The Support Squad Series, Episode 3, with Michael Anne Bailey｜Ali on the Run Show

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Welcome to the Allie on the Run show.

I'm your host, Allie Feller, and this is where I talk with people who are doing exciting things on the run and beyond.

From professional athletes and and celebrity runners to the everyday, amateur, and back -of -the -pack runner, we are here to celebrate everyone and anyone who enjoys a life on the run.

Whether you are running towards something big or away from something that has been holding you back, I am here to hold your hand and help you pick up the pace.

Though, as you know, you're really the ones holding my hand and helping me keep pace right now.

I am fresh off, well fresh as can be, off my third round of chemotherapy for my Stage 4 breast cancer diagnosis.

I feel great today.

It's day one. I usually feel pretty decent on day one and I hope this continues.

I'm all about the optimism right now.

My support person this time around was my best friend, Michael Ann Bailey.

And it's her first time on the show.

So give her a warm welcome.

I'm so excited for you to get to know her.

Just one of the absolute loveliest humans that exists on this planet.

Michael and I met in, I want to say 2009, thanks to an assignment for Dance Spirit Spirit Magazine.

She was the captain of the Brigham Young University Cougarettes at the time and I interviewed her for a story.

And then she got hired at the magazine.

In 2010, we started working together and we had a pretty immediate bond.

Today, Michael lives in New Canaan, Connecticut with her husband Chris and their four amazing children, Blair, Blake, Bennett, and Brooks.

You know, Michael swore she wasn't going to do all B names, but I swore I'd return the SoulCycle shoes at the end of every class.

So we all say what we say.

Michael worked at Dance Spirit up until she had her first daughter, Blair, and then stayed home to raise her children.

Her youngest, Brooks, is now three, and Michael is now opening a business.

It has been so exciting watching her thrive, watching her open the doors at Connect Dance Project in Stamford, Connecticut.

We talk about that more in this episode, but if you're in the area and you have a dancer, you would be so so lucky to get to have them at Connect, where Michael is the greatest, most loving person I know.

I wish so badly that Annie could dance there.

I wish it all the time.

Today, Michael makes her Allie on the Run show debut to talk about what it was like and has been like being a support person for me throughout all of this.

Michael was here for me after my double mastectomy.

She came to my second round of chemo the first time around, and she was here the day I got to ring the bell.

Now she's back for round three of round two.

We're doing chemo again, and this was the third round.

Hard to keep it all straight, I know.

That's why I have friends to help me with that.

Please welcome my intern -turned -bestie, Michael Ann Bailey, to the Allie on the Run show.

all right support squad episode three with the girl that i officially call my best friend michael and bailey co -workers colleagues turned besties that's gonna be that's the takeaway from this whole episode hire someone with best friend potential how are you next to your boss that's your takeaway should we go should we launch immediately into like the unhinged things you used to come into my office and do probably not that's not a good way to start I need good first impressions no it is we were just always that comfortable with each other where you would come in and be like can you proof this layout

real quick and then you're just like stretching on my desk popping your hip suddenly didn't you go through the papers on my desk one that not once like multiple times completely not paying attention and you'd be like why are you rifling through my papers again like what are you hoping to find like the editor -in -chief of the magazine it's fine um you know i was obviously fine with it and you were always best dressed really are you gonna argue that point i mean i look back at the pictures and it does not show best dressed it shows best dressed at the time it doesn't show timeless well yours kind

of do but I mean gosh we went so hard for anything I feel like banana republic j crew outlet like j crew never made a pencil skirt or a bubble necklace that we were not trying to get our hands on oh yeah and then I had to add a matching headband and shoes colored tights if you were feeling real spicy colored tights and then I went through this whole phase where you were wearing you had the shoe drawer with all these heels and I was so jealous of them your feet are very very tiny and I could not hack commuting in heels so then I was trying to commute in flats or flip flops which flip flops on the subway

that is gross like the amount of like warm liquid that I probably felt we needed a foot wash like they have at the beach for sure damn spirit for sure sure and then having to change my shoes when I got to work and then did you have a shoe drawer did you build out a shoe drawer I didn't um you had to have an area for vomiting yeah well later on later on later on not not I mean Michael that makes it sound like I had I had other things going on oh no no no no I know no no um the last what nine months of working at Dance Spirit I was pregnant and very very ill yeah but you were like epic about it

like you if you had quietest vomiter yeah you would and your office was in the middle like your cube was in the middle of the like dead center thank goodness margaret sitting next to me holding my hair back yeah like college girls out at a party except we were little aspiring business professionals planned pregnancy puking while planning little photo shoots you know it's funny I think about sometimes at the the very beginning of that pregnancy when I was so sick and I hadn't told anyone like you were the only one that knew I was working basically from home because we had Gmail and we would G chat.

And we just didn't tell anybody that I wasn't there.

Like our team knew that I wasn't there.

But sometimes I think I worked from home for three or four weeks because I was so sick.

I don't remember that.

And I think we just didn't tell anyone.

And I think they just didn't realize oh secrets out secrets oh no but that was like such a different time yeah you didn't work from home then no no one worked from home like we barely had the capabilities to I know I had to go on medical leave so I could work from home classic we'll get to that that's a lot we'll get to that okay we're getting ahead of ourselves because I do want to share the Allie and Michael origin story which is one of my favorites but I thought I thought so we're recording this as usual the morning after chemo we had chemo round three yesterday we'll talk about how it went

we're feeling good this morning we just went for a nice walk and now before you drive home we're recording this so you would think after chemo we would come home and crash it is such a long day but instead we're like friendship friendship friendship friendship like we're getting this time together let's like hang out forever we went to bed at 11 30 last last night yeah and only because the second episode ended of the summer I turned pretty which this season so far boo not loving it uh there's still hope though um but at one point I went to I got up to pee for the 48th time um I pee so much on chemo

days and I realized they're pumping me full of liquids totally and I stayed moderately hydrated yeah you did a good job you You were sipping your cute little water cup.

I don't even know where that came from.

I remember you and the nurse brought it to you.

Yeah, she did. She was adorable.

But then I handed you, she has this bedazzled Dunkin' cup full of fruity water.

Thank you, mom. And she was not really with it.

She wakes up and she's like, she's like kind of like doing this parched face at me.

Yes, like a child. And I asked her if she needed water.

I know what you're going to say.

My hand wasn't even positioned correctly.

And I think you like licked my hand a little bit.

because I think you thought I was going to take the water from you I did and what I was planning to do was be a little hamster who was like thank you for holding this and I'm just gonna like lap it up yeah that was the end of the day that was when I was in my position and you got a good drink and you were hydrated yes um but anyway so I had to get up a hundred times to pee last night and I don't want to turn any lights on so I take my phone and I turn on my flashlight the benefit fit then is as I sit and wait 10 minutes to actually pee, I'm scrolling, I'm vibing.

But I last night was like, okay, no one knows this, but I'm actually the smartest person alive right now.

And I have the deepest, most profound thoughts.

And I was just in like a, my heart felt very full last night because we had just had this moment, which we'll talk about.

We just had this moment down in the kitchen.

You thought I was coming to bed.

I found a container of ice cream.

I'm always always like I'm gonna be so healthy on chemo days like I just want a really healthy meal but then I remember that's what you said to me the day before oh where oh where salmon grilled salmon okay you said that you you said nothing about the fact that you were working from home so who's a liar now um and so yeah I'm elbow deep in uh turkey hill choco mint chip which it just it also like I was craving mint yesterday my throat was hurting and my throat was hurting and so I'm downstairs just going to town on ice cream and then you came back down and then we ended up in the comments section from my

latest post yeah and we started crying and then we started laughing we laughed and then and then that just anyway it translated upstairs we were just like we were so giggly and I love like anyway so I'm in the bathroom and I remember opening the door and I was like hey I just need a minute I just had a thought and I need to write it down and in the state I was in last night I'm thinking this is out like I'm at my best right now like I'm Professor Alley.

Yes. Yes. I have not read what I wrote since last night.

And so I'm going to read it now.

And we're gonna see how it is.

And I might laugh, I might cry, it might this might be a nothing burger.

But I remember being like, this will be a really nice way to start the episode.

And I didn't even let you read it to me last night.

I just said, you're so profound.

Yeah. You've always been a hype girl.

Okay. I actually think this is gonna be nice one of the greatest gifts of this is getting to spend quality one -on -one time with my friends during all of this that is so precious as an adult we lay in bed and watch movies or shows and we laugh so so so much typo even on the absolute worst darkest days we cry too we acknowledge hard stuff sometimes and we hug the hugs usually linger a little longer than normal that was our hug in the kitchen last night but man we really are having the best of times during the worst of times i feel really close to my people right now i see my parents a lot the chemo

days are so long but we're together uninterrupted with nowhere else to be with no one needing us elsewhere and then this is where i was like i'm about to save the world i wish this kind of support network for everyone in the world i think about how good this world could be if every single person knew at least one person had their back would hold their hand and loved them but But actually, I stand by all that.

Is it profound? No. Did I invent a thought?

No, but you look completely articulated how we were feeling these last three days.

Really? Like last night standing in the kitchen.

Do you want to describe the scene?

I mean, yeah. So I was scrolling through the comments and started crying.

And you were like, what are you?

Or what did I say? You were like, you were like these comments are deep.

I think you just said these comments and I panicked.

Yeah, you thought it was bad.

because of course I'm like, what did I do?

Cause I need a class and not caring what other people think, but we'll get there.

Um, and I was just like, what?

And you were like, can I, I think you, I read you, I read you a few of the comments and, um, you know, I think we've talked a lot about like, why, why are we recording the video of her putting the cold capping on?

Why are we, why are we documenting the whole day?

Because people do look at us like, oh, those girls must must think they're influencers yeah like you know which there's nothing wrong with being an influencer but you know there's for whatever reason we're in an infusion center we're in infusion center and we're like posing like I was dancing in front of the windows okay no one was near us when you were dancing I was not paying attention I was just trying to take a stretch little stretch um but the reason that we do record it and document it is because I think that there are people out there that it does help and I think reading these comments

showed us that oh my gosh and so that one comment especially which people can go and read it I don't have it right in front of me actually I did screenshot it um but yeah people are sharing really vulnerable stuff with us and it does make me feel like like someone said is they were like maybe um maybe the gift of this all is this community online that's rare where like we can all be there for each other and so I think that's what it goes like I know that I have this support system and I think all it takes is one like everyone just needs to know there is one person in this world that's going to

go to bat for them that's got them that's going to listen like I just we just need more of that and I feel like this community is like it's just next level so we were reading these comments and you started and I started crying right away and then you started crying and when we're both crying it's just a mess um but then we started laughing because then there There were other comments in there that just had us laughing.

And I mean, I think I was like on the kitchen floor at one point.

We were dying. And so, no, I don't know if we can say that.

I mean. No. We were very laughing.

