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Hello, welcome to or welcome back to Try Not to Care.
If you're new here, my name is Ashley.
I'm so happy to have you and you have stumbled upon the last episode of the year.
I know everyone says this, but it is so insane to me how fast this year went.
I feel like it was just January.
But also at the same time, I feel like this was the longest year of my life.
Like February feels so long ago and like who I was in January, February, March.
I just feel so disconnected from if that makes any sense.
I feel like I've grown so much and changed so much.
And you know, I'm not gonna lie, I'm kind of excited for 2024 to be over.
But it is about to be a new year.
I love new beginnings and I'm just so excited for 2025.
In last week's episode, I talked about some things that I learned in 2024.
And I wanted to do kind of a part two to that kind of the same kind of different of like what I'll be committed to in 2025 based off what I learned in 2024.
Obviously there's so much that I learned this year.
And I only talked about a few in last week's episode because if I had gone through everything I learned, it would have been like four hours long.
And that's kind of the same thing for today's episode.
There's so many things that I really want to focus on and prioritize in 2025.
But this is just a few things that I really want to keep in mind throughout the year.
So these are the things that are like in the front of my brain that really have my attention.
And I just want to talk about but before we get into today's episode, make sure to follow me on my socials.
If you don't follow me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, they're all in the show notes.
I don't know if TikTok is getting banned, but if it is follow me on Instagram and YouTube.
Okay, let's get into the episode.
One thing that I learned in 2024 that I really want to keep in mind throughout the year is once you learn the power of your presence, you won't be just anywhere.
I am definitely a recovering people pleaser.
I definitely still have people pleasing tendencies, especially when I meet someone new or it's someone that I look up to and I just want to be accepted or I feel out of place.
And with being a people pleaser, sometimes you lower your standards and expectations and you kind of forget any boundary that's ever been important to you and it goes right out the window and you just want to please that person or those people.
You almost go into survival mode.
You think that like, if these people don't like me, if these people don't want to be my friend, I'm going to die.
Like, I'm going to die and everything's not going to be okay.
Growing up, I wanted to be accepted so badly.
I wanted to be liked so badly.
I wanted to have friends, but not only have friends.
I wanted friends who actually liked me because there were multiple times when I was younger that I felt like I had friends, but they weren't necessarily the nicest to me.
And it didn't feel like they actually liked me.
Like I was part of front groups and I got along really well with people, but they were still not the nicest to me.
Like my friends would say things behind my back like, Oh, I'm not sleeping at Ashley's house because it's dirty.
Or there was this girl that I was friends with, she would have sleepovers and she would have so many girls sleepover because she had this like huge house.
And honestly, this is probably like my villain origin story and why I get so asleep at people's houses.
But this girl would randomly choose someone to pick on at these sleepovers.
And there was one time where I woke up in the middle of the night, my sleeping bag in the living room, and I was alone because this girl had decided that she didn't like me this time.
And she had told all the other girls to move their sleeping bags upstairs into another room to leave me alone.
And in moments like that, it's just so isolating because it's like, I thought we were friends.
I thought we were cool.
I thought you liked me and you called me a friend and you want to hang out, but you don't want to treat me like your friend.
You still want to treat me as if I'm like this weirdo that you don't want to be friends with.
I just wanted to fit in so badly in rooms that I had no place being in.
Like I should have never shown up again to that girl's house after she had everyone move away from me and have me sleeping alone.
That's not how friends treat each other.
And I don't hold anything against that girl or any of the girls now because we were so young and I know that I've done things that weren't the nicest and girls can just be really mean when they're young.
But experiences like those made me feel like I had to do more and I had to make these people like me or else they were going to treat me that way.
But the thing is having no place in a room isn't always a bad thing.
If you're not fitting in a room with a group of people, it doesn't mean something's wrong with you.
Your value is not lowered by your inability to relate or get along with certain people.
If someone doesn't like you for who you are, that doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you.
Some people are just undeserving of your presence.
Not everyone should have access to you.
Someone who makes fun of you or makes people be mean to you because they don't like you is not deserving of your presence.
