You're improving.
Thank you.
It helps when I get to practice with a real woman.
Hey, listen, Saturday my sister's getting married.
I want you to come with me.
It's black tie.
Yeah, gee, I'd really rather not.
Why not?
When I go to weddings, it's to scam on chunky bridesmaids.
I don't know what I would do with a date.
Oh, all right.
I understand.
Thanks.
Hey, I'm really sorry about that Geneva trip.
What about it?
Oh, didn't you hear?
I had to reduce the number of people going and you didn't make the cut?
When did that happen?
About 12 seconds ago.
Hold on.
Are you saying if I don't go to the wedding, I can't go to Geneva?
Well, actually, I'm trying not to say it.
Okay, I'm sorry, but that makes me a little uncomfortable.
How so?
Because it's like you're controlling me with new equipment and research trips.
Well, if I weren't controlling you with new equipment and research trips, then I'd be uncomfortable.
How so?
Because then we'd be in like a real relationship with feelings and all that crap.
So bottom line, I'm just a bought and paid for sex toy.
No, no, not at all.
You're also arm candy.
So, what do you think?
Hey Ma, you gotta rent me a tux!
Right now?
What kind of sex are you having up there?
How about that?
I finally caught a break.
Uh-huh.
You know how they say when friends have sex, it can get weird?
Why does it have to get weird?
I don't know.
I mean, we were friends and now we're more than friends.
And we're whatever this is.
But why label it, right?
I mean, it is what it is.
Leonard.
Yeah?
It's weird.
Totally.
Wow, you really are a genius.
Not really.
I googled how to do that.
So, listen.
Have you ever made a pact with someone?
You mean like a pinky swear?
Okay, fine, like a pinky swear.
Well, in the first grade, my friend Rosie and I made a pact to marry Bert and Ernie.
You know, from Sesame Street?
Yeah, I'm familiar with Bert and Ernie.
Then we found out we both wanted Ernie.
We didn't speak again until middle school.
Over puppets?
The heart wants what the heart wants, Leonard.
Okay.
Speaking of what the heart wants.
Um a long time ago I made a pact with Wolowitz that kind of involves you.
Okay, I don't know where you're going with this, but tread carefully, because it may be the last conversation we ever have.
No, no, nothing like that.
The deal was that if either of us ever got a girlfriend, we'd have her fix the other one up with one of her friends.
And you thought a good time to bring this up would be right after sex?
Well, it sure as hell wasn't gonna bring it up before sex.
During I was trying to remember what I read on Google, so I'm not picking wallowits up with one of my friends.
Come on, it doesn't have to be a good friend.
And you know that deep down inside, Howard's a really nice guy.
The problem isn't what's on the inside.
It's the creepy candy coating.
Will you at least think about it?
Just as a favor to me.
The great thing about Ernie was he never asked me for anything.
He just gave.
Morning, old chum.
What's going on?
I've made you breakfast.
Juice, coffee, and pancakes in the shape of some of your favorite fictional characters.
See, here's Frodo.
You made Frodo pancakes?
Yeah, I used coconut shavings to do the hair on his feet.
If you need to void your bladder before eating, I can keep them warm with this beret that I thoroughly laundered and pressed into service as a pancake cozy.
Why are you doing this?
It's by way of an apology for my recent behavior.
I've had some time to reflect and I've come to realize that friendship is not an aggregation of written agreements.
It's the result of two people respecting and caring for each other.
Butterscotch scone?
Thanks.
Good.
What you're tasting is respect and affection.
And about a pound of Crisco.
After you finished breakfast, I thought we could spend the day watching the final season of Babylon 5 with director commentary.
You hate Babylon 5.
I do.
It fails as drama, science fiction, and it's hopelessly derivative.
But you like it and you're my friend.
Okay, great.
Still not taking you to Switzerland.
Drap.
No Frodo for you.
Just think, this time tomorrow we'll be in Geneva, Switzerland for our first Valentine's Day.
I know.
I went shopping today and bought special undies for the occasion.
Thermal?
Because it's going to be cold.
Think it through, Leonard.
Oh.
Gesundheit.