We were laughing. But this is what I mean.

And I said this to you yesterday and I said it on my wild ride solo episode of like, I need to have the friends in my life where we can say like, oh, my God, we were dying and I'm like wait and we can laugh and it's not awkward and I know that'll make people uncomfortable but like we and we've had a few of those moments this weekend and I think it's what gets us through yeah if you can't laugh you just cry yeah so to be able to coexist and and just like this was my other thing and I said this to you last night and I was like she's not gonna like this but like I looked at you and I was just like

listen we're gonna have moments moments like there's gonna be an end for all of us i hope it's not for a wicked long time for all of us you and i both decided like in our 80s yeah we don't we're not i don't want to be 100 no i don't like we're good by that point but like we're gonna be kicking it in our 80s we could do early 90s early 90s yeah 90s pretty cute and sexy and so we're still gonna be power walking for sure for sure so everyone at some point is gonna come to an end of their life and hopefully hopefully you know this isn't true for everyone but like I hope that when that happens for me

I have time to reflect you know that I am given the gift of looking back on the best of times and like last night with my best friend in my kitchen like okay yeah it was fresh after chemo but oh my god like my belly hurt from laughing and it was just like to be able to still have and find those moments and that they're not forced.

Like that's just, I think that's probably one of the best parts about us getting to be here together is that it's 100 % just who we are.

I'm not trying, neither of us are trying to put on a show for the other person that we, that ship sailed about 15 years ago.

That ship sailed when you looked at my credit report on my desk.

Yeah. Yeah, I would say that's not true.

It was like random stories.

No, I think, you know, I think that's part of the beauty of this friendship is that we really have been through every stage of, of adulthood together.

Like I, I met you, like we've been through literally every stage of adulthood together and the ups and the downs and the things that worked and the things that didn't.

And really there, there's never been a time where I questioned if that, if you were my my friend or if you were my best friend.

Yeah. And even as we've, you know, moved to different towns and made new friends and taken, you know, different parts of our lives, like I always knew that you were there for me, you know, which this is, I don't know if we even want to get into this now, which is why when you were so sick last week and you weren't taking my, it wasn't even just taking my calls because half the time I know that she's not, she's not going to answer because I I know she's recording or you're not, I don't know who I'm talking to.

You are recording. Yeah.

Um, either, or, or I'm with Annie or you're with, or there's so much going on.

We play more phone tag.

Yes. There's so much phone tag, but there's always, I'm sorry, I missed your text or I'm sorry.

I missed your call or responding on Instagram.

Like there's some sort of constant communication and this was complete radio silence for probably 10 days and it radio silence in that, like I was reaching out to you every, like I was off Instagram too yes so there was there was just nothing yeah and I started flipping out and I told Chris my husband that I was like I I have to just get in the car I have to go drive there like I'm so worried and um he encouraged me to call your mom first which thank goodness and Lori and I looped in and just started and it it made me realize obviously how things how bad things had gone because if you weren't taking

my calls you weren't I know you weren't doing anything that I I knew like, cause usually you're like, I'm so sick.

I can't even talk right now.

But then it got beyond that.

Yeah. Thanks mom. But I never questioned that you still loved me.

Oh, I still love you.

And I said, you weren't mad at me.

That wasn't it. No, I, I have never with you.

I don't think I've ever been like, did I say something wrong?

Did I do something wrong?

I look back at a million times in our friendship when I wish I had done things differently.

Like after you had had your first child and i didn't know what it meant to be around a child like i should have been at your house next door to me every day checking in just dropping stuff okay hang out pause for a second i did hold on hold on that is not true i after blair was born i got a really bad infection and had to be hospitalized again for like five days without without blair and And poor Chris, who's a new dad and my mom are in town.

My mom calls you and it's like, I need you to pick up formula.

Oh my God. Do you remember that?

Yes. Where did I go?

Gristides or Duane Reade or something?

Yeah. And I was like, what is formula?

But your mom told me exactly what to get.

I think she sent me a picture of what it looked like.

And there was like two different ones.

And yeah, I did. I forgot about that.

That was when I got to know your mom too.

Like I hung out with Grammy Cindy that night.

also or watching Blair when Valentine's Day Valentine's Day so Chris and I could go out because I was pregnant surprise with Blake it's pregnant again oh my gosh um and so that we could have a nice Valentine's Day like cool my baby's that one time oh when you flew across the country with me and two I was terrified I didn't breathe that entire flight I was holding I was just so afraid Blair was gonna barf the entire time don't kid yourself you've been there you haven't been there oh oh no no no do you know the best one yes you in the hospital which time when you left me with your newborn well that yes

I did do that sorry no in the hospital again um Blake needed surgery oh my gosh her small tubes yep she well she had tonsils she got her tonsils out she had ear tubes she got her adenoids shaved and she was two and I had a three -year -old at home and a a newborn at home and so chris couldn't come with me and i was really nervous about man she had been on a lot of steroids because she was really struggling with asthma and was really hard to manage was she on dexamethasone or methadexazone honestly i've said both so many times i don't know which all i know was like prednisone max dose yeah um but it

really affected her personality and she was so difficult and you volunteered to come to the hospital with me and showed up I think you drove in were you I was living in New Jersey you were living in New Jersey yeah because I came to the city with met me on the Upper East Side we took her to the hospital do you remember how horrible she was okay here's the two things I remember most about that day well I remember how crowded the waiting room was I remember her flipping out about the bracelet yes and then I brought her the giraffe with the yeah I remember the anesthesiologist coming out and saying

no child has ever fought anesthesia as hard as Blake just did and you were like I'm so sorry and I was like hell yeah girl you fight the power fight the man it was a little preview of what was to come and then I remember deciding that on that big emotional day for you because we just didn't see each other as much then and it was like well I'm getting one -on -one face time with my best friend in the cafeteria in the cafeteria I believe it was an au bon pain I was eating a chocolate croissant that is right and I was like perfect time to tell her I'm pregnant and then I screamed or cried or both both

and in hindsight I'm like way to make the day about yourself Allison good job but it was more like I'm seeing you and so I need to tell you it was perfect it was perfect yeah she was a little trooper and so were you you've always been a trooper do you want to go let's go back in time let's do the Allie and Michael I was Allison then no one called me Allie then which is weird that you call me Allie now yeah I feel like did I call you Allie towards the end of our time working together yeah because I think I had started but no one at Dance Spirit really called me Allie and now you all do which is funny

um I'll let you tell it okay what did life look like for Michael and Gi oh yes at the time yeah so I was at BYU and it was my third third year on Cougarettes, which is BYU's dance team.

So good. So good. Thank you.

Like one of best dance teams in the country.

Um, so we, Ali was writing a story for dance spirit on dance team captains and reach out to my coach, Jody Maxfield, and asked to speak to the senior captain and Jody connected us.

And I think we had a, maybe a series of interviews.

I don't know why i don't think it was just one interview for some reason i feel like one of us was in a car that probably is right i feel like because maybe it was over was it over christmas i think it was yeah that's maybe i was i think it was over christmas and i don't know i feel like i was driving home from our bowl game i think maybe we had been in the bowl game it was just a phone interview yeah something like that phone interview and instant connection and well first to your coach i was like michael and they were like it's a girl it's a girl okay i just wasn't sure are yes I have always

been Mike the girl yeah yeah but people a lot of people call you Michael Ann growing up right um I think my mom tried really hard to make that stick but everyone has always called me Mike yeah um but as an adult everyone calls me Michael pretty much um I think really what happened there was in high school when you kind of get to start over and teachers were like what do you want to be called because every time I had told someone my name is Michael it was always what yeah there was never comprehension and where if I just said Michael they still said what but they at least knew what I said do you

know any other women Michaels have you ever there's my fourth grade teacher was named Michael Ann stop did you have a connection did she were you her favorite I'm sure no I don't know about that but um no she like it was so emotional for her when she got her class list and she saw there was a little girl in her class named Michael Ann um I would love to see her teachers um yeah I've met a few over the years but it's it's not common you know in the spelling like mine's traditional Michael you know m -i -c -h -a -e -l like that's not you know you don't see a lot of girls like that usually it's a little

bit funkier but people will often be like Michaela oh yeah yeah so um so yeah anyway back to the story um we met and or on the phone instant connection and then you must have followed up for photos and stuff like that.

And then I knew that I was moving to New York city because I was engaged, which I am a child bride.

Um, but my husband was working in New York city and, um, so I knew that I was going to move there and Allie had my absolute dream job.

And I, I reached out to you and asked if they had internships and um yeah it's kind of I applied for the internship had no business getting that internship that's not true were you a journalism major no I mean I was your major I was a humanities and English major okay English though I mean you were it was rough but you had the dance background I had a dance I would say I had I had skills skills that were harder to find in like i did not have the writing skills but the other part of it like people that i knew and like the background that i had that was part of it too it was wait it was helpful

yeah you were you came in so well connected like being from utah being a competitive dancer going to the competitions that you went to yeah like you came in and you were like oh my friend julianne and i was like what you know julianne half you are friends with her um you you were very very tapped in and you had a lot of expertise that no one else on staff did like I was a dance team girl but very different yeah like what mine looked like was very different you also were probably I mean we all had different skills so I won't even compare but like you're a good dancer you're still a good dancer

thank you not me sending you videos still yeah not me making me not me on that trip to Utah with your girls when I flew out with them and I was like can you do a side aerial and you did it and you were injured for like six months after yes but I have thoughts about that it's because I had given birth recently and I think my pelvis was all messed up probably because I can now do an aerial again prove it I I will okay we'll do it after we record I don't want to mess up the equipment I have video evidence um because I did it recently and filmed it I did two fouette turns two nights ago in my kitchen

and almost threw up fun fact about that so I well I'm opening a dance studio so now I am dancing all the time where I took a long break and so when I initially started getting back into teaching and trying to do turn sequences I felt like I needed to take Dramamine yeah before I taught because I would feel so sick and it wasn't because I wasn't spotting or I was doing things incorrectly I think your center changes maybe as you age as you have babies have four kids and yeah they'll do it but but but I'm feeling better now like I can do I can do all of that again without feeling like I need to run

to the bathroom and throw up but um it's just kind of wild getting older and oh my gosh I know but you're doing great um and I want to get back to talking about the studio but let's go back to you get the job well you get an internship I got an internship yes and um that that was amazing.

Like we had the dreamiest office.

So we would go into the conference room.

They were like the most amazing views.

All of the young women working for Dan spirit were like these beautiful, smart, talented women.

And just like a few years older than me.

And it was, it was a dream.

And I knew that I wanted to be part of it.

And luckily a job opened up on Dan spirit.

And I was so excited to apply.

