Hi, welcome back to Eat Your Crest Podcast.
I'm Jisoo and I'm Krystal.
So Jisoo, we've talked a lot on this podcast about siblings, actually.
Usually it's to satisfy some of your curiosities.
So today we decided to flip the tables a bit and ask you about your only child experience.
Do you feel ready?
I feel like I'm getting put on the stand to represent the entire only child community.
I'll do my best.
But, you know, some experiences might be specific to me.
Yeah, that's true.
Everyone's experiences are probably different.
I am very curious because I don't know what it's like to be an only child.
First question I have for you is even though both you and your partner are only children, are there ever any things that happen where you notice and you're like you know what this might actually be only child behavior, coming from either him or yourself?
There's one thing that does happen that reminds me of our conversations with our friend Sunny.
One thing James will do is we'll be eating dinner, right?
When you eat dinner, it's like a communal thing.
There's placemats, you know we put all the plates out and the utensils and etc will be eating, and he'll always grab a napkin for himself, but not for me.
Oh my god.
I think i'm also someone who uses a napkin a lot when i'm eating to like wipe my face, make sure there's nothing on there.
So then i always notice it and i always call it out.
I'm like bro, you really got yourself a napkin, but not me.
And that's very only child behavior, i think.
Definitely, like you said, our friend sunny has mentioned this before as an only child behavior.
She's noticed among only children.
Has james fixed that though?
Yeah, so i think now it's more of like if he doesn't grab one for himself, he won't grab one for me, but if he grabs one for himself, he'll always grab one for me as well.
And the context is we usually sit side by side facing a screen or something, so we can watch something while we eat and chat yeah, and then the napkins are on his side.
So he's like the controller of the napkins, you know Yeah.
And that's why the napkin supply only comes from his side.
Do you feel like you do that though?
Like if it were you instead of him, would you always give him a napkin?
Or do you think you would also become guilty of being the sole napkin holder?
Damn.
Well, I think the reality is, because I nag him so much for doing this, I am hyper aware of, when I grab a napkin, that I need to give him one too.
Yeah.
However...
Even despite that, I've noticed occasionally that I'll be using a napkin and then, while I'm using it, I'm like oh shit, I didn't give James one.
So maybe deep down, this is also behavior that I have.
But it's more noticeable when you're the one being left out.
I have another one that I feel like is only child behavior.
And this might be more of a me thing and less so James, but I realized that I do have a difficult time sharing sometimes.
It's not in the sense that I'm not open to sharing, but there's things that I'm down to share and the things that I don't want to share.
Someone asking me to share something won't immediately make me open to sharing it 50-50, if that makes sense.
I think i have a mindset of okay, this bag of chips.
If i'm like whatever about it, i don't really want it that much, then i'm down to share it to whoever.
But if i really want it, i would literally rather buy you your own bag of chips than give too much of mine.
There's like buckets in my head like this is okay to share, this is not sharing, this is like solely me, Damn.
So every time you share stuff with me it's because you're like I don't really want this.
No, maybe I'm just more open to like sharing.
I guess that's the other thing too.
Am I in a sharing mood that day or am I in a hogging mood that day?
I feel like in general, I've noticed you're pretty good about sharing.
Oh my god, thanks.
Yeah, because whenever, for example, we're golfing and maybe you have some snacks, you're always like do you all want some?
In general because of the stigma of only children.
Don't share that much.
I notice extra when you share.
Oh my god.
I'm like, oh, wait, Jesus is always sharing with us.
That's so funny.
Okay.
Maybe the reality is that when I'm outside or like socializing or something, then I know that I should be sharing and I'm already in a sharing mood.
But I notice the territorial behavior comes more when I'm like in the comforts of my own home.
Like sometimes I feel territorial over stuff, even with James.
And I'm like, I don't know how to unlearn this.
You're like, James, get off my couch.
I think one example is like, say drinks, for example.
There's this one specific flavor of Red Bull that I really like.
Okay.
It's kind of limited edition.
It's not like one of the standard normal and then like sugar-free.
It's like a specific flavor.
Okay.
There was this time...
I asked James for a favor and I was like, oh, can you grab me a four pack of these Red Bulls?
And he was like, OK, sure.
And before I had asked him to grab the four pack, I was like, are you going to want any of the cans?
And he's like, no, no, no, I don't need it or whatever.
And I was like, OK, then just grab the four pack.
And then when he came back with it, he was like, oh, can I have a can?
And that like set me off.
Right.
Because I was like i want four cans and i asked him specifically before if he wanted any and he said no.
So then in my mind i was allotted these four cans and then suddenly i only have three cans and then i was like okay, one of us is gonna have to replenish.
That is so funny.
Oh my God.
Okay.
You know what?
That is definitely only child, because I would go through that as a kid, you know because it's like we have a limited amount of whatever snack or drink or something.
Right.
We're kids.
So it's not like the easiest thing to just go out and buy your own.
Yes.
So then it would be like, I can't count everything as mine in my mind.
I must accept that everyone in the family might take like some or all.
Yeah, I did not have that lesson.
The concept of there being something in my perceived possession and then it's like gone before I had budgeted for it to be gone.
You know that's like shocking to me.
So then I was like telling this story at work and I was like guys, isn't it so crazy that my husband had one of these cans, even though I confirmed with him that he didn't want any of this?
And at my work lunch group half of us are only children and then the other half are people with siblings, and then all the only children are like yeah, i mean you checked with him, like that's up, and then the sibling people were like it's just one can, like i think it's not a big deal.
