A dinner that I eat frequently is pasta with tomato sauce, some veggies and some sort of cheesy topping, either like Parmesan cheese or nutritional yeast, which is like a vegan cheesy, weird alternative.
In the last two nights that I've eaten it, about 10 minutes post-consumption of the meal, I've developed a really bizarre rash on my elbows, knees and ears.
Okay?
Itchy red patches on my elbows and knees and hot, burning red ears.
What is that?
I Googled it.
I didn't figure anything out.
I don't really know what's going on.
But if you're wondering why my aura is off, if my aura even is off, I can't tell if it's off.
It's really hard to read your own aura.
You can do it.
It's possible, but it's kind of hard.
If my aura seems off to you, it's because I'm having an active allergic reaction right now.
I don't know.
I don't know what it is.
Like, is it the tomato sauce?
Am I allergic to tomatoes?
Well, that will suck because I love tomato based things.
I love ketchup.
Does this mean I can't eat ketchup anymore?
I love dipping a fry in ketchup.
Even more sad, this is one of my go-to dinners.
I love this dinner.
I love a big bowl of pasta with red sauce, with tomato sauce.
I love that.
Am I allergic to broccoli?
That's my favorite vegetable.
And that's what was in the pasta the last two nights.
I had broccoli in there.
You know, I'm bummed right now.
So if my aura's off... because my body is a mystery to me right now.
It is a mystery and I will get to the bottom of it and I may keep you posted, but either way, I'm giving an aura disclaimer.
Like if the aura is off, that's why.
The aura also might be off because of the topic of this episode.
Although I will say I feel like the phase of life that I'm in right now isn't necessarily destroying my aura.
Like I don't feel, like my aura completely sucks because However, I'm definitely in a stage of limbo in my life right now in a way that's undeniably deeply uncomfortable for me.
And I don't think it's putting me into a bad place.
That's like emanating bad vibes out of me, but I'm definitely a little bit uncomfortable.
And that's what I'm going to be talking about today, the phase of life that I'm in.
And to be honest, I didn't write an outline for this episode.
And I'm normally very type A in particular about writing outlines for every single podcast episode to ensure that there's a flow and it's easy to follow.
But I didn't do that today.
And that freaks me out.
But that also kind of goes hand in hand with what I'm going through in my life right now, which is what I would call a growth stage.
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Now back to the episode.
I feel like I'm growing right now, okay?
In a way that makes me very uncomfortable because growing is uncomfortable.
But see, the thing is, it's one thing to grow on like a micro scale, like in one area of your life, right?
It's another thing to be growing on a broader scale, like in multiple areas of life at once.
And right now I feel like I'm going through a phase where I'm 360 growing.
I'm growing in every single category of my life.
I don't feel... solid necessarily in any area of my life.
And it's definitely very chaotic and uncomfortable.
But I also know that it's awesome and it's crucial.
And I think the purpose of today's episode is not to necessarily share with you my solution on how to handle an uncomfortable growth phase that sort of feels like a limbo, but rather just share what I'm going through, because that's kind of all I know how to talk about right now.
You know, it's hard to talk about anything else when you're in a phase like that.
And it's fascinating because it genuinely applies to every single category in my life.
Okay, let's break down the categories of life.
There's mental health, mental well-being.
Okay, that's one area.
There's career and job.
There's social life, interacting with other people.
There's purpose, like your goals and your purpose in life morals values goals, purposes you know that category.
What else?
I feel like that's it.
Oh, there's also love, romance, potentially for some of us.
I would say I'd break my life down into those five categories.
I mean, there's probably more, but I just can't think of them right now.
And I will say I'm in an uncomfortable growth period in every single one.
Let's walk through it.
Starting with my mental health and well-being, okay?
If you're familiar with me, you know my mental health challenges consist of anxiety OCD depression perfectionism control freak-ism, imposter syndrome.
I can get depressed.
I'm not really depressed right now.
Whoa.
Loving that.
Loving that.
Loving that that one's not rearing its ugly head right now, but that does happen sometimes.
It's been a while though.
That's sort of who I am, right?
