So I got into my first real relationship when I was 17.
And I say real relationship because technically I had a boyfriend in fifth grade, but I don't even think we hugged.
Maybe we hugged once.
And if we did, I can almost guarantee we ran away from each other immediately after, like ran away and didn't talk again for like two days.
So I don't really count that one.
I got into my first real relationship at age 17.
And since then, I've been dating pretty consistently.
recently like i've been in a lot of relationships since with not much hiatus in between and so it's safe to say i've had a good amount of experience not a lot i'm a young person but it's been like seven years straight of dating and you know what those seven years have taught me a lot of dating red flags okay a lot of relationship red flags i feel like i've seen it all and i know that i I haven't, but it feels like I have. Okay.
And here's the deal.
I know the truth of the matter is you have to touch the stove to learn that it's hot.
Like I could sit here and tell you all the things to avoid in dating and relationships.
And chances are you're going to have to go experience it yourself to learn the lesson yourself.
That's just how it is.
However, today I'm going to be sharing with you all of the relationship and dating red flags that I've learned over the past seven years because I wish I had a podcast episode to listen to back then when I needed it, not so that I wouldn't make the mistakes, but so that the seed would be planted in my brain, right?
Because when you make the mistakes yourself, a lot of times you'll make the mistakes multiple times.
But when there's a seed planted in the back of your head and you know what to look for, you'll probably still make the mistake once, but you're not going to make it like three, four or five times.
If you're learning for the first time, you might make the mistake more times than necessary before you learn the lesson.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Actually, I don't want to say more times than necessary because I think there is no right amount of making mistakes.
There's no right or wrong amount of making mistakes.
As long as you learn eventually, that's all we can strive for.
But if somebody had planted a seed in my brain back in the day, I would have avoided a lot of pain and heartbreak.
Okay. So today I'm going to be sharing with you all of my dating and relationship red flags that I've learned over the years for the most part through my own trial and error, but also through the trial and error of my friends and the people around me, because I've seen my friends and loved ones go through some bullshit as well.
So these aren't just lessons I learned from me, but also from those in my life.
And I also have have to say before I begin that to some of you, these red flags might seem painfully obvious.
Like, why are you even mentioning that red flag?
It's so obvious. Let me tell you, in relationships, for some of us, we can become completely aloof to what's going on.
Like, common sense out the window.
I think I'm a pretty smart person.
And listen, not everyone agrees, okay?
I've read the the comments.
Some people think I'm very stupid.
I think I'm a smart person.
I think I'm sharp. I think I don't put up with a lot of bullshit.
Actually, that's not true.
I can be a yes man sometimes.
Less so now. Used to be more.
Less so now. But I think I'm pretty sharp, okay?
And things don't go over my head that easily.
However, relationships have tested that belief about myself because I've really let shit slide in relationships that like in romantic relationships specifically that I wouldn't let slide in any other area of my life it's so bizarre how common sense really just goes out the window when you're in a relationship it does and and that's nothing to feel bad about it completely makes sense because you know you're you're excited you're in love you feel comfortable and safe you finally found a partner you don't want to screw it up You don't want to be overly analytical about it.
You don't want to be overly critical about it because you don't want it to go away.
You're enjoying it and it feels safe and it feels comfortable.
And you don't want to rock the boat consciously and subconsciously.
Anyway, without further ado, let's begin.
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What are you talking about?
Like, ideally, you're not fighting in a relationship.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
I've been in relationships where there were no conflicts, no arguments, barely any butting heads at all.
And at the time, I thought to myself, wow, like, we're an anomaly.
We're so healthy. How is everyone else not like like this.
Like, this is so easy.
Look, we're not fighting.
We're not, you want to know what was going on?
We didn't even know each other that well.
We knew each other well.
We were dating. We spent a lot of time together, but we never got down to the thick of it.
We weren't discussing our philosophies about life.
We weren't discussing serious, heavy, important topics.
We weren't showing our true full range of emotion to each other, we were hiding bits and pieces of ourselves to make ourselves look and seem more perfect to one another.
We were only sharing like 50 % of ourselves to each other.
And that's why we weren't fighting.
That's why we weren't butting heads.
Because everything was surface level.
Everything was light.
Everything was fun.
on. And in theory, you know, that, that sounds nice, but that's not a real relationship.
That's not a real partnership.
And here's the thing, like people want different things out of relationships.
And I can imagine that there's a world where someone wants something more surface level.
However, that's not what I want.
In a partnership, I want somebody who's going to challenge me.
I want somebody who's going to hold me to a standard that forces me to improve as a person, not in a toxic way, but in like a self -betterment way, in like a self -improvement sort of way, in a net positive sort of way.