That is so funny.
I actually think older siblings probably have to deal with this more, because a younger sibling comes along and they're like oh my God, like can I have one of these?
Right.
And then the older siblings like begrudgingly, okay, fine.
Or else our parents will get mad at me, like whatever.
Oh, my God.
Actually, that's so true because this brings up an old memory of mine where I went on like this big family trip to Jeju Island.
And I was like with all of my cousins and aunts and uncles, my baby cousin, who at the time was probably like four or something,
We like stopped by a convenience store on the way home and everyone picked out like an ice cream for themselves, right.
And then my baby cousin at the time was like, oh, I don't want any.
And I had wanted two.
I couldn't pick between the cookies and cream Popsicle, but I still remember the fucking types of ice cream.
It was a cookies and cream popsicle bar, one of those like squeezy tube, Jeju tangerine ice creams, and I bought both and I was like oh, I'm gonna have one tonight and then one tomorrow.
Lo and behold, when we get home she whined that she didn't have ice cream.
And then all the aunts were like, oh, Jisoo, you bought two anyway.
Just give her one.
And I remember I was so upset.
At the time, I must have been in middle school or something.
And I was so upset and I was like, she said she didn't want anything at the convenience store.
And these are both for me.
I don't understand why I have to give it up.
Of course, eventually I gave in, but I was like very displeased about it.
I think that was like my first glimpse of having to share because someone younger wanted something differently.
Dude.
Yeah.
I probably caused my brother a lot of headaches.
I actually have a similar story.
Like a younger cousin of mine was visiting.
By this time, I must have been out of college.
She was still pretty young.
So she needed to be entertained.
And so I lent her my Switch, I think.
But like she's pretty young, so she doesn't really know how to use it.
And I had to like sit there and teach her.
And I was like, oh, this is taking up my time.
How can she not just pick it up and know how to use this?
So there was like a bit of frustration there.
But then later when I reflect on it, I was like, OK, come on.
This is a small child.
What am I doing?
You're like thinking back to Max teaching you how to use GameCube controllers and stuff.
Yeah, I feel like there's a certain level of patience that comes with growing up as an older sibling, for sure.
But I do also feel like older siblings have a lot of patience, or are trained to have a lot of patience.
And then they hit a wall.
And then after that, they're like, okay, fuck my younger sibling.
Like, fuck this.
I'm not doing this anymore.
This is where I draw the line.
Also, you have to keep in mind the younger sibling is probably bickering away constantly and annoying the older sibling while also doing these other annoying behaviors damn.
And then you also have to kind of be able to speak for your younger sibling to your parents.
It's low key, like being a manager.
You're like managing your younger sibling.
And if your younger sibling does anything wrong, I feel like the parents always go to the older sibling like why weren't you watching them?
So it's like your direct report, basically.
Yeah, I think it depends on the age gap.
For me and my brother.
I think maybe there's a bit less of the why weren't you watching them?
But sometimes it would come up.
Pulling the older sibling card.
But back to being an only child, do you ever catch yourself just in general doing something?
Maybe with a group of friends or yeah, maybe at home, where you're just like, oh my God, that was totally the only child behavior of me.
See, this is hard because as an only child, I see the world through my only child eyes.
So I don't always feel like I'm acting like an only child.
But I do sometimes wonder if there's a difference in perspective that comes with being an only child versus having siblings.
And one of these things is, you know, when you hang out with people and then there's kind of like chill slash downtime where maybe you're like tired or low energy.
And I think this happens more on like long days, where maybe you're like traveling together, or on like a trip or something.
But I feel like semi uncomfortable during those down times where we're all together physically but people aren't talking.
It actually brings me back to like going to family friend gatherings when I was younger, where I feel like as an only child.
These family friend gatherings are something that I, like very much looked forward to.
Because it's a chance to like go and hang out with people, you know, play games or like chat.
And I would always look forward to them.
But I noticed that people with siblings didn't necessarily look forward to those things, because they have that shit at home.
Like if they wanted to, they could hang out with their sibling, you know?
So then, I think the perspective difference is like for me as an only child if we're together, we might as well hang out and be chatting and like doing something the entire time.
Otherwise, I would just go home and have alone time by myself.
But I feel like people with siblings don't see it that way.
Yeah.
Wait, I totally see what you're saying, because people with siblings are kind of like I need some alone time.
I'm always with other people.
Right.
And it's okay if my alone time is just all of us sitting together like on our phones.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But you're like, oh, well, if people are here, we might as well be like socializing.
Yeah.
Right.
I feel like even at this age, I haven't lost the mindset of like guys.
Our parents are going to tell us to go home in like an hour.
Like we should hang out as much as we can.
Oh my god, that is so funny.
I never even thought about that.
That makes a ton of sense.
I think the other thing and this might be less of an only child thing, but as an only child I didn't grow up having people in my space a lot
So then...
When people come over, I feel very like, oh my God, what are these people looking at?
What are they touching?
I feel like super wary of it.
But I do know that there are other only children who are used to having people over all the time.
So maybe it's more of like a familial difference.
Oh, maybe.
Oh my God.
Now I'm going to be super conscious about what I'm doing in your home.
When you just said that I was like, I definitely like the first time that I went to your place, just like, went everywhere and like, looked at your bookshelf, looked all over, like everything.
Yeah.
I mean, it's definitely not something I mind.
It's more of just like, I'm like, whoa, this person is like in my space.
