Conan O'Brien needs a fan.
Want to talk to Conan?
Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan.
Okay, let's get started.
Hey Noah, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan.
Hey Noah, how are you?
I'm doing very well.
How are you doing?
I'm doing great.
First things first, I understand you're in Massachusetts.
Where are you?
I'm from said area as well.
Whereabouts?
So I was born and raised in Shrewsbury, which is just outside of Worcester.
But right now I live in Woburn with my husband.
Oh, okay.
Very good.
All right.
I hail from Brookline, so I know these areas well.
And all my family is from Worcester originally, so I know Shrewsbury as well.
So I just wanted to make sure that we were super boring up front.
And we were.
Now, do you ever take Route 9?
Do you ever use Route 9?
We might have to hijack this.
Yeah.
All right.
No, I'm moving on from that now.
And I'm getting to a more fruitful area.
There's a Volvo dealership.
No.
Okay.
It's Mazda now.
It's Mazda.
Okay.
Mazda.
Very good.
Noah.
We now know, I know exactly where you live and there will be no more questions, except for in a few minutes, about the Boston area.
I want to ask you what you do for a living.
Let's talk about that.
Yeah, for sure.
I am a condom size specialist for a condom company.
Oh, here we go.
Okay.
Here we go.
Are you hiring?
Oh.
Excuse me.
I'm going to get us right to the next.
When you say Shrewsbury...
Do you mean hiring?
I think you probably took it in a better direction.
Am I saying this right?
You you work for a company in penis size analytics.
Yes.
Yeah.
I mean, I would say half my job is talking penis size.
The other half is analyzing penis size.
Which do you prefer?
Surprisingly, the analytics part.
I'd rather stare at a graph than some of the pictures.
Isn't it great when your hobby turns into a job?
Yeah.
That's just the greatest thing in life.
You know?
I mean, I've been obsessed with penises for 10 years now, so.
It's just great, you know?
You do what you love, you never work a day.
Exactly, exactly.
Exactly.
Okay, let's get into this.
You're saying you work for a condom company.
Is that right?
Yes.
Do you want to name the company or is the company not to be known?
No, I'm happy to name it.
It's One Condom.
So if you've ever seen a condom with a round wrapper, that would be us.
Okay.
And you make a variety of sizes of condoms.
Is that correct?
How many sizes?
That's our bread and butter.
We have 52 different condom sizes.
What?
52?
I mean, I've always thought there's just hardly any size.
You know differences when you look at a condom.
No, you think of there being... Yeah, small, medium, and large.
Yeah.
And magnum.
Yeah.
Wow, Sona, you are, Sona's on fire.
And Mount Kilimanjaro.
Excuse me, I'll have the Mount Kilimanjaro, please.
No questions asked.
We'll need three guys to take it out to the car.
Do you want us to load it in the back of the station wagon?
I'd like white glove delivery, please.
It's like when you get a Christmas tree.
I brought some bungee cords.
Could you lash it to the roof?
Would you like a fresh cut?
All right.
Listen, you must be tired of this.
Yeah.
And listen, we want to be you probably thought, oh, there's gonna be a lot of jokes and stuff.
That's not the case in this interview.
We're going to really get serious.
This is a serious topic.
Penises, different sizes, and you must cater to the different sizes.
Now, tell me exactly 52 different sizes.
What is the range, say, from smallest to biggest?
For sure, I actually brought some visual aids for us.
Thank you.
All right, this is good.
Sodas, just look at her laser beam eyes.
So something we deal with a lot is we work in a lot of education.
So when people demonstrate how to put a condom on, a lot of times they have to just use like a dildo, like this
Okay.
All right.
Distracting.
It's not distracting to me because that's the actual color of my penis.
It is.
It is bright red and translucent.
It is bright red and translucent.
It's got a suction cup on the end as well.
It also detaches easily from my body and goes in my luggage when I travel.
So, so far, nothing you can show me is shocking.
That's like seeing an old friend.
