Hello, welcome to or welcome back to Trinidad Care.
If you're new here, my name is Ashley.
I post every single Monday and we just sit down, we chat, we have a good time and normally I don't record in my car but it was just so noisy at my house today and I was feeling really uninspired and what do I do when I feel uninspired?
I come and I sit in my car and this is usually where I yap.
If you follow me on TikTok, I do these like car chats and I just kind of do what I do on the podcast but in short form content on tiktok and i give you advice but i just love being in my car i love being with my leopard car seats it just makes me happy i'm a simple girl i love to drive around my car
be in my car get a coffee and just chill out so i thought it'd be good to just sit down and record today's episode in my car also if you didn't know you can now watch the podcast on youtube if you're a visual girl and you like to watch your podcast instead of just listening but you can still listen
to me on Spotify, you can still listen to me on Apple, I ain't going anywhere but my YouTube is linked in the description along with my Instagram, my TikTok, if you just want to follow along.
Okay so for today's episode I'm going to keep it really real with you and just tell you what's on my mind, what's going on.
So there's a few mutuals that I've met through social media and at this point I would consider them friends or I did consider them friends.
We've facetimed we've texted i've shared things with these people and when i was going through a really bad friendship breakup publicly these people had reached out to me and i kind of explained the situation to them and they agreed that it was fucked up and now months and months later these people
that told me that what this person did to me was fucked up and they didn't agree with what this person did to me are now hanging out with this person and publicly supporting them and although it sucks to see that at this point in my life I don't feel comfortable telling someone what they can and cannot do
I am not going to be the person to be like you can't be friends with this person you have to be mean to this person I'm not going to say you know if you want to be my friend you can't be friends with this person because I have been that person in the past and I've just come to realize that it does no good
usually they still end up picking the other person over you because people hate an ultimatum and I think at this point in my life I'm just now realizing that it's like well if you do want to support that person knowing how they hurt me so deeply maybe we're just not aligning and like maybe this friendship
just isn't going to work out rather than giving them an ultimatum I'm kind of just choosing what is best for me but although I've come to this conclusion of like I don't want to be that person I don't want to be someone who tells someone what they can and cannot do of course there's still part of me
that is hurt and wishes that they would just make that decision on their own and they wouldn't pursue a friendship with that person because it's like in my mind i wouldn't do that to you i wouldn't go out of my way to be friends with someone who has hurt you it obviously doesn't feel good when your
feelings are not being reciprocated but i think this is something that a lot of people go through especially when you're younger and you're kind of figuring out who your real friends are.
So in today's episode, we're going to talk about this idea of a friend to all is a friend to none, what that means, why it's such a hard thing to navigate, and what to do if you're in that situation right now.
So with that being said, let's get into today's episode.
To me, this phrase of a friend to all is a friend to none means that if someone is trying to be friends with everyone, they're kind of taking away the whole idea of what a friendship really is like if someone is for everyone they're really for no one because friendship is so much more than just being
friendly and like hanging out with someone you have a deeper connection with these people or with this person there's loyalty there's so much more than just like hanging out with someone or liking someone's Instagram photo that's why I think with guys it's so much easier to have multiple friends and have friends
that don't get along because their friendships are kind of surface level in a way they don't connect the way that women typically connect and I've talked about this before but it's like I'll be talking to my fiance and I'll be like how is this guy doing with his breakup and he'd be like how would I
know and I'm like well you were just talking to him on xbox for like four hours you were just golfing with him all day and it just like some guys don't connect on the same level as women do when it comes to friendships genuine friendships are built off that deeper level of connection and loyalty and that just
can't be spread among every single person you meet it doesn't matter if that person's super nice to you it's not the same as your best friend like you can't compare this person that was just kind to you at this event to your best friend that you've known for years true friendship in my opinion is having
this like very specific niche connection with a person or a group of people rather than like a huge amount of acquaintances.
Not to say that you should be closed off and nasty and like disrespectful to people just because they aren't your friends but you do kind of owe your friends more than you do the average person because you know those people and you've built a relationship with those people.
You've built trust, you've built loyalty, you've built that connection.
So in my opinion, you do kind of owe your best friends the respect of like not hanging out with their ex best friend or their ex boyfriend or someone who's like tried to ruin their life just because it's like why would you why would you want to do that to your friend for example i don't personally have beef
with any of my best friend's ex -boyfriends but you wouldn't catch me dead hanging out with them texting them like going out of my way to be friendly to them because it's just kind of this like known thing of like they hurt you so i don't fuck with them it's just like this unspoken rule that you don't
do. I mean, I'm not going out of my way to like terrorize these people and make their lives hell, but I'm also not going out of my way to make them a figure in my life.