I'm like looking at my stuff.
You're like, oh my God.
Oh, actually, I remember one that you mentioned before.
You said it was crazy that when you and James moved in together, that you had to share closet space.
Ooh yes, so true.
We sometimes still like, negotiate back and forth who gets what in the closet?
Oh my god, wait.
But does james have like, does he take up a ton of closet space?
No, I think the problem is that I take up a ton of closet space.
So then my stuff keeps encroaching into like his territory.
He's like, okay, I feel like I need a little bit more space or like more hangers or something.
And then I'll try to negotiate like, oh, what if I gave you like more up top storage?
Like you can get your own basket here.
Yeah.
Actually another funny thing too with the sharing there's certain things that James doesn't want to share or that he doesn't consider communal.
That, I think, is kind of wild.
But maybe you can tell me your perspective on this.
Okay.
So when we went to japan, i had come back maybe like a week earlier than james, so then james had some time to like, roam around, do some shopping for himself.
You know, have his own itinerary.
One of the things that he did was go to don quixote, the like big store, and then he picked up these famous nail clippers, And to me I'm like, I feel like nail clippers are like a communal thing.
But he brought one set back and then he like keeps it in his desk drawers.
Sometimes when I borrow them, I'll forget to put it back.
Right.
And then he'll be like, where are my nail clippers?
And then in my head, I'm like, do you mean our nail clippers?
But what is also really only child of me was when he came back from Japan and he was like oh my God look, I got these like famous snail clippers.
My first thought was, oh, you didn't get two?
So I don't know.
I don't know which thing is more only childlike.
Okay, I do think both of those are only child behavior.
Because I'm thinking of nail clippers specifically.
Growing up, maybe I'd be like, hey, can I borrow these nail clippers?
Maybe I'm borrowing it from my parents or like...
I don't know if I ever shared with my brother though, but they'd be like, yeah, of course.
And then they'd be like, oh, you can actually just have that pair.
We got a few.
It's okay.
Everyone can have some.
So I think that is definitely only child behavior to be like um, these are my nail clippers and no one can touch them.
But at the same time, I think it can also be a response to sharing.
People with siblings could also have a similar response, because it's like them safekeeping the one or two things that they don't have to share.
Interesting.
Yeah.
So maybe it's not a universally only child thing.
It's more of like how you see your possessions.
Yeah.
Like, oh, please let this one thing be mine.
Yeah.
I guess.
Admittedly, it's probably also very only child of me to not let James have one thing in this household that's his, you know.
I'm like, it's all communal.
Like, it's all half mine.
You're like if I have to share, everyone has to share, while ignoring the 40 things that I have that I don't share with her.
You're like, actually, right now, it's either all or nothing.
I mean, I think a big part of this too is like sometimes I feel like I'm being socialized on things that other people have learned when they were way younger.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
It's crazy to have this feeling now when I'm pushing 30, but I felt it more acutely when I was younger because low-key, meeting kids with siblings...
When you're young is such a crazy experience.
I would be like, dude, you guys know all this music?
Oh, you know, like music that I had never even heard of, that I didn't know people our age were allowed to listen to.
They would just know jokes, you know, like yo mama jokes.
When I heard a yo mama joke for the first time and it was definitely from someone with siblings I was shocked.
I was like, you guys just talk about this shit in your date.
Like your parents taught you or something, you know?
Talking to like people, especially with older siblings was such a big cultural shock for me.
I was like, you guys just are like mini adults.
Yeah.
Oh, I see.
Like you get this little extra funnel of information from the older sibling.
Yeah.
And people with older siblings would always have the tea on like oh, I heard this teacher is like oh blah blah, blah.
I'm like, wait, what?
Like, how do you know this person?
Wait, I like how genuinely shocked you are.
I think also people with older siblings, because of all this extra info they have, they have this extra coolness to them right.
Yes.
You're like, oh my God, that person knows all the stuff and they know older people too.
That kind of thing.
Yeah, I just remember they would always be in the position of being able to break the news.
Like, oh, I heard at middle school dances, this happens.
And I'd be like, what?
Just coming with tea that I had never even imagined.
Oh my god, that's so funny.
Wait sorry, I'm thinking about your friend group and I'm realizing a lot of your friends are actually older siblings.
Yes, I think my high school friend group has a lot of older siblings and a couple of younger siblings.
It's actually probably half-half.
Oh my god, and you're the only only child yeah, whoa.
My middle school friend group though, had three only children and then a mix of older slash younger siblings.
Did you feel like there was a difference between, like having an only child friend versus a friend with siblings?
Did you gravitate more towards one or the other?
I'm trying to see if there's like a pattern in my close friends, but I think I have a good mix of like only child, younger sibling, older sibling.
But I will say that there's like a really inexplicable connection that I feel with only children sometimes.
And I don't even, I like cannot describe what it is.
And I felt it even with people like co-workers or, you know, just like random people that I meet.
But it's like an attitude towards life, I would say, that is shared amongst only children.
And I would implore any only child who's listening to this to like send us a DM and let me know if you feel the same way as well.
But I think the closest word that I would use to describe it is maybe like an entitlement towards feeling happiness and joy in your life.
Wait, what?
I bring this up because I've actually had a really in-depth conversation about this with some of my close friends, where in this, like quad, three of us are only children.
Me, James, and then like a third person who's an only child.
And then the fourth person is a younger sibling.
And she had once told us that the three of us just have this unhinged thought and idea that, no matter what, every situation will always turn out okay in the long run, or something.