You shouldn't be kissing their ass and trying to make them like you when in reality, why would you want to be friends with someone who is like that?
You feel like you need to be accepted and understood by everyone.
Otherwise, you weren't as great as you want to be.
But you can't please everyone.
And if you're for everyone, you're for nothing.
If you're trying to appeal to the mean girls, the nice girls aren't going to like you because they're not going to trust you or feel safe around you.
There is power in certainty.
There is power in being certain about who you are and what you stand for and what you don't.
When people reject you and they're mean to you and they make you feel like you're undeserving, you feel powerless because you feel like there's nothing that you can do to make that person like you or understand you.
But they don't have to.
And that's where you get your power from.
You get your power from saying, I don't need your validation.
I don't need you to see my value.
And matter of fact, you don't get to be around me.
I'm here all upset because you don't want to be around me.
You know what? I don't want to be around you.
Like it's a privilege to be around me.
When you realize your value and what you bring to the table, you won't just show up to any table.
You won't just take any seat.
You will become intentional about where you go and who you spend your time with and what you give your energy to.
You won't settle for some boring ass small talk or invite that seems valuable, but is worth nothing.
You won't hang around people who have nothing in common with you and you won't worry about what things look like.
You won't be like, oh, I want to hang out with this friend group because they're popular.
That won't matter to you.
If those friendships aren't valuable to you, if they can't bring something to your table, I know that I am kind.
I know that I'm funny and I'm a loyal friend and I'm super empathetic and I have a lot of love to give and I'm so capable of uplifting others and supporting others.
So it's like if I'm not getting that back or at least I'm not seeing the effort from someone trying to give me that back, I don't need to settle.
I don't need to insert myself into situations and into friendships just to be there.
I don't need to be at a table just to say that I'm at the table.
I would rather sit alone at my own goddamn table and know that I'm not sacrificing anything for anyone and I'm not biting my tongue and I'm not minimizing myself and I'm not pretending to be something that I'm not.
This episode is sponsored by Nutriful.
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Now let's get back to today's episode.
I would rather be alone and be certain in who I am than try to be accepted somewhere that I have no place in being.
There's going to be people that you meet that you're not welcomed with a warm hello and you're not going to be understood and you're not going to be respected.
And that's okay. You don't have to be.
You don't have to force that out of someone.
You don't have to force someone or try to convince someone to be kind to you.
So that's something that I am definitely going to remind myself this year and keep in mind that there are so many people out there and there's going to be so many people who don't like me and aren't a fan of me and don't even try to understand me.
But that's okay because there's going to be people who get me right away and see me for who I am right away.
And I don't want to spend my time around people who don't get me or don't even try to get me when I could be around people who are meant for me and aligned with me.
Number two, originality can only arise when you are connected to yourself.
Now I am so sad that TikTok could potentially be banned.
I think it's fucked up that so many people are about to lose their jobs.
And also TikTok is just my my spot to go.
When I have a super niche question and Google and Reddit can't answer it for me and it's just where I get my short form entertainment.
I love it, but I have never been more critical of myself than I have while using TikTok.
Pre TikTok, I thought my shit didn't stink.
I thought I was the most beautiful, stunning, funniest, creative goddess to walk this earth.
Like, yes, I did have insecurities, duh, duh.
But I wasn't constantly comparing myself to other people.
And if I was, it was on a much smaller scale.
I was comparing myself to people that I actually knew that I went to high school with, people that I was acquaintances with, maybe my ex's current girlfriend.
I don't know, celebrities.
But now with TikTok, we are exposed to so many people.
I can't even give you the number of people that you probably see on a day to day basis on the TikTok app.
And you're only seeing a small glimpse of their life or like what they want to show you.
And a lot of it's curated.
So I'm looking at these people.
And although like in my head, I know like their win is not my loss, like they could be hot and I can be hot too.
I know that someone could be very successful and beautiful and kind and funny and all these things.
And so can I. But there's also like that instinct to immediately compare yourself to someone else and then having to like talk yourself down and be like, it's okay.
Like, it's okay that she's super hot.
It's okay that she's super cool.
It's not a contest.
