My name is Timothy Oliphant.
And I feel so wonderful about being Conan O'Brien's.
It's almost as if I was given a beach house, but one that I don't frequent.
It's true.
Fall is here.
Hear the yell Back to school.
Ring the bell, Brand new shoes walkin' loose, Climb the fence, books and pens.
I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
Hey there and welcome to.
Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.
I'm sitting here with Matt Gourley and Sonam Obsession just put some, what'd you put on there?
Chapstick.
Chapstick.
Okay, not a gloss.
Is there a difference between a gloss and a chapstick?
Of course.
I don't know.
I actually don't know.
One is gloss.
Okay.
And the other one lubricates.
I would think a gloss would lubricate as well.
The gloss also lubricates, but the gloss glosses.
I don't understand.
You're not allowed to use the word in the definition.
But that's what it does.
What does the door do?
It's literally what it does.
It opens the door.
What?
A door is a thing that opens so that the door is open.
The door opens the door.
That doesn't even make sense.
The door doesn't open the door.
You open the door.
The knob opens the door.
Stupid called and said, it's you.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Stupid called and it said, just kidding.
I'm Conan.
Damn it.
You won.
I don't know how to say this.
She won.
She won.
I know.
I couldn't believe that she did that.
I just don't know how to say this, but I quit.
Well, I think you know how to say it and I think you just quit.
But I think you'll be back because we have the best- What does quit mean?
Well, you quit.
No, you can't quit.
You're not going to quit.
You're not going to quit.
It's like the mafia.
You can't leave.
You know what I mean?
You can't leave.
I want to leave.
Yeah, you're going to be in the front seat of the car and you'll be wondering why Conan's sitting in the back.
Every time I'm out there, pull me back in.
Pull me back in.
Wow, that's a great Stalker Channing.
So anyway.
Wow.
Okay, Nixon impersonator for every single.
I resent that remark.
Is that Stalker Channing?
I was in Greece, and then I was in six degrees of separation.
I was on the West Wing as President Bartlett's wife.
I'm Stalker Channing, and I am not a crook.
That's how good my impressions are.
I definitely quit.
I think everyone's quitting with you.
All our listeners are quitting as well.
You know, we have to keep this intro short today because the guy who's on today talks.
He talks and he takes over.
But every word is gold.
We want him to.
He's handsome.
He's cool.
Adam and I talk about this.
He brings an element of chaos to this podcast that I think what you normally do to us, he does to you.
Maybe.
And there is such a sweet, like, revenge, right?
There's a feeling of just justice happening.
It's like Freddy Krueger gets his in the end.
I think he's one of my favorite guests that we ever have because of what he does to this show.
I think the other thing is, I think he and Kevin Nealon are in the same category.
They're chaos agents who have no respect for me.
Right.
And they just go for it.
The fans are always delighted when these guys are on, either one of them.
And yeah, he's so smiley and genial.
And yet there's this contempt.
I don't know.
He's also like masculine, but like a pixie from another world that comes in and just kind of messes with everything you know.
I get no masculinity from him.
Oh, i get a lot of are you kidding none?
Yeah yeah yeah, i get it, but no, i think he's so handsome yeah, he is, and he's different than being masculine.
It's not just being handsome, he's like cool yeah, and he's like you know he could do.
I feel like he could do everything he He's in Deadwood, my favorite show of all time.
I love that he always comes in wearing sandals.
Yeah.
Sliders, man.
Sliders.
Okay, yeah, that's right.
He has small hamburgers tied to his feet.
No, this is going to come up.
And he...
Small hampers.
See, he wouldn't say that.
I think it's funny.
I think it's very funny.
I know you do.
Can I just say something?
I clean up pretty nice.
You do?
I think a lot of people wonder, if you put a Timmy Oliphant next to me, you'd be like, oh, whatever.
They're both handsome.
Okay.
Why are you making this about him?
Because none of us can compete with what he is.
We can say he's handsome.
You can also be handsome.
He can also be handsome.
But he also has like I don't think any of the comments are going to be like.
I wish Conan talked more.
Like, I don't think that's going to be like a criticism.
It's not like people are going to light up the switchboards and be like can you not have Timothy Olyphant on again?
Because I wanted to hear more Conan. shut Timothy Olyphant up and more Conan.
I don't think that's just, I just don't think that's going to happen.
I've never heard him so quiet.
I know.
And you guys are friends too.
That's the part that probably stings the most is you guys are friends, right?
Remember in Goodfellas when they're playing poker and then Spider?
This is the third time this has come up on this podcast.
Yeah.
But it's important.
It's important.
Okay.
Because it relates to this moment right now.
Okay.
Spider finally talks back to Pesci.
Right.
And everyone's laughing and loving it.
Yeah.
And Pesci's just staring at Spider.
Yeah.
That's what's happening right now.
Are you going to tell me shut up called and told me it's me?
I'm going to pull out a gun and pull the trigger and the gun is going to say shut up called.
And it's you.
Do you know that when that happened, and Spider, the guy who plays Imperioli, Michael Imperioli his squibs went off the blood packs and he crushed a glass with his hand during the take?
So they had to rush him to the hospital because his hand was bleeding.
But they rushed him in the hospital and the doctors freak out because they thought that he had been like machine gunned.
Because of the squibs.
Because of the squibs, yeah.
And that's just another movie fun fact by your podcast co-host Matt Gourley.
You know what I love?
You're the guy here that's supposed to keep us on time.
Yes.
Keep us on track.
I'm in the Timothy Olyphant mode, man.
All of this led to that one fact.
It was our plan all along.
I got more.
Wait till you hear about Frank Sinatra and Die Hard.
I'll concede the following points.
Tim Olyphant, one of the handsomest fellows you'll ever see.
Fantastic actor.
Yes.
And a spectacularly funny guy who's also cool at the same time.
And I give him all of that.
I give him all of that.
And he's nice to all of us.
Come on, that's overrated.
He is.
He's really nice to everybody.
I could be nice to you if I wanted to.
What does that mean?
Um...
He comes in.
There are two types of guests.
Everyone's nice.
Everyone's polite.
But there are two types.
Those that come in and they take in the room and they like bring people in and he brings people in.
Yeah, he does.
Goldblum was like that.
Oh, yeah.
Harrison Ford.
Yes.
Kesha.
Oh, yes.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, I think they pick up on my energy, which is very well.
This is not about you.
I know.
No one's talking to me.
Conan, my name's Conan.
No, this is the least about you this podcast has ever been.
It really is.
This is going to be the least you ever speak.
Conan, Conan, Conan.
This episode is going to win the coveted Conan Award.
All right.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's okay.
You forgot the most important part.
Here we go.
Let's get into this.
My guest today has starred in such shows and movies as Matt Garley's favorite of all time, Deadwood.
Justified, which I also love, and Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, a movie I adore.
I'm a Quentin Tarantino freak, and I love that movie.
Now you can see him in the new FX series, Alien Earth.
Very excited to chat with him today.
He's one of our all-time favorites.
Timothy Olyphant, welcome.
We hang out, Timothy and I, I call him Timothy because we're close, Timothy Oliphant.
We hang out.
Not long ago, I hung out with you and we wandered around.
We looked at some of your artistic endeavors.
You're a very artistic man.
I want to get that word out there.
This is my third time here on the podcast and I see nothing has changed.
I love it.
I wasn't sure because I knew it's gotten big.
Yeah.
Huge.
Huge.
You know I listen to it.
I don't listen to it, but I read the transcripts.
He goes to the library and checks out the transcripts.