It's not about like being positive or negative.
I don't think it's like that kind of idea, but it's more so that no matter what I do, at the end it'll be okay.
And then that's like what fuels our actions or something like that.
And at first I was like, dude, I don't know if I relate to that.
But the more I thought about it, I was like, I think it's kind of true.
For me and I'm only speaking for myself here as an only child, I feel like whenever there was a conflict, my parents would help resolve it.
They were really key and instrumental in a lot of the conflicts that I was trying to resolve when I was younger, for example.
And I feel like maybe that mindset or that mentality just like never left deep down, despite now having more like conflict resolution or like problem solving, or like self-discipline or whatever.
Deep down, there's still that child waiting for my parents to resolve something for me.
Oh, interesting.
Wait, because, okay, at first I was going to say, wait, I have that thought too.
I always believe that things will work out.
Yeah.
I guess I do have a because behind it.
Sure, sure.
My because is because I know what I'm capable of.
Yes.
And I believe that I will be able to get myself out of it.
But it sounds like from what you're describing, yours is maybe almost because-less, you know?
Yeah, I think that's exactly what it is.
And that's exactly why I said it's not about being a positive person or whatever.
A lot of positive and optimistic people like you, included.
They believe in themselves because they have trust in themselves.
For me, even if I don't have trust in myself, I just somehow assume that things will work out well.
On good days I have faith in myself, but even on bad days I somehow just hope and assume that things will turn out fine.
And I think that is the only child mentality that my friend was describing.
Even if there's no reason there, like you just think things will be okay.
Whoa.
I mean, this could be a controversial take.
I thought it was hella funny though.
No, I think that's hella funny that the way you described it too.
She was like, you three and your unhinged behavior.
I'll have to pay more attention to that and see if I feel it emanating off of you and Jane.
Dude.
Also, I wonder if, when you put two only children together, the person who is less only childlike has to step up and defer the only childness to the other only child.
Oh, my God.
Like they become the older sibling almost.
Yeah, because low-key, I feel like I'm more of an only child than James is.
And then sometimes I feel like he defers it, like defers the title of being the only child to me.
I think that makes sense because, as I said earlier, I think younger children are closer to only children than like older siblings are.
So I feel like some things some only children potential habits that you have described, I can relate to as a younger child.
But when I think of my limited knowledge of being an older sibling, they probably relate less to certain things.
Okay, so actually, for example, you know the napkin thing?
Yeah.
Every time I go to the napkin dispenser, I actually have about one to two seconds of full thought and decision making.
Am I going to bring extra napkins for the table or am I just going to grab one for myself today?
How am I feeling about this?
Right, right.
And sometimes it can be like, oh, well, I know so-and-so is at the table.
They'll have brought napkins for the table.
So I'm just going to grab my own today.
Wait, that's hella funny because that reminds me of when we got lunch a couple months ago with our friend group.
This was one of those restaurants where you get your food stand in line, pay at the register and then you can go and sit down.
And I remember we were towards like the end of the line.
Our friend who has a lot of siblings, she was at the front of the line.
When we had finished paying, we turned back.
I remember being in shock because by the time we had paid, she had put together the tables to make sure that all like 10 of us or whatever could fit.
And then she had put napkins and utensils and like water cups for all of us set out like that.
And I was like whoa, because as an only child yeah, I would put the tables together, maybe like lay out napkins or something, but I'm not putting like All of that out for everyone.
Like I would probably assume people would grab utensils or like water cups, right?
And I was like whoa is it like?
The more siblings you have, you're just like more and more socialized, like more primed to do these selfless acts for the table, you know, oh my god.
Probably also she was the youngest of a lot of siblings, so maybe she was tasked to do a lot the social hierarchy or whatever.
But you're so right.
She also did that at lightning speed.
I was like, oh my God, who set all of this up and paid and got their food?
I was like, wow.
Exactly.
And you know what the funny thing is?
I remember, before I got in line, I was like i'm gonna do something for the group and claim a table.
So i had put my bag or something down on one of the tables, but i didn't put two tables together, whatever.
I was like i'll claim one like four person table for a group of ten.
And then when i came back, i think she didn't know it was my bag and she had put other tables together and i was like oh, i see, this is what it looks like to be like an actually good person like not me, though She's like yeah, that four person table is not doing it.
I was like, oops.
Actually, I think I have personally probably gotten worse about these things because Jimin is an older sibling and he like takes care of this stuff usually as the older sibling.
So whenever we sit down i feel like he always brings napkins and like utensils and stuff.
And i guess maybe the funny part of it is that he'll like hand me napkins or utensils and every time i'm surprised, i'm like oh, thank you, like i was gonna go get my own, and he's like thank you for what he's like so used to doing it already, And then I'll come back with like one napkin and I'll notice him.
I'll be like, I guess I should go get another napkin.
You know, actually that brings up a very interesting question where sometimes I feel like an only child is in the gray area between an older sibling and a younger sibling, because you're kind of like the only kid.
Right.
So then.
Sometimes because you're the only kid, you can be like full child.
But other times, because you're the only kid you have to like basically pretend you're an adult, to like fit in with the adults.
And that, I feel like, is kind of the difference between us and the older sibling, because an older sibling can't turn it off and be a child.
Yeah, and it's also the difference between us and like a younger sibling, because i think the younger sibling not leans more child, but they lean more like chilled out.