And I think I'm at a point right now where...
I've sort of enabled those brain neural pathways for so long and I've not really addressed the root of those issues.
Like, I've just kind of put a lot of Band-Aids on those challenges.
You know like, for example, if I'm super anxious because one of my parents didn't answer the phone and I start spiraling and spiraling and spiraling and spiraling about you know what if something happened to them?
OK, what has been the solution to that up until this point?
It's been let me get a hold of them.
And then once I get a hold of them, I can let go of that anxiety.
But see, that's not really getting to the root of the problem.
That's just a Band-Aid.
Getting a hold of them and proving to myself that my anxiety was false.
That is not necessarily a full-on solution, because that doesn't help me develop any tools moving forward.
I've kind of been Band-Aid methoding.
And something that I'm particularly struggling with right now mentally is ironically, I have some things going on in my life that are really good.
Like I've been blessed with a few blessings in my life as of recent in a way that has been very profound for me, in a way that I am unbelievably grateful for okay.
And instead of just being grateful and stoked about the blessings in my life, if you will, I've found myself actually kind of unable to process that I can receive such blessings.
And instead of enjoying these things, I'm more anxious and paranoid about and freaked out than ever.
And I've tried all the things that I know how to do, right?
Mindfulness, even weird little things like imagining a stop sign in my head when I start spiraling about how well things are going, perhaps getting myself back on track in that way, slowing down you know.
Blah blah, blah.
I've tried all the things that usually work and they're not working this time.
I'm finding that I'm convincing myself that I don't deserve these things and that, because I've received certain blessings, that now means that I'm going to be cursed.
And that's definitely an OCD brain thing, right?
And it's bad.
It's really bad.
And it's really uncomfortable.
And it's really ruining.
It's not ruining, actually.
Let's be gentle here.
It's not ruining, but it's making it very hard for me to enjoy the moment when I know and this is advice I've given on this podcast I know how important it is to enjoy the moment and to not worry about certain good things being taken away.
Listen, When Benson Boone said, please stay, I won't.
What did he say?
He's like, these beautiful things that I've got.
That's like me right now.
That's literally me right now being like.
Don't take it away.
Okay.
And I think that's somewhat normal, right?
To be so grateful for.
You know certain things in life that come into your life, that then you sort of spiral about how you could fuck it up or ruin it.
But see, for me, my brain takes it a step further.
And instead of just being like oh, all of these beautiful things that you know have entered my life, I'm not even worried about those things getting ruined.
I'm like worried about Somehow it's triggered my brain to then be anxious about just catastrophe in general in my life.
Things feel really nice right now, in a way, and it's making me afraid of major catastrophe unrelated to actually the blessings in my life, if that makes sense.
I've been really grappling with this, and I'll be honest.
I do not have the solution.
And I've even been thinking like, is this something that I need help with?
Like a little more help, you know?
Like, is it time to talk to a professional?
And I'm wondering that.
And it probably is.
But see, the thing is, I'll always give that advice to other people.
But when it's myself, I'm, you know, much quicker to say, no, no, no, I got this handled.
And by the way, that's sometimes true.
Maybe I do.
But I think I'm having a moment of growth with my mental health maintenance where I'm like ooh, I'm starting to wonder if I need a little more help with this.
And I don't know if that is the answer or not yet necessarily, but...
Or if I'm going to have some sort of epiphany or I'm going to develop some sort of coping mechanism.
That's Or not even coping mechanism, but some skill that helps me with this on my own.
That's also possible, you know.
But...
I am realizing that the way that I've been managing my mental health challenges is maybe not working anymore.
It's almost like the monster inside of my brain has grown.
Now I need a bigger sword.
And I'm not sure how I'm going to, where I'm going to get that sword.
I'm not really sure what that sword looks like.
Is it super long?
Does it have a super dramatic handle?
Is it more short and minimalist in its style?
You know, like I don't really know right now.
But I'm on the precipice.
Like I'm on the precipice of like something's got to change.
You know what I'm saying?
I can't live like this, I'm realizing.
And I think admitting that is necessary in growing through it.