All right, so tell us, yes, the range.
What's the range?
So now we've actually come out with a range of demonstrators to kind of because all these demonstrators were just that big fat juicy, whatever you get right there.
So now we have essentially, I'll start with our snuggest range, which I'll pop up right here.
So this is a little demonstrator.
Wait a minute.
Very nice, very cute.
Cute.
What's his name?
That thing's massive.
I call that thing jumbo.
Well, speaking of jumbo.
Six of mine fits into one of those.
Whoa.
Is that the biggest?
This is our biggest.
Okay.
We sell condoms to cover a bigger penis than this.
However, this is our biggest for demonstration purposes.
What is?
Have you ever had someone call you up and it's clearly like something medically has gone horribly wrong, meaning they have a penis that you know half of it's in the car still when they're talking to you.
Do you know what I mean?
Like it takes a right turn, a right angle turn or something?
It takes a turn.
Yeah, and then it takes another turn.
Yeah.
There's a couple of right angles in there.
Oh, we've had 90 degree bends.
We've had 90 to 40, anything in between.
So that's people that are trying to have sex with someone around a corner.
Essentially, yes.
Yeah, yeah.
And we have a condom for that, but we'll help them out.
Wow.
Wow.
Does it have a hinge on it?
One condoms.
We have a condom for that.
Wow.
Okay.
And also you have, I'm guessing, different textured condoms.
There's the ribbed condom.
Oh, yeah.
What's happening out there in condom technology that I would have missed out on?
That is a great question.
So the latest development in condom technology would be focusing on heat transfer.
So something we did recently is we made a condom using graphene, which is this kind of space age material that really helps with conductivity.
So essentially we bond the graphene to the latex so people feel more of their partner's body heat.
Oh, so this thing is emitting heat.
It's transmitting heat.
No, no, no, no.
It's transmitting heat from your body to your partner's body.
Oh, I thought it was like those mitten warmers where you can put a setting on it and, you know.
You make everything unsexy.
What are you talking about?
She was getting all worked up over here and then you just killed it.
I know, I was talking about like the body and you're like mittens.
It's like mittens.
Well, that's in my day.
That's what I used to call him.
I'd say, give me a second.
I got to put me mittens on.
I think I got to take the reins on them.
Okay.
Well, first of all, Sona, you're like a sommelier.
I'm getting a... You'd be a size 38.
I'm getting notes of oak.
Peach.
Getting a little peach in there.
Sona, why don't you tell us?
I want to make sure that you can speak from your experience.
Well, what I'm curious about and this is a real question, because it sounds like you're saying that the fit is very important
Is it because it could just like come off if it's the wrong size, or squeeze your little peepee or your big peepee if it's too little?
Like, what are the problems with the wrong size condoms?
I mean, I have my graphs ready.
I have my infographics right here by my side.
There's basically, what, five major issues, six major issues.
The big one is if the penis is smaller and we have a bigger condom on it, essentially the latex can get bunched up.
It can pull out like in the middle of the act.
That's a really common complaint.
But what really the main issue is, is width wise and girth wise on them.
That's too tight for people.
So if the condom is too tight, a lot of times that constricts blood flow, which means no erection, which means no sex.
So really it's.
It's covering the full penis and then making sure it's comfortable, because if it's not comfortable, how can you be expected to perform?
You know.
Do you bring that chart with you wherever you go?
Yeah, yeah.
Family dinners on the bus.
Yeah.
Well, everybody, happy Hanukkah.
Oh, hey, and check this out.
That's a good white elephant gift.
The chart?
Yeah.
Or the dildos?
Yeah, the chart.
Oh, okay.
That was a nickname.
So this is incredible.
This is something you've thought about a lot.
And you'd think I love the scientific angle that science is always coming up with new things.
Now, there were called rubbers many, many years ago.
Is that because they were initially made of rubber?
And now then they later were made of latex.
What's the history of the condom?
I mean, there's still we all of our condoms are made with natural rubber latex.
