Hi, my name is Zach Galifianakis, and I feel Zach Galifianakis about being Conan O'Brien's friend.
I have to say, I feel up, Zach Galifianakis.
You don't seem up.
Fall is here, hear the yell.
Back to school, ring the bell.
Brand new shoes, walking blues.
Climb the fence, books and pens.
I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
Hey there, and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined by Sonam Obsession.
Hi.
And, wow, let's pump it up a little bit.
Hi, hi.
I wish you were a voice on Siri.
Oh.
And you're just like, hey.
Hi.
Yeah.
There'd be no follow-ups for Siri.
What else can I help you with?
Forget it, Siri.
And David Hopping, you're a cheery chap.
Hello.
Good to see you.
You too.
Sonia, you asked me to do a lot of favors and I want to talk about this.
What?
Yeah, you do.
You asked me to do a lot of favors.
It's can you do this for me?
Can you do that for me?
You know, it's Armenian this week and it's Armenian that week.
Can you do a thing for me?
And it's sometimes I want you to know that it's a little much.
You take advantage.
Can you do a blurb for my book?
Oh.
Can you also write an intro, then an outro?
I mean, what's going on?
Do you see me and just see a doormat?
Is that what you see?
Hey, what if I get you a doormat?
And instead of saying welcome, it's just my face because you walk all over it all the time anyway.
It's so unfair.
I'm so mad.
I hate asking you for favors.
I know.
Well, you don't hate it that much.
I'm sorry.
How could you hate it that much?
Why are you cackling so hard about it?
You're like the bird saying, I hate building a nest.
How many times do I tell you Conan agreed to do something for me?
Hey, guess what?
I'm an owl saying, I hate hooting.
Hoo, hoo.
Hoo, hoo.
Hoo, hoo.
I sure hate it.
Hoo, hoo.
Hoo, hoo.
23 hours later, hoo, hoo.
I sure hate it.
Oh, that's my impression.
If you were an owl and asking a favor was hooting, you'd be hooting a lot.
Yeah, no, it's good.
It's good for you to explain it.
I hate asking you for favors.
There's so many things people ask me to ask you that I specifically say you filter stuff out.
Yeah.
How could there be more are you talking about?
Do you know how much stuff?
First of all, it's your fault, because you made me.
You put me on this podcast.
People know who i am.
Now i'm attached to you for the rest of your life, until you die, and so please, that's not for months.
Oh, come on, But it's, it comes with.
I'm sorry you did it.
It's it's your it's you.
It's your fault.
Your speech champion.
Oh, come on.
Listen, I listen.
I don't begrudge you anything.
No, it's.
I do.
Of course I do.
I just made it the whole front of the show.
Yes.
It's a lot.
And David, do I do a lot of favors for people?
You do a lot of favors for everybody, not just Sona.
Yeah.
What the fuck, David?
I'm just supporting.
I don't ask for that many favors.
You do favors for everyone.
You do favors.
Raise your hand if Sona's ever done a favor for you.
Yeah.
The only...
I actually never asked for favors.
When your Aquaman figurine got stolen from your apartment, you asked me to put up posters and I did.
I never asked.
Then when your Iron Man got stolen, I put up posters for that.
That's right.
He offered.
Then, when several hundred of your other figurines were stolen, you asked me to call the police for you, and I did.
That's right nice, i was just saying i never asked for favors, but i know that you would help me out.
The only favor i've ever asked you for is when you were in my short film and you did it and it was.
So don't say i you never asked me.
Yeah, but that was.
But in 25 years i've asked you for one thing, can i Yeah?
To be in a movie you made.
That's a big favor.
When you.
I'm just saying you can't start by saying I never ask for favors, except for that one time when you did me a huge favor.
I'm trying to help you in your argument with Sona.
Why are you attacking me?
Because when I see you, I just see red.
Yeah.
You're like, I'm a I'm a bull and you're a giant red blankie.
It's flopping around in the wind.
You do a lot of favors for everybody.
And I don't know that you've ever asked any of us for a favor.
You know, Baskin Robbins famously, I think, had 38 flavors.
I think I do more than 38 favors a day.
That's our whole job.
Our whole job was doing stuff for you.
That's our whole job.
You get paid for that.
I know.
I got you your lunch today.
I ordered you Aleve.
Can we talk about that?
Yeah.
Hey, if people know out there that I occasionally take Aleve, I don't know what you like to keep secret.
No, that's a secret.
I think we've all... No one must know of my Aleve.
You know, that's why I always, when I throw out my Aleve bottles, I always...
I always try to throw them out in someone else's trash can, because no one can know that I occasionally have some muscle stiffness.
I don't have time for this bit.
I'm angry right now.
I'm so mad right now.
Are you really mad?
Are you done with the Aleve thing right now?
Because I want to address this accusation you hurled.
I'll leave it for now.
Home run.
OK, wait a minute.
There's too much to unpack here, as the kids say these days.
I hate that saying, but my wife uses it all the time.
We and sometimes she says it while we're unpacking.
And then I think, OK, whatever.
Anyway, let's revisit this later on in the show and get to our next guest.
OK.
My guest today is a very funny actor and comedian who starred in the Hangover movies.
Now you can see him in the new AMC series, The Audacity.
And he has a new gardening show called This is a Gardening Show.
How does he come up with these names?
He's truly one of the funniest people I know.
Zach Galifianakis, welcome.
When I walk into a room I'm used to people I mean even pretty big stars are like whoa.
It's him, you know.
And then I walked in today and your heart beats like one beat every two hours.
You were just sitting there totally unimpressed that Conan O'Brien had walked into the room.
What would you like one to do when you enter a room?
No.
It seems insincere.
Whoa, look at that guy.
What up, brah?
So good to see you.
Hey, brah!
That's the real me.
Well, I mean, we go way back.
I've known you for many years.
In a showbiz way.
Early, early days.
You used to come on my show and you were always hilarious.
And don't look at your watch.
Oh, Jesus.
What the fuck was that?
Time is moving slow.
That's so rude.
We can cut this short.
I was trying to compliment him about how funny he was.
And this is before America had Zach Galifianakis fever.
This is back when they had Conan fever and I lent some of my fever to Zach Galifianakis.
And then America had the very contagious Zach Galifianakis fever.
Yeah, I like to call it sizzle.
I still have a sizzle.
You sizzled and sazzled all the way to the late 90s, 2000s.
Did you guys get my sizzle reel?
I sent it over.
We got your sazzle reel.
It's past tense.
The past tense of sizzle.