I want somebody who's not going to be a yes man with me, who's not just going to say yes to me so that there is no conflict.
I want a real back and and forth because that's what makes a relationship valuable.
Relationships at their best force both people involved, sometimes uncomfortably, to become better.
And it's possible, but it's only possible through uncomfortable moments.
There are times when you learn from each other and it's beautiful and it's easy and it's comfortable.
But for the most part, what I've experienced is growth as an an individual because of a relationship is almost always due to some sort of discomfort.
Like if I were to look at my relationships that I've had, I've learned the most. I've improved the most as a person through being confronted uncomfortably by the person.
And it fucking sucks.
It's not fun. Sometimes it leads to a fight, sometimes whatever.
But But that is what gives relationships depth.
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If you are being your truest, most honest self, if you are discussing your deepest, most honest thoughts and the same is happening on the other side, eventually you will butt heads.
If you're spending every day together because you're dating and you're spending an ample amount of time together, you'll probably end up butting heads.
Do you see what I'm saying?
It's a red flag to me if you're not.
I also think it's almost like what came first, the chicken or the egg.
OK, like if you're not fighting, it means you're not sharing all of yourself with the other person.
And so the relationship isn't going to be that deep.
But also, if you aren't fighting and then resolving it, your relationship can't get deeper.
Do you see what I'm saying?
So it's like you need that conflict resolution to get closer as a couple as well, because a bit of grit, a bit of tension and then overcoming that, it builds a stronger bond.
but also if you're not creating an environment where a bit of tension is welcome and safe both members of the relationship are going to be walking on eggshells all the time trying to avoid any sort of disruption and in a relationship i don't think that's healthy and some people might disagree with me but i don't think that that's healthy the realization that a bit of of arguing, a bit of respectful fighting, a bit of healthy debate is normal, is healthy, is honestly a green flag blew my mind, okay?
This blew my mind. It blew my mind.
And I wish I would have noticed that earlier on because I've spent a lot of time in relationships where things were almost like eerily calm.
And in retrospect, it's so clear to me like Like the relationship wasn't deep at all.
There was no substance.
It was so unfulfilling because there was no substance.
And I kept asking myself, like, why does this feel so unfulfilling?
Why do I not feel close to this person?
Why do I always feel like there's a gap between us?
It's because we weren't sharing our truest selves with each other and thus.
But I think the not fighting is a very obvious red flag.
That's something that is easy to notice.
much easier to notice than like, oh, are we being fully 100 % ourselves with each other?
It's like hard to tell, you know, but whether or not you're fighting again, respectfully, I think is an interesting red flag.
But that's also, you know, that leads me to the next red flag, which this is like obvious, but fighting can also be bad, right?
Like, if the fighting is non communicative, if it's not constructive if you aren't listening to each other if you're just fighting for the for the sake of fighting if hurtful things are being said and there's no apologies I mean fighting can also be a huge red flag so it's complicated right because there's a fine line between fighting that's okay and fighting that's a severe red flag but I think you have to ask yourself am I being listened to do I feel respected even though I'm being confronted or there's an argument do I feel respected if if something is said that's out of line am I being apologized
to and you know vice versa check on yourself make sure you have all of that under control on your end it's complicated but who would have thought I'd be here sitting and saying fighting actually respectful fighting might be a green flag and not fighting at all is a red flag who would have have thought who would have thought I'd be sitting here and saying that I wouldn't have thought that a few years ago that's for sure okay moving on I believe it's a red flag when you think about your partner 24 7 and you love them so much that it causes you deep deep overwhelming anxiety because you don't know
how you live without them and you feel overwhelmed with love and adornment and you just can't even handle it like you're so overwhelmed listen if you're feeling like that in the first, I don't know, like six months, you're in the honeymoon phase.
Like whatever, enjoy it.
If this continues like a year in, two years in, I think it's a red flag.
Because you know what this tells me?
It tells me that the partner who's feeling the overwhelming love and anxiety and adornment and obsession is feeling that way because their partner is still an illusion to that, is a bit disconnected from them, is a bit standoffish.
There's a wall between the partners.
There's a space between.
There's not a real level of emotional intimacy.
And so the partner feeling the obsession and the love and the anxiety and the adornment is feeling that way because their partner is still not fully theirs.
Number one, they don't understand who their partner is.
Like they're not fully connected to their partner.
They don't fully know who their partner is because there's some walls up.
So they're still filling in the blanks with their imagination.
And whenever you fill in the blanks about a person with your imagination, they're going to seem a lot better than they actually are, which kind of puts them on a pedestal.
