This is an all-year English podcast episode 2236.
Lighten up how to de-escalate in English.
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Hello, Michelle. How are you feeling today?
How's it going? Good. Yeah, I'm good over here.
But Lindsay, I have a question.
What was the last time that you felt like you needed to lighten up?
Often, actually, I get very intense about things.
I get very passionate either in one direction or the other, I get very intense and sometimes anxious.
So often, I need to lighten up.
Yeah. How about you, Michelle?
I would say the same for me, maybe less recently, surprisingly than I used to be.
I've been trying to go with the flow a little bit more, just embrace the chaos.
But definitely, for sure, I have to lighten up sometimes.
But today, we're going to talk about expressions that you can use like lighten up.
And this deals with intensity.
Lindsay, I think you were using that word intense.
Why did you use that word?
Intensity because that's what it is.
So if someone is light in their heart or in their mind, they're kind of the opposite of intense.
But usually this term is more negative intense situations, right?
Wouldn't you say rather than positive intense situations?
Yes. I would say it just, someone's being a little bit too intense or just too strict, too rigid in their ways, maybe.
That could be true too. Yeah.
So too strict, too rigid, or if they're just upset, like visibly upset or anxious, right?
So I want to be clear, if you use these when someone's angry, these are sure, prior ways to make things worse.
Okay. Because if somebody is very upset and very angry and you say lighten up, it's not, it's used.
People use it all the time.
But you should just know that it carries a lot with it that might not get the reaction that you want.
What do you think? People could be offended by that.
They could, they say, oh, you're not seeing me, you're not understanding why I'm upset that sort of thing.
Yes. So this is of, today, you know, this is a very common natural native phrase, Michelle, but there are definitely times to use it and not use it.
Exactly. Exactly. So we're going to talk about ways that you can use it so that you know how to sprinkle it into your conversations.
Before we get into that, we want to head you over to episode 2,223.
That was, are you thinking this is tricky English grammar?
So go ahead and listen to that one.
But Lindsay, we got an amazing review that we're excited to share.
And we love our reviews, Michelle.
We just, nothing makes us happier than reading a great review from a listener.
So I want to do a special shout out to Kazoo from Japan.
And they said, this is what I wanted.
I'm listening to allers English every day.
I had been trying to find good English learning material and I finally found it.
Oh my gosh, Michelle. That's very nice.
It's so nice. Guys, if you haven't left your review for allers English, go over and review the show, whether it's in the iOS Android app or whether it's in Spotify or Apple or CastBox or wherever you listen, tell us what you think about the show.
And we'll try to read your name out loud right here on the show.
Yes, thank you so much for that review.
Can't wait to see you more.
Yes, all right, Michelle.
Let's get back to our phrase for today.
Lighten up. Lighten up.
Where should we start today?
OK, well, in my opinion, the key is adding try to before saying lighten up.
Because this takes it back a little bit.
It makes it a little less direct and like an order.
But it also shows that you understand where the person is coming from.
So Lindsay, if you are upset and someone says to lighten up, what does that mean?
What does that mean to you?
So it means they're asking you to kind of not feel your actual emotions, right?
It kind of, it's dismissive.
Yeah, because it's, you know, don't feel that way.
Don't do this. No one should tell us how to feel, right?
That's true. Is that a lot with kids?
That just makes me think of how they tell you to talk to kids.
You know, a lot of times parents, we just want to say, oh, you're OK.
Don't be upset or, um, oh, oh, get, you know, just like get over it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't get it over it.
But what I, and on all my parenting Instagram research, or I'm always seeing it, you know, kids want to be acknowledged too.
Kids want their feelings to be heard and not just dismissed like a little kid.
So I always, I try to remember that.
Yeah. Yeah. And humans are, you know, it's a human thing.
It's not just a kid thing.
We all want to have the right to feel our own emotions and to, and to be heard by other people.
So when you're saying, oh, lighten up or just lighten up, come on.
They're totally dismissing you.
Right. Yeah. That's true.
That's true. So it basically means it could be maybe, maybe be less ins excitable, less intense.
So maybe the person is angry about something.
And like Lindsay said, maybe, maybe you don't think they should be angry about it.
So, but let's talk about how you can use it because we're talking about a lot of negativity here.
So one way you could use it is with a close friend.
So maybe they're venting about something and you say it in a general way.
So you could say like, try to lighten up a little.
