Leonard, do you think I'm funny?
No.
Do you?
I think I'm hysterical.
I take it back.
That was funny.
The philosopher Henri Bergson says it's funny when a human being behaves like an object.
I bet that bit killed at the chuckle hut.
Oh, he didn't perform stand-up comedy.
He was a philosopher.
I think we're zeroing in on your problem.
Perhaps I'll spend some time developing a unified theory of comedy which will allow me to elicit laughter from anyone at any time.
Unless they're German, because that's a tough crowd.
Are you set on people laughing with you?
Because if you're cool without you...
When I feel stifled and want a change of scenery, I use my imagination.
Oh, boy.
One of my favorite places to visit is the two-dimensional world described in Edwin Abbott's mathematical fantasy Flatland.
I don't want to go to Flatland.
You're only saying that because you haven't been there.
I am now a hexagon in two-dimensional space and can only perceive the edges of other objects.
Boy.
Is that you, Raj?
I don't recognize your edge.
Sheldon, I'm begging you.
I want to go to this mixer, and I don't want to go alone.
Well, you're in luck.
There's a mixer here in Flatland.
Oh, look.
There's a sexually attractive line segment.
You should chat her up.
What?
Tell her you're a circle.
Flatland gals are all hot for circles.
We should have done this last night, you know?
Have a little wine, take the edge off.
Actually, ethyl alcohol inhibits electrical conduction in the nerve cells and stimulates reuptake receptors of inhibitory neurotransmitters like gamma-aminobutyric acid.
Don't talk.
Just drink.
What are we drinking now?
Peppermint schnapps.
Why would you buy peppermint schnapps?
Because I like peppermint, and it's fun to say schnapps.
Hey, Leonard.
What?
Schnapps.
Schnapps.
You're right.
That is fun.
Bzzz.
You hit me!
I'm bleeding!
What was that?
Sheldon tried to take the ring and I punched him.
That's my girl.
So Sheldon, how's it feel to get beaten up by a girl?
Greatest astrophysicist don't thank me, you earned it.
Howard walowitz, why not world's greatest engineer?
Oh, i'm sorry, i typed that into the label maker, but i just couldn't press enter.
Now down to business.
What would it take for you to abandon leonard and join me in a rival company unless, of course, the mugs are sufficient, in which case welcome aboard.
You're not quitting on Leonard.
I understand.
Your loyalty is admirable.
But what if I were to up the ante?
What are you talking about?
Monogrammed keychains with a built-in laser pointer?
No?
How about canned cozies emblazoned with our university mascot?
Go Beavers.
I'll be back.
Priya just made a snide comment about your acting career.
What the hell did she say?
She thinks it's cool you're following your dream no matter what.
That bitch!
How do you want to handle it?
Um okay, tell Bernadette to tell Priya that I'm on my way to Prague to shoot a movie with Angelina Jolie.
Is it gonna be in 3D?
What?
I don't know.
It doesn't matter.
I'm gonna say 3D.
That'll let her know the studio has faith in it.
You're kidding.
3D?
That's what I hear.
The studio must have real faith in it.
I wonder why she didn't tell me.
Have you been spending time with your ex-girlfriend?
Then why are you surprised she didn't tell you?
Well, it's not as much a surprise as, you know, the other thing.
What other thing?
If you, uh... I don't... What's the word I'm looking for?
I'm not going to help you.
This is hilarious.
Want to see if we can find the cafeteria and get real coffee?
Sure.
We're going to the cafeteria to get some coffee.
You want anything?
I'm fine.
It's nice that they're getting along.
Your girlfriend and your ex-girlfriend are hanging out together?
Well, yeah.
That can only be good for you.
What are you talking about?
One of them broke up with you.
Do you really want her telling the other one why?
I don't care.
I don't have anything to hide.
Good.
Good.
Then you have nothing to worry about.
No, I do not.
You are a mean little man.
You'd think it'd be because my parents didn't love me, but actually, they love me a great deal.
Oh, God, that is so true.
Yeah, I know, right?
Hey, what took you guys so long?
We were just chatting.
That's nice.
What about?
We were just comparing notes about how you are in the sack.
That's funny.
What if she wasn't kidding?
Doesn't matter.
I'm the king of foreplay.
Ice, ice, baby.
Oh, God, I feel ridiculous in this dress.
You look beautiful, Lieutenant Uhura.
Now prepare for inspection.
My brother's going to hear you, relax.
He's got headphones on and we're 10 miles above earth in a starship really 10 miles.
You're orbiting inside the atmosphere moron, i can't believe i'm wearing my brother's halloween costume.
I can't believe you think he only wears it on halloween.
