I think my husband's having a heart attack.
I need an RRT and a crash cart.
Over here.
Sir, are you having chest pains right now?
Yeah, a little bit.
Any numbness or pain in your arms?
Maybe this one.
Shortness of breath?
Enough questions.
He's a fat middle-aged man with chest pains.
Do something.
All right.
Sorry about the fat, honey.
You said you liked me this way.
Mean that much to you?
Mary and I were dating about a month when she brought me home for dinner.
I took one bite of this brisket, and I knew I loved your daughter.
Gee, thanks.
Kind of like sleeping beauty, except dad kissed meat.
I tell you what.
You go get a piece of paper and a pencil.
I'll write it down for you.
OK.
It's happening.
That's the fastest I've seen him run.
It's the only time I've seen him run.
OK.
I might make it this weekend.
Or you could try a vegetable.
Vegetable, that's funny.
OK.
Now, this is for your eyes only.
You're not to share it with anybody.
I never would.
I would never.
You're a horrible person.
What'd it say?
I want to know what it said.
Me too.
Just eat.
Can I read it?
You are a horrible person.
Ain't I?
I'm guessing we're not having our once a week.
Sorry, I only have relations with gentlemen I like.
Oh, come on.
You know how I feel about your mother meddling in our finances.
She wasn't meddling.
She was offering to help.
And that computer is not some silly toy.
Sheldon could use it for his schoolwork, and I could use it to organize my recipes.
You already got them organized on those little cards.
Yeah, like a cave person.
Well, it doesn't matter.
We can't afford it.
End of story.
Not exactly end of story.
What does that mean?
I've been setting money aside the last couple of years, and this might be a good use for it.
Money from what?
You know, here and there.
Bookkeeping for the church, some seamstress work, birthday money from my Aunt Zelda.
Just how much of this here and there money you got saved up?
Well, seeing as it's my money, I don't think that's any of your business.
None of my business?
You see every nickel I'm making.
You got secret money?
It's not secret.
I just told you.
Where are you hiding it?
Well, now you're headed into secret territory.
Oh, OK.
Just so I'm clear, my money's our money, but your money's your money.
That's right.
Oh, good to know.
I'm glad we're not having our once a week, because I am not in the mood.
Really?
That's too bad.
Why?
Are you?
No.
That was uncalled for.
Two cases?
You've got to be kidding me.
Don't worry.
I didn't use your money.
I used mine.
Finish your dinner and then pack a bag.
We are going to Meemaw's.
Why?
Because your mom and dad need a break from each other.
For how long?
I don't know.
Just pack.
Come on in.
Mom and dad need a break.
We don't know how long. and everything.
I ain't never getting married.
Yeah, it's so.
Yeah, women are nothing but trouble.
I love you and I love the kids, but I love you better living across the street.
Sorry the end of my marriage is inconveniencing you.
Oh, don't be so dramatic.
It's a little spat.
No.
This was a long time coming.
This goes to the very core of our relationship.
I see we're sticking with dramatic.
The minute he found out I had money set aside, he felt threatened.
And you know why?
Because it meant that I can live independent of him.
Sleeping in your mommy's bed.
You know what I mean.
You going to buy Sheldon that computer?
Well, now I have to.
Got it.
You do know I still have an active love life.
Just go to sleep. on this very bed.
Oh, mom.
Were you coming to talk to me?
Well, yeah.
I, um, wanted to apologize.
Really?
I'm going to go for a walk, talk a little.
Hey, kids, come here.
Look at that.
It looks like your mom and dad are going to be all right.
Does this mean we're going home?
It appears so.
I tried to pet fish.
I was so slimy.
Well, yeah, he's a fish.
I put my finger in the top of the tank.
Then I touched him.
And he bit me.
Oh, I'm sure he didn't bite you.
I can't breathe.
This fish blood is mixing with my human blood.
Maybe he was just trying to give you a kiss.
No, he hates me.
I never want to see him again.
Oh, Sheldon, you're being silly.
Fish like this don't bite.
Look.
See, he's harmless.
Son of a bitch.
Dad killed my fish.
George.
He'll be fine.
