Hello and welcome to or welcome back to Trying Not To Care.
If you're new here, my name's Ashley and I upload every single Monday.
A lot of you have asked me will I ever go back to recording video for the pod and uploading the video for the pod?
Because I used to upload my episodes on YouTube and now I only upload the podcast clips to Instagram and TikTok.
I want to, but I'm in the process of trying to get video on Spotify instead of having to go to YouTube.
So it's in the works.
I really like having the podcast on Spotify and Apple rather than having to have all of you go over to YouTube to watch a video, especially YouTube, like.
I just think that it makes more sense to have it all in one place.
So I'm in the process of figuring that out.
I'm hoping to have that settled by the end of the summer.
So just know that that's in the works.
But if you ever do want to see my face and you want to see some podcast clips, I do upload those on my podcast Instagram, my podcast TikTok.
I was kind of having a brain fart for this week's episode.
I didn't really know what I wanted to talk about.
I've been doing this podcast for four years now, so four years will do that to you, because it's hard to remember what I've already covered and not wanting to be super repetitive.
But
The reality is there's always going to be overlap.
So, moving forward, I'm just going to talk about whatever I feel called to talk about, even if it's been done already.
But I'm always open to hearing what you want me to talk about.
You can let me know on Spotify.
You can let me know in my DMs on Instagram.
But today I want to talk about how fast someone becomes unattractive to you when you understand the way they think.
Last week I talked about how to detach from someone, and I briefly spoke about taking off the rose-colored glasses and seeing the relationship for what it is.
That is exactly what happens when you stop making excuses for someone or making up stories on who you think they are and you just see them for who they are.
Whether it's romantic or platonic, attractiveness or attachment to a person can very quickly vanish.
When you understand how they think and why they think the way they do, your attraction and your interest and your pull towards them is severed, not because they've changed, but because your perception of them has.
You start noticing the patterns that you once ignored the way they speak about people when no one's around.
The subtle cruelty they disguise as honesty and backhanded jokes.
The constant need for validation and attention.
The inability to take accountability without turning themselves into the victim.
The calculated and performative kindness.
The way every interaction somehow works to serve them in the end.
Someone who you once viewed as magnetic and you were so pulled to suddenly feels draining.
Someone who once felt safe now feels manipulative.
Someone who you thought was very kind and giving turns out to be super calculated and kind of an energy vampire.
In today's episode We're talking about what happens when you finally see someone for who they really are, and how attraction can disappear almost immediately once that illusion breaks.
So with all that being said, let's get into today's episode.
Attraction, whether that be to a romantic partner or a situationship or even a friend, often doesn't start with reality.
It's not grounded in reality.
It's based on how you view this person.
It's all based on interpretation.
Think about when you first have a crush.
Rarely do you know much about this person.
You kind of give meaning to them and you romanticize them.
You think about what you two could be together.
You daydream about them.
You make these fake scenarios in your head and you fill your head with who you think they are and what they think about you and what you're going to be.
And then, once they reciprocate the same energy, back and show interest in you, you already have this false narrative of who this person is.
And that's what you go off of.
That's what your relationship is built off of.
You've created the story around a person before you've had enough information to know who they actually are.
When we see people, We don't see them at face value.
We fill in the gaps because our brain loves a story and our brain loves closure.
We don't like to not know things.
So when we see people or we briefly meet them, we take the very small behaviors that we see how they speak, the way they carry themselves, the very quick good or bad moments and we build meaning around it.
You see someone hold the door for a stranger and you assign meaning to that and you go oh, they're so thoughtful.
You see someone posting a thirst trap on TikTok and you assign meaning to it.
They're so confident.
You share a very brief vulnerable moment with someone and you assign meaning to it.
That they're so deep.
That they're so emotionally intelligent.
Sometimes those things are true and people are who they appear to be.
But a lot of the time...
We're not just observing.
We're interpreting and creating a version of someone that fits what we want to believe about them.
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In the beginning of a relationship, when you're in the talking phase or the honeymoon phase and this person is showering you with compliments and admiration, you take that as it is and you believe that person's kind and they're romantic and they're deep and it never even crosses your mind that they may be love bombing you with an ulterior motive, because The version that you've created of them feels real to you.