You sazzled back in the day.
I used to sazzle.
In the early 2000s, no one sazzled like you.
You're not going to like this, but I adore you.
I think you're a wonderful fellow.
One of my favorite comedy pieces of work is your work on Between Two Ferns.
I think it's absolutely hysterical and endures.
And...
I resent you for that.
Why are you resentful?
It does seem, I know you joke about it, but I do think there's a tinge.
Oh, it's all real.
Yeah, I do think there is a- I resent you terribly because you are very funny, but also- Is it my height?
Is that what you-
Is that what you wish you were more like me about?
I do.
I wish I was closer to the... Is my size of my head?
Is that what you wish you had?
Parking meter head?
Parking meter body?
Whatever this is?
Is that what you're upset about?
Do people try and put time in your head so that they can keep their car there a little longer?
Is that what happens?
Do you wish you had a seven-syllable last name?
I do.
No, you are very funny.
You're one of the funniest people I know.
And yet you seem grounded.
And I don't know how to do that.
I mean, this guy, he is of the earth.
He seems like he's got it all together.
He seems like he emotionally wants for nothing.
That doesn't seem fair.
I mean, yeah, I get some chops.
But I'm constantly wracked with these roiling seas inside me.
Does every podcast turn into like a one-man show?
I know.
The light should shift.
We don't need you to talk during this part.
In fact, you don't have to be here for this.
You're just here to get it started, and then I do the rest.
Have you listened to the podcast?
It's pretty much me yammering and yammering.
I mean, really, you're really taking the floor here.
Yeah, I am.
But I appreciate all that stuff.
I don't know if it's true or not, but I... Grounded is an interesting word.
I'll be serious for a second, and then we'll go back to my one-man show.
You are hilariously funny and then very i i'm i'm hard-pressed to think of anybody who's been less altered by success.
You just seem like if all of it went away tomorrow, you'd be very happy and contained, doing whatever you're doing, and i love that about you.
I think that second part is correct.
I think i feel i i am one of these people that feels very fortunate to be working, and uh, But the first part about like having success or whatever being known that threw me for that really messed me up.
Not in a woe is me, but I just.
No one ever asked me any questions until I was in a movie with a monkey.
Yeah.
So I found that to be odd, that switch.
And I was older, and I think the BS of this business or whatever, it's always been laughable, too.
I'm from a small town.
I think I have a chip on my shoulder when I moved here.
I don't know.
I think that's kind of healthy.
But it affected me for a while and I feel kind of embarrassed by it actually.
But yeah, but I remember, at the height of hangover mania, I was went to some event someplace and there are a bunch of might have been like on Hollywood Boulevard, or I had to go into some event and there were all these people outside the venue.
There was like a Spider-Man and there was a Superman, whatever, a Batman.
And there was a guy who I thought it was you for a second.
And I thought, oh, there's Zach.
I'll say hi.
And then I realized it's not you.
It's a Zach Galifianakis impersonator impersonator. with a fake baby and a baby Bjorn.
Dreams do come true, don't they?
From the movie, and it's so... I had the idea that you thought maybe that was me in the outfit.
From the movie.
Can I tell you something?
I didn't clock the outfit right away.
I just saw out of the corner of my eye.
And by the way, you were known to promote that movie very hard.
And all the sequels.
But no, I just had a moment of thinking because I know you.
I know that that would have bummed you out.
That would have.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But you know, what's interesting is as a I wanted to do this experiment once and I.
Had the wardrobe.
This was many years after we did the Hangover movies.
I had the wardrobe sent to me because I was in Vegas and I wanted it to look like how pathetic it was that the actor got into his outfit and was trying to get recognized.
And I did it.
But no one came up.
It was so embarrassing.
No one did it.
The experiment failed.
But yeah, the the hangover was big.
That was a big change.
Right.
And.
But I do think it's good for people to hear from you that because and we talk about this a lot on the pod
But are you too busy to say podcast?
I am.
You should do a doc about that.
I don't have the tie to do it.
I'm fascinated by this idea that there's a lot of envy surrounding this project.
Crazy, weird business and people thinking, oh, my God, that would all your dreams would come true.
And what I found is that it's a magnifying lens.
It just magnifies things.
So if you're insecure, you will become more insecure.
If you tend to be angry, you'll become a rageaholic.
If you are someone who's capable of feeling gratitude and appreciate the people around you, those things can be enhanced.
But I do think there's a, you know.
Maybe so.
That's a good way of looking at it.
Yeah.
But I was angry about it, to be honest.
I was intimidated by it.
Because I thought, as a comedian, to not be able to observe because you had too many distractions of trying to hide or whatever.
It intimidated me and I got weirded out by it.
But now that I'm old, like none of it matters.
And, you know, who cares?
But it's it was a change.
It was a change.
Yeah.
I've always.
Tried to picture you because I know that your success didn't happen right away.
And I knew you for a bunch of years where you'd come on our show and be really funny.
But...
The whole thing hadn't quite gelled or clicked yet.
And then I was this busboy at a strip joint till I was 28.
Yes, I was going to get to that.
Yeah, you were.
You were.
And I try to picture you in these real jobs in these.
I hope so.
With my briefcase.
Yeah, I do think that's a real job team.
Going to work, honey.
No, but I had to wear like a cummerbund.
It was like a fancy.
And it was a strip joint.
Yeah.
On park.
You were in New York probably at this time.
It was called String Fellows.
Yes.
So I worked.
I had a table there.
Yeah, i never saw you come in, thank goodness.
Um no i i yeah, it was, it was.
And and the guy that i moved to new york new york with who we went to college together.
He was the cashier at the strip joint and he ended up being jimmy fallon's head writer, right 80 miles, if you know 80 miles, that's where all the best head writers come from.
Um, And then weird.
Well, I'm curious because I'm trying to picture you in a situation where you have the comedy mind that you have, but you're doing a job like that.
You're a.
You know, you're working at a strip club.
You were a busboy?
Busboy.
Busboy.
So you're wearing a cummerbund and it had a crummer.
Do you know what a crummer is?
No.
It's a little metal stick that you take out of your pocket and you get the crumbs off the table for Wilt Chamberlain.
If Wilt Chamberlain had gone, I think it would.
I think he came in a lot.
Maybe it was another seven foot two legend.
His name was Wilt Chamberlain.
He was seven feet two inches tall, but it wasn't that Wilt Chamberlain.
Yeah, this guy was an accountant.
Yeah.
And a very good one.
So were you funny at that job?