Just got to put him back in the bowl.
Oh, George.
Let me see you to your swim.
Bye.
Night.
Well, that was the most stimulating dinner I've ever had in this house.
Glad you enjoyed it.
That man is a true role model.
Well, it's nice you finally got a man you can look up to.
Oh, believe me.
I know.
You going to keep it all bottled up, or you want to talk about it?
What?
Well, fine.
There's nothing to talk about.
You sure?
Yep.
Sweet dreams.
You know you won't talk about it.
You saw it.
My own son can't even imagine me being a role model.
How am I supposed to be OK with that?
You're a role model for Georgie.
I used to be.
Now he wants to grow up and be Tony Danza.
Did you forget you have a daughter who would really benefit from having a good man to look up to?
Oh, dear Lord, you did forget.
I didn't forget.
I just, I don't know how to spend time with her.
It ain't rocket science, George.
She's a little girl.
Ask her what she wants to do and then do it with her.
Oh, yeah.
I suppose.
Trust me.
She'll be thrilled to spend some time with you.
OK.
Yeah, I'll give it a try.
Hey, when we do whatever it is she likes to do, you're going to be there, right?
No.
Well, it's just got harder.
Can I ask you a question?
Of course.
You can ask me anything.
Were you pregnant with me when you married Dad?
Um, why would you ask that?
Sheldon said so.
How would Sheldon know?
He did the math.
What math?
He said the time between my birthday and your wedding day was six months.
Um, yeah.
That's because you were born premature.
I've seen my birth certificate.
It said I weighed nine pounds.
Yes, that's true.
You were a big fat preemie.
Let's talk about something else.
Why?
Because I'd very much like to.
Oh, I hear they're opening an olive garden where the old Sizzler used to be.
On Hampton Road?
Yeah.
I don't think that was a Sizzler.
That was a Chi-Chi's.
No, the Chi-Chi's is on Bedford, across from the Payless Shoes.
She's right, because one time we got shoes, and then we got Chi-Chi's.
That was a good day.
Huh.
I guess that was a Sizzler.
I'm sorry they closed that.
Oh, there's still the other one on Route 40.
Who cares?
You have a problem?
Yes, I do.
I've had a long day.
Is it too much to ask for a dinner with a little peace and quiet?
Sheldon, you do not talk to your father like that.
Fine.
I'd rather not speak to any of you.
Maybe I better go talk to him.
No, I got this.
George, maybe you should calm down first.
I got this.
Hi, Mom.
What did you do?
Good news.
I found out what part was making that noise.
You have to put this back together.
Now we're going to the bad news.
What made you think you could fix this?
I'm smart.
And I had a book.
Do you still think you're smart?
Yes.
I told him not to do it.
He wouldn't listen.
$200?
It'll be OK.
We'll find the money.
Wait.
The old fridge in the garage.
What's that?
Well, I kind of donated that fridge to the church.
You know, for the needy.
Are you kidding me?
I see tense moments like this more than you think.
I'll just give you guys some space.
How you holding up?
I'm OK.
16 years old.
It's just awful.
It's all part of God's plan.
A faith garden?
What the hell is that?
Language.
It's an outdoorsy place for me to speak to God.
Don't you already speak to him indoorsy?
Yes, but in the backyard, I can enjoy the beautiful world he gave us.
You can also smell the Sparks chicken coop.
Well, I think it sounds nice.
Thank you.
I'm going to need your truck to get all the dirt and flowers and tools that I need.
Sure.
Oh, oh, almost forgot.
Can you keep an eye out for a rock big enough to paint a song on?
I can do that.
Wish me luck?
Luck.
Mm-hmm.
Is mom OK?
How the heck should I know?
She left.
You can say hell.
Are you cooking breakfast for us?
Your mom's not feeling well.
Is she contagious?
No, just tired.
Did you check her for tics?
As soon as she wakes up.
You can check her while she's asleep.
Sit down.
Do you even know how to cook?
Believe it or not, I am capable of making breakfast.
Sorry, it's not like we see you doing much around here.
How about thanks for cooking, Dad?
Chocolate chips?
Thanks for cooking, Dad.