But I think the problem is I don't really know what to do.
Only time will tell, you know, and I'm kind of going to let myself discover the solution with time.
But it's just an uncomfortable period right now where I'm like ooh, this is a big problem, you know.
And it's gotten a bit worse.
And I think it getting a bit worse made me realize okay, I need to figure out how I'm going to slay this demon.
And I need to find my weapon.
And I don't know what my weapon is.
But I will say I'm really working hard right now, as I'm in this limbo, in this particular area in my life, to put myself in uncomfortable positions to encourage more growth.
Okay, for example, I'm about to leave for a trip and I'm actually very excited about this trip.
You know, it's a work trip, but it's gonna be really fun.
And on this particular trip, I'm not going with any of my safety blankets, okay?
I'm not taking my parents.
I'm not taking any of my close friends.
I'm going pretty much completely alone.
And there will be people in my travels that I know and love and am very close to, but I'm not going on this trip with anyone, right?
There's no one staying down the hall.
And on this particular trip, I'm stopping in a few places.
And there's no one who's going to be like a consistent person there with me through my travels.
And that's been really anxiety inducing for me, not because I'm worried about being alone.
I'm okay with that right now.
I've done some work on that because I became very dependent on traveling with others for a little while there.
And it kind of caused anxiety for me.
Then I became really anxious about traveling alone because it became really unfamiliar.
And then I encouraged myself to travel alone a few times and I got over that fear and it was very successful.
And I'm feeling much more comfortable traveling alone.
However, And on this particular trip that I'm leaving for, I'm struggling with anxiety about okay, I feel like I'm going to go on this trip.
And while I'm gone, something bad's going to happen.
And I'm going to be really far away from home.
And because I am going to be particularly far away from home, I'm going to Europe.
I mean, that always feels kind of jarring to me because it is... so far away.
It's a 10-hour flight from California, where my whole family is and whatever, and where most of my loved ones are.
And for whatever reason, I'm feeling really uncomfortable with that.
And I've even considered canceling the trip, honestly.
I was like, I don't even know if I want to do this.
But there's opportunities, work opportunities that I'm stoked about, that I will get to do on this trip.
But then my brain is like well, you being stoked about this trip means that something bad is going to happen.
What if something bad happens while you're gone?
My brain is having a hard time just enjoying the moment right now in a way that I think is particularly bad.
And so I'm curious to see what happens because I'm not canceling the trip.
I'm going to go and I think what I'm trying to remember is that it doesn't matter if I'm on this trip or not.
Bad things can happen at any time.
Bad things also might not happen at any time.
Like it doesn't.
I think my brain likes to conflate like oh, if good things are happening in your life, then that means balance must ensue.
And that means bad things must happen too.
And that's just not real.
That's literally just my anxiety and my OCD fucking with me.
It's not real.
You know, and I know that this trip is going to be psychologically challenging for me, which sounds ridiculous to say, because it's like wow, I'm about to go have like a very one, like I could have a really wonderful time and a very productive time.
And but instead, my brain is choosing to catastrophize.
And as much as I want to just cancel it and stay home and be close to everybody and not go, do that, I'm going to go do that.
And I think this trip will really help inform me in what my next move is.
If I have some sort of epiphany or real growth moment, then okay, that might be a sign that I'm developing the skills I need to handle it on my own.
And if not, then maybe it's time to to involve perhaps a professional who can help me with my brain, because I'm not playing around anymore.
It's gotten to that point now and we'll see what ends up happening.
So that's where I'm at with my mental health and wellbeing.
Now let's discuss where I'm at in my career, okay?
I am in a really uncomfortable growth period in my career where it is not clear to me where I want to go next.
And I know that there's something.
You know what I mean?
I feel it in my bones.
I'm like...
There's something coming next, perhaps, but I don't know what it is exactly.
But I know that it's not anything that I've done before.
And I know that because I watch my YouTube videos, for example.
I can't even try to listen to my podcast episodes.
I do not listen to them.
I can't.
But like I watch my YouTube videos, for example.
And I cringe even at like the last video I made a month and a half ago or whatever, two months ago.