Like, so am I. Also as a creator, it's really easy to get in your head and be like, okay, what's trending right now?
What's everyone doing right now?
What am I not doing?
What do I have to do?
And feel like you're constantly having to come up with brand new ideas, but also you have to gauge what people want and then try to follow what people are doing.
And it's just a mess.
You see something doing really well.
And it's like, okay, well, is this what people want?
Like, should I be doing that?
I should probably be doing that.
And then you see someone doing something really cool and you're like, okay, well, I'm not doing that.
I must not be doing enough.
And it's so hard to make art or create anything and have it be really great.
When you're feeling inadequate and you're not being driven by inspiration or excitement, but you're being driven by, I have to do this.
I have to do this so people will be interested in me.
I have to do this because this is what people want.
I have to do this to be successful.
When you're being driven by that, it becomes insincere and people can see right through that and they're like, this is lame.
Like, this isn't you.
Not to toot my own horn, but the greatest thing that I have created is this podcast because not only am I consistent with it, but when I created it, I wasn't doing it with the intention of trying to compete with other people.
I wasn't doing it with the intention to be like anyone else but myself.
Everything about my podcast came from like my thoughts and my experiences and what I was feeling.
And it was really easy for me to create and be myself because with it being long form content, I have learned that people who are listening are listening because they want to it's not because it just popped up on their for you page or they're like, I'm a celebrity with a cult following.
Like if you're listening to this podcast, it's because you want to listen to this podcast.
I myself completely when it comes to this podcast, it's so easy for me to create because it's coming from a genuine place and I'm being really honest about what I think and what I want and what I'm trying to portray to all of you.
So with 2025, I just want to take that and translate it into other areas of my life, whether it be on social media or just the way that I express myself like my fashion or my makeup or how I interact with other people.
If I want to be 100 % myself and feel like I'm really being true to who I am and really original, I need to be honest with myself.
I have to listen to my needs and my desires and I have to be driven by things that really move me and not off of what I can monetize off of or what is doing really well or what other successful people are doing.
When it comes to fashion, I need to drown out like what's trending, what's really in right now and I have to think like what do I light up about when I see it in like a magazine or in the store?
What did I think was really cool when I was younger?
For me, growing up it was leopard print.
Like I grew up obsessed with the cheetah girls.
I know leopard and cheetah are different, but like, you know what I mean?
And a lot of what I liked when I was younger is what I like now.
So it might be trending right now, but I'm not into it because it's trending.
I'm into it because I think it's fucking cool whether a thousand people wear, a thousand people wear it, or I'm the only person wearing it.
I just want to be more honest with myself and more honest about why I do things, why I care about things and really be driven by my core desires rather than what's going on around me.
Like, yes, it's cool to be inspired by other people, but I just want to be true to myself and not care so much about what others think or what others are doing and care more about like, what does Ashley want?
What does Ashley think is cool right now?
The third thing that I'm going to be keeping in mind for 2025 is be as you wish to seem, you know, like the saying fake it till you make it.
That's the same thing.
It's the easiest way to become what you want to be.
Become the thing that you want to be before you are the thing.
If you want to be confident or seem confident, you have to act like it, even if it's fake, even if you feel like a phony, even if you're so insecure, as long as you walk into a room with your head up, your shoulders back, you have good eye contact, and you don't shrivel into like a little turtle shell
and get scared of people talking to you, people are going to think that you're confident.
If you want people to think that you're successful, you need to act like you are.
Like before I actually had any following on social media, I had maybe a thousand followers.
If I'm lucky, I'm being very generous here.
I was posting as if I was the most famous bitch alive.
I was going and taking photos and random parking lots and taking my tripod everywhere, and I was posting on Tik tok dancing and talking to my camera and acting as if I had a million followers.
When you act like you have something, even if you don't, people are more likely to gravitate towards you because they can't tell if it's real or not.
They don't know how confident you really are or how successful you really are.
If you want someone to care about what you're talking about, you need to act like you know what you're talking about.
Even if you don't, like people are much more likely to listen to what you have to say if you seem confident and educated and you know who you are.
