people ask like are you a fast swimmer?
What's it, you know, even what's it like?
What are some good excuses I could make?
I mean, the only thing that comes to my mind is fuck you.
I was born this way and it's not funny.
You know, and then really act offended and hurt and walk out of the room and act like you've been and then come back in the room and then walk out again.
That's one way to go.
The other way to go is with my quick, is it on both feet or just one?
I technically have them on both.
Oh, cool.
See, that, because my joke is I just swim in circles because it's just one foot.
Right.
It's a pretty funny joke, but we already did that.
Oh, that is great.
I would just go with it.
I think it's a yes and.
So, are you a fast swimmer?
Yes, I'm incredibly fast.
And it's like there's an Evan Rood outboard motor on my ass.
I can swim at great speeds.
I would go that route, possibly.
There's all kinds of stuff.
You're like Aquaman.
You're like Aquaman.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I get to go to the Aquaman.
Maybe I could get like a bronze Olympic medal and say I like place not first, but something.
Yeah, I get a bronze.
And actually, you can say there's one after bronze, which is a dense wood or a balsa.
Then there's one after that.
There's a mahogany.
And then after that there's a balsa um, but yeah, i would just go with it, i would always go with the riff.
I say so yes, say i'm an incredible swimmer and uh, and then always allude to this sexual prowess and uh, people don't have to know what it means, but kind of you know you, and you know what they say about guys with webbed feet.
Yeah, and do the old groucho at the eyebrows that they have a webbed dick.
It's yeah.
Webbed balls yeah, it's What's going on here.
I was trying to keep it in the mysterious land.
And John, you went totally into the gutter with the help of Matt Gourley.
John, I'm proud of you.
I'm proud that you, as a young man, you left college, you started out a business, made the mistake of joining up with your brother.
I would never do that.
But I'm proud of you.
I'm proud of you and what you've done.
And someday maybe I'll get to Reno and try your juice.
What's the name of your store?
It's called juice.
J U S. Yeah.
You, uh, you won't have a hard time finding us.
Yeah.
Something like that.
Yeah.
You can call it whatever you want.
But J U S is how do they juice with an umlaut?
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Sorry.
It's J U S with the German umlaut.
So it's juice.
Okay.
All right.
Yeah.
Cause I would just think that's just, yeah.
Um, and, uh, all right, well, I'll check it out someday, but Hey, no beets and no celery.
Okay.
Well, that's too bad.
That's mostly what we serve.
Well, that's a terrible commercial for your business.
Lots of chocolate.
Yeah, I just basically want a milkshake.
Chocolate covered beets.
Hey, John, best of luck to you.
And thanks so much for calling in.
Yeah, what an absolute pleasure.
Thank you so much, you guys.
I really appreciate it.
What a nice guy.
Take care, man.
Did I do okay?
Was this good?
You did great.
This was fantastic.
This was great.
Oh, great.
We've never had people laugh.
No one seems to care how they did except you.
That's nice.
And you did great.
I like that you cared.
That's very nice.
Well, would you be honest with me if I did terribly?
No.
We'd act just like we're acting now.
But guess what?
It was a really fun conversation and you seem like a nice guy and I wish you'd take my advice about getting rid of beets and celery and that fucking juice.
I'll send a group chat to my brother about it.
No, I hate that guy.
All right, man.
Take care.
Great job.
Bye, John.
Yeah, thank you guys so much.
Really appreciate it.
Conan O'Brien needs a fan.
With Conan O'Brien, Sona Movsesian, and Matt Gorley.
Produced by me, Matt Gorley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao.
Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy.
Take it away, Jimmy.
Supervising producer Aaron Blair.
Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples.
Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Byrne.
Engineering by Eduardo Perez.
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