Hello there, this is Fiona, from IELTS with Fiona, and we're on day five of our September IELTS challenge today.
I recommend today that you do writing task two.
You did task one a couple of days ago, so you had a bit of a chance for a break, maybe on Sunday.
Today's Monday, and I feel refreshed and ready to tackle what I think is the most difficult part of the IELTS test, which is writing task two.
And not only is it the most difficult part of the test, but also it's the part where teachers and tutors and trainers often really disagree about how you should write a band nine test.
How you should write an IELTS essay.
I'm looking at my blog and it's called How to Write a Band 9 IELTS Essay and How Not to.
That's on my website.
I'll put the link in the notes.
I chose this essay today because I actually got a comment on it, and it was a really useful one from Lynn.
Please do send me your questions.
Don't be shy.
I never mind or care if you think you're telling me that I'm wrong.
I don't mind, because I'm confident that I've got enough evidence to support my reasons why I think this is the best way to write an IELTS essay.
It's not just from the fact that I've been an examiner and I've been through many, many years of standardisation and being observed as an examiner and getting feedback on my examining.
It's not just my connection with the IELTS world.
It's also that I teach academic writing skills, and academic writing skills are skills of how to write well, how to write academic essays.
So whether you're writing an IELTS essay or a different kind of formal essay, it doesn't matter that the skills are the same throughout.
They are the general good writing skills that you will learn and need for university.
And that's why I think so much of the online advice is bad.
And I'm going to show you that today.
So let's go back to the start.
The question I had was about introductions.
Now, we can't focus on everything at the same time.
So let's just focus on introductions today.
The question was, let me find it on my blog.
So the blog.
If you just put Band 9 Essay on my website IELTSETCcom, in the search bar, you'll get, I think, about two or three examples of Band 9 Essay.
And I go through each essay and I say why they are band nine.
And I also look at essays which are online, which are not band nine.
And there are hundreds of these, millions, as you know, I'm sure.
The question was from Lynn and she said, she said this.
She said, thank you for providing the sample to this essay.
However, I am a bit confused as to why this is a band nine.
I read in your other blog post that we should avoid the three part template essay option in the introduction.
OK.
Yeah.
So then she puts a link, how to write an introduction.
Right.
Now, in that how to write an introduction, I said avoid the things that I see people doing online.
Now, I call that a template option.
Template, template, pronunciation.
It's this awful thing that I see people teach, which is that you should just paraphrase the question and say I will give my opinion.
Or, you know, that kind of template is really bad.
I'm going to show you examples and explain a little bit more.
So I talk a lot about this.
Don't paraphrase the question.
Don't.
It's not a good idea.
Nobody can paraphrase well.
Even I can't.
I don't mean even I can't, but lots of my high level students at university can't paraphrase.
It's a really difficult skill to do well.
So how can you expect to just be able to rewrite the question in a sophisticated way?
That's one reason.
I don't like it.
And then the other reason is why does the examiner need to see the question again?
The examiner knows what the question is.
Seriously, this makes me really angry when I see people telling you to do this.
And honestly, examiners, when they see that kind of introduction, they kind of flinch or twitch.
They just go, oh, no, please, no.
It gives a really bad impression.
So maybe, Lynn, I'm not explaining it well.
Maybe I'm not explaining it very clearly.
So I'm going to try and put that right for you today.
So I do recommend a three part introduction, but not the three part template introductions that I see.
If you look on the website, you'll see I've asked Lynn a question.
I've asked Lynn to compare the Band 9 model that I've given with the template introduction that I advise against.
Okay, let me show you both and see if you can see what's wrong.
This is the question, okay?
The question is Some people believe charities should help people, no matter where they are in the world.
Others so the other side of the question feel charities should only serve the people in the country where they are based.
Discuss both sides and give your own view.
So it's an OK question.
It's just agree or disagree, give your opinion.
Okay.
Now, the template option that I don't like.
Here it is.
Charity is a controversial topic.
Right.
Now, why is that a template option?
Well, they've just put any word.
Any word is a controversial topic.
So, immediately, no.
Then they've tried to paraphrase the question and they're using bad paraphrasing.
Many individuals wrong word.
Many individuals express their opinion.
Express their opinion wrong word.
That charitable groups OK, should help underprivileged people OK, beyond national boundaries.
Whereas others put forward the view.
So what they did there was that they just paraphrased the question.
Whereas others put forward the view that they ought to help only those who live in their base country.
You've just told me exactly what the question was.
You haven't given any of your own thoughts here.
Finally, this essay will discuss both points of view.
Now, that's the template option, OK?
Background, charity is controversial.
Paraphrase the question, say exactly the same thing and then say this essay will discuss both points of view.
So no opinion.
Now, this is the one that I offered as a band nine.
And just be careful.
You know, when we say band nine, it applies to the whole essay, not just the introduction.
So, yes, there may be something in the introduction that isn't quite what you would like.
OK, but the rest of the essay is.
So it's band nine.
So this is the band nine option.
The distribution of charity is often a matter of controversy.
OK, I agree.
That could be considered template.
However, the template one said charity is a controversial topic.
Well, OK.
No, it's not really, but the distribution of charity is.
So it's a bit more specific and being more specific is linked to at least Band 7.
So it's really addressed the question, how do we distribute charity in that first line?
And it is genuinely a matter of controversy.
Should you give it to desperate people or should you keep it for your own country?
All right.
Then band nine.
Many argue in favour of cutting overseas aid budgets.
Now, that's completely different from what we did before.
It's not saying many argue in favour of giving money to those who need.