Open the landing bay doors, shuttlecraft approaching oh, Hidden reality takes on a grand question.
Is our universe the only universe?
You see, there's a growing belief among scientists like me that ours may only be one among many universes populating a gigantic cosmos.
In the hidden reality.
I explore this possibility without presuming any knowledge of mathematics or physics on the part of the reader.
Hysterical.
I'm glad you talked me into this.
We work so hard.
Sometimes it's nice to goof off and do something silly.
Agreed.
Wait till you hear how he dumbs down Werner Heisenberg for the crowd.
You may actually believe you're in a comedy club.
You can think about Heisenberg's uncertainty principle much like the special order menu that you find in certain Chinese restaurant, where you have dishes in column A and other dishes in column B, And if you order the first dish in column A, you can't order the corresponding dish in column B.
That's sort of like the uncertainty principle.
Ba-dum-bum.
Consider this unlikely but very plausible scenario.
A young woman alone in the big city.
Her ridiculous dream of becoming an actress lies shattered about her.
Hey, wait a minute.
Hang on, let's see where he's going.
Then it hits her.
How is she going to survive?
She has no prospects, no marketable skills.
And then one day, she meets a group of geniuses and their friend Howard.
Hang on, let's see where he's going.
She befriends them and then lies in wait until they reveal a marketable idea, which she steals and sells to the highest bidder.
That is ridiculous.
Oh, is it?
Let's see you come up with an explanation as to why this woman hangs out with us all the time.
Okay, you know what?
I've already mooched dinner off you guys.
I don't need to listen to this.
What are you doing there?
Working on a new plan to catch the Roadrunner?
The humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote?
Yes.
And this is a schematic for a bird trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury.
Yes.
What I'm doing here is trying to determine when I'm going to die.
A lot of people are working on that research.
So what is all this?
My family history, factoring in longevity, propensity for disease, et cetera.
Interesting.
Cause of death for Uncle Carl was KBB.
What's KBB?
Killed by badger.
How's that?
It was Thanksgiving.
Uncle Carl said, I think there's a badger living in our chimney.
Hand me that flashlight.
Those were the last words he ever spoke to us.
Do you go on many dates?
I wouldn't say many.
A few.
What's... Your characterization of approximately 171 different men is a few.
Where did you get 171 men?
Simple extrapolation.
In the three years that I've known you, you were single for two.
During that time, I saw 17 different suitors.
If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias, and postulate an initial dating age of 15?
Whoa wait wait, wait.
I did not start dating at 15.
I'm sorry, 16?
14.
Now assuming the left side of a bell curve peeking around the present, that would bring the total up to 193 men.
Plus or minus eight men.
Remarkable.
Did you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?
No.
Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate, based on the number of awkward encounters I've had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she's returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before.
Okay, Sheldon, I think you've made your point.
So we multiply 193 minus 21 men before the loss of virginity.
So 172 times .18 gives us 30.96 sexual partners.
Let's round that up to 31.
Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong.
That is not even close to the real number.
I'm gonna need a drink over here.
She's the best fit for our little.
How shall we call it rebel alliance?
Oh, i never identified with the rebel alliance, despite their tendency to build death stars.
I've always been more of an empire man.
Yeah, not my point.
I know what your point is.
You're intimidated by amy's intellect.
To that i say buck up.
Okay, let me just get right to it.
Amy is judgmental, sanctimonious and frankly, Just obnoxious.
So?
So we already have you for all that.
Are you suggesting I terminate my relationship with Amy?
No, no, of course not.
Just have your relationship someplace else.
I don't think there's anything in this jewelry store that Amy would appreciate more than the humidifier we were just looking at at Sears.
Oh my God, now I know what I sound like to you when I say stupid stuff.
Ooh, a pocket watch.
Okay, I don't think Amy wants a pocket watch.
No, but maybe she wants a man with a pocket watch.
Still saying stupid stuff.
Ooh, she like bracelets?
Well, she's very fond of her silver one that says allergic to penicillin.
Maybe they have a dressier version of that.
Well, how are we doing this afternoon?
Are we looking for anything special?
Perhaps a ring for the lady?
Trust me, we are not a couple.
Excuse me?
I don't see why you get to snort derisively and point that out.
You'd be lucky to land a fellow like me.
Fine, go ahead.
Trust me, we are not a couple.
Good morning, handsome.
Morning, Mom.
It's me.
Yes, it is, and you're so pretty in the morning.
Your mom and I made you breakfast.
Oh, wow.
So you guys are getting along?
I guess.
We're very different people, Howard, so communication's a little tricky.
Does he like the pancakes?
He didn't try them yet!
It's butter-flavored syrup.
So, what's the word?
He wants butter!