You know yeah yeah, no for sure, there's definitely a lot of times where I do stuff and I'm like that was pretty younger sibling of me, but I feel like sometimes I can see a little bit of only child in you too.
You can be I'm glazing, the only children I'm like.
You can be very responsible hey, younger siblings can be responsible too.
I don't know about that.
I always joke that I spent some time being an only child, because there's a period of time where I was living with my parents but my brother was not.
So I was like, oh my God, this is like an only child household now.
Welcome, welcome to our community.
Ooh, I have a question for you.
So one of the things that I found really hard growing up, especially towards puberty and after, was that, as an only child, there is so much attention on you from your parents.
So to an extent, you kind of have to be the entertainment.
You are also like their project.
I found that really hard to juggle with.
But for you, when you were like the only child while your brother was out of your house, did you feel that same pressure?
And was it very foreign to you because it was like a new energy?
I have to think carefully about this.
There were two years in high school where my brother was off to college.
That would probably be the time this would happen if there was a time.
Because otherwise it was post-college where I'm a bit more of an adult.
So maybe there was less of that, you know. like maybe doting on kind of thing.
So I'm trying to think back right now to high school and what that was, like you know, maybe a little bit, but I think I wasn't aware of.
I think I was maybe a little too self-absorbed around that time.
Oh, I mean it was probably like end of high school or something where everyone is really busy, I assume.
So yeah, that makes sense.
Maybe it did happen.
And I also didn't quite register it because it was just like two years and senior year is half of it is much more chill.
Hmm.
But I do remember my mom being like extremely stressed about college for me.
And I was like, dude, it'll be fine.
Like I'll get into college.
And she's like, I don't know you will.
And I was like, wait, what?
My parents are also like that.
They're like, how do you even know you're going to get into college?
I'm like, what are you talking about?
I'm like a normal person.
Yeah, I was like, it's not like I'm not doing anything.
Right, right, right.
Maybe I did feel a bit of extra pressure during that time, but I wasn't sure if it was like they're just stressed about me getting into college or if it was also because my brother was out of the house.
So they're like, oh, my God, we need to make sure this one doesn't fall off the rails.
Yeah, that is a kind of hard time to differentiate between so many different pressures happening at the same time.
But did you feel like they cared more about curfew or something?
Okay, I do, but I think that's just because I'm a girl.
I used to fight with my parents a lot about this.
Actually, i was like why do you let my brother stay out until like midnight or 1am and then you always text and call me 10 times when it's after like 10, 30 or something.
Actually, they had funny reasons.
One was like your girl and the second one they're like and also you like.
Don't text us updates, but your brother does.
And I was like, okay, maybe I don't text updates, but still.
But still, I don't like it.
Yeah.
Well, the question is do you think it got worse after your brother left, or was it just an ongoing battle between you guys?
It was definitely an ongoing battle.
It hurt me a bit when my brother left because then I was like, shoot, there's no one to compare now.
There's no example to pull from.
True, true.
I feel like that was one of the things that I was jealous about for people with siblings, because there's nothing that you could do to deflect.
The pro, at least for me and my family, was that my parents didn't have anyone to compare me to, so then I didn't grow up with a lot of the.
Your brother does this, but how come you can't be more like it was just like me as a person and that's all they could criticize, you know, But at the same time, there was only ever one troublemaker in the house.
So then if I was acting up, all the focus and attention was on me.
So that was kind of challenging.
Then did you feel like extra guilty, maybe whenever you got in trouble with your parents, or maybe felt like you were asking a lot of them.
I think I felt more of the like spoiled brat end of feelings where i was like why does it always fall on me?
I don't want all of this pressure on me.
Even if i was performing well at school, i would hate the level of pressure that was also being put on me of like oh, you're doing so well, like you should aim for x, y and z, and i'd be like why you know?
Like i already got here.
Yeah, I see.
Looking back, I do feel guilty about the things that I put my parents through.
I was like, definitely not a very reassuring kid.
I think when I was younger, I'm more normal now.
But at the time I think I put them through the ringer on a lot of stuff.
There were like a couple of things related to guilt that I felt, partially because of being a sibling.
So one example is that there's two siblings in my household.
There's double as many afterschool activities.
Oh.
So then I'm like oh shoot, like you got to like send me here and then like my brother there and then pick like me up and then pick him up.
And there's only so much that you can do.
Even if my mom was stay at home and my dad was at work, one car can only go so many places.
Yeah.
So that was actually motivation for me to like get my driver's license as fast as I could, because then I'm like Oh okay, then maybe I can take like an old beater car and drive myself around.
Then you guys don't have to like do all this.
But then like, also now thinking back, right?
It's like well Yes, but also my parents were probably like, oh God, how can we just release this child onto the streets?
It's like a completely different concern now.
It's like a safety issue instead of like a time management thing.
But then it did work out a lot in the end, because once I had my license I would drive myself to all of the after school activities.
And actually, my brother was the one who lagged on getting his license.
So sometimes I would send my brother to places like in the summer or something when he came back.
Wait, that's hella funny being driven around by your like little sister.
Yeah.
It's interesting that you said you felt guilt.
Maybe that is also just because I was like spoiled or something.
I never felt guilt about my mom having to spend all this time picking me up and stuff.
But I did feel guilt of my mom coming back from work when she used to work and like having to cook food.
And...
I don't know.
Maybe that's something that I feel more guilty about now, maybe less so in the moment back then.
But in terms of her driving me around and picking me up, I almost felt, maybe a sense of resentment at always getting picked up.