Or as they say in Switzerland, Gesundheit.
Getting a cold?
No, no, it's probably just allergies.
Do you want an allergy pill?
Because I have them all.
Prescription, non-prescription, foreign, domestic, experimental.
Do any of them work?
Not really, I'm just an enthusiast.
Annie?
You okay?
Does that sound okay to you?
Do not come in here.
What's going on?
I'm having a tea party.
What do you think's going on?
I think I might have the flu.
Or the plague.
Our plane leaves at 9 a.m.
Do you think you'll feel better by then?
Yeah, because I'm gonna be dead.
Thank you.
Aah!
Aah!
You hit me!
I'm bleeding!
What was that?
Sheldon tried to take the ring and I punched him.
That's my girl.
Give us the precious.
Give it to me.
Get off of me.
Give me the ring.
It's mine.
Gotta go back to dating dumb guys from the gym.
Give it to me.
Give it to me.
Give me the ring.
Give it to me.
Leonard.
Leonard.
Leonard.
Just come in.
Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
What do you want, Sheldon?
Maybe this isn't a good time.
Tell me why you woke me up or I swear to God I will kill you.
Do you really think death threats are an appropriate way to begin this conversation?
Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.
What do you want?
You may want to sit down.
I'm in bed.
Point taken.
You may want to sit up.
Shell in!
I've been seeing Penny behind your back.
When you say seeing Penny, what exactly does that mean?
We had dinner last night.
She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it.
Well, a little hot dog.
I gave up the other five hot dogs to a real dog.
A real big dog.
A hell hound.
Tangential to the primary story.
How about I circle back to it?
Fine.
Why did you have dinner with Penny?
I told you she made spaghetti with little hot dogs.
I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.
Then why did you have Chinese food with us?
I didn't want to upset you.
Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.
Is it possible he said bros before hoes?
Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hoes.
Okay, how about this?
Let me tell you about the first time I brought a girl over.
Leonard.
Shh, just pretend we're not here.
Leonard.
I'm sure he'll go away.
I'm just going to keep knocking until you answer.
Leonard.
Leonard.
Leonard.
What do you want?
I didn't say come in.
You asked what I wanted.
I wanted to come in.
I'm here because you violated our roommate agreement, specifically section eight visitor, subsection C females, paragraph four coitus.
Roommates shall give each other 12 hours notice of impending coitus.
I didn't even know her 12 hours ago.
That's it, I'm out of here.
But her choice, come on.
12 hours?
Oh, God, that feels so good.
Yeah, that's the spot.
Oh, baby.
How are tennis ready?
I'll eat later, I'm busy!
Oh, yeah, just like a real hand.
You slipped and fell into a robot hand.
Yes.
Penis first.
Yes, now help me.
I'd suggest a lubricant, but I have a feeling you fell on some of that as well.
Not funny, Leonard.
Really?
My robot hand's got a death grip on your junk, dude.
That's funny.
Please, before my mother walks in, get this off me.
OK, let's see.
No, no, don't touch.
The program is paused.
Well, then let's unpause.
No, no, I loaded the wrong program.
The ham thinks it's holding a screwdriver in outer space.
If you continue the program, it's going to start twisting.
All right.
How about this?
When Winnie the Pooh got his head stuck in the honey tree, his friends all grabbed onto him and pulled and pulled.
You do what you want.
I'm not touching another man's honey tree.
All right, forget pulling.
How about we get an electric saw and cut it off?
What?
No saws.
One circumcision was enough.
How about an acetylene torch?
OK, I can't believe this needs to be said out loud.
No pulling, no saws, no torches.
Well, then what do you want us to do?
How would I make cookies for you and your little friend?
That's great, Mom.
Thanks.
I'll bring them up with some Hawaiian punch.
Don't come up here.
Why not?
Are you ashamed of your mother?
Yes, but that's not the point.
Get me out of here.
You have any ideas, Raj?
Right now, all I can think about is cookies and Hawaiian punch.
Wow.
Wow, indeed.
I can't believe we're finally living together.
Yeah.
You know what would make this moment perfect?
What?
A little snack.