Let's do a little role play.
Okay. Here we go. I just don't think they should be leaving that late.
They will miss their flight.
Well, Lindsay, try to lighten up a little.
They should be fine leaving at that time.
And if they aren't, hey, that's their problem.
Yeah. It's still a little like, I don't know.
It's this phrase, you know, my dad used to say this a lot and it actually didn't bother me as much as a kid.
I don't know for what reason coming from him.
He's like, come on, lighten up.
It's okay. In a very jovial way.
But it still feels coming from, maybe coming from a friend or obviously a coerke or not good.
But it's a little different.
I don't know why. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, it also makes me think of maybe a party in high school or college and somebody is doing something they shouldn't be doing in one part, right?
And one person is not as uncomfortable and the person doing that thing was like, lighten up.
Right. Like you're too stiff.
Yeah. And you know, it's a very stereotypical scene in every teenage high school movie.
There's a party and the parents go away.
And yes, 100%. Yeah. Exactly.
Exactly. So let's talk about, you know, it's also with the word relax.
So this is another one that reminds me of lighten up and relax is a similar idea.
A teen may say this to a parent, oh, relax mom, right?
Yeah. But we could say it like this.
Let's do a little role play with relax.
So here we go. Okay. Why did she do that?
I'm so annoyed. Try to relax, Michelle.
I don't think it was on purpose.
How did that feel to you?
Well, I think the adding the relac the adding try to is a little bit better.
But I do. I think these are important to know, but you just have to be really careful with them.
Maybe if someone's not in such a heightened state of emotion, and maybe you're talking about something, you're just maybe fending a little bit, but more casually, not maybe in the heat of the moment.
What does that mean? In the heat of the moment, the heat of the moment intensity, it means intensity, right?
When you get bad news or you find something out or something happens in that moment, when you feel the emotion initially, yeah, it's like when everything is the most intense.
So, yes, if you use it then, I think it's a good way to get somebody upset.
If you're using it just in more of a natural relaxed way, just in a conversation, maybe that person is reflecting on something or not quite in that moment, feeling it.
I think that might be the best, safest way to use it.
What do you think, Lindsay?
100%. You're using later after maybe you're processing, maybe something happened and you're processing the thing with your friend, and that would be maybe a better time, rather than in the moment, if they get bad news about something, right?
That's when you want to avoid that totally.
Yes, exactly. Or the next thing is sometimes people might say is calm down.
So that is the worst one.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is right. People hate this, right?
And calm. And calm. Because when you are in that heightened state of emotion, when you are not feeling calm and somebody says to you calm down, it's very triggering, I think.
I feel like I think my brother probably would say this to me when I would get upset about stuff.
That's funny. That's hilarious.
Okay. So, yeah, it can be a little condescending.
Same vibe, right? Condescending, a little tone deaf.
Let's do a roleplay for this one, Michelle.
Okay. Here we go. This is ridiculous.
I know, Lindsay. I know, but try to calm down and take a few deep breaths.
Okay. You're right. It's not worth getting so upset.
So I could still be annoyed that you said that, but be responding in this way, right?
Right. Okay. You're right.
Right. Right. Sometimes it's necessary.
And I think that it was a little bit better here because I said, I know, Lindsay.
I know. I'm acknowledging it first.
Right. I'm not just saying, oh, calm down or your feelings don't matter.
I'm saying, that's true.
Yes, this is true. We're here, but let's just not get so excited about it.
Maybe it's just not worth us getting all upset.
So that's a little different feeling in my opinion.
Oh, that's a great skill.
Maybe this could be a whole other episode is those initial words to say when someone is kind of outraged or enraged.
Right. What are those? I know.
Isn't it incredible? Isn't it crazy?
All these supportive phrases where you raise your voice a little bit in the same intensity almost and support them in that way.
That could be a cool episode.
That's a good idea. Not a bad idea.
Yeah. I remember to hit follow so you got that episode when it comes out.
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We are back. So next phrase that we hear sometimes that we don't necessarily love is pick it easy.
Take it easy. Song by the Eagles, I think, which I like.
Oh yeah. Right. So this is also take it easy.
It's the same same idea as calm down.
But of course take it easy.
Could just be, oh, sit down, take it easy, relax.
So there's in the heightened sense and then there's just in the, oh, come, come sit down, take it easy, kick back.
So it could be used. And same thing for relax actually.