That's so good.
And it's so good.
It's this part where you're talking.
That needs to be improved.
It just needs a...
Who edits it?
Matt, right there.
Matt, you're right here.
Yeah.
You're seeing what I'm seeing.
Uh-huh.
Nobody stops him.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You should hear what I cut out.
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
Really?
Long hours.
Long screeds.
Yeah.
We're trying to substitute someone in, you know, swap them out, but the name's in the title.
I've been honest. about my affection for Timothy Oliphant and maybe my man crush.
And then I find out today that there are two gentlemen in this room who join me in those feelings.
I might even supersede you.
Okay.
Why don't you go?
I was told by Matt and by Adam.
I love those guys.
Yeah.
And what is it about the Timothy Olyphant episodes that seem to resonate?
He just disassembles it and deconstructs it and takes over in such a lovely way.
Episodes of this show.
Yes that you've done, wow that you've been on.
Don't set me up, man.
No, come on, we're only.
This is only.
We're like five minutes in.
Yeah yeah no, we call you never miss oliphant.
So i guess the pressure's on, go ahead.
You're doing.
Yeah, fill that, fill that space.
Where are you going with this O'Brien?
The name's Conan O'Brien.
You'll use my full name as I use yours, Timothy Oliphant.
A lot of excitement.
C is for comedy.
Exactly.
O is for ooh.
N is for mm, mm.
A is for ah.
And N is for no.
Okay.
Who's more chill than this guy?
He walks in in flip-flops?
Those are slides.
They're slides?
Okay, I'm sorry.
What's the difference between a flip-flop and a slide?
How long you been in California, Boston?
I don't know.
I don't look down.
Talk to me, Boston.
No one wears these in Boston.
I told you once I was walking in the streets of Boston and some guy lovely came up and just said hey man, love your work.
Say hey to Conan.
That is what I want out there.
I want anytime Tim goes someplace, I want people to be shouting me out.
Didn't break stride, that guy.
No, they got a lot to do in Boston.
It's as good as it gets.
He had to get to a Duncan as fast as he could.
I'm just going to hope and trust he's listening and he knows that I'm talking to him right now when I say that's as good as it gets right there.
He's from Medford.
That was pretty good.
No, there's a lot of affection for you, Timothy B. Oliphant.
I don't know your middle name.
I just made that up.
It's close.
Is it?
D. Close enough.
Look at him drink.
It's incredible.
Play-by-play.
You've added play-by-play?
And he set it down onto a little rubber coaster.
Who picked these coasters out, by the way?
I think it's for sound.
I picked the coasters out.
For sound, Adam, right?
These are for sound.
Does Adam remind you at all of Michael Cera?
Do you get a Michael Cera vibe from him at all?
Thank you.
Thank you.
With stronger hands, I'm strapping Michael Cera.
Yeah, exactly.
Right there.
You know, fantastic having you here.
It's good to be here.
Thank you guys for having me.
I couldn't be the first to return again, but the second or fifth, seventh?
Oh, I don't know.
He's the first returnee.
That's a good question.
Bill Burr?
It might have been.
I think it was Bill Burr, right?
It might have been Bill Burr.
But you, I mean, what do the fans say?
God, I thought you guys would have this readily available.
I didn't mean to hold up the show.
Yeah, we have all these facts at your fingertips.
How much water do I displace when placed in a tank?
Tell us, Adam.
What are the fans, what's the reaction?
Because we get a very strong reaction.
I always assume negative when Timothy's on, but apparently it's not.
No, no, no.
It's universally positive.
It's universally positive.
And they love too that it's a different, it's a whole different kind of episode when he's on it.
Yeah, because he's a rascal.
Because he comes in and he just takes over.
He's a rascal.
Last time he did the introduction himself.
You weren't even a part of it.
He made me leave the room.
You know what he is?
He is a rascal.
Rascal implies, and I say it like that, rascal.
And I don't mean the device that some older people use to get through the mall.
I mean, in the oldest timey sense.
And cut.
He is.
He's a scamp.
You're a scamp.
How you been?
You're a lovable.
We haven't seen each other in a while.
I've been good, you know, staying out of trouble.
How about you, man?
How's it going?
Really?
That's how quick?
Yeah.
How about this weather?
I like to get the ball out of my court so fast.
How have I been?
I've been fine.
I've been okay.
I've been good, you know, and I don't think there's much going on in my life, you know, just here podcasting.
What?
There's a lot always going on in your life.
You're constantly doing things.
You're a very busy person.
I haven't seen you in a while.
And then if you say nothing's been going on, then all I can do is take offense to that.
Aren't you flying on Thursday to go do Toy Story?
I'm flying today.
Oh, see?
There's a lot going on.
You're doing Toy Story?
Toy Story 5.
Number 5?
Yeah.
Guys, that's always the best one.
Oh, yeah.
Friday the 13th, part 5.
Yeah.
Death Wish number five.
Best one.
It's always like the first one's amazing.
The second one's like, it didn't really need a sequel.
The third one's like, what are they just trying to grab the money?
But the fourth and then the fifth is when it's like, oh, that's what I'm banking on.
That's what they were trying to do all along.
That's what they were reaching for all along.
And you're a part of that.
I was excited because when they approached me, the impression I got was that I was going to be the face of the franchise now.
That's the impression I got.
Right.
Maybe they are using your face because they're all little funny toys.
Okay, that's not nice.
That's not nice.
Got cruel.
Got cruel.
I didn't realize.
Don Rickles has stopped by.
A taste of your own medicine, man.
I don't think so.
Really?
I think I'm a kind man.
Okay, I appreciate that because it felt like it hurt a little.
No, it didn't hurt.
That's what we deal with from him all the time.
He's calling him Michael Cera.
Nothing against Michael Cera.
Michael Cera?
Why don't you apologize to Michael Cera?
I meant it as a compliment.
I think Michael Cera's a very good looking guy.
So did I. So what the fuck are you talking about?
Michael, I just want to know if you're listening.
Nobody took it that way.
Um, i uh brian, he's a regular honest, be honest.
It was a slam, total slam.
Whenever I see someone who's really sick, I say what happened to you, Michael Cera?
I visit, like, wards where people are very ill.
And I go, hey, a whole room full of Michael Ceras here.
Let me circle back.
Always kills.
They laugh really hard and they all die.
Let me circle back.
Oh, my God.
It occurs to me I'm in show business, and he might be listening.
I'm a huge fan.
Yeah, me too.
Huge fan.
Yeah, me too.
And I think he's handsome.
Hey, Scott Dobram, that's one of my favorite movies in the last 10 years.
Great movie.
Well, it's longer than 10 years.
I think it's 11.
Yeah, and then he wrote a little one, went to the Oscars.
Got that guy an Oscar.
That guy.
Culkin.
What one of the coltons i know?
He knows which one.
I'm a fan of his as well.
God damn it.
You're talking about jesse eisenberg.
You just yeah, that's not michael cera.
God damn it is that eisenberg.
Do you ever get outside?
Oh wow, you spend so much time laying out in the sun deciding which slides you're gonna wear today and how you're gonna.
Okay, should i saunter or swagger?
I'll go with Santer today.
You know what?
I want to take this opportunity now to say I'm a fan of both those guys.
You're going to go far in this business.
You're going to go so far.
God damn it.
I want to come back as this guy.
I'm all in my head, freaked out all the time.
And then, right?
I will say I mean from where Eduardo and I are sitting.
No offense, it is kind of like a before and after picture.
Oh, Jesus.
Wow.