Even that video, I cringe at.
And I just made that.
I know like I'm cringing at everything I've ever done right now, which is a totally normal part of growth, especially in a more creative career.
You're going to cringe forever. you're going to cringe at stuff when you've outgrown it.
And I feel like I've outgrown a lot of what I've done thus far in my career.
And I feel like Emma as a 24, almost 25-year-old is ready for the next chapter.
But unfortunately for me, I don't know what that is yet.
I really don't know.
And I've been trying to figure it out for a few months, but it's not coming to me as quickly as I wish it would.
And the most painful part about that is I'm forced to look back at what I've done before and And I'm not satisfied with it.
You know, it makes me uncomfortable because I've grown past it.
But then I don't quite know yet what my next form of say expression is.
I don't really know what it is.
I know I'm kind of taught.
It sounds like I'm speaking in code.
It's so vague, but it's also vague to me.
I don't even know what I want to do.
Like listen, I have some ideas kind of percolating in my head, but nothing is solid enough for me to take action.
And it's driving me.
It's driving me nuts a little bit, especially as somebody who's super type, A kind of a victim to hustle culture, like struggles with attaching my self-worth to my work ethic.
That's something I work on.
And it's very important to me because that's an unhealthy thing to do.
I'm And I'm struggling because I don't feel like I'm making anything right now.
And it's because I don't have any ideas that really feel right.
And that's so normal, right?
Especially, again, in this particular career path that's more creative, it's less of a schedule.
It's very odd.
You know, it's a very odd layout.
And I'm aware of that, but I'm struggling because I'm not very productive.
I don't feel very productive right now in a way.
I want to make something so bad.
I want to make something.
And when I say I want to make something, I think for me ultimately that is entertainment of some sort right.
I guess some could say that I'm on the internet making entertainment.
Really, I guess, if you were to boil it down,
I mean, I think there's a little bit more to it.
I think I kind of teeter between entertainment and weirdly like connection and conversation and vulnerability and whatever it's like, which isn't necessarily inherently entertaining always, but it does serve some sort of purpose in that way.
I want to make something.
I want to, I have this, I'm burning up.
I'm burning on the inside.
Like it's burning a hole into me, but I don't know what it is yet.
I feel like, yeah, it's driving me nuts.
And I feel immense guilt as well, too.
I think especially on YouTube in particular, I want to make YouTube videos so bad.
And I noticed some people, this might sound so fucking stupid.
It's like, yeah, then make one, idiot.
Idiot, make one.
Literally make one.
What?
What are you talking about?
I know.
I
I know it sounds ridiculous, but I feel the most proud of what I'm doing when it's like coming from the right place.
And I'm not just making something to make it, but I'm making something and there's some sort of purpose in it for me.
And yeah, I'm just not really clear on it all right now.
And I don't really know what my next chapter is.
And it's been really hard on my self-esteem, honestly, because as I mentioned, you know, I'm a perfectionist and I attach my sense of self to my productivity at times.
There's been somewhat of an ego death in all of this.
And again from the outside, looking in.
It might not be clear, but I've spent so many days at home staring at the ceiling, thinking getting nothing done.
And that's a part of this career path.
You know what I mean?
That is a part of it.
If your job is creative, that is inevitable.
You're not gonna be able to get stuff done all the time.
And I know that.
But I will say that this particular phase that I'm going through right now has been the longest I think I've ever experienced, where I'm just kind of empty.
And I think the other thing is too is that I know the truth, which is that when, in a phase like this, it's very important to live life, because like not to completely isolate myself and just stare at the ceiling 24-7 right.
Okay, maybe like eight, five.
No, maybe eight, four.
Eight hours a day, four days a week, maybe.
24-7, not good, right?
As a creative person, you have to live your life in order to find inspiration for things.
That's where you find inspiration for things.
And that's where you get ideas.
And I struggle with that at times.
And especially recently, I've really had to force myself to continue to live my life and not just lock myself away until I come up with the ideas I want to come up with.
But I know the truth, which is that I need to go out and live my life in order to come up with those ideas.
