These are my personal opinions.
Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well-being.
Do you love your caretakers?
Do you love the people that took care of you growing up?
Whether it be your parents, adoptive parents, uncle, aunt, sister, brother.
I remember growing up and having...
My older sister act like more of a mom than my mom did, and that's not a slight against my mom.
It's not something bad I'm saying about my mom.
It's that basically her entire existence, when my stepfather was home was to make sure that he didn't get angry and he didn't become violent.
So her existence in the house, from what I recall from my upbringing, was her being the buffer between us kids and the alcoholic in the house, because she did not want to incite his behavior.
And when he drank, his behavior got worse.
So she would become more accommodating.
She would become more people pleasing and adapting to what needed to be, or she believed needed to be done, and how she needed to act in order for him not to become dangerous.
So that's what her primary role was with us kids growing up.
My sisters and my brother and All of us kids were in this household with a dangerous man.
And so my mom's primary role was to keep that dangerous person calm, keep him balanced as balanced as she could, and keep us safe.
So when I say that my oldest sister acted like a mother more than my mother did, that's what I mean.
And again, that's not a slight on my mom.
It is more of a definition of a role.
My mom couldn't be there in more of a nurturing and motherly way, the way my sister showed up for me.
And at the same time, she, you know, my sister wasn't always there and my mom wasn't always there.
So I became a loner.
I became a very independent person and I would sometimes walk for miles at 10 years old, going to the donut store, the bowling alley, doing things that I wanted to do as a kid.
I don't think I had a bike or something, but I walked for a long time.
Something that we don't want our 10-year-old children to do.
Walking by themselves.
In this day and age, we don't want children to walk by themselves because we don't know what will happen to them.
Things aren't always safe, so we need to not allow that.
But back then in the 70s, just around like 78, 79, I would have all this time to myself.
If that doesn't lead to introversion, I don't know what does.
So I became an introvert.
I appreciated being alone because it was safe.
It was how I sought happiness.
It was how I sought comfort.
It was how I felt comfortable.
In the world, showing up in the world without the need for other people.
And just like your childhood, you did things that created who you became or were becoming.
And your environment and the people in your environment shaped you into who you are today.
Well, here we are.
We're adults now.
And now we have this past to deal with or to think about, or to reflect upon, or maybe not think about.
But the past certainly shaped who we are today.
This is a good thing and a not so good thing depending on how your life is going today.
It's not such a good thing when your life isn't going that great and you are still carrying around some emotional wounds and some old baggage from the past.
But if you heal from that old baggage and those old emotional wounds, then you can become even more than you would have been without, without what happened in the past.
So I look at my past as something that traumatized me, shaped me and conditioned me.
And I learned from.
I learned how to survive and, And then later on, as I ruined relationships and got results I didn't want, because of the person that I should have been, but chose not to be.
I was getting outcomes I didn't want and I decided that I needed to look at that within myself.
I needed to reflect on my past and visit what shaped me for my present, for my future.
But it took a lot of failures.
It took a lot of relationships ending.
It took a lot of getting what I don't want in my life in order for me to finally admit that my past shaped me and that I was not necessarily in control because I was letting, let's just say, the inner child run my life, my own child version of me.
I let that inner child run my life, most of my life, and then I question why I was so unhappy.
Why did these things keep happening?
Why did I keep failing at relationships?
Why couldn't I keep a job more than four years?
Why couldn't I succeed here and there?
Why was I always living on the edge of failure? being happy or being depressed.
It was like a fence.
I was always on one side or the other.
And I didn't like that feeling.
And I wanted to change that about myself.
Just like a lot of people listening now.
Maybe you probably don't like some feeling inside of you and maybe need to step into some humility or humbleness.
And choose to be humble enough to say, maybe I don't know everything.
Maybe I don't know enough.
Maybe I walk around thinking I'm right, but I'm not right.
Maybe there are many things that I'm not right about.
I remember when I was married, my ex-wife, she separated.
She went to another state and lived with her mom for a while.
And during that time, while we were separated, I finally had some time to think about why the marriage wasn't going well.
And also what came up for me during that time of reflection was my past relationships.
And I realized everyone in my life, except maybe one person from high school, left me.
