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Negative people are who they are and you are who you are.
Whenever you allow someone to get inside and skew your own emotions, that means their negativity is one.
The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Shetty.
Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty.
Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose.
Thank you so much for showing up for yourself, being here for me and trusting me.
I'm so grateful that I get to spend the next 30 minutes with you.
Now, usually at this time of year, we're spending a lot of time with family.
We're spending a lot of time at gatherings.
We're spending a lot of time even with our co -workers, maybe their social events.
And one of the number one questions I get asked is, Jay, how do I deal with negative or toxic family members and or co -workers?
Now I'm sure you've asked this question at some point in your life.
And sometimes it's not because there's anything specifically wrong.
There's just always been one family member who you're almost scared to see, right?
Maybe there's a colleague at work who you're always uncomfortable around and you're trying to rush any meeting with them or any interaction with them.
Maybe there's a family member who always asks you uncomfortable questions.
And any of these mean this episode is for you.
Now, if you're at all like me, you like to surround yourself with people who radiate positive energy, people who without being unrealistic, treat setbacks as opportunities for learning and self -reflection.
And let's be honest, even I struggle with that.
So I'm not saying we want to find people and only be around people who are positive and fake positive because toxic positivity is as bad as toxic negativity.
Sometimes it's even harder.
But the truth is there will always be highs and lows, right?
And there's always going to be certain people that we find it challenging to be around.
Now, when we're around these negative people, you exit these encounters feeling a kind of contagious darkness, this sad realization that you and that person perceive the world through two radically different lenses.
This is really apparent when it comes to our coworkers.
We probably all know someone, probably more than one, who insists on putting the most negative, critical, cynical spin on everything they see.
The way we dress or the way we cook or the way we clean, the quality of our professional work or the report we turned in or something we said on Slack.
It doesn't matter what it is.
These people seem to feast on making us feel less than and it usually works too.
First things first, let's define what we mean when we say that someone is negative or toxic.
The first thing I want to specify is there is no such thing as a toxic or negative person.
What's happened is that person has built up their negative habit, a negative pattern, something they've repeated over time that has now become their reality and their personality.
But there is no such thing as a toxic person.
There is no such thing as a negative person.
We almost take on the color.
We take on the shade of what we're immersed in or what we're focused on.
What I find is that so many of us have just been so lost in a negative spiral for so long.
Our pattern has not been interrupted.
It hasn't been broken for so long that we feel that is who we are and we feel that is who people are.
Now, sometimes it becomes easier to label them this way because it makes it easier for us to make decisions.
But I just want to get that across.
There is no human that is inherently that way.
They have just been hurt or been practicing that method for a long time.
Now, let me talk to you about the different types we meet.
The first is the pessimist.
This person has a suspicious, paranoid, accusing perspective about everything.
They might like to think of themselves as cynical and sophisticated.
But all they are is contemptuous in a childish way, contemptuous of other people's feelings or imperfections, contemptuous that others don't meet, much less ever exceed their expectations.
The worst part of all is that pessimists experience themselves as taking the moral high ground.
I know you know what I'm talking about.
They think ahead and see things that you don't.
They can pinpoint the 100 different ways something will go wrong, whereas the rest of the world in its naivete has no idea.
They are innocents who insist on seeing life through pink lenses.
If you add their brain, experience and forethought, you might understand that he sees things as they really are, whereas you see things as you wish they were.
Now, it can be really draining and tiring to be around a pessimist.
They're always looking at what's going wrong.
They're always looking at what might not be quite right.
You go to a wedding, they're complaining about the food.
Right? You go to a birthday party, they're complaining about the entertainment.
They're finding a way to put a downer or whatever it may be.
And hey, if you're like me, I've been sucked into this before.
I've actually been sucked into it where I've started to do the same.
How many of you have ever felt that?
Well, you actually start to behave that way.
Now, the second one is the complainer.
For complainers, everything is wrong.
Off, floored, not good enough.
Sloppy, amateurish, two inches too high, two inches too low.
You didn't bring the right napkins.
This soup isn't seasoned right.
Did you forget to turn the heat on?
Why didn't you send that report at five sharp?
And you're like, it's now five oh three.
What's the matter with you?
As everyone knows, it's a lot easier to complain and criticize than it is to create something.
It's far easier to pass judgment on others than to take a personal risk ourselves.
That's the nature of the complainer.
It seems they won't be happy until they're able to point out who, what and where it all went wrong.
One of the things that I've found really, really helpful about this is asking the complainer what their highlight was from the last night.
And if they don't have one, sharing one of your own.
So let's say you're talking on the phone the next day or texting the next day and they go, oh God, did you see what they were wearing?