So it's safe to say it's a clusterfuck in my brain right now about that.
And listen, again, it's not even like a bad thing.
Like I'm not completely spiraling into oblivion about it.
But it's definitely very uncomfortable to feel sort of aimless, to feel like I don't know what my next move is, to feel like I'm not satisfied with anything I've ever made before.
And again, it's all a normal part of it, but like an ego death comes from that.
An ego death comes from that in a way.
You know, I'm forced to sort of really check in right now and make sure that My sense of self is not just coming from my productivity and my career, because I don't feel like I have it all sorted right now, you know.
And I will say too it's interesting because again, like on the surface, it might not seem like that, because there's a lot of things going on career wise for me that are like years in the making.
Things that I've been working on for years that are just coming out now, which is very exciting.
But at the same time, like I'm I'm thinking about what I want to work on next.
And I think that's what I'm struggling with.
Right.
Having things come out now that I've been working on for years or whatever, that's awesome.
But unfortunately, my brain is like, okay, but you got to figure out what you're doing next.
And that's where I'm sort of confused.
And I think I know the answer to this.
And it's that I can't force it.
I can't force it.
I can't force it out of me.
I need to be more patient with myself, and I can't expect the answers to come to me when I'm trying to force them to come to me.
And that's just the particular dynamic.
That's just the dynamic that comes with any sort of creative job.
There are going to be times where you're completely brain empty and that's where I'm at.
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Now back to the episode.
Next, my social life.
I actually will say when I think about my social life, I feel like my social life is actually quite good.
Maybe that's one of the only areas right now where I don't feel uncomfortable.
I feel pretty good.
I have great friends.
I'm socially.
I will say the only thing that's maybe making me a little bit uncomfortable right now.
There is a little bit of growth going on in this category.
It's just not as obvious as the other categories of my life.
I will say.
One thing that I struggle with is I have a really hard time with not wanting to hang out with people.
Let me explain.
Sometimes you meet people and you just get a vibe and immediately you're like this is somebody I just click with.
You know, this is just... for whatever reason, on a cosmic level, somebody that I just connect with.
Like energetically, it feels light, it feels right, it feels good.
And then sometimes you meet people who maybe on the surface are like honestly super nice, right?
But for whatever reason, there's just an energetic disconnect, okay?
And sometimes that's because maybe you're sensing something.
Maybe there is weird intentions going on with that person.
Maybe they have weird intentions with you, weird motives for wanting to be friends.
Maybe you're just getting a sense that their morals or values don't align with yours or whatever.
Maybe you're too different.
Not that you have to have the exact same morals and values, I guess, as your friends.
You can disagree on certain things.
I think that is totally possible, depending on the things, of course, and how you feel about them.
But yeah, I don't think you need to agree 100% about everything with your friends.
I guess morals and values are pretty heavy and maybe it is more important to be aligned on those things.
But I think morals and values are vast and cover almost every single topic of life.
And I think it's normal and okay to disagree on a few things here and there.
But perhaps you know, when you get a vibe from somebody who maybe seems really wonderful on the surface but you get a weird vibe, you get an off vibe.
Could be you sensing that maybe there is a fundamental difference between you two?
That just wouldn't work or like I don't even know?
Like I...
But sometimes you just get a vibe from somebody and you're like, that just doesn't feel right.
Even if they're so wonderful on the surface.
And see, I have a really hard time, especially in this very social era of my life where I'm trying to make more friends, trying to be as social as possible because it's really good for me and it makes me feel good and it makes me happy.
And that's kind of what life is about.
It's about... other people.
It's about people.
I mean, it's about a lot of things, but I think one of the main things is about connecting with people.
That's one of my favorite things in the whole world.
I assume you might agree.
I think even introverts find that to be wonderful.
I have a really hard time with not trusting my instincts when I get maybe an off vibe from somebody.
And maybe I'm like, oh, I don't really like hanging out with them.
I don't really know why, but I just don't.
I have a really hard time with that.
And I feel a lot of guilt and shame about that.
And I'll often make plans with people that I maybe get an off vibe from.
And then it'll actually cause me a lot of psychological distress.
