These are my personal opinions.
Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well-being.
I think I spent a long time in my entire life waiting for happiness to come, when I could have just taken steps toward it and stopped waiting for other people to change, stopped waiting for my work to change.
You know, stop waiting for me to like my work.
And I never took those steps because I just assumed that this is how you live your life.
You accept what you have without question, unless it's really terrible and you want to change, which is fine.
I mean, that's what I believed.
You could change if you wanted to, but if it was, I guess, good enough, it was good enough.
And so I stuck around.
Even relationships I was unhappy in, I was so loyal that I wanted to stay because I didn't want to be the guy who left.
I also, I think this is part of it, I also had a fear of being alone and feeling abandoned.
So I didn't leave because of that too.
Probably mostly because of that.
It was dysfunction running the show.
But in general, I think there are a lot of people out there that choose to stay in a relationship, a job or any environment or situation they're in, even when they have the means to change, because either change is hard or change is wrong or whatever.
There's a reason that you don't change, especially when you can when you're unhappy.
That doesn't mean it's easy.
It just means you can.
Like I could leave a relationship if I wanted to because I could.
But, you know, there's a lot involved.
I got to move.
I got to figure out my finances.
Maybe I want to find somebody else.
That's not where I am today, but that's where I was in the past because, you know, had to find somebody else because I had a fear of being alone.
Again, dysfunctions running the show.
But I think there are a lot of people out there, including myself at one time that saw either a difficult situation or an unhappy situation where we didn't change it because it was well, either good enough or not bad enough.
If it's not bad enough, maybe you won't be compelled to change.
If it's good enough, maybe you won't be compelled to change.
For me, it was always either not bad enough or good enough.
And there's a mediocre-ness to that.
It feels mediocre.
It feels like, well, this reminds me of C-3PO in Star Wars.
I guess this is our lot in life, he told R2-D2.
Or he said something like that.
I think when they were walking through the desert, C-3PO just said something like oh, this is our lot in life.
This is the hand we're dealt.
He didn't say that, but this is the hand we're dealt, and so I'm just going to play it.
I think there's benefit to playing the hand we're dealt for sure.
And sometimes we have to.
Sometimes we are just in that place until we can get out of it.
Until we're dealt a new hand or we ask for a new hand.
Asking for one might mean making the change ourselves.
I can understand this philosophy.
I can understand this way of life.
My mom didn't want to make a change for 40 years and she was unhappy in her marriage that whole time.
I remember my first relationship.
I thought that after 13 years of being in a relationship, this is how it was going to be.
So the last two years of the relationship became stale, analytical, disconnected emotionally.
I mean analytical in the sense that we weren't having emotionally connected or charged conversations and we weren't connecting at an intimate level.
And so I thought, okay, well, this is how it will be from this point on.
I might as well accept it and just be happy that we're together.
But that was the wrong attitude.
That was the wrong approach.
As soon as something went sour or south, I should have spoken up.
We both should have spoken up.
We both should have said, hey, something is not right in the relationship or I'm having feelings.
Or I'm losing feelings.
I'm losing my connection with you.
And I want to fix that.
I want to change that.
Or I'm losing my connection with you and I don't want to change that.
I feel like this is the right path for me to take.
That would have been a productive yet extremely difficult conversation.
But sometimes the difficult conversations are what are required to in order to be productive, in order to make progress in our life.
And of course, there is the factor of sympathy and empathy, where we might have to give someone bad news that we know will make them feel terrible.
If I make you feel terrible, I'll feel terrible.
So I don't want to give you that bad news.
So I will continue to live in this mediocre space with you, you know, in a relationship, for example, or work in this mediocre space with you.
You're my coworker.
You're my boss.
And I don't, you know, I'm not happy here.
I don't like you here.
So I'm just going to continue going in this direction, even though it'll be hard on me, but I don't want to make it hard on you or my coworkers or whatever.
And there's a legitimate reason to feel that way because we actually care about other people.
I think most people listening right now, including myself, care about how someone is going to feel when they receive news.
Like I'm going to quit or I want a divorce or I want to change things.
The way they are is not working for me.
We care about other people's feelings.
But when do we prioritize ourselves?
Ever?
Never.
Do you ever prioritize yourself?
I hope so.
I hope you prioritize your feelings and what you want in your life.
Sometimes I could say it all the time, but there are compromises that we make for others just to Make things better as a whole, as a big picture.
