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Hey everyone, Robin here, and I am about to be joined by Rosie.
Yay!
And we are going to be answering some big questions today.
We've got one about being jealous of other people's abilities.
One about when serious life problems stop you from meditating.
And we will also be talking about when you have trouble letting go of possessions.
So here we go.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Someone you can call after a long day, someone you could lean on for their advice, someone to listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace, a podcast where I sit with a meditation teacher and we answer your questions.
Hi, Rosie.
It is so always lovely to see you.
How are you?
Same, same.
I'm good.
I just miss you so much.
I know, I know.
I wish we could do this every day.
Wouldn't that be amazing?
It would.
I mean, it might get in the way of life, but I cherish this time, Rosie.
No, but actually you know no, I think it's good because we get to listen to every.
I love listening to the other teachers episodes.
I mean, I'm a fan of the show.
So I think for me, even though I don't get to do it every week, I get to listen every week.
So that's a plus.
Oh, that's lovely.
Well, since I have you here and we have a job to do, are you ready to get to some questions?
Let's do it.
All right.
Here is our first question from Em.
Hi, my name is Em.
I live in New York.
A couple of years ago, there was a fracture in my marriage that completely tore up my entire world.
And my biggest savior was Radioheadspace.
I was meditating every day.
I was journaling.
I practiced self-love for the first time in my whole life.
I learned what it was like to talk nicely to yourself, about yourself, and to just love yourself, no matter what.
And I felt like a completely new person.
But then about a year ago, another situation happened that caused me to take 10 steps back and i just can't regain my focus for meditation, no matter how many times i try, i just can't do it and my anxiety is affecting my sleep.
I get about three hours of solid sleep and then for the rest of the night i'm just up and i just can't get back to sleep and i'll lay in bed and break out in a sweat.
My breathing gets really heavy, i feel like throwing up and it's just, it's debilitating.
At this point.
I've tried so many times to get my focus back and i just can't seem to meditate anymore, and it was such a lifeline for me and i really want it back.
So Any advice that you can give me on how to regain that focus would be great.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for that question.
Yeah, I think, wow, I can relate to so much of that.
I think a lot of people that are listening to this have all been through a very tough time where your life gets turned upside down.
And even though we have the capacity and the resilience to be able to bounce back from very challenging obstacles, I think, at the end of the day, it is important for us to acknowledge how difficult it is.
And thank you Em, for being vulnerable and for sharing where you are, because I think that this question would really help a lot of people, because I think a lot of us yeah have been there before.
We've had this experience where we've felt like we can't come back to center.
And you know, one thing that I will say is being through a situation like that and actually having one of my closest friends go through a very difficult time, going through a divorce.
It's been really difficult to be able to navigate all the emotions that go on when you have something very traumatic happen to you.
It obviously makes sense for the anxiety to be there and for not being able to sleep and the constant feeling of maybe even being in fear that another shoe is going to drop or when's the next thing going to happen, type of thing.
So Again, I really feel for you.
I think that what's helped me in the past, whenever I've been in a situation like this, and what I find has been really helpful to my friend, is obviously talking about it.
I mean, I'm a big fan.
I've talked about it here ad nauseum.
We start off by saying I'm not a therapist, but I really love therapy.
It has been such a game changer for me.
And I know that for a lot of people that have gone through very difficult moments in their lives have really benefited from talking to somebody about what's going on.
The word resilience is really coming to mind right now.
And I love the Latin definition of resilience as Resilare, which means to recoil.
Right.
So it doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to bounce back.
I'm going to be better than before.
It's like it's your ability to come back.
Yeah. right?
To come back to that state of neutral, let's call it.
And now you're saying that something else happened where you felt like it brought you 10 steps back or it took you into this place, where you feel like maybe you've Thank you so much for having me.
My recommendation, and I can speak from my experience.
Sometimes the same things don't always work right.
Something that worked for me 10 years ago might not work for me now.
I've tried.
Yeah, definitely tried to do the things that worked for me in the past.