That's the question.
No, this one is saying something more specific.
Many argue in favour of cutting overseas aid budgets, claiming that the money is required to cover expenditure at home.
So this writer has done so much more than just paraphrase the question.
They've kind of summarised the argument there.
The main argue in favour of not sending money abroad is that we need the money to cover problems at home.
That's gone really beyond the question.
However, opponents of such a policy think it is immoral to deprive poor and needy people of necessary financial support.
So it's introduced another very precise argument.
Why do people disagree?
Because they think it is immoral to keep charity for yourself, your own country.
So, again, it's gone beyond the question.
And the third part.
This essay will consider both opinions.
Okay, that could be template and conclude that charity should be shared among all deserving causes.
It's given their opinion very precisely, very specifically, and it has answered the question already.
It hasn't said, I will discuss both points of view and conclude at the end.
It's completely different from what I consider to be a template introduction.
And I think on this page, as I scroll through, I think there is one that I didn't like for some reason.
Here it is.
Listen to this.
So this is problem one of why it's difficult to get or why this person isn't getting band nine.
Listen to this.
Many personages express their opinion that charitable groups should help underprivileged people beyond national boundaries, Whereas others put forward the view Sorry, I've just read this.
Okay, it changed slightly.
But things like many personages or many individuals.
And that one about opine.
Opine is just a crazy word.
Don't use it.
People put it instead of think.
It's not a good word to use.
I have never ever in 30 years... of reading academic journals, seeing anybody use the word opine.
I know it exists.
Do not use it.
It sounds ridiculous.
So I hope Lynn, that that answered your question about why I absolutely can't bear people trying to paraphrase the question with really bad synonyms And then actually not saying anything at all.
It's a six.
OK, it might be OK.
It's safe for a six.
But if you want anything above six, then it's not good enough.
OK, so what else?
What else?
If you look there are actually there are 10 things on this blog.
I'm not sure am i going to talk about all of them today, or shall i just ask you to go and read them?
Um yeah, okay.
So the original said for a start and that's really informal and a bad linking word uh, the original said Okay and yeah, so I'll go through each of them.
So, problem two is that there's an unclear use of fact versus opinion.
So the original said for a start, charitable organisations should extend their activities to any nation and people in need.
Well, That's not a topic sentence.
That's an opinion.
Try to start your topic sentences with there are many reasons why charitable organisations should extend.
Say there are many reasons.
Don't put it as your opinion.
Remember, you're giving the balanced argument here.
There are many reasons why they should help other nations.
First of all, and not for a start, Firstly, or first of all, it could help build better relations.
It could.
It's a modal verb.
It's possible.
Not it will.
Problem three, too many generalisations.
So the original said it will help build harmonious relations, thereby removing obstacles in the way of world peace.
So just by giving to charity, you will remove obstacles to world peace.
I find that very general and unsupported.
So try to focus on specific outcomes, maybe outcomes.
The aid will go to where it is most needed.
Those in urgent need can be better targeted.
More people could be helped.
These are more specific and less generalised, less idealistic.
Problem four is that there's no evidence for claims.
So this original said Domestic charities eradicate poverty, which will in turn drop the crime rate in the neighbourhood.
Well, that's not true.
Domestic charities don't eradicate poverty and this doesn't stop crime rates.
So better to say something like evidence has shown that investing in deprived communities is can, not will can modal verb significantly improve their quality of life.
It won't solve everything, but it can improve their quality of life, which might have an impact on crime rates might.
Modal verb.
You can't eradicate or drop the crime rate by giving money to charity.
It it's too, you need evidence for your claims.
Problem five in this example was the linking was very mechanical, just using moreover, what is more, furthermore, besides.
And so we know it's much better to use internal links to add variety, and there's a link you can look at there.
Problem six with The example I'm examining is that they use a lot of idioms.
Like you know, politicians
What did it say?
Line your pocket, spread your wings.
Again, try to avoid those idioms, so that the funds do not get wasted or find their way into the pockets of corrupt politicians, possibly.
Actually I'm not going to go through all of these now, but if you go and have a look at that model answer, then you'll see examples of peel paragraphs.
And this is really important, a really important thing to practice.
So, for example.
Let's have a look at paragraph three, it says.
On the other hand, there is a strong argument in favour of sending funds to other countries.
So that's the topic sentence.
There will always be countries whose needs are far greater than our own.
That's the point, that these countries need it more than we do.
Then the E for example.
For instance, countries who are at war or those suffering from natural calamities such as earthquakes or tsunamis.
That's the extension.
And the so what?
Sentence.
The link back to the question provided that all aid is carefully managed to ensure it reaches the people who need it.
The long term benefits of supporting poorer countries will be felt across the world.
So it, there's a so what?
Sentence which links it back to why we should actually share the money out more fairly.
So.
Go and have a look at that.
There is a summary.
Actually, there are 12 points about why this is a band nine model essay.
But if you've got anything that you think no, it's not, then please please, do just comment on that post.
I really try to answer.
Well, I do answer everybody's.
It's just recently I noticed that my website, because of the data protection thing, it actually wasn't showing my responses, which is crazy.
I think for the last five years I've been answering people and I didn't realize that they can't actually see my answers.
So I'm trying to fix that now.
So if you leave a comment, I promise I will reply.
Thanks for listening.
I hope your writing task two goes well today.
Tomorrow we'll be looking at speaking.
Bye for now.
This is Fiona from IELTSETC.com.
And if you enjoyed this please please, leave me a nice review and five stars, because I don't have many and it makes me sad.
Thank you.
Bye bye.