That's who they are to you in your mind.
You've told yourself so much that that is who this person is and you just believe it.
That's why attraction can feel so intense in the beginning.
It's not just the person, it's the meaning we've attached to them and that's what we're attached to.
But the thing about projection is it only works in very low exposure.
When you don't have full access to a person.
When you're not always with them or you don't know them well enough to see the bigger picture.
When you're still in that kind of honeymoon phase.
Whether again that be romantic or platonic.
Because although it's not talked about often.
Friendships definitely do have that honeymoon phase.
Or honeymoon stage as well.
Projection only works when you're still guessing at how that person feels or how that person thinks about you, when you're still relying on your own imagination to complete the picture of who this person is, the romanticized version of this person.
The more you get to know someone, or the more time you spend around them and you get to actually observe them rather than imagine and make up these stories about how they behave, the harder it is to maintain that story that you've built around them.
The more time that you spend with this person, the more you learn about them and you start to see that a lot of the story you've made up about them doesn't fit who they actually are.
And it might not be this dramatic thing where they blow up and they scream at everyone and they're just insanely evil.
It's the little things.
You start to notice the little patterns.
The way they speak to people when there's nothing to gain.
Like yes, sometimes they're incredibly kind and they're very good at socializing and including people.
But... only when there's a camera on them or there is an opportunity to gain.
But when there's not, they lack that sweetness that you thought they just naturally had.
You might notice the way they talk to people when they aren't around.
When you first met them, you saw how thoughtful they were and how they included those people in conversations which you liked.
But now, when those people aren't there, they're talking poorly about them in a way.
They definitely wouldn't if they were there.
You might even notice the way they act when they're challenged or they don't get what they want.
They're usually super down for anything and they're in a good mood and just go with the flow and just a good, fun person to be around.
But now you're seeing a more erratic side of them, how dysfunctional they get when someone tells them no or things don't go their way.
I think the way that people act when they think no one is watching or they're not being recorded or there's nothing on the line for them says a lot about who they are.
Because anyone can perform in controlled situations.
Anyone can show you the best version of themselves when it benefits them.
But patterns show you something much deeper what someone defaults to when there is no incentive to perform.
That is where I think people reveal their true selves.
When you see that, that is usually where the attraction starts to shift.
This person hasn't done anything wrong, right?
They haven't changed.
The thing that's changed is your perception.
And I think that's where people have a really hard time understanding why someone has randomly cut them off out of the blue, why they randomly switched up on them and think so negatively about them.
They think you just woke up one morning and you were like, you know what?
I hate your guts.
I hate you for no other reason than I hate you.
You have someone now being like used to say that I was your best friend and now you think I'm a bad person.
You used to say I always included you, and now you're saying the opposite and they can't grasp why you feel the way that you do.
They don't understand what has changed even when you tell them.
But can you blame them?
To them, they've always been the same them, but you're just now seeing the real them.
The image you once had of them is starting to fade and is now being replaced with something more accurate.
But the more accurate version of them has always been there.
That's why they're like, what did I do wrong?
I've always been this way.
And it's like, well, yeah, you just did a really good job hiding it.
Now that I see it, I don't like it.
Sometimes seeing that more accurate version of them is gradual, but sometimes there is this big moment where there is a switch and everything starts to add up and you realize the qualities you once found attractive have deeper meaning.
Like you were just assigning meaning to them that didn't actually add up or make sense.
Sometimes what looks like confidence is insecurity that has been heavily managed.
What looks like mystery could just be emotional avoidance.
What looks like someone being selective with their energy is just someone deciding to be kind and giving only when it benefits them.
The reason that it's so hard to go back to the version you once saw of this person is clarity operates on evidence.
You're no longer guessing who this person is and filling in gaps and creating this perfect partner or this perfect friend.
You're now seeing them for who they are.
Once there is this huge amount of evidence that points to this is how they are and they aren't how you thought they were, that attraction that you had shifts.
And when I say attraction, I don't mean physical attraction like you want to jump their bones.