I apply, there's this massive edit test. Like I think it took me 10 hours I hated even handing that it was horrible and I think there were three of us maybe that took the edit test you yeah it was okay I remember yeah you Katie Rolnick and then I want to say her name was Alyssa maybe because she applied for a job a bunch of times and I loved her and she kept getting second she kept not getting high and I like we wanted her on the team so bad but we were so lean we had five editors yeah if that nothing yeah so yeah so So that we like laugh about that because I did not get the job, which someone

who has like a master's from NYU went to Princeton.

No competition there.

Katie Rolnick, you're a star.

She is a star. Why did you ever work at Dance Spirit?

Yeah. The whole time we were like, you should be working at The New York Times.

Like you're so smart.

Yeah. But after that, I don't know if I asked you if I could keep interning.

I don't even know how that worked.

But anyway, you're like, can I keep giving you free labor?

and we were like yeah that was before New York City made companies pay their interns which is just such a joke thank you Chris for bankrolling my nine month unpaid internship unreal um thank you Chris yeah thank you we love you um but I so I after that I I just I started a fashion internship and um which actually ended up being great it was super fun we did so I was under Lauren Levinson who is lovely and amazing and went on to do great things beyond dance spirit but I you know was working doing all the photo shoots and then Lev decided to leave and she take a different job and so that job opened

up you asked me to apply for it and I was like I did yeah but then I was like I don't know if I want to do that test again can I have yours yeah I didn't want to apply for the job because I was like I don't want to do a 12 hour edit test to be told no and you were like please do it and I think the other girl also applied she did that job I remember I feel so bad um but at that point I don't think my skills were any better but I had won the friendships you also well everyone really you were like really fun to have at the office you were like a good value add um fashion was also a really good fit

for you yeah right it was great at that point you had tried like as an intern you get to try a lot of different things and this felt like I get to play dress up and you got to pick the models and you knew the industry like you were yeah that was a good well it was a good fit because then like as we're taking photos like I had a really strong technical background so I'm like okay you need to tweak your hips this way turn out here you know as we were working with the models and getting the right photos and um because it was so much more than just picking the clothes and the outfits and the concepts

it was like we need to make sure all of these photos are technically correct oh they had to be perfect and planning the shoots and those were the best it was so those were always my it was so fun um we would do cover shoots and i was like michael should be at this one i i need to be there um think about some of the people that we worked with yeah ariana Anna DeBose, Tate McRae, who is now a global pop sensation.

Like I'm pretty sure I wrote a profile about her when she was like 11.

When she was very young.

Although you should know page.

Yeah. Like we, you had a, you did a great job picking those.

You should know. So all of those kids grew up to do amazing things.

That was one of my favorite parts of the job was going to NYCBA and jump and then dance awards nationals in the summer and watching all those young outstanding dancers and be like, that one's going to be a star.

That one's going to be a star.

I did like a fashion buzz with Ariana DeBose and I can like perfectly remember she was so kind.

She was, she was like telling me about her skincare routine and we're going through her closet.

And she's like telling me, talking like we were friends and she is so massively talented.

And I'm like, that's why she's gotten to where she is because she has the talent, but she's also the kindest person.

And it didn't matter like where we were.

she was we could have been the lowliest magazine ever she treated us with we were we were we were but it was it was so great yeah yeah we loved it we had the dream do you remember this is such a self -indulgent question but I'll I'll return it for you um what were your first impressions of me that is such a good question I always felt like you were you you did a very good job of being like so kind and so fun in really bringing the team together but also being our boss like our relationship wasn't the same then as it is now because you did a good job of helping me like calling me out when i was we

were not best friends then no like we had a great rapport but we and i were like you and katie we're very good friends yeah um and i got promoted and then i had no friends yeah we couldn't be friends with you anymore i know i didn't get to go to the team team lunches because I had to like walledies.

Walledies was a problem for me.

Always hurt your stomach. I never made it back from the office after walledies.

I feel like you couldn't eat anything with corn in it.

No, still can't. Yeah.

I was like, does that have corn?

Yeah. Walledies was a real problem for me.

Um, I would go to the stinky salad place that you wouldn't go to.

Oh yeah. Cause you smell gross.

We smell gross. Gigi salad.

Yeah. Um, no, you know, I, I think I I wanted to be your best friend, but understood and respected that there was a line there.

Don't worry. Someday you'll take me to chemo.

Someday you'll shave my armpits.

Someday. Don't worry.

Future's bright. No, I don't even know.

I think that shift kind of happened maybe when we were both really sick.

I think about that shift happened when I was on medical leave and we were neighbors.

Do you remember the day that you picked up my prescription from Dwayne read and i opened the door and i remember what i was wearing my little purple champion shorts my tiny shorts that they were fall i opened my door and you burst into tears yeah it was i and i was it was it was a crone's flare and i was very sick it looked like you needed to be hospitalized like you shouldn't be home i was so sad and obviously i was very emotional because i think i was was i still pregnant this would have been maybe 20 postpartum no you were not postpartum yet.

This was 2012. I think I was on medical leave. Yeah.

2012 or 2013, 2013.

I came back and then left. Yeah.

But I think it was when I was pregnant still, like, I think we were both very sick, but we were living on the same street at the time and we would go for walks and it was really great.

Um, but it was kind of the same thing that's happened, you know, where you get so sick, so depressed, you know, you don't want to answer the phone.

And I'm in at that time I i was so young i think i would push harder now i didn't want to push too hard to force you because you're like michael like the anxiety that you had walking up to do the loop in central park i couldn't even leave my apartment you could not leave and i think that was probably a turning point in for in just like our personal relationship yeah i would agree and you brought me my medicine and it was so helpful it was like the one like i didn't want to ask for anything yeah um and we we were both so i was still at dance spirit you were you were still at dance i was still at dance

spirit oh because we weren't supposed to talk about work while i was on medical leave and you come over and tell me everything that's happening all the tea yeah and i was like i gotta get back there yeah that was also that that was hard for me but anyway now i'm sick again so let's bring us to the current time my first impression of you was that i thought you were very cool i was like she's like but you were the captain of like one of the best dance teams in the country like very very well respected, clearly from like a really lovely community.

You had all these sisters, which I just always wanted sisters.

You now have them too.

Yeah. Yeah. They've seen me at some special, special moments.

Um, so yeah, I just, we definitely had an instant bond.

I think part of it was because we were like the dance team girls in the office.

We were the competition dancers.

Um, and there's always that, or there used to be just such a rift between like the ballet and modern dancers and the comp dancers of we're all trying to prove that that were all worthy.

Um, but we had an amazing team like that going into work every day for a long time was so fun.

We would talk about our outfits and our boy problems. Yeah.

Husband problem. You know, it's so interesting.

I actually look back.

Um, so Chris and I, this is a wild story.

Um, we like we're dating and engaged for two years, but never lived in the same city, which is wild now that I think about that.

Spoiler still married for still married to her kids.

It's okay. It all turned out fine so far.

No. Um, but you know, we got married and I moved to New York and we were living in the same city.

Chris is in finance, was working a million hours, like getting up at six working till midnight.

Um, and it was a really hard transition.

Like he was dealing with some mental health issues and had obviously, we hadn't lived together.

We had never been in the same city.

And like, it was really, really difficult.

And I often look back at that time and I, and I wonder, I'm like, how did I, how did I make it through this?

I had moved to New York city.

I didn't know anyone besides Chris.

And it was because of dance spirit.

Like it became like, that's what got me through.

We had probably three really tough years.

Those for everyone talks about their honeymoon phase of their marriage.

I'm like, wait, what?

Yeah, you skipped that.

You got it later. You'll get it.

No, but I remember being so angry at him because he would leave the dry cleaning plastic stays that they put in the collar stays, and they would be all over the floor of our apartment.

I knew you were going to tell this story.

And the rage. Obviously, there was a lot more going on than this, but the rage I would feel.

and i remember coming into the office one day and i think i perched on the edge of your desk and i was like the collar stays what is going on with these collar stays and i remember you telling me that you talked about that and then margaret had the same thing with alan and we were like they all do it and it was such a what was it where did i put them do you remember so funny i was like i am not taking these to the trash but i will stuff them in your shoes but it was a really big turning point for me like in my marriage to to recognize like I get to make the choice of whether I'm going to let this ruin my

day or not like am I going to ruin my marriage over these like in it was just a moment where I had to learn to let go of the things that didn't matter yeah and like obviously there are things that matter that you cannot let go of but it was just so wonderful to have a support system where we could come in and I think at that point we all just started laughing about oh yeah like there's the things that men men do and then but also like talking about the wonderful things that they do and like why we wanted to be with them we're still looking for that for you just kidding no um but it helped me focus

on the positive yeah and um to have like it was basically like having a sleepover like every morning girl talk every single morning the outfits we would come in and we would literally all gather and we'd be like oh Oh my God.

You look so cute. You look so cute.

Where's that from? It was on sale.

It has pockets. I remember being like, Margaret, I think you should get bangs.

Guess what? Margaret got bangs.

Best haircut I've ever seen.

Rocked them. Looked so good.

Yeah. Margaret, do you still have bangs?

Do you have bangs right now?

Margaret, are you listening to this?

Margaret, do you miss us?

We love you. Margaret, I live in fear of your green pen.

Thank you for all the edits over the years.

You truly made us all better writers.

And that's why you are still a writer for the New York Times.

that is so true oh margaret made us all better oh so much better we had everyone brought so much to that team see we could just talk about dance spirit um let's talk about cancer i guess oh i guess okay oh oh oh we can't skip over this okay michael's first race oh yeah yeah my first race you ran a race in central park i also like i don't i thought i was training for this race you did running around this is when we moved to new rochelle for a hot second yeah in westchester running around downtown near rochelle and then i would send you selfies and my face would be so red a little tomato that yeah

um but then we read i think it was like the women's four mile okay at the time it was called the fitness mind body and spirit games i believe four miles in september our dance spirit co -workers came to cheer with signs yep yeah i wore capri pre running pants.

But we ran it together.

Okay. We ran it together.

You did amazing. And then all I remember is at the finish, I was like, I'm going to run ahead to tell them that we were coming.

Cause this was before like tracking and we knew they were at the finish.

And so I wanted to run and be like, guys, Michael's coming.

And I didn't run ahead far enough or you followed me.

And so then I missed your finish and everyone missed your finish.