And as we grow and as we get older, we evolve, we require different things.
And so I would say, with regard to your meditation practice, I want to talk about your sleep too, but with regard to your meditation practice, maybe your meditation looks differently.
Maybe your meditation isn't sitting eyes closed, being still.
Maybe your meditation looks like going for a walk, or listening to your favorite album, or going out with your friend or taking an art class or just doing something different.
One of the definitions that I love about meditation is to become familiar with.
And so your ability to become familiar with wherever you are in this moment is key to being able to move through it right.
You're not going to move through it the way that you did before.
This is a different moment.
Now, with regard to the sleep portion of the question, my big advice to people is always I just go straight to the practical.
It's like, okay, what's keeping you from sleeping?
Are you on your devices?
Are you watching TV?
Are you having too much sugar before bed?
Are you consuming too much alcohol?
All of the things that are going to affect your sleep.
If you're not doing any of that, or if you're sort of minimizing that to an extent, then the process becomes very different.
I would then begin to just question.
We talked about hormones the last time Robin and I talked.
Every time now when I hear somebody, especially a woman...
I'm getting night sweats.
I'm not able to sleep.
I'm feeling nauseous.
I'm feeling moody.
I'm feeling this.
And I'm like, oh, it might be time to go get your hormones checked.
I'm like a big, I'm a super fan now, right, Robin?
I'm like, get your hormones checked.
Make sure that everything is on balance because sometimes that could be throwing you off.
Depending on where you are on your cycle as well, that could be a component.
So those two practical things, I would say, start there first.
A practice that you can do for sleeping, I'm a big fan of yoga nidra.
It's like yogic sleep.
On the app, it looks like a sleep cast or it looks like meditation for sleep.
Any type of sleep guided program would be really, really great.
I know that we have some on the app and they've been very helpful to a lot of people that I know, a lot of my students.
So I would definitely incorporate some of that into your day.
I wanna hear what Robin has to say about this, because I have a feeling she's gonna have some good nuggets in there for us.
No pressure.
So I'm going to pass it over to you.
Well, I'm plus one-ing on everything you're saying, because all those things jumped out at me too during the question.
But there was one other thing and you mentioned it, Rosie about how Em said I feel like I took 10 steps back, feel like there's a real unkindness to yourself.
It's not linear.
Sometimes, like life shows up and kind of slaps you in the face and then you just have to address the problem.
That's there, right here and right now.
And I don't think that that necessarily means that there's backsliding.
It just means you have.
There's an elephant in the room you have to address if you want to feel differently.
And so I think, just being kind to yourself you know we talk a lot about that on the show, about talking to yourself the way you would talk to your child or a loved one or a friend, or you know, Sam talks all the time about, you know, talking to herself and she does that thing.
She'd be like, Sam, I'm having a hard day right now.
And I like when she does that, I always love that.
And I just I have a vision of you.
Em talking really kindly to yourself and being like this is really hard right now.
This is a tough situation and I'm going to do the best I can to come through this.
And you know, and then doing all the things that Rosie was talking about maybe, maybe seeing a therapist or life coach or, depending on what it is that's going on for you like, but finding something that fits right now.
And I also want to add the component of having self-compassion, right?
That's what we're talking about.
She also did mention having the feeling of self-love, that she had felt self-love for the very first time.
And with this last hurdle, it sounds like a great place to start would be to practice self-compassion and give yourself that space, because so many of us, The first thing that we do when we fall is to berate ourselves.
Yeah.
We go into this right self deprecating place of I can't believe it.
I did it again.
I messed up.
I suck.
Whatever it is, instead of holding ourselves in a kind and compassionate way and saying, oh wow, that that hurt.
That was really hard.
And and I'm OK and I'm going to be OK.
And I'm going to take as long as I need to take in order to start feeling better again or feeling back like myself, and I'm going to give myself as much space and as much time as I need to heal, because healing is nonlinear, just like you said, right.