Okay. So that's number one.
Number two, if your partner has a wall up, you're not going to be able to fully feel like you're in a safe relationship that's mutual.
You're going to feel like, oh, I'm, I'm constantly still chasing after this person because, well, you're not really chasing after the person, but you're trying to break that wall down so that you can be close.
And you're constantly going to be chasing that feeling.
You're going to be chasing the closeness, trying to chip away at that wall.
And I feel like the chipping away at the wall is almost like representative of the obsession and the anxiety and the, and the love and the, you're chipping away at this wall that has like a cement backing that will just never, ever come down.
And so, but you're so determined, you're like trying, trying, trying, and it's not working, but you're like convinced that you'll get there one day.
And the focusing on trying to break that that wall down makes you obsessed, makes you anxious.
Do you know what I'm saying?
To me, it is a huge red flag when a partner feels that sort of level of obsession and love and anxiety.
And like, I don't even know what I would do without them.
It's because the whole situation is delusional due to the lack of connection.
And this one I've experienced personally.
personally so no one can tell me I'm wrong because I've experienced this.
This one's very deeply personal for me.
And I wouldn't say I was like obsessed but in one of the relationships I was in, I spent 24 hours a day, seven days a week freaking out that my partner didn't love me as much as I loved them.
Freaking out about what would happen if they left and feeling like I wouldn't be able to survive.
Putting this person on a pedestal because I didn't really know who who they were.
So I had to imagine a bunch of things up and I imagined them to be this amazing thing that they weren't.
But that made me even more obsessed and in love and whatever, because they were my creation in that way, you know?
And in retrospect, I didn't feel safe in that relationship.
I didn't feel like it was reciprocal.
I didn't feel like they were opening up to me.
I didn't feel like I even really knew them, you know what I mean?
And, but it weirdly manifested and like, I don't like to use the word obsession because that makes it sound like a bit kookier than it was, but it was sort of an obsession.
And I can say that now because, you know, I've been in relationships since where I'm not anxious about my partner because I know who they are.
And I feel like our love is reciprocal and nothing about it is in my imagination.
It's all in reality.
personality so i don't need to obsess over it because it's all good okay the next red flag i i kind of already mentioned but we're gonna dig into it when you put your partner on a pedestal you think they're so cool you think they're amazing you you're even maybe a little bit intimidated by them because they're so fucking cool red flag red flag again it goes back to not knowing who this person is if you think that your partner's the coolest person on the planet that's because because they're only showing probably 40 to 50 % of themselves.
You have no clue who they are.
They are not being fully themselves around you.
Human beings are not that cool.
I'm sorry, you could take...
Who's a cool person on the internet?
Let's think. A cool, hot person.
Like Austin Butler, the actor, who's handsome and talks like Elvis.
If you were to hang out out with Austin Butler and Austin Butler, who seems so suave and so cool.
If you were to hang out with him and date him, right, for a year, and he was fully himself with you, by the end of that year, you'd be like, I'm immune to this person now.
Like, they're not too cool for me.
They're not. This is a human being who shits and farts and cries and does cringe stuff like you just take them off the pedestal.
If both partners are fully being themselves, no one's intimidated by the other.
No one feels like anyone's cooler than the other.
It's one thing to like admire your partner and think that they're incredible and be a fan in a way.
It's another thing to like put them on a pedestal above you.
That's the red flag.
You You should admire your partner.
You should. But I think putting up on a pedestal is a red flag because if you feel like they're better than you, a power imbalance will form, okay?
Where because you think your partner's so much cooler than you, you'll just kind of let them get away with anything.
And so that's another complication of this, you know?
Next, another red flag would be if coincidentally, since you started dating your partner, You've become less creative, less artistic, less adventurous.
This can happen sneakily.
You might be in a relationship that you think is going great.
You're in love. You think you're happy.
You think everything's going well.
You're not fighting.
You're getting along great.
But you're less inspired.
Now, I do think that this can happen in the honeymoon phase because you're consumed by your new love, you know and that sort of becomes your hobby for a little while but if like a year goes by and you just don't feel creative in the same way you used to be you don't feel inspired you feel sort of stuck but you can't really figure out why it's because your relationship is not uplifting you your relationship is not inspiring you your partner without even you realizing it is in some way, and it might be subtle, but is in some way bringing you down.
And I know it seems obvious, but I promise you it is not always obvious.
I've experienced this where I've dated people and thought, this is going great.
But meanwhile, I've completely lost my creativity.
I've completely lost my inspiration for life.
And it's like confusing because it's like, wait, but things are going well.