What are you doing?
Well, I don't want to pull Eduardo into this.
I'm not cosigning.
All right.
Well, I'm just saying, I was just thinking.
Yeah, I'm before the accident and he's after the accident.
Well, I'm just saying.
That's the only assumption I can... It's kind of like Captain America.
It's like Steve, you know, before and then he goes in a thing.
Look at his hair.
Look at his great hair.
This is cool.
This is the greatest hair in show business right there.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Okay, I guess you guys both have great... I'm just going to stop talking.
You know what?
You... There's a reason.
He's tan, you're pale.
I'm just saying it kind of... He's really... Look at his biceps.
You know what?
Just check yourself out for a little while and go think about what you did.
So sorry.
You actually have a little color.
I feel like you've been in the sun.
I have been a little bit in the sun, but you would be shocked at how little I've been in the sun.
Right.
I can do this in five minutes.
This was just from the car into the studio?
Yeah, probably was.
This is reflected light.
Forgot your umbrella?
This is the light from my night.
From my clock radio at night.
From your iPhone.
Yeah.
You're a lovely man.
Thank you.
You're a man.
I'll tell you something.
I know you don't like to be complimented.
Is this you keeping this on track?
Yeah.
There's nothing on his notes.
Look at the notes I have.
These are my notes.
It has the date at the top.
Nothing on these notes, because you know what's so funny.
That's it today.
I'm not helping you.
My assistant my sorry sona, but the assistant who really does stuff um, he handed me the notes for tim oliphant and i was like what are you talking about?
And it is just a page of nothing.
I think there's written in invisible ink just conan plus timothy, all over.
Come on, hit me with some questions.
You swam competitively wow, at usc, and my question for you is do you still?
I know you don't just get a body like that, you jump in.
Well, i'm sorry, you say it like that's true for once.
I agree with you exactly.
So what's the regimen?
Are you up every morning?
Are you in the pool every day?
Are you in the pool every day, Timothy?
You want a question?
You just want a question.
He can't stop himself.
Literally, all he had to say there was, do you still swim?
I like the way I did it.
I mean, are we worried about filling the time?
How long is this thing?
It's about two minutes left.
We're experimenting with real short ones.
That's almost enough time for your next question.
I want to know.
You can answer a question.
I swam this morning.
I know you did.
I could smell the chlorine when you came up the stairs.
That's possible.
Yeah.
Yeah, so I'm this morning.
Yeah.
You got a follow-up?
Yeah, I do.
When you swim, do you strap weights to your legs and why not?
I think you would build your legs and also the possibility that you would drown would go up like 40.
How about you?
What's your exercise?
What'd you do today?
That's good of you to ask.
I did weights this morning.
I did weights.
I know, I know it doesn't show, but I did some chest.
I did some bicep.
I did a lot of crunches.
I do a lot of crunches.
Two guys over their 50s talking about exercise.
Nobody is sexier than that.
Two guys talking about exercise and what hurts.
I want to be able to get onto a toilet and off a toilet.
That's a lot of my exercise.
I have a fake toilet in my exercise room and I get onto it and I get off of it, and I get onto it and off of it.
Do you ever occasionally accidentally use it?
No.
There's been some confusion after a few drinks.
So you did weights today?
I did weights.
Yeah.
I did weights.
Weights.
People probably want to know how do I get Conan's body?
Well, it's called don't be ill as a child.
I admire you, Tim Alphant, and there's been some excitement.
I know usually we don't talk about what you're up to on this podcast and you're going to try and derail this as best you can.
No, no, I'm all in.
But you're involved in a project right now.
You're involved in a project that I've known about for a while.
Is this the toothpaste?
Nope.
Nope.
Okay.
This is not the toothpaste.
Okay.
Think again.
There's a lot going on.
It's in a recyclable.
The Oliphant urinal.
It's in a recyclable.
You want to pee on Timothy Oliphant?
Well, now you can.
Celebrity compost.
Yeah, exactly.
Celebrity compost.
Did I tell you about my celebrity compost?
Oh, look at these roses.
Oliphant.
They should do something where you have to figure out which celebrity's compost is this.
Can you imagine?
But it's really close to the deteriorated state.
But people can still look at it like an expert, can still guess.
How do you get your hydrangeas that full?
Yeah.
That's Clooney's, you know, that's what he throws out.
That's what he throws out.
Celebrity compost.
This guy's excited about your project.
Talk to me.
He's very excited.
Gorley, tell him.
This is the first question you asked today because you're coming out of your skin over this.
I do.
I love the Alien franchise.
I'm excited.
I don't know what you play.
Are you a synthetic?
Do you bleed milk?
What are you doing on there?
First of all, thank you.
I'm glad you're excited.
Okay.
Number two, I do play a synthetic.
That's a real stretch.
Now, wait a minute.
This guy playing a synthetic human.
Hey, we're talking.
What do you want to know?
We're talking.
Are you a good synthetic?
A bad synthetic?
Are you saying you're one thing and then you're the other?
Because that's the real rich history of betrayal.
Yeah, ruin the movie for us.
I'm sorry, the TV show.
Yeah, when is this little puppy, when is this thing air?
It's coming out right around the time that your new FX series, Alien Earth, comes out.
Look at that, you really are running the show.
I do what I have to do.
I appreciate that.
And your publicist will thank me.
They'll say thank you for cutting through the bullshit, the cruel jibes and jests to get to Timothy's project, because this is an exciting one.
And also, Deadwood's my favorite TV show of all time.
That's very kind.
Thank you.
You're amazing.
Thank you.
I would have a TV show as well.
Oh, did you?
Yeah, Late Night with Conor O'Brien followed by... It doesn't ring a bell.
What's this podcast called?
It's him and Jesse Eisenberg.
I'll never forget it.
Not that long ago, you and I met up as we do when we like to prowl the bars, and you had very different hair and you were headed off to Thailand.
Or just come back from Thailand.
Thailand.
What's that?
Yeah, I was in Thailand.
Yeah.
Is that what I said?
Yeah.
No, sorry.
I thought I'd stop you.
Oh, it's never better.
Yeah.
Never better.
Okay, so he's in your favorite show, and he's beating up on the guy you hate the most.
Well, he's my favorite guest because yeah, because he gives us the freedom to do like there.
For us, go him, or what's that phrase?
You know what I mean?
What?
There for you go me.
Did you go to college?
Yeah.
I have a master's degree.
There but for the grace of God, go I. No, that's not it.
No, that's not it.
Blake, no one steps in.
You know, Harrison Ford was here and told him to shut the fuck up.
And so did Tom Hanks.
And Tom Hanks did it too.
And you know what?
You're amazing.
You always step in and go, excuse me, I think you meant TNT.
No, we didn't mean...
Anyway.
You know what I mean.
He comes in and he makes it okay for us to just, he takes over and we can just relax.
You know what I mean?
A little bit like he does what we normally have to kind of do.
You guys have to be like the stop gap against the madness.
It just occurred to me, Hanks, that's how he got into Toy Story.
He pulled some strings.
Yeah.
He pulled some strings.
Well, I wish I had.
Nice.
I was disappointed to find out that Hanks is in it.
I didn't think he would be.
I thought they would have moved on from the Woody thing.
And I thought I was the main focus.
And then I find out that all those guys are in it.
I'm sorry.
And I was thinking, well, what am I doing here?
You know, what's the point of bringing in the big gun if you've already got those guys?
Yeah.
Let's keep talking about your stuff.
Toy Story 5 comes out, I believe, June 2026.
That's always the best one, guys.