It's butter-flavored syrup!
I just told him that!
I don't need any butter.
If you want butter, I'll get you butter.
I guess I'll cut these by myself.
You need to play with the transporter toy.
But it's mint in box.
Yes, and to open it would destroy its value.
Consider this.
What is the purpose of a toy?
To be played with.
Therefore, to not play with it would be... Illogical.
Damn it, Spock, you're right.
I'll do it.
Sheldon, wait.
You have to wake up first.
Of course.
Set phasers to dumb, right?
Goody, goody, goody.
This is wrong.
This is wrong.
I'm so excited, but this is wrong.
That's what I always thought 1975 smelled like.
One to beam down, Mr. Scott.
Aye aye, Mr. Spock.
Energize.
Energize.
Don't be broken.
Oh, please don't be broken.
What did you make me do?
Okay, okay.
Think.
It's only logical.
What do we start with?
Maybe splicing some genes?
Clone a sheep?
Perhaps grow a human ear on a mouse's back?
Ha-ha!
I'm a freak!
Well, I'm gonna be doing some brainstem histology while you put yourself on the business end of a sponge and wash those beakers.
Wash those... Oh, I get it.
A little hazing for the new fella.
Better keep an eye out for what shoe polish on the microscope for mad cow disease in my grilled cheese sandwich.
No, I just need those beakers washed.
Hippity hop, quick like a bunny.
Excuse me?
You have Dr. Sheldon Cooper in your lab.
You're going to make him do the dishes?
That's like asking the Incredible Hulk to open a pickle jar.
Sheldon, you've never worked in a lab like this before.
You have no experience in the field of biology.
I have plenty of experience in biology.
I bought a Tamagotchi in 1998.
And... it's still alive.
Let's do this.
Bernadette wants to get a prenup.
Oh, that's a shame.
He's gonna be devastated.
I never know what to do in these situations.
Should I give him a heads up?
Hmm.
I'm gonna give you the same advice I yell at the TV when the bachelor's handing out roses.
Follow your heart.
Check it out.
Look at the size of that Rice Krispie treat.
Same price.
Hey, Howard, I need to tell you something.
I know.
It's not on my wedding diet.
I don't care.
Listen, I heard that Bernadette's thinking about asking you for a pre-nup.
A pre-nup?
Wow.
What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
Follow your heart.
You know what?
It's not a big deal.
She makes more money than me.
She wants to protect her financial interests.
It's completely reasonable.
Good.
That's a healthy attitude.
Actually, it's good for both of us.
I have assets to protect, too.
Like what?
I've got some rare comic books.
The Vespas almost paid off.
And Ma and I have a primo double cemetery plot at Mount Sinai, right near the guy who played Mr Roper on Three's Company.
Mr. Roper's dead?
You can't just spring that on a guy.
Who do we love?
Penny.
Who do we love?
Benny.
Who do we love?
Benny.
Hello, Sheldon.
Come on in.
Thank you.
What's up?
I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me.
Date.
You and me.
Dining.
Dancing.
Perhaps you'd like to take in a prize fight?
God, are you trying to make Amy jealous?
No!
Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart?
And whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight.
Okay, listen to me.
Playing games is not gonna help get Amy back.
I am not trying to get her back.
But out of curiosity, what is away?
All right, honey, let me tell you a story.
There was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt.
Eventually, he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
I believe I do.
I'm the guy.
You're not the guy.
Are you sure?
I would explain so much.
Your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance with Leonard, just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie, all the time.
I call everyone sweetie.
You tramp.
Look, Sheldon, all I'm saying is strap on a pair and go talk to Amy.
Strap on a pair?
What, skates?
Oh, sweetie, you are so not the guy.
Amy's too busy.
It gives the rest of you an opportunity to make my life easier.
Assuring yourselves, a footnote in my memoirs, tentatively entitled, You're Welcome, Mankind.
All right, then.
Just shout when you hear the task you want to undertake.
Uh, dentist.
Okay, we can circle back to that one.
Who wants to take me Wednesday morning to get new heels put on my dress shoes?
Anyone?
Oh, that one had hoot written all over it.
All right, dermatologist.
Allergist.
Podiatrist.
Supercuts?
Okay, okay, here's a fun one.
Um, I need a new picture frame, and I have a hankering for Swedish meatballs.
Who wants to spend the day with me at Ikea?
The meatballs are pretty good.
What's that?
Nothing, nothing.
Good, your power's out, too.
Why is that good?
Because last month I sent the electric company a Starbucks gift card, an apology note and a few snapshots of me in a bra.
Power failure.
Implementing power failure protocol.
What happened to all your glow-in-the-dark emergency exit stuff you had painted on the floor?