Like, why is this happening?
In retrospect, I'm able to see now that the reason why that happened was because number one, I didn't feel 1000 % supported by that particular partner that I was with during that time.
I didn't feel like they respected me creatively.
I don't feel like they respected me as a person even.
Like, I didn't feel like they fully respected me when it came to the things that I did in my life.
Does that make sense?
Like, I felt like they were judging me a little bit and it wasn't glaringly obvious.
It was so subtle that that's what made it so sinister.
It was like, or not even sinister, but that's what made it so sneaky.
Like, I just didn't feel like they were on my team a hundred percent.
I felt like there there was a little bit of, maybe at times like a bit of competition, but it was so subtle that I barely picked up on it.
And I didn't really realize it until the relationship was over.
And suddenly I had like this explosion of creativity.
And I was like, what?
And again, now I'm able to realize it's because I felt a bit judged by my partner at the time.
I felt, I also felt drained by the relationship too.
I was spending so much energy trying to break down their metaphorical wall, right?
Because they had sort of a wall up and weren't fully being themselves and weren't really very vulnerable with me, but I was super vulnerable with them and, but they weren't really reciprocating that.
And so I was in this super vulnerable place, but they were all locked up and weren't giving me a lot of reassuring action.
So I was spending all of my free time trying to figure out if they even liked me, you know, trying to figure out if the feelings were reciprocal, trying to break down that wall and find out who my partner really was in a way, how they really felt on the inside, what was tender and soft in there.
I was trying to find it.
And that was taking so much of my time and was stressing me out so much that I didn't have any time or energy to be creative or to be inspired in my own personal life because I was trying to figure them out.
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Now, let's get back to the episode.
Okay, moving on. Another red flag.
If you're too afraid to tell your partner anything, and I mean anything, that's a red flag.
Now, again, some people might disagree and say, say your partner doesn't need to know everything.
I agree that your partner doesn't necessarily need to know everything.
You don't need to bring your partner in on every single challenger or struggle in your life or every reality in your life necessarily.
But I think a partnership is a partnership, right?
You should feel comfortable telling your partner almost everything, if not not everything.
Like 99 % of things.
Again, my opinion, but I've been in relationships where I literally was so afraid.
I'll actually tell a story.
So I had a little single era before I got into a relationship.
And in that little single era, I really wanted to try to like have casual sexual sex because it's something I hadn't really done before and I just wanted to see how it felt and so I I hooked up with some people that you wouldn't probably imagine me to be with it's like not my style um and by that I mean like kind of douchey like cool guy not like cool guy but like yeah like kind of maybe a bit douchey like cockier sort of guys that get a lot of girls girls.
Like I went for that.
Like not super respectful even necessarily.
No. Well, yeah. It just like, wasn't the vibe that you would imagine me going for as like a very relationship driven, long -term relationship driven girl.
Right. It was a little bit unexpected, but it was an experimentation.
And following that experience of kind of hooking up with a few sort of douchey -ish sort of guys, I got into a relationship.
And, you know, I live in Los Angeles.
Everybody knows everyone in LA.
Turns out, you know, the guy I started dating really didn't like those boys that I had hooked up with.
And again, because LA is very, it's shockingly small, that came up a few times.
And for the entire relationship, I literally couldn't sleep sleep at night thinking about what would happen if he found out that I had hooked up with those guys in the past. Like actually could not, I could not sleep.
There were nights where I literally was laying next to him, staring at the ceiling, freaking the fuck out.
But because I was like, I know he's going to judge me.
He'll probably break up with me.
In retrospect, I'm like, what?
what that is so dark, like in a real healthy relationship, that's something that can be talked through.
That's a story that should be told.
Do you know what I'm saying?
I should not have been staying up at night afraid of telling him or afraid of him finding out.
I can't even tell you how many hours I wasted on that.
Such a fucking stupid, such a red flag to be that afraid of your partner finding out about something that isn't that big of a deal because you think they'll judge you, you think that they're not going to accept you, that is a red flag.
If you're not certain that your partner will be able to accept you as who you really are, red flag.
Red mother effing flag.
Okay. Next, another red flag, love at first sight.
Hear me out. Do I think there is love at first sight?
Of course. I think there are absolutely moments when you see somebody and you're like, I'm down.
I'm interested. They seem awesome.
And then you start dating and then it's happily ever after.
Do I think that that happens?
Yes. However, love at first sight to me is a teensy bit delusional.
It's a little bit delusional most of the time.
I think there there are rare occasions where it's not, but I, I, I think a lot of times it's, it's delusional because here's the truth of the matter, right?