I like tried to do a thing.

sabotaged my finish absolutely i did not i don't remember that all i remember was just feeling so proud guess how many races i have run since none races no races and you wore a high bun which i also loved i did you had a ballerina you showed up in your pink tank top and your ballerina bun and i was like she's ready obsessed with you she's ready i was like are those it was it was it did feel like a big accomplishment um uh it's like i feel badly saying that i'm not a runner but you are because you run all the time but sure no but I I will be honest dancing kind of messed up my body oh yeah and um

if I run too consistently my hips and my knees hurt really badly but you did that race I did and I was just so excited I was like oh my gosh we're doing this thing together and again this was before like obviously friendship builds over time super friendship um and then we all went out to breakfast together like the EJ's EJ's oh my gosh yeah um yeah it was all of us and all of our partners at the time yeah and it was so fun it was really fun so I wanted to acknowledge that um I did successfully I was kind of sad I didn't get a medal for four miles you want one go upstairs I know go back to the shop

we went shopping this morning what did you get oh my gosh um I got a lot of gooders yep um I got all the like really fun shapes for myself like Allie was like oh I don't know if I will wear this shape I was like are you sure because I'll I will take all of these we had a gooder fashion show and I got some for my daughters so they will be super excited blue ones for Blair pink for Blake and because I'm just gonna put you on the spot for all my ad reads now yeah the first night that you were here as we were laying in bed what did you say and I was like can you be recording this right now seriously

I was was like where did you get these pillows what brand are they where do you have pillowcases no but then i was like do you have a code for me i was like take the pillow home with you i have like 19 pillows on this bed no they're lagoon pillows and then i was like with the pillowcase the pillowcase was as great as a pillow sat in pillowcases chris i'm getting us new pillows because he has asked me and i keep buying them at home goods but why do i why do we sleep on them every night use code ally for 15 that's what i'm gonna do you are worth it it's time yeah so So I'm just here to say, if you

ever come and visit, I will push.

I didn't even push my sponsors on you.

You know, you were just laying there.

Comfy. Natural. You came and supported when in 2011, we were both at Dance Spirit.

And that's when I was getting super into running.

Like I had my little running blog and I was doing all my events and you came.

You came to my I did an event at Jackrabbit Sports to raise money for the upper east side.

Um, and you and Margaret and Kara all came and supported me.

Do you remember like your thoughts on the running community or about like all, or even just all of like, I mean, I, I always felt like I was a little bit envious of the November project community.

Oh yeah. Like that was such a huge part of your life.

And I remember being like, can I hack that?

Like, could I join that?

And I I think that was around the time that I started having babies.

And it got really complicated on trying to leave them in the mornings.

But I always just remember feeling so envious of the friendship, the encouragement, and like how good it feels to get out and move.

Like beyond just the connections that you make, what it feels like to move.

And I remember always being envious and wanting to be part of that.

We do get jealous when the other person makes a new friend.

But they're not your best friend, right?

yeah yeah but how good of a friend like what do you mean why also why why is it because I didn't answer the phone for 10 days um okay so let's get into um maybe some of the cancer of it all sure um first time around because it is worth noting that um you're I mean obviously you've been a supporter of me for a long time but chemo route or not even chemo cancer round one one you came up multiple times yeah so I remember where I was so I was at a tennis lesson with Bennett my he was like what five four at the time and you sent me a text saying hey do you have time to FaceTime sorry and I was like

did you think I was pregnant no I don't know if I can say what I actually thought it was oh I was like oh oh, I'm just finishing a tennis lesson.

Give me a second. And then you're like, actually, I think you, did I text it?

I don't, maybe I think you just called me.

Maybe you just called me.

I don't feel like you texted it.

Maybe you did. I don't, I don't know.

Mom, can you call Michael?

Yeah. And, um, I think I held it together talking to you on the phone.

I immediately hung up and called Chris hysterical.

And you know, at the time you had just said, there's a lump like we don't know this was 2023 this was the first diagnosis um you said we don't know it could be nothing I don't know how but I knew yeah so did I knew and um I was like like not to make this about me but I was not okay like I was very upset also I'm just gonna say this to you but also to people listening like the point of these episodes is to share the perspective of Of someone, of someone else.

Yeah. Because I talk so much about what it's like going through it, but like this affects all of us.

Yeah. So I don't want you to like not be honest about what it's like to be in the role that you're in.

Like, that's, I think people that, cause the majority of people listening to this are, are you, they're not me, they're you.

So, you know, of course I, I called Chris and he's at work in the city and I think he's like, uh, do you need me?

It's like, like, do you need me to come home?

Yeah, exactly. Because we now live an hour outside of the city.

And he was like, I don't know what's happening.

And then of course I call my sisters who live 2000 miles away.

They're like, we got this.

She's, you know, like just, you know, um, I think, you know, I have had my own support people to support you, which sounds so weird, but I really try to rein it in, you know?

And I think even like Jackie and Connor and I have a text group group outside of how, like what we're going to say to you.

Oh yeah. No, I'm not on a single text group anymore except my Wordle text.

Everyone has kicked me off.

We love you. I love you too.

Yeah. Um, but I think like even the support people need support people, right?

Because I need to be able to break down, but I don't want you to see that, you know, and, and you have seen me cry, but I I think for the most part, I think we try to really keep it together.

And, um, I did, I, I felt I did really well that whole first go around.

So, you know, we, so Allie was getting the mastectomy.

You were getting the mastectomy.

You are. And, um, I came up, we, I think I was what?

Two days. You came up, I think the day after surgery.

No, you were a little later.

Cause Mary and Christine came first. Yes.

And then you came after that.

Also, I was a day late.

Do you remember why?

i sat in traffic for three hours oh my god it was so bad so bad so bad i sat in traffic on the merit i live in connecticut didn't even go like 15 miles just turned around yeah and i was like i'll drive in the morning i think i got up at like six and it was so much better yeah and it was fine yeah and um so note to self don't do that yeah um i came up and you know we had a really good time but Allie was, you were going through a lot of hard things and there was, you know, not that we want to get into any of this, but you know, you and Brian were figuring things out and how that was going to look.

And it was really heavy and the cancer and the mastectomy.

And I left, which now I'm realizing how much I have cried to Chris, but I drove, I was really upset driving home home from your house and I walked in my house and broke down I just I it was it didn't feel like one person could take on that much and we only knew what was to come yeah seriously um so yeah so I I was out for the mastectomy and then I think I was the second chemo yep you came for round two yes um but also we skipped over a lot of the round one stuff and I know I think think I've shared some of it but like you know I meant for a second no chemo no mastectomy mastectomy when you were here

for the mastectomy yeah you were in the you gave me a sponge bath you helped me shave my like I couldn't move you couldn't move lift your arms um you yeah you helped me shave my legs you washed my hair for me like I couldn't lift my arms we laid in bed that was was that when we watched never have i ever yes oh it was so really great we just spent a lot of time in bed we spent a lot of time just lounging yeah and honestly we went for a little walk it's so funny because you know when it's like oh you like gave your best friend a sponge bath or whatever all this stuff it was it was the way that i

felt about that was like the way i feel about my kids right normal it was like you have such a close relationship with the i with a person or i have have such a close relationship with you that it didn't feel weird I never felt awkward I was like no whatever we need to do let's get you ready let's make you feel fresh you gave me a crown braid gross right you feel I felt disgusting I was like had been in the hospital and just laying in bed all day it was summer so sweaty we brought up a plastic lawn chair the plastic when we put it in my shower put it in your shower that was before I had the detachable

showerhead yeah my my dad eventually installed a detachable shower head so i could wash my hair yeah um scrubbed your hair scalp massage you give me the best head massage yeah um but it's like those little things i think that that's not a little thing that is a huge thing you know what maybe to you but to me i was butt ass naked with no and remember that was before i had looked i didn't want to look at my scars and my bandages i wasn't ready i think i was the first one to look look at them I was nervous about that because I don't I get a little queasy but it was okay you would arrange my pillow

the pillows that you ordered for me my recovery pillows which I think at least 10 different women now have used those pillows I pass them around I hate that I have that many people but you may have needed them yeah they they've gotten passed around and they're the one thing I always ask for back because they first of all I looked up after you sent them to me how much they cost um and it's an expensive pillow set but those pillows saved me because yeah getting in and out of bed is hard and that's one of my biggest recommendations but they're expensive and you're already paying for so anyway um

those have like made the rounds to a lot of women in need um so yeah okay and then you came back up for the bell ringing which was really special to have you here for that that was a big day and um that was really fun yeah you you are someone who has and especially even more so now um you have four children young children you are opening a business right now hype it up oh thanks um yeah I am opening a dance studio in Stanford Connecticut connect dance project yeah am I giving like the whole spiel well I just want people to go there but also like what type of studio is it yeah so we have competition audition dance

but um we also have like little ones we have a whole young dancers program we have mommy and me classes we have recreational classes if you just want to come to be social and have a good time um but yeah really strong focus on very technical training and it's going to be great we're super excited so if you have uh children you should send them Fairfield County or Westchester County please come yes and I'm gonna code Allie for 10 % off oh my god stop you just said that out loud can you imagine no I'm not I'm dead serious okay we'll talk or just do whatever you want um what I love about you and the way

that you show up for me is that you you know everyone brings their own ways of supporting and I've loved getting to talk about this a little bit of like what each person in my life brings and you always bring the sparkle you have a bedazzler you bedazzled shirts for the bell ringing um but like you were the one that i came to when i was like i think i might like i don't know if i can cold cap through this this is a three year thing this isn't four rounds and you're done and i do want to try to feel like myself throughout this for a lot of reasons um and i went on a whole rant already about this this week

but like Like, what can we do to preserve some of my, like, yes, it's my physical appearance, but like that plays into your mental health so, so, so much. So like, what can we do?

And you've always been the person that I've gone to with that.

Um, you know, you've done all the research about the cold caps, um, both times around, it was you that we went to first to say, can you research this?

Can you look into it?

And you do all of that.

And I hate putting things on you.

You have so much going on.

and your plate's very full um and like you're the one I trust the most to tell me what my options are for my hair for hey um there's things called toppers or we can look into wigs and here's what that might look like and here's what you will and won't like about like you know me so well yeah um and so it's been I feel like you're I don't want to this sounds like it's downplaying and it's not but like you're like my beauty guru in all of this yeah which is funny because I don't I don't even know that I'm like that much in I'm into beauty for myself that much. But, um, but I do think that that is something

that someone that is far away from you can easily take on because you, you know, we live about three and a half, four hours apart.

So I can't be here for the day to day, which is, it's hard, you know, and being able to do research, like a lot of us can do research. And a lot of it is just taking the time to read, to call, to ask questions.

and to really figure out what the options are and what they look like.

There's so much available on the internet.

And honestly, social media is almost better than anything else.

The amount of videos that I've watched of other people, which I'm sure people are sending the videos that you're doing.

Well, that's why I'm trying to do it.

It's so much more helpful, helpful.

And honestly, I have a friend from high school, which I don't even know if I've told her.

So she had, had hers is a little bit different, but very similar to cooler heads.

And I, she did like a whole series of stories and I watched like three hours of her cold capping experience in a hospital setting with the machine, um, as opposed to when we did the penguin cold caps.

And I was like, okay, this looks so much easier that it felt like it was something we could do for a indefinite period of time.

And as the patient, I need that.

I need to know that you feel good and comfortable with the system because you are all the ones who are doing it.

I'm just the potato in the chair.

So to know, and Jackie said it, Connor said it, and now you said it.

