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I mean, the basic question here, I think, is a lot of us are doing too much.
How do we do less?
Is this something that comes up a lot with your clients?
Yes, and it doesn't come up directly, but people come in feeling anxious, stressed, depleted.
And when I sit with them and talk to them about what their life looks like
It feels like they're on this hamster wheel.
They never can catch up.
And oftentimes the things that are most important to them
Don't have much of a place in their day-to-day schedule.
You're listening to Life Kit.
I'm Mariel Segarra.
And this is Nero Feliciano.
She's a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist.
And she says, yeah, life has become all-consuming.
We don't get much cognitive rest anymore where we don't have to think about things.
Part of that is the extent to which our life has become digital and people have access to us all the time.
It's this constant access, constant communication, very little time for your brain to rest, which then you feel in your spirit unsettled.
And that has become a norm in our culture now.
Yeah, I would almost take it as a given that most people are doing too much, right?
Like scrolling too much, shopping too much, driving their kids to too many extracurriculars, working too much.
But let's say someone isn't sure if their life is too much.
How might they know?
What are the signs?
So do you feel engaged in your life?
Are you tired?
Are you depleted?
Do you feel resentful?
But the other thing is, does your life feel meaningful?
Does it feel fulfilled?
Do you feel joy at different times in your life?
Do you have a sense of peace in your life?
And those things seem more elusive and are becoming harder to access for people given the progression of where our culture has gone.
Nero has thought about this problem a lot.
It comes up with her clients, and she's also written a couple books on the topic, including This Book Won't Make You Happy, Eight Keys to Finding True Contentment.
On this episode of Life Kit, we talk about it, specifically how you can start to account for your time to figure out what you want to add to your life and what you want to cut out, and also how to compromise with the other people in your life, because too much is not necessarily the same for everyone.
Your partner, for instance, might like being busier than you do, or your kid might want more downtime.
And by the way, what you think is too much may have changed too.
So let me just give you one example.
For me, for most of my life, especially being in school for quite a while,
I would sleep four to six hours a night.
And then I hit early perimenopause and my body no longer could function as a normal human being with four to six hours a night.
So I had to decide to do less.
I said, if I need to sleep seven to eight hours a night, I have to take on less.
I need to do less.
The other factor is I have four children.
So more of my time is going to go towards parenting.
You could have two children, but you have children with very different needs, children who need more time.
So that person may say, I'm going to do less because I need more time for these other aspects of my life.
It's dependent on what brings you fulfillment.
For some person, work may be all in.
That's where they get all their fulfillment.
So they want to do more in that area.
But for others, work may be depleting.
So for their mental health and their physical health, they're going to have to scale back where someone else may not.
For folks who do feel like they're doing too much in their lives or just like they're not doing the right things.
Yeah.
How can they start to account for their time and how they're spending it?
So there was a point in my life and practice where I was doing a lot.
It was when my career started shifting towards more media and writing and speaking.
And I remember...
Sitting in my office and I had done eight sessions and several of them were with adolescents.
And at the end of the day, I sat there and I said, when was the last time I've spent 45 minutes listening to one of my kids?
And Marielle, I could not remember the last time.
Yeah.
And that day, I did something that I often encourage my clients to do.
I made a list of the aspects of my life and the people of my life that were the most important to me.
And I added to that list the things that brought me joy.
And then I made another list, and I did a time inventory.
Where's my time going day to day?
And what I saw was that they were very much misaligned.
I did not see enough of a reflection of those things that were most important to me and those things that brought me joy and contentment.
In my day-to-day schedule.
So that is an exercise I take many clients through, to just do a life audit, a time audit.
And it's not that we're going to see
Parallel lines between, okay, my family is the most important to me and they're taking up the most time in my schedule.
But like I said, we should see a reflection of it.
Where do I have time where I can be with my family and make time for my family?
Or I love to read books.
Where am I making time for that in my daily life?
And what I found was when I reevaluated
When I realigned, it doesn't take much to be able to begin to feel it in your body.
It doesn't have to be a complete overhaul, but we begin to feel it.
They say when your schedule begins to align with your values is when we begin to feel that inner peace.
Takeaway one, make a list of the people and the activities that are the most important to you and that bring you the most joy.
And then do a time inventory.