People are so complicated.
People are like never ending onions.
Okay. You keep peeling back the layers and then there's more, there's more to discover.
If you think you experienced love at first sight, like if you experienced love at at first sight and it genuinely works out, it's because of luck.
You got really lucky because you judge somebody based on their first, your first experience with them.
And then they ended up actually clicking with you long term, even as you were both peeling back your onions, if you will.
Okay. And revealing new layers of yourself over and over and over again.
Like I think more often than not, with relationships, you start out by meeting somebody, you become friends, and then slowly but surely, as you get to know them better, your feelings really form for them over time because you slowly but surely reveal that you're really compatible.
Do you know what I'm saying?
That's, I feel like, how a healthier relationship tends to form.
Where in the beginning, there's maybe a bit of skepticism, or maybe even you don't feel romantic at first at all.
You don't feel attracted to the person at all.
And that slowly but surely develops.
Maybe you think that they're cute at first, but you're like, I'm not convinced.
Like, we'll see if we click.
That's a healthier mindset.
I don't know. I think love at first sight is a bit frightening to me because you don't know if you're compatible with a person for a while.
And the problem is, if you and someone else meet each other and are immediately really attracted to each other and the first conversation goes kind of well and you both decide that you're in love and it was love at first sight, now you're locked into that narrative.
And that's dangerous as well because then you end up staying in something perhaps that isn't good because you boxed the relationship into love at first sight.
It's got to work out now because it was love at first sight.
That is a bit toxic to me at times.
But again, I just don't think anyone should be saying love at first sight until like a year, two years down the line.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Because maybe in the beginning, maybe you had a crush on someone immediately.
Great. But like love at first sight is that's a huge, that's a huge claim.
And if you lock yourself into that too early, I just think it can be dangerous.
I don't know. That's my opinion.
Next, talking casually about marriage before it's been like a year.
Here's the thing. i mean again like everyone's so different and so it's i don't want to make like blanket statements but i've been in relationships where marriage came up within the first year and listen i'm young to be talking about marriage and in retrospect that's a red flag i don't even necessarily think it needs to be in the form of love bombing because well maybe to some i think love bombing would mean talking about marriage in under a year, but I think that's obviously a red flag.
I think even casual mentions or sly remarks about potentially getting married one day is a red flag, and here's why, okay?
Because I'm the type of person who dates to marry, right?
Now, I'm not going to marry everyone I date, obviously, but I'm not going to get into a relationship unless I feel feel confident that this is a real contender for marriage for me.
That's how I date because otherwise it feels like a waste of time for me personally, because I don't even know if I'm to get married.
I would like to, I don't know, but like, that's what aligns with my goals in life.
I want to have a family, little Baba, little baby.
And like, I, so I'm not just dating to like have fun.
I'm dating because I want to find that partner, you know?
So like I want the people I'm with to be real contenders.
And again, when I was younger, I didn't even know what that meant.
You know what I mean?
So I was dating guys that I was like, yeah, maybe I'd marry him.
And it's like, obviously I wouldn't.
But at the time it felt valid.
That felt like a valid feeling.
However, I never, ever in my relationships would bring up marriage ever.
End of story. Never happened.
That word never came out of my mouth.
It was never mentioned unless someone else brought it up.
Well, Well, not someone else, but unless my partner brought it up to me, which has happened before where we're in the early stages of a relationship and all of a sudden, like in the goodnight text, there's a ring emoji and it's like, whoa, you know?
And then it's like, you know, a sly remark about like, well, if we ever get married and it's like, whoa, listen, after like two years, maybe, I don't know.
Everyone's different again, maybe after a year.
Sure. But I just, this is my opinion.
This is very much my opinion, and I could change my mind about this tomorrow.
But I think in a healthy relationship, marriage, the conversation around marriage, I think, can happen at a point when the relationship feels really solid.
Maybe that's at around a year, maybe two years, who knows, to get on the same page, right?
Because, yeah, I do think it is important to get on the same page and make sure that you both have the same sort of philosophy on that type of stuff, because otherwise that could be a huge issue down the line.
So I definitely think it's important to have the conversation.
But I do think it's a red flag if it comes up too soon.
And it's like, wait, what are you doing?
You know, like, what are you saying?
Like, we still don't even know each other that well.
Like, I haven't even met your sister yet.
And you're like, you know what I'm saying?
I don't know. I think the conversations around marriage in relationships should be really thoughtful.
Like throwing around that sort of casual, throwing around like, oh yeah, like if we get married or when we get married, lol.
Throwing that around casually early on feels reckless.