It's kind of like how people treat someone who has like a verified checkmark on social media or like hundreds of thousands, millions of followers.
They treat them as if they're more important than someone with like 500 followers.
It's not that they are, it just seems like they're more important because they have these flashy things, these flashy numbers and a cute little checkmark.
If you want to be an important person, you have to act like you are.
You need to walk the walk.
You need to talk the talk.
Even if you're so scared and you're so insecure, no one's going to know.
So you might as well fake it till you make it.
Let's say you make your vision board for 2025 and you have a clear idea of who you want to be for the new year.
You need to become that.
You have to live as if you are that person.
Like if you want to blow up on social media, you need to post on social media as if you already have a million followers.
Even if you have five followers, you have to talk to an imaginary audience until you have an actual audience.
This episode is sponsored by Equip.
With the new year, right around the corner comes new goals.
One of the most common talked about New Year's resolutions is to lose weight or to work out more.
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Now let's get back to today's episode.
If you want to become a CEO, you need to wake up every single day and act like you are a CEO.
And you might be like, I have no idea what a CEO does.
Well, same, but just go to chat GPT and be like, Hey, give me a day in the life of a CEO routine and they'll type one up for you.
And there you go. And try to follow that as closely as you can without like interfering with like what you actually have to do.
Basically in 2025, I just want to show up more as who I want to be rather than who I am.
Like I might be insecure about something, but I need to put that aside and just act as if I'm not until I actually become that, because it's not going to happen overnight.
I'm not just going to wake up and be like, Oh, you know, I'm rich and famous now.
I need to act like I am rich and famous and follow all the steps to becoming rich and famous until it actually happens.
Number four, consider everything an experiment.
I don't want to spend another minute this coming year questioning whether I should do something or not do something because I've never done it before because I'm scared because I'm unsure.
If something comes into my life that I'm excited about, that seems interesting, that seems like an insane opportunity.
And I feel compelled to explore it.
I'm going to go through with it.
I'm not going to back down because it's an unknown experience.
I have allowed my anxiety to rule so many parts of my life and I missed out on so many potential incredible experiences all because I was scared and not even scared in the sense of like, Oh, something bad's going to happen.
I'm in danger. It was just like, what if I'm bad at this?
What if I get made fun of?
What if I make a mistake?
What if it's not the right decision for me?
I look back at things that I was scared of that I ended up going through with and they were amazing.
And I can't even like process what my life would be like if I didn't go through with those things.
Like imagine if I didn't quit my job and start this podcast.
I literally cannot comprehend what my life would be like.
Like what would my life look like right now if I didn't do this really scary thing and put literally everything on the line and hit rock bottom and just like try and try and try until it worked out.
There's no point in holding back and saying no to a new experience just because it's a new experience and you don't know how things are going to pan out.
And you're scared because it's unknown because it's like, everything's unknown.
Even things that you feel so confident about and that you feel like you can visualize never end up happening exactly the way that you're envisioning it in your head.
Everything is an experiment.
You have no idea how things are going to happen.
Even just driving to the store.
You have no idea if you're going to get in a car crash, but you go and you see and you didn't.
So that's great. And that's the same thing with everything else that comes to you.
If an opportunity comes to you, yeah, you don't know how things are going to happen and come about.
But you definitely won't know if you don't go and try.
So for 2025, if something amazing comes up and I think, you know, this would be really cool or this might further my career, or I might learn something or I might grow, I'm going to go with it.
I really, truly believe that if something is presented to you, like an opportunity, it is your right to explore it.
Otherwise, it wouldn't have been presented to you.
Trying is better than nothing.
It's either I go through with it and it could go to shit or it's amazing.
Or I don't go through with it and everything stays the same.
And I'm unhappy anyways.
The last one that I'm going to do for this episode number five is be more concerned with your character than your reputation.
Like I said, there's so many things that I've learned in 2024 that I want to bring into 2025.
But this is something that I really want to focus on this year, because I spent so many years of my life trying to overcome my anxiety about what people think about me.
And I, when I was planning this episode, I was thinking like, where did everything start for me?
