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The Princess's Excellent Birthday Party.
Once upon a time in a small rocky kingdom, a princess was having a birthday party.
The king, who loved parties only a little less than his daughter, wanted it to be the biggest best, most excellent birthday party ever.
And so he invited everyone.
All their friends got invitations, and of course, all of their family.
So too did all of their acquaintances and all of the workers about the castle.
But even after they had all been invited...
The king felt he needed even more guests.
He was on a roll and having the time of his life.
Um, I think that's probably enough, dad, the princess said.
She, unlike her father, preferred smaller, quiet gatherings with poems and games.
I'd really rather just have like a little thing, maybe a couple friends and... Nonsense!
My little girl needs the biggest party ever! he proclaimed.
Why should we stop at just human guests?
He invited all the animals about the grounds, everyone from the Duke's pet dog to the knight's warhorses stomping and snorting in their stables.
He had royal pages run down climbing cats and slide invites into the mouse holes.
Soon news of the party was echoing through the treetops, tweeted about by the birds and buzzed about by the bees.
It was on the croak of every frog and the hoot of every owl.
But still, that wasn't enough for the king.
Riders, I need riders, he bellowed.
Give me our 20 fastest men and put them on our 20 fastest horses.
Have them ride through the kingdom and spread the word.
Dad, please, said the princess.
Can't I just have like a little party?
You and mom and maybe some of my friends, but like just a couple.
You're right, said the king, not listening at all.
That's not nearly enough.
Better double it.
Get our 50 fastest men and our 50 fastest horses.
Dad, would you just listen?
I don't want a big delay.
Of course you don't want a big delay.
What was I thinking?
Make it a hundred fastest men and a hundred fastest horses.
Riders, ride!
Ride and spread the word of my daughter's excellent birthday party.
The riders mounted their horses and galloped across the rocky little kingdom.
They knocked on every door, fliered every farmer, and roared it from the road.
Everyone, come to the princess's excellent birthday.
They shouted it from their horses and hollered it into holes, and soon there wasn't a man woman, child or beast that hadn't heard about the princess's birthday.
Unfortunately...
That included some unsavory types.
Two mountain trolls, one from each end of the rocky little kingdom, heard about the party from some passing birds.
Of course, trolls love nothing more than kidnapping princesses.
So they both decided to crash this very excellent birthday party they'd heard so much about.
Luckily for them, the princesses' party started just after dinner.
Like most trolls, they'd turn to stone in the sunlight.
The night of the party, the castle grounds were packed with guests.
The humans chatted and danced, the animals bustled about, the king chatted with everyone and the princess sat miserably in her chair.
Eventually, the king plopped into the chair next to her, still red-faced and laughing from some joke.
Oh, daughter, he asked.
Are you enjoying your party?
Um, not really, she replied.
I told you I just wanted something small, and you invited literally everyone.
Oh, I just wanted to give you an excellent party, I just wanted something small.
That's what would have been excellent to me.
Look at all these people here to celebrate.
Big parties are wonderful.
What could go wrong?
At that instant, something heavy smashed into the castle gates.
They had been shut once everyone had arrived, and now the wood trembled and strained.
The king jumped and stared.
Who?
Another crash, and this time the gates flew open in a spray of stone and splinters.
In the ruined frame stood the two trolls who had both only just arrived from their opposite ends of the kingdom.
One of the trolls stomped forward into the party.
People darted away like fish before a shark.
Me name Crunch McBones.
Me here take your princess.
The crowd gasped, and then the other trolls stomped forward and shoved aside the first.
No, me name bones me crunch, and me here take your princess.
They started to shove each other. towering over the other party guests.
They crashed through tables and wrestled through the dance floor, leaving it in splinters.
The king and the rest were in panic, but the princess, who was very brave, kept her cool and piped up from her chair.
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Crunch?
Bones?
Listen, the two trolls froze in the middle of biting each other's legs.
I'm the princess and I can only go with one of you.
Me, cried Crunch.
No, me, bellowed Bones.
Yeah, but only one of you, the princess said.
What one? rumbled Crunch.
The crowd was still frozen, as was the king watching the young birthday girl organizing her own capture.
The princess, though...
