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Fake friends want you to say yes even when your soul is screaming no.
Real friends respect your no because they care more about your peace than their plans.
Fake friends want your agreement even when you see the world differently.
Real friends want your honesty because truth matters more than comfort.
Fake friends need your validation.
Real friends can handle your challenge because fake friends are only loyal to your compliance.
But real friends...
They're loyal to your authenticity.
The number one health and wellness podcast.
Jay Shetty.
Jay Shetty.
The one, the only Jay Shetty.
Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose.
I'm your host Jay Shetty, and I'm so grateful that you've joined me today.
Whether you're cooking, whether you're walking your dog, whether you're at the gym, whether you're commuting to or from work.
I'm so thankful that you're spending this time with me.
Make sure you subscribe to the channel so that you never, ever miss an episode.
Now, I feel like I'm at that age where the conversation around friendships is back.
I feel like we talked a lot about friends when we were in our teens.
And I'm at that point in my life right now where I know that some of my friends are feeling a bit screwed over by other friends.
Other friends are feeling like people are not showing up for them.
Other people are starting to figure out who people really are.
And it's strange, when you've had someone in your life for 10 years, 15 years, maybe even less than that, where you start to think about was this person ever really a friend?
Were they a fake friend?
Did they have different agendas?
Did they have different motives?
Did they have different intentions?
How did we even connect?
Wait a minute, why did I trust this person?
If you've ever had any of those questions before, this episode is for you, because I'm gonna break down the subtle signs between real and fake friends.
Now, the truth is no one's a fake person or a real person.
It's just how they are with us.
Sometimes you'll find that someone is really good to someone else and they're not great with you.
So this isn't about people as a whole, but it is about the behaviors, the patterns that you've seen, the patterns that you've experienced, so that you can learn to protect yourself and have a stronger filter, have a stronger set of boundaries.
So the first one is this.
Fake friends want you to say yes, even when you want to say no.
And what I want you to do is watch how they handle your no.
See, here's the thing.
Fake friends, they get sulky.
They may get distant or even manipulative when you set a boundary.
A real friend, they'll actually respect it when you say no.
Maybe they'll tease you, but they don't withdraw their love or respect for you because of that.
Now, there's some psychology behind this.
When someone respects your boundary, it's because it's tied to secure attachment.
See, the thing is that fake friends, they perceive limits as rejection.
So when you say hey, I don't want to go out at 10 pm tonight, I want to get an early night, they see that as you saying I don't want to spend time with you.
Other people when they hear a boundary like you know what?
Actually I'm not sure I want to drink for the next month.
They're thinking that's an invitation to see if they can get you to come out.
So the challenge is that a real friend is trying to listen, but it also requires them to potentially have secure attachment from their background.
So sometimes someone's not a fake person.
They're not a bad person.
It's just that their wiring has made them insecure.
And now they're projecting that insecurity onto you.
Now that doesn't mean you have to deal with it.
It doesn't mean you have to tolerate it, but I want you to understand it.
See, someone with secure attachment is reliable without suffocation.
They show up when it matters, but they don't need to be in your pocket 24-7.
An example is they'll check in if you're sick, but they don't demand constant updates throughout the day.
Another one from a real friend is that they'll respect your boundaries.
They don't guilt you when you say things like, no, I don't think I can make it.
My plans have changed.
Things have shifted.
They'll be like, totally fine.
We'll catch up later.
We'll figure it out.
It's someone who allows you to feel comfortable.
How many times have you ever had it where you're actually scared to tell someone that you can't come to an event, a party, a gathering, whatever it is?
It's your friend.
It's someone that you should know really well.
It's someone that should understand you.
And you might have a legitimate reason or you might have the worst reason, but it's your friend.
You should be able to tell them.
That's a clear sign that you have a real connection with someone that you can actually share.
Hey, you know what?
I'm just not feeling it tonight.
I do want to show up for you.
But hey, is there another way I can show up for you this week?
Tonight's just not going to be it for me.
And a good friend will understand.