Oh, that was wildly carcinogenic.
Anyway, too bad, you're no longer entitled to the full benefits of my friendship, because I happen to be extremely prepared for such an emergency.
Please try not to see anything by this light.
It's not for you.
It's just a blackout.
I'm sure the power will be back on soon.
And I'm sure some fool in the Donner Party said the snow would stop any day now.
I like to think they ate him first.
Yeah, I got some candles in my apartment.
Candles?
During a blackout?
Are you mad?
That's a fire hazard.
No, Pasadena Water and Power recommends the far safer glow stick.
You call that a glow stick.
As a glow stick, come on, let's go.
Before you go, consider this not only do i have a deep cycle marine battery power source which is more than capable of running our entertainment system, i also have all 61 episodes of the bbc series red dwarf and fiddle faddle all yours.
If you're willing to reinstate the roommate agreement, i've got wine at my place and some bubble wrap we could pop.
He'll be back.
Wine and a girl in the dark, he's gonna be bored out of his mind.
There are a million great vacations you could take.
What about Hawaii?
Hawaii is a former leper colony on top of an active volcano where the disappointing ending to Lost was filmed.
Mahalo for nothing, Hawaii.
How about Florida?
They got Cape Canaveral.
They got Disney.
They got my Aunt Ida and the world's largest collection of diabetic candy.
Plus, if you get sweaty enough, her plastic covered furniture is like a flume ride.
My family took a trip to Florida when I was a child.
A seagull stole a hot dog from me on the beach.
I got the message.
You know, if I had a week off, I'd go back to the Two Bunch Palms resort and spa in the desert.
I tell you.
An hour on the massage table with Trevor, and you'll feel like you were born without bones.
I don't think I could ever let a guy give me a massage.
Really?
What was I doing to your neck last night while you were playing Xbox?
Guys, I am living in a dictatorship.
You must take a vacation.
You must have fun.
You must enjoy life.
I don't think you have a good handle on dictatorships.
Look, it's obvious having kids is really important to you, and I think I came up with a solution.
Really?
That's great.
What?
Well, seeing as how I make way more money than you anyway, what if I work and you stay home with the kids?
Me?
Yeah, you know you'll watch Barney and pull Cheerios out of their noses and go on play dates and I'll work and have conversations with people my own age and enjoy my life.
Yeah.
Yay, so we're good.
Yeah, we're good.
You know, I don't know if this counted as a fight, but how about some makeup sex?
I would love that.
But what is that behind your ear?
Oh, look, it's a condom.
You guys need me to call someone?
I'm guessing your mom's.
Thanks, but we've got it covered.
Okay, I just talked to my mom.
She arranged for us to get a rental car.
We can still make it to Comic-Con.
Are you kidding me?
After all we've been through, I just want to go home.
Don't be like that.
Come on, Howard.
Talk to him.
I'm with Leonard.
I'm done.
Fine.
Then I guess it's two against two.
How do we decide?
Actually, it's three against one.
What?
Well, what about the mission?
You said we're a real-life landing party.
Well, we're not.
We're an imaginary landing party.
We have real life garbage thrown at us by real life strangers who think we're idiots.
To tell you the truth, I'm starting to feel like one.
I wanna go home now.
Okay.
Did we at least rent the car from Enterprise?
Get it?
Enterprise.
Screw you, that's funny.
We're all here tonight because we have no one to be with.
But it doesn't make us mutants.
The only mutants here are in these comic books.
We've got to stop defining our self-worth by whether or not we're in a relationship.
You know what I see when I look around?
I see a room full of great people.
So let's give ourselves a break.
We are a community.
And as long as we have each other, we're never truly alone.
That was cool, what you said.
You really think so?
Yeah, I do.
Would you like to get a cup of coffee?
Okay.
Later, losers!
I met Leonard and then everybody else, and they've all been so wonderful to me.
That's really nice to hear.
Maybe next week we could all get together.
Lucy, you don't have to answer that.
Don't put her on the spot.
She hates that.
Am I right?
Tell her what you hate being put on the spot.
Go ahead.
Tell her.
Ignore him.
He's a little nervous because he doesn't think I understand the severity of your social anxiety.
Are you crazy?
You can't talk about social anxiety to someone who has social anxiety.
It makes them socially anxious.
Excuse me, but I'm a neurobiologist.
I think I'm a little more qualified than you to understand what's not working in your girlfriend's brain.
Don't call her my girlfriend.
We haven't discussed whether I'm her girlfriend or boyfriend yet.
Now that it's out there... Are you my girlfriend?
By the way, if you say no, I'll never be happy again.
Not to put you on the spot.
I think I have to go to the bathroom.