That's always the best one.
They went as far as they could without me.
What are you playing?
What are you?
I don't want to talk about it.
I'm a synthetic.
I bleed milk.
You're a little action figure?
We'll see.
Be honest, the two of us, Oliphant, O'Brien.
I'm ready to be honest.
Okay, no, no, but seriously, the two of us in something together.
Why have we not monetized this relationship?
Every time we hang out, you say, let's figure out a way to monetize this friendship.
Yeah, I do.
And then.
Yeah, I'm always on a. And I'm Wade.
I'm always on a Zoom.
Yeah.
With faux Michael Cera over here.
And we're figuring out a way to try and let's get some coin out of this, you know.
I think it's like a midnight run situation where you're a cool, loose cannon cop and you're an accountant that he has to take across country, or something like that.
You know, you're handcuffed together.
No.
No?
I think I am... Okay, I'm out of ideas.
A porn star, you know?
A guy who's known for having a big Johnson.
And then this guy comes along and he's like, oh, teach me.
What do you think, guys?
Yes, and...
I know.
I think it'd be, we got something.
And clearly I would be very happy to play some kind of subordinate role.
I mean, I get it.
You're the movie guy.
I'm not that guy.
But I think there's a project out there.
There's a short film.
There's something we do together.
I love that.
I see.
I always assumed you wanted, you, you wanted first billing.
No, no, you're okay with being, I would totally.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I would have spoke up.
We, I have ideas.
So the only thing stopping you, I was like, I would get top billing.
Yeah.
I was like, no, no, I'm, I'm going to count pages.
I'm deluded, but I'm not that deluded.
I'm deluded in many ways, but no, I think this would be something that you drive.
I mean, you've got it all.
You're a leading man.
You're a character actor.
You've got it all.
Can we be like just a little short, little five-minute things?
No, I want longer than that.
Do they still do that?
You want to like full on, yeah.
Yeah, I want it to be like at least 25 minutes long.
My ideas are all about the length.
Mm-hmm.
It's like, I've got it.
It's 28 minutes.
And then I don't know what it is.
But I do think us together, that's a magical, there's something here.
It's not peanut butter and jelly, but it's like peanut butter and then almond butter together on a sandwich.
Yeah, and I feel it.
There's something here.
And by the way, it's here right now.
It's here now.
People feel it.
Yes, they do.
They do.
There's an affection, but there's also an animosity.
And when those two come together, it's like when they cross the streams in Ghostbusters.
We got you Gourley back in the conversation.
Tell us about it.
Ghostbusters, that's what brought you back?
I mean, what do you want me to say?
I don't know.
Isn't this where you go, well, it don't cost us dreams.
It's a tripartite stream.
You're right, you son of a bitch.
Not a fan of his.
Wait, did you just say that about me?
Not at all.
I meant the microphone.
Do I get to speak my truth at some point?
No.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
You admire me and this is all an act.
I said desperately.
I'm imagining you coming over here and getting in your head about this because it's you.
You're like, I'm going to be talking to Conan.
Yes, it's okay.
Okay.
Oh, me?
Yeah.
I do get a little nervous.
Why do you get nervous?
I'm not even, I don't know, but the show business, I get a little nervous.
I was like, yeah, I got a thing.
What am I going to talk about?
Should I plan some bits?
I like bits.
You do like bits.
I saw Smiley down there.
I was like, ah, why didn't I do a pre-interview?
Frank Smiley's show.
Frank Smiley's in the building.
It'd be great if we did pre-interviews.
And we had planned all of this.
Whatever the fuck it is we do, we had planned this out.
I don't like the people feeling like we're wasting their time, which...
That's what this was.
I remember the first time you came on, you had written an ad and you just interrupted the interview to do your own ad.
I did.
I brought my own ads.
It was great.
I had some bits.
I did my own ads.
Appreciate your memory.
You bet.
Yeah, and I thought, oh, I could bring ads again.
People love ads.
People love the ad bit.
They do.
Feel free to make one up at any time.
Just bring all the bits back.
I mean, you can always make something up whatever you want to promote.
You can promote a product that you want to be involved with.
Oh, that's a great idea.
You know what I mean?
Like I don't know if you want a Rolex watch or you want a Maserati, you start talking about it and maybe you manifest it.
That's smart.
Yeah.
What's your next question?
Do you have questions?
What are some of your questions?
What have you always thought?
I want to ask Tim this next time I see him.
You've been in a fight, a real fight.
Not since I was quite young.
Like how young?
Fights, is that maybe high school, junior?
High school, right?
Somewhere around there, junior high school.
But like, were you really- Or maybe, yeah, somewhere around there.
But even then, were you shouting, not the face, not the face?
I want him to be an actor, you see.
He is good looking.
We shouldn't hit him.
Yeah.
I would shout why, not the face, and they would say why.
You would shout, the face, the face, the face.
You might rearrange things in a more pleasing manner.
Yeah.
How about you?
I was the, I got my face punched in in Boston once down the North end.
Yeah.
Near what was then the, I guess it might still be the aquarium.
Yeah.
Welcome to the friend of mine.
A bunch of kids came over.
They said, give us 50 cents.
I said, I don't feel like it.
And in the time when I finished saying, I don't feel like it, that I got hit so hard in the face.
I think once, maybe twice.
But anyway, shattered my nose and went to the emergency room.
Yeah.
And they had to remold.
They had to make a nose out of scratch.
Yeah.
And that's been my nose.
And my mom, I think it looks the same.
I think it looks fine.
No one's ever said anything about my nose, but my mom for years afterwards would go.
I know my mom would go.
You used to have a beautiful nose.
And I was like, mom, it's, I think it looks the same.
I've seen photographs, but she would do that.
Oh, you used to have, oh, you could have been something with that.
And I'm like, well, I think I've done okay.
But anyway, yeah.
I think your nose is nice.
I think so too.
How old were you?
I was 18.
18?
Yeah.
So the 50 cents part, that was made up?
Yeah.
No, that was real.
Back then, 50 cents was the equivalent of $50 today.
No, it was 50 cents.
I'll never forget that.
Really?
I think he didn't want the 50 cents.
I think he wanted to cave my face in.
Hey, give me 50 cents and let me hit you.
I was told later that I was.
I think I was wearing a It's kind of a cool line.
Yeah, hey.
Hey, give me 50 cents.
Give me 50 cents.
Boom.
Yeah.
It's funny.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's funny.
Anyway, that's my story.
I tricked you into me talking about me.
You asked me.
We rolled the tape back.
It's about the third, fourth time.
Yeah, but you said, how about you?
That was your deadly error.
That was your mistake.
Oh, you're right.
You're right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
My mistake for pretending to care.
Let me ask you do you like it when just you and I go out and we involve the wives sometimes beautiful Alexis and beautiful Liza, we involve them.
But do you like it when it's the four of us, or do you really like oh, it's just me and Conan man?
This is gonna get off the hook.
Do you get more excited when it's just the two of us?
Because I know I do.
I think we all know that you do.
Yeah, you didn't have to say it.
We all knew that.
I think they get more excited when it's just the two of us.
We get to stay home and watch Below Deck.
You have to listen to these idiots.
That's a fair question.
My wife told me to give you a message and ask about Liza and her family, and don't let me forget that.
Because I realized we jumped right on the air.
All right, I will do that.
We will discuss that.
Everything's good.
Everyone's fine.
That's nice of you to ask.
She's fantastic.
I love your wife.
She's an amazing person.
She's also... I just... I love her art as well.