So it's still a rubber.
We still call them rubbers.
Not my favorite term.
It's not very sexy.
Thank you again for bringing it in a very unsexy direction.
So far I've said, so it's like a mitten.
And I've also said, tell us about the history of condoms.
Of rubbers.
I know.
Of rubbers.
So I have, I might be the worst person to talk about this.
Sona, again, you take over.
Sona, take it, please.
Just take it.
And I'm admitting I should just step away.
Let's say I'm a dude and I want to get the right size for my dick.
Yeah.
For my dick.
Yeah.
Do I send you a picture and you're like, here's what you need.
Yeah, how do you know?
But you have to put it next to a ruler?
How do you do that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You need scale.
A quarter has to be in there.
Yeah, what do we do?
Yeah, exactly.
How do we do it?
This is a good question.
How does one measure so that they can order effectively?
So actually we created our very own penis measuring tool right here to measure both girths in this fashion and length in this fashion.
That looks like something that would come in a Happy Meal.
Yes.
Or like testing your pool water.
Yeah, yeah.
But doesn't it look like a BH?
Oh wow, this is a great burger.
Oh look!
So essentially, we will ship these out.
We offer samplers.
So people, because we have so many sizes, if you buy the wrong one.
We want to make sure people get set up correctly.
And are they supposed to measure when they're fully, I'll use the term, engorged?
Is that when they're supposed to use it for the measuring?
Full engorgement, as engorged as possible.
Okay, so you really better be watching something good.
Oh, yeah.
Like an early Manix.
You've never met a woman.
I know.
I was like, or with someone who can get you engorged.
You're just talking about watching something?
Yeah, it's got to be a show from the 60s.
It's got to be a detective show.
Probably saying there's your Manix.
There's some hot ladies in those shows.
Yeah.
What about making a mold of your penis?
Oh, my God.
This is something that I've been experimenting with for a number of years.
Experimenting with but never achieving?
What do you mean?
No, I make them.
Okay.
It's a little bit of a hobby.
Hey, we all have hobbies.
I don't laugh at your hobbies, Sona.
I like to make a mold of my penis and then turn it into a volcano, a little model volcano.
It's fun.
Oh.
Is that just me?
I thought everyone did that.
Eduardo, you've made some penis molds and turned them into volcanoes.
I don't do that.
Yeah.
It's really fun.
You put little kind of trees and shrubs and put a little village at the base.
Oh, there it goes.
I apologize.
Hold on, hold on.
I think I broke it.
Your penis, because I know that voice is your penis.
Is a volcano, talking in third person about itself erupting?
Yeah.
Here I go.
I'm a volcano.
You know when someone has a really lame costume and they just basically say, I'm a witch.
But I'm also assuming it's erupting out its mouth, so how is it speaking?
First of all, it's like a ventriloquist, so it can drink a glass of water and speak at the same time.
My penis often tours with a little dummy.
And it can drink a glass of water or shoot lava as it's having the dummy say funny stuff.
Anyway, again, this isn't where I thought this would go.
Oh, my God.
Back to Shrewsbury.
Oh, boo!
They have a good mall there.
Yes, please.
Man.
Okay.
So, when people call you for advice...
Are they very forthcoming about their penis?
Are they comfortable talking about the size of their penis?
It's a lot of hushed tones.
A lot of.
I'm able to tell that they're either in the bathroom at work taking the call or sneaking off into a corner.
They just took it with a bunch of people there.
Hold on a second, gang.
What's that?
No, no, no.
It needs to be really small.
All right.
No, no, I'm off the chart small.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's fine.
That's fine right there.
Yeah.
More potato salad on my plate.
Thank you.
Wait, I'm confused.
Do you have like a hotline?
How is this call being facilitated?
You do?
Yeah, one condom hotline.
Wow.
Yeah, I'm the size specialist.
I am the resident size specialist.
Oh, this is amazing.
Okay.
When someone's telling you do you find that people lie, even though it might hurt their chances of getting the right product.