This has been a resounding takeaway.

And Penguin was great.

The results with Penguin were great.

And that's your only option.

do it great if you can if you have the resources great um but to be at one where the hospital Dartmouth now has a partnership with cooler heads they send Lauren the rep obviously and and yeah it just plugs in it's an easier day for me but also knowing it's an easier day for my support staff staff yeah support staff I you're still my boss just came out of my mouth you're my support squad.

Um, knowing it's an easier day for you gives me so like it drops my shoulders.

I have to tell you, it's not even just, it's, it's not even comparable.

It's not even just easier.

Like it was a completely different experience.

Yeah. Cause it starts and we don't have to change.

Like it's, it, I'll be honest, it's very stressful.

Like you are on the clock.

You're worried about the temperature of the caps.

You know, at one point we got them too cold and And then we're sitting on them trying to warm them up.

And I was so stressed.

So stressed that you're trying to get on gloves because you're handling dry ice.

Did you pick up the dry ice?

And I don't want to make it sound like it's not doable because it's absolutely doable.

And we did it. It was stressful.

I wouldn't have done that system for my protocol now.

No, it just isn't doable.

It also, they felt they hurt me more.

They felt because more because you're changing them constantly.

Whereas we're ripping like your head and your neck side to side.

and so I don't sleep the whole time.

Yeah. You couldn't sleep where the cooler heads.

So basically the prep that I did, I did a lot of prep.

We did a lot of practicing for Penguin, um, with cooler heads.

I probably spent about an hour ish watching the videos and they are very thorough.

I felt really prepared going in to chemo day.

And then, you know, I obviously I had Lauren there helping, but i i felt very confident that i could do it and when lauren left i was totally fine to shut it all down you know do the ending by myself and i know nothing i know how it feels to have it on my head and i watched the tutorials jackie and i took the quizzes i aced the quizzes jackie got a question wrong jackie um she claims she's mensa okay well i'm cooler heads mensa um so So I need to know that whoever is with me, like, and I did feel like the day before I felt like I was being pushy and I was kind of like, have you watched the tutorials?

Like, can you watch them?

Are you going to watch them?

Cause I just like, I wanted to make it clear that I don't know shit about what we're about to do.

And I'm going through it and like, I know enough, I know how it feels, but like, I need to feel confident that my support person isn't winging it.

Like, And that's a lot to ask.

Sit and watch these tutorials that you can't watch on 1 .5 speed.

You cannot change the speed.

Know that. You are in it.

We have some feedback for cooler heads.

We love cooler heads.

And they've been awesome.

They're like customer support, obviously.

Lauren, who's been at my appointments, we're so deeply obsessed with.

This episode of the Allie on the Run show is brought to you by New Balance.

One more ad read for the New Balance Fuel Cell Rebel V5.

V5. The Rebel V5 is New Balance's big summer launch, which is why everyone is talking about it.

I was talking to one of the New Balance tracksters, shout out Tyler, when I was at the launch event in Miami this past weekend.

And he was telling me that the Rebel is the New Balance shoe that consistently gets the best, most resounding feedback after every upgrade.

How's that for a testimonial?

People are picky. People don't like when their shoes change.

I know. I have my favorites.

And when they come out with a new version, I'm always a little nervous because I love this shoe so much but with the Rebel people consistently say that each upgrade now on its fifth version is better than the one before Michael and I went for a walk this morning guess what shoe I wore wouldn't it be weird if I was like the 1080 no and I love the 1080 but obviously I wore the Rebel V5 it is made for running fast that's what this shoe is all about it's really light it has a roomy toe box for me it's one of those shoes that just fits so well and feels so good to put on I walk in it every day that I

could get out for a walk it is my favorite you might love running in it you might love it as a walking shoe you might love trying to juggle with it I know I've been there but I think you should give the rebel a try and see how it feels to run your way in the rebel v5 see what all this hype is about go to newbalance .com slash running to check out all the goods including the just released new balance fuel cell rebel v5 now let's get back to Michael Bailey okay so let's get to this round yeah can you speak to as my support person for this one and as we've talked about like what your life looks like

what did you have to do to be here for these two days two and a half days with me so this is funny um you know we have an email chain when the when the, the, the, the first four chemo dates came out, the second the email dropped in my inbox, I texted Connor and Jackie.

I was like dibs on July 22nd.

And then I was like, Oh, that was a little aggressive.

Like calling dibs on chemo day.

I was like, I don't mean to call dibs, but actually, yes, that's mine.

Um, I'm sorry. I'm realizing I should have something underneath.

No, it didn't think.

Okay. Um, but, um, so I knew for what, like about a month more, more six weeks that I was going to come up this day and it actually worked out great for me because I have a really wonderful dad and he flew from Utah to Connecticut picked up my oldest three children um and flew them back to Utah to be with my parents and my in -laws so they are having like the best cousin week of their lives and then I have my wait I also can I I'm sorry to interrupt but i want to point out the fact that you um you and chris and your four children and the business you're opening and his full -time job where he commutes

every day to work you have no family near you but but that's why i asked like of what you had to do to make this but like for your kids to be out there while you're here and chris is still working like you you have a dad who flew out so we sent yeah my dad is a saint and he he worked around like a work trip flew then came you know came to our house picked up the kids took them to Utah and then I still have my little three -year -old Brooks at home with us so um we have a great babysitter that we love and she just graduated from high school so she has been coming at 8 a .m and you know Chris does

the handoff Chris you know gets Brooks up gives him dressed and gives him to Lindy and then Lindy has been in sending us the cutest I think Brooks is overnosed on ice cream Brooks is the happiest kid in the world right now happiest kid in the world Lindy is like talented and beautiful and fun and amazing and I am pretty sure Brooks is gonna be in love with her for his entire life um but you know she's taking him to the beach she took him to Chick -fil -a she took him to Stu Leonard's to see all the like animatronic animals yeah when I asked him how he was doing he's like I saw the chickens they

sing so everyone's fine everyone's doing great so he's doing that and then she has them until um I think Chris has been trying to wrap up around six and then he's been taking over and then texting me every night being like do you have the numbers that you want me to run for the studio like just and I'm sending him to the studio to pick up contracts you were on work calls the whole way up here yes I did I did I thank you to all the parents that were willing to like it was a little bit in and out um with service but I I was on work calls the entire way the whole drive so it was a little exhausting

but it it made it go quickly and um but I am I you know even when I don't I don't think I've ever told you this but when you got the second diagnosis um womp womp Allie was ghosting me and I knew something was up up kind of my move with you I know and I got a call from Jackie and oh I knew that yeah and Jackie filled me in because I said what's going on like I knew something was going on and um you know it was funny like I I'm glad that we started with that I never think you're mad at me like our I'm secure enough in our relationship that I know she's not mad at me I've ever been But I had missed

the big 40th birthday party.

Oh my God. And this, that was devastating for me.

And Allie knew from the beginning when she planned it, it was the day of my daughter's 10th birthday party.

And we were having a surprise party for her at our house in Connecticut.

And I just could not make the timing work.

Well, I told you right up front.

I was like, listen, I know that this weekend you won't be able to be there and we'll do.

But like, it was devastating for me that I had missed this 40th birthday party.

And it wasn't that fun.

with every, I can't even, it wasn't that fun as I'm looking at pink streamers.

Um, um, so then with, you know, after that, I knew that we had talked about some medical stuff going on, but then it was complete radio silence.

And I was like, what's happening here?

And I didn't think you were mad.

I knew you weren't mad, but I knew something was going on.

So I, Jackie called me.

she said there are two people that you didn't want to know right away do you know who they are you and my mom yep and she said she doesn't think you're gonna take it well and I was like are you kidding no um I I didn't I I think I took it as well as I could same fine um mostly being like no like we're we can do this.

Um, but I called my sisters, my sisters are like my people, you know, and both of them said to me, we will do whatever it takes so that you can be with Allie as much as you possibly can.

So I had those two say that and granted they live 2000 miles away and they were like, we will fly out there.

We will do whatever it takes so that you can be there for Allie.

and then I told my two business partners who are very much like family at this point that I was going to need to be away on a few Tuesdays and they both said to me whatever you need they were so supportive they knew that I was up here they both sent me texts yesterday saying like you can do this you've got this whatever you need um one of my business partners which is kind of hilarious is a veterinarian oncologist so even though she treats like animal cancer she knows all the drugs so she was like what's the protocol I want to know like methodexamethasone methodexameth, meth, meth, honestly at this point

I know we might be willing we wouldn't know um but just like I think I talked about a little bit this a little bit with this with you earlier but the support people need their support people and that's the way that it works but it's been the best week and um you know i'm really glad that i got to be here should i read my opening paragraph again because i do think that it was profound and profound yes um all right so you got up here we can skip through some of this um you drove up here we caught up i was in the the middle of recording my completely unhinged episode that I can't take back.

You watched the cold capping videos.

You convinced me to door dash my groceries.

Allie, you had never had groceries delivered.

I thought you had to go to the grocery store to pick them up.

No, I didn't. I know.

But like it was a big mental shift to get you to do it.

Like, and I know there's services and I know that you can like order them and then go pick them up, which to me never felt like much of a a time saver but like we were just it was all of a sudden it was like five o 'clock we still had a lot we needed to do the night before chemo we had to put eyebrows on and I saw on DoorDash my grocery store and I was like add two cards well you said to me if they have my muffin mix then I will do it and they did they did and I did so that was very exciting uh we DoorDash dinner and groceries and And so again, like people have sent DoorDash gift cards, which is so helpful.

Not only is it so kind and so generous, but like we are using, who folded the blankets in my basket?

That looks beautiful.

So yeah, we DoorDash is really coming in handy.

We're learning that no one wants to cook on any of these days.

The first round with Jackie, I was like, I want to cook a healthy salmon dinner.

And now it's like, we're going to DoorDash a medium healthy salmon dinner.

it's just it's the days are so much longer all of them than we ever think they're going to be um so we had dinner and then we did eyebrows yes anything you want to say trust the process trust the artist trust your brow girl not me no that's not true um so I looked into a bunch bunch of options.

Initially, the second we found out you were going to have chemo again, I said, can we microblade?

And I started researching somewhere anywhere in this area where you could get the microbladed, realized pretty quickly you were going to have to go to Boston.

And there, there was just no time.

Yeah. So you, it's, it's, it's advised that you not because microblading is tattoos and it can cause risk of infection.

You are not, you don't get it during chemo yeah it's like pretty off limits I think most places if they know you're going chemo won't do it for you and also your oncologist like they don't want you to do it we did speak with mine yesterday about this knowing I'm on this three -year protocol my eyebrows have pretty much mostly fallen out and because it's summer they're lighter yeah and my skin's a little tanner except for the spot that's now missing from the moleskin but we did ask her like is microblading an option she said no we said is there anything else you recommend and she was like coming

to terms with your appearance um but she also then said let's let's table this like it was it was i don't feel like she basically said she didn't say no flat out she was like we need to have a lot of information yeah and she said let's look into the healing time and see if it would be possible for your brows to be healed in a break between one of the chemo rounds so i think this is something we're going to revisit for sure, but it's finding the right micro like brow artist to do it.