It feels reckless and it feels disrespectful of one another's emotions.
emotions because in the beginning stages of a relationship, it's so vulnerable.
It's so like deeply emotional.
And to start like looping marriage into things, it's like, yeah, you might feel like you want to marry the person, but it's the responsible thing to do to wait it out until the relationship is at a developed enough stage to have that conversation rationally.
Because I've been in relationships where there was like little chitter and chatter about marriage.
And And then it's like, wait, and then we broke up, you know, and it hurt 10 times worse because it was like, wait, we like talked about getting married.
I don't know. It just feels irresponsible to like, take things to that level too soon.
Even if it's not love bombing, even if both members are like, oh, we want to get married.
Don't talk, I think it's best not to talk about those types of things until the relationship is at a developed enough point.
And I also think it's best to discuss marriage more broadly, less about what you're going to do together, especially early on, and more so just the philosophy overall on marriage.
And then at some point, you'll get to the age and the time in your life when it's time to get married.
And then you have conversations about getting married to each other.
I just, I think it's such a serious and like deeply emotional thing that to throw it around casually, it just, again, it's immature mature and it feels irresponsible.
And I just think it's a red flag.
Again, some might disagree with me.
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Okay, next. I think it's a red flag to not be able to have conversations about sex with your partner.
Like, you should be able to sit down and dissect the sex that you had with your partner with your partner.
Does that make sense?
And that should be completely comfortable.
I've been in, I'm literally doing this every time.
I've been in relationships.
I've been in many relationships where I did not feel comfortable talking about sex because it actually felt kind of taboo.
Even though we were having sex, we're dating.
It still felt like this sort of taboo thing to talk about it.
And that's a huge issue because sex requires a lot of conversation.
Otherwise, you end up in a relationship.
This is for the girlies out there.
You'll end up in a relationship where you haven't come in two years.
You know, like that's how that shit happens.
And I know what you're thinking, Emma, that doesn't happen, does it?
Oh, no, it does. It does.
Do you know what I'm saying?
It's like if you get into this sort of situation where sex becomes sort of taboo and it's not really discussed, that's a huge fundamental element of relationships is the sex. I mean, not for everyone, of course, but for a lot of people, that's a huge fundamental part of relationship of romantic relationships.
It is. It's a very important thing.
And you need to be able to talk about it openly, honestly.
And there I believe that there should be a safe, comfortable environment within the relationship to have those types of conversations.
And if that isn't there, if you feel scared to be like, hey, you should be doing this more or like, I don't really like when you do that or I wish we had sex more or I wish we had sex less.
If you don't feel comfortable to have those types of conversations, massive red flag.
And this seems like an obvious red flag, but it's not for everyone because I think that we can we can accidentally get into a routine where we're in relationships where we're not talking about sex. Because it is an uncomfortable conversation to have. You do have to be in a really deep, close relationship in order to have those conversations comfortably.
And unfortunately, that's not necessarily the case, like 50 % of the time.
You know, a lot of times we end up in relationships where we're sort of playing an elevated version of ourselves.
And so is our partner.
And we're trying to like be super cool.
And like, you know what I mean?
It's it's a huge huge red flag.
You have to be able to talk about it.
Not only is it a sign that you're at a good level of closeness and vulnerability, and you truly have a strong bond that allows you to be free and have free conversation without fear of judgment or awkwardness, but also in order to have good sex, you have to talk about sex, I think, unfortunately.
I mean, listen, I think it can be good.
Sometimes it's just good and that's great.
But I don't know, if you're going to be together other for a long time, you need to be able to talk about it.
Continuing on with sex. It's a red flag if intimacy doesn't feel satisfying.
Like if you don't feel satisfied by the sex that you're having, that's a red flag.
Now, I've been in situations where I've been having sex that wasn't quite working for me, right?
But I was like, well, maybe it's my fault because I haven't been in the mood lately.
Or like, no, the truth of the matter was my partner at the time wasn't really doing much for me.
And then on top of that, I wasn't speaking up and saying like, Hey, you kind of need to do some more stuff for me.
You know what I mean?
And so because there was that major disconnect, it was like, just kind of like, it just became really lackluster.
I think for both parties, you know what I mean?
But no one spoke up.
And there's just sort of this settling for like this mid intimacy because we didn't want to have the conversation and we're like, it's fine.
Like, it's not that important to be having like amazing sex. Like it's, it's probably unrealistic or whatever.
No, it's not. No, it's not.
So like strive for success in relationships, you know, like everyone should be striving for every element of the relationship to be great.
No one should be settling.
And if they're settling, it's because there's a lack of passion in the relationship.