Oh God, wasn't last night a bore?
Just be like, well, I can understand how it was.
But this was one of my highlights.
What was one of yours?
All of a sudden you've turned it without making the other person feel bad, without discrediting them.
And by the way, I'm not saying to ignore people's feelings.
If there's a valid feeling someone has about not enjoying someone's company or an emotional experience, it's great to let them air it out.
I just find that often we've done that for too long with these individuals.
We've almost encouraged and enabled them to have a place to complain consistently.
And now they're not aware of it.
Now they actually see it as a way of bonding with you.
Maybe you've become that person that they can complain to endlessly.
It's great to ask them what's the highlight.
It's great to check in with them about something they enjoyed.
You can change it up if you allow yourself to.
Now the third is the eternal victim.
They're passive. They always feel sorry for themselves.
Always feel as if the world has personally conspired against them.
Rarely are they the protagonists of their own lives or the ones who reach out and make plans or email you or suggest the two of you get together.
If you do make a date, they spent the entire lunch talking about what's gone wrong with their lives and how it will never get better because that's just the lot in their life.
Now this person is always talking about how someone screwed them over.
How they're the ones being left behind.
How they're the one who has been given the short end of the stick.
Right? They're that eternal victim.
By the way, some of you may be listening to this and realizing as I often do, hey I have some of these traits in me.
And that helps us be compassionate and empathetic towards those individuals.
To realize this is something that could happen to each and every one of us.
And if you're feeling like you're like this right now, it's important to recognize how we may be turning people off from wanting to spend time with us.
I find that so many of us are unaware how much we play the victim card.
The next is the energy drainer.
When you go home to visit your parents or sit with a colleague at lunch time, sometimes it's hard not to feel you're face to face with a vampire.
Someone who sucks out all your enthusiasm, vitality and optimism.
Someone who takes and takes while giving nothing back.
And who never wants things to ask how you're doing.
You leave these encounters feeling like you're fleeing one of the dementors from Harry Potter.
And that your soul if not your entire being has been inhaled by a third party.
And there can be a number of ways people energy drain.
They switch conversations without focusing on one.
They never ask you about yourself.
They answer all your questions as if it's a free therapy session.
They are constantly trying to place their weight or the weight of their decisions on you.
It almost feels like you're having to carry them through life without getting any benefits, support or friendship back.
Now the next one, they're just good enough.
These are the people who remind me of the old quote credited to the singer Janice Choplin, who once said, you are what you settle for.
These are the sorts of negative toxic people, remember not people, but habits, who never seem to want to get better or take risks or migrate outside of their comfort zones.
Or whether it's because they fear failure, lack of self -esteem, or don't want to change.
It's incredibly hard being around people like these.
Nor if it's a family member or a work colleague, can you dodge them?
They're your family.
It's your workplace.
The truth is negative people are calling out for attention.
They want to feel loved because very often, deep down, they don't love themselves.
I was talking about this with a friend just today that everyone on the planet, everyone in the world, is seeking significance.
We want to feel like we matter.
We want to feel like life has meaning.
We want to feel like we belong.
And when we don't feel that way, maybe by our own doing or by the community we're in, we often become negative and bitter.
And we use that as a way of gaining that significance.
If my life can be that bad, I'm more significant.
Maybe the only way to feel significant is when we complain to someone, because all of us only respond to someone who complains.
How many of us know a friend who we don't turn up for, because we know they're fine by themselves?
But we all know a friend who we run to help because they're always complaining.
Now, in this same way, they crave respect because often they don't respect themselves.
They want to feel in control and prepared for any circumstance or eventuality that might take them by surprise, because the alternative makes them feel almost vulnerable.
Now, think about how you respond to positive people, people who lift you up, who smile and make jokes, and don't take life all that seriously.
They make you feel connected, happy, seen.
Negative people, on the other hand, not only make us unhappy, they make us doubt the way we see the world.
We're social beings.
It's natural for us to care about others and to care what they think of us too.
It's one reason why being in love is such an exhilarating sensation, and why it's doubly hard being around people whose negativity, excessive anxiety, lack of trust, or all -encompassing pessimism is so challenging to respond to.
Whether it's a parent who discourages us from pursuing our passions and dreams, a sibling who tells us that going on the roller coaster is too dangerous and will fall and break our necks, or a work colleague who gives you dirty looks across the room, being around negativity and toxicity chips away at our
happiness, confidence, and well -being.
But I want to make a distinction here.
There is a difference between someone being negative to try and protect you, and someone being negative when they're trying to hurt you.
Often our parents and our family members are trying to protect us.
They want us to be safe.
It's not that they don't believe in our dreams.