So I think that that's also a big component and something that's important to to try and incorporate into your daily practice.
Absolutely.
And you know, what's interesting is you were talking about the sleep thing.
By the time this episode comes out, because obviously there's a little bit of a production timeline here.
The guided sleep program is going to be available in the app.
So that's something to check out, too, if you are, in fact, a Headspace user.
So lots of stuff there for you, Em.
And good luck.
And just know that we're here and we're with you and we're sending good vibes.
That's right, Em.
All right, let's go to our next question from Mick.
Dear Headspace, my name is Mick and I'm from Belgium.
I'm going to use that last one as an excuse for my English.
My question is about jealousy, or at least I think it is about jealousy.
For sure, it is not on a romantic or material level.
It is rather a jealousy of someone else's ability or someone's being.
I was in the waiting room at the doctor when I saw a magazine about running.
You should know that I love to run without being good at it.
For some reason, some thoughts came over me that I started comparing myself to my doctor when it comes to running.
At one hand, I felt myself getting smaller and smaller, and something crossed my mind like wouldn't you better stop?
You're not good at all.
Unfortunately, there have been several examples in the past where that inner voice won.
At the same moment, my ego was playing.
I recognized that I was saying to myself that my doctor certainly hasn't done this or that in terms of running.
I was placing myself on a statue.
I would love to be genuine happy for everyone their abilities and not only for a few of them.
That's why I hope Headspace can put me on the right track.
One of the things that is really staying with me right now, because I can relate to so much of what he said, is that his intention essentially is he wants to be able to be happy for other people's capabilities.
But the real thing that you need to do is be happy about your own capabilities.
You need to really Turn that attention and awareness back to yourself and celebrate your own abilities.
Your own capabilities, your own wins, the things that make you unique.
I really believe that every single person has their own secret sauce.
And as much as it pains me sometimes to see other people do things that I want to do, And it does.
And it does affect me.
And I've been doing this for a long time.
And it doesn't matter that I've been practicing mindfulness for 20 years.
I still get jealous.
It's just something that happens.
I think it's just part of our humanity.
The thing that I don't do, though, I don't let that run away.
And create a narrative and build resentment within me, because that's something that I think over time begins to build a neurological pathway that begins to steal your joy.
Didn't Thich Nhat Hanh say comparison is the thief of joy?
Yeah.
And so when we begin to compare ourselves to other people or other people's abilities, it makes it really hard.
One of my old mentors from my early 20s, when I first started practicing mindfulness, said to me once When you compare your insides to somebody else's outsides, you're going to lose every time.
And essentially it's like when I see somebody, for example, on Instagram, I'm seeing an external expression of some thing.
I'm seeing the end result of some maybe years and years of hard work.
And I'm comparing it not to my outsides, but to my insides.
My inside's getting hurt, right?
I'm not getting externally hurt by some sharp object.
The sharp objects exist inside.
Yeah.
And I think that those are the most insidious.
For sure.
Like, why should I write another book?
Somebody else has written a better book.
Somebody else has written a bestselling book.
So does that mean that I shouldn't write?
I mean, I can convince myself of that pretty easily.
Well, and you heard Mick do that.
You heard him go right to like, why do I even bother?
It's just a hop, skip and a jump to why do I even bother?
Yeah.
And it's true.
And look, so many of us have been caught in that cycle.
And The reason why I say it's a familiar neurological pathway, because it really is.
I mean, just as we know, like the brain, all the plasticity can be molded and shaped and we can still grow and learn new skills and our brain can actually change and we can build new habits and new routines.
We create a known default state of negative thinking or comparison mind when we often go into that state.
And so we need to unlearn that.
We need to sort of break those pathways down.
I mean the thing that's coming to mind right now with the.
I think we've talked about this before, but I've ran four marathons, but I still have a hard time considering myself a runner.
And it's like, well, what is that?
It's the conditioning of the mind that I don't have the physical body type of a runner.
I don't have... maybe the right speed to be a runner because I'm still a little slow.