And I bring it up because I know that when I did jobs that weren't comedy related early on, I was deadly serious to the point where when they found out later on, oh I just got a job writing, I'm leaving.
They said, there's no way you're a comedy writer.
Because I was just...
Dead serious, never made a joke, just did my work.
That makes sense.
I think it comes with maybe being depressed.
I don't know.
What was your situation?
The strippers... uh, were not nice to me at all.
I was really intimidated.
The men that went in there were not the men that I would want to hang out with anyway.
So, uh, it was a weird situation.
I don't remember trying to be funny.
I'm sure with the others, with miles that was working there, I'll tell a story.
I think I've told this story, hopefully not here before, but, um, it's a fractured media.
No one's heard it.
Go ahead.
And no one, But... Miles and I were getting ready for work.
There was a snowstorm in New York.
It was a blizzard.
I'll never forget.
And it was in the mid-90s.
And I'm putting my cumberbund on.
Miles had just lost $1,000 from the register.
It's...
It's mafia-owned, or it was, I think.
And so he was so worried.
He had to go in and face the music.
He'd lost it.
He wouldn't have taken it.
He lost it.
So I'm putting my cummerbund on and as I'm looking over, I lived in his closet.
And I look up and Miles is tying his shoe and he says to himself didn't want me to hear it, knowing he had to go face the music.
This is worse than Bosnia.
Oh!
Bosnia was going on at the time.
Yeah.
And that's what he compared.
And I'll never forget how not wrong dramatic.
He's not wrong that owing Stringfellows $1,000 is worse than anything that happened in Bosnia.
Well, if you know that the mafia may have.
And then what happened, I think what happened, we go to work and the feds came in.
They closed it down that day and that was it.
A mysterious tipped call came in.
Yes, from a busboy.
That's friendship.
Yeah.
But no, I was very serious at that job, I think.
Yeah.
We shot a bit once in Houston at like two in the morning at a strip club.
We'll be right back with the world's worst bragger.
Yeah.
We were there to shoot some piece.
And so I'm there.
I think we were just trying to figure out, because my show in Houston at the time this is like 1995 96 aired at like three in the morning.
So I went to places at three in the morning to figure out if I could see anybody watching our show, and and who's up and watching TV at three in the morning?
And that, it ended up being very funny.
I went to a bus station, I went to an emergency room and I went to a strip club and you walk in and you see these beautiful naked women and you know just My, my head turned into a jukebox cartoon where all the cherries come up.
It's like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
And coins came out my mouth.
I was like, like all the cartoon stuff, like steam coming out of my ears.
I can't believe it.
Within 15 minutes, we had a problem with the camera and we're trying to figure it out and this completely naked beautiful woman who would have been my fantasy of every way of 16, completely naked, not wearing a stitch of clothing, comes up and starts to talk to me and i'm like, i'm sorry, can you just give us some room?
Uh, i gotta we.
We got an issue with this camera and i asked you mean who?
Me and you and your balls?
No no me, and i am not that polite.
To my ball, to my balls.
I imagine you were there by yourself.
Can you give us some room?
Yeah.
Pardon me, testicles.
No, I have a very different relationship with my testicles.
But no, I was remember being kind of irritated, like, can't she step back?
We're trying to fix this lens.
And I was realizing that, oh, my God, you get inured.
You get used to this right away, like you're in there for 10 minutes and suddenly it's like come on naked, gorgeous woman, can you give me a break?
We need to get this shot.
And behind the scenes there's nothing like the women are talking about how much they hate the men, that they have to like they, you know.
So it's not.
It's not thrilling backstage.
It's a whole different scene.
So that's where strippers love me.
They just love me.
Oh, huh?
Yeah.
What?
I just I think I'm the one guy that when I go into strip club, they're just like, wow, I love him.
Conan, when is the last time you've been in a strip club?
1969.
Right.
I was six years old.
Right.
I was conceived at one.
We won't go further into that story.
You know what I didn't know?
Why did I not know that you were at Saturday Night Live?
You worked at Saturday Night Live for a very— That two-week—don't they do a two-week trial thing sometimes?
They do.
I don't know, that's not how I came in, but I remember thinking that we were on a two-week trial, my writing partner, Greg Daniels, and I thinking it was a two-week trial, but then later on someone said no, you weren't a two-week trial.
But you were a two week trial.
I honestly, when I got there, I thought I was, I thought I got hired as a cast member.
Honestly, because I had already auditioned twice.
Right.
And I was told you're going to go and be a feature person.
And I said, great.
And I got there and they said no, you're actually going to write which, either way, it didn't matter to me.
I was just so thrilled that I had that.
It was it was a tough two weeks.
Yeah, because the table reads.
I think even if you're, you know, no people there, the table reads can be kind of brutal.
I just remember I wrote a sketch and it was you could only hear the air conditioner in the room.
Yeah.
I mean, I've been like that on stage.
You know, so I'm kind of used to it.
But there it was just, and I remember for some reason I was sitting next to Tina Fey and I just remember her patting my shoulder in a very calm, not even not in a sarcastic way.
It was really calming.
And I'll never forget that.
It was actually meant a lot to me.
But it was rough.
But I was thrilled to be there.
Yeah.
But you don't know what you're doing when you get there.
Right.
Like it takes a second to figure it out.
And it's not so many shows I've worked on since.
And I, you know, obviously loved my time at SNL and was so formative for me.
But I've very much liked working in late night all those years because it felt like we were all working together a little more.
There's so much show to fill.
For years, it was five hours a week you've got to fill.
There's no elbowing for room or real estate.
Do you know what I mean?
If someone has a good idea, everyone's like, oh my God, that's great.
Let's do it.
No one's...
I don't know.
That's a really funny idea, but I'm not going to laugh because and that's so SNL definitely much more competitive.
I don't know if it's like that as much anymore.
Might not be because when I went back to host I noticed oh, it seemed much more loose and friendlier.
Not that it wasn't friendly when I was there for writing, but yeah, it was an honor to do it.
I didn't have any bad feelings about it, except for, you know, the tumbleweeds going across the writer's room.
Yeah.
And that feeling of when you put a sketch in if it's not working at read through.
You can see everybody flipping to see how many pages this is.
So you'll have that moment.
Are you not supposed to do that?
I do that all the time at table.
I'm always like, do I have any more parts?
Scanning for my name.
You're bringing in something that popped in my head and I don't know if you and I have ever talked about this connection and maybe he doesn't want us to, but Tommy Blotcher wrote on Conan right.
Yeah.