It's that they don't want us to go through the things that it takes to get to our dreams.
Listen to me carefully.
It's not that your family doesn't believe in your dreams.
They don't want you to go through the pain that may come if you pursue your dreams.
Sometimes people want to protect you, not hurt you.
Don't misunderstand their protection as their projection of your potential failure.
They don't think you're going to fail.
They don't want you to fail.
They're just worried about how you will feel if you fail.
It's important to remember that.
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Here are some tips and strategies for how to deal with negativity and toxicity.
And we'll begin with our families.
You've just arrived home for the long weekend.
Eager to tell your parents about what's going on with your life, your job, your partner, your future, your hopes, your dreams, and whatever else you're in the mood to share.
That night during dinner, your brother who's been out of work for the past six months starts making cutting comments about your hair, your outfit, your apartment, your dog, and about how you were always the successful one in the family, weren't you?
A half hour later, a perfectly nice dinner has been turned into something that makes you want to run from the table and hide under the bed.
Or imagine that it's Monday morning, and you've come to work early, full of ideas and enthusiasm about what today and the week ahead might bring.
Immediately, a coworker sides up to your desk and makes a face.
Did you see that comment on Slack?
Is your horrible boss in yet?
Did you notice it was raining and see that the news is uniformly bad and the whole world is going to hell, so what's the point of doing anything?
Within seconds, you're aware of a radical downshift in your own mood.
Instead of feeling excited about being at work, you've entered the same gloomy ecosystem inhabited by your colleague.
Your enthusiasm is now officially shot.
You may even start thinking, she's right, work is bad, the world is terrible, and I need to grow up and face facts.
And even worse, there's nothing I can do.
The way negativity can catch, like a cold or a virus, will come as no surprise to researchers.
Studies have come out showing that social media accounts that traffic and negativity have fewer followers, and a report from Stanford showed that the negative reader comments you see under articles typically damage the entire reader community.
So what should you do?
The easy answer is run.
But the truth is, 9 times out of 10, that's not always possible.
Here's the first step that has made the biggest difference in my life.
If you don't love someone's behaviour, try to understand their context, their story, not what they're saying, but how they got there.
As Oprah would say, ask them what happened to you, and sometimes you may not get to ask them directly, but think through that.
Treat them with understanding and compassion.
Almost all negativity originates in fear, the fear that others won't love or respect you, or that catastrophic things are about to happen.
Imagine what kind of childhood or adult experiences this person might have had to produce and recreate these feelings.
When you think about it, doesn't it follow that they would transpose their own frightened internal voice onto anyone else with an ear shock?
Imagine the internal pain of someone who tells you not to pursue your dreams, because they're liable to fail, or discourages you from taking risks, or refuses to trust anyone because chances are, they'll end up betraying you.
Thin skins, judgement, criticism, risk aversion, seeing dark motives in everyone, a belief the future will go badly, and the need to control the behaviour of everyone around you are symptoms not of a sophisticated world view, but of a hurt, damaged person.
And while I'm not saying that you can do their healing or therapy for them, it's important to realise it's also not about you.
Rather than think about how their negativity affects you, imagine what it's like being inside a brain like that, 24 -7.
Once you consider their behaviour from that point of view, you'll realise that the negativity they show the world likely pales to their own self -criticism.
And that's what leads us to the next point.
Remember, it's not about you.
Now how is the hurtful comment my sister just made about the way I laugh or the remark my co -worker delivered about the condition of my desk not about me?
It's not, and I'll explain.
Negativity is a bias that sweeps up everything in its path, a negative remark directed to you may feel personal, and in many ways it is.
But that doesn't mean it's personal to you.
It's worth thinking of negativity or pessimism as a pair of glasses your sister or work colleague came into this world wearing, lenses that were darkened further through difficult experiences, or feeling frightened, or out of control.
When I say it's not personal, what I mean is that negative people are negative about everyone and everything, not just you, and it begins with themselves.
What role are you willing to play in your relationship with a negative toxic person?
It's time to decide.
This is a big one, and remember no family or workplace is perfect and drama happens everywhere.
Let's say you're home with an older sibling who's having issues with your mom.
He comes to you and every word out of his mouth is negative.
Mom does this, mom does that.
I know exactly how mom will respond if I don't or if I do.
This makes you uncomfortable, but you don't know where to turn.
Come on, it's your brother.
But for your own mental health and wellbeing, it's important to determine your role in this dynamic, one which psychologists call splitting, meaning that you're being asked to divide up your loyalties.
Are you the designated middleman?
Is there anything productive and positive you can do?
Or is this between your brother and your mom?
The answer, the latter.