I'll dread the event.
I'll get anxious after I hang out with these people because they give me a weird feeling.
Perhaps like that's something I really struggle with.
And when you're in a social phase of your life, exposing yourself to a lot of different types of people, there are going to be instances where you have conversations with people that maybe give you a slightly off vibe, but maybe they don't get an off vibe from you and they're like let's hang out.
And you don't necessarily know why, but you're like, I don't really want to.
I don't really want to.
But see, I feel really bad about that.
Really bad about that.
And that's something that I'm trying to figure out.
And I know deep down that there's nothing wrong with just not vibing with somebody.
That's totally fine.
If somebody doesn't vibe with me, I hope that they don't hang out with me.
That doesn't bother me.
If I were to... put myself in other people's shoes, right?
And if I were to find out that say, somebody didn't wanna hang out with me?
Yeah, I mean, it's not the best feeling in the world, okay.
But I can handle that.
I don't want anyone to hang out with me unless they really want to.
But I feel a lot of guilt and anxiety about maybe starting a friendship and then realizing you know what.
This just doesn't feel right.
And then backing off.
I feel guilty.
I feel like I'm judging this person.
I'm saying this person, meaning that's what I say to myself in my head in that moment.
Not saying that there's one particular person that I'm talking about.
Yeah, I feel like I'm being overly judgmental.
But also too, I can get anxious about distancing myself from the person and then them in some way retaliating against me, getting upset, getting angry that I didn't follow through on the friendship and perhaps trying to like sabotage me or ruin my life.
Like, which is ridiculous.
But see, I almost knocked on wood, but I'm trying not to do that anymore because that only makes my OCD worse, because I
My OCD gets very superstitious and I'm really trying to like not do that, because it only just exacerbates it.
So I almost just knocked on wood and you know what?
I'm not doing it.
But I think I'm not going to reach my full social potential until I'm not afraid of really standing in that boundary.
Of like, if I don't want to hang out with somebody, I'm not going to do it.
And it's no hard feelings.
And the vibe can be totally cool and cordial and wonderful if we bump into each other at a party or something.
But like, I don't need to be your bestie.
I don't need to be everyone's bestie.
I can't be everyone's bestie.
And vice versa.
Not everyone needs to be my bestie.
I don't need everyone to like me, you know?
And I've accepted the reverse role, but I think I'm afraid of hurting people's feelings and then them like getting angry and trying to sabotage me.
Or like if I maybe told them a vulnerable story them like going and telling everyone which is a risk.
And again, that's another thing I need to work on.
It's like, okay, well, I'm such a vulnerable person.
Maybe I need to be more mindful about how much I divulge about myself and my feelings and my brain early on into a friendship or relationship, because that only makes this anxiety worse.
So I guess I thought that I didn't have social growth growing on, but I definitely do, now that we've discussed it.
Moving on to morals and values and goals.
I actually will say you know what, maybe this is the category of my life where I feel the most solid.
In fact, I actually feel like I'm I've never been more solid in this area in my life.
But I think what's uncomfortable about that is not that I'm like confused about what my morals and values are, what my goals are, what I maybe think my purpose is or whatever.
I'm not uncomfortable in this area because it's unclear.
But rather because it's so clear right now because it's clearer than it's ever been, I'm looking back at my life and kind of picking it apart right.
Remembering so vividly times where I've not aligned with my ultimate morals values goals purpose, self.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
And it's more clear to me than ever the times in my life that I've maybe fucked up or I've done things that don't feel true to me or feel like a what's the word?
Not a divergence.
Would it be divergence?
Whatever.
It's just I'm kind of being haunted by everything I've ever done, because it's so clear to me right now where I stand on these things.
And I think that is something I'm working through.
Because by the way, again, it's like, Emma, chill.
It's so normal.
We've all done shit that we now cringe at, that we now are ashamed of, that we now wish we didn't do.
Like that is so normal.
It's crazy.
Like everybody on this fucking planet has experienced that feeling.
I bet there's billions of people experiencing that right now.
It's more common probably to experience that feeling than to not at any given moment.