And by the way, you'll understand when they do the same for you.
That's why good friends, real friends, experience comfort with absence.
Time apart doesn't weaken the bond.
How many times have you experienced where you reconnect with a friend after months?
And they're good friends, and that's why it's just easy.
It's almost seamless.
You pick up where you left off.
But when someone's not a great friend, they remind you of that.
Oh yeah, you haven't reached out to me in four months.
Oh, you know what?
You didn't reply to me immediately.
Oh, you know what?
It's been four hours since I text you.
It's a really interesting thing because the truth is, hopefully you have a connection enough that that person should know you care about them and you know they care about you.
But when that's used against you, that's when it starts to cause issues.
The other aspect of it that's really important is something known as balanced support.
They don't just comfort you, they challenge you to grow.
This is something you have to allow.
It's something you have to invite.
If every time your friend gives you feedback or your friend gives you insight and you reject it, guess what?
You're actually rejecting them from saying uncomfortable things to you.
Now, there is a difference.
Is someone sharing something with you for you to get better, or is someone sharing something with you to look better?
Sometimes your friend will give you feedback to make you better, but sometimes someone will give you feedback to make themselves feel better.
This is an intention and energy thing where we have to learn to check in with ourselves, to check in with them and recognize whether they're coming from a good place.
If they're coming from a place of making you feel bad, to be more powerful to control you.
We don't want that kind of person in our life.
But if they're coming from a place for you to grow, for you to be better, you want to be open and invite that.
A lot of us close it off.
A lot of us make people feel bad for sharing great feedback.
A lot of us make our friends feel like we don't have space for that or room for that.
And all that leads to is a less honest, less transparent relationship.
Now I do want to share that a lot of people's attachment, whether it's secure or insecure, could be based on their childhood.
John Bowlby, who's a psychologist, who's the attachment theory founder, found that secure attachments in childhood predict trust and resilience in adulthood.
So if someone's had a tough childhood and they haven't experienced that from their parents, it's less likely they're gonna have that with you.
And in friendships, this translates into predictable safety, right?
You don't fear abandonment.
They don't experience betrayal or rejection or constant judgment.
Research shows securely attached adults are better at conflict resolution, empathy, and forgiveness.
This is why I keep saying there's no fake person.
There's only people who have experiences that have made them harder at dealing with these things.
Again, that doesn't mean it's an excuse.
It doesn't mean you tolerate it.
You still have to protect yourself, but it's good for us to understand it.
Fake friends want you to say yes, even when your soul is screaming no.
Real friends respect your no, because they care more about your peace than their plans.
Fake friends want your agreement even when you see the world differently.
Real friends want your honesty because truth matters more than comfort.
Fake friends need your validation.
Real friends can handle your challenge.
Fake friends prefer the version of you that's easy, polished, and agreeable.
Real friends embrace the version of you that's messy, complicated, and real.
Because fake friends are only loyal to your compliance.
But real friends, they're loyal to your authenticity.
The second way to know is fake friends keep score and real friends, they lose count.
Now, a fake friend will say, I bought you coffee last time.
A real friend will say, don't worry, I've got this one.
Or actually, if they really did get you coffee last time, you'd be the one to say don't worry, I've got this one.
Think about that.
Healthy bonds operate on generosity, not ledgers, right?
Fake friends remember what you owe.
Real friends forget what they gave.
If I asked you, can you list off All the nice things you've done for your friend in the last 30 days?
I'm sure you don't know.
I'm sure you can't remember.
If someone said to me, what were all the nice things you do?
I'd have to really rack my brain to push to find those things.
I'd find them.
But it's not something I'm thinking about.
It's not something I think about when I text them.
It's not something I'm thinking about when I call them.
It's not something I'm thinking about when I'm with them.
A good friend is not thinking about all the good things they've done for that person.
And the same way is back.
They're not thinking about all the good things they've done to you.
If anything, a real friendship is when you're talking to someone.
In your mind and heart you're thinking of all the amazing things they've done for you.
And they're thinking about all the amazing things you've done for them.