Whatever is going on between the two of them has nothing to do with you.
It's poisoning your relationship with both of them, and if they want to talk about this, they need to do it face to face.
You might also need to set boundaries with your mom if she brings up your brother.
Tell her that you don't feel comfortable talking about his issues with her and that they should engage in a conversation directly.
One of the biggest mistakes we make in relationships is we think we can save people.
You think you can save the relationship between your mom and your sister.
You think you can save the relationship between your brother and his best friend.
You believe you can save the relationship between your parents.
You cannot save any relationship that you are not in.
Remember that you can't save a relationship that you're not in.
And sometimes you can't even save the one you're in because you're only 50 % of the story.
So it's so important that we take off that pressure for us to solve, save, fix whatever we think is broken, and recognize we can be supportive, but we can't solve.
We can be supportive, but we can't save.
That's not our role.
Take off that pressure, give yourself some space and grace.
And hold fast to your own power.
Don't let negativity seep through your firewall.
Remember, negative people are who they are and you are who you are.
Whenever you allow someone to get inside and skew your own emotions, that means their negativity is one and that you've given it too much power and influence.
Remember always that you're in charge of the way you feel, the way you see the world, and the way you interpret the world.
Yes, you may be wrong, and every now and then the negative person has a point to make that you may agree with, but be careful about relinquishing your identity and power to a family member or colleague who has an axe to grind.
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Sometimes life can seem challenging and overcoming problems can seem impossible, but when you focus on your problems, it can keep you from seeing the good in your life.
One thing that helps me when I need a change in perspective is acknowledging the small wins in life.
I encourage my team to pay attention to small wins because it helps them see positive outcomes and the steps that they're achieving on the road to a bigger goal.
Use the power of small wins to shift your outlook and you will start to see positive changes.
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When someone gives you negative, instead of giving them positive, give them reflective.
That's the step they're missing, is reflection.
If your mom or your coworker says something snarky about you, refuse to be drawn into the exchange.
Respond instead with a reflective remark.
And that reflective remark could be, have you thought about it like this?
I read something really interesting that shared this, what's your thoughts on that?
Now they may give another negative remark, but you've planted the seed of reflection.
You can also respond with a positive about them.
If someone says something bad about you, you can say, mom, where did you get that beautiful scarf?
Or those shoes you're wearing are amazing.
If a colleague says another depressing day outside, consider sharing with her how nice it is to have a break from endlessly sunny days.
Our rain makes you feel cozy or one of your favorite memories.
Instead of collaborating with their negativity, you might mention the things you love about your work.
Then usher the conversation back to the workplace.
If they persist, you might tell them that your hands are tired and there's nothing you can do.
Sooner or later, people start to get the message that their negativity has not been enabled, which in turn makes them be reflective and maybe figure a different path.
It's important to also create distance and boundaries.
In family situations and in the workplace, creating distance sounds easier than it probably is.
In many scenarios, we have no choice but to engage with moms, dads, siblings, colleagues, and bosses.
When I suggest creating distance or a firewall, sometimes physically this just isn't possible.
But that doesn't mean you can't do it emotionally.
You can be perfectly pleasant and perfectly polite while letting toxic comments roll right off your back, remembering always that those comments have less to do with you than they do with the person who's delivering them.
You can even do this physically.
If you know your brother is about to start talking about how he hates everybody and everything and your cubicle mate begins rolling her eyes, feel free to excuse yourself from the table, move to another seat, or position yourself next to a colleague who sees the world differently.
When all else fails, there's honesty.
If you just can't take it anymore, I always recommend honesty.
With a co -worker, you might say, you know, every time anyone comes up with an idea, my experience is that you have a different response.
Is there a reason for that?
And maybe, you know, everyone starts to notice it to the point where people start to disengage and not share their ideas.
Now, that's pretty harsh and direct, but sometimes it's needed.
And I wouldn't discount it because you're scared of a tough conversation.
What you should be considering, though, is are you the right person?
Is it the right time?
And is it the right moment?
How can you not come across as if you're accusing them, but actually raising it to help them?
I think that's key and tone.
If you say you do this and you do that, it's different from saying, have you seen or recognized that there are a few people feeling this way, speak about other people's feelings, not your feelings or not them as the problem, but there being certain patterns and habits that need to be changed.
Thank you so much for listening to today.
I hope you enjoyed today's episode.
I look forward to you joining me again soon and pass this one on to a friend or a family member who may need it right now.
If you love this episode, you'll love my interview with Dr.
Hahn, on understanding your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past.
Everything in nature grows only where it's vulnerable.
So a tree doesn't go over.
It's hard and thick, does it?
It goes with soft and green and vulnerable.
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