Might as well go ahead and eat.
She's not coming back anytime soon.
This old guy was choking on his food, and I saved his life.
I'm kidding.
Did you Heimlich him?
No.
I said, oh, my God, I think that old guy's choking, and then one of the busboys Heimlicht him.
You're a hero.
Yeah, that was the point of the story.
Oh, yeah, speaking of work, do you know if you have Thursday night off?
Uh, I think so.
Why?
What do you mean, why?
It's Valentine's Day.
Oh, right.
Yeah, we can do something.
Could be a little more into it.
Oh, I'm into it.
I'm into it.
It's just there's so much pressure to make the night special, and it never works out.
Okay, well, this time it's going to be different, because I am like a romance ninja.
You don't see it coming, and then bam!
Romance!
Watch out!
Hearts, kisses, love!
Ooh, yeah!
You know, sometimes I think I've made you so much cooler than you used to be, and then you go and do that.
I've never played Dungeons and Dragons with girls before.
Oh, don't worry, sweetie.
No one has.
So, what do you say?
I'll leave it up to the dungeon master.
A satanic fungus that looks suspiciously like Al Pacino rises from the forest floor and says you're playing DD.
You're playing D&D.
This whole apartment is playing D&D.
What are you doing in our dungeon?
You shall die.
OK, literal goosebumps, look.
What do you do?
I draw my broadsword.
I ready my quarterstaff.
I drink my potion.
I see we attacked the big one.
You know what?
Give me the dice.
I want to roll.
The dungeon master's supposed to roll.
Yeah, well, I'm supposed to be in Vegas throwing up on a shrimp buffet.
Now give it.
All right, what do I need?
Uh, 15 or higher.
15's the point.
The point is 15.
Give the little lady some room.
Here it is, coming out.
No, even better than money, you gained experience points.
More potion, please.
Okay, I'm done.
How'd you guys finish so fast?
You know, there were a lot of pictures, and one page only had the word, rackadoon.
Yeah, well, I have street smarts.
So what'd you guys think?
Well, there was a lot of action, and the story moved along at a brisk pace.
It was overall, what's the word I'm looking for?
Stupid?
So stupid.
I don't know how Leonard can get so caught up in this.
It's crazy.
They spend hours arguing about things that don't even exist.
What a waste of time.
I know.
A hammer so heavy that no one else can pick it up.
I don't think it's heavy.
I think it's some sort of magic so only Thor can lift it.
That makes even less sense.
I mean... No, no.
No, it doesn't.
Thor is a god.
The hammer is his.
Only he can use it.
It's like Sheldon and his toothbrush.
Or his thin, beckoning lips.
Wait, hang on.
What if Thor's hand is on the hammer?
I mean, if he's touching it with his god magic, does that mean I could lift it?
No.
Yes.
Pictionary is not a true test of any real intelligence or skill.
In all fairness, Pictionary has verbal skills, visual skills.
It's a pretty well-rounded game.
A lot of big talk from a man who can't draw a chocolate chip cookie.
All right, fine.
Pick another game.
Amy and I will beat you at anything.
Okay, glasses off.
Find Waldo.
Hurry up.
Find him.
Find him.
I'm trying.
Don't yell at me.
For goodness sake, he's wearing a hat, glasses, and a red striped shirt.
I know what he looks like.
Oh, there he is.
I got him.
Yes!
I win!
How could you not find him?
Because he's hard to find.
If it was easy to find, the books would be called theirs, Waldo.
Leonard, excellent.
I want to show you something.
Can it wait?
I need to talk to you.
Just look.
I've designed the perfect uniforms for our team.
The colors are based on Star Trek, the original series.
The three of you will wear support red, and I will wear command gold.
Why do they say AA?
Army ants.
Isn't that confusing?
AA might mean something else to certain people.
Why would a physics bowl team be called anodized aluminum?
No, I mean... Never mind.
Check it out.
I got you a Batman cookie jar.
Oh, neat!
What's the occasion?
Well, you're a friend and you like Batman and cookies and you're off the team.
What?
Howard raj and i just had a team meeting.
No, you didn't.
Yes, we did.
I just came from there.
Okay, i don't know where you just came from, but it couldn't have been a team meeting because i'm on the team and i wasn't there.
Ergo, the team did not meet.
Okay, let me try it this way.
I was at a coffee clutch with a couple of friends and one thing led to another and it turns out you're off the team.
Why?
Because you're taking all the fun out of it.
I'm sorry, is the winner of the physics bowl the team that has the most fun?
Okay, let me try it this way.
You're annoying and no one wants to play with you anymore.
Take him down.
He's got you, Sheldon.
Come on.
Hey, guys, guys.