One of my favorite writers of all time, yeah.
I think he happens to be the funniest person I think I've ever met.
Like he's that funny, funny and i knew that he left your show to go right on for professional wrestling, right?
Yes, he worked with us back in the 90s and i knew him through andy richter from chicago, from chicago, and he brought, and for a while tommy didn't say anything and he was super quiet and And I just thought well, I wonder if this guy's going to work out.
I don't know.
And then he revealed himself in the writer's room and on paper to be the funniest guy.
I gave him a shout out on Stern once because I was on Stern and Stern was kind of talking to me about so you must just hire like Harvard Lampoon guys.
And I said, no. it was like a army guy.
Yeah.
I said, one of the funniest guys I've ever, one of the funniest writers I've ever known, I don't think went to college.
Are you talking about Tommy?
And I was talking about Tommy and he said, who is that?
And I said, Tommy Blacha.
Um, so he uh, really brilliantly funny guy he his, he's on a level that i i mean the same level i would put you on, which is this we used to do this bit back and forth to each other where it was just really this just the dumbest person right yeah, and because tommy's really good at dumb and and it would be like uh, what about drinking coffee?
Or something like it was always the most obvious and it always filled up.
Follow with or something yeah, or something.
So one night tommy's had to spend the night at my house and we were both working together.
We had to get up early the next morning for work and he's in the next room over and it's seven in the morning.
I'm up, but i'm just kind of basically, And I hear Tommy say under his breath as he's waking up what am I awake, or something.
And I fell in love with him.
I fell in love with him.
And I used to beg like he would make me laugh so hard like I didn't want to leave him.
So this is one of my proudest happy moments.
I would do all these riffs in the writer's room that outrageous over the top, where I would almost play this over the top host, who's incredibly abusive.
And I would come into a room and someone would start to talk and I would say, play.
Yeah.
But I remember at a time I was on this jag of saying why don't you have a big, tall glass of shut up juice?
And it was just a really stupid, childish put down that I was doing.
And I would do it whenever someone was taking a swig of something.
I'd be like a little more just after they had pitched something.
I'd be like, oh, a little more.
Shut up, juice.
Wet the whistle with some.
And they Tommy left because he was going to go right for professional wrestling.
And he told me, hey, you got to tune in.
I wrote this for The Rock.
He's taunting one of his opponents and he tells him, why don't you go have.
A tall glass of shut up juice.
And I was so thrilled.
And I watched it.
And sure enough, The Rock was like, hey, I'll tell you something.
And he's got like, maybe you should just go have a long, tall glass of shut up juice.
And then they cut to people in the arena and they're like holding their heads like The Rock got him.
And then I think the following week someone had a sign that said, shut up, Juice.
And I was in heaven.
Oh, that's a payoff.
No one knew.
I didn't care if anyone knew that was me or not.
And then those are the kind of things that make me super happy.
And so Tommy... One of the funniest.
Yeah.
Such a funny guy.
I'm curious, like you and these other jobs.
It's interesting to me that, which I totally understand you're not being the Zach galifianakis that people would know.
You're just grimly doing your job and trying to do it well, which would describe probably you.
And i mean i know that you were a nanny for a while doing i was a house cleaner, house cleaner, cleaning departments in new york for a couple years.
Uh yeah, i was pretty, you know i'm a pretty, i'm pretty quiet, i think, and then the comedy scene kind of maybe broke me out of my shyness, I think, somewhat.
I performed more.
I got a little bit more comfortable with that stuff.
But, yeah, those jobs will humble you.
I mean, I moved to New York wanting, not my.
I didn't want my parents to have to like send me anything right?
And they never did.
And I was pretty independent.
But my father.
He would send me things in the mail.
I'm like, oh god, run to the mailbox, oh god, i hope this is food.
I hope this is food.
And then open it.
And it was always irregular underwear and just open it in the post office like it was light.
I mean maybe he was sitting there be potato chips, But it was always irregular and valuable was wrapped in it.
You know, I don't know.
Irregular underwear.
Yeah, it's it's cheap.
My dad was cheap.
I also think there's something to I used to think about this a lot.
When people get to know me and know my rhythm, this will be a little easier.
And I think that would be very true of you.
I mean, I always thought you would come on our show back in the day and people didn't know you and you'd sit at a piano and you would tell these great jokes.
But you never winked.
You never shot them a look like, You never ingratiated yourself with the crowd.
You just completely went in and they had to accept you as you were.
And I think you have to do that for a while in order to have people meet you halfway.
I think you're right.
I also think comedically, I should say only, i've always thought it's more interesting, if you're just doing a stand-up bit like that, to have kind of a disdain for the audience.
You know, i i never was like hi, i'm gonna tell us like that friendly, all right, let's tell us.
I've seen stand-ups come out like what's up, miami?
God, that's a lot of energy.
You don't want to know how miami's doing.
Um, I mean, I have no concern or interest in you.
I respect the audience, but I the relation and now performance have.
Performers have a real relationship with the audience via social media.
That, that too, I've never participated in.
I don't that's a weird I don't know how to do that.
Yeah.
You have something that I'm not too familiar with called dignity.
And I can tell you a lot of stories that would go against that.
Well, I mean, we've talked about it.
I won't go into it, but I do think that was particularly helpful to you when you did your famous Between Two Ferns interview with Obama, because you're the only person that does.
I mean, you know, I know that this in any way was just you doing your comedy, but you were so rude as that person.
And it's hilarious because I don't think anyone's talked to.
Certainly a sitting president or even in this time, no one's talking to a president.
Well, all the podcasters that have had the president on now, they don't do their court gesture.
They don't do it.
They just they suck up to them.
Yeah.
So the comedians.
Yep. that are podcasters that have had Trump on, they're not doing their job.
That's not the job of a comedian.
You are to challenge.
You are to make uncomfortable.
You're not to sit there and fake laugh.
That is not the job of the court jester.
Yeah.
Period.
So there is a difference.
People were actually.
Somebody yesterday was talking to me about that about, you know, political influence through comedy and all that stuff.
I'm more interested in the comedy first.
Me too.
You know.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, I mean, whatever their whatever their motive is.
Fine.
But but but the comedy has to come first.
I remember when I interviewed Hillary Clinton and I could tell she didn't want to be there.
And I totally get that.
I get it.
But before we had set that whole thing up, they they wrote back.
Well, you can't bring up those emails.
And I go, well, we don't have to do the interview.
I totally that's fine.
We won't do it.
When you tell powerful people, no, it's crazy.