Like in all honesty, my best friend's ex -boyfriend is dead to me.
I have no purpose in thinking about them or being around them unless my best friend says, you know, I want to talk to this person again.
I want to date this person again.
I don't care how nice that ex -boyfriend was to me I don't care if they try to persuade me to be a figure in their life I don't owe you anything I don't owe you loyalty but I owe my best friend loyalty I owe my best friend respect and if she doesn't fuck with you I certainly do not fuck with you and I
feel like most people would agree that's the right thing to do like yeah you shouldn't be hanging out with your best friend's ex -boyfriend you shouldn't be hanging out with someone who has terrorized your best friend like duh but not everyone sees it that way there's some people that think well this person hasn't
done anything to me personally like they haven't been mean to me personally so like why am I gonna close myself off and like not be friendly to this person when like I don't even know them like this person doesn't have a problem with me and I don't have a problem with this person so like why shouldn't
I be allowed to be around them why shouldn't I be allowed to talk to them and It's like, you're allowed to talk to them.
No one's telling you you can't talk to them.
But it's just like a respect thing.
Like, why do you need to talk to this person?
I do think it's good to have your own boundaries.
Like if you don't feel comfortable being mean to someone in support of your friends, like don't be mean to them.
You don't have to be mean to anyone.
But you also don't have to be nice to them.
You don't have to go out of your way to befriend this person and be around them.
Especially if you didn't have a connection to them prior to your friend or this friend having a follow up with this person.
I understand how it can be tricky if you're in like a friend group or you're friends with two people who have a follow and you feel like you have to pick a side but you don't want to because you're equally as close with both of these people.
I think that's very different than what I'm speaking about today.
I think that has to be handled differently.
I think that's something that you need to talk about with those friends.
But I'm just saying like if you're not friends with someone or you don't have a connection with someone already and this person does something to someone that you love why do you need to now go form a connection with that person?
Why do you have to go socialize with them?
Why do you have to be nice to them?
Like what is what are you getting out of that other than just making another person like you?
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
In today's episode I talk about feeling like a friend isn't really being considerate of what you've been through and your feelings and that can definitely be a red flag to look out for in friendships.
I talk a lot about red flags in friendships and relationships but I feel like we don't talk enough about green flags.
I think green flags are just as important to look out for in friendships and relationships but a lot of people don't know what green flags may look like.
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Now let's get back to today's episode.
The reason why so many people have difficulty with standing 10 toes down and supporting their friend and being like, you know what?
I don't need to be friends with that person.
I don't need to socialize with that person.
I don't need to be nice to that person that has been so mean to you is because they're afraid of being disliked they're afraid of being perceived negatively by that person or by those people some people prioritize being popular and having a lot of friends and being liked by a lot of people over having
genuine friendships with a small amount of people they would rather have a large amount of friendships even if they're very superficial and surface level then a small group of friends or even like one or two friends who are super genuine and are going to ride till the day they die for them like there
really are people that would stab their best friend in the back if that meant that 10 people were going to like them and think they were so cool and invite them to the coolest parties but what these people don't realize is those 10 people they don't have a genuine connection with them they don't have any
loyalty to them so they can turn their back on you so fast and you're gonna be left with no one they're not realizing that yes you might get someone to like you but you're also going to make someone hate you like if you're gonna turn your back on your best friend and betray your best friend for an acquaintance
you might make that acquaintance happy you might get their approval they might think you're so cool but now your best friend is going to not respect you anymore they're not going to trust you anymore and they're not going to want to be around you anymore so it's like yeah you made a new friend but you
also just made a new enemy i am much more likely to lose respect for someone or like not take someone as seriously if i see them accommodating everyone and like not really taking a stand i think loyalty is such an important trait to have in your friendships and relationships so if i see you being able
to turn your back on someone so quickly just to gain something that's gonna turn me off it just leaves a very sour taste in my mouth to see someone prioritize what strangers think of them than what their best friends and loved ones think of them like why do you care so much about strangers liking you
people that you've never talked to before like why do you care more about that than what your best friend or like your boyfriend or whoever thinks about you?
Like don't you care more about their feelings than people that you've never even spoken to before?