Everyone left me.
Why is that?
Why is everyone leaving me?
That was the question I came up with.
And I said, if that's the case, maybe I'm the source of the problem.
And that took a lot of humility.
That took me taking my ego down several notches for me to admit that maybe I'm the source of the problem.
Because I had always believed that I was a great catch.
I was Mr. Wonderful.
I was a great guy in all ways.
There were some narcissistic tendencies, yes.
I thought that was me.
I had no reason to think otherwise.
I just.
This is what I came to believe, because there was so much dysfunction growing up and I had committed to never be that dysfunctional.
I chose never to drink.
I chose never to smoke.
I chose never to have drugs in my life or in my body.
But that also made me highly judgmental about other people.
So growing up I had all these critical thoughts about people who did that stuff, until I was able to heal and stop judging others and start focusing on myself.
As soon as I started focusing on myself, I realized I don't know everything.
I'm not right about everything.
In fact and this is when I started to take on this belief I choose to let go of my attachment to being right.
I read that somewhere and it stuck with me.
And I'm glad it did.
Because...
Letting go of your attachment to being right frees you for healing.
It frees you for learning and growth.
It frees you from a closed mind that might be preventing you from moving on to the next level in your life, whatever that level is.
For me, I needed more emotional intelligence.
I needed more interpersonal relationship skills and romantic relationship skills.
I needed to learn how to love others and support others.
And especially and probably top priority should be learning to accept others as they are.
And that's hard because some people are jerks.
Some people are hard to accept.
And some people I refused to accept.
It doesn't mean I want them in my life.
It doesn't mean...
I'm going to love them because I don't believe that I need to love these people, the people that really turn me off or are against my own values and morals.
And if they're doing things, or have done things, that are against me, what I believe in to be good and true, and they're doing bad things that I believe are bad and such, why should I accept them?
It's not a matter of accepting them into your life.
It's a matter of accepting who they are.
And this really comes down to what I started to talk about with my upbringing and your upbringing and how we were raised.
Sometimes we have people in our present, especially family, that in the past they were who they were and that made us who we are, or at least that contributed to who we are.
And they were difficult.
Maybe we were difficult too, but they were difficult.
Maybe they were toxic.
Maybe they were abusive.
And then we grow up and we might think well, now that I'm away from them, because I've left the house and I don't talk to them as much, or whatever, things will get better.
Or maybe you don't think that.
But those people still might be the same.
They haven't changed or they may not have changed at all.
And if they haven't changed, they are probably still the a negative influence in your life, a toxic person in your life.
But can you choose to accept that's how they are and that's who they are, so that you can move forward?
Because sometimes these people in our life...
They keep us where we are, or even cause us to regress into a younger version of ourselves, that inner child that might be running the show.
Because when they're around, who responds?
Do we respond as the responsible mature adult that is taking care of ourselves and our loved ones and will stand up for ourselves and our loved ones?
Or are we responding from the child state that these people have always known us to be, because we've never shown them that we have evolved or grown into a new version of ourselves?
And instead of showing them this new version of ourselves, we show them the person we've always been to them.
Even though inside and with other people we may be showing up a lot differently, a lot more mature in our behaviors.
And mature is not the right word, but I like evolved.
You may not like, I don't know.
I like evolved.
I like to evolve from who I used to be, from the way I used to react, from how I used to behave, how I used to respond to those who want to treat me the way I used to be.
Fortunately, I'm very lucky to have a family that, as I changed and I was no longer responding from my old people-pleasing and dysfunctional and insecure self.
As I matured in those ways and I was able to heal a lot of those dysfunctions, they accepted me even more.
And so my family, most of everyone in my family, is not toxic thankfully, but we were all around.
This toxic element, AKA my stepfather and his presence, caused us to behave differently.
And we all left the home with these dysfunctions that um They manifested into different things in our life.
They manifested into all these types of dysfunctions that we carried with us, until some of us looked inward and figured that out.
And I think most of my family has done that.
I think some are still suffering in some ways because they do have some unhealed trauma and they are still perhaps reacting from that inner child place.
And I'm not saying that I'm perfect.
I'm not saying that it doesn't happen to me too.