And that maybe it has worked with somebody, you know, that's going through chemo or cancer patients before, and then also getting your oncologist on board and making sure that everyone feels good about it.

Yeah. But I think, you know, something that you and I have talked about when you're on a three year treatment plan, like you have to find a way to live still.

And oh my gosh, even just like at first I know I was like jump scare by these little tattoo on eyebrows and now I'm just like it makes you look human like the eyebrows alone are like not that you didn't look human you know I know but like last week I was at a lowest point for a lot of reasons but part of it was it was this sudden change for what I saw in the mirror and despite everyone in my life being like you're not puffy you look great my mom was like I see a few eyebrows but like it's how I feel and it makes such a difference and so yeah now to like have these eyebrows i'm just like whoa like

i look like i kind of look like me again yeah um i mean i want to talk a little bit about appearances yeah so i think we all preach that it's not about what you look like like we i think we're all doing a good job with that as we raise daughters right then it is so important to recognize that it is not all about your appearance but i think we can every one of us can say that when you don't feel good about anything on your body like i think we all at some point want to be like oh like well at least i got great eyelashes today or like oh like you know whatever even if you're having a terrible hair

day like whatever it is always you need you need something to help you feel like you can take on the world that day yeah and if it's tattoo eyebrows like that's okay.

That's fine. We can tattoo eyebrows onto your face each day.

Yeah. Well, now it's going to be up to me to do them and I'm not super confident.

But again, we laughed so hard. Laying here, letting you tattoo eyebrows on, finding the right shape, the right placement.

One was a little high, a little low.

I was like, ooh, that's a little crooked.

But again, there's so few people that I would let do that to me and I just had full trust in you.

And they're temporary.

The ones that I have on now will be gone by tonight.

night yeah um and i'm not gonna have them on every day but it's kind of one of those things that's like okay now we have these little things that you found on amazon like if annie has some like a social thing and i'm gonna be around people and i want to feel a little normal let's get some eyebrows on um and also if anyone listening has other suggestions like yeah we are super open i don't want to be filling them in with pencil every day there's not quite enough to do that that i don't want something i'm gonna have to redo every single day like i'm you know i don't know i know some people have recommended

henna as a potential option um i can't do anything that's like needles or invasive right now um but again if you've been through it or know someone who has like we're we're all ears um okay we've been talking already for such a long time because we are us um if i were to ask you oh and then we stayed up late watching the summer i turned pretty and it was like watching it with someone who has literally no senses and so that was fun what they say okay who's that stop how many is this a flash forward I was like who are you you guys stop okay so we had gotten ready for bed and I had taken my contacts

out and I didn't bring my glasses and we were in your bed and the fan we had I asked you so many times if you could hear okay and you're like yeah i was also really tired so i also asked you if we should turn it off i know but the fan the ceiling fan was going and so was the window i know the temperature was great the temperature felt amazing so we slept in the same bed obviously that goes without saying right i have a guest room thank you helix mattress oh we have to do your height before you leave oh yeah can't forget that um we always sleep in the same bed yeah hell yeah um but i i couldn't

see and i I couldn't really hear and I had kind of forgotten what had happened in the last season yeah no it was I loved and I was tired so I had already watched it it was a great combo I was like wait it's three years later what yeah but team Conrad yes for sure so we stayed up late because the next day was a big day yeah chemo round three all right so if I were to ask you chemo round three three high point and low point what do you got okay should we start low so we can end high love that um I don't know if you realize this but when we were driving up to Dartmouth we were listening to Taylor Swift

Long Live came on and you were like oh and then this part of the song when she talks about like if I had the oh yeah yeah to force us into a goodbye yes I was not well like Like it was not, I was not okay.

You didn't see me cause you were watching the road, but like tears.

And I think it was just, it was really emotional because I don't really let myself go there.

And, um, you know, there's been a couple of those moments where, you know, usually we just laughed it off, but then when the reality hits of like what, what some diagnosis is like this mean?

And I, I, you know, I think we are so positive and whatever, but in that moment it was, it was a little bit of a gut punch and I would say that was probably the low point for me and I didn't even know I didn't even come for you I was probably saying I wasn't like this is a low moment I'm crying and I'm like I had the time of my life with you but also like those are those duality moments right yes yes absolutely yeah I think you know it's one of those things where you look back and you're like I don't want to have any regrets yeah but um Um, yeah, that was, that was a little bit of a tough moment

for me just because no, no, there was nothing you could do, but I just, my brain got dark for a minute.

And yeah, I think that that's also another reality is that your brain's going to go dark.

Oh yeah. And you just, you have to, you have to a accept that and be like, be able to move forward and then being like, okay, no, let's, let's get back on the positivity train again.

But like those moments are real.

Yeah. Yeah. The compartmentalization required of all of this is like, it's a lot.

Yeah. Well, especially like, I think because you are such a public figure when people realize how close we are, which, you know, I think people listen to this episode, like I'll have people in town be like, Oh, it's so bad.

Yeah. And I'm like, well, I asked you yesterday, I was like, is it weird when people say to you that I'm such an inspiration and you hear all the F words I say every day.

And like, you've just seen like the worst and the darkest. And then people are like, Allie's so inspiring.

And you're like, let me tell you a story.

Like, um, is that not just part of being human?

Yeah. You know, like I think if you were to ask my husband who sees me every day, be like, Oh, she's so positive.

He's like, yeah, really?

We're all multifaceted.

That is It's true. Um, okay.

High point, high point.

Okay. So I hate, this feels like a little bit of a cop -out, but really the entire three days have been a very high point in the last six months for me.

So starting a business and there's like, there was a lot of emotions around this.

I think, you know, leaving the studio where we had been and all the other dancers choosing to leave that it's just been a very emotional six months and obviously a very busy six months just from a business perspective of you have to sign a lease, you have to create an LLC, you have to do all these things.

I have a lot of parents calling me, asking me hard questions every day.

And I have four kids that have a lot of emotional needs and physical needs and all of that.

And then I have I have a really awesome husband who's trying to keep it together for him, but he also needs me too.

And I need him. So it's just been a lot for me personally in the last six months.

So for me to get to come be with you, kind of, it's a girl's trip, chemo girls trip, chemo would make it fun.

Cancer would make it fun.

Yes. But it's like getting to spend three days with my best friend And without my kids, without anybody that needed me immediately, right?

Like, do I have a list of things I need to do when I get in the car?

For sure. But, you know, again, all of my support people giving me these three days to get to be with you, you know, through the through all of it, you know, through all the cancer stuff at the hospital, through, you know, all of our stuff that we've done here, the, you know, the eyebrows, the the falling into your ice cream.

i was worried about you for a second there i disappeared for a while do you know what it was it was perfect i think i was also yeah yeah i don't know it just was decompressing yeah but it's been it's been a really yeah healing even though yeah i feel that like getting to like hug you like physically hug you okay do you remember our hug last night was it really long it was long it was because we had just laughed and then cried and cried and laughed again and then you got up you were in the bar stools and you came over and you hugged me and I thought it was just going to be like a funny little hug

and you lingered like I did I did a Disney princess hug I waited until no I wait there they wait until the kid pulls away because the whole Disney thing I've read I don't know if this is true but I've read it before that like the Disney hugs and I think Taylor Swift might do it too of like you hug that child for as long as they want I do it with Annie too like I never pull away from a hug and as soon as she does like yes but words to live by yeah and you didn't pull away from that hug for a while and then I felt your tears I am I was like my back is I am a hugger yeah same and I think that was maybe made

people uncomfortable when I first moved to the east coast because I don't think that's very normal out here um we hug yeah but not like unless you know someone really well.

No, I hug everyone.

I told Lauren to get in bed with me yesterday.

I mean, come on. And that was the second time I've invited her.

I almost stood up and hugged her.

And then I was like, is that crossing the line?

Oh no. Lauren. I mean, we love Lauren.

Lauren's a hugger with us.

But I just think hugs are healing for everybody.

Like I think they're hugging, healing for the person giving them and for the person receiving them.

And, um, just getting to hug you in person has just, it's, that's what, that's, this is all about me this is what I needed yes so yeah um no it's what I needed and honestly like you're doing great I know that's your line but it's my line actually I feel like mentally you are better than um couldn't get worse than a week ago I know I know but like the last two days days three days years years you're doing great um no i actually think you're doing you're doing can i make sweatshirts that say you're doing medium or you're doing your best you're doing your best you're doing your best you're trying

you're trying yeah today's a hard day effort noticed yeah most improved most maybe tomorrow maybe tomorrow tomorrow these are all good merch ideas um can I share my high and low points of the day I wonder if you know them um my I mean my high point of the day is always going to be when the helmet deflates and it's done um that you were going to say BLT well it's hard to eat um it's hard for me to often find the high point of the day you know what I did really like when we were back home last night and we were eating dinner with my parents and Bobby and Uncle Gary um and it's just so easy to have you

around my my family it never feels like oh I'm mixing worlds like everyone was just talking hanging out yeah my mom of course is like doing dishes my dad had done I don't know we drove home and I was like why is there a hole in my front yard because my dad was fixing my irrigation system what did I say to we pulled up I go I wonder if my mom planted hydrangeas no a blue hydrangea a blue hydrangea because I want blue hydrangeas no I have a broken sprinkler head and of course my dad's already on top of it and fixing it um but they had dinner here waiting for us when we got got back which is great so helpful

and then but they also knew that like I don't want to hang out all night yeah so it was like respectful we hung out we spent time together got to see my um and aunt Bobby and uncle Gary are Jackie's parents and so it was nice that they're in town um but then they said all right we're gonna leave and it was just like that was really perfect timing yeah that was really nice um it's hard to find other it's hard to find high points of the day from the the hospital because I did have a bunch of low points yesterday my low point of the day which you probably know was walking into the infusion center

so we had just met with the oncologist for like an hour and that was a that was hard for me to just fully debrief on the past three weeks and how hard round two was to relive all of that to figure out what our next steps were which ultimately what we did was we slightly lowered the dose of the N HER2.

We also tweaked the anti -nausea meds.

And I mean, you saw, like, it is so much information.

You have no - Trying to take notes.

Oh my god. You were taking notes.

I was taking notes.

She was taking notes.

You're trying to be present.

You're trying to make sense of it all.

You're trying, like, and I have all my notes about, like, how I'd been feeling and I'm trying to make sure I'm getting them right in a way that it makes sense to her so that she can, like, it was a lot of feeling guilty about like not being more in touch and about how sick I was at like, it was, it's emotional and you don't get to process the emotions because it's, you're like, I'm meeting with my oncologist. I'm yeah.