For example, I don't necessarily do or say everything that I want to do or say in my marriage.
Because if I did, and I'm not talking about mean things, I'm talking about just anything.
Like I think of a joke and I know that won't go over well.
And I probably shouldn't say that because we have a sort of different sense of humor.
So I'm not going to say that.
So I could be 100% myself.
And yes, I encourage that.
I encourage authenticity.
But I've decided to make small compromises that really aren't compromises at all.
They're just toning myself down a little bit because overall, I'm happy.
And overall, my happiness comes from being in this relationship.
And so my overall happiness...
Has a lot to do with what I will do and not do and what I will say and not say and same with her.
What she will do and not do and not say and will say.
And then we find the common grounds that work best and we amplify those.
And then we have a great relationship because we are willing to talk about things, even the difficult things, so we can get past them.
And that is where our authenticity comes in.
When we're authentic and honest and share what's on each other's minds.
I share what's on mine, she shares what's on hers and we get it out in the open.
If it's something that bothers us, if something is bothering me about what she says or does or whatever, or how she acts or behaves or whatever, Then I'm going to get it out in the open so we can have a conversation about it.
And she does the same thing.
She has no problem doing the same thing.
And I got to get her on the show.
People have been asking, you know, I want to hear Asha.
Maybe they want to hear Asha respond to everything I talk about because I talk about her a lot.
But I have no problem even sharing the stuff I talk about with her after and say hey, I said this about you.
And she'll laugh or say something or ignore it or whatever, because she knows that I will do my best to represent her as she is and not try to make something up.
So she knows that and she has all this material to listen to.
If she ever thinks that I'm misrepresenting her,
Anyway, my point is that we're honest with each other and that helps us be more productive in the relationship and progress the relationship. grow stronger and even bringing up the more difficult stuff to talk about helps us grow stronger as well because any relationship that survives the difficulties usually strengthens usually strengthens the bond that's if you want to strengthen the bond that's if you want a relationship that is built on trust and honesty even through the difficult times so that when you get through those difficult times you can look back and say well I
I mean, if something's happening now, you can say well, back then we survived that difficult time because we were honest about how we thought and felt.
So this is a difficult time as well.
And because we're going to be honest again, it means that well, hopefully it means that we will get through this too.
And because we were honest before, our trust is strong.
And when there's strong trust, You can talk to each other and believe the other person what they're saying and move forward knowing that there's nothing being made up or deceptive.
So that doesn't become an obstacle in our progress.
So where am I going with all this?
I received a couple emails that one was over a year old, and this one is not too far back.
But I'm going to read you these and talk about...
The length of time that we choose to stay in a relationship or situation that makes us unhappy or is bad for us in a toxic way, like abusive behaviors, or you're with somebody who makes you feel bad all the time.
And you haven't made any steps toward addressing that or changing it, or you've made steps and nothing's changed.
And when nothing changes, there's a point where you have to tell yourself something needs to change.
And I just addressed this recently, where you tell yourself, this doesn't work for me.
I think that was the last episode.
This doesn't work for me.
Now what?
Now what do we do?
Okay, I know this isn't working for me.
Now what?
And this is the leap into the chasm of the unknown.
If this isn't working for me, what do I do about it?
And that can be a difficult question.
So I'm going to read you both of these messages and then we'll talk about it.
First one says, I've been married for over 30 years.
Our marriage went through a transformation after one year.
My husband didn't acknowledge my unhappiness.
He was happy with the way our marriage developed.
He saw nothing wrong with it.
But then he was condescending and patronizing toward my hurt feelings.
He felt I made stories up in my head and there was nothing wrong with his behavior.
And that was just emotional and insecure.
We stayed together for financial reasons and we were able to live a comfortable life.
He worked over here I won't mention it and I had this business over here and we combined our incomes.
But I decided at 70 years old to change my life without changing the assets we have.
We've agreed that if I find a relationship somewhere else and I become intimate in that relationship, that I would move out.
Upon his death, inheritance, including medical, remains the same.
My father said to me upon his deathbed that you need to be happy.
So I quit hiding from myself and now I live my truth.
Wow.
Probably didn't know it was going there, did you?
Thanks for sharing that.
I'm going to read this next one now.
I've been in an unhappy marriage for over 24 years.
I left twice before.
I filed for divorce and I felt liberated both times.
But I went back hoping he'd change.
Things would seem great at first and then the same patterns would return.
He uses my insecurities against me.