You're not there thinking about all the amazing things you've done for them.
And they're not there thinking about all the amazing things they've done for you.
It's all about the gratitude and reciprocity.
Well, you're there in your head going wow, I'm so grateful to have such a good friend.
And they're feeling the same.
Now, this is counterintuitive.
We think debt is only financial.
But social debt I did this for you, so you owe me is the real trap of fake loyalty.
And there's psychology behind this.
This is called scorekeeping behavior in relationships.
Genuine friendships thrive on communal norms giving without expectations while fake ones operate on exchange norms, transactional give and take.
When you're keeping score, you always feel like you're giving more.
Let me say that again.
When you're keeping score, you always feel like you're the one giving more.
And psychology calls this the self-serving bias.
We tend to overestimate our own contributions and underestimate the contribution of others.
You remember all the things you do right, but you forget all the things you do wrong.
You remember all the things that they do wrong and you remember none of the things that they do right.
Scorekeeping is competitive.
It's all about who's doing more, who's giving more.
But real friendship isn't about competition.
It's about collaboration.
It's thinking as a team.
If everyone on a team is thinking about who's doing more, who's doing less, You can't win.
But if everyone plays their role, that's when you get a chance.
If, over time, one person feels like the debtor and resents it, the other feels like the creditor and grows bitter.
Fake friends remember what you owe.
Real friends forget what they give.
Fake friends keep score.
Real friends lose count.
Fake friends hand you favors with strings attached.
Real friends give without conditions.
Fake friends treat kindness like currency.
Real friends treat kindness like breathing.
Fake friends loan support to be repaid.
Real friends invest love with no return expected.
Fake friends give to gain.
Real friends give to grow.
One way to know the difference between a real or a fake friend is share the good news and watch the micro reaction.
We've always talked about how a good friend is someone you can reach out to in the time of need.
When someone shows up for you when things aren't going well for you, that says a lot.
It says a lot about them.
And you shouldn't forget those people.
But you know what's really interesting?
A real friend is also someone that you want to talk to when you're winning, when you're doing well, when things are going great.
How many times have you thought about calling someone or texting someone about a win, a promotion, a little win, a small win in your life and you actually held back because you thought I think this person might be a bit triggered by it?
Now hey, if they're going through a really difficult time right now, that makes you a good friend to think about that.
If we're thinking about how our actions can agitate and trigger and upset other people because of what they're going through.
That makes us a good friend.
But at the same time, a great friend of yours will want to hear about your wins, unless they're going through something really, really difficult.
And that's what it takes.
It takes two people to really understand the nuances of what friendship requires.
But when you're getting to know someone, this is a great rule to use.
Share good news and watch their micro expressions.
A fake friend will have a delayed smile.
They'll have a quick subject change or a subtle undercut, right?
They might say something that kind of makes it seem insignificant.
A real friend has genuine excitement.
Follow-up questions, they're curious and they match your energy.
Micro-expressions reveal envy faster than any words can mask it.
Now here's the true question.
Can you be friends long-term with someone who envies you?
Here's the answer.
Yes, but only if their envy evolves into respect and learning.
Envy has a cousin called study.
They're both the same thing.
In one sense, you're admiring someone else, but in envy, you wish you had it.
Whereas in study, you want to know how they got it, right?
In envy, you think, I wish I had that.
I deserve more.
I can't believe they got it.
Why not me?
In study, you think, how did they get there?
I hope I can learn from them.
I hope I can grow with them.
Envy at its root is corrosive.
It's wanting what someone has and potentially even wishing that they didn't have it.
Psychologists call this malicious envy.
It eats away at trust because deep down, someone's secretly rooting against you.
But there's another form of envy that is more common.
The kind that says, you inspire me and I want to rise to your level.
That kind of envy can actually strengthen a friendship.
It becomes fuel.
The danger is this.
Envy always puts a crack in the glass.
If that person doesn't deal with it, resentment leaks through.
And over time you'll notice subtle jabs, muted applause or that quiet satisfaction when you stumble.