I've seen her crafting her, did you guys?
It sounds like you want to be her.
No, just to wake up every day.
I love her.
He's right there.
I love her as well.
I don't know.
I love her.
Am i wrong?
And and and um and uh, we love your wife and so she makes she.
I feel like liza.
Uh, both our wives have in common.
Uh, they make us look better.
I think that's fair.
I think Sona put it best in my regard.
She said once about Liza, she's the only part of you I like.
That's my favorite thing about you, for sure.
Yeah, he can't be that bad.
Liza, right?
Yeah, exactly.
Exactly.
Yeah, she's a redeeming quality.
It's like you chose a running mate to make you electable.
Hey, she got me Texas.
She got me Louisiana.
Exactly.
Yeah, that's about right.
She picked up some swing states and I won.
Yeah, you think I don't sit here with a list of questions.
I usually just let it happen.
And I think that's the charm of this podcast.
Oh, yeah, this is happening.
Well, I think it is.
You know, you keep, you know, and you do this every time.
You question the process.
You question my methods.
And we always end up with a good pod.
I love it.
You're a chaos agent in the best way.
That's what I like about it.
It shakes this podcast up.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I appreciate it.
It's good to be here.
Let's get started.
We're out of time.
I just want you to be happy.
That's all I've ever wanted for you.
Oh my gosh.
That's all I've ever wanted, for you to be happy, you know?
Who are your buds?
Who are your pals?
And let's exclude me for a second.
But this is a guy, this Tim Olyphant, this Tim Olyphant's a guy who's loyal to his old pals.
He's loyal to his old friends.
You have friends from back in the day, back in the late 50s when no one lived out in LA.
You wouldn't, you had your switchblade in your back pocket.
You'd drive around in a 50- I was texting him all this morning.
We were getting texts this morning from my buddies.
Oh, this guy also, he loves a jazz fest.
Oh man, does he love to go to New Orleans and see a bunch of jazz and live music.
And he wears a scarf around his head and he dances around.
He's always saying, you should come with us.
And I think, no, I don't want to.
Oh, yeah.
I did mention you would enjoy the- I don't know, would I?
Yeah.
A lot of gumbo and I don't know, but that's my thing.
It's good food, good times, good music.
Okay.
I didn't go this year.
I think Pearl Jam was there this year.
I think they headlined.
They do jazz now?
Jazz Fest has, don't make me explain Jazz Fest.
I'm just going to say, I just pictured Eddie Vedder on stage going.
Wow.
Crowd walking out.
I love the way you play to them when you go off on these things.
I try to crack them up.
I just want you to know, you can't.
I love it.
I can't look at you when I'm doing this shit.
The only reason we're on this show.
All I see is judgment.
This is my impression of you doing this show.
So you like, do you go to, you go to Jazz Fest?
I can see the...
I've thrown my neck out turning to them.
Let me ask you, who are your buds?
He's got bugs.
He's got bugs.
They get kegs and they hang out at the canal.
Well, come on.
Yes.
Come on.
Get me.
Get me.
That's what the people like.
Come on, man.
He's going to make quite a Reddit sub stack.
He's doing it again.
Is that a thing?
I don't know.
Sub stack.
Reddit sub stack?
I don't know.
I don't know this world you guys are in.
I don't know what a sub stack.
I just know there is a thing.
There is a thing.
Yeah.
I don't know what that is, though.
No, you're too cool to know about it.
You got your slides.
You've got whatever you've been working on lately.
Paper mache volcano, whatever you've been crafting.
You're asking about buds?
Yeah.
Just who are my buds?
Well, you're friends with people from way back in the day.
I'm friends with- You're a loyal guy.
I'm going to start shouting them out.
So yeah, since I was like, yeah, my buddy since I was like six.
I'm going to write these names down.
Stoll.
You've met him?
I've met some of them.
Yeah.
My buddy Stoll, Steve Stoll.
Yeah, Steve Stoll.
Hey, Steve Stoll.
Exactly.
Smithers.
Yep, Smithers.
Smithers.
Now you're just going to Simpsons characters.
Bennett just texted me this morning.
Yep.
JB.
Yep.
Got a nice text from him.
Yep.
I did an episode of the show Stick.
Yes, stick.
Yeah, it's really... Owen Wilson.
I know my episode aired last night because I got texts from a bunch of buddies that just said nice ass.
Oh, you showed your ass.
By the way, not my ass.
Oh.
And...
Oh, I'm so excited this came up, because there's nothing better to me than like when you see the Hollywood Reporter and the story is like not Oliphant's ass in stick.
You realize they have nothing to talk about.
And the Hollywood Reporter.
Right, right.
And it was a cover.
Did they take reference photos of your ass and jeans and try to match it with someone's bare ass?
No, this is how it works.
So I got the gig, which is a great gig.
I enjoyed the hell of it.
I'm going to preface the story with that.
Owen Wilson.
Oh, can't, can't get enough Owen Wilson.
So I, it's always something right before you start a job, there's always a little drama somewhere.
And this was a small one, but right before, I think I was about to get on a plane.
Uh, they're like Hey, you have the scene and uh getting spray tanned, and they think it'd be funny if you were naked.
Are you okay with that?
Or, you know, is that a problem?
I asked Alexis.
I said, hey, they want me to be naked and see my ass in this thing.
And then...
She's like, well, what's in it for you?
You know what I mean?
She's like, nowadays, if you're naked on TV, you're basically naked on the internet.
They've kind of ruined it, right?
And it makes me so mad when actors are naked on mediocre shows.
I'm so mad.
I was naked on ALF.
That was ALF.
You were Al's body.
My dick was out.
That's what I was getting at.
For two seasons, my dick was out because the puppet got lost.
The contract dispute.
Anyway.
I'm so happy I brought that.
This whole story led to that.
But listen, so... And that's a win.
But your wife said, best not to show your ass.
She was just like, what's in it for you?
Everything gets on the internet and then it's just your ass on the internet.
And also... And this is where she sold me.
She's like, also... you know, you could leave.
You don't have to, you know, they can shoot that and you've left the set and you just will go out.
And I was like, oh, there you go.
Yeah.
So I was like, so yeah, I won't get, you have to get a body double.
Yeah.
Cause I was like, yeah, that, that buys me an evening.
Right.
I leave while they shoot that part.
And then you show up and the body doubles there.
And I was like, it's not in that great of shape.
Like it should have gotten me like a nicer ass, I felt like.
But it turns out he had a great ass actually.
It just didn't, you couldn't tell.
So it's really great.
I think, and now in fact, I'm changing my story.
That was my ass.
Now that I think about it.
Is his headshot just his ass?
I wonder.
His naked ass?
But it's also the naked ass as a chef, the naked ass.
It's that one that's four, you know, four photos.
Nerd, jock, chef, policeman, ass.
See, if I'd done the pre-interview, I really would have punched that up with Smiley, that story.
It would have been really good.
I thought it was good.
You thought it was okay?
Yeah, I thought it was great.
We would have missed the other thing.
You're the best.
Yeah, right.
I saw you brought it back to Alf.
I heard that.
Fuck you, O'Brien.
Everyone knows that was really funny.
You got a huge laugh.
You played it to the people and it totally sold.
Very big.
I'm counting.
Very good.
Matt set him up for that.
We got to give credit where credit's due.
That's fine.
I'm used to just being forgotten constantly.
Oh, my God.
What's going on with him today?
Oh, no, this has nothing to do with here.
It's just at home.
Okay, yeah.
I got you, Matt.
We're going to do another podcast.