They were like OK well, you can ask, because it's not that important to me to do it the way they want to do it.
You have to if you're going to come in the comedy, you got to wait.
We want to do it.
Also, I see this all the time and I've seen it for years and years and years and years.
People not understanding that if they go to the supposedly vulnerable place and have a sense of humor about it, it is magical for them.
People see they have a sense of humor.
They see that they can take a joke.
I mean, no one walked away from your interview with Obama and thought, wow, you really showed him.
He got to be hilarious.
He sat there and entered your world of, You know, being intentionally ignorant about who he is, what he does, cutting him off, being insanely rude, and gave it back to you in equal measure.
And you looked at you that this is a great piece of comedy.
And I know it reflects well back on the president, and our current president would do well to understand that, to understand that if he let himself be the butt of the joke, it's humanizing.
I know it is impossible.
You wouldn't do it with him.
It wouldn't work.
It wouldn't work.
I'm just saying in an alternate universe.
If we're talking about a different human being, they would see that there's this misconception, that that the media just wants to go after conservatives, and they don't understand that everyone benefits when they laugh at themselves.
That's right.
Period.
Yes.
Everyone wins.
Yes.
If you laugh at yourself, it humanizes you And, like pheromones are released and humans think that's a good human.
Who and when you refuse to let that happen, that's not projecting strength.
It's projecting weakness.
I agree 100 percent.
There's also the math of comedy to me sometimes, where the punching down that the right seems to do something.
And I don't want to get political here, but the.
That's not as funny to me as taking on the powerful.
The math of it doesn't work for me.
Like to take on some marginalized people, make fun of that.
Listen, I'm all for humor.
I can defend it.
But that mathematically.
So that's why you don't see a lot of comedy that comes out of like the right.
I mean, the right.
You just it's hard to do.
I don't I'm not saying suggesting you cannot.
It's just difficult to do because of the dynamics.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Greg Gutfeld.
What a hilarious.
You got him.
I don't know.
They'll show up to work again.
I always love imagining these people being completely unhinged by a comment on a podcast or you know, someone did a sketch about them on SNL and they're just completely unhinged.
I'm sure they can no longer go.
That's all for that's all for.
Clicks.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
It's it's fake.
Well, that's boring.
The whole the whole everyone commenting on everything.
Yeah.
And everyone has to wait.
Did Sabrina Carpenter just slightly misspeak at a performance at Coachella or.
Can we make that into something?
Yes, we can.
And then she'll apologize.
And I think she's a fantastic performer.
She makes a lot of people happy.
I actually don't think she did anything wrong.
She couldn't hear what the person in the audience was saying.
There was no harm, no foul here, but people got a 24 hour news cycle out of it.
And it's just.
I mean, it's stupid.
It's strange.
You know, the other thought of that, too, is it's interesting.
People from the right, or whatever you want to say, they're always like, shut up, entertainers.
You're just entertainers.
And I kind of get that because I'm from the South.
But I always think yeah, but you guys say that to us entertainers, but you elect the entertainers.
Clint Eastwood, Donald Trump, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Fred Thompson, Gopher from The Love Boat.
I mean, I could go on.
His name is Fred Grandy.
I could go on and on.
Sonny Bono.
I mean, it goes on and on.
So it's always interesting to me That they point that out.
But then they they fall.
Then they they're the ones that hire or elect the entertainers.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think even more so than the other side.
So I don't know.
It's very, very odd, all of it.
But it was a good run.
Oh, no.
We're wrapping it up.
Are we calling it?
We're calling it.
Well, 250 is a good time to call it.
Oh, man.
Yes, 250.
I don't feel any... Is anybody celebrating?
I think they're going to... Well, there's plans to build giant monuments.
I think the...
Triumphal Arch was going to be for the 250th, I think.
Okay, good.
We just got to get that thing built.
This is going to sound controversial and I don't want to— When Trump did that Jesus thing, that was the turning point for me.
I was like, I kind of like him.
Oh.
Like him.
Oh, okay.
What do you think?
Am I off?
No, I think you're off at all.
He wasn't Jesus.
He was a doctor.
Yeah, his excuse was, I was a doctor who wears a robe and a red sash.
Oh, man.
He's a very good nightclub comic.
You know what I?
I was watching your gardening show and I want to mention this because it's called This is a Gardening Show.
And one of the.
Yeah, he was up online thinking of that title.
And actually, we spent about 400 titles back and forth.
Oh, really?
Between two farms.
I mean, it was like, you know, all these play on words.
It was so then.
Then the producer emails me and goes.
The first thing you say is this is a gardening show.
Yeah.
Why don't we just call it?
OK.
But yeah, that's how we get to the title.
You know what I love?
Because I've known for years that you hang out on Vancouver Island and then to get to see you in your habitat is very cool.
I mean, first of all, it's beautiful, beautiful.
But getting to see you i i knew that you were a very uh sort of an outdoorsy guy.
I didn't know specifically how important gardening was to you.
The show is really funny and you get to be you, obviously because you are you and there's no fixing that now, but the um.
But just getting to see you in that world I totally get it.
You like to get up in the morning and tend to plants.
I love it.
It's strange how much.
I mean, I've always been a hobby person.
It's been my hobby, I guess, for 20 plus years.
But now that I have some space, I've been building a garden.
And I just do.
I mean I have 100 little pumpkin seedlings in my greenhouse right now that when I get back to Canada I'll put in the ground.
And that'll probably produce 200 pumpkins for the year.
That kind of stuff, I can't tell you how much I love it.
It's a feeling that I feel like as humans, it's part of us, but we got away from it.
Because technology and convenience has overtaken everything.
We're pushing buttons is soulless.
Yeah, there's nothing there.
Yeah, for me and i.
I wanted to do this show for several reasons.
One you know, when you watch documentaries about where we are climate wise, you hear there's 64 harvests left.
Okay, maybe that's not true, but what if it is right?
You know these are scientists that are saying this.
64 harvests left.
So I see some people acting like, oh, my God, what are we going to do?
What are we going to do?
And then I see some people don't care.
So I don't know.
I'm just going to go with what my gut feeling is, which is maybe kids need to know this stuff.
Yeah, yeah.
Wait till the Russians shoot down the satellites?
Motherfucker, it's just a quote from the south.
I heard recently that i was like yeah, i believe you, i actually believe that that would.
I believe and think about that.
Yeah right, so all of these, i feel like the safety might not be there for the next generation.
So i'm and this is not an altruistic thing, i'm trying to say, it's just a practical thing uh, Our food, even if nothing happens even, let's say, everything stays normal.