Some of the other waitresses wanted me to ask you something.
It's called tressling.
It combines the physical strength of arm wrestling with the mental agility of Tetris into the ultimate sport.
Yeah, that's terrific.
But what they wanted me to ask you is to cut it the hell out.
All right, come on, guys.
Happy birthday to you.
We might as well stop.
It's a stalemate.
You're beating me in Tetris, but you've got the upper body strength of a Keebler elf.
Keebler elf?
I go to Keebler elf right here.
Okay, it's a stalemate.
Guys, push.
If I push any harder, I'm gonna give birth to my colon.
Oh, hey, guys.
Uh, hi, Penny.
Take a break, guys.
What are you doing?
Oh, you know, just moving a time machine.
Yeah, OK, neat.
But I really got to get to work, so.
No problem.
Hang on.
But what about your time machine?
Some things are more important than toys.
I'm scared.
Don't worry, baby.
I've got you.
Oh, Leonard.
It's still my turn.
This is amazing.
Just sitting on a couch watching TV with a woman.
Not being drunk or high or wondering if you're a dude down there.
Leo, you are a very sweet, really funny guy.
You're gonna do okay.
One day at a time, Penny.
One day at a time.
How long is he going to stay here?
He's a homeless drug addict, Leonard.
Where is he going to go?
Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.
Excuse me.
Do you know anything about this stuff?
I know everything about this stuff.
I have my own wholesale flower business and I want to hook up my computer in the front entrance with the one in my refrigerated warehouse.
Here, buy this one.
Look, it's the one we're getting.
See?
Happy guy.
No, no, no, no.
She doesn't want that.
She needs a point-to-point peer network with a range extender.
Thank you.
Which hard drive do I want?
Firewire or USB?
It depends on what bus you have available.
I drive a Chevy Cavalier.
Oh, dear Lord.
Sheldon, we have to go.
Not now.
Penny, this poor man needs me.
You, hold on.
I'll be right with you.
What computer do you have?
And please don't say a white one.
Okay, we don't have that in stock.
But I can special order it for you.
Him.
Excuse me, sir.
You don't work here.
Yes, well, apparently neither does anyone else.
Sheldon, we have to go.
Why?
Well, for one thing, we're late for Leonard's birthday party and for another, I told him to call security.
Good luck.
By the way, a six-year-old could hack your computer system.
Keep walking.
One, two, three, four is not a secure password.
Okay.
Her apartment's on the fourth floor, but the elevator's broken, so you're gonna have to.
Oh, you're just gonna be done.
Okay, cool.
Thanks.
I guess we'll just bring it up ourselves.
I hardly think so.
Why not?
Well, we don't have a dolly or lifting belts or any measurable upper body strength.
We don't need strength.
We're physicists.
We are the intellectual descendants of Archimedes.
Give me a fulcrum and a lever and I can move the Earth.
It's just a matter of... I don't have this.
I don't have this!
I do not have this!
Archimedes would be so proud.
You have any ideas?
Yes, but they all involve a green lantern and a power ring.
Easy.
Easy.
Okay.
Now we've got an inclined plane.
The force required to lift is reduced by the sine of the angle of the stairs.
Call it 30 degrees, so about half.
Exactly half.
Exactly half.
Okay.
See, it's moving.
This is easy.
All the math.
What's your formula for the corner?
What?
Oh.
Okay.
Uh... Okay, yeah, no problem.
Just come up here and help me pull and turn.
Ah, Gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.
You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman.
Men do things for women without expecting sex.
Those would be men who just had sex.
I'm doing this to be a good neighbor.
In any case, there's no way I could lower the odds.
Almost there.
Almost there.
Almost there.
No, we're not.
No, we're not.
Watch your fingers.
Watch your fingers.
I've got my fingers.
Hey, Leslie.
Careful, Leonard.
Liquid nitrogen, 320 degrees below zero.
Burns.
Why are you smashing a flash-frozen banana?
Because I got a bowl of Cheerios and I couldn't find a knife.
So anyway... Hello.
Uh, what are you doing?
Just extending the intimacy.
Hey, do you want to slip over to the radiation lab and share our decontamination shower?
Okay, uh, what exactly do you think's going on between us?
I'm not sure, but I think I'm about to discover how the banana felt.
Listen, Leonard, neither of us are neuroscientists, but we both understand the biochemistry of sex.
I mean, dopamine in our brains is released across synapses, causing pleasure.
You stick electrodes in a rat's brain, give him an orgasm button.
He'll push that thing until he starves to death.
Who wouldn't?
The only difference between us and the rat is that you can't stick an electrode in our hypothalamus.
That's where you come in.
Yeah, well, I'm just glad to be a part of it.