Do people, they get on the phone with you and they lie.
The way people lie to their doctor all the time when they say how many drinks do you have in a week?
They tend to shave off a bunch of drinks and they should be honest with their doctor, because you're talking about their health, but they still lie.
Do you find that people call you up and they add a couple of inches?
Do you go by inches or are you on the metric system?
Back and forth.
Our customers prefer Imperial and I like Metric.
It's just a lot simpler.
I like Metric because it's a bigger number.
Yeah, exactly.
It's just so great.
You know, I use millimeters just because it's... I got nine millimeters coming your way.
Nine millimeters?
That's like a pencil eraser.
I got the big nine millimeter coming your way, baby.
17 nanometers of meat.
I've got 144 quintometers.
No, you get that throw around some big numbers.
I can point seven grams of fish food.
I just came from Davos, Switzerland, and I'm back in 75.
That's a heck of meters.
OK, listen, I'm being stupid and I apologize.
But people lie to you.
Yes.
I mean, I'll get a lot of that.
You know, I have a friend or such and such.
A lot of people I think the go to is they'll say on a good day, it's this many inches on a bad day.
It's this many inches.
Whereas the good day is like a dream, essentially.
It's kind of feeling down at the moment.
It just had a bad day on the stock market.
Talking off the ledge.
I went too hard into crypto.
That's the dick talking again?
I lost 9.9 centimeters.
So, yeah, that's crazy.
But you can tell when they're lying.
Oh, yeah, I can almost the first word out of their mouth.
I can basically guess what size they need and whether or not they're telling the truth.
I was going to ask you if big dick energy is an actual thing.
And then if you like talk to someone on the phone, you're like, oh, yeah, this is a big one.
Earl, he's got a little one.
That's OK.
First of all, can women tell, just by like big dick energy, i mean, i think there's a reason the term exists you can tell that someone's like comfortable with themselves.
Right right, right.
They know they're not going to tip over in a high wind.
You know, oh my god, like it's a, it's a tripod.
You're saying they're going to be supported.
Yeah, i think i think i'm quite confident in this high wind i shall not fall.
Oh my god, i Well anyway, so you can tell.
Do you ever walk around like a guy doing a party trick and just call out people's number?
Oh, my God.
Yeah, just like this.
Oh, yeah, you can put on like the old Parson Karnak hat, you know.
Oh, yeah.
Wow.
So, well, Sona, you say you can tell.
Well, I but he he's obviously way more educated in this field.
He's an expert in this field.
I'm curious if, like when people call and you can tell that they're like bigger or smaller, you could just tell by their voice and the way they're talking and stuff.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, like there's a lot of Southern draws on bigger guys.
There's a lot of people driving bulldozers, people driving semi-trucks as they're talking to me.
That's crazy because I drove a Peterbilt in here the day.
And I'll tell you what, it was hard to get through the door sometimes.
Shit, man.
Well, I got here quite speedily in my Yugo.
It's a two-cylinder engine.
It runs on bubble bath soap.
My car is in my briefcase as I speak.
Oh, God.
You see me driving along.
Oh, man, that was fun.
Anyway, look, I can joke because I'm quite happy with my situation.
The lady, and I do mean lady, don't protest too much.
I think so.
What are you talking about?
Hey, I got something crazy.
My first experience with condoms was making blood packs, squibs.
Do you guys ever have, because that's what they use for blood packs in movies.
Do you ever have movies reach out to you?
Why are you crying?
Because I realize, you know what I love?
I love that I was the guy who was taking this in an unsexy direction.
And then Professor Nertz comes over here.
I stand by it.
Did you know that it's made of a condom?
Do you know I didn't go to my eighth grade graduation dance because I figured out how to make blood pack squibs.
That's BDE for you right there.
You don't have to answer that one.
That's a terrible question.
You know what?
You can answer off air.
Yeah, sure.
Because I know you're going to want to.
Hey, what do you think is the next?
What's the next advance in condoms?