Well, our food and where we get it and how what we know about it is we don't have a relationship with food.
A lot of us don't.
Right.
You think about it.
Birth death, food and where it's coming from were primal parts of our existence for so long.
I mean, they're just printed into our DNA as we evolved.
And then within the last few generations, we've completely removed ourselves from it.
And I'm going to be completely honest with you.
Like, I know nothing about gardening.
I know nothing about where my food comes from.
I say to David, I want to get that.
And you were like, all right.
And you get it.
And it comes and I shove it in my face really quickly and with great hate.
And yeah.
But it's the same thing about death.
Like we're not, people used to live and die in their home and people used to, Be there for it.
And now everything's kind of farmed out.
So, yeah, it's but it's a medicine, too.
It's not just it's just not it's not altruistic.
You do it for yourself.
Yes, absolutely.
I mean look, I'm a little chubby guy but I love eating fresh vegetables and fruits out of the garden.
It's like it's it's a high for me.
It just is.
So there's many elements to it, but I'm saying it's a medicine to be in the garden.
It's healthy to be – It's also – when you talk about – you've spoken about this for a while and you mentioned it today the kind of allergic reaction you have to the bullshittery of – show business.
And in some of it, there's obviously great parts of it.
And then there's parts of it which can actually feel like a toxin.
It's poison and honey.
Yeah.
I felt this.
I got a chance.
Danny Harrison, George's son, invited me to come see George's home, Friar Park.
And I went and so much of it are George Harrison's were his gardens where he grew things.
And I've seen footage of him in various documentaries just tending to his gardens and tending to his sunflowers and tending to the things he was growing.
And I thought oh, and you know he.
Danny said yeah, he told him once, you know.
Danny said oh, let's go into town.
Let's leave.
Friar Park and go into town.
And his father said, why would we do that?
Why would we go out there?
It's insane out there.
If you look at all the footage of his life in the 60s and 70s, it was screaming and madness.
This was the antidote.
Interesting.
And I think you've experienced being in the nose cone of the rocket.
And there are people who are making a living pretending to be you hanging outside of Planet Hollywood.
That that's and like we got to get us a Zach Galifianakis for the party.
I got one.
I got one, too.
Well, bring them both, you know.
So it's such a nice antidote to find those places where you can grow apples.
Well, I also think it's possible in the cities.
I mean, when you guys all leave today, I want you to pay attention to how much concrete is around you versus greenery.
Just just just think about it.
Yeah, it's it's crazy.
It's really crazy.
I mean, I think humans biggest mistake was fighting nature instead of working.
We're going to conquer it.
Well, no, you're not.
No, you're not.
It's going to win.
And it looks like it's definitely going to win.
So you have to respect it and honor it.
If there's a God that made all this stuff, why not respect it?
And the other things that this God has made.
That's coming from someone that has no idea if there's a God or not.
But if there is, why is it the simplest thing to respect the earth and the humans and the animals on it?
Other than that, what is there yeah, i mean this where humans are going with ai?
I mean, i guess i don't know if i'm old-fashioned or i'm, maybe it's because i'm 56 now, but i think this whole ai thing and i don't mean for medicine, i don't it's got a lot of great things.
Otherwise though, i think it's another like biblical, in the biblical term of biting the apple.
Again, i just am very afraid of it.
Yeah, the dudes that are designing it yeah, there's a real problem, because these dudes how do i say it?
They have math minds.
Suck, they have math minds.
You know what i mean?
They have math minds, and that's good, But there's very little wisdom coming out of that pocket of the world.
Almost none.
And we're just running, all of us are running in that direction.
The media loves AI.
The media loves social media because it causes more of this.
I love when CNN they'll have a reporter on but they'll do a report on social media and how bad it is for someone.
And then after the report, Jake Tapper gets on, go follow me on Twitter.
It's asinine.
Have you no self-reflection?
Well, even how we communicate through text, there's not a sarcastic font.
Right.
Right.
And people are not good enough writers to to do it.
Right.
Text as a comedian to get back.
LOL is really diminishing returns.
I so I think the way we have let robots do this for us has also made us a little bit off.
Yeah, I just do.
I worry about the lack of human connection with that stuff.
And maybe I'm maybe it just is not as needed as we think it is.
I don't know.
I mean, I really don't know.
But this world, this tech stuff has always I've always thought about.
I've always worried about it, especially when.
Social media came about and MySpace and all this when it was done, you could do it anonymously.
That's a weird start for anything.
So the weirdos running this thing and good weirdos, I don't mean they're all bad weirdos.
We need to something something there needs to be a guardrail.
And I think politically nothing changes in the states until they regulate the Internet.
Yeah, I do think not.
So we can sit here and talk.
Good luck.
It could work for both sides.
Right.
It just depends on who's going to control it.
The messaging.
But.
I see how people scroll on planes.
I'm like, that's how people get their news.
We're screwed.
Yeah.
I do think that if you look at the history of huge technological advances including, like the printing press you know, and how that revolutionized things,
In the early days.
It's rough going when people are handed a brand new superpower and we are at the beginning of this.
And I do think if we survive it, there will be guardrails.
There will be people that say, oh, no, a kid can't have a tablet.
We've figured it out.
They can't have it until they're 14.
And that's a law, you know, or you can't.
It's like how a city like a city can be built and there's like crap in the streets.
The sewage is all wrong.
And as it ages, they fix the problem.
We're at the OK corral phase, where drunks are punching each other through the swinging doors of the bar and landing in the mud.
People are shooting their guns in the air going, ni hao.
That's where we are.
But do you think it's going to need a regulation to get to there?
Do you think the government?
Yeah, yeah, I think it's and I think it's going to do it.
But you know what it does?
It comes through just this hard experience.
And humans do.
If they put their hand on the stove enough times, they learn not.
We need a rule about putting our hands on the stove.
I hope you're right.
There's an addiction.
There's an addiction thing here, too, that we have it.
That's the other thing is the addiction part.
And that addiction is designed.
Listen, you read the read the have you read the Facebook whistleblower book?
No, you need her.
It's unreal.
I read it twice.
It's fascinating.
So they know that they're making it addictive.
So that's the problem, I think, maybe with the comparing it to the old technology.
Sure, you're right.
I think the printing press, of course, it changed the world.
Technology is what changes humans the most.
Political correctness, for example, has always been in comedy for the last 30 years.
It just has.
The difference is the technology.
The audience talks back now.
And comedians, you've got to be okay with it.
