They don't like you.
How much better would a lot of our lives and experiences be if we could just say those four words to ourselves take the L, adjust accordingly and move on.
Some of our greatest heartbreaks have come from the failure to look this truth in the face.
Many, many moons ago, I met a boy.
Let's call him S. And no, he didn't break my heart and I doubt I broke his.
But I wrote a poem about him.
I write poems about everything.
I fall in like every three to six years.
So the day I met S, I was buzzing.
It was my fourth year of not liking anyone.
And here was a reminder that I was still human.
I had never felt so viscerally drawn to another person.
It was primitive and mutual.
It was fun.
And then it wasn't.
Somebody omitted important information.
And that somebody wasn't me.
So I recoiled.
S called me cold, detached and mean and maybe he was right.
He wanted to stay friends.
And for the first time in a little while, he had my attention.
So I stopped, turned, looked him directly in the eyes and said, You will never be my friend.
Leave me alone.
That was the last time I ever saw him.
I would read the whole poem, but it's PG-18, so here's some of what I wrote.
We broke up, he said, proceeding to paint me the perfect separation, egged on by the natural okay, almost natural compliance of my head, which he would have noticed if he just took a little breath between the lies that lined his lips.
He was determined to soar.
So I played the game, then watched in amusement as he paced in confusion and anger, wondering why the journey seemed farther.
He was on the hunt, thought he had a spray.
He just hadn't realised that he sat between my teeth, locked in my jaw.
I was just keeping him alive for the lust of it.
The poem is titled, Why I Didn't Kill Him Immediately.
Oh my gosh.
Now, in hindsight, because it is 2020, that entire entry is all ego.
That's how I thought I felt.
Yes, but in reality, I don't think I was being honest with myself.
Even though I didn't have any deep, deep feelings for this person, I was a bit bruised by the fact that he lied to me.
And maybe a part of me knew he was lying but pretended not to know.
Not for some sick game I was privy to, but because I genuinely wanted to have fun and I enjoyed his presence.
If you scroll any social media, there's all this talk about narcissists avoidance sociopaths, all sorts of divergences.
But if we take our egos out of the equation, it boils down to one thing and one thing only.
They don't like you.
Unless you are qualified to make behavioural diagnosis, we don't know that your ex friend lover, roommate or co-worker is a narcissist.
What we do know is that they didn't and still don't like you.
And that is actually okay.
Human connection is a numbers game.
You won't be everyone's cup of tea.
It's incredibly sad that there are people who will take advantage of others that they do not care for, just to receive the convenience and benefits they offer.
So, since they won't tell you the truth, if they do things only someone without your best interest at heart would do.
You guessed it.
They don't care about you.
Trying to find a label to explain away or make sense of their behaviour is akin to my allusion of privity to the game.
Pretending I was in control with S.
It's all ego unhealed, hungry and desperate to protect itself, disguising itself as insight.
People are allowed to not like you.
What you cannot do is let them feel that way while still enjoying the benefits of your presence.
If you have to open up your notes app to weigh the pros and cons of the relationship or type signs of a narcissist into Google, I fear you already have your answer.
What you do with that truth is entirely up to you.
But don't pretend you don't know.
Hi, my lovelies, i've been working on something really sweet for you.
It's like a little offering from me to you.
It's called love notes.
I'll be dropping it next week, so keep an eye out.
As always, it's been an absolute pleasure.
My name is pearl girl and i'll see you in the next video.
I'm looking for a song to sing for you, but no song is coming to my mind.
Share my life.
Take me for what I am.
I don't want to shed all my colors for you.