When I see that it makes me not want to pursue a friendship with someone or like pursue it further with someone because it's like I don't feel comfortable even getting close with you.
I don't want to open up with you knowing that if someone else comes along that's able to give you more than I can give you that you're just going to turn your back on me and like also weaponize what I've told you to get closer to those people like that's the worst kind of person someone who preys on your
vulnerability and your trust to get closer to you and once you get close to them and you give them everything that they want and then they turn their back on you when you're not able to provide something else for them like I had a friend who I connected with over social media we loved hanging out because we
could really relate to each other when it came to social media and it was just really fun it felt very natural but then I realized that it became very transactional like she only wanted to hang out if we were making content or if I was able to give her some type of like tips regarding social media or regarding
the podcast and once I made it more known that like I cared more about our friendship than it being transactional and I wanted to focus more on like our connection rather than like building something on social media that's when she kind of backed off and she got closer to people who were bigger on social
media and it's like I get it they're able to provide something for you that like I clearly can't like that's what's more important to you than like go ahead go do it but like I just can't be around people like that I can't be around people who use your friendship as a like a stepping stone and just
discard you when they find another friendship that can benefit them more another consequence of prioritizing a lot of friendships over having like deep meaningful ones is you end up feeling really alone and you might not feel it at first you might not feel it all the time like if you have a bunch of friends
that you have to go out with and you're partying and you're drinking you're having so much fun of course in the moment you're going to feel like you're having the time of your life and you're going to feel like you're fitting in but when you go home or when you're struggling and you need someone to
talk to it's like oh shit who can I talk to like I have all these friends but like we don't connect on anything other than like getting green tea shots like all we talk about is what we're doing next weekend and if we're growing on social media which is fine like it's okay to have those friendships
it's okay to have friendships that are very low maintenance that aren't intimate you're not trauma dumping all the time but when you don't have those meaningful friendships it becomes really hard because it's like who can i talk to what do i do when i need support who do i go to when i just like want
to chill and watch a movie and i don't want to go out on the weekends when you have that realization it can be like oh shit like it looks like i have a lot of friends it looks like i'm super popular and it's like a lot of people like me but they don't really know me like they don't care about me i have a lot
of acquaintances i don't have a lot of friends that's why i think quality over quantity it doesn't matter how many friends you have it doesn't matter what it looks like it's like what does it feel like like do your friends make you question if you're actually friends do you feel supported by your friends
i always say this i always say this and i'm always gonna say it it is better to be alone than surrounded by people who make you feel lonely i used to be that girl that thought that i had to have a friend group i had to have girls to go out with i had to have a good group of girlfriends and yeah that's
fun but not if that group of people make you feel alone and make you question if you're friends with them like i had friends i had a bunch of friends but those friends weren't texting me back they were leaving me out of plans they were hanging out and talking to people who hurt me so deeply like i was trying
to have a friendship with people who were actively speaking to people who terrorized me in high school like there was no reason that I should be friends with someone who's talking to someone who tried to push me down the stairs at a party, who wished that I died in a car accident, who tried to push
me into a locker or did push me into a locker in high school.
Like, why do I want to be around someone who's okay with someone treating me like that?
It doesn't matter if it happened right now when we are friends or 10 years ago.
If you know someone treated me like that, why would you want to be around them and why would i want to be around you who's okay with being around someone like that i now have really good friendships and these friendships aren't in a friend group they're all different types of friendships and i love
that because it's like i can now grow so many different connections but in different ways and it's just based off our connection rather than like a friend group like of course there's still times that i wish that i had like a big group of girlfriends that hung out and we could like go get dinner and go
on trips together because you see that on social media and it looks so fun but i would rather have a few girlfriends who like don't talk to each other but like i have a good connection with them individually then try to fit into these like groups of people just to like have that but like not have a deep
connection with those people if that makes sense i guess the point i'm trying to make is although it might seem appealing to have a bunch of friends or be a part of a friend group or be liked by everyone.
At the end of the day, it should matter more about how you feel and the connection you have with those people or with that person.
Like sure, you have a lot of friends, but you don't have anyone who's going to be loyal to you or there for you when you need someone.
You don't have anyone that you can rely on.
You have someone that you can get drinks with, but you don't have a real friend.
You have a bunch of acquaintances, but not a real friend.