And she, she was great.

She at no point rushed us.

Like she sat there with us for as long as we needed to.

But that, I mean, that meeting is hard. And that meeting is always the medical oncologist meeting since day one has been the hardest part of the day it's sneaky hard because it's so real well i think you have to be so like blatantly honest about every side effect every thought going through your head like you have to tell them so that they can address it yeah so that was i was so drained after that yeah i'm like editing my i use my laptop a lot i'm like editing my podcast in between every little meeting to just try to get that done and try to do some little bit of work, which felt good to do.

Um, but so then after that, you know, we always think we're going to have time in between these different appointments.

We never do. Um, cause everything just ends up taking a while.

And so we went right from that meeting into, to the infusion center to get chemo.

And I was drained and I was scared.

Like I was very scared about like, what is this next round gonna look like because I can't do another one like that yeah and you know we're making minor changes that we hope are gonna have big effects and of course in my mind I'm like a minor change isn't gonna be enough I feel like I just it's just it's scary the unknown and it's all unknown it's all really scary and so then there was something I don't know what it was but we went into the we met Lauren we from cooler heads I know what it was do you want me to tell you you putting your hands on my knees while I cried the chin strap like I think

it was what was that it's the helmet getting the helmet as soon as the helmet's on and gets cold strap like the second we put that chin strap on because it's it is very restricting put the chin strap on and I think it started to make you feel like I feel sick this is making me feel sick as soon as I walked into the infusion center I felt sick yeah it was knowing that I was about to get the pre -med yeah that puts the yucky taste in your mouth and I was so afraid it was just going to make me sick and And then I was going to be sick the whole infusion.

It's like the anticipation is too much. Yeah.

And so I felt sick right away.

And then because with this cold capping, I have to have wet hair.

So we went into the bathroom, stuck my head in the sink.

The water's cold, so it's not comfortable because the water has to be cold.

And then they put ice on your head.

And that now makes me feel nauseous.

The pre -meds freak me out just because one of them just has a really bad taste in your mouth.

So I am just downing the one thing that helps.

Actually, I want to bring Andy's mints next time because that's better than peanut butter M &M's.

Peanut butter M &M's that like just completely mouth the taste.

Also, my well, my low point of the day, it was before the pre -meds, but it was we were getting the cold cap on.

And I know I just started crying and you stopped what you were doing.

And you came over and you knelt down in my chair and you put your hands on my knees and you just like looked at me.

and I just cried and I just felt like loved and comforted um and I was just like this sucks this sucks I don't want to be here I don't want to do this like the chemo days they just suck even with the best nurses and the best team and great reason like all the support um still all the luck fuck I have it sucks like these days and I I you know the first time I went through this I really tried to power through and be like the chemo days are okay it's fine it's I only have to do it four times this time like I'm here to say I have all the optimism and I do like I work really hard to go into these days

with good vibes because I truly believe in the mental power and these days are are hard and they suck and they're long we woke up at five we were out the door by six we drove the 53 minutes give or take I was flying up there um within the limits oh my god I'm not really doing myself any favors with the driving lately Ellie it's okay so yeah it was it was just it was just hard um my port was pesky yesterday I was like Michael easiest part of the day they're gonna go tap me like a keg it's no problem and then we go in and she males here or ups or someone's here um and they tap that's ellie that you

hear obviously um so they like to access the port for my labs and whatever they la la i'm not gonna have time to edit this episode so you need to get your life together girl um i'm getting a delivery right now it'll be fine and she what what am I talking about?

Oh, Haley was my amazing access nurse.

Cause I get, I still get a little nervous for that though.

Having a port's great to not have to get labs through my veins.

So she lays me down, she taps my port.

And I was like, wow, that was so easy.

And she goes, well, if we get blood return.

And I'm like, that means it's not working.

So she has me like turn on my side.

She has me stand up.

She has me bend over.

She's like having me do all the things that they do.

And of of course I'm just like, is everything okay?

Like, are you gonna have to tap it again?

She was like, no. She explained, she's like, we're going to give you a medication through it.

That's like Drano for your port.

She's like, it just means like a little thing is clogged.

And I was like, is this normal?

She goes, Oh, this happens at least once a day.

Like super normal. She's like, I know exactly what to do.

And I looked at her and go, are you mad at me?

And she goes, what?

I was like, did I mess up my port?

Is it something I did?

Um, so that was just like a little hiccup.

up. It was fine. Met with the oncologist, worked in between, went into the infusion center.

I was in the same chair from week one.

Oh, so this is the other thing.

So I'm in there. I'm getting strapped in.

I'm getting ready. You're standing and you're talking to Lauren.

And all of a sudden you go, oh, a bird. And I go, and we're back.

It is. Well, I also came home to your parents and your aunt and uncle.

And I was like, there's a yellow bird. They're like, you mean a goldfinch?

i'm like i get a little bit more feller knows the names i don't know the names um but it was just so like it was comforting in a way that it's like it is hard having a different support person every time like yeah i'm not gonna lie to you yeah i've thought about this a lot of how nice it must be to have a person that you live with that is your support person throughout something like this the person like when they were like you were so sick why didn't you call and i'm like i couldn't even even lift my head up.

Like, and they were like, well, isn't there someone who can call for you?

I was like my dog. Like, I know I, I don't have that right now.

And, um, and we're working out systems. Like we've already talked about that, but, um, and that's not a complaint.

That's just my current situation.

And, um, I think a lot about how I'm like, man, I will admit, like, I really wish I had a partner to go through this with just someone who is the same person at every every appointment and who sees it and who is consuming exactly as much as I have and who sees me at home and who sees me at night.

And so when the doctor is saying like, well, how did you feel Tuesday night?

I'm like, let me reference my notes.

Oh, my note said worst day of my life, not helpful.

Like someone who could say like, well, that night you seemed kind of out of it, but the next night you had a hot flash at 2 AM.

Like I, it is hard going through this without without a, that person.

I love that I get to see a different friend every three weeks.

That's cool and fun for me.

And it's quality time that I'm grateful for and you know, no complaints there.

And it's onboarding a new person every time.

And it's a lot of communication and we're doing it like we're doing amazing.

Um, but yeah, having to like redownload, um, my dad called the night night before with an instruction for you which was oh yeah to make sure that we went to the art museum and that I saw the art yeah he was so excited to tell you to see the art so we saw some art so then once we were you know strapped in and going nurse Sarah we love nurse Sarah is awesome she's a traveling nurse she's there for six months at Dartmouth and also just how many people like just came over and were like hey Allie oh so many people I've always wanted to be a regular somewhere and I don't drink coffee now you're a regular

at the infusion like I always wanted to be someone who walked into a coffee shop and they're like you want the regular you guys I'm a regular methodexism whatever that is and Mary I want the chicken and rice soup which I did a great job eating with my chin strap on yes I tried to take napkins into your chin strap um yeah I wrote I got sad and sick right away I was quiet Michael put her hands on my knees and let me cry eye both a high and low moment of the day filled with love and then michael immediately sees birds is delighted it's my next note um oh i wrote the feller feeder because i'm very

adamant that like if again should something happen i don't want anything like named after me i don't want a foundation i don't want thing something people have to like donate to every year the only thing i'm okay with being named after me is the tcs new york city marathon alley feller marathon like they can name that after me it's gonna happen but also i don't hate the idea of having a bird feeder named the feller feeder in infusion centers everywhere because we've seen how much joy it does it brings so much and i'm sure everyone sees that but and i want a little sticker telling the birds you're

doing great okay we'll make it happen so that's the one thing that like would be fine um so yeah i hate being a regular there but everyone's so nice we love nurse sarah oh i asked for Ativan because I wanted to get knocked out I was I was not in a good headspace when yeah and it was pretty bad and so she gave me the Ativan and wide awake nothing just wide awake for the entire infusion because we you just didn't want to mess out I didn't and like we were chatting me you and Lauren um and I didn't feel like I was fighting through it like if I had felt like I'd rather be sleeping I would have just

I was fully prepared to go to sleep also with that on your your head you can't hear like yeah you can hear but not like i can hear better than you could hear the summer i turned pretty do you know what sorry i'm sorry so we're a lot of fans okay i want you to be comfortable um but yeah i mean we chatted we got a lot of people that came over and said hi we had fun talking to sarah about like being a traveling nurse and like which cities she likes best she likes portland maine um she was lovely she was great and she had so great she had good energy we had a lot of people just ultra andy we got to

see we got to see nurse devon like i hate being a regular i hate being there and i will say if you are someone who works in one of those settings like you have no idea your kindness to the patient's a huge impact oh my gosh like we we were really well loved yesterday was a really good one with a really good team um you went and got us blts with avocado with avocado um but yeah i mean it all went smooth and then we did have to vacate the chair yeah when the infusion was done which is fine yeah not ideal but they have a it's not ideal i think the hardest part of that is like the drugs really were kicking

in at that point so the infusion's over and i'm trying to pack up all the stuff and And you are not.

Did I help? No. Did I try?

Did I offer to drive?

I think you were kind of like, I'll get it.

Which is why Connor last time was like, should we get her a wheelchair?

And I was like, no. So, I just, I packed up all the bags.

We have the cooler heads.

You have this AMA unit that basically circulates all the fluid.

It's like a little suitcase.

Yeah. You have to like wheel it around.

So, I unplugged it.

We got ready to go.

You did stand up. Like, I probably should have held on to you a little tighter.

um but we walked out of the infusion center and there's like a kind of like a second more open lobby waiting area and we I put two chairs together the end result was basically like a crib converted into a toddler bed yeah yeah and you tucked me that's what you're the best at you're the best at a lot of things and everyone is but like you you are the product of a woman who has swaddled four children because you tucked me in in such it was so loving but also just like you were tucking me in in spots where I was like oh my god like this feels great and then I passed out like I was down you were you

were asleep like I feel like you were barely awake me getting you into the chairs got my nap in but I have a lot of experience putting kids to bed so yeah you You did great.

You fed me water. And then I wake up because we're like so excited.

The unit's counting down.

We're finishing up.

And like if you walked into the Dartmouth hospital and you saw this scene.

Oh, my gosh. Like a woman with a helmet on her head just asleep on here.

You'd be like an astronaut.

And you'd be like, why are they not putting her in a bed?

And I'm here to say it's fine.

You look ill because you're passed out, but you're just tired because you're drugged.

Right. I'm like concerned about Dartmouth's reputation.

well what was actually really funny is I think they were giving some presentation so there was a group of probably what 30 people 20 30 people and like business people not doctors business people they have these little badges they're walking around and I think that they were talking about the aesthetic of the hospital which is hilarious because we like had moved around and it looked like from if you were just to walk into the scene you'd be like what is wrong like Dartmouth doesn't have enough beds for everyone.

Like this woman is so sick.

Why is she in the lobby?