What do you think's coming up?
I know there's the heat transfer, but let's look like 10 years in the future.
Pop rocks.
Will we even be?
Yeah, exactly.
Pop rocks.
Something where, when you ejaculate, it triggers various like fireworks and stuff to stimulate both man and woman and man and man, or woman and woman, or man and woman, or the condom.
Or the condom version of a Viagra pill where you put the condom on and it helps you.
What about that?
That's a great idea.
Yeah.
That is a common request.
We get that very often as a condom with that built into it.
Wow.
Topical solution, yeah.
Wow.
Does that exist?
I would say they have like, I think you can like rub it on your hand like gels and creams.
I don't know if they work.
That's not something that we get into.
Wow.
Well, I think Sona should be working for you.
Yes.
Because she's having great ideas left and right.
I think Matt and I should have nothing to do with this business.
No, I would agree.
Yeah, I think that's fair.
Well, did you have a question for me?
I'm an open book and sometimes our people that call in have questions.
You may not.
Yeah, I was I wanted to know, do you think that size matters in general?
Whoa.
Well, that would be a question, I think, for the ladies.
Don't you think?
I mean, I'm a big proponent of what you do with what you've got.
It seems like size matters more to the man.
I think so.
I think it is.
I think it does.
It seems like guys are more invested in that than girls are.
I don't know.
I mean, it's not like we're like, is it big enough?
Let's pull out a ruler and just check your girth and your size.
It's just you're in it.
You're in it.
You know, man, you're just in it.
Yeah.
I think all our licenses have been revoked for erotic conversations today.
So we've learned that.
Yeah, I mean, you know, I don't know about these matters.
I'm famously out of touch with my own body and I very tightly wound and repressed.
Sure.
So I shouldn't even be speaking to you right now.
In fact, I passed out a while ago.
This is an AI Conan taking over.
This is an AI Conan took over.
And the real Conan is at, uh, was it a hospital?
He said a UCLA facility is being worked on right now.
They're trying to resuscitate him.
I do feel like we could do an hour with you, Noah.
Yeah, we really could.
You're a lot of fun to talk to.
And it's a very, but guess what?
Like so many things.
Yes.
There's a lot of jokes to be made and we've all had our fun tee hee hee, but you're helping people.
And, uh, I was going to say you're doing the Lord's work.
I don't think that's the right thing to say.
He is in many ways.
Oh, it's the opposite.
I mean, well, the Lord makes the pee-pees and he's helping the pee-pees.
Why do you keep calling him pee-pee?
He's shutting off the tap.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
But you're looking at it from like, oh, that's the only reason you do it.
When, you know, you can do it for other things.
No, no.
You have to shut off the tap.
It cannot be for pleasure.
What?
Conan?
Conan?
No.
Sure I can.
It's only procreation.
Oh, boy.
Okay.
This is a two-timers club over here.
I've had sex twice.
Bingo both times.
Two timers club.
Oh, my God.
Well, listen, Noah, seriously, you are helping people.
And it's a very and you know what?
I've always found, no matter what someone does, if they take it seriously and they're really knowledgeable about it.
It's fascinating.
It really is.
And so now back to Shrewsbury.
Oh, my God.
OK, that's all the time we got for today.
Would you say there, Noah?
I said I can do an hour on Shrewsbury easy.
Yeah, I think that would have been even more sensual.
Actually, we had done that.
If you've been to Shrewsbury, you know what I'm talking about.
Noah, so cool to talk to you.
And thanks so much for reaching out to us.
That's very cool.
A pleasure.
Thank you for having me.
It's so nice to meet you all.
Nice to meet you too.
What a lovely fellow.
I know.
Thank you, Noah.
Conan O'Brien needs a fan.
With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley.
Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao.
Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy.
Supervising Producer, Aaron Blair.
Associate Talent Producer, Jennifer Samples.
Associate Producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Byrne.
Engineering by Eduardo Perez.
Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan.
Please rate, review and subscribe to.
Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