You know, I have bad knees, my ankles messed up.
You know, it's just like that whole thing.
But I've completed these Pretty long feet.
Like anyone would say you are a runner.
I would call you a runner.
Right.
Yeah.
But that's the whole point is in my mind, it's going to matter more what I tell myself than what somebody else tells me.
So that's why...
It's the whole adage like happiness is an inside job and only you can get yourself to the place of acceptance and reassurance and creating a new neurological pathway for positive affirmation for yourself.
Yeah.
There's that moment of when you realize you're jealous or envious, or of another person and what they have.
And then what do you do with it?
I can I can dive into the despair of it or I can do the next thing that's going to be good for me.
So I can say okay well, let's do a gratitude list of all the things that I have accomplished, that I did get.
Or maybe this is a moment to honestly say all right well, you didn't get this because that person has significantly more experience than you, or whatever, or this or that.
And then what work could I do if I want to improve?
Yeah, I love that so much.
It's sort of the instant practice, gratitude like name five characteristics about yourself that you love or five abilities that you have that you love.
I
Everybody has their secret sauce.
And I think about, you know, like, we have a unique fingerprint.
Nobody else in the world has it.
It is unique to you.
A friend of mine says, you were born an original person.
Why die a copy?
Oh, that's brilliant.
I love that.
And it's so true.
It's like I would so much rather be an original, a one of one.
You know, we're all a one of one.
And I think that it's important for us to remember that when we can acknowledge that we are that unique and special, we can really begin to unlock our potential and get to a deeper state of connection with ourselves.
To bring it back to Mick, I feel like gentler to yourself.
You could hear it in the question and in the way.
If you can be kinder and gentler to yourself, because as far as I'm concerned, as a gal who does not run, you're doing great.
And I don't speak a second language and I would love to.
So it's like, you know, we're all in the soup of envy of each other.
True.
Thank you so much for your question, Mick.
Like, if you didn't already think it, Rosie and I think you're doing fantastic.
Okay, we'll be right back.
All right, and here is our next question.
Hello, my name is Frauke.
I am from the Netherlands.
Sometimes I can have a very hard time letting go of things that are material, especially when they hold a lot of memories for me.
For example...
An old pillowcase that is worn and has ripped that I've had for a very long time.
When I try to throw these things out, it can make me very anxious or even panicky, and sometimes also ashamed.
I don't wish to attach myself to material things, and I also want to have a clean and organized home without hoarding onto broken and old stuff.
Do you have any advice on how to mindfully let go of material things that matter?
Thank you.
Well, thank you for your question, Frauke.
This is such a hard question because it's like on the surface I think it can seem like well, just throw things out.
But I think that there's a lot of fear and a lot of things attached to the things.
And I know that from my understanding is that it can be a really scary place for some people.
So I just applaud you for for reaching out and asking your question just to start.
Frauke, that I mean I can totally empathize with you and I totally understand not wanting to be a hoarder and also wanting to hold on to things that are very special to you.
I didn't grow up having a lot of things.
My mom was of anti hoarder to a point where she would throw away things that I wish.
Now I had like my first backpack with all my punk rock patches on there, like my misfits patch and my, you know, like all my friends had signed it.
It was just like a really nasty old beat up backpack that I had forever.
And when I moved out, she ended up throwing it away.
And that's the one thing that I even dream about it sometimes.
Okay.
I mean, that's how attached I was to this thing.
The way that she saw it was you don't ever want anything to have that big of an emotional pull on you, which I thought was kind of random.
But As I got older I found that it was quite easy for me to let go of things, to not have any emotional attachment to things.
Sure, there's a handful of things that I still have from when I was that age.
But for the most part, I pretty much let things go.
And I did feel a sense of openness and a sense of relief, if that makes any sense.
I know that there are certain things, for example, I have this old vintage.
It was my uncle's from like the 80s.
It's an old beat up Led Zeppelin t-shirt that I've had and I thought I lost once and I was devastated, like hysterically crying, just really just upset, over not being able to find this t-shirt that I've had since I was 13 years old, because that's when it was passed down to me.