The context is I would get picked up from school, right?
Yeah.
I felt like there was a lot of stuff happening after school, when kids are waiting for their parents to get picked up or get picked up by after school or something.
My mom would always come at 3 p.m. on the dot to pick me up.
So then she would always be calling me like, get out here, you know, hurry up.
And then I would be like saying bye to my classmates and stuff.
And I'd always be like, dude, mom, like, how come you come so early?
There's like important things happening right now.
I need a network.
Yeah.
No honestly, I think that makes sense, because I usually would walk or bike home because my parents were at work and I think my mom didn't have her license for a while.
And then also she was like, school's close enough.
Like, I'm sure you can walk.
Yeah.
Yeah, so then?
Yeah, like i guess i would have the freedom of staying after school as long as i wanted.
But i think the flip side is there was sometimes envy, like oh, i have to like, walk all the way home.
I wish someone would just pick me up.
I guess grass is always greener.
OK well, relationship with our parents aside, I kind of want to go back to like the difference of having a sibling versus not.
I think one of the things that I envy in people who grew up with siblings is I feel like they're more okay with fighting and then making up.
I think it's an important skill and I
I think I only know how to do it in the context of a romantic relationship, because something like that is very expected and normalized when you're dating someone.
There's always going to be some sort of conflict and then you resolve it together.
But I feel like that... skill slash that happening is more foreign to me in friendships.
So then, especially when I was younger, if we had one fight I was like okay, this friendship is over.
But i feel like people with siblings.
It's like kind of more normalized to them.
They already have the skills to be able to healthily fight and then like get out of it normally as well.
So do you feel like you have that skill at all, or like, have you ever noticed this before?
I'm not super sure about your word usage of healthily fight.
I think it's a little different for me because actually my brother got really mad at me.
I think it was around end of junior high.
And then he didn't talk to me for like two years.
Oh, sad.
So I don't know if there was necessarily some conflict resolution there.
Hey, is your brother an only child?
I guess it just like suddenly we got over it towards later in high school or in college.
So I'm not super sure about this conflict resolution because I do feel like sometimes you're just like okay whatever, I'm over it.
Like it's fine.
And then it just magically is forgot about.
Oh, interesting.
Especially when we're younger, right?
Because when we're younger, it's not like we're going to sit down and be like.
You hurt my feelings doing this.
It's more like, I guess we'll forgive each other or like you tattled.
So whatever.
Yeah, damn.
Maybe that's what it is it.
Maybe it's less so like because you fight with your siblings, you know how to like talk through it in a normal way, and maybe more so like fighting is less slightly less of a big deal for people with siblings, versus to me as an only child, especially when i was younger, a fight was like extremely devastating.
Maybe it helped with letting go of potential grudges.
Although I guess my brother held one for really long.
Hey, but he came back from it.
But I'm also just imagining because I feel like this might be a bigger thing in sisterhood.
I feel like I see a lot of sisterhood memes.
I saw this recent one where it was like a husband and he tweeted or something like I just saw my wife and her sister have the craziest fight.
They said things I would never imagine to like say or hear.
And then like one hour later, they're like, so what's for brunch?
Oh yeah, maybe it's if you're the same gender, you fight more and then you resolve it quicker.
I feel like it's also a little different because I remember when we talked to our friend Sarah on the pod about sisterhood and like they shared a room for some time and they share a lot more things.
But since my brother and I are different genders, there's certain things that, like you, just don't share that much when you're a kid.
I had my own closet, Max had his own room, like all that kind of stuff.
Yeah.
Maybe like having a same gender sibling is like extreme siblingship and I'm like in the middle and then you're like on the other spectrum of like no siblings.
Sure.
Yeah, that could definitely be the case because there's less friction if you're not sharing.
Okay, I'm starting to realize that the core of any conflict is sharing.
Let me tell you, my brother and I have had a lot of fights over sharing when we were younger.
Really?
For sure.
Yeah.
Was it over like gaming stuff or like what else were you guys sharing?
I think just like general communal things in the house.
Yeah, like an example could be.
Maybe we had one computer back in the day when they were still very new and be like I want to use the computer.
Or like we're watching TV.
Whose show do we watch?
Do we watch the one that my brother wants to watch or the one that i want to watch?
Luckily, sometimes there's a bit of overlap, but sometimes it's like well, i want to watch this and i want to watch that, but we only have like one tv.
So someone has to like give in, and unfortunately my brother probably had to give in more than i did.
Older sibling things yeah, oh my god.
Another one was when we moved to california, my parents bought our home.
It's like a brand new home right, and we're like living beings by this time.
So we go into the house and we're walking around and my parents are like okay, you two can choose your rooms.
And here's where it's bad.
There's one room that's like significantly bigger.
It has its own bathroom.
Right.
I was like, I want this room.
And then the other choice was like a smaller room, no bathroom attached.
Yeah, it was like significantly smaller too.
Of course, like my brother's like, wait, I also want the big room.
But in the end, I got the big room.
Okay, I did pull some probably valid arguments.
Yeah, yeah.
I was like, well, I'm a girl, like I need my own bathroom, you know?
I think that's fair, honestly.
Technically, he had his own bathroom too, but it was just not attached to his room.
But yeah, sometimes I think about that.
And I was like, you know, Max really gave up a good thing there.
He could have fought for it if he really wanted to.
But I don't know.
I was a whiny younger sibling, so maybe he would never have been able to get it.
And he just had to accept that, which is kind of tough.