What are you actually spending your time on day to day?
And are the lists matching up?
When Nero did this, she found that she was spending a lot of unnecessary time on social media and scrolling.
But those things were not on her most important list.
After the break, how to cut back.
A lot of this comes down to boundaries.
With yourself and with other people.
What I always say is the only people who will push back on your healthy boundaries are the people who benefited from you not having them.
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I wonder once you do this audit, if you start by saying, here's what I'm going to cut out or if you start by saying, here's what I'm going to add.
Well, if you can add without cutting out, great, fantastic.
But for most people, time is the issue, right?
So in order to add, you may have to cut out.
It's interesting, when I wrote the chapter in my book about living in this way with priority and intention, the conversation that followed the timeout was one of boundaries.
So in order to make more time, where do we need to set some boundaries?
Because that's what I find with people too who are doing too much.
There can often be an element of what are you doing that makes you feel resentful, depleted, exhausted.
And oftentimes there is a boundary that needs to be set in those places.
Mm-hmm.
How do you communicate about that?
Because it's not like the things we do are just involve us, right?
If I stop doing something that affects my family or my friends or my job or whatever else.
Yeah.
When you communicate to someone that I am recognizing I'm really exhausted and
And it's affecting my physical health.
It's affecting my mental health.
And I need to cut back in these ways.
That, in essence, is setting a healthy boundary.
And what I always say is the only people who will push back on your healthy boundaries are the people who benefited from you not having them.
And those who are pro your physical mental health will be on board at a certain point.
I often have this conversation with mothers, parents, because they are doing so much for their children and this is the parenting generation that we're in.
Sometimes they may be doing too much for their partner.
They can enlist their partner's help in doing some of these things.
They can enlist their children's help in doing some of these things.
And that's actually good for everyone on board.
Yeah.
When you are in a family unit or a group of some kind you may end up having to do things with your time that you don't really want to because the other person does right of course
How can we figure out when to compromise and when we should be selfish
This is a great question and
I will tell you, especially after being married for 23 years – I'm still married –
I tend to lean towards sacrifice over compromise because oftentimes when we compromise, no one's happy at the end of it.
We're meeting somewhere in the middle and no one fully gets what they want.
And I know this is not a black and white conversation.
Obviously, there are situations where that works.
But I tend to see it as, I'm going to make the sacrifice and do what you want to do in this moment.
And I know you're going to do that for me.
And I'm going to ask that of you.
Now, if you are constantly the one that's sacrificing.
You have to make changes.
You have to advocate for your own needs.
You have to express your own needs.
And, you know, my husband is more of a people pleaser than me.
I've learned to set boundaries and he just is a doer.
He does, does and does.
So for him, he will sacrifice to the point again where he gets resentful and depleted, but has never told me what his needs are.
So I think it's really important that we learn to voice our needs to our partners and figure out, okay, how can we work this out so that I have time to do these things that are meaningful to me?
Yeah.
That is so smart, the idea of sacrifice over compromise.
Yeah.
And I think that that can create goodwill in your relationships so that the other person wants to sacrifice for you as well.
Yeah, it's really powerful, you know, and especially if you are sacrificing not begrudgingly or resentfully, but rather with the spirit that I know this is important to you and I want you to experience joy and I know this is going to make your life easier.
So I'm on board with it.
Then you are more likely to get that back.
And sometimes we actually have to communicate that out loud because if it's a sacrifice for us, that person may not realize it.
Takeaway two, start to cut back on the time wasters, the things you do that are not actually a priority for you or that take time away from what's important.
You might need to set boundaries for yourself.
For me, that means blocking some apps on my phone
And keeping my phone outside of my bedroom.
Also being mindful when I'm considering an invitation, asking myself, is this how I want to spend those few hours or that day?
Would that align with what's most important to me?
You may also have to communicate with other people.
Hey, I'm taking a break from X or Y, or I'm no longer doing this activity.
Of course, our relationships are important, and in a relationship, you and the other person might have different priorities.
In these situations, Nero is a proponent of sacrifice over compromise, which works better if both people have that perspective.
We'll have more Life Kit after the break.
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So you've done a time audit, let's say, and you're thinking about what you want to trim back on, what you want to do more of.
After you cut something out, I wonder how do you actually exist in the open space that creates space?