Is Mom going to church?
I don't think she's up to it.
But she never misses church.
I gave the money to a friend.
Who?
It doesn't matter who.
Why'd you give it to them?
They needed it.
It's like charity.
Ooh, another write-off.
Excellent.
Hey, hey, hey.
What do you say we keep this quiet?
You mean like a secret?
No, no, just something between you and me.
What about Mom?
Mom is on a need-to-know basis.
What if Mom needs to know?
OK, it's a secret.
Just trust me.
It is better for everyone if she doesn't know about this.
But I'm not good at keeping secrets.
It's not hard.
Just keep your mouth shut.
But I'm not good at keeping my mouth shut.
Sheldon, all you got to do is be cool.
Be cool.
He might as well have asked me to fly around the backyard.
What are you doing in there?
Keeping your secrets.
Thanks.
You're very welcome.
Hey, have you noticed anything off with Sheldon?
Um, no, no, no.
Can't say that I have.
Why?
He's been awful quiet.
And at the risk of being indelicate, he's gone several days without a bowel movement.
How do you know that?
Well, I was worried about him, so I took a look in his potty journal.
Still keeping that thing, huh?
Oh, yeah.
That's why he wanted the Polaroid camera.
I'm sure he's going to be fine.
But I'll keep an eye on him.
I do not want Mary to find out about this.
What about Sheldon?
The kid hasn't pooped in days.
He might pop.
Slip a little Metamucil into his apple juice.
He'll be fine.
Why don't we just come clean?
All right, sure, we could do that.
You could rat me out to Mary, and I could tell her what you did at the church picnic.
Come on!
Now you're just playing dirty.
We sink or swim together, George.
We sink or swim together.
I need to tell you something.
What did you do?
When Sheldon was doing our taxes, he noticed a missing check.
What did you do?
Before I answer, do you trust me enough to understand that it was for a good reason?
Just leave it at that.
What did you do?
It's all your mother's fault.
She is a bad person.
I've been telling you for years.
What did you do?
Okay, now, before I answer that... Just tell me what you did.
I got a DWI.
Um... It's not as bad as it sounds.
How is driving drunk not bad?
I wasn't exactly driving.
I don't follow.
I was at the dog track with Georgie, and I had a few.
Georgie?!
!
With God as my witness, I've never been to the dog track in my life.
She knows.
Oh, I've been there a bunch.
Will someone please tell me what happened?
Okay.
Me and Meemaw were in the bar at the track.
You took him to a bar?
He wasn't drinking.
She had a few too many margaritas, so I drove us home.
But you don't have a license.
That's why we swapped places after the cop pulled us over.
Oh, dear Lord.
I had nothing to do with this part.
Shut up.
I didn't want Georgie to get into trouble, so I got behind the wheel before the cop walked up.
And then I got arrested, and he bailed me out.
So you all thought you should keep this from me?
Yes.
100%.
OK, here's what's going to happen.
You and you are staying at her house until I say otherwise.
One could argue I was a hero in this story.
You went gambling, and you drove without a license, and you lied to my face.
Heroically.
I love everything about this.
I'm guessing you're mad at me.
Oh, forget about it.
I appreciate you not ratting me out about the picnic.
Well, we had a deal.
Besides, your marriage is already hanging by a thread.
It is dangling there.
All right, well, I'm going to turn in.
Good night.
Night.
Hello?
Still got a load of this.
Last church picnic your husband snuck in a six pack, polished off the whole thing, then went to wait in line for the bathroom.
Hey, you got an extra toothbrush?
Under the sink, darling.
Thank you.
You got it.
So then the big gorilla decides he doesn't want to wait in line, so he stumbles over to the church vegetable garden and proceeds to irrigate the whole damn thing.
I've eaten those vegetables.
Sweet dreams.
Why don't we all go around the table and say what we're thankful for?
Come on, really?
Yes, really.
I'll start.
I'm thankful to be surrounded by my loving family.
What about that guy?
That guy, Dr. Sturgis, is part of our extended family.
And I'm also thankful for this warm and comfy home that God has blessed us with.
And this great neighborhood with my mom living right across the street.
