I found myself struggling to stick with the gym, eat healthy or reduce my alcohol consumption, even though I know it's good for me and probably what I'm supposed to be doing.
For the last five to six years, I struggled with binge eating and body dysmorphia quite a lot.
And no matter what method, I would give it a try.
Having a healthy relationship with my body and with food seemed like impossible.
But over the years I've learned that It's not about lack of motivation or willpower, even though a lot of people say that way.
It's about mastering a skill we all can learn doing the hard work without relying on motivation.
When I started to dig deeper into how we can control ourselves, I've stumbled upon a book called The Marshmallow Test.
It's basically about a study where they gave children a choice to either consume one marshmallow immediately or wait and receive two marshmallows later to measure their ability to delay instant gratification, aka doing the hard work.
I probably would fail.
You might think that the test was a simple psychological experiment, but in follow-up studies they found that the children who managed to wait longer were assessed as being more successful in life.
So they were better at focusing planning and also they scored higher on their SATs and also were better at maintaining personal relationships.
They also scanned the participants' brains and they found that those who excelled in the marshmallow test so those who waited had much more activation in their prefrontal cortex, the front part of their brain.
So what does it mean?
How does the activation in our prefrontal cortex relates to delaying gratification?
I know it sounds complicated, but let me explain.
Our self-control depends on two systems that are functioning in our body.
One that instantly reacts to our environment and one that controls our behavior.
Our emotions and basic biological needs are regulated by our limbic system, also called the cerebellum hot system.
So the hot system immediately reacts to any arousing stimuli.
So let's say, when child sees a marshmallow, his hot system makes him want to eat it right away instead of patiently waiting for more.
On the other hand, we also have a cool system.
So it's located in our prefrontal cortex.
So in the front part of our brain, and it's the part of our brain that's responsible for self-control.
Now it's starting to make a lot of sense.
The cool system is essential for making decisions, for planning or anything you know, making decisions and planning ahead, etc etc.
So when we need to control ourselves, our cool system is active.
And people with ADHD like me has lower activation in their prefrontal cortex, which means that their ability to control themselves is lower.
I don't know why I'm so hyped up about it.
Like, it's like one of the things that ruins my life.
But anyway, although our heart system is functional straight from birth, the cool system develops throughout childhood.
So this is why it's much more difficult for young children to resist any immediate gratification.
So if you have a kid and if they can't resist you anything, don't be mad at them, okay?
They don't have the cool system yet.
Be patient.
As we get older, we gain more self-control.
So everyone has the ability to improve their self-control, which is a good news, because our life experiences are constantly remodeling who we are.
This also means your self-control can also decrease too.
So delaying gratification is one of the most important skills in my life, in my opinion, if you want to have a happy, fulfilling life.
Okay, let me explain why.
Let's say you're super angry, like to someone you love, and you want to argue with them.
You want to shout at them or something, but instead of giving into these immediate emotions, you could choose to use your communication skills to find a constructive solution, like you can take a step back, you can think about the situation and, rather than shouting them, you can come up with a response that builds rather than breaks.
I'm quite sure that you also had an experience of saying things that you regret while you were angry, right?
I mean, I do.
But if we practice delayed gratification, we decrease the chance of losing to our anger.
Another example can be binge watching Netflix or endlessly scrolling through social media, like looking at Kardashians or something.
It's easy, it's comfortable, but...
Is it really serving us?
No.
Instead, we could use our time to gain skills or knowledge that will advance our career and life, turning that time into a personal investment.
One of my all-time favorite cult goals.
We must all suffer from one of two pains the pain of discipline or the pain of regret.
The difference is discipline weights ounces while regret weights tons.
Isn't it cool?
So can delayed gratification and self-control can be learned?
If so, how?
The great news is, even though some people have better impulse control, I don't.
It's proven that delaying gratification is a learned behavior, a behavior that I couldn't learn.
One of the ways to practice delayed gratification is creating if-then systems.
It's basically a way to improve self-control by creating easy to follow rules.
You make a rule where if certain thing happens, then you do a specific action.
For example, if I want to binge watch Netflix shows, I will do it at the gym while walking on a treadmill.
Or let's say I feel like eating a chocolate, I will go to the supermarket by walk and get one.
I won't store it at home.
I'm not saying that quit chocolate, but if you want to do that, then you will go to the supermarket.
So the first step in creating an if-then plan is to identify the hotspots that trigger the impulsive reactions you want to control.
Let's say you've been struggling to quit drinking every night.
You can set a rule.
If you want to drink alcohol, you will wait 15 minutes and then decide whether you still want to want it.
The hard part is identifying these impulsive reactions can be quite difficult, since most of us live on autopilot.
Like I don't even remember what I did yesterday.