But really we just had to keep the helmet on.

She had to cool her scalp for an additional two hours.

And you know, nurse Sarah was so nice.

She had told us that they had a lot of people coming in for a little infusions and there just wasn't space for us to stay in the chair.

But it was quite hilarious.

What was quite hilarious to me is that I had pushed you back out of the way and you were completely passed out.

And I have a chair kind of by you instead of like like just walking normally down the hall people were cutting over to walk like directly one foot in front of like your little I think they wanted to see I think they were exhibit a I don't know but I'm like this feels uncomfortable why are you walking so close to us yeah I didn't notice I was asleep it's all right yep and then the machine deflates and that's the best part of the day um the moleskin did rip off a layer of my skin yeah and I even with all my sunscreen like I was on vacation last week and so my you know I got a little bit of a tan and it

ripped off the layer of the tan so now I'm shiny and pink like a newborn yeah I have a shiny pink strip across my forehead and brows that are wearing off and I'm just you know it's fine I gotta know where to be doing great I'm never leaving my house again um I do want to do a couple listener questions if that's okay are there any any other takeaways from the day specifically that you want to touch on us laughing hysterically in my bathroom last night i don't even know what that was about i think for me the biggest takeaway is how much easier it was and i don't want to bash on penguin because i

think that those cold caps are fantastic but as the support person like there there was no comparison.

Like I was like absolutely exhausted after chemo, the first go around.

And I actually got home yesterday and I felt great.

I was fine. Yeah. Okay.

We'll do a couple listener questions if that's okay.

Sure. These are like all about the eyebrows.

People just want more about the eyebrows.

But this one's sweet.

What gift of support through all of this do you you give Allie that no one else but you can I answered it from my perspective but I like oh from you um I don't know that's a really hard question what gift do I give you yeah where what I mean I think we talked like where I shared it was about the research like a job interview and they're like what are your best skills your edit test is coming my edit test I care too much I love too hard all those ones yeah um I think that like I probably have a very different personality and background than a lot of your friends and um and probably I don't know

endlessly optimistic and I always I think I offer lots of prayers even though Allie doesn't necessarily do prayers like that's a big part of my life and she doesn't care when I say can I pray I'm like hell Oh yeah.

Send one up for me.

And so I think that that's probably something that makes me a little bit different.

Um, but I, I don't know.

That's a, that's a good question.

Yeah. Um, what's the hardest part for you, the support person that I can't be here all the time.

So I like, there is so much. I, I think that I would like to do if I lived in Hopkinton.

Um, and I feel like I'm just far enough away that it makes it really hard to come all the time.

And, um, I think I feel frustrated often by feeling like the only thing that I can offer is monetary.

Like that feels annoying.

Like I feel like me just ordering and sending you stuff is like, you're, you know, you don't necessarily need all of these things.

Um, but I wish that I could be here physically for you.

Yeah. And just like have a random sleepover that like, even last night we went into bed so late because we just like wanted to keep hanging out yeah even though like yeah we had left the house at six had that long day we got home at 5 30 I believe yeah it's such a long day it's very long but then just like kept hanging out yeah I didn't want to go I didn't want it to end let's see how do supporters care for themselves during chemo days um I think that making sure that you eat and drink something is important and so when I went to get you a sandwich I got myself a sandwich and I got like a strawberry

acai something lemonade I think that was like the best part of my highlight highlight yeah good no no just totally kidding but it was it was um I think just making sure that I was was eating I sat in the sun for a minute and like I like needed to stretch for a second like just make sure that like you get up walk around you know which you did not get to do last time no you could well you can't yeah when you're like those cold caps was yes every 25 minutes right yeah yeah I think that and then also just like prepare yourself I think the fact that I had really watched the videos like I think you

were nervous that I wasn't paying attention attention, but, um, I did, I did watch the videos and I, I felt confident going in because I think confidence is kind of key with all of it.

Even with the eyebrows, you were like, how do you, are you sure?

I was like, yeah, it's gonna be fine.

I was like, are you nervous?

You go? No. And then two seconds later, I brought us to have a really hard job.

No, I'm glad you said that though.

Because for me not to have to worry about any of that, I don't want you to know if I was worried and everyone after the last year, I remember the the emails after last time like I remember Jameson's email that was just like just lie to Allie lie to Allie if you're terrified just tell her you've got this it is because it is so terrifying yeah to do the other ones yeah um if you two had to dance battle in the Dartmouth parking garage what song are we doing oh well I'm not gonna win that dance battle so no what song are we doing though well I'm probably I mean I will tell you do you want to know

what we listened to on the way in remember Britney Spears hit me hit me baby one more time yeah that was good vibes it was good um what makes cold capping so tricky and involved I think that it's because you have to have a really good fit on the cap and it it comes and it's in a flat sheet so when we're putting it on your head you're fitting it exactly to your head and then when you turn it on obviously it fills with the the solution.

So it rises. And so if you have a spot where it's not, there's not like contact being made, the hair is going to fall out.

It's not going to get the follicles.

So it feels like a lot of pressure to make sure that you have the perfect fit on this cap on your head so that you don't have like a bald spot from where it's not, you know, it's not working.

Um, I, I think that that's part of the reason why this is so much easier is because you only have to do that one one time where with the other ones we needed to get it right every single time so it just felt like a lot of pressure the one thing you have to force upon Ali that she just refuses to admit anything oh you want to bring up one of those side group chats um I think you know just letting Letting other people help you.

Like, I think that's basically what it comes down to.

Like, letting people...

I feel like you've been better about that this time actually though than you were the first time.

For sure. But just letting people help you with Ellie, letting people bring you groceries, letting people stock your fridge.

DoorDash. Like, letting people send DoorDash gift cards.

You know, I think you feel a lot of guilt.

Yes. Because I think you recognize all the privilege that you do have in your life.

and you think that people will perceive you as ungrateful if you accept any help because you do have people that love you.

So if you accept outside help, it's like, you're not grateful for what you do have, which is so twisted.

And, um, I think, you know, just being like, it doesn't matter what other people think you need help.

It doesn't matter how other people perceive you.

We know you need help and you need to let us help you.

yeah i think that's probably the hardest part product of caring too much about what people think so dumb um and then we'll end on this one which is which and you've touched on and you've touched on it in a way that's been really helpful for me to hear but how do you handle your own sad and scared feelings while also supporting ally oh um i think this is an uplifting note to end on sum it up you know i think think I think overwhelmingly I believe in positivity and um I I do compartmentalize because I think when I start to let myself which I've never even talked to you about this go down the rabbit

hole of what dying what it would look like if if you weren't here and um then I start, it gets dark and it gets twisty.

But I also think like, I, I think I have like a, for me, I, I believe that I, no matter what, like I'm going to see you again and we're going to be best friends forever.

So even plans that even if it wasn't now and here, like I know it is going to be that I will get to see you again and that we will have these relationships.

but I also I think just being present and making sure that you know even if you are recording and can't answer my calls that I'm like hey I'm just thinking about you you know just making sure that like even if I expect nothing in return I think that that's kind of a good way as a support person to go into this is putting all of me out there to you and knowing that you don't have to text me me back because you're busy or you're getting chemo or you're whatever is happening and not like ever making it about me, not ever making me be like, oh, I feel bad because she didn't text me back.

Oh. And I'm like, please make it about you.

I'm so sick of myself.

Please tell me your problems. But just being like, I just want to make sure that I have no regrets that I like.

And I think that was something that I felt bad about with the birthday party.

I know that I just said I didn't want to make it all about me and I'm making it all.

Please do. But I wasn't at the birthday party and then the diagnosis came back right after that like that was a huge blow to me personally um I just felt really bad for a long time about that um but it's really hard to find a good weekend it's fine there was no good weekend fault why'd you have to have a birthday that weekend how can you just held her in a little longer I think just moving forward with with faith that it's gonna work out like we're you are so loved Annie is so loved Ellie is so loved like we're all gonna be fine and um I think I really truly believe that you're here for a very

long time and I think that that helps yeah me too like the fact that I'm like no like I just don't I don't accept and I don't believe yes in the alternative you're in all these same phases as me firmly in denial delusion and i think we say that i think we both know like what the reality of it is and um you know and i think i did say to you at one point like i want you to know that like i will be part of annie's life no matter whatever happens and i will make sure that she knows what our friendship was and how amazing you are no matter what and whatever it takes to do that and obviously we don't

have those conversations very often but it is important that you know all that i know and um that said we're gonna be doing this in like 40 years it probably in miami yes um you know what we're gonna have our butts out yeah we're going for it we are gonna people are gonna be like are they locals and i'm gonna be like do you like my rash card she have a bbl yeah let's go we talked about bbls yesterday yeah you did uh i love you so much um i love you this has been yeah these days are so hard and so long and going through them with my best friend and my best support network is like we laugh and we

cry and we feel everything and so I think that's that's become like one of my messages of like let yourself feel everything like just oh yeah I think you have to let yourself cry too yeah clearly clearly falling but I like I've definitely had my moments where like it's okay like I think we all are so positive yeah 95 % of the time like and busy and when are we supposed to cry I think I've had I think I've only like sobbed yeah twice since I've gotten this diagnosis I know like bathroom floor heaving sobs like I've cried I've cried a ton yeah but like in terms of the me really like processing processing

like I haven't done that yet yeah I don't like we don't I was like when were we supposed to do that when am I supposed to cry yeah there's no time for that and I don't feel ready to do that so no and I think I think we will we're in business mode right now we're figuring this out therapists yeah Martha I'm seeing Martha tomorrow yeah she's gonna love it a good therapist a good you know I'm gonna bring her some hydrangeas but she's moving that might might be annoying.

Okay. We'll discuss.

Maybe just treats. Okay.

Um, I love you so much. I love you too.

Okay. Safe drive home.

Thanks. Good luck on the merit.

Love you. Thoughts and prayers.

Thank you so much for being here for this episode of the Allie on the Run show with my guest, Michael Ann Bailey.

Yay. I hope you enjoyed getting to know the woman that I love, adore, appreciate, and cherish so very much. As a reminder, New Balance Fuel Cell, Excel Rebel V5 out now.

Check it out. Thank you to New Balance for supporting this episode, for supporting me, for supporting my support squad, just consistently going above and beyond and doing so much and being so wonderful.

What else can I tell you?

This was a long one, so I'll wrap it up with a reminder that you've got this, you're doing great, and thank you for joining me on the run.

[患難見真情：與摯友 Michael Ann Bailey 的抗癌隨筆]-[The Support Squad Series, Episode 3, with Michael Anne Bailey]

📋 Summary

播客摘要：與摯友的抗癌旅程與情感連結

友誼的起源與共同成長

抗癌路上的「支持小隊」

冰帽治療與情感的宣洩

關於「活著」與「面對」

總結

🎯Key Sentences

📝Key Phrases

📖 Transcript