And, of course, our excellent school system that provides our children with a world-class education.
Missy?
I'm thankful that there's two different Ghostbuster cartoons.
That's it?
Unless you know about a third one.
Okay, my turn.
I am so thankful to be able to watch my grandchildren grow up.
And I can't even tell you how much it means to me that y'all live right across the street.
And if y'all weren't, I would just be heartbroken.
And not just heartbroken, crestfallen and chagrined.
And I'm also thankful for my health, that that mole on my hip turned out to be nothing.
And I'm very thankful for John here, who has brought so much happiness to me.
That's it for me.
Oh, my.
Lovely mom.
Oh, my.
I don't know where to begin.
Well, first of all, I've Thankful to you Connie, for how you make me laugh, make me feel cared for, all the ways you're affectionate to me that I can't discuss in front of children because that would be inappropriate, right.
Right.
And I'm thankful to be here with your wonderful family.
Thank you.
Georgie?
Um, I'm thankful for my job at the auto shop.
Uh, let's see.
Oh, Alyssa Milano from Who's the Boss?
She's really hot.
That's about it.
That's wonderful.
Shelly?
I'm sorry, Mom, but if I answer that question, I'd be violating my experimental protocol.
Okay, moving on.
George?
Well, I'm thankful to share Thanksgiving dinner with my family, of course.
I'm also thankful for this fine country we live in.
And all the opportunities it provides us, especially when those opportunities come once in a lifetime and require taking a small risk and believing in one another.
We're really going to do this now?
Hey, you started it with all that school system crap.
I only did that because you've been trying to twist the kids' heads around.
All right, who talked?
Who do you think?
Missing.
Well, it doesn't matter because you obviously went to your mother and made her your stalking horse.
Of course she went to me.
Move to Oklahoma.
What's wrong with you?
Wait, we're moving to Oklahoma?
I thought Texans don't like Oklahoma.
You're damn right we don't.
What's wrong with Oklahoma?
I'll tell you later.
Okay, that's enough of this.
Nobody's moving anywhere.
Let's just have a nice, quiet dinner.
That's it?
You're going to make the decision for me?
I'm making a decision for us.
All right, then.
George?
George!
As we sat in silence, I had a horrible realization.
For the first time in my life, I didn't look forward to doing my homework.
Hey, what you doing?
Pretty much what it looks like.
Would you like some company?
Sure, I guess.
Of course, if you'd rather watch TV, I could leave you alone.
No, no.
No, it's a rerun.
But even if it weren't.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Keep going.
Mary?
George, I just miss my little boy so much and he's never going to come back because he doesn't need his mama.
Oh, baby, of course he'll come back.
Oh, you should have seen how happy he was.
All right, well, you still got Georgie and Missy.
Oh!
Smells like you had a good time.
How'd you like to go out for dinner on Friday?
Just you and me.
Why?
Because you're my wife.
I was your wife last Friday, and we didn't go to dinner.
Mary, I'm asking you on a date.
OK.
Is that a yes?
Sure.
All right, then.
If you did something stupid, I'm going to find out.
Sorry you're not having a good time.
No, I am.
This is lovely.
But can I ask, what prompted it?
Well.
Wayne and I were discussing marriage, and he was going on about how happy he is.
I just wanted to try to work on ours.
That's really sweet, George.
So they go on dinner dates like this?
Well, they do all kinds of stuff.
Line dancing and movie night.
You wouldn't believe what they got up to in their bathroom.
Where did they find the time?
Well, they don't have any kids.
Son of a bitch.
They don't have kids.
That's why they're happy.
George.
It's true.
You and I used to be way more fun.
That may be so, but you can't blame the children.
Oh, I can and I am.
Don't get me wrong.
They're great.
I love them.
But you got to admit, they do not make our lives easy.
I suppose there's a challenging aspect to them.
There you go.
Feels good to say it out loud, right?
Maybe a little.
Think about how clean the house would be if it was just us.
Oh, my.
So what did they do in the bathroom?
Did you tell him about protection?
Oh, come on, Connie.
Well, it's important.
What if he knocks that poor girl up and ruins her life?