The lighting's getting kind of weird in my car because of how it's facing i already switched the position of my car to like face away from the sun but it's just what that's life that's how it is okay anyways i want to end this episode with talking about how to deal with a friendship where you feel like
this person is prioritizing others and their connection over yours or you feel like your feelings are being dismissed and this person is pursuing people who have mistreated you and they know that something that has really helped me when deciding whether or not I should continue a connection with someone
is realizing that if you have expressed to this person that someone has hurt you they've mistreated you and that person still goes and tries to seek out a connection with that person despite what they did to you they are actively choosing that connection with them over you they are prioritizing their
feelings over your feelings they're saying you know i know that this hurts you i know that you're not okay with me hanging out and talking to this person but i care more about building a connection with them than being there for you as your friend this show is sponsored by zoc doc i got hit with the nastiest
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It really is a slap in the face to have someone look at you and say, you know, I know that this person has mistreated you.
I know that they've hurt you.
I know that you don't feel comfortable with me having a connection with them, but they haven't done anything to me.
so I'm going to continue that connection.
It's like, I know that they didn't hurt you and I'm glad they didn't hurt you, but they hurt me.
And if I was your best friend, if I was an important person in your life, if you cared about me, it would piss you off what they did to me.
It would piss you off how they hurt me.
And the fact that you're okay with what they did to me makes me feel like maybe I'm not as important as I thought it was maybe our friendship isn't what I thought it was I think it's important to not allow others to make you feel bad about feeling hurt like don't let other people dismiss how you feel
because there's going to be people who say well like they didn't do anything to me so like I'm going to be friends with them and like you can't expect me to not be friends with them like you're being too dramatic or like you're being unfair and you're giving me an ultimatum.
I think you just need to understand that not everyone is going to have the same heart as you.
Not everyone is going to think the way that you think and ride for people the way that you do.
I am someone who gets super fired up when the people in my life are disrespected and mistreated.
I want to fight for them.
I want to fight their battles because I'm so protective over them.
I just want them to have the best of the best.
I can't imagine anyone giving them less than that but you can't expect everyone to be like that for you you can't expect the people in your life to fight your battles or to be as charged up as you are but with that being said you don't have to allow disrespect just because someone doesn't understand where you're
coming from doesn't mean you need to allow it just because someone says well i don't get it i don't get why i can't be friends with this person it doesn't mean that you need to fold and be like oh it's okay you know they try to ruin my life they hurt me so deeply they broke my heart but you know you
want to be friends with them go ahead I'll just be okay I'll just like watch on Instagram and like watch you hang out with like my arch nemesis like go ahead do it let them let them do it you don't have to be that person you don't have to be the bigger person and be like oh it's okay you know it hurts
me but as long as you're happy you don't have to be that person it's okay for you to say I love you and I really wanted this friendship to work out but I don't think we're seeing eye to eye I don't think we're on the same level I don't think we want the same things and I need to take my space and do
what's best for me if someone wants to consider that an ultimatum that's fine but you can't have your cake and eat it too if someone's saying like this is hurting me and I personally can't do it like you could do whatever you want I'm not making you do anything but I need to do what's best for me and they
still don't respect that like that's not your problem I think establishing boundaries is super important and I know it can be really hard to have those conversations because no one wants to be that person to be like you can't be friends with this person like you know if you're friends with this person then
I can't be friends with you because like that's my boundary no one wants to say that no one wants to hear that and I don't think it's productive to say those things for me establishing those kind of boundaries looked like telling my friends like hypothetically like this person hurt me and I think it
would hurt me even more to see people in my life befriend her or like support her because of what she did and she's continuing to do so it didn't put too much pressure on my friends of like if you talk to her if you hang out with her I won't be your friend it was just like this is how I feel and it
would hurt to see and I also wasn't accusing them of like are you going to go do it did you are you talking to her it was just like this very honest conversation of like this is what happened this is how I feel and this is what I would feel like if this were to happen and my best friends were really
good about it they were all there for me when everything went down and I think it was just like this very obvious thing of like well no shit like duh like obviously we're not going to talk to that girl obviously we're not going to support that girl because what she did to you was batshit crazy and like
that's not okay with us I think when you set a boundary like that and you have that kind of conversation with your friends of like I'm not okay with this you need to be open to the idea of them not understanding you and not being okay with what you're saying because like you could say like I wouldn't
feel okay with my friends being friends with this person because of what she did to me and your friends can still say I don't agree with you I'm still going to be friends with this person and you can't make them do anything and you need to be okay with the fact that you're not going to agree and you