He refuses to show me affection or praise.
And he tells me he won't be, quote, led by me because he's a man.
He's verbally abusive, manipulates me using religion, and he's even gotten physical.
There's a predictable cycle where he's nice during the week and then hostile on the weekends.
Every conversation turns into a fight.
So I've started giving vague responses and avoiding him.
But that makes things worse.
I've worked hard to change my own behaviors.
Yelling and screaming and insecurity.
But I still slip back into old patterns.
I'm at my breaking point and scared to leave a third time because I fear my kids will hate me.
I love him and I think he can change if he wants to.
But deep down I know continuing like this is unbearable.
I feel foolish for considering leaving again.
And I often wonder if he's right about me being the problem.
Thank you so much for sharing that.
I'm so sorry you've gone through this and it sounds like you're still working on this stuff.
And I have so much to comment on from that message that I could make an entire episode on it.
But what I want to do is because this is a different episode today, I'm not going to talk about all these specific items.
What I want to do is Actually reframe your entire message so that, when you write something like this out or think about it, you consider these following reframes
You'll understand what I mean in a minute.
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I'm just going to read you what I wrote down here.
This is your message reframed.
I've been in an unhappy marriage for over 24 years, but I've had the courage to leave twice before.
Filing for divorce and feeling liberated both times.
I chose to go back hoping he'd change and I'm learning that hope doesn't equal reality.
Things would seem great at first, proving I was right to test whether change was real.
But then the same patterns would return, proving I was right to be cautious.
He uses my insecurities against me, which shows me that he is aware of my vulnerabilities, and he chooses to exploit them rather than protect them.
He refuses to show me affection or praise and tells me he won't be quote, led by me revealing that he sees partnership as a power struggle that he needs to win.
He's verbally abusive.
He manipulates me using religion.
He's even gotten physical, confirming that this isn't about me needing to try harder.
There's a predictable cycle where he's nice during the week, but then hostile on the weekends.
And you know what?
I'm smart enough to recognize the pattern instead of believing.
Each good moment means lasting change.
Every conversation turns into a fight, so I've started protecting myself by giving vague responses and creating distance, even though that makes things worse, because I'm learning there is no right way to interact with someone determined to make me the problem.
I've worked hard to change my own behaviors yelling and screaming, and insecurity, showing that I'm capable of growth and self-reflection.
I'm at my breaking point in considering leaving a third time.
This shows that I haven't given up on myself.
Yes, I'm scared my kids will hate me, which shows I'm a caring mother who considers their feelings, even though staying in abuse isn't actually protecting them.
I love him and I keep thinking he can change if he wants to.
But I'm wise enough to know that wanting someone to change and them actually changing are two different things.
Deep down I know continuing like this is unbearable.
And that knowing is my truth trying to save me.
What do you think of that?
That's a lot better than what you wrote.
And I'm not putting you down for that.
I'm not saying that what you wrote was bad or wrong.
It was exactly what you're going through.
What I'm writing is more of a motivational speech for yourself, because when you write this stuff out, we're usually in our stuff.
We're usually in our old patterns and that again, is not wrong.
It's just where we are.
When you have been verbally and emotionally, and sometimes physically, beaten down, it can be difficult to get back up, but the reason i gave you this reframe hopefully, is so that you can see what's truly happening inside of you, even though it feels like you are being defeated.
What's really happening is exactly what i said at the very end Your truth is trying to save you.
You know you deserve better.
That's why I rewrote this for you.
Because how you wrote it feels like there's no way out.
There's no options.
And you feel completely powerless.
And I'm hoping my rewrite, my reframe, whatever you want to call it, reminded you of your power.
And specifically to this person.
That is definitely how you can remind yourself that you're not foolish for considering leaving again.
You're courageous because you did it before.
It takes courage.
I want you to remember those words and replay this if you have to replay this, because it's important that you drill that in instead of thinking that you have no options and no power because it's in there.
And I know it's hard to make big changes like this, but we have to consider what happens if we don't make the change.
And I know you have.
I know you've considered that.
But I want to invigorate you.
I want to motivate you to make changes that are right for you because you deserve it.
And anyone who cares about you and loves you and cares about your happiness will support that.
Even him.
If he really loves you, if he really cares about you.
He's going to support what makes you happy.
And if you feel that he only supports what makes you feel bad, what makes you feel sad or down or confused, then that is not love.