Like I feel like there's probably a 75 chance at any given moment that somebody's kind of cringing at their past or regretting their past, or not even regretting but feeling ashamed of something they did in their past or whatever.
And that's what makes us who we are today.
I know all of this is true, but I think...
There's a recalibration happening for me in a way where it's like, okay, whoa, I'm feeling really solid in who I want to be, who I am, what matters to me, what's important to me, how I want to carry myself in this world, blah, blah, blah, blah.
This is all so clear to me right now.
So, so fucking crystal clear that then it's like I'm just feeling a bit haunted by who I've been prior.
Which again, this kind of goes hand in hand with the career crisis, if you will, where it's like I need to remember.
Just because I'm cringing at it now doesn't mean that what I did was even that bad or cringe, or embarrassing or whatever.
It's more just that I've grown.
It's a sign that I've grown, which I think is actually a beautiful thing.
Being uncomfortable with what you've done before, what you've made, what you've, whatever.
Not feeling satisfied with it is a sign that you're growing.
And that's wonderful, but it's also uncomfortable.
And I think it can be anxiety inducing as well.
And so that's something I'm dealing with.
Is that anxiety?
How do I accept that I haven't always been at the place that I'm at now?
How do I accept that I was once not fully aligned with who I am now, you know?
I think in the career category it's even more complicated, because it's like I'm not stoked on what I've done in the past.
I'm not feeling proud of it.
And that's not to shit on it.
It's just, again, it's like a personal discomfort, right?
I don't want to continue making things like I've made in the past.
Not saying that things are going to change in a way that is drastically different even necessarily.
But I don't even know.
I don't even know.
I don't even know what it is.
I don't even know what's next.
I don't even know.
So that's even more challenging, because it's like I don't even have anything to grasp onto in the current moment where I'm like well, but at least I know what I'm doing next.
And at least I feel really confident and inspired by that.
I don't feel that way.
I don't.
Whereas at least with like the morals and values and purpose and goals category, I'm pretty aligned there.
So it's like I'm more cringing on my past because of how clear I am there.
Whereas with the career it's like I'm cringing at the past and I don't even know what the future is.
God, when I know what the future is, I'll probably cringe even more at my past.
Maybe not though.
Maybe not though.
Maybe I'll be so distracted by what I'm doing in the present moment that it'll sort of erase all shame and embarrassment about what I've made in the past.
And then the last category is love in terms of like romance, I would say.
And I did sort of just talk about this, actually, so I won't get into it into too much detail.
I think the last episode I made was about detachment, particularly in love and romance.
The concept of detachment being, you know, being detached enough from a romantic interest in order to maintain a level of independence and in order to sort of protect yourself, in a way.
Which is something that, that's a skill that I think I've newly sharpened.
You know, not having expectations in my dating life, right?
And that's been really good.
I will say in love romance dating, etc.
I would say the area that I'm being forced to grow in, interestingly enough, is not what you would expect.
Like love and romance and dating, it's all so complicated, right?
But funny enough, I got one of the most challenging parts of it sort of under control right now.
And that is keeping a healthy level of detachment, right?
Like detaching just enough to protect myself, right?
And that's something I struggled with as a young person.
And I have really sorted that out.
You would think that that would be something I'd be struggling with more.
What I'm struggling with is being single for the first time and being sober, okay?
I've been sober for like a year and a half, maybe a little over a year and a half.
I don't drink alcohol anymore.
I don't smoke weed.
I don't do mushrooms.
I'm a sober girl.
The only thing I got going on in my system is caffeine, which we love, and that is awesome, and I will continue to be consuming that, and also a little bit of nicotine here and there.
Yep, have not been able to fully quit that one.
That is going to be a lifelong journey for me, it seems.
And I'm smiling only because I'm just disappointed in myself.
But I also, you know what?
Yeah, those are my substances.
That's all that's running through these veins, okay?
I am sober.
When I go out, I'm sober.
When I'm on a date, I'm sober.
When I'm you know, talking to a boy, I'm sober.
If I kiss a boy, I'm sober.
Do you see what I'm saying?