So what happens now?
Well, I don't know about your sex drive, but I'm probably good till New Year's.
Oh.
Okay.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You want to make plans for New Year's?
Whoa, Leonard, please.
You're smothering me.
OK, new contest.
What are you doing?
I am settling once and for all who is the smartest around here.
OK?
Are you ready?
Absolutely.
Bring it on.
OK.
Marsha, Jan, and Cindy were the three daughters in what TV family?
The Brady Bunch.
Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth as the lead singer in what group?
The Brady Bunch?
Van Halen.
All right.
Madonna was married to this Ridgemont High alum.
Oh, my God!
Sean Penn!
How do you know these things?
I go outside and I talk to people.
Okay, here.
What actor holds the record for being named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive?
William Shatner.
I don't think it's Shatner.
Then it's gotta be Patrick Stewart.
No.
Formal protest.
All right, singer who sang Oops I Did It Again?
Is this your card or isn't it?
Trust me, this was their card.
I thought you were good at this.
You're always talking about how you go to bars and meet women.
I do, all the time.
Well, what happened?
I've been sitting here all night.
The longest conversation you've had with a woman was when your mom called.
Wow, you're just gonna make me come out and say it, aren't you?
Say what?
You're weighing me down.
I'm a falcon who hunts better solo.
Fine.
I'll sit here.
You take flight and hunt.
Don't be ridiculous.
You can't just tell a falcon when to hunt.
Actually, you can.
There's a whole sport built around it.
Shut up.
Let's just get Kutherpolly and go.
Lucky bastard.
It's gotta be that stupid accent of his.
Hello, I'm Sanjay Wolowitz from Bombay.
Okay, I'm stumped.
Everything has to do with sex.
Mmm, testify.
I'm not touching that.
Leslie, you are way off base here.
Hang on, Leonard.
Well, I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist, or a human being, for that matter.
We have to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general sluttiness.
Thank you.
My point is that Tinkerbell just needs to get her some.
Some what?
Oh, yes, some sexual intercourse.
I'll take the bullet.
Excuse me, this whole idea is insane.
Enough debate.
I'm going to take action.
Excuse me.
Are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?
No.
Would you like to be?
Sure, why not?
Sheldon?
Can I have your phone number?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
There, problem solved.
Oh, boy.
What?
I can't comment without violating our agreement that I not criticize your work.
Then what was, oh, boy?
Great restraint on my part.
There's nothing wrong with the science here.
Perhaps you mean a different thing than I do when you say science.
Hey, how's that?
You actually had it right in the first place.
Once again, you've fallen for one of my classic pranks.
Bazinga.
Well, now, here's a peculiar email.
The president of the university wants me to meet him at his office tomorrow morning at 8 a.m.
Why?
Doesn't say.
Must be an emergency.
Everyone at the university knows I eat breakfast at 8 and move my bowels at 8.20.
Yes, how did we live before Twitter?
I guess you'll find out what it is in the morning.
That's 14 hours away, and for the next 840 minutes i'm effectively one of heisenberg's particles.
I know where i am or i know how fast i'm going, but i can't know both.
How am i supposed to carry on with this huge, annoying thing hovering over my head?
Yeah, i know the feeling.
Okay, i got a box, but there's no key in here, just letters.
That's the wrong box.
Put it back.
Oh sheldon, are these letters from your grandmother?
Don't read those letters.
Oh look, she calls you Moon Pie.
That is so cute.
Put down the letters!
Hey, Penny, it's Leonard.
Hey, Leonard, how's the train ride?
Delightful.
Listen, I don't know what you're doing right now, but there are little bubbles forming in the corner of Sheldon's mouth.
Okay, yeah, I kind of crossed a line.
Put him back on.
Thank you.
I'm back.
What up, Moon Pie?
No one calls me Moon Pie, but me more.
Hey, Penny Leonard again.
Okay, I found the box.
Now what?
You're holding a Japanese puzzle box, which takes ten precise moves to open.
First locate the panel with the diamond pattern and slide the center portion one millimeter to the left.
PANEL DOWN TWO MILLIMETERS, YOU'LL HEAR A SLIGHT CLICK.
HANG ON, SHELDON, DO YOU HAVE ANY EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT TO THIS BOX?
NO, IT'S A NOVELTY I ORDERED OFF THE INTERNET.
DID YOU HEAR THE CLICK?
NOT YET.
THERE IT IS.
FORGET I TOLD YOU ABOUT MOONEY NOT GRADUATING FROM COMMUNITY COLLEGE, OKAY?
FORGET?
YOU WANT ME TO FORGET?
THIS MIND DOES NOT FORGET.
I haven't forgotten a single thing since the day my mother stopped breastfeeding me.