I mean gravitating towards them, wanting to be their friend, wanting to be connected to them, wanting to have a relationship with them.
I think about an ex that I had that I talk about quite often on this podcast.
He's given me quite a lot of material to talk about.
I'm so sorry.
But I think about where.
In the beginning, the honeymoon phase, if you will He was extremely attentive towards me.
He was always texting me.
Always wanting to hang out with me.
Always complimenting me.
And I was charmed by how intentional he was with me.
And how nice he was to me.
Because he was the type of person who I wouldn't call him a loner.
But like he was the type of person that didn't have a lot of friends, didn't really like to socialize.
If he didn't like you, he didn't like you.
He wasn't a social butterfly.
He wasn't entertaining people unless he was interested.
And he was kind of mean to others and about others.
So the fact that he wasn't like that to me made me feel special and I would write that off as he's just selective with his energy.
But in reality he was just an asshole.
He was misogynistic and he thought he was better than other people, me included.
But it took me a while to see that, because it also took him a while to show me that.
Eventually, it became apparent that I was not special.
I was not the exception.
And the way that he would speak about other women included me too.
When someone thinks that way, rarely can they contain it.
They can hide it for a little bit.
But eventually it's going to come out.
If someone needs to put others down to elevate you, eventually they will find a way to do that to you as well.
Because the behavior isn't about you specifically.
It is based on how they relate to people in general.
You think a man who says to you, women are so attention seeking, they're so emotional, they're so crazy, they're so needy, but you, you're different, you're special.
You think he means that?
You think that he has this opinion on every other woman in the world, but you're the exception.
You're the only woman he doesn't think that way about.
Listen to the way people speak.
The way they think about others, they absolutely think about you.
It's just a matter of time before they actually say it out loud.
It took me a really long time to see the intention behind my ex's behavior, because I was charmed by him and I was ignoring the patterns.
But once you see the patterns clearly, it's almost impossible to return back to the image that you created of that person, and that's where the attraction dies.
When you realize that you were attached to a story.
And that story wasn't grounded in reality.
A lot of these behaviors that we tend to label as unattractive don't just come out of nowhere.
They don't randomly appear in someone's personality and people don't just decide to act out in an ugly way.
Most of the time, if not all of the time, it's the effect of an unresolved insecurity.
Once you understand that, it's easier to pick up on patterns rather than write off those moments as isolated moments that aren't going to happen again.
People who constantly judge others often do it because they're judging themselves even more harshly.
It's almost like a displacement.
If the focus stays on other people's flaws...
They don't have to sit with the discomfort of their own flaws.
It is a lot easier for someone to criticize outward than look at themselves and criticize inward.
It's also a really good distraction for others.
If I point out this flaw about someone else, everyone will focus on them and I won't be the target.
If I make others think this person's a bad person and I make others attack them, I'm less likely to be viewed as a bad person and I'm less likely to be rejected.
People who always need attention aren't necessarily confident.
A lot of the time these people act this way and need attention because they're so afraid of becoming invisible and not mattering to people.
So attention becomes less of a desire and more of a stabilizer.
It is the thing that keeps them from feeling like they're going to be erased.
That's why people like dumbass James Charles don't care if they get bad press, because any press is good press to them.
They're so afraid that if people stop talking about them, they will be forgotten.
And that is scarier to them than people gossiping about them or making think pieces about them, or people hating their guts.
It's deranged but being alone and being forgotten is harder for them than being hated.
People who mock vulnerability are usually deeply uncomfortable with their own emotions.
Not because they don't have emotions, but because they don't have a good relationship relationship with them.
So instead of leaning into their more emotional side, they default to sarcasm or deflection or superiority, like they don't ever get emotional.
They don't show that side to them because they're so much better than you.
If they can make vulnerability look weak, then they don't have to confront why it feels so inaccessible to them.
Two years ago I had posted a very vulnerable video of myself on TikTok crying, talking about how i was struggling with imposter syndrome, and someone who played a part in making me feel that way went online to tell people that my tears were fake.
