I got a delivery for you.
Leave it at reception.
I'm supposed to deliver this one in person.
Clean up on aisle five.
Master Scarn.
Master Scarn.
Let me dream.
I'm up.
It's the president.
He needs you for a mission.
Tell him I'm retired.
It's Goldenface.
The man who killed... Don't say her name.
Goldenface.
This makes it personal.
Skarn, you're right on time.
What's the situation, President Jackson?
It's your old enemy, Golden Face.
As you're aware, Golden Face tried to blow up the NFL All-Star game, the baseball All-Star game and the NBA All-Star game.
You stopped him every time.
Then you took one day off to run a 20K with your friend Robin Williams.
One day off.
That was the day of the WNBA All-Star Game.
We all know what happened then.
My wife was in that game.
Now he's after the NHL All-Star Game.
He's hitting a bomb somewhere in the stadium.
Scarn, this one is personal for me.
I own the stadium.
I can't see it blown up.
It's my retirement plan.
We have to search the stadium.
Not so fast.
Goldenface has taken all of the concession stand workers hostage.
We go in, he kills the hostages.
Why not just cancel the game?
It cost him too much money to cancel the game.
Money.
It's always about money, isn't it?
If I ever own a business, I'm not even gonna care about money.
Scarn.
Will you find these hostages and save the game?
No.
I don't think it's important enough.
Just out of curiosity, what threat level is this?
I can't sugarcoat this.
We're at threat level midnight.
Heads I do it, tails I don't.
Best out of seven.
Heads.
Tails.
Heads.
Tails.
Heads.
Tails.
Looks like there's going to be a clean up on aisle five.
Well, the hostages were scared.
Help!
Help!
Help!
Help!
Don't you guys get it?
Nobody's coming for us.
Oh, someone's coming, all right.
The only man who would care, Michael Skarn.
Why are you doing this, golden face?
Why?
Because I have unfinished business with Skarn, and you're my trap.
See, I'm gonna lure him here, then I'm gonna kill everybody.
Then, I'm gonna dig up Skarn's dead wife, and I'm gonna hump her real good.
But right now, I'm gonna go do some drugs.
So don't try anything.
We need to choose a leader, someone who's tough enough to take on Golden Face.
I could be the leader.
What makes you so tough?
I have experience as a leader, a negotiator, a general, and a cop.
In other words, I'm a mom.
It'll be Sandra.
Listen.
Ow.
It doesn't matter who's leader.
It's every man for themself down here.
And there is only one way out, and it is through that door.
Those drugs really hit the spot.
So, you guys chosen a leader yet?
Well, the All-Star game was three days away, so naturally it was all sold out.
The only way Skarn was getting in was in a uniform.
Just one problem with that.
Skarn didn't know a hockey stick from a Slim Jim.
So he went to meet with the famed trainer, Cherokee Jack.
Mop the ice.
I'm not here to learn how to mop.
I'm here to learn how to play hockey.
Mop it.
What is the point of this?
Mop the ice.
She goes, I'm running on ice.
Where am I lost?
Now take this.
What do I do with this?
Mom?
Well, Michael Scarn was quickly becoming one of the hottest hockey players in the country.
Now, as you all know, each year the National Hockey League accepts one civilian amateur to play in the All-Star game.
It's down to the three of you.
The final test is speed skating.
On your marks, get set, die.
Nice try, Goldenface, except you forgot one thing.
To kill me.
Oh, I wasn't trying to kill you.
I was trying to slow you down.
No!
Oh, by the way.
Yeah?
How's your wife doing?
You're not going to the All-Star Game.
Save those hostages.
Katherine, don't die on me.
How's your wife doing?
No!
Congratulations.
Hey, you came in second.
Not bad either, Tanner.
I am so sorry I have to do this.
No!
Well, old Michael Scarn made the team all right.
But the celebration didn't last long, as he still had to find them dang hostages.
I'm intercepting a name.
Jasmine Windsong.
She works for Golden Face.