Like, I have nothing to hide behind anymore.
And you know, what's really interesting is that I realized during this single era of mine that so many of my interactions with guys that I've been interested in In the beginning it's been through the lens of alcohol.
You know, we're at a party.
We're drunk.
You know, we're talking.
It's like we're vibing because we're drunk.
We got, you know, we're loose, whatever.
We're relaxed.
First kiss, drunk.
Do you get what I'm saying?
And now it's like, whoa, I have to date sober.
Sober.
And let me tell you, it has been really, really, really scary.
Like if I see a cute guy, it's really tough for me.
Do you know what I mean?
Like I'm not going up and talking to them.
Like they need to talk to me.
Like I need somebody to like, I'm really struggling with that.
And I will say, I think I'm getting through it.
I'm slowly but surely building my confidence. facing my fears.
Like it's happening, but I will say that it's been really uncomfortable.
I think we take for granted how easy like how I don't think we realize how alcohol impacts how we date how much easier it makes it to just have a conversation with somebody you find attractive.
You know, like the walls, that it breaks down immediately.
You know what I mean?
You're just immediately everybody's sort of disarmed, everybody's relaxed, and It is so scary to do it sober.
And I've been having to do all of this sober and it's so uncomfortable.
It has been so uncomfortable, but I'm really glad that I'm doing it because I think you know, I'm actually learning how to date on my own.
You know no.
No help.
And it's definitely, I think, going to eventually build my confidence to the point where I'm going to be the like most suave motherfucker on the planet.
But I think that's been a really uncomfortable thing for me, sort of just feeling like a turtle.
Like I feel like I'm a turtle.
And every time somebody I think is cute comes around, it's like the head goes in.
And again, I will say, I'm not going to divulge too much detail, but I do think I've improved.
I've faced some pretty big fears and I'm feeling very good about it.
But it doesn't mean that there hasn't been some embarrassing moments.
You know where it's like.
I'm clearly like nervous and I'm being awkward.
And maybe it's not even necessarily noticeable to them, but it's noticeable to me.
Ugh, but I'd have to get through.
I have to push through it because it is one of my goals to find a partner in my life.
I want, I want to love, God damn it.
You know, I do.
So it's like, I got to push through it and it's, it's uncomfortable, but it's growth.
But that's something to think about is how much alcohol impacts dating.
It's a really interesting rabbit hole to go down in your, in your brain.
If you're somebody who drinks alcohol and you know dates a lot like I'm, I think sober dating should become a vibe, because you know what I'm realizing.
Actually, you know what?
I want to make a whole episode about that.
I'm going to stop while I'm ahead because I have a lot of thoughts about sober dating.
So we'll get into that another day.
But It's safe to say I'm going through somewhat of a growth spurt in my life and it's making me a bit uncomfortable.
But I feel really good about it.
Even though it is uncomfortable, even though it is kind of painful, I think it's a normal, healthy part of life.
And for whatever reason, it happens to kind of all be happening all at once.
It seems like a lot of growth is happening all at once.
But that just means that something beautiful is coming.
And I...
I share this story and I share where I'm at with you all to hopefully you know if you're feeling like this, or you've felt like this before, or perhaps you're anticipating that you'll feel this way in the future.
I don't know.
I think there's something comforting about knowing that this is a very normal feeling uncertainty instability, kind of feeling like something's on the precipice.
Like all of this is so normal and we all, we all feel it sometimes.
And so I don't know.
That's why I shared it with you, but I don't really have any key takeaways for you.
So you can take away whatever you want.
But I hope that you enjoyed this episode.
And if you did new episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday, we can hang out.
If you want to join me.
Anything Goes is anywhere you stream podcasts.
I'm on the internet at Emma Chamberlain and my coffee company is Chamberlain Coffee.
I love you all.
I appreciate you all.
Thank you all for hanging out with me.
I love you.
And I'll talk to you next week.
Goodbye.
That was Sabrina Carpenter.
Such a good song.
Oh, such a good song.
Goodbye.
Okay, I can't sing too much or else I get copyrighted.
Okay, love you, bye.