And not everyone who posts themselves crying on the internet is crying because they're sad and they're doing it for other reasons, And to me that was just crazy, because if, when you see someone crying, if you see someone upset and your first thought is to accuse them of having an ulterior motive and saying that they're not actually upset, that's just telling on yourself and showing your cards on what you're capable of doing.
And it also shows that you're incapable of being vulnerable, because the idea of being upset over what I was or upset over what someone else was is just not doable for you.
Because you can't feel as deeply as someone else does.
You jump to, it must not be real.
People who play games in relationships, who give you mixed signals, who withhold affection, who create emotional uncertainty.
They're often not as strategic as you think they are.
That's not to say that they aren't playing a game.
They definitely are.
But it's not always as simple as they're just a player.
They're just stringing you along.
A lot of the time...
It's that plus fear.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of being seen too much by you.
Fear of intimacy where it would require them to actually show up in a consistent way.
Most people who refuse to settle down and are known for jumping from person to person or are a well-known player from like, your hometown.
Don't act that way just for the thrill of it.
It is a defense mechanism.
And people who are obsessed with appearing better than others, being seen as more successful, more attractive, more intelligent, more well-off, are often carrying a deep fear of being rejected or not being enough.
So they have to put themselves on this pedestal.
So they're above others because to them, if they're not above them, they're below them.
And that is coming from an insecurity.
Understanding the root cause of the behavior is what is unattractive.
The emotional immaturity.
You see that in how they handle conflict, how they refuse to come to a resolution, how they purposefully misunderstand you to come out on top,
The superiority complexes, where they always need to drive the conversation, always be in control of the narrative, always be the center of attention.
Their inability to self-reflect and always have to shift the blame onto others.
The lack of empathy for how they treat others or how they minimize how others feel.
Always positioning themselves as the victim, no matter what happens to seem like the one who was misunderstood or the one who was provoked.
None of these things show up in this big dramatic way.
It's not always obvious at first.
It's usually not obvious and that's why we don't catch on until further down the road.
It's in the small reactions the tone shifts, in how someone behaves when they're not being put on that pedestal or when people disagree with them, or
People don't want to do what they want to do and they're not getting their way.
At the beginning of any relationship, most people are on their best behavior.
But over time, that becomes harder to maintain.
Not because they're an overall bad person.
Everyone has flaws or, you know, behaviors that aren't super pretty.
But because you get used to this person and your default settings.
Let's say, come out who you normally are when others aren't watching, you comes out.
I mean even me with Josh.
I seemed like the most chill person, relaxed girl when we first started dating.
He used to always say it's crazy that we never fight, like we're so happy and there's no drama.
And now he probably thinks i'm batshit crazy.
Because i am batshit crazy, I'm not going to reveal my cards right away, because there was more to lose.
Now he sees all parts of me, good or bad.
Parts of me I definitely wouldn't have shown to someone I'm trying to attract.
But everyone has those you know traits and things about them that they don't necessarily want people to see.
The reality is a lot of people are managing themselves in front of you.
We all do it.
We manage how we want to be seen.
We manage how much vulnerability we allow.
We manage or we try to control the narrative of us in people's minds.
It's not a bad thing necessarily.
It just depends on the intention behind it.
There isn't malice in me not disclosing everything that I'm saying or feeling or doing in my life on this podcast.
I mean, I share a lot, but I do have a limit and that's a boundary to protect myself.
That's not bad.
But there is malice in someone not disclosing that I don't know they slept with their best friend's boyfriend, right?
It all comes down to intention.
And when you start to understand how someone thinks and their intentions behind doing something, it becomes harder to ignore the gap between who someone is and who they're presenting themselves to be.
You know, when there's someone who is just pure evil, you look at them and you're like you are just the worst person ever.
You've seen what they're capable of.
And then they present themselves to everyone like they're an angel.
They're so kind.
They're so giving.
They're such a girl's girl.
And you're like, no, no, no, no, no.
That's not how you actually behave.
That's what I'm talking about.
I think what's really difficult is when you look at this person and you realize that they care so much more about their ego and how they look than they care about how they make others feel.
Their entire personality is built around protecting their ego.
They don't care to have a real connection.
They don't care to help other people.
They don't care to contribute to anything other than things that uplift them.