But what I can't figure out is, who is the Funky Cat?
Not who.
What?
The Funky Cat is the hippest jazz club in town.
I'm surprised you haven't heard of that.
Oh!
Oh, no!
Jasmine Winsong?
I'm a man.
Oh.
They call me Jasmine Winsong.
Bingo.
Beat it, turd.
Thanks, mister.
Well, well, well.
So you are Jasmine Windsong.
Sorry.
I don't sign autographs.
I don't need your autograph.
I already have Nora Dunn's autograph, Jack Kemp's autograph, and Jerome Bettis' autograph.
It's not a bad collection.
I'm looking for some people.
I don't know about any hostages.
Who said that they were hostages?
Stranger, I don't know what you're talking about.
Michael knew that the only way to get Jasmine to tell him where the hostages were was to make her fall in love with him.
And the only way to do that? was to be himself.
Well, maybe I should tell you a little bit about me.
I love Billy Joel songs.
And I love fish sandwiches.
And I love babies.
And I love puppies.
And I actually like to think of puppies I don't know.
Maybe that's a little weird.
Part Bruce Wayne.
Part Bruce Willis.
And part Bruce Valanche.
Wow.
Just stick around for my set.
I think you'll find it very interesting.
Hello everyone.
I'm afraid this might be my last performance.
This one goes out to anyone who has been held hostage.
I love.
The hostages are under the stage.
Check, please.
You have to let us go, golden face.
We have families.
I don't care about families.
I care about business.
And this is going to show them that I mean business.
See ya.
Sorry about your friends, Skarn.
The joke's on you, Goldenface.
That man was a wanted animal rapist.
We've searched the whole building, Goldenface.
Where is the bomb?
Hmm?
We've searched the whole building, Goldenface.
Where is the bomb?
Hmm?
We've searched the whole... Okay.
They said we've searched the whole building, Goldenface.
Now where is the bomb?
So you searched the whole stadium, hmm?
But you didn't think to look in the puck.
The bomb is in the puck.
But why are you telling me this?
Because I'm going to kill you.
Unless you make a deal.
I'll release these hostages and defuse that bomb.
All you have to do is forgive me for murdering your wife.
Hey, golden face.
Yeah?
Go puck yourself.
No!
Mortal at all?
You've already had four.
You're lucky to be alive.
A bullet went through every major organ in your body.
Your brain, your lungs, your heart, your back, your balls.
It'll take a lot more than a bullet to the brain lungs heart, back and balls to kill Michael Sicard.
Yeah.
Let's just make sure that everything's working properly.
Well, you can probably guess what happened next.
Well, Michael went to meet the president to tell him the exciting news.
So let me get this straight.
You just said the bomb is in the puck?
Yes.
Is that where you hear the bomb going in the face?
But why would you blow up the stadium?
You own the stadium.
For the insurance money.
I knew it all along.
You will never get away with this.
Who do you think the people will believe?
The president of the United States or this man?
No.
No.
It wasn't like that at all!
Now's your chance.
Go talk to Goldenface.
See what you can do.
Hey, golden face.
Can I ask you a question?
I mean, since we're all gonna die here anyway, why is your face gold?
Why do you care?
I'm just making conversation.
I worked in a gold factory.
We had a boss who only cared about money.
He wouldn't give us lunch break, so we had to... eat the gold.
And then one day I looked in the mirror and well, I guess you are what you eat.
Golden face.
That is so sad.
Well, I just thought, if I could blow up all the all-star games, all the trophies would explode all over the place and then everyone would be gold.
Just like me.
Please let us go, golden face!
So sad.
Where had I gone wrong?
All I wanted was to start a family with my beautiful wife.
But somewhere along the way, things got messed up.
It wasn't easy for Skarn to admit that he lost his self-confidence.
And he hadn't, of course.
He just wasn't using it right now.
Mike!
Beer me, Billy.
You got it.
Hey, Mike, you don't look so good.
What's got you down?
I got problems, Billy.
Big problems.
