The Dictatorship of 'Should': Reclaiming Your Inner Narrative

In this episode of Radio Headspace, host Dora explores a universal human struggle: the overwhelming pressure of the word "should." Through a relatable anecdote about an existential crisis in a grocery store aisle, Dora exposes how our internal dialogue often functions as a "tiny dictator," forcing us to conform to expectations that aren't even our own.

The Grocery Store Epiphany

While holding a pack of frozen plant-based chicken nuggets, Dora found herself spiraling into a cycle of self-judgment. She felt she "should" be meal prepping like an influencer, buying organic, and generally being a "better adult." This moment of realization—which she describes as "shitting myself into a pretzel of shame"—led to a profound discovery: the word "should" is an incredibly heavy, judgmental weight that obscures our true desires.

Identifying the Source of 'Shoulds'

One of the most critical points Dora makes is that most of our "shoulds" are actually "hand-me-downs." They originate from:

• Society and cultural norms.
• Social media portrayals of perfection.
• The perceived expectations of friends and family.

These inherited expectations create a cognitive dissonance where we struggle to differentiate between what we genuinely want and what we feel obligated to want. Dora notes that she used to be the "queen of should," pressuring herself to be a specific type of person—someone who wakes up at 5 am, maintains a spotless apartment, and loves networking events.

The Turning Point: 'Says Who?'

A pivotal moment occurred when a friend challenged Dora’s belief that she needed to be more outgoing. By asking, "Dora, who told you that you should be more like me?" her friend helped her realize she had been "shitting myself out of my own personality." This sparked the creation of a "should surveillance" practice.

To break the cycle, Dora suggests asking the question: "Says who?" whenever the word "should" arises. This practice helps you identify whether a standard is a "sacred truth" or merely a thought that is "taking up mental real estate."

The 'Should Audit': A Practical Experiment

Dora invites listeners to perform a "should audit" this week. This involves three key steps:

1. Pause and Question: Whenever you catch yourself saying "I should," pause and ask, "According to whom?"
2. Shift the Language: Replace "I should" with "I could." As Dora points out, "I could work out today" feels like a possibility, whereas "I should work out today" feels like a punishment.
3. Conscious Selection: Recognize that you have the agency to keep the "shoulds" that align with your values—such as treating people with kindness—while lovingly releasing those that are simply societal noise.

Conclusion: Being Your Authentic Self

The goal of this practice is not to abandon all standards, but to ensure that your standards come from your own heart rather than from "a collection of inherited expectations."

Ultimately, the "shoulds" may remain persistent, but they no longer need to run the show. By learning to smile at them and doing what feels right for you, you can move through the world with more ease. As Dora concludes, "The only person you really should be is yourself," and that is a version of life worth embracing, frozen chicken nuggets and all.