Like, when did I become so fixated on my reputation?
And we're taking it real back.
And that is when I went into middle school.
In middle school, in high school, I didn't have a good reputation.
I went into middle school with people calling me trashly horrible, a slut and just very vulgar names.
I remember there was one time this kid in my grade went around slamming a, not a notebook, like a binder into lockers, like slamming it and just chanting trashly horrible down the hallways.
And that name came from my neighbor who was a year older than me.
And we had stopped getting along.
Like we grew up being really, really close.
We were like sisters.
I didn't grow up with a sister.
And she was probably like the closest thing that I had to it because our families were so close.
But then our families stopped talking.
Our parents got in a fight.
And it was one of those things where our parents were like, you're not allowed to talk to each other anymore.
But because my neighbor was a year older than me, she went into sixth grade before me.
So when I was in fifth grade, she went into middle school and her and her friends went around just trashing me and being vicious about me.
I look back at that time in my life and I just feel so bad for me and any girl who has experienced something like that.
Because when you're that age, you don't realize how young you are.
You feel like you're grown up and you feel like you know everything.
But I look back and I'm like, I was a baby.
Like I was a baby. Like, how do you how do you look at a sixth grader?
I don't even know how old you are in sixth grade.
You're literally a baby.
And how do you call someone that age a slut?
Like you don't even know what that means at that age.
But I went into a school filled with people that I didn't know because you don't know anyone really in like eighth grade and seventh grade.
You go into the school, you don't know anyone and you have eighth grade boys calling you a whore.
You have seventh grade girls calling you trashly horrible.
Then I went into my freshman year of high school and I started dating a senior boy.
And I was absolutely terrorized for dating this guy.
I was called every name in the book.
I was called a slut, a whore, like you name it.
And I look back at that time in my life and I'm like, why was I being harassed?
Why wasn't the guy who was dating a girl that just came out of middle school?
Why was I being the one attacked for dating him?
And then that boy cheated on me like a million times.
And when I say a million times, I'm not exaggerating.
My friends and I were literally just like reminiscing on things in high school.
And it dawned on me how badly this dude did me wrong.
And it's crazy. I could literally write a book on the amount of times this dude cheated on me.
But me and this dude were on and off.
And when we were off, I would date around, I would talk to guys.
And again, it was Ashley, it's a slut.
Ashley is a whore. Ashley is a homie hopper rather than pointing the finger at the guys who were talking to me.
I really internalized that.
And I felt like I was just scum of a human being and no one likes me.
And I just must be awful.
And it took me so many years to deconstruct this image I had of myself and focus on who I actually am and what I like and what I believe in and what my purpose is, rather than what people think I should be doing or who people think I am.
I thought like if someone heard my name, they would associate that with just terrible things and they would be like, oh yeah, like she was like the school slut or like she was a bitch or you know, and I didn't want to think that way of myself anymore.
I didn't want to think such negative things about myself when I didn't believe them.
It took a lot of years to deconstruct that and build myself up and work on myself.
It took so many years of working on myself.
And I think now I can say that I do have a really good sense of self and I know what matters to me and I know how I want to treat people.
I know right from wrong.
I know who I am as a person.
I know what my purpose is, but even with all of that being true.
This year has been really hard on me.
And I talked a little bit about that last episode, and I won't get into it much.
Talking about this just gives me anxiety because I feel like I know by me talking about it, it's me resurfacing it and it's giving this person fuel to like go on a tangent to attack me.
And I just don't want to deal with that.
But this past year I went through a really nasty friendship fallout and this person just spent months basically doing like a smear campaign.
But ever since that happened, it really did fuck with me and how I view myself.
Because when you see people tearing you apart and tearing apart the things that you love and that you're proud of, it really makes you question who you are and how people perceive you.
So to see someone that I cared about and that was friends with for a year, go online and publicly make fun of my psychology degree.
And listen, I know that I am not a doctor.
I'm not a lawyer. I'm not getting my PhD.
But I hate the psychology degree, communications degree, slander.
If you have a degree that's cool as fuck, that is tough.
Like you should be proud of yourself for going to school.