You got problems?
My TV don't work.
I pay 30 bucks a month for the damn satellite.
What's a who's it?
Can't even get the damn game.
Hey, you tell me.
What's worse than that?
Don't ever change, Billy.
Golden Face is going to blow up the NHL All-Star game tomorrow.
You tell the president?
The president is in on it.
Oh, man.
I see what you mean about problems.
I know what'll cheer you up.
That table of bachelorettes over there bought you this drink.
Who knows?
Maybe you'll get lucky tonight.
Hey.
Who ordered the man burger?
Well done.
Hey, hot stuff.
One last fling.
Come and ride the choo-choo.
The sex choo-choo. ever banged an entire bachelorette party, baby?
Not today.
I'm too depressed to save the big game, Billy.
I'm at my low point.
When you're sad, you don't do your job no good.
And this country needs you to do your job good.
I'm gonna cheer you up.
Only ways I know hows.
Hey, kid.
Hit G9 on the jukebox.
No.
No, Billy.
I haven't done that dance since my wife died.
This isn't just about you anymore.
There's a whole crowd of people out there who need to learn how to do the scarn.
The scarn?
Sounds gay.
It is gay and straight and black and white and young and old and cool.
Check it.
Well, my name's Michael Scahn and I'm here to say I'm about to do the Scahn in a major way.
Shake a hand, and you jump to the left, and you shake that hand.
You meet new friends, you tie some yarn, and that's how you do the scone.
You jump to the right, and you shake that hand, and you jump to the left, and you shake that hand.
You meet new friends, you tie that yarn, and that's how you do the scone.
You jump to the right, and you shake that hand, and you That's how you do the scar.
If doing the scar is gay, then I'm the biggest queer on Earth.
You guys, I think I have my self-confidence back.
Michael, you have to get to that puck before halftime, or the whole stadium will explode.
I know.
It's a good thing my trainer and mentor is here to cheer me on.
Cherokee Jack.
Michael, he died.
This one's for you, Cherokee Jack.
One minute left in the period and still no puck.
Jerky Jack.
I want you to take all your frustrations with women, the system, with everything.
Take it out on the puck.
All on the puck.
Take it out on the puck.
Hey, we got sports games again.
Free drinks on the house.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Well, Samuel, that was some adventure.
Maybe someone should make a movie about me.
They should, and yes it was.
Some breakfast for me, some breakfast for you.
I'll get it.
Man, I love being retired.
Scarn here.
Michael is the president.
Hello, sir.
I need you for another mission.
I'm in.
I'm getting too old for this.
Well, Michael Scarn was back in the game.
And I bet you're wondering, why do I know so much about Michael Scarn?
Well, because I am Michael Scarn.
Oh, yeah.
Threat level midnight makes all the A level, level threat.
He's the greatest hockey star I've ever seen yet.
Threat level what?
Midnight.
Threat level who?
Michael Scorn.
Threat level what?
Apartheid.
Gotta fight it.
Free Mandela.
Peace.
I'm out.
Oh, yeah.
Threat level midnight.
Makes all the girlies feel all right.
From Madonna to Madeleine Albright.
Threat level midnight.
It's a threat, a level, a level, level threat.
He's the greatest hockey star I've ever seen yet.
Threat level what?
Midnight.
Threat level who?
Michael Scorn.
Threat level why?
Apartheid.
Gotta fight it.
Free Mandela.
Peace, I'm out.
Hey, what are you doing here?
The movie's over.
It's start level noon again.
Go home.
Have a life.
Fall in love.
Go.
Samuel, they think the movie's still going.
Go home.
Go home.
Get a life.
Get a life and go home already, OK?
Losers.
Look at that guy.
He just came for the popcorn.
Could those floors be any stickier?
Look at her.
What's her problem?
Just go.
Go home already.
The lights are coming up for the next movie.
You better get out of here.
You better go.
It's time because the movie's over.
We're not staying.
So we got to go too.
Go.
Go on with you.
Go home!