have to make a decision after that like are you going to be okay with them pursuing that friendship with that person or are you going to have to walk away you can't make anyone do what they don't want to do you can't make anyone not talk to someone or not be friends with someone they want to be friends
with them let them let them be friends with them like that's their choice and it sucks to see it but that's what they want to do there's this quote that I really love that goes accept people as they are but place them where they belong you can't change anyone you can't make anyone do anything so when someone
shows you who they are and that raises concerns it is your job to decide okay what do I want to do where does this person fit into my life it's not the time to be like okay it's time to change this person no it's time to change your plan it's time to change what you're going to do what you're going
to accept what you're going to allow there might be someone that you've been friends with for so many years and they've always been a very significant person in your life but you've gotten to a point where you're just not aligning and it doesn't make sense anymore and it's okay for you to be like okay
where does this person belong in my life now should i take a step back do they belong in like my top five do they fit in my top 10 like is this working is this what I want it's okay for you to make that change just because someone had access to you for many many years doesn't mean that they are given
like an all -access pass for life it's okay for you to pull back and be like okay this is what I have to do this is what's best for me and our friendship moving forward like I was saying before you can be really open and honest with someone and tell them exactly how you feel and express a concern and be
like hey I don't feel comfortable with you being as close with this person because you know what they did to me and it makes me feel like you don't respect me or like care about my feelings and that person might be like okay well I don't really care like I don't get it they didn't do anything to me
and you might want to be like okay well it's me or them I don't think that's productive I don't think it's productive to give them that ultimatum because it's just gonna piss them off no one wants to be told what they can and cannot do so like even if they love you and care about you having someone
tell them like you can't be friends with that person is going to make them want to be friends with them even more even if they would pick you over them if that makes sense so I think just allowing people to make their own decisions and do what they would actually do without you interfering says so much
if someone knows how you feel and they dismiss it and they don't care about how you're feeling that tells you exactly how they feel about you and what they want and it sucks to see that it sucks to hear that but it also sucks to be friends with someone who would do that to you like do you really want to
be friends with someone who doesn't care if people hurt you do you really want to be around someone who just like makes it so nonchalant like oh it's okay they hurt you well they didn't do anything to me do you really want to be around someone like that?
Like, would you do that to someone?
Probably not. So surround yourself with people who are like you and take you seriously the way that you do with them.
I know that it hurts.
And I know you want the friendship to work out.
But you don't need to tolerate the disrespect.
If someone's making you feel uncomfortable.
And they're not doing anything to change that.
And they're showing that they don't care.
You don't need to make yourself even more uncomfortable to make the friendship work you can't expect you from everyone you can't expect everyone to reciprocate the same energy like of course that's the goal to surround yourself with people who give you what you know you give them but if you expect that from everyone
you're going to be so let down it did suck to see those mutuals of mine hang out with that person that hurt me and support that person that hurt me after me expressing to them what had happened and what she had done to me and them say like yeah that was messed up it stings but it's not the end of the world
like it's not productive of me to like text them and like try to change their minds or like understand the switch up because it's like yeah we were friends but we weren't close we facetimed we texted but like we weren't close so like just because I wouldn't have done that to them doesn't mean that like
they have to give me that back it would have been nice and i want that kind of energy from people but i can't expect it rejection is redirection when someone shows you who they are or how they feel about you take note of it and keep it moving like you don't need to dissect it or try to understand it
fully you don't need to change their mind listen observe and keep it moving don't get so hung up on who's not giving you the same energy back and focus more on continuing to build those relationships and friendships with people who do give you that same energy who do respect your boundaries and make
you feel seen and cared for that is where I'm going to end today's episode mainly because my camera keeps shutting off because it's overheating since it's in the sun but I hope that today's episode was helpful I hope you're able to relate to it in some way I know a lot of you ask about friendship advice
friendship breakups there's a new google form in the show notes where you can ask for advice if you have any more questions um i'm going to be doing an advice session kind of soon so let me know it does have to be about friendships it could be relationships mental health about your job literally anything
whatever you want to ask me go ahead and ask me there you can ask me on instagram my instagram my tiktok my youtube everything is in the show notes if you're watching on youtube let me know if you like the vibe of like sitting in my car i love sitting in my car i can't wait until i have a studio though
to like have a good production for the podcast but that will come eventually anyways i hope you like today's episode if you did make sure to subscribe make sure to share the podcast let me know what you think yada yada yada me yapping yapping yapping okay i love you and i will talk to you next Monday.
Thanks for coming and hanging out with me.
Love you. Goodbye.