That's the only thing that's changed.
Not political correct.
That did not, for sure, it happened many, many years ago.
But what really changed is if someone comes and sees you live and they don't like it And you've said something, they're going to either videotape it or get it.
So it's weird.
It's all very strange.
But then I see people on their computers all the time, and they never do anything else.
And my mind goes, well, when the end of the world comes, they're the veal.
Well, you know what?
It's soft.
Soft meat.
It's a soft meat.
So we might need them.
No.
All the fields up in Silicon Valley.
We're coming to eat you, boys.
The way you describe it, we're going to eat very well.
I mean, I want this to happen sooner rather than later.
Just you and I.
But also we're humans.
We're animals.
Right.
Like we need to move and think and talk and blah, blah, blah.
This is it's too much.
It's too much.
Yeah.
It's making people nuts.
It just is.
Well, I think it's making people mentally.
I do.
I think it's making people.
I do.
I mean, I do things now where I like brick my phone.
Well, the rest is a device called the brick, where you can turn off a bunch of apps so that in order to go turn them back on, it's called the brick.
But you and I use that all the time now.
Do you have email on your phone?
I do.
Take it off.
It's too late.
Oh, well, no, you can take it off.
No.
I never, I can't imagine having an email on my phone.
It's so like, that's asinine to me.
What about, and you're including text too, no text.
If I knew how to get rid of text, I would.
I don't know how to get rid of it.
We're in a time of over-communication, right?
So my brother- He says on a podcast.
My brother, well, exactly.
But my brother's like texting me over Christmas.
Got those paper towels you asked for.
I don't need you to text me that you got them.
I don't need that update.
It's insanity.
You know, I've asked, too, is that someone will text you like, how's it going?
And if you don't text them, it's the person who maybe 20 minutes went by and they're like what the fuck?
You alive?
Like I was, it was three in the morning.
What's going on?
Because they're so used to getting an immediate dopamine hit.
Yes.
That they forget they're talking to someone who isn't walking around looking at their phone all the time.
I see.
So I get a lot of my texts are, did you die or something?
And it's like, well, no.
I mean I see teenagers on planes and the mental illness that they're doing with their faces like changing it.
And for three hours staring at a phone, you know, you're supposed to be bored.
You're supposed to be.
It's good for the brain.
Well, it's actually really good.
I remember saying this when my kids were little.
We got to keep the boring parts because I remember when I was I would get so bored when I was a kid.
And that's when my brain.
We weren't allowed to watch TV if there was school the next day, which meant most of the week.
We had none of this technology.
And that's when my mind started to do weird things.
And that's how I make my living now.
God, I thought this was going to turn into a masturbation story.
I think we all did.
I just took the air out of the room.
The story's not done.
You cut me off.
You're right.
I wish somebody had.
Yeah.
That is what I was getting to.
My mind started doing weird things.
Yeah.
And my hand.
Yeah.
Come on.
And then I said, and that's how I make my living.
Okay.
And then i became a writer.
Yeah, i became a professional masturbator at the circus.
Um yeah, is it?
Yeah, would you say no nothing, you just accused me of murder.
No no, i was going to say is there a comp?
Is there?
I don't know, never mind, i don't want it to be in there.
Is there a masturbator?
Like no, is there?
Is there masturbation competitions?
I bet there is.
I hope so.
Eduardo?
I bet there is.
I'm not looking this one up.
No, he just meant Eduardo.
He didn't even know you had a computer.
What's going on this weekend in the Valley?
Let's just say Eduardo is very skilled.
It is so lovely to talk to you, and you really are a remarkable individual.
I wish we could all be more like you.
So you got my text?
I just read exactly what you wrote.
Thank you very much.
I read exactly what you texted me.
Thank you for putting that in there.
And you're a great lover?
What the fuck is this?
You misspelled lover.
Yeah, two Vs always.
I love I've been I checked out.
This is a gardening show.
I really like it.
I especially love when you incorporate kids in it and you're talking to them.
You're so it's the easiest thing.
I know it'd be so funny doing it.
And also you're in a series, The Audacity, which is getting raves.
So congrats to you.
That's on AMC.
And you I mean.
Anytime you're in town, you want to come by and talk to us about anything.
Tomorrow's not good for me.
Okay, the next day.
No.
I'm here Saturday.
Starting in six years from now is what I meant.
Did you end up going to Greece?
No, we haven't gone to Greece yet for the travel show, but I do want to go there.
It's the best.
Would you go with me if I went?
I would love to go, but I might take my gardening show there next time.
But if you do go, please call me because I can point you in.
I have first cousins that are still there, so I can point.
They can help you.
You should check out the Parthenon.
Thanks a lot.
No, they were going to take you to the hard rock in Athens.
And I just hope there's not a hard rock cafe in Athens.
You know, there is better.
I don't know.
The Greeks are not.
They're not.
They're not capitalists that way.
Good.
They're not good.
They actually during the European Union, they got really real.
They got really hurt.
Yeah.
Yeah, by northern europe.
I've never been to greece in my life and i would love to go there.
They know how to live.
They know how to live, and so do you.
That's right, and so do you.
Zach galifianakis, thank you for being here.
Um, i treasure you.
I really do.
Those aren't cheap.
Could you put it back?
No, i'll put.
There's a.
So you just grab one of our.
By the way, i was asking the clean.
There's a comment box here, right?
We took it down, just for you.
Okay, well.
We'll put it back the minute you're gone.
I'll take it to Twitter.
Okay, look, there's some bad blood out here.
We have to take care of this.
Yes.
I brought up, Sona, that I do a lot of favors for you.
I mean, I do a lot of favors for everybody, but you get more than your share.
Oh, my God.
Let's revisit this topic, okay?
Ugh, okay.
Sona, you know I love you.
I adore you.
You're the best.
But you're...
You're just this bloodsucker that's draining me dry.
You are awful.
You're awful.
You're awful.
Are we getting content or not?
We are.
But you know what?
Every clueless gamer, do you take that game home with you?
Oh, I would say no.
Maybe only like half the time.
Yeah.
Eighty five percent.
Eighty five percent of the time when you do a clueless gamer for a cool game, you get the game.
How is he a favorite?
You get some benefit out of it.
That's not direct.
That's what I'm saying.
We all get a lot of fun stuff from this job.
All I'm going to say is he does a lot of favors for you, but you do the greatest.
But you, but you, but you, but you do the greatest favor for him.
You make him cool.
Oh, that's the greatest favor you're doing.
I don't know.
Am I doing that?