And I just remember really mourning the sort of attachment to it.
And upon further examination, I'm like, what is it exactly that I'm holding on to here?
Is it a feeling?
Is it... an experience.
Is it the nostalgia?
And to me, it represented a time in my life where things were good.
Yeah.
You know, when when my life was prior to any big traumatic things happening.
And it just reminded me of a time where I was just happy.
And so that's what that t-shirt represented.
Now I ended up finding it a couple of months later.
It was in like this random box because we had moved and And I found it and I was so happy.
But it was just there was a different charge to it.
Yeah.
At that point, once I had sort of mourned the loss of it.
Now it's like I have it before I would never even think about wearing it.
I'm like, no, it's too vintage.
It's too old.
Like it's ripped.
If I wash it, you know.
I was very precious about it.
And now, like, I wear it, I'll throw it on the floor.
Like, you know, it's building more character, but I actually use it.
So my thinking on material things, Frauke, is I do the Marie Kondo method.
Does it bring me joy?
If I hold it up and I feel neutral about it, then I know I have to get rid of it.
If I hold it up and I'm instantly happy and it brings me joy, then I know to keep it.
And here's the other thing too.
I understand not wanting to be a hoarder, but if something brings you that joy let's say you have a whole room and it's like everything is bringing you joy.
If you have the space for it, what is the rush of getting rid of stuff?
You know what I mean?
I just feel like I'm a big fan of a spring cleaning once a year.
We go through everything.
We sort of, you know, see what we need, what we don't need.
And fortunately both Tori and I are minimalist, so we don't really like to have a lot of things and clutter.
But we do have those things that we've had since childhood, you know, and I think it's really important to be able to sometimes keep that.
And I guess my point is, Know why you're attached to the thing that you're attached to.
Yes.
That's really ultimately what is going to help guide your decisions in the future.
I'm thinking of this almost like in an opposite way because, much like you and Tori, like We're minimalists.
I don't like things in the house, but often it's because we live in a small footprint.
It's a New York City apartment, so it's small compared to a house, say.
Any bit of stuff everywhere makes chaos, and then that makes me feel anxious.
But I can't go through my house and just throw everything out because I'm anxious.
I can do things to find a place for things.
I can make sure we pick up more often.
But the reason that I bring that up is to say, in hoarding behaviors there's an attachment to something.
There's a feeling that's connected to the things.
My understanding is it's often an anxiety that's connected to the thing of throwing it out.
And so I don't know that that's work that you can or should try to do on your own.
I assume that there is work that you can do on your own, like probably journaling or asking yourselves questions.
But like seeing a therapist where you can kind of break down what is that fear that's connected?
Because Frauke mentioned a torn old pillowcase earlier.
So it doesn't necessarily have, at least in the way that she presented it to us.
With the limited information that we have, it doesn't represent some relationship to a family member or a time and space.
It's just a thing that's been there, that's comforted her in some way and been with her for a long time.
And so having someone to talk to to try to break down what that relationship is and why letting it go makes you feel anxious.
And being able to talk that through, because I feel like that'd probably be really difficult to do on your own.
It's hard, right?
Because you can think of a pillowcase and I don't know, maybe it doesn't have, maybe it's just sort of the idea of getting rid of something this sort of scarcity mindset that we sometimes can have, especially if we don't grow up with anything.
You know, it's like you know, we've talked about this with regard to money before, right.
Where it's this sort of scarcity mindset where we think oh, I'm not going to have enough, or I have a dear person.
I'm not going to say who it is, but there is a person in my immediate family that is a hoarder.
And it is very apparent that the hoarding has gotten out of control.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm going to take these back with me.
And it's like, you don't have any space.
Yeah.
And also, what are you going to do with it?
You know, but I've seen what happens when this person is confronted to get rid of things.
And it is so anxiety producing.
Yes.
So like to a point where you're sort of taken aback by it.