Is that a swipe at me?
Well, it depends.
Did you knock up my daughter and ruin her life?
Wait, I know the answer.
Hey, for your information, Mary is very happy.
Robin's going to look so beautiful in this.
Your wedding's going to be perfect.
Great.
Thank you.
She won't have to go down to City Hall wearing the only thing that still fits because she's trying to hide the fact that she's pregnant.
Uh-huh.
She's going to get the wedding of her dreams.
If she cries on the dress, do I have to buy it?
Overnight, I became a wife and a mother.
I feel like I missed out on a lot.
Well, sometimes the Lord has his own plans for us.
And if it helps, Robin and I always talk about how much we admire you and your family.
Really?
Your marriage may have gotten off to a rough start, but if that's what it took to get where you are, maybe God knew what he was doing.
Mom took my cross away, and I have a game on Saturday.
Why would you do that?
She's out of the slump.
She was being sacrilegious.
Mary, this is sports.
When something's working, you do not mess with it.
I'm not changing my mind.
God is not a good luck charm.
Well, how about all the players that kiss their crosses before they go in the batter's box?
They can take it up with their mommies.
So she's finally hitting good, and you're going to let her go with that game all up in her head?
Her relationship with God is more important than getting some hits in a baseball game.
This is perfect.
They're mad at each other just to eat off of us.
Thank you.
I had no idea what was going on.
Mary, give her the cross back.
When she is ready for it, I will.
I have a bunch of crosses in my jewelry box.
You can take any one you want.
I don't want another cross.
I want my lucky cross.
And that is exactly why she is not ready.
Let's say grace.
Bless us, Lord, for the food we are about to receive, and bless the hands that prepared it.
Amen.
Amen.
Can you believe this?
Boy trophy, boy trophy, boy trophy.
All I see is my trophy wife.
Nope.
OK.
Look, the only girl trophies are for cheerleading, soccer, and golf.
So buy Missy a golf trophy and tell her it's a skinny band.
George.
This poor girl has been watching her brother win awards since he was three years old.
I'd like for her first one to be special.
Because you think it may also be her last one?
I didn't say that.
But you thought it.
Yeah.
You want to tell me about this?
It came a couple of weeks ago and since there's no way he's going to California, I didn't see the point in him knowing about it.
And what were you going to tell me?
What difference does it make?
This says to the parents of Sheldon Cooper.
Last I checked, that was me too.
You are making a big deal out of nothing.
This could be a huge opportunity for him.
I should at least be told about it.
OK.
Now you know.
You think you get to make these decisions all by yourself?
In this case, yeah.
Well, you don't.
He's not just your son.
He's my son too.
He didn't feel like your son when he had chicken pox or every morning when I have to make his lunch.
He felt like my son when I took him to Caltech, where he clearly impressed a lot of people.
So you just want to ship our baby boy off to California to live by himself?
I want to be included in decisions about his future.
If that means California, maybe I'll go with him.
He is not going anywhere.
You can go as far away as you want.
I should have shown you the letter.
Yeah, you should have.
I was going to eventually.
Sure you were.
You should know Caltech wasn't the only school that sent one.
Are you kidding me?
Well, one was in New Jersey, and one was all the way in Germany.
Well, who says he can't go to school in New Jersey?
I don't know, maybe we'll all move to New Jersey.
We're not moving to New Jersey, George.
Well, I guess Mary has spoken.
Don't start... You know this is your fault.
You're the one who read the letter.
You've been in her nightstand.
I was only looking for a flashlight.
It's not my fault Mom was hiding things there.
They're fighting because you're a freak.
That's your fault.
You know I'm right.
This is about what's best for you.
Where are you going?
Sleep on my couch.
Oh, baby, come here.
I want Dad.
Come on.
Let's get you back in bed.
So George is mad at me, and Sheldon is mad at me.
And honestly, I'm mad at me too.
Will you please give yourself a break?
All that you do for that family, I am surprised you didn't crack years ago.
How do you handle it all?
I'm sitting in a chicken coop drinking a wine cooler at 11 AM.
Clearly, I don't.
Well?
I guess our baby's going to college.