It does.
But I do believe that some of my family is still working on that.
And that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them.
Just like if you are responding from that inner child, just like you would have responded as a child.
That's basically what I'm talking about.
How would you respond to a toxic person, a difficult person today?
Would you respond from someone who has boundaries and values and beliefs and is okay standing up for those things or not walking away from those who won't accept you as you are?
Because if you're that person, that is somebody who has grown in to feel comfortable in their own skin and is okay walking around like that, not afraid to.
Shake things up with people not that you do it intentionally but they may not be able to accept you as you are.
They are only used to you being who you were, which they may have been more comfortable with, because who you were complimented who they are.
So if they have been a controlling person or toxic person in your life, if you have changed, it's hard for them to be that way.
At least with you.
They may find other people to be that way with, but with you it may be hard for them to be that way.
And this is what I have learned in my life is that the more I have honored myself and forced my boundaries, walked away from people who are toxic like hey, if you don't stop disrespecting me, I'm walking away.
And instead of getting into an argument, just walking away because I choose to be respected.
I'm going to respect you.
I choose to have the same in return.
And if they choose not to do that and want to treat me the way they want to treat me, regardless of how I feel, then that won't be okay with me.
I will not comply.
I will walk away.
Or I will say something like, look, I won't accept that.
I can't accept that.
It's not nice.
It's not respectful.
So please stop.
I'm going to have a conversation like that.
I'm going to speak what my boundaries are and give them a chance to understand Grow up.
Give them a chance to evolve.
Because if they do reach a new level inside of them and they aren't acting the difficult or toxic way they used to act around me when we were younger, then maybe we can both evolve into a new type of relationship.
One that isn't one who always gives and one who always takes, or one who always submits and the other who always controls.
Maybe the relationship can evolve into something that we both like or love and really care about and really look forward to.
I reconnected with one of my relatives probably in the last few years and it was heartfelt.
It was, we both cried because we never had the type of relationship.
That was close.
They went their way.
I went my way.
And I just never reached out because it was always difficult to communicate with this person.
And then I decided, you know what?
I want a relationship with this person.
I'm going to say, hey, let's connect.
I want to reconnect with you.
And it wasn't necessarily that person that was the problem.
It was me that was the problem, because I was afraid to show up as my true self, because I was afraid that they would be the person that I remembered, instead of giving them the opportunity to be the person and the relationship that I wanted.
And so I just decided to take a chance and say, I want you in my life in so many words.
And when I saw them again and there were many tears and many truths we reconnected in a way I never expected.
And I loved it.
And I really have a deep love for this person.
I'm so glad they're in my life again.
I kind of tear up thinking about it.
It was a wonderful, wonderful reunion that wasn't what it used to be.
The relationship we had wasn't what it used to be.
It became what I think we both truly wanted because I wasn't afraid to be myself around this person.
And I'm fully aware that it could have worked out differently, but I was willing to take that risk because I didn't want the relationship we had.
I wanted a relationship, I just didn't want the relationship we had.
And by being able to reconnect from this new place inside myself, feeling comfortable in my own skin, That brought the best version that I could bring at the time.
And I also think that helped that person open up and be vulnerable with me.
And we have a different relationship now and it's wonderful and I can call them anytime and connect with them and there's no weird feelings.
And I love that.
I love having no weird feelings or awkwardness because I chose to find a conclusion.
I mean, I sought the conclusion for this relationship and the conclusion was either going to be a new relationship, that from this new place in both of us, or a relationship that we couldn't quite agree on.
And if that were the case, at least I'd know and I could move on, and they could be who they are and I could be who I am, and I could accept them exactly as they are and maybe hope someday in the future it would change, and then we can get along, and And if we didn't, I would just have to accept that that is how it is.
And it would be painful, but I would have to accept.
And this is coming right back to where I started which are your caretakers, your parents or whoever acted like a parent to you growing up?
If you have any difficulty with those people, or even your siblings and other people in your childhood and your teenage years, if you have had difficulty with those people and you still do, first ask yourself am I showing up as the new version of me, okay with my boundaries, comfortable on my own skin, with my own values and beliefs?
Not that I have to shove those things down their throat, but if they were to cross any line I can say hey look, that's disrespectful.