There's a, there's not enough, like it's not, it's clearly not worth fighting for if you're not willing to like work to make it really good.
Do you know what I mean?
Cause it does take work and it is uncomfortable at times, but settling is much less fun.
Okay. This next one is going to be controversial.
It is, it is. And some people are really going to disagree with me, but I do think that this is maybe not a red flag, but like a yellow flag.
Does that exist? Yellow flag?
I haven't heard anyone use that term, but to me, this is a yellow flag.
If you don't like each other's style, and I'm talking about music, clothing, home decor, art, I think it's kind of a red flag.
Listen, you're never going to meet somebody and have the exact same taste in everything.
It's like impossible.
But I think you know what I mean And when I say like similar taste, adjacent taste, like if you're really into futuristic modern clothes and like EDM dance music and like and like you want your house to look super brutalist and like you want like concrete walls and like concrete furniture and your partner is obsessed with like wearing fluffy skirts and listening to Sabrina Carpenter and likes to have like a bright, colorful home.
home and likes art that's like, really cute.
It's like, that's not that's gonna be tough.
I'm not saying it can't work.
It totally can. But I don't know, there's something about having a similar taste in things that I feel like makes the relationship even more fun.
Because you can go to the same concerts together, you can go to the same art exhibitions together.
You can decorate your home together, and you'll both be happy and feel like it's a representation of you both both in the car when you're driving together all the time or when you're at home turning, you know, the speaker on listening to music.
You both can enjoy music together.
I just think it's really tough not to have similar tastes.
And again, I don't think it's impossible.
And I think it just depends on how important your taste is to you.
Like how much do you like the stuff that you like and how flexible are you about being around things that you don't really like?
I'm somebody who's incredibly, incredibly, incredibly, incredibly visual.
I can't date somebody unless I like their style.
I learned that early on.
I did date some guys whether I didn't like their style and it really turned me off.
And I know what you're thinking, Emma, that's so shallow.
It's actually not because somebody's taste in things, it goes deeper than what meets the eye, I think.
It really does. Because I didn't just not like them because I didn't like their style.
Like, it actually went deeper than that.
But that was, like, the most obvious sign.
You know, I don't know.
I'm an incredibly visual person.
So, like, the way that somebody decorates their home, what they wear, how they style themselves, all of these things are really important to me.
I'm also like really into, I love various art forms and I'm really into it.
And I spend a lot of time cultivating my own taste and stuff.
And so if somebody else doesn't have a taste that I like, like I'm sorry, but I can't date a guy whose playlist is like Drake and then like Diplo.
You know what I mean?
Like I can't. I can't.
And I can't date a guy who's wearing like tight khaki joggers.
I can't. I cannot. I will not.
And I don't think that's wrong.
Like, that's a red flag for me.
Could I potentially get over it?
Maybe if like the click was amazing.
But I'm okay with being surface level about that.
And I think it's okay to see that as a red flag.
But not everyone cares, right?
Like, some people really don't care.
They're not visual people.
They're not that into art.
Like, it's fine. Fine.
But if you're into that, it's really hard. I don't know.
I don't know. Maybe I'm like morally wrong for that.
But anyways, moving on.
I think it's a red flag if you don't trust your significant other enough to be friends with people that they could technically be attracted to.
So like, if you're in a heterosexual relationship, man and a woman, that would mean the boyfriend in in the relationship, wouldn't trust the girl to be friends with straight guys.
Or let's say in a relationship with two gay guys, if they don't feel comfortable with, they don't feel comfortable with each other being friends and hanging out with other gay guys without that.
Do you see what I'm saying?
I think this is a red flag.
Now, listen, I will say some people are just naturally more jealous.
And I get it. But I do think we should really strive to trust our partners enough to be able to hang out with people that they could technically be attracted to and to not spiral about it.
Like I've experienced both experiences.
I've experienced relationships where there's enough trust where it's kind of no worries.
You know, sometimes it's like, huh, I wonder what's going on there but there's a confidence that nothing would ever happen because the relationship is so valuable to both members of the relationship that there's sort of this feeling of like they might find somebody else hot but they're definitely not going to do anything they wouldn't fuck this up they just wouldn't does that mean that you're not going to get cheated on listen shit happens okay but we should strive to feel that level of confidence in our relationships and i do think Again, this is sort of more of a yellow flag, I think, because it's
a really hard thing to accomplish.
And I think there is a personal element to it as well.
Like, sometimes we can be in incredible relationships that are safe and happy and so reciprocated, so mutual.
But, you know, we have our own personal issues with our confidence, with our self -esteem that make, you know, this sort of situation really uncomfortable.