The impulse might be to immediately fill it with something else, right?
Or you might feel guilty because you stopped doing whatever it was, stopped playing soccer.
Say you cut something out.
Now you may actually feel like you have time to do the things that are on your plate.
So for those people...
They may not necessarily miss it.
They may feel more in control of their life.
They may feel less depleted.
But say you're taking something out.
One.
Be purposeful about how you're using that time.
Is there something that you love to do that brings you peace or joy that you haven't done in a long time or something that you do that maybe you want to do more of?
In that time.
If we think about those things prior to getting to that moment, we'll know how to fill it.
Is there a person who you really want to connect with or talk with that you haven't seen in a while that you'd like to take a walk with?
Reach out to that person.
Do you have a few minutes where you can just be still and rest your body
Even doing nothing is okay.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I think a lot of us struggle to feel comfortable with that idea of doing nothing or being bored.
That piece of not being able to be bored and constantly seeking the dopamine that screens give us has affected all areas of our life.
I would say
If you know I can't be bored, we have to start with that issue, right?
And recognize that there's something going on in our brain, in our neurochemistry that is preventing us from being able to just be.
I think it's this perfect storm for me where it's the technology.
And then it's also this feeling of that productivity is the ultimate virtue.
And then there's this existential fear of dying and not having...
It's not even not having accomplished enough.
It's like not having enjoyed or appreciated or made the most of my life.
It's funny because if I really want to focus on enjoying and appreciating and making the most of my life, then I would –
Put the phone down and just enjoy.
And I would worry less about being productive and more about savoring.
But sometimes those things become a stand-in for making the most of your life.
You're like, this is how I'm going to make the most of my life.
I'm
That's exactly it.
And in the process, you feel like you're fulfilling some sort of purpose by being productive.
You know, it's interesting because in that first book I wrote, I talk about how our value is so steeped in acquisition and accomplishment.
We have to do more and be more and have more in order to feel worthy.
But we have to look at what cost at what cost, right?
How do we feel truly at the end of it?
Takeaway three, learn to exist in the open space you've created.
Don't immediately rush in to fill it.
Get comfortable with being bored sometimes.
And also look back to that list you made of what's most important to you so you can be purposeful about how you use this newly freed up time.
Nero says this impulse to do more and more, to be busier and busier, it can leave you in endless pursuit.
And it tends to be something when your value and identity lie in acquisition and accomplishment, you will constantly be searching for it.
You'll constantly be pursuing it.
And when you get to a certain level, when you hit the goal, the goalposts then moves.
So it is a cycle that unless you choose to get off it, then you're going to constantly be chasing.
Yeah.
Like the spinning wheel on your computer always buffering.
Yes.
Yeah.
And if you talk to people who are in that cycle, they feel that way.
What's the next thing I have to do?
What's the next thing I need to feel fulfilled?
They're looking for it constantly.
So these are the types of conversations we have
When someone is feeling like they're doing too much and maybe not really feeling fulfilled at the end of it.
And also what's going to happen to if you don't change?
What's your life going to look like a year from now, five years from now?
Is that worth not making the change?
Nero, thank you so much for this.
Oh, my pleasure.
It's always good to talk with you.
Takeaway two, start cutting back on the time wasters.
You might need to set boundaries with yourself or to communicate with other people as you do this.
And when you're deciding on your priorities versus the ones of your partner or someone else you're close to, consider sacrifice over compromise, as long as they're reciprocating that at other times.
Takeaway three, learn to exist in the open space you've created.
Don't immediately rush to fill it.
Also, look back to that list you made of what's most important so you can be purposeful about how you use your time going forward.
All right, before we go, I was wondering, would you rate and review Life Kit in your podcast app?
Tell us a favorite tip or what kinds of episodes you like the best.
We love hearing from you.
This episode of Life Kit was produced by Margaret Cerino.
Our digital editor is Malika Garib and our visuals editor is CJ Rikulan.
Megan Cain is our senior supervising editor and Lauren Gonzalez is our executive producer.
Our production team also includes Andy Tegel, Claire Marie Schneider, Kayla Lattimore and Sylvie Douglas.
Engineering support comes from Kwesi Lee.
I'm Marielle Segarra.
Thanks for listening.
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