There might be a toxic type of love that he is trying to show you, but it's not love.
It's not love the way I see it.
It's not healthy.
And so when we're in an unhealthy place, we have to remind ourselves that we might be stuck in a pattern, convincing ourselves that we have no options.
And I know, again, sometimes the options feel impossible.
And I get that.
And I'm not saying that you should just change everything in your life right now.
I'm saying start thinking differently.
This is how the pattern changes.
And as to the last sentence of that message where you said I often wonder if he's right about me being the problem.
I said this many times on my other podcast, Love and Abuse, and I probably said it over here a few times.
If you believe that you might be the problem, then you are probably 99.9% not the problem.
Because people who think they might be a problem are the ones who accommodate adapt, trying to change for another person.
The abusive person, the toxic person, they don't think they're a problem ever.
I don't know if you know a toxic person in your life.
When was the last time they said, I wonder if I'm causing this.
I wonder if I'm doing these things that are hurting other people.
Maybe I should look into that.
Maybe I should reflect upon that.
How many times have you heard that?
The only time you hear that is when there's true change the very next day.
I mean, it can happen.
A toxic person, an emotionally abusive person, can have an epiphany and say I wonder if I'm doing these things, or I wonder how I'm contributing to these things.
Whoa, I better reflect on that and start making changes.
Because if that thought comes into their head, then there's some seedling that is sprouting in there of a better way of being.
And if that's in there, then more can be in there.
And if more can be in there, they can change.
It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's a beautiful thing.
But unless you hear them say I'm taking responsibility, I now understand how I'm being toxic or hurtful or abusive.
Unless you hear them say that they'll never say anything like.
I wonder if they're right about me being the problem.
That takes evolved thinking.
It takes emotional intelligence.
It takes personal responsibility for someone to say, I might be doing these things.
I need to reflect on what I do and what I say because I don't want to be a harmful person.
I don't want to be a toxic person.
And so I need to reflect on those things.
That's evolved thinking.
I mean, that's how I look at it.
It's evolved.
It's emotionally evolved.
It's emotionally intelligent.
And it is the opposite of toxic behaviors.
When somebody is toxic, they look outside themselves.
They only see the problem everywhere else but themselves.
They don't take any responsibility for the problems in their life.
They don't see themselves as the cause of any issues.
They see everyone else as the cause.
The toxic person always plays the victim.
They believe that everything happens to them from other people.
And they believe that the world is against them.
A toxic person doesn't think that they need to change at all.
So when I see a message that says, I wonder if they're right about me being the problem.
I know they're not.
I know that this person who wrote is not the problem. especially after everything else they wrote.
And I know I'm taking only one side here, but I've seen this for the last 15 years of my life.
I've seen messages like this.
I've talked to people directly that are in these relationships and it's always the same.
It really is.
The person who says, what can I do to change?
What can I do?
To work on myself is almost always the victim of the behavior instead of the perpetrator of the behavior.
Yes, there might be a .001% of those exceptions out there, but they're rare.
And yes, there can be two toxic people in the relationship that do it to each other.
It becomes a confusing mess because now it's been happening for so long, you don't know when it started.
But I often see something that started it.
One person acting like a jerk.
The other person doesn't like that.
They're acting like a jerk, so they act like a jerk back, and then It goes on and on.
And that's a different story for a different episode.
But I want to thank the person who wrote and get back to the first message which, as a reminder, was the 70-year-old woman who decided that she wanted to quit hiding from herself and live her truth.
I read both of these because there are things in common that I wanted to put out there.
And I could also reframe hers, but because it ended with the line, I quit hiding from myself and live my truth, or now, live my truth.
This line was so important to me because I've heard from people in their twenties who say it's too late.
I'll never be happy.
I'll never get what I want in my life.
Or this relationship was the only relationship that was ever going to work out for me and it didn't work out.
And now I'm going to be unhappy for the rest of my life.
So what's the point?
This is people in their 20s, people in their 30s, people in their 50s and their 60s.
And this is a person in their 70s that said, you know what?
I'm ready to change.
I'm ready to move forward.
And that doesn't mean, oh, it's now late and she doesn't have much time left.
It means it's never too late.
It's never too late because tomorrow can be a different day.
So if you're 70, 80, 90, and you decide, I've had enough.
This isn't working for me.
I need to make a change.
And you're able to make that change because I know it gets a little harder when you get older.
But let's just say you're able to make a change, a simple change, even if it's speaking your truth for the first time or honoring your boundary for the first time.