She was watching the sky.
The party had gone very late, and it was starting to lighten to the east.
Um, okay, there's three challenges, she called out.
The winner gets to kidnap me.
The trolls started to grumble and push each other again.
Unless you're afraid.
They froze.
Bones McCrunch not afraid of anything.
Crunch McBones never afraid.
Okay.
For the first challenge, the princess looked around and caught sight of some boulders.
It's a test of strength.
Whoever can lift the biggest boulder wins.
The two trolls hurried to the boulders.
Their massive bodies knotted with gnarly muscles.
Crunch lifted a boulder bigger than a cow over his head.
Bones tried to do the same, but tipped over, the boulder barely missing his head.
Crunch whinge, said Crunch.
Not so fast, Crunch, the princess said.
That was only the first challenge.
Now it's time for the second.
All right, well, the second challenge is, uh...
She faltered for a moment, but by this point, the king realized what she was doing.
A test of speed, he cried.
See there, that farm wall in the distance?
Everyone turned and looked. barely making out the low gray stones.
First one there and back wins.
Are you ready?
Ready, said Crunch.
Are you set?
Set, said Bones.
Go! the king bellowed, and the two trolls took off running.
Some of the crowd took the opportunity to slip away from the angry trolls, but most were too curious.
They stayed, eagerly watching the running monsters.
In the end, Bones got back first, a full minute ahead of the panting Crunch.
Bones win, said Bones.
Bones get princess.
Crunch won too, complained Crunch.
The first hints of sunrise danced at the edges of the horizon.
You've both won one challenge so far, good job.
And now it's time for the tiebreaker, the princess said.
She needed just a little more time.
It's a test of wit.
I'm going to ask you to a riddle, and whoever gets the answer first gets to kidnap me.
Sound fair?
Crunch hate riddle, said Crunch.
Bones hate riddle more, said Bones.
I guess neither one of you gets to kidnap me then.
The trolls looked at each other, and so did the nervous party guests.
The trolls could smash them apart and steal the princess if they really wanted to, but they didn't seem to remember that.
Riddle me, said Crunch.
I eat riddle like breakfast, said Bones.
The princess eyed the horizon, a little smile dawning on her lips.
She was thinking of an old poem she liked.
All right, she said.
Listen close now.
There is a golden sleeper who's always warm in bed.
She goes to sleep each night at dusk For dawn raises her head.
No one dares to meet her eye.
She'll steal your very sight.
She sails across a sea of blue, a ship of heaven's light.
Who is she?
The two trolls thought for a long time.
Their eyes crossed and their ears smoked and their tongues lolled out like thirsty dogs.
Crunch ventured.
Oh.
Bones tried.
You two need a hint?
They both nodded their brutish heads, grunting out a yes.
Well, it's round.
Ball.
Head.
No.
It's also hot.
Fire.
Lava.
Close.
Want one more hint?
Yes.
Hint.
It's right behind you.
That moment the sun crested the horizon, its early purple gold rays spilled over the party.
The trolls crunch and bones turned and screamed, grabbing onto each other just in time to be turned to stone with an echoing correct.
Sweet mother of monkeys, the king cried.
Are they, are they stone?
A brave knight came from the crowd and drew his sword.
Keeping his distance, He carefully knocked on the trolls.
There was a hearty thonk, thonk noise.
Solid stone, he cried.
And everyone at the very excellent birthday party gave a wild cheer.
Surviving two trolls was cause for celebration, and the party started all over again.
The king pulled the princess aside and gave her a big hug.
Oh, sorry, darling, he said.
I should have listened to what you wanted.
I got so caught up in having a huge party, I accidentally got the trolls invited.
That's okay, Dad, she said.
Maybe tomorrow we can have a little party?
Just like the family and a couple of my friends?
I think that sounds perfect, he agreed.
In the end, the princess had a wonderful little party with just her mom and her dad and her two best friends.
And the trolls?
Well, they were too big to move, so the king just built a fountain around them, said it was a statue and called the whole thing a birthday present.
The End.
Today's Story, The princess's excellent birthday party was inspired by a Macedonian folktale written for you by Daniel Hines and performed for you by me, Amanda Weldon.
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