You know?
I do think that is kind of a sibling skill and maybe leaning more of an older sibling skill as we continue to talk about this, but being able to like do something that you don't want to do.
I feel like I had to learn how to do that in college and i'm still kind of learning how to do it.
So, like one small example is, like you know, sometimes corcos will be like oh, do you guys want to like walk to whatever to get juice?
You know, do you guys want to do something?
And i'm kind of like i'm not really feeling it.
I feel like i have to manually be like i don't want this, but i'll still go for the vibe.
I have to like do that mindset shift, But the instinct in me is like oh, I don't want juice, so I'm not going to go.
I'm just not used to like having to do things that I don't fully want to do, like 100% want to do.
That makes a ton of sense, honestly.
And I think older siblings probably have to deal with that more.
But that is true.
I'm sure there were things that my brother wanted to do that I had to tag along to do too.
You're giving me a smile that says, I doubt it.
No, I was actually smiling because I don't know how much you felt this, but I feel like when an older sibling does something, it's kind of like cool.
So then, if the older sibling wants it, maybe as a younger sibling you're like oh, I also want to do this, even though I don't know what it is.
Like I just automatically like I'm 70% down to do something.
Honestly, yeah, that's pretty true.
I'm starting to realize that the only martyrs in this world, or the main martyrs in this world, are people who are older, siblings.
Truly.
I used to grow up with this thought that my brother because he doesn't do a lot of obvious older sibling things
So I used to just think like, yeah, my brother is like not really an older sibling.
Like he doesn't have to deal with too much of that because I'm such a great younger sibling.
But then, yeah, as I got older, I was like, okay, that's probably completely false.
I was probably pretty bratty at multiple times throughout life.
So...
To be fair, I think you probably were like a more mature younger sibling.
Although the room thing is just fucking hilarious.
Especially knowing the rooms you're talking about.
I'm like, yeah, it is.
Your room is really fucking big.
Oh my God.
Actually, okay, this is another funny detail to that story.
In our original home in Canada, We didn't choose our rooms, right?
Because we were like born and just given rooms.
I was actually given a really big room in Canada too, but it was because my parents would put some other stuff in that room too.
Like they would use it as a computer room kind of or like store some other stuff.
So when we were choosing the rooms back in California, I was like well, I've had a big room my whole life.
So you can't just expect me to go into this small room.
Yeah.
That is so funny.
Yeah.
That's such like kid logic.
And there were definitely moments in my life where I was like in these two rooms and I would think back to that.
I was like, you know, if I had taken the smaller room, it wouldn't have been that bad either.
I could have survived.
Yeah.
But you're like, thank God I didn't.
Yeah, I feel like older siblings really take a lot.
And I think it's actually kind of sweet that it doesn't seem like your brother lords it over you.
I feel like some sibling dynamics, the older sibling will remind the younger sibling like this is all the stuff that I sacrificed.
But it doesn't seem like Max does that, which is very sweet.
That's true.
Thanks, Max.
Shout out, Ma.
There is one last thing that I feel like kind of unites only children more with older siblings, which is parental pressure when you're older.
I think this parental pressure can take form in like many ways.
One is the pressure of like, when are you getting married?
When are you having kids, et cetera?
We as only children are like the only people in the family that can take that pressure.
So I feel like it comes full force.
But I think the other pressure that I think about too is, you know, as our parents, age scenario planning, i guess would be the word of like what happens if this happens when my parents get older, or xyz, that i think i would assume older siblings maybe think about slightly more than younger siblings as well.
I'm actually not super sure about the second one.
I think the second one maybe applies more to whoever lives closer.
Oh, good point.
At least in my family it feels that way because yeah, it's just like not as topical, especially currently, when our parents are at an age that is still not too like worrisome yet.
But I think if something did come up, then things would adjust.
Yeah yeah, but like now with the day-to-day, like maybe i think about it a little more than my brother just because i'm like 20 miles from my parents and max is like two states away yeah, but i do agree with you in terms of general pressure on the older sibling.
Like i probably just skirted by a lot of things you know.
Actually, that's fair.
About the second thing
And maybe even for the first thing.
It's like the parents would probably nag whoever is closer to the event that they want to happen.
So if the younger sibling has a long-term relationship but the older sibling doesn't, they would probably nag the younger sibling, or something.
Yeah.
I guess it kind of is more case by case in terms of which sibling is in which stage of their life, slash which you know, whatever proximity to the parents, instead of just the older, younger sibling thing.
I actually do think gender matters here a little too.
Oh, do you think girls get more pressure or guys?
I actually think girls might get a little bit more pressure because of like, our age thing, you know, biological clock and all of that.
So if your parents are the type to want grandchildren, then they might pressure the girl a little more.
But then for guys, it's like, oh, well, they'll figure it out.
Like, you know, they're just a boy or whatever.
Yeah.
Oh my god, maybe that's only child of you to think that because you have no comparison.
Oh, that's true.
Right?
I just assume it's like an only child versus sibling thing.
Yeah.
Instead of like looking at the different nuances.
Yeah, it's true.
For example, do you feel like James was being pressured to get married?
He probably wasn't, right?
I think his parents were asking.
Oh, okay.
But probably not as much pressure as like I was getting for sure.
I feel like asking is probably pretty normal because like hey, you've been dating this person for a long time.
Yeah.
But then it wasn't like, hey, I think you need to get married.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like my parents were like asking about timelines.
And then I feel like James's parents were more so like, why are you guys waiting?