And to me, I'm like, that's a deeper issue that definitely requires professional support, you know?
Yeah.
Because I think that at that point, there's something else there.
It's not just. the thing.
It's the sort of reasoning, the logic behind the accumulation of the things.
Yes.
So yeah, I always think it's fitting to be able to try and assess the situation.
If you can't figure it out, it's always a good idea to talk to somebody about it.
I mean, we're really grateful that you're asking us because...
Robin and I love to give our two cents on everything.
And I think it's really great.
I also feel like your ability to recognize that This might be an issue for you and you.
You have a desire to not have the attachment to material things.
I think you're already on a really great path to really discovering what you need and what you have right.
Like what you have might not be everything that you need.
You might just need half of what you have, right?
So it's really good to be able to do some self-reflection and ask yourself the whys.
Yeah, I agree, because it just because it can be chronic and it can be progressive.
You know, you often see people as they get older, they have tendencies and then it kind of it can go bigger.
That's why I think it's a good idea to really try to work with someone to find out what's underneath it.
You know, perfectionism. procrastination, like what kinds of things are in there.
And I'm not suggesting Frauke, that any of these are what you're experiencing, just saying in general.
It can get worse.
So I do think it's important to make those connections.
And like, it's great to have a mindfulness practice, And it's great to have all that.
But I think sometimes we just need more support.
And I think it's important to know when you're at that moment.
I agree 100%.
And I think that mindfulness actually helps you arrive to that conclusion.
It helps you realize that, oh, wow, I've not been able to come up with a solution on my own.
Maybe it's time to ask for some more support.
Absolutely.
Well, and I do want to say that for folks with who have hoarding behaviors, there's a distress that can come along with them and they can really cause a lot of suffering and it can get in the way of daily life.
And so in those cases, if you happen to be if you find yourself in that space.
It's important to reach out to a mental health or a medical provider for help.
And there's going to be some resources in the show notes for anyone where this is sounding familiar or this is an issue that you might be facing.
But to you, Frauke, thank you so much for asking this question.
I really do think that it is just.
It's so brave to reach out and to ask for help and to ask for these questions.
So I think it's wonderful that you're reaching out and good luck.
We hope that everything works out all right.
Yeah.
All right, Rosie.
Well, we did it again.
And well, actually, you did it again.
Fabulous advice on all fronts.
I truly I learned something new every time I sit with one of you teachers.
And I mean, I guess that is the reason that you're teachers.
And I am not.
I mean, this is what I live for.
I love answering questions and I love talking to people that are in the world, having real life experiences.
It's always such a privilege and an honor to be able to do this and to do it with you.
And I want to say thank you to our listeners who sent us these questions this week.
We had Em and Mick and Frauke.
Thank you so much for trusting us with your questions.
And if you have a question that you would love to get one of our wise teachers to answer, all you have to do is go to sayhichat slash Dear Headspace to record your question.
And of course, that link it's in the show notes.
And if we use your question in the show, you are going to get three months of headspace for free, which I think is a great deal.
Yes.
Send us all of your questions.
So now is that time for our little transition we built in.
So there's going to be a little bit of time for you to digest everything that you just heard and experienced while listening to this episode.
It's time to help you transition into the next thing in your day.
So, as you listen to the sounds of a babbling brook, feel free to let your mind do whatever it wants to do.
So till next time, stay happy, stay healthy, and be kind to each other.
Dear Headspace is a Headspace Studios original podcast.
It's produced by Robin Hopkins, Ash Jones, and Scott Sorenson.
It's executive produced by Morgan Selzer, Sarah Cohn, Barron Farmer, and Danny Krissamy.
Our production coordinator is Taylor Jennings-Brown.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins, Kesunga Giscombe, Dora Kamau, Samantha Snowden, Eve Lewis Prieto and Rosie Acosta.
Post-production is by Dan Kroll.
Music is by Scott Sorensen and Chris Mergia.
And a special thanks to Colleen Lutz.
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