Yeah, I think.
No, people do get excited when you're a cool person.
Um, and you, you know, me, yes, uh, I'm, I guess I'm cool.
And then I pop a leave every now and then, uh, I always drink a lot of water with it.
You got to make sure you flush out the system.
That's a recommendation that's on the bottle, but, um, Oh, wow.
No, but I mean, between my Aleve use and your coolness factor, I think we make a good duo.
I don't think they're favors.
I think you are paying me back.
What?
Oh.
Yeah.
For all the...
So that means I don't have to pay you financially.
No, you should still do that.
But I also I don't know for some.
You know what?
I don't resent these favors for you.
I like doing it.
And I will say, look, I needed a segment.
So I came out swinging and it worked because you got really mad.
And also, is there some truth in it?
Probably.
Because in most of my bits, there's a little bit of truth.
This is my nightmare.
And I do a lot of favors for people.
You do.
We have to do a favor for Sona today, for instance, at the end of this.
Oh, is that true?
Yeah.
What's happening today?
We have to.
I don't want to.
No, no.
We get to.
That's right.
We get to.
You know that I like doing things for the Armenian community.
You know, I like doing that.
They're the ones you took me to Armenia in 2015.
I tried to leave you there.
You know, that was the plan.
The plan was to leave you there.
And then I was like, shut the door, shut the door.
And the pilot didn't shut the door fast enough.
And you squirted into the plane and you were like, but the plan was to leave you there.
Well, thank you for doing that.
But you shone a light on my beautiful homeland.
And since then, you've been kind of an honorary Armenian.
They're very excited.
You know what?
I will say Armenian people are always very happy to see me.
Yes.
And they say, and I say, and then they say, and we have like a nice thing going.
Yeah.
So that's always nice.
Yeah.
I meet a lot of them in steam rooms.
I don't know what that's all about.
Several times I've been in a sauna or a steam room and the naked men in there have been Armenian.
And we have a nice chat about Armenia.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah, that's a nice.
See, that's the thing.
If you hadn't taken me to Armenia, I don't think you would have been getting as many asks.
And I filter a lot.
But there are some that I... And we're doing one today, which is important.
We're doing one today.
And it's an important one.
Because it's an important event.
What is it?
It's the Armenian Heritage Walk Gala in Philadelphia, and I'm emceeing it.
How do you emcee a gala?
Oh, you're going to...
Going to Philadelphia.
Oh, I see.
There's a benefit.
And you're going to be up there saying, all right, our next auction item or that kind of thing.
No, no.
It's going to be like honoring people who help them do it.
It's this permanent installation by the Philadelphia Museum of Art.
Do you have jokes written?
I'm not you.
I don't I don't.
We know that.
But I mean, what about the bar is really low.
You got to have some material.
You can't you can't emcee a gala and not have material.
That's true.
What kind of jokes are they like?
I haven't written anything yet.
When is it?
Soon, right?
It's like really soon.
Okay.
You have to write material.
Maybe I would help you.
Another favor.
But let's.
You can't offer to do something and then say you're doing me a favor.
I can say yes to things and then resent them because that is my true hobby.
I say yes to stuff and then I resent it.
Um, you know, we got to think of some jokes, you know, about I have some like what about pomegranates and what is it about i don't want to tell you i'm nervous let's hear it i think well um one of the honorees no this is stupid come on yes no we know we have to now this is a judgment we have to one of one of the honorees is an armenian man who's an astronaut he's and so i'm gonna say you know within the last six months We've had one of the greatest moments in space when Katy Perry went up for 10 minutes.
That's a good joke.
It's a misdirect.
That's a good joke.
It's a misdirect.
That's a good joke.
Because everyone's going to think I'm talking about Artemis.
Are you explaining to me how a misdirect works?
Yes.
This is what comedy is, Conan O'Brien.
No, but you know what?
I think that's a funny joke.
Okay.
You know what's another good joke?
IAN is added to every Armenian name, right?
Yeah.
So you could say there's some other great celebrities who are Armenian.
Katy Perry in, you know, Tom Cruise in.
Yeah.
John Travolta in.
Yeah.
OK.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
I mean, this is a good Sabrina Carpenter.
And I mean, you know, you could go into that whole thing.
OK.
And you could list a whole bunch of celebrities, real names before they shorten them.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
OK.
Conan O'Brien Ian.
Not so good.
It didn't roll off the tongue.
And also, there's already a lot going on with your jokes about some of the other.
They're true.
Famous like Dr. Kevorkian.
Well, there's six honorees.
So I'm coming up with bits for each.
I'm going to kill it at this Armenian gala even more than your previous host, Dr. Kevorkian. right?
Oh, God.
Yeah.
That's a good joke.
He killed people.
I know.
I know.
Yeah.
He's the pride of the Armenian people.
Don't drive around in a van and do it.
I forget how he did it.
You know, But nowadays, euthanasia is not looked at as poorly as it was before.
He was a. Well, his name was Dr. Death and he drove around in a van.
But yeah, you're right.
He was a pioneer.
No.
Ending people's lives is all cool now.
They wanted to end them.
They were all weren't they all terminally ill?
All right.
You're taking us down a dark road.
I just think I'm going to kill it up here.
I'm going to be Armenian host who kills it the fastest since Dr. Kevorkian.
That's funny.
That's a good joke.
And then you say, by the way, other, you know, famous.
And then it's Dr. Perry.
You know what I mean?
You know.
The singer Sia, Sia Sian.
Sia Sian.
There's a good one.
I mean, we're coming up with good material right here.
You're going to kill at this thing.
I know.
Oh, I could come out as a character.
What?
Yes, I could be a character.
I could come out like as an old Armenian lady and then, you know, and I do a character.
That won't be offensive at all.
No, it's not going to be at all.
Can I hear your old Armenian lady?
Oh, hello.
It's nice to be here.
I dried the apricots and flattened them and now we're eating them.
I knew it was going to be a dry fruit thing.
And guess what?
I'm going to fly out.
I'm going to write this material and I'm going to do this on the on the gala.
And then I'm really going to resent you.
Those who are given much are expected to give much.
Oh, God.
It's clear that I've been gifted with some divine powers.
And so I must spend my time on this earth doing favors for Sonim of Session.
I think that's the rule here.
But, you know, I love you.
You know, I care about you.
Do you?
As a bit, I do.
Oh, that's nice.
Well, thank you.
I love you, too, as a bit.
Love you as a bit.
Bye.
Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley.
Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao.
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Take it away, Jimmy.
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