It was a drizzly Tuesday.
Okay.
Look, you promised me you would keep my secrets.
You're just gonna have to figure out a way to do it.
Leonard, I'm moving out.
Wanna get a little crazy?
What are you thinking?
I'd slide over to Sheldon's spot and make out.
You are a dirty girl.
How did he know?
Hello?
Hi, Howard.
Am I interrupting?
A little bit, yeah.
Guess I should have called.
Yeah, maybe.
Tonight's the night I usually go line dancing with Raj at the Palomino.
I bet he's working with Sheldon.
Yes, we know.
Want me to leave?
You know, whatever.
Okay, I guess I can hang for a little while.
If you're hungry, Bernadette, we're going to a terrific restaurant.
Oh, yeah, I'm starved.
When you spend all day in a bio lab watching flesh-eating bacteria skeletonize small rodents, it really works up an appetite.
Flesh-eating bacteria, and yet I still want to kiss this woman.
What does that tell you?
I know you'd be willing to die a horrible death on the off chance you'd get to second base.
We're way past second base.
Right, Howard?
Well, we kind of disagree about what the bases are.
How's your work going, Penny?
Any acting jobs?
Well, the last big thing I did was this production of Diary of Anne Frank above a bowling alley.
But I think things might be turning around pretty soon.
Great.
How come?
Well, promise you won't make fun of me?
Of course.
I would never make fun of you.
Okay.
Well, I went to this psychic who told me that if I cut my hair, I'm gonna get a national commercial.
Seriously?
You're getting career advice from a psychic?
Good job not making fun of her.
She's not one of those phonies, okay?
She wrote a book and has her own website.
Oh, gee, why didn't you say so?
They don't just let anyone have a website.
Why are you being such a jerk?
You're surprised your psychic didn't tell you I was going to be a jerk?
Bite me.
Come on, Penny.
Why don't you kids go ahead and chat?
We're gonna make out back here. and sliding into thirds.
Can you identify our cricket?
Of course I can.
I can identify every insect and arachnid on the planet.
Not that that's going to keep me from having to move in with my daughter in Oxnard.
And we're not talking Oxnard at the beach.
No, we're talking Oxnard in the onion fields.
Well, could you look at Toby?
Toby?
What a stupid name for a cricket.
Told you.
It's a field cricket.
Yes, wait, Dr. Crawley, are you sure?
Young man, I've been studying insects since I was eight years old.
You know what they used to call me in school?
Creepy Crawley.
Cruel as that may be, that is not in itself a credential.
Let me show you something.
See that?
That's a Crawley's dung beetle.
I discovered it after spending six months slogging through the Bornean rainforests while my wife was back home shacking up with a two-bit ornithologist who lives on a sailboat and likes to wear bootcut jeans.
So when I tell you that that's a common field cricket, you can take that to the damn bank, because God knows I can't.
That tramp took me for everything.
Well, apparently I was wrong.
Oh, hey.
Hey, what did Sheldon say to you?
Not a lot, just that we always have the option of going back to being friends.
Is that what you want?
I don't know.
I mean, you have to admit, things seemed simpler when we were just friends.
I guess.
It would take the pressure off.
It would, wouldn't it?
So we'll just be friends.
Okey-dokey.
I say this ring belongs to the last person who can hold on.
Fine, but can't we go home and start this?
Sure.
Let go of the ring.
All right, it starts now.
You do realize there's a giant bug movie marathon tonight on the Sci-Fi Channel?
Wait, my laptop.
Yeah, there's a point when this becomes idiotic.
And it wasn't when we were driving like this?
If I'm wrong, prove it.
Okay.
Here's where we derive the mass of the dark matter particle.
You've misstated the atomic weight of the target.
Let me finish defacing my work.
I'm not defacing it.
I'm fixing it.
Give me the eraser.
No.
I said give it to me.
Come and get it.
Fine.
Dr. Kuntrapalli is your superior.
I forbid you from riding on my board.
You are not my superior.
I am in every way.
Oh, yeah?
Can you do this?
Nice working with you.
I'm sorry.
For you.
We could always learn more about why people who believe in psychics are idiots, Leonard.
Oh, we don't need to talk about that anymore.
Leonard covered it pretty well in the car.
I'm sorry, but facts are facts.
Right, and if you can't understand it, it's not a fact.
No, if it's not a fact, it's not a fact.
Oh, got it.
Thank you for educating me.
You're welcome.
How's your fish?
Amazing.
Would you like to try some?
Yeah, sure.
Well, the fact is, you can't.
Maybe we should just stop talking about this.
Maybe some of us should stop talking altogether.
How is everything tonight?
Really uncomfortable.