And once you see that clearly, it changes the way that you see them and the way you feel about them entirely, because you stop relating to or gravitating towards this person or this image and you start to see the system underneath this, like image that they're presenting to people.
People really underestimate how much energy plays a part in connection.
Just because you didn't do this really bad thing to someone outright where it was super obvious, like screaming in someone's face Thank you, doesn't mean your energy was good or that you made them feel good to be around you.
How you make others feel is so important and absolutely can change the way people see you.
Having a bad attitude, or being envious of someone, or being dishonest, having entitlement or even the performative kindness
Those are all quiet acts that still make people feel like crap.
And sometimes those acts are worse than if someone were to just scream in your face, because at least others would see it see someone screaming in your face and understand why you're upset and why you don't like this person.
Those small behaviors not everyone sees, because they show up in certain ways, like the way that someone speaks to you directly, in the way that they talk about others to you, in the way they respond to good news that isn't theirs.
Picking up on these small acts makes you more aware of how someone thinks and how they feel about themselves.
And you can clearly see these type of people are insecure and a lot of them hate themselves.
You also start to see when someone is insecure or when they hate themselves.
It doesn't just stay inside of them.
It eventually comes out, whether it be in their relationships and how they try to control people and how they need to constantly compare themselves to others or compete with other people.
For example, friends who try to compete with you when you didn't even know you were in a competition with them.
It's all projection.
It's all a mirror of how that person views and thinks about themselves.
But being able to notice these patterns and pick up on when someone is insecure and when they don't like themselves, it doesn't just change how you view them, but it also changes what you're actually drawn to.
When someone makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe or bad about yourself yeah, it sucks and you might feed into it and kind of play the role of the victim, which I definitely have before.
But it also shows you what you want less of the type of person that you don't want to be around, the type of person that you no longer want will tolerate.
You become very aware that there are certain traits in people that you actually value on a deeper level, like self-awareness, emotional maturity, being sincere instead of performative or trying to win people over, kindness that isn't conditional or transactional.
Confidence that doesn't come from tearing other people down or making someone else feel small.
And this might not even be a conscious decision where you're thinking about okay, I don't want this, so I want this.
Things just change in you where what used to be exciting starts to feel chaotic or even like an alarm.
I used to like being compared to the other girls by my ex.
It made me feel special, whereas now, when anyone tries to compare me or someone to others in a way where it puts others down, that's a red flag to me.
That tells me immediately I want out of that conversation and I'm not interested in it.
But that wasn't something that I thought of where I was like I'm only going to be around people who don't put others down.
Now it's just an automatic feeling of like, oh, I don't like that.
I don't want that.
The more emotionally aware you become, the harder it is to be impressed by surface level things.
Being charmed doesn't get you anymore.
Being around the coolest or most popular people doesn't matter anymore.
Dating the most physically attractive person doesn't mean anything to you anymore.
What matters to you now is the energy someone consistently brings into the space, not just by what they say, but how they handle things, how they handle success or rejection or attention or their own insecurities.
How they treat people when there's nothing to prove and no one to impress.
The way that we think will always be revealed by the way that we act, the way that we love, the way that we speak, the way that we speak to other people, how harshly we judge other people, how we react to things whether it's things that concern us or don't concern us and just how we move through the world in general.
One of my favorite quotes that I saw on Pinterest that inspired this episode actually is some people lose their beauty the moment you understand their mindset.
And I don't think that could be more true.
So I hope that this episode made you think about that and i hope that it maybe changes your perspective on a lot of people, maybe some toxic people in your lives.
Maybe it will help you stop making excuses for them which, if you haven't listened to last week's episode, i recommend you listen to it.
It's called how to detach from toxic people And that will definitely help you if that's what you're trying to do.
If you haven't already, make sure to follow me on social media.
My Instagram and TikTok are linked in the show notes.
If you could give, trying to care, a rating on Spotify and Apple, that would help me out so much and share today's episode with someone who you think needs to hear it.
That is everything for today.
I hope you enjoyed today's episode.
If you did, make sure to let me know.
That is everything.
I will talk to you next monday bye.