Like you guys should just do it soon.
But my parents were like, when are you doing it?
Like, why are you waiting?
I think I'm also not the best person to provide insight on this, because my parents they're like way more chill and non opinionated on marriage and kids.
Yeah.
Although I have noticed that my mom really wants me to get married.
Okay also, i think this reason is crazy.
Oh god, let's hear it.
She's like crystal.
I feel like i really want you to get married because then i can stop worrying about you, and i was like wait, what?
Oh, my god dude, it is such a big thing though, because my mom has said something similar.
She was like oh, once you and james got married, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off me and dad's shoulders and i was like, excuse me, i did not know, i was a fucking weight on your shoulders.
Same, my mom was like I just don't want you to go through life alone and like you'll be so lonely.
And I was like wait, I think I would be fine if that were the case.
We're both like relax, mom.
Maybe the gender thing is way big of a portion, for sure, But I do feel like, maybe for the second one of like you know, when our parents get older and whatnot, I would be interested to know to what level like older siblings think about it.
Because I don't know, as an only child, I've been thinking about it so much.
Mm hmm.
My parents are healthy and so are James's parents.
They're all like very, very healthy, but it still like freaks me out because we're both only children.
And then I think that pressure is just a little bit scary.
That's true.
And especially...
Right now watching my parents go through their parents aging.
You know my mom has been discussing with like her siblings on.
Just you know what will happen once her mom passes.
There's just a lot happening there and I don't know who it is that takes like the brunt of the paperwork, for example, or the logistics or whatnot, but it's not an easy feat, so I don't know.
This is also one of the things that I feel like only children go through, where my parents Ever since I was young, they were like oh don't worry.
I know you're an only child, but we're going to check ourselves into a retirement home once we're old.
Or like my parents will always talk about like, oh, when I pass, like blah, blah.
And I'm like, guys, don't talk about this.
Like you're like 40 and I'm like eight.
Yeah whoa okay, i think, double-edged sword, because you're right, there's no one you can defer to right right, and then also, if and when the time occurs, you don't have like a sibling to go through it with Yeah.
But then also on the slightly easier side of things is that, like you know, everything is just to you, straight to you, basically.
That's true.
There's no like dealing out of the assets and stuff that would happen.
But then, like on my side I know paperwork wise it can be more complicated because of assets, unless there was a will written beforehand.
That's true, and I think, especially if there's like a lot of siblings, it can be more complicated if lawyers have to get involved or something.
So in some sense it's like more simple, but also at the same time, my parents are my only family technically, So I think the fear is like maybe bigger for me.
Yeah.
The emotional hit is like it feels more large.
Right.
Right.
Yeah.
Damn.
I think also actually in this topic.
If they're siblings, I think it depends on how much trust the older sibling has in the younger siblings.
Because I'm sure if my brother thought I was useless then he might be thinking more about parents, where he would be like, Oh shoot.
Then it might end up falling on me, because I know my younger sibling isn't going to do anything or like isn't very useful.
Um, But I do think Max has a certain level of trust with me.
So he's like, oh, well, Crystal's like, she lives basically next to our parents.
So if anything happens, then I'm sure she'll be able to like be there and help.
Yeah, totally.
And I also wonder if there's a sense of responsibility shift when parents pass for people with siblings.
And I've been thinking about this more as my grandma gets older and older.
I'm like, where would we go when we go back to Korea?
It's slash.
When my grandma passes yeah, who becomes the new head of household?
You know what I mean.
Like, who is like the center?
Is it the person who is the oldest, so like my eldest aunt, or would it be the person who has more space in the home or like more time to like host people and whatnot?
You know it's different, I think, for Asian households, but I just I'm also curious to see how that would work here for like, Asian American siblings or something you know.
Oh yeah, good food for thought exercise.
Yeah, I think in any sense, it's just something that I envy more and more as I age too.
I'm like it's nice that you have like someone to lean on when things get tough.
That is like a familial bond, and And to an extent, I feel like very lucky that James is an only child, because I feel like in a weird sense, we can have that bond with each other.
And it's very special and unique because it's like something we chose and created for ourselves.
And I think everyone feels that with their partner.
But it's just like more of a bond for us because we're both only children.
James can be your sibling.
Which to me.
I know it's a joke, but I feel like it's so amazing to me because I've wanted you know kind of on and off, like wanted one, my whole life.
But I feel like other people are very weirded out by that concept.
Like, why guys?
It's amazing.
Like in a sense, it's kind of true.
It is.
Because like you're sharing a lot, everything.
And like you're roommates, but it's like more than roommates.
Yeah.
You're family now.
Yeah.
It's like the first time I've had family that's someone near my age.
Yeah.
I mean, cousins aside.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And like always here.
Yes.
Right.
Well, this was very fun.
It was very eye opening to explore more of your only child experiences and reflections on that.
I've come to realize that I have a lot of only child habits too as a younger sibling.
And I probably have a lot more worse habits as a younger sibling on average.
And I think what we've learned today is that older siblings are the best to have on your side.
Yeah.
Shout out to all the older siblings slash shout out to Max.
And for our listeners out there.
If you have any thoughts on being an only child, or even sibling ship, feel free to send us a message.
We have social media at eat your crust pod, and we also have email eat your crust pod at gmail.com.
And if you'd like to catch our other episodes, then don't forget to follow us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
We upload new episodes every other Wednesday morning.
Thanks for listening.
And don't forget to eat your crust.