You got any string cheese?
No, I might have some cheddar.
Not as good.
You can't make strings with it.
Remind me to put it on your shopping list.
Okay.
Do you have hypoallergenic detergent?
No.
Better put it on the list.
If you wash my underwear with regular soap, I get little red bumps on my tuchus.
Wait a second.
I'm doing your laundry?
Well, honey, it's not gonna do itself.
Oh, before I forget, tomorrow morning you're driving me to the dentist.
I have to take you?
You don't have to take me.
You get to take me.
Wait a minute.
Are you telling me your mother usually takes you to the dentist?
It's not weird.
There's lots of kids there with their moms.
I can't believe this.
What?
It's fun.
If I have no cavities afterwards, we go out for a treat.
All right, Howard, let's get something straight right now.
I'm not going to be your mother.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where did that come from?
Oh, God.
Oh, God!
Oh.
OK, look, this never happened.
Do you understand me?
Really?
Still can't talk to me?
Well, that was fun.
Yeah, except for when I got the foot cramp.
You hung in there, though.
There was a lot at stake.
So what do you want to do now?
Well, I want to go get my asthma inhaler, but it might ruin the moment.
This is to help me out here.
How does a miserable date end in sex?
I don't know.
It's complicated.
Well, I'm a pretty smart guy.
Right now, my brain has dibs on the blood supply, so give it a go.
Okay, it's just At the restaurant.
When you said you wanted us to be together again, it got very real very fast and I panicked.
Why?
What are you afraid of?
Well, what if we do go out and I do something stupid and dump you again?
What if I dump you?
Come on, be serious.
Well, how about if we don't think about this as a relationship?
It could be more like a new version of software, Penny and Leonard 2.0.
We can test it internally, shake out the bugs, and if we both feel it's solid, then we'll roll it out to the public.
So we don't tell people we're back together.
Exactly.
We pretend like our date went badly.
Well, you don't really have to pretend.
And we let them think that we decided to just be friends and that everything's cool.
OK.
Great.
Hey, I just remembered.
I still got one of your inhalers.
Aw.
I can't believe you kept this.
Yeah, I was going to throw it away, but I just couldn't.
That is so sweet.
In 25 to 30 minutes, I'm going to show you how much this means to me.
Oh my God!
Sheldon!
You frightened me!
What are you doing in my bedroom?
Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn't hear it.
What do you want, Sheldon?
I was having a little trouble sleeping, and I just thought, seeing as you're up, we could talk.
Talk about what?
Oh, I don't know.
Weather.
Fish you could do carpentry with.
Why Leonard is such an attractive and desirable boyfriend.
Pick one, your choice.
Okay, what did Amy tell you?
Oh, very well.
I can't keep up this clever charade any longer.
She told me that you were thinking of ending it with Leonard.
Okay, you listen to me.
I think it's really sweet.
You're trying to protect your friend, but this is none of your business, got it?
Excuse me?
This is not about protecting my friend.
I'm a big fan of homeostasis.
Do you know what that is?
Of course not.
Homeostasis refers to a system's ability to regulate its internal environment and maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH.
Worst bedtime story ever.
My point is, I don't like when things change.
So, regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard.
And also, while we're on the subject, you recently changed your shampoo.
I'm not comfortable with the new scent.
Will you please stop this madness and go back to Green Apple?
Okay, honey, I have a lot to figure out, and until I do, you are not to say a word to Leonard.
Do you understand?
I do.
Are you clear on the shampoo issue?
Get out.
Penny.
What?
Please don't hurt my friend.
That is the last thing I want to do.
Thank you.
Coconut, what were you thinking?
Are you a hula girl?
You gonna make it?
I'm okay.
Nicely done!
Oh, thank you.
Finally, there's a Mrs. Hofstetter who isn't disappointed in me.
Well, the night is still young.
Everything all right?
Yeah, I guess.
Just tell me.
It's just when we were kissing, I couldn't help but picture you with that other girl.
No, no, come on.
I have a friend in you.
You said so.
Right, just forget it.
Okay, listen.
If you're imagining that it was sexy, it wasn't.