Now, you did a... Wait, can we just shut up?
Yeah.
Okay.
Me and you?
Come on.
What are we going to do?
I want to do a podcast called Actors on Actors Acting.
Okay.
And we just give notes.
You know what I mean?
We don't really talk about the good stuff.
Okay.
We talk about the, we're like, what happened there?
You know what I mean?
We pick up those roles.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
We bring out really great people.
Lots of, we introduce them with lots of like, you were in this, that was great.
You were in that one, loved it.
But this one.
Like when Gary Oldman was in that movie called Tiptoes where he played a little person but he did the door thing.
Gary Oldman.
Gary Oldman?
Yeah.
This has had a, what happened there moment?
Yeah.
This is what happened there.
Yeah.
Like where, where were you?
Were you chasing?
So at one point when you were shooting it, did you go, Oh, like this isn't going to work.
And how come you didn't go sooner?
Exactly.
And then, and then we just talk about that.
Is there an actor who's never had a what happened there moment?
Like a Ralph Fiennes who's just like always.
It might be Ralph Fiennes.
What?
Oh, no, Avengers.
Not the Marvel Avengers.
He did that.
Oh, that's right with the umbrellas.
Yeah, that's right.
It was Connery and Uma Thurman.
And Jesse Eisenberg.
Yeah.
No, Michael Cera as Jesse Eisenberg.
That's right.
That one didn't work, right?
He was good.
He's always good.
Yeah.
What about when he did?
He was for a while there.
He was like romantic leading man, just like for a blip.
He was like, he did him.
English patient.
Was he made in Manhattan with Jennifer Lopez?
Yes, he was.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ralph Fiennes was?
Yes.
Okay, so I see what you're saying.
I see what you're saying.
You acted like it was a question.
Like, huh, did he?
But it was really you saying, oh, he totally missed with Made Manhattan.
Yeah, I saw what you did.
Apologies, Rafe.
By the way, he's so good.
He's very good.
Let's be honest.
What about you?
Have you had a moment where you were like, what was I?
I love that, where you say he's so good.
I've seen him not in all, I just saw him, I've seen him on stage twice.
Oh my God.
Like, oh my God, jaw dropping.
What was he in?
Like Shakespeare or what?
I saw him in Shakespeare way back when on Broadway with a young Damian Lewis.
Really good.
Yeah, he's fantastic.
I love that guy.
That guy's a good dude.
I haven't talked to that guy in a long time, but he's a good dude.
I don't know if I've met him.
I realize when I'm on the show, it occurs to me people probably listen to it.
Some people.
If Damian Lewis is listening to this, I want him to know.
Adam, I can't speak to numbers, but this is a big project.
It's very big.
Damian Lewis probably listens.
Probably listens.
He's a wonderful- We're doing Damian Lewis numbers.
Adam knows everyone who listens.
He's a wonderful guy.
He's a good guy, Jamie Lewis.
I loved him.
I loved him as Henry VIII.
He was fantastic.
Yeah, he's a crazy good actor.
Good dude.
We were in a movie that was really bad.
Which one?
But it was fun.
That could be like, oh, what happened there?
Dreamcatchers?
Yeah, Dreamcatchers.
Wow.
I love Larry Kasdan, too.
Jesus.
I am the right man of movies.
What if it wasn't the movie he was talking about?
Oh yeah, you just added one.
Trust me.
How did you pull Dreamcatchers out of your ass?
I don't know.
Well, Damien Lewis is in it.
He had a cast member.
Yeah.
He had a cast member.
Okay.
All right.
I just love movies.
What can I say?
I don't know.
I just have a database in here that I'm not proud of.
It was a great... God, that was a fun set.
A great experience.
Yeah, the movie didn't work.
But Damien, yeah, that's where I met Damien.
You have the memories.
Memories of Mason.
So many memories.
Yeah.
Yeah, so many good ones.
Oh, and you guys were in uh, once upon a time in hollywood together too.
Oh, there you go.
He was steve mcqueen, right?
Uh yes, he was yes, he was.
He was great at steve mcqueen yeah um, really good.
And he had a.
They had a.
One day that i'm sure there's gonna be a long version of that film.
Uh, and um, if i'm not mistaken, he has a really cool scene uh, with leo and it uh, There was talk of maybe there being other projects coming out of that movie.
There is.
There's a sequel.
That Tarantino wrote and Fincher's directing about Brad Pitt's character.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Yeah.
Wow.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
It's happening.
Yep.
Yeah, my question.
What's that?
I can't.
Nothing.
Are they filming this?
My question is... I love that they're... That camera just caught whatever you did.
I don't know.
But we can cut it.
I don't know.
Do you want us to cut it?
I don't know.
There'll be... I don't... Let's see.
I'll cut.
I'm hoping I'm in it.
Oh, gotcha.
That'd be exciting.
That'd be good.
That'd be amazing.
You never know.
It only is what it is.
Yeah.
But my understanding is... You must have...
So that's probably the kind of thing that you've... Tim, that's a big... I was gonna be in it.
Tim.
That'd be a big deal that you would probably tell your friends about, right?
I haven't seen you.
You haven't seen me?
Yes, you've seen me.
You saw me like a month ago.
What?
Was that two months ago?
When did we go to your art installation?
Art installation?
Yeah.
You came to the studio.
Yeah.
Ceramics.
We got a bite to eat.
It was nice.
That's where the future is, guys.
Ceramics.
Kids are listening.
Don't go into show business.
Go into ceramics.
I bought six pots from you.
You're telling your friends?
Are you telling your friends?
He's telling Stack.
Are you telling Smithers?
Are you telling... No.
I wrote them down.
That's the only thing you've written down this whole time.
Did you tell Bennett?
Bennett with a K. J.B.
What's that?
Bennett.
What's a stupid name?
J.B.
It should be Bennett.
Bennett.
Tell him to change it to Bennett.
Anyway, I think you would have told me that you knew what a huge fan I am of the first film.
You think you would have mentioned that to me?
Oh, no, no.
I think I just got a... It was just a few weeks ago.
I wasn't sure when they were... Yeah, okay.
I mean, I'm still not sure.
We won't dwell on this.
Find out about this and say, you know...
What's he doing talking about he's out?
Okay.
It's all good.
We got a lot of things going on.
Should we go?
Yeah.
When does this thing come out?
Oh, no, I'm not going to start talking about other projects.
I'm here to sell the alien thing.
No, you're not here to sell it.
You and I have a great conversation, which we're having, by the way, whatever you think.
And then they say, I got to have more of that Tim Olyphant.
What was he talking about at the end?
And then we say, Alien Earth.
Oh, the aliens come to Earth.
That's fantastic.
I've got to see that.
I've heard that's really great.
Yeah, they shot it in Thailand.
And Tim Olyphant's in it.
He was so great on the podcast.
I got to see this.
Thailand.
Two for two.
It works every time.
You know what's the thing about, because you're a travel guy.
You got the travel show.
I'm a travel guy, yeah.
I got the travel show.
So well-versed in my work.
You do the thing with these different places.
You're the places guy.
I'm going to just go play to them.
You're the places guy. guy.
You go to the places.
Okay, so here's the thing about the travel.
It's such a fine line between trying to respect the language and the accent, and then you're like now, you just sound racist.
Yep, exactly.
You know what I mean?
It's like, if you just say, like, swatikap, they're like, no, that's not how it goes.
But if you go like, swatikap, You know, they're like, okay, now you're making fun of us.
Right, right.
You know what I mean?
You got to find this little sweet spot.