Oh, relax. Like sit on the couch.
Make yourself at home. Right.
Exactly. Yeah. And check out that song by the Eagles.
You can learn through the lyrics.
I think I used to use that song in my ESL classes in New York or it's show.
Oh yeah. Oh, yeah. Because the lyrics are very clear.
And you can print them out and just kind of gals sing along and get some good phrases there.
So yes. Yeah. So sometimes though, when somebody is starting to get upset, you might say, now take it easy.
Right. Now take it easy.
Now take it easy. Right.
So let's do a role play there.
Okay. All right. Go for it, Michelle.
All right. This isn't fair.
I told her to get everything done by Tuesday.
It's true. But just try to take it easy.
It's all going to get figured out.
All right. So I'm supporting you.
So yeah. So I like how the initial response on my part is it's true or you're right.
Well, I'm validating what you're saying.
But then I say, but just try to take it easy.
You know, it's all going to get figured out, right?
Yes. It's very different when you add one of those kinds of statements before, you know, to say, I'm with you.
I understand I don't think you're ridiculous.
I don't think you're I'm not trying to dismiss you, but I'm just trying to remove you from the situation because I care about your mental well-being basically.
Yeah. Yeah. 100%. Like we said, so things like I know you're right.
Showing that empathy is really key.
Yeah. Yeah, temperament is a really interesting topic, right?
Temperament like between siblings, like I bet your kids are quite different in terms of temperament.
Are they different, Michelle?
I know I'm very different from my brother.
Yeah. I am. I'm not bringing my or my kids.
It's too it's too soon to tell what the little one, but I think she's definitely.
I think she learns a lot from her brother, but yeah, it's about their they're good.
But yeah, definitely temperament.
My brother is a lot more relaxed than I am.
So right, right. It's me to like it's so weird how the same situation could be happening to both people and opposite responses.
One person could be totally chill.
The other person could be really anxious.
And sometimes I just wonder where does that come from?
Yeah. Yeah. It is incredible.
So yeah, that could be a different topic for a different day.
But so guys reflect on your own temperament, your own kind of how you react to the world and just compare it to other people around you.
Super interesting. But should we dive into a role play?
Shall we do it? That's dive.
Yes. All right. So here I am.
I'm very upset with my friend.
It's not you, but I'm complaining to you because my friend forgot to buy decorations for my party.
Okay. So here we go. Disaster.
There we go. It's just she always does this.
She's so irresponsible.
Oh, I know, I know, Michelle, but just try to relax.
I'm just so annoyed. Just try to take it easy.
Let's get some water. This is ridiculous.
Okay. Let's just lighten up a bit.
It's not that bad. I can help.
Ah. Michelle, try to calm down.
Okay. Fine. Let's take a break.
Oh, you really upset. Yeah.
Wow. Yeah. Must have been a big birthday or something.
Yeah. A big party. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Good. So we used all the phrases pretty much for today.
So I said, I know it. So again, there's that validating, you know, what you're saying that you're upset.
And I can say you're very upset.
I know. I know. But just try to relax.
Yeah. Yeah. And then I said, I'm so annoyed and you said, just try to take it easy.
So again, notice we're using this.
Just try to. Just try to.
Yeah. And then you said, let's get some water.
So you're trying to help.
You're not just, you're not just saying, and I'm dismissing you.
You're more really trying to genuinely help.
Yeah. It's 100%. And then you said again, you kept going at it.
You said, this is ridiculous.
And you don't have a voice I could tell that you were very much up here, right?
Yeah. And then I said, okay, okay.
Let's just lighten up a bit.
Right. So you can see in my tone of voice, I'm really like, oh my gosh, we need to calm her down.
Like this girl is losing it.
Okay. And then you said, Michelle, try to calm down.
So now it seems like maybe you're starting to have to get a little bit more direct because you're just realizing I'm spiraling.
Right. Exactly. Exactly.
Try to calm down. So I've used a lot of phrases here to kind of bring you down.
Michelle, what do you do when you get upset like that?
Is it talking to someone that knows the right things to say or is it exercising or is it, I don't know, what do you do when you like to bring yourself down if you're upset about something?
Honestly, I think time is the best thing.
I mean, if I, do you ever, if you get, if you get irritated or just, somebody does something you don't like, it takes a little while before you can talk to that person again without, yeah, without feeling that weight on you.
I think it's just sometimes time.
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