If you're able to make that change, tomorrow can be a different day.
And that's the difference.
Maybe you don't need to hear this, but I think if you need to hear this, you might need this as motivation to at least think differently.
If you believe you're powerless, if you believe you have no options, if you believe you're going to be unhappy for the rest of your life, if you believe it's too late, it's never too late.
I've gone through this many times in my life where I said, well, I guess this is it.
It's over.
It's too late for me.
I'm 36.
And then at 46, oh, it's too late for me.
I guess it's over.
I guess this is the way it's going to be for the rest of my life.
And then now I'm 55.
I don't think that way anymore.
I mean, I didn't think that way at 46, but it was pretty close in my early 40s.
I was thinking that way.
But at 55, I'm thinking, okay, well, I hope this continues on a good path.
But if it doesn't, at least I still have about, I don't know, 50 years left.
I'm being very generous.
But let's just say I do.
So, even if I'm 90 and I'm terribly unhappy, what if I could just finally speak my truth or say something I didn't want to say before and now?
I'm saying it because Who cares?
I'm 90.
I don't care about the consequences anymore.
And then I say it and then I feel better because I've been holding back.
Margaret, I'm sick and tired of you changing the channel when I'm watching.
I've had enough.
I'm not saying that you should say that, but I'm thinking, okay, if I was 90, what would I say?
What would I do?
It might be something as minor as that.
And I never said anything.
I never spoke up.
Don't use that as an example.
I'm just making this up on the fly.
But my point is, even at 70, this person decided to take a stand for herself.
And the way I see this, every time somebody says, I decided to do this.
Even though it was hard, even though there were other obligations in my life, even though I had these commitments, I decided to do this.
There is an inner strength in that statement.
And when I see that happening, all I hear is somebody saying I love myself and therefore I deserve this.
I hear them saying that in my head.
I hear them saying, I deserve more than what I have today.
I hear them saying, I respect myself more than I'll allow you to disrespect me.
I hear them saying, I love you more than you fear me being myself.
All of that wrapped into that one statement that this person made.
I quit hiding from myself and I live my truth.
If you're ever afraid of living your truth or you don't even know what your truth is, Answer the question, and I've said this before, but answer the question.
What would I do or say if I had absolutely no fear of the consequences?
That is your truth.
So when somebody says something that upsets you or you feel oppressed in some way and you're living a certain way, or you're in an unhappy relationship or unhappy environment or whatever, And you ask the question what would I do or say if I had absolutely no fear of the consequences?
And then let the answer come.
It might surprise you.
You might say, well, no, no, I better not do that.
But let it come.
Let it rise up and out of you, out of your mouth or in your brain, feel it, think it.
What would I do if I had absolutely no fear of the consequences?
And then visualize what happens next.
Like if I did say that, what would happen?
Oh, they might get mad.
But would you feel better after you said it?
Probably not because they'll get so mad, but I've been wanting to say it.
And if I had no fear of the consequences?
Or, even better, if I knew there would be no consequences?
That might even be a better way to say it.
What would I do or say if there were no consequences?
That might be something better.
But I like the no fear of the consequences, because you know there's going to be consequences but you don't fear what happens.
And so I wanted to read you these two messages, because one is all about someone finding their truth and following it.
And knowing that they're at a certain age in life, it's still not too late.
Because even if you've gone 70 years and you've not been happy...
Your 70 years plus one day, that next day could be completely different.
And wouldn't that be better than the next day being the same way as it's always been?
And so I'm hoping there's some messages between the lines and what I talked about today, something that you picked up that you might be able to use in your life.
I want to thank you for listening to another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.
I want to thank the patrons of the week, Christy, Anna, Sandra, Debra, and Tammy.
Thank you so much for supporting the show.
I'm very grateful to you and it always warms my heart every time I see your names.
And if you find value in this show, like these patrons do, and you want to give back, head over to moretobcom and there are options to do that over there.
Thank you, patrons.
I appreciate all of you.
And for a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship, listen to my other podcast called Love and Abuse over at loveandabusecom.
And if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship and you want to change that about yourself, join the program that is helping a lot of people heal over at healedbeingcom.
It has changed a lot of relationships.
So if you know you're the problem in the relationship, Again head over to healedbeingcom and start your free lessons today.
And with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
And be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve.
You are powerful beyond measure.
And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you, you are amazing.