Could you please not say that?
Could you please not do that?
And if they were to respond by honoring the boundaries that I put forth, that might actually create a new version of our relationship.
And this helps us step out of the inner child that might be reacting and making decisions for us.
And understanding that perhaps there could be a new relationship if we just attempt it.
If we just choose to show up as we may show up in front of a perfect stranger.
Because many people hopefully most of you everyone listening We'll be okay telling a perfect stranger hey, I don't like when you talk to me like that.
Could you please stop?
Hopefully you are in that space because when we can say that to a perfect stranger, then we might graduate to the next level and say that to family if we have to.
And if you can't say that to a perfect stranger and you can choose to walk away, that's also okay.
Or at least it could also be a sort of evolution in your response.
Your response in the past might have been I'll just cower down and look down and try not to cause trouble while they insult me or bully me or something like that.
Because if you now walk away from somebody who insults or bullies or whatever, instead of looking down and feeling powerless, then that is also an advancement in your thinking, in your behavior.
And you can see that as taking care of yourself.
I'm all about taking care of ourselves around those who don't care enough to treat us the way we deserve to be treated.
And that's why I'm also okay with telling people how we choose to be treated or how we want to be treated.
I would rather be treated like this.
I just want to have a nice conversation with you.
And they don't honor that, then expect more of the same.
And this is exactly the point I'm trying to make today, which is accept people who they are, as they are, as they show up in your life today, and if and when you are ready to find a conclusion of the relationship, whether that be something that's going to continue or end right here.
When you're ready to do that, show up as your authentic self and see how they treat you then.
Because that's when you learn if they're going to accept you as you are or they can only accept you as you were because it worked for them and not for you.
And that could be someone who used to be toxic or controlling, who want you to be submissive or want you to cower in fear, or whatever.
And when you don't do that anymore, who do they become?
Who are they?
Sometimes people change because you changed.
I'm not saying that will happen.
You might lose a relationship over this.
It could happen.
And if it does happen...
Then you have learned what will change and what won't change.
Because if you honor yourself and you show up as genuine and authentic to someone else and they don't honor that authentic self that you're showing them, they don't honor you, your genuine nature, the person that you've become, everything you've learned about yourself, the person you are feeling comfortable being, then keeping them in your life is like a lingering fear or sadness, or negative, some sort of negativity that follows you around.
Because you haven't closed the loop.
You haven't come to a conclusion about the relationship.
And I know this can be difficult with some people.
I mean, with them and you showing up as authentic who you are today.
It can be difficult for them and with them, because if they choose not to change who they are around you and they have been difficult or toxic and you've given them the chance to make a better impression and show up as a more evolved version of themselves, then you've done what you can to make the relationship as healthy as it can be.
And if they're not on board with it, there's really nothing you can do.
And this is when you tell yourself I have to accept where they are, who they are, and I can't look for anything more than that.
Because now I've given them the chance to show up in a healthier way in this relationship.
And I'm not making this a superiority thing.
I'm not saying that, hey, you're better than them, so they better shape up or ship out.
It's not that at all.
It's you choosing to be authentic and hoping that they are no longer working from scratch insecure or dysfunctional place or a toxic place, that they now have the opportunity to show up as authentic too, and maybe you both show up as authentic and are incompatible.
Maybe it just won't work out, but this is the risk of showing up as authentic is that you risk a relationship ending and Because you might find an incompatibility there.
They may be who they are and it's unpleasant to be around them.
And you may be who you are and maybe they don't like being around you.
So you may not be able to rekindle or reconcile anything there.
And so there's the risk.
You could lose somebody that you care about.
But you will no longer have any doubt in your mind that you did everything you could.
Or at least you went in the direction that you believed would at least tell you what this relationship was going to be going forward.
The flip side of that is, the risk can also be a reward, because you show up as your authentic self and then they show up as their authentic self.
And maybe there'll be tears, maybe there'll be hugs and maybe there'll be comments like why didn't we do this a lot sooner?
And then you might have something amazing.
You might have something very strong.
And that will be the beginning of what it maybe should have been all along, but you had to get there at one point.