So the real answer is you can be friends with someone who envies you, but only if their envy becomes respect or becomes support.
If it stays envy, you'll never feel safe because envy doesn't clap for you.
It competes with you.
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A real friend isn't threatened when good things happen for you.
They celebrate with you and even use your success as motivation to push themselves forward.
A fake friend feels uneasy when you succeed.
They may smile, but deep down they're wishing it happened to them.
A real friend asks, how can I support you?
A fake friend asks, why not me?
A real friend claps loudly when you win.
A fake friend claps softly or not at all because your win feels like their loss.
A real friend grows with you.
They're inspired by your growth and want to rise alongside you.
A fake friend resents your growth.
They want you to stay the same so they don't feel left behind.
Real friends see your success as shared joy.
Fake friends see your success as their personal failure.
Again, I want to point this out.
If you're a real friend too, you'll be mindful of agitating or hurting someone.
I was talking to a friend recently.
They were really excited that they got pregnant, but they knew that one of their friends had just had a miscarriage.
So they were mindful in how they shared that news.
Does that mean the friend who had a miscarriage was a bad friend because they couldn't be excited?
Of course not.
They were going through something extremely tragic and difficult.
And so we have to realize that good friend requires understanding on both sides.
I think we live in a culture right now that goes well.
If you don't show up for me, then we're not good friends.
But did I show up for you properly in that moment, in the way you needed me to as well?
You've got to take that into account.
The next one is that fake friends make you feel like you're not enough or you're too much all at the same time.
Real friends make you realize you are just who you are.
A real friend's going to be like, hey, sometimes you can be annoying.
Sometimes you are the most frustrating person to be around.
But that's not too much.
And it's not not enough.
A fake friend will say, you know what?
Sometimes you're just too much.
You're just too much.
A fake friend will be like, yeah, I don't think you're good enough at that.
I don't think you could do that.
There's no openness.
A fake friend is also someone who tells you you're amazing and you can do everything.
A real friend goes, hey, have you thought about this?
And that is so much dependent on us as a friend.
Are we giving them that space to be that way?
It's not just how people are.
It's how we allow them to be.
If we want to be surrounded by everyone who says yes to every one of our ideas.
That's what you'll get.
Then you can't be mad that you don't have honest friends.
But if you're someone who allows for someone to say that to you, you're going to have much deeper relationships.
But maybe you've had this.
Maybe someone said to you, you're too sensitive.
You're not enough, whatever it may be.
The truth is a real friend will be like, hey, this is the reality.
This is what you look like.
Sometimes you're great.
Sometimes you're not great, right?
Unconditional positive regard predicts healthy bonds.
Real friends never make you feel too much or not enough.
Fake friends make you question yourself.
Too loud, too quiet, too needy, too distant.
Real friends accept your highs and lows.
Fake friends only want the easy version of you.
Real friends let you show up unfiltered.
Fake friends make you edit yourself to keep their approval.
Real friends remind you that who you are is enough.
Fake friends leave you feeling like you always need to be someone else.
Now this is probably the biggest one.
Observe how they talk about others.
Fake friends, they constantly gossip, especially about people that they call their friends.
A real friend may vent occasionally, but they don't undermine or betray someone's confidence.
Now, here's the behavioral cue.
Gossip about others is future gossip about you.
Remember that.
If someone's gossiping about others, that means in the future, they will probably gossip about you.
And what we do is we use gossip as a way to bond.
It's the easiest, lowest form of connection.
If we both don't like the same person and we bond over that, that is the lowest form of connection.
This is known in the Bhagavad Gita as something known as the mode of ignorance, where we connect over negativity fear ignorance anxiety, right.
Where we're getting connected because we both hate the same person or don't like something about them.
A step up from that is something known as the mode of passion.
It's when you bond with someone because you have the same goals.
You want to do the same workout, you want to build muscle, you want to lose weight, whatever and you both want the same thing.
You want to be successful.
Higher than that is when you connect with each other because you want to create peace in each other's lives.
You want love, joy, connection.