And so that's, you know, also something to to consider.
But yeah. Okay. Moving on.
It is a red flag if your partner is quote unquote bad at responding.
No, they're not. No, they're not.
In a romantic relationship, you should be available to each other at all times, I think.
Or not at all times.
Listen, there should be like an understanding.
Like if someone's going to work, you know, if someone's going to dinner with their friends and you're going to be separated, you know, there should be an understanding.
Like, yeah, you're not going to be available 24 seven, but like in a relationship, there's no such thing as bad responding.
Oh, you know, like my boyfriend didn't respond to me all day yesterday, but he's just a bad responder.
No, he's not. He could make a little time here or there to be like, Hey, sorry.
Like, you know, doing this, but like, I'll talk to you in a bit.
I just, I'm not buying it.
I'm not buying it. I don't think anyone is a bad responder with their their partner I'm a bad responder on text with friends and acquaintances like I sometimes won't respond for a month just because I didn't get around to it you know or I like didn't see it at first or I've been working or I don't have the emotional capacity to respond like I do think some people are bad responders in general but in a relationship I'm sorry they're not a bad responder responder they're up to something.
I think that's a huge red flag.
If you feel neglected by your partner when you're not together, chances are it's because they are neglecting you.
They're not communicating enough.
Again, you shouldn't be texting all day long.
But like if your partner is ignoring you for like hours and hours and hours straight with no explanation, I don't know.
I'm if you feel like your significant other would choose their friends over you.
I personally think that's a red flag.
If you feel like your partner's friends are like their entire life and you're really on the back burner, that's a red flag.
Now it's confusing because it's also a red flag if partner doesn't have any other friends other than you.
So it's like, wait, what?
Balance. There needs to be balance.
Like it's important for your partner to have friends other than you.
but you still need to feel like you're in a category of your own because romantic relationships are a category of their own.
You shouldn't feel like, oh, my partner would, you know, if my partner was faced with a choice, like who would I rather hang out with, my significant other or my friends?
I personally think eight times out of 10, your partner should choose you because it's a deeper, more, I don't know.
I just have heard over the years of a lot of people letting their partners completely fucking kick them to the curb to go hang out with their friends all the time.
You know what I mean?
In a very imbalanced way.
And I've heard excuses be made like, well, it's their friends and friendship is really important.
It's like, yeah, but you shouldn't feel neglected.
You shouldn't feel kicked to the curb.
Your partner should be finding balance so that everybody feels like they're getting ample time with them.
It's just weird. And last but not least, this might be the most controversial one.
I think it's a red flag if you're dating somebody and they're not a solid contender for like long -term partnership, potentially marriage if that's what you're into, or potentially starting a family together if that's what you're into.
If you're looking for like a serious partnership long -term and you're with somebody and you're like, eh, I don't know if they're a contender yet, that's a red flag.
back, if that's your goal in life, you shouldn't be with somebody unless they feel like a strong contender.
Because here's the deal.
Chances are they're probably not a strong contender and you'll find that out later the hard way.
In the moment, in the least, you should feel like they're a strong contender because in my experience in romantic relationships, usually my feelings are irrationally positive because I'm in love and I feel romantic and I want to kiss and all this.
And so like, I'm actually like delusionally positive about the person.
Do you know what I mean?
So if you don't feel like they're a strong contender, they're probably really not because I feel like in relationships, feelings are usually too positive.
Do you see what I'm saying?
So if I do my math, that feels like a red flag.
And I think those are all my red flags.
Listen, I'm going to keep dating.
And so who knows, I might have a whole new slew of red flags for you in like two years.
so stay tuned for that but that's all I have for today that's it I mean obviously you know I there's a lot of red flags that I didn't mention today because you know I think they're like there's no need to reiterate them I think they are really obvious asshole mean bully you know like toxic like obvious bad stuff but I tried to tap into the the less obvious stuff today and hopefully you you enjoyed and maybe you got something out of it.
Maybe you didn't, but either way, I hope you enjoyed and I enjoyed.
Okay. I enjoyed hanging out with you.
So hopefully the feeling was mutual.
And if it was, tune in Thursdays and Sundays.
I'm here every Thursday and Sunday to chat with you and hang out.
So tune in if you want, find anything goes online at anything goes, find me online at Emma Chamberlain and find my coffee company in the world at Chamberlain coffee.
And that's all I have for today.
That's it. Thank you all for listening.
Thank you all for hanging out.
As always, it's a pleasure.
And we'll be talking in a few days if you choose to tune back in.
All right. Talk to you soon and love you and bye.
Bye.