So don't let anyone make fun of you or make you feel bad for not going to be like a lawyer or a doctor or a nurse.
Getting an education and anything, whether it be psychology or acting or whatever you want in writing, right, it's cool.
So don't let people make you feel bad about yourself.
But to see a person that you cared about bash you online and make this narrative that you're a terrible person, all because your friendship didn't work out, to make a seven part series, to reach out to your mutuals and say, like, hey, if you're not mean to Ashley and if you are friends with Ashley,
I can't be friends with you, is just so hurtful.
And it actually drove me insane.
It makes you want to defend yourself and be like, no, that's not true.
Like, this is not who I am.
Like, that's not the way that it went down.
But also at the end of the day, it's like, does it matter?
Like, does it really matter in the grand scheme of things if you and these other people don't like me?
These other people that I don't even know.
But like, does it really matter?
Not really. Does it matter that I'm a villain in your story?
Not really, because honestly, you're a villain of mine, too.
But there's just like nothing that you can do to change some people's perspective.
Of you, you can do your absolute best to be so kind and caring and respectful and funny and a loyal friend.
But if someone is committed to misunderstanding you, there is nothing that you can do to change their mind.
And it's also not your responsibility to change their mind about you.
It is not my responsibility to change the way people view me.
I know who I am and that's fine if they don't like me for who I am.
I want to spend my time being a better person, being a more kind person, being a more caring person, being a more respectful person.
I don't want to spend my time trying to convince people that I am those things, that I am a good person.
The people who see me for who I am are going to be attracted to me.
And that's the best that I can do.
Like, I don't have time and I don't have the energy to convince people to trust me or to like me.
And it's like, if they don't like me, I don't want to worry so much about that.
I don't want to spend my time on people who are committed to not liking me.
It's like yelling at a wall.
Look, I can only say and do so much.
If you're still not seeing what I'm trying to put out into the world, that's fine.
And we're just not aligning.
And that's fine. That's good.
You need to like you.
It doesn't matter how many people like you or dislike you.
You have to go to bed every single day with you.
So if you don't like yourself, you're going to live a life of misery.
No matter how successful you are, no matter how many people like you, no matter how many fans you have, you're not going to be happy or fulfilled.
If you go through life hating yourself.
So with all that being said, and with a little trauma dump to end the episode, I just want to focus more on my character than my reputation.
I want to be concerned with do I like me?
Am I actually a good person?
Am I doing the right thing?
Then care about how other people view me.
People that I don't even know, like strangers on the internet.
Why do I care what you think about me?
Why do I care that you watched a video and then you said, Hey, I don't know this girl, but I'm going to go to her TikTok account and I'm going to comment the most horrendous things on her video.
Fine, go for it. But it's like, I don't want that to impact the way that I view myself.
I want to like myself.
And if I'm the only person that likes myself, that's fine.
But I would rather know at my core that I'm doing everything that I can to better myself and grow, then have people like me and then be a terrible person.
Because that happens a lot too, you know?
Some people go so hard for someone and they have so many fans, but they're actually an awful person.
I just want to focus more on doing the right thing and being a better person than I was a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, 10 years ago.
I just want to be better.
And if people don't like me, that's cool with me, but that is everything for today's episode.
When? When? It's the end of 2024, the last episode of 2024.
How sad, but honestly kind of sick.
It is sickening. I am so excited for the new year.
Thank God. Thank God 2024 is over.
If you liked today's episode, let me know.
I can definitely do a part two.
Like I said, there are so many things that I want to work on in the new year.
If you didn't listen to last week's episode, go check it out.
I talk about things that I learned in 2024.
Okay, that's it. Go follow my social media, please.
I love you. I hope you had an amazing 2024 and I'm so grateful that you are a part of mine.
Okay. I'm going to go now.
I need to go eat and get a coffee.
I love you. I will talk.
Oh, I won't talk to you next Monday, guys.
Oh my God. I'm so sorry.
There won't be an episode the first Monday of January.
Oh no. Sorry to drop that on you, but I got to go.
No episode that next Monday.
Love you. Bye Besties.