You both have to go through your trials, your challenges, your healing, whatever it took for you to get here.
Some people won't learn.
Some people won't evolve.
Some people won't get to that point where you can have a relationship with them, which is why I bring up parents, because sometimes parents could be stuck in their own little world and believe that you should always be that little child, that they either can't see anything beyond the child or They can't see growth.
They can't see maturity.
They can't see more intelligence and more life experience.
And if they choose not to see that and they're showing up in a way that doesn't feel very good to you And I'm not saying that you should get rid of that relationship.
I'm saying that, if you're ready to find out where this relationship can go, you might be ready to step into this healthy new version of yourself, the one you've been working on for years, and find out how they respond to it.
And I'm not telling you to do this.
I'm saying that if you really want to know if this relationship, or any relationship in your life today, if you really want to know if it can evolve to some other level of being where you can actually enjoy time with them, that this is the step you might have to take.
If you don't want to take it and you're okay with any lingering negativity, meaning the sadness or the awkwardness or anything that you might feel regarding them when you think about them or when you think about spending time with them then you may not want to do this.
If you're okay walking around with that because you don't want to make any more trouble or rock the boat or anything like that.
But if you want to find out just how far this relationship can go or can evolve, can move into a new phase of connection, of love, of bond and all that, then you might have to take that step.
And when you take that step, it could go one way or the other.
So there's my warning.
My disclaimer is that if you do something like this, It could end badly and it could cause trouble, and they may not like that and you may not like that.
I personally want conclusions.
I want to close the loops in my life.
If there's a relationship that is lingering in my mind and I haven't found a conclusion for it, I want to get that conclusion.
I don't want these lingering negative thoughts or this awkwardness next time I talk to them or next time I see them.
I want to find out where this is going to go.
And that has helped shape the relationships in my life, the connections that I have, and take out any awkwardness, even though there might be relationships that don't work out well.
And the only person I can think of now has passed on.
So my stepfather is no longer in my life.
And so that isn't a relationship I need to test.
It's not something I wanted with him anyway.
But now that he's gone, I don't really have to think about it at all.
But I'd already moved on from that anyway.
So if there's anybody in your life that is still kind of a lingering negative thought or you're worried about reconnecting with them, maybe something I said today will be helpful.
Maybe it will help you find closure.
I do believe... in full acceptance of who they are showing up as today.
Because when you accept someone and this is kind of the point I was making earlier accepting them doesn't mean you accept their beliefs, their position, their values and even their behaviors.
It just means you accept inside yourself that they are who they are.
And when you choose to accept that, it frees you from trying to find anything more that isn't there or may not be there.
It's very helpful to say That person feels this way and they say these things about me and I accept that they will never change.
If you accept that, then if they do change, it's a cherry on top.
It's great.
But if they don't change, then you can say well, I'm glad I'm not trying to squeeze any more blood from this stone.
I'm glad I'm not trying to pull out any more behaviors or words from them, because I've now accepted that that's who they are.
This is like having a mom or a dad that you believe never loved you, or they're always so hurtful or hateful.
You just have to accept that that's who they are.
That's who they're being.
And there's nothing you can do about it.
So you're going to move on.
Or you can choose to be your genuine self around them and see what happens.
Thanks so much for listening to another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.
I want to thank Sandra and Anna and Debra and Tammy.
Thank you so much for your patronage, your contributions every month.
And Superha, you said amazing 2014 podcast about repressed emotions.
So, um, that was a long time ago.
She listened to a 10 year old episode and got something from it and said, Hey, uh, thank you.
And she chose to give back.
So I'm grateful for everyone who gives, thank you so much for your contributions to the show.
And I'm very grateful.
If you value the show like these patrons do and you want to give back, head over to moretobcom and there are options to do that over there.
Thank you, everyone.
And for a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship, listen to my other podcast called Love and Abuse over at loveandabusecom.
And if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship, you know the people I talked about today.
Join the program that is helping a lot of people heal because you don't want to stay difficult.
You want to create great relationships.
You don't want to be the source of the problem like I figured out that I was.
And I help you not be that source over at healedbeing.com.
And with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
And be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve.
You are powerful beyond measure.
And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you, you are amazing.