Yes.
Right?
Exactly.
That's been your experience.
Nope.
Not at all.
I always get it just right.
Very culturally sensitive.
But keep doing your version of the wrong one.
Just do it a couple more times.
When you go into a different land with the culture, did I tell you?
We had been in Thailand for a few weeks, and we're using the Translate thing, the app.
So, you know, you say the English, pops back out in Thai, and then you say that.
So we're getting – we got our couple things down, right?
And at least, you know, I feel pretty confident.
And we're branching out now, and we're now at restaurants.
And I've been –
I've been asking the waiters at any of the restaurant.
I've been pointing the menu and saying you know, what do you like?
Like, what's your favorite, right?
But saying that in Thai.
And I'm getting nothing.
They're not giving me, it just seems to be lost.
It's not working, yeah.
So it occurs to me that if you go on the app, if you can say it in English, and then it says to you in Thai that I can flip that.
So I'm like oh, I say it in Thai and it'll tell me back in English and I'll know now if I'm saying it correctly.
So I start off with the basics just to make sure I'm saying it right.
So I'm, you know, and then it's like, it's saying whatever that was, hello or whatever.
And you're saying, you're saying, thank you.
Goodbye.
And hello.
And then I say, and what is your favorite?
And I say that.
And it comes back and says, gaze into my eyes.
And it all starts to make sense.
So for at least two dinners.
You were telling people.
Clearly this is me.
It's pretty good, right?
Gaze into my eyes.
Huh?
Gaze into my eyes?
That's fantastic.
I'm surprised no one just sort of got down and looked right into your face.
I tried it so seriously too.
Like I would really be like, just gaze into my eyes. but they're nice people, you know?
They're very good people.
They were very nice.
And the food's extraordinary.
And you're a foodie as well.
Did I tell you, here's another cultural thing.
Yep.
I'm not letting you in on Brian.
I got stuff to tell you.
Because you think you're right.
There's certain things you think universal.
We're all right.
And I'm with my buddy, Jonathan.
Hello to Jonathan out there.
He's American who's been living in Thailand for like 15 years.
And every now and then he gets a hankering for just something very American.
So we went into a Subway.
He's like, I'm going to get a meatball sandwich.
And he orders the footlong meatball sandwich.
And this, God bless him, what a sweet young Thai kid on the other side of the counter.
He gets out the bread and then he gets the little scooper they use.
And it's one meatball, two meatballs.
They're in there going up.
Not the length of the bread.
He's building a tower.
So he's got a loaf of bread and a tower of meatballs.
This is when it gets good.
He then gets the other piece of bread and he puts it on there.
What?
And that's when he realizes he's done something wrong.
Bread touching bread, touching bread touching bread.
Because he looked up at us like he knew something was off, but he wasn't sure what.
And i was like like i give him a little little nod tip those meatballs, buddy.
So not everything translates.
That's my point.
I'm gonna get you on this project one last time.
Is this noah holly, who worked on this project?
Okay.
I'm asking you this because Fargo is one of my fanatic for the Coen brothers.
And when Fargo came out, it remains one of my favorite movies of all time.
I can quote from that movie.
I know it frame by frame.
When I heard that they were going to do a TV show called Fargo, I said, this is going to suck.
There's no way this can be good, because it's someone saying no, we're doing a TV show about the Godfather one and two.
I just think that's going to be terrible.
That can't work.
Don't touch my movie.
I've been stunned by his work.
I think it's absolutely fantastic.
And so I'm excited for this.
Yeah.
Alien Earth.
And I know you're excited.
Well, yeah, taking another movie and turning it to TV, it's in good hands.
It is in good... I do think it's in good hands.
I've seen a couple of them, and it's really special.
It was special reading them.
It was really... It was one of those jobs where it was more fun the more we shot.
You know, I felt more... When I say fun, like the work, the material, you could just feel...
It was like, oh, this is gonna be special.
You know, that was kind of a nice, I just had a ball.
I had a ball.
Can't wait.
And, you know, Noah's a really special writer.
So he's a fun one to work with.
Well, we screw around a lot here, but I will say to you sincerely which I know you hate you're an amazing actor.
I love watching you do your thing.
I'm very fascinated by acting because I am not an actor.
I don't fundamentally understand it.
I'm always asking you.
Because Tim is really good at analyzing performances and telling me what he thinks.
And I will just ask him about movies.
I'll ask him about actors.
I'll ask him what is it they're doing?
That's, And you're very good at explaining to me how it translates what you think is happening there, how it works.
So...
Delighted to see this.
Very happy for you.
And I just want us to go out, just the two of us, no wives.
Maybe to Thailand.
Maybe to, you know.
He's ruined it.
He ruined it.
I haven't had a chance to circle back to say a sincere thank you before he ruined it.
I know.
It would kill you, the two of us in Bangkok, just driving around on one motorcycle.
You know, my arms wrapped around you, behind you.
Kapkoong krap.
Gaze into his eyes.
How can I gaze into your eyes if I'm on the motorcycle behind you?
Tim Offant, go with God, because I won't do this anymore.
Okay.
That's it.
I'm ending this.
I'm just going to throw down.
It's got to stop.
Let's stop it.
No.
Let's stop it now.
Let's stop it on my terms.
Is that the thing?
It's a control thing?
Yeah.
I got to end it.
No!
No!
No!
No, please, please come back.
I mean, come on.
All right.
This is a valuable.
My favorite.
Thanks for having me.
We have a special guest in studio today, David Hopping.
You very recently acquired a dog.
Yeah, two weeks ago.
Two weeks ago.
And this fellow is in studio.
Yes.
Because you have been bringing him in.
I told you you could.
Yeah.
And then you took advantage.
Well, he has some separation anxiety.
And it's nice that he's with us.
Took advantage.
I have separation anxiety from professionalism.
Why don't we?
Oh my God.
Man, I'm shooting from the hip and I don't know if I'm hitting anything, but I love it.
When I draw that fast, it's either going to be very good or like, what the fuck?
Either way, I get the giggles.
Atlas, where are you?
Right here.
This is Atlas.
This is Atlas.
Can you have Atlas sit up?
I mean, we want to... If people are tuning in on video, Atlas is very good looking.
He's a beautiful pup.
And I have to say you sent me a picture from the shelter and I thought you may have made a mistake because it looked like you would.
What?
Let me explain.
Because he looked like a massive German shepherd.
And I thought he was three times bigger than this because he photographed like a monster.
And then I meet him.
He's a very gentle fellow.
Is he part German shepherd?
Not that big.
Belgian Malinois.
But we don't know what else he's mixed with.
What is a Belgian Malinois?
It's like a police dog.
Oh.
Are you smart?
So watch out.
Why did you say that so sensually?
Because I've never heard of that word.
What is a Belgian Malinois?
I don't know.
Because that's the only way you can say Malinois.
Can you tell me, this breed, what are their specialties?
What is a Belgian Malinois?
Malinois.
Okay.
They're supposed to be really smart, which he is.
Mm-hmm.
They have a lot of energy.
He loves to run around.
He ran around at your house last week.
That's right.
You brought him over.
My dogs were not home at the time.
They were vacationing in St.
Barts.
That's the ultimate in the bubble thing.
My dogs are at St.
Bart's.
But he's very good looking and he's really sweet.
He's the best.
Aren't you?
Yes, you are.
Do you think he's bummed he can't be a dog?
Like a cop dog?
Sorry.
A cop dog do dog shit with the cops?
He doesn't really like going on walks.
He likes to sit in the air conditioning.