And one of the practices I've been doing is Jotting down simply whenever I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing.
For example, I use like my iPad mini quite often for that, or just simply writing on my journal or just taking a note on my phone.
If I'm doing something that I should be doing scrolling on social media I just take it out saying that I'm scrolling on social media even though I shouldn't be doing it.
The more you write, the more you will realize on the areas you struggle, and it raises the awareness towards your actions, because then you will be able to see how many times what kind of an action you've been doing, even though you don't actually want it right.
Like I've seen myself writing so many times scrolling on social media without any purpose.
I have to mention another thing that has been really helping me headspace.
Okay.
So now I know what you're thinking, right?
Oh, here comes the sponsor part, secure the bag.
But the truth is, I genuinely believe in the impact it has had on me, because Headspace is an app that guides you through mindfulness and meditation.
So, if you don't know, meditation is clinically proven that it helps with activating the prefrontal cortex.
So the part that controls or self-control.
And since I have ADHD and my prefrontal cortex is quite weak, actually doing meditation is one of the things that is quite recommended for people with ADHD to strengthen that power and control ADHD more.
It doesn't mean your ADHD goes away if you meditate every single day like for hours, but it really helps with it.
Meditation helps me quite a lot with understanding my impulses better and it makes me more aware of my actions, which helps me to identify the patterns that happens to me so that I can create these systems to help those preventing happening in the future.
It's also like having a mindfulness coach, right?
Like whatever that means.
And meditation, you know, with headspace, helps you get on backtrack when your mind starts to wander, which happens to me every single time, even right now.
And also, it's not about doing it perfectly.
Everyone has their own preferred way of meditating.
For example, I meditate on bed, you know, different routines, frequencies or types of content.
And that's the beauty of it.
And you can find those on Headspace.
So Headspace allows you to personalize your mindfulness journey.
So if you've been wanting to try meditation but not sure where to start, Headspace is giving a 60 day free trial, no strings attached.
You can find the link in description or scan the QR code on screen.
If you haven't give meditation a try, I'm telling you you're missing out, because it's actually really good.
So the great thing about the If-Then system is eventually you won't need those rules anymore, because the behavior will become a habit of yours and you will do it automatically when we think that way.
Actually, habits are quite scary, because once it's become a habit of yours, you don't even realize that you're doing that thing.
So rather than like going to downfall and down downward spiral of bad habits, we can use it to create good habits so that we do things that will be grateful in the future.
And also if then plans work not only when the signal comes from an outside, let's say like an alarm walking into a bar, but also inside feelings like cravings boredom, anxiety or anger.
This technique helps make good habits automatic after a while and, for example, brushing your teeth is also an actual and if then system.
You know, if i decide to sleep, then i will brush my teeth and i hope you're doing that the same thing, and eventually you won't need those rules for yourself anymore, as the behavior will become automatic.
Like I don't even think about brushing my teeth before I go to bed.
And another important strategy is to identify when exactly you need to exercise more self-control.
For that, you need to analyze yourself.
Whenever you're stressed, for example, you might get more angry.
So analyze that pattern and decide what you would do.
For example, Whenever I'm stressed right, like whenever I have deadlines and projects that I need to make sure I get them done on time, I get really stressed and I find myself drinking a lot of alcohol.
So one of the if-then plans that I made for myself is to go to the gym whenever I'm feeling stressed and then drink if I want to still drink after my gym session.
And most of the time I realized that I actually don't want to drink anymore. right like in my brain that was a kind of like a coping mechanism for me but because i created this if then system whenever i'm now stressed then i go and get a good workout session done and that really helped me to practice delayed gratification because rather than getting that dopamine rush from an alcohol now i get that dopamine from working out and i practice delayed gratification and also working out helps with developing your prefrontal cortex too and Let's say you eat a lot when you're upset or stressed, right?
In that case, you could make a plan.
If I feel upset and I want to eat a lot, then I will make myself a cup of herb tea journal, maybe some meditation and maybe take a quick nap or go for a walk.
Identifying these are quite hard, and that's why most of us struggle, in my opinion.
And the more I delve into self-improvement, the more I realize the importance of being mindful with ourselves.
Whether you pick meditating journaling, yoga or even going for a silent walk alone, the important point is allowing yourself to fail and just observe what's happening around you and how you're reacting.
Because changing is difficult and it's also really painful.
I'm sure you're experiencing a lot of stress and there are a lot of issues in your life that you need to figure out, but just don't forget to be kind to yourself.
Because failure is a part of journey.
I forget to be kind to myself too.
But we need to make sure to learn from our mistakes and try to create if-then systems to prevent them from happening.
It won't be easy for sure, but good things are never easy, right?
I'm here for you and I'm rooting for your success.
See you soon.