That's what you want to share.
Those are the three types of relationships.
We've got to be really careful about the bonds that are made over gossip.
If someone bonds with you by talking badly about others, The unspoken truth is they'll do the same with you.
Research shows negative reciprocity.
How people behave towards others is how they're likely to behave toward you.
It creates something known as shallow intimacy.
Gossip feels like closeness because you're in on the secret.
But it's not about you.
It's about someone else not being there.
Psychologists call this pseudo intimacy, quick surface level closeness that doesn't last at all.
It actually spreads anxiety instead of safety.
True friendship lowers stress.
Gossip does the opposite.
It plants suspicion.
You wonder, What do they say about me when I'm not there?
Gossip activates the brain's threat detection system, putting you on edge instead of at ease.
Trust theory shows that once you see someone betray another, you subconsciously mark them as a betrayer.
Fake friends talk badly about others to get close to you.
Real friends talk about you to get close to you.
Fake friends use gossip as the glue.
Real friends use honesty as the glue.
Fake friends share secrets that aren't theirs.
Real friends protect the secrets you trust them with.
Fake friends bond over tearing people down.
Real friends bond over building other people up.
Fake friends have you wondering what they say about you when you're not there.
Real friends make you confident they defend you when you're not in the room.
Another way you can tell is that fake friends want the best from you and real friends want the best for you.
Now, fake friends' loyalty is conditional on your usefulness.
Real friends don't care whether you're useful.
They appreciate you.
Now, this is the difference between instrumental versus intrinsic relationships.
Shallow bonds are transactional.
Deep ones are values-based.
A real relationship is one that is built on values and vision.
If you have a similar vision, you have similar values, you have a powerful relationship.
If you don't, but you might think you do, because some of that aura from your values and vision can kind of feel intoxicating sometimes.
Fake friends may just want your connections.
They want your network.
They want to know how you got there and that's all they want.
Real friends just want you to be happy and they enjoy your company.
And how I think that adds up is that fake friends disappear when you change and real friends, they grow with you.
I'm sure in your life, you're at a place where you've changed so many times.
You probably changed since you were at college.
You changed since you were at high school.
You changed now that you're married or you've got kids or whether you moved to a new city.
You've changed in so many ways.
A real friend wants to know.
Why are you changed?
How are you changing?
They're curious.
You don't have to like the same thing.
Now, this triggers parts of people because they don't want to grow.
They might be scared about it too.
So you've got to be compassionate and patient.
I think that's one of the most important things is that if you're changing and growing fast, if you can be compassionate and patient for others, they may catch up with you and you give them the opportunity.
If we don't, you can just intimidate people and scare them.
Again, it comes down to both.
If someone's scared of your growth, it doesn't mean they can't be a good friend.
It's about you also giving them the patience and grace that you needed to get to where you are.
I hope that these principles give you a better radar and also help you recognize that it's not really as black and white.
I talked about real versus fake friends to give you a sense of that. but it's not as clear cut.
The reality is it requires a lot from us to be a good friend as much as we want others to be.
And that comes from understanding.
It comes from having difficult conversations.
It comes from creating space.
It comes from being three steps ahead and waiting and being four steps behind and hoping someone waits for you.
I really hope this episode helps you.
I want you to share it with a real friend.
I want you to share it with someone that you're struggling with, to have a better conversation and connection.
Pass it on.
And remember, I'm forever in your corner.
And I'm always rooting for you.
We talk about his sobriety journey and so much more.
He gets really personal.
I can't wait for you to hear it.
It's going to blow your mind.
The quote is if you have a problem with me, text me, and if you don't have my number, you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me.
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If you've ever felt off balance, sometimes a change of scenery is the best reset.
Delta invited four creators to explore one idea.
What if travel isn't just movement, but recharging in motion?
And the results?
Based on their Aura Ring sleep scores, everyone met the day feeling more rested.
And a sense of clarity stayed long after the trip.
With Delta, fly and live better.
Explore the whole journey on Delta's YouTube channel.
This is an iHeart Podcast.