So I think he's fine.
I think the dog's fine.
I'm a little worried about Sona.
What is your problem?
I don't know.
His friends are all like cop dogs.
I'm just wondering if he missed his calling.
Dogs aren't only friends with other people in their breed.
All cops are just friends with cops.
It's true.
It's what happens.
They go to the same dog cop bar.
How is your life changing?
Let's talk about that.
Because you're in a relationship.
How's Dustin doing with all this?
Oh, Dustin, he was like so excited to get a dog.
Are you guys both out of the house each day?
Do you cohabitate?
Yes.
Okay, so is the dog home alone a lot?
Not yet.
We're working on it.
We're building up.
That's why he's here today.
That's why he's here right now.
Okay.
Have you tried some of the tricks?
There are things you can do to make a dog feel like it's not alone.
Yeah.
Well, you suggested we get like a heartbeat thing.
Yeah.
So we're trying that out.
There's something that simulates a heartbeat.
I've used it in my marriage.
My wife was like, you're human.
I knew it.
And then the little thing fell out of my t-shirt.
It's like a full stuffed animal, too.
No, it's a little device that goes in the stuffed animal.
Oh, got it.
Yeah, it fits in a little sleeve in the stuffed animal and it gives it a little heartbeat.
And they're for like kittens and puppies.
Atlas might be a little old for that.
Yeah, he does like watching TV.
Like he knows when I say it's Love Island time, he jumps up on the couch.
He's definitely your son.
He loves this YouTube dog channel.
Does he actually watch the TV?
Because one of my dogs watches the TV and gets engaged.
Oki loves Isle of Dogs.
That Wes Anderson movie.
Yeah, that's a good one for pups.
My dog likes Kurosawa.
Okay.
Yeah.
Fancy dog.
No, loves the Criterion channel.
Okay.
Yeah.
That's cool.
Doesn't quite get the seventh seal.
What's, oh, yeah, you're calling your dog.
I thought you were.
He's coming to me.
I mean, he just likes me and stuff.
Oh, okay.
Those are for Sona to eat?
Yeah.
I was going to say.
I used to give Sona treats.
When she'd get a task done right.
When she'd do it right.
Remember?
Yeah.
But it was alcohol.
You called that person.
Here you go.
Yeah.
So how is he changing your life?
I mean, you got to get up and walk him in the morning.
It's good.
It's a lot of walking, which is good.
Dogs make you move more than you normally would.
Yeah.
We can't go to Disneyland as much, but it's worth it.
Oh, I'm sorry.
As much, you said, but you still go.
Well, we haven't since we got him.
Can't you dress him as Goofy or something and go?
Oh, that's a good idea.
Yeah, you could dress him as a character.
Can't you fake him as a service dog or something?
Yes.
I mean, that just feels wrong.
And also, you just revealed the scam.
Yeah.
Yeah, now everyone at Disney is going to know.
Does he like when Andy brings his dog in?
He hasn't met Andy's dog.
Oh, I thought they were both here together today.
Gina's dog.
Oh, Gina's dog.
Yeah.
It's a very dog-friendly office here.
I should bring Okie.
You should.
You used to.
I know.
I brought my rat in, but Evie killed it.
Aww.
She thought it was a random rat.
It had a little bow tie.
She also killed my cockroach I brought in.
Jesus, I can't catch a break around here.
He's really, he's a good looking fella.
He's the best.
How old is he?
This is the best use of the podcast is to bring in a really cute animal and then talk about how good it looks.
And people are listening in their cars like, what is this?
Well, But I think there's a calming energy.
It humanizes me to have a dog in the room.
No, it just touched my leg.
Get it away from me.
No, it doesn't.
It doesn't humanize you.
Well, something will.
Let's get you that heartbeat thing.
It keeps falling out of my T-shirt.
Yeah.
Well, you should try one of these tricks, David.
I will.
You know?
Sorry.
I was going to say I love an animal-friendly work environment.
Yeah.
Thanks for doing that.
Well, it was against my will.
Would we ever get a studio cat, you know?
You know, it's interesting.
Like the Algonquin Hotel?
When we started the late night show way back in 1993.
Somehow I forget what happened, but someone maybe found a cat, brought a cat in and there was a cat that lived in 30 Rock.
Oh, wow.
In our studios for, I want to say, two months while we were putting the show together.
And then I think, you know, it's NBC, it's 30 Rock.
You can't have a cat there.
Someone, I think, blew the whistle on us.
And so the cat was deported.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Whoever blew the whistle sucks.
Yeah.
It was me.
Yeah, it sure was.
It sure was.
It was not.
It was not.
I wish I could remember the cat's name.
But that's one of those trivia things that you know someone will call in and tell me you know Robert Smigel or Dino Stamatopoulos.
One of those...
Guys in the trenches in the early days will remember.
I bet people are just waiting for the answer.
People have pulled their cars over and they're just sitting there waiting.
Well, you're just going to have to wait. the name of that cat?
Well, now I do want to know.
Yeah.
We'll find out.
Okay.
We'll find out.
I'll get it to you.
Eduardo, how are you?
I haven't seen you.
Great.
I mean, you've been sitting there.
Yeah, I've been here the whole time.
I know.
I look right through you.
I just saw...
A Seattle Mariners cap floating in the air and no person attached to it.
But now you've faded into view.
Beep, beep, beep, beep.
Do you have a dog or a cat?
I had a dog.
I don't, I don't anymore.
Sorry, brought it down.
No, my dog passed away like 10 years ago.
Oh, 10 years.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm trying to warm my wife up to us having a dog, but she didn't grow up with a dog so she doesn't know what that entails.
Would you get a little dog or a big dog?
Whatever she'd be cool with.
This guy knows the idea.
It's all dog people, huh?
Nobody else has a cat here?
No one has a cat here, right?
Well, no, we have cats too.
We have cats and dog.
I want to get a parrot on my shoulder.
That's another story.
And wear an eye patch and walk around.
And have the parrot say, you're lame.
You're lame.
You're lame.
Old bit.
Old bit.
Oh, my God.
All right.
Well, we had a good time, I thought.
I thought we really had a good time.
Listen, welcome to Atlas.
Thanks for letting me bring him in.
You know, for now, it's okay.
Hanging by a thread, that dog.
Look at him.
He's so happy.
He's a very chill presence.
That's a good dog.
Very chill presence, yeah.
Really nice guy.
Our dog, our puppy now, who's about a year, is insane.
He's so cute, though.
What's your puppy's name?
Odin.
Oh, you could do all like Norse gods.
That was the kids.
Yeah, the kids mandated these Norse names.
They were in a Norse phase.
So yeah, we had a cat named Thor.
I mean, we just went through everybody.
Yeah.
Loki, Thor, Odin.
What else is there?
Skarsgård.
Abba.
Skarsgård.
Yeah.
Skellen Skarsgård, come here.
Different Skarsgårds.
Skarsgårds you haven't heard of.
Alexander Skarsgård, come here.
Alexander comes running.
Skellon, come here.
Skellon?
There's a Skellon Skarsgård, I think.
There's a Stellon.
Stellon, Stellon, okay.
And then ones you haven't heard of that decided, you know, to go into anesthesiology.
La Taika Skarsgård.
Krakten.
Krakten Skarsgård.
Oomlots flying everywhere, rolling around on the floor like marbles.
Well, Atlas, here's to you.
Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley.
Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao.
Theme song by The White Stripes.
Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy.
Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair.
And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.
Additional production support by Mars Melnick.
Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kahn.
You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode.
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