We were both drunk and she smelled like an ashtray.
The boat was moving a lot, so I chipped her tooth.
Did you feel guilty?
No, she had dental insurance.
Did you feel guilty after kissing her?
Yes, I felt guilty as soon as it happened.
I feel guilty every time I see her.
What do you mean every time you see her?
What do I mean?
Boy, that's a toughie.
You still see her?
Well, no, not socially, but you know, just at work.
You work with her?
How could you not tell me that?
I wanted to tell you in the car, but you told me to stop talking.
Oh, OK, so you're saying this is my fault.
No, of course not.
OK, look, instead of fighting, why don't we dim the lights, get naked, and make a baby?
Just trying to lighten the mood.
It's not easy.
Try it.
That was incredible.
It was.
I just wish Stuart wasn't around so we didn't have to be so quiet.
I know.
It's not like he returns the favor when he watches his Japanese porn cartoons.
You guys got a minute or are you still coddling?
What is it, Stewart?
Can I come in?
Hang on.
Should I send him away?
No, it's okay.
Thanks, Bernie.
What's up?
Well, I know the remodel is coming up, so I thought I'd make it easy on you guys and find my own place.
Wow.
I thought I was done getting lucky tonight.
So when are you thinking of moving?
Actually, I already found an apartment, so in a couple of days.
Oh, OK.
Sorry to see you go.
Okay, well, thank you guys for everything.
I really appreciate it.
You're very welcome.
What?
I just have never been in this room while you're awake.
Leonard?
Leonard?
Leonard?
What?
I never got to ask my question about Batman.
What is it?
If Batman were bitten by a radioactive man-bat and then fought crime disguised as Man-Bat, would he be Man-Bat Man-Bat Man or simply Man-Bat Man-Bat Batman?
Is he still wearing the Batman suit under the Man-Bat suit?
I'll be back.
I don't know if you have any plans next weekend, but I kind of promised your mom we'd have another wedding ceremony so she could attend this time.
Wait, we're going to get married again?
Yeah, kind of.
And now we can invite our friends and family.
Seems like a lot of trouble for a hug.
Come on, it'll be fun.
And you know, your mom was genuinely hurt we didn't invite her to the first one.
Well, in our defense, it was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing.
And also, we don't like her.
Leonard, come on, she's your mom.
If we can do something to make her happy, why wouldn't we?
I just said why we don't like her.
Okay, look, forget about her.
Let's do it for us.
We keep it small and informal.
This time we can invite our families.
Is your brother out of prison?
Thanks to overcrowding, yeah.
I'd love it if my dad could come.
Oh, you have to invite him.
I haven't seen him since the divorce.
He's like a different man.
He stopped twitching and I think he grew an inch and a half.
Well, then it's settled.
Yay.
So funny.
I never thought my second marriage would be to you.
That's a kick doing.
I felt a kick.
There's a baby in there.
Oh yeah, that's where i put it.
I mean i know you're pregnant.
I just never connected the idea of pregnancy and you actually having a baby.
Which MIT did you go to?
Oh, god.
We are not ready to have an infant in this house.
We don't have a crib.
We don't have diapers.
We're not baby-proof.
Anyone can just walk in off the street and lift our toilet lids.
We have time to do all that stuff.
Do we?
Look at you.
Willy Wonka would roll you to the juicing room.
The next person kicking you will be me.
Good night.
Are we even in a good school?
I warned you, and I did it.
Howard?
Howard?
It's me.
It's just me.
What are you doing here?
Well, I texted you, but you didn't respond.
Leonard and Benny were arguing.
It's fine.
It's just Raj.
You can hit him with the bat, but it's fine.
And if my heart starts, just let me go.
I'm sorry, guys.
Sheldon was upset.
Leonard and Penny were fighting.
I just wanted to go someplace where I wasn't causing problems.
I'll say it again.
India.
Can I just stay in the garage?
Don't do that.
We'll make up the couch for you and figure out something in the morning.
Thank you.
Come on, I'll get you some sheets.
I'll see if I can beat my high score on the blood pressure machine.
Never should have had all these kids so close together.
