Well, Rach, we're running low on resumes over here.
Do you really want a job with Popular Mechanics?
Well, if you're gonna work for mechanics, those are the ones to work for.
Hey, look, you guys, I'm going for anything here, okay?
I cannot be a waitress anymore.
I mean it.
I'm sick of the lousy tips, sick of being called excuse me.
Rach, did you proofread these?
Uh, yeah.
Why?
Uh...
Nothing.
I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent computer skills.
Oh, my God!
Oh, do you think it's on all of them?
Oh, no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.
If anything else opens up, please... Hello?
Sorry, Rach.
Where were we?
Oh, OK.
Five card draw.
Jacks are better.
Nothing wild.
Everybody ante.
Look, Rach, we don't have to do this.
Yes, we do.
All right, check.
Check.
I'm in for $0.50.
Call.
I'm in.
I see your 50 cents, and I raise you... five dollars.
I thought, uh, it was a 50-cent limit.
Well, I just lost a job, and I'd like to raise the bet five bucks.
Does anybody have a problem with that?
Phoebe?
Fatty?
Hey, Chandler, why so fancy?
Well, I got a job interview.
It's kind of a big deal, too.
It's a lot more money and I'd be doing data reconfiguration and statistical factoring.
I think i know someone who does that me, i do that.
So seriously, do i do i look?
Okay, i'm a little nervous.
Oh yeah, you really, you look great, you know.
Just don't get your hopes up.
Why not?
Well, the interview?
What about it?
You know you don't make a very good first impression.
What oh, you don't know.
Are you serious?
Yes, I mean, when I first met you, you were like blah blah, blah blah.
I was like, shh.
What is it that I do?
Well, it's just like you're trying too hard, always making jokes, you know?
You just, you come off a little needy.
Did you like me when we first met?
Chandler, I'm not gonna lie to you.
But I am gonna run away from you.
Hey, you feeling better?
Yeah, I think that fifth shower actually got the interview off me.
So, do you have any other possibilities?
Oh, yeah, well, there is the possibility that I won't make rent.
Mark, if you want, I can lend you some money.
No no no, because if I couldn't pay you back right away, then I'd feel guilty and tense every time I saw you.
Oh, okay.
Well, then why don't you borrow it from Mom and Dad?
They feel guilty and tense around them already.
You might as well make some money off of them.
Can you see my nipples through this shirt?
No.
But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there.
So where are you going, Mr. Sooty Man?
Well, I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert Pillman, career counselor, a go-go.
I added the a go-go.
Career counselor?
Hey, you guys all know what you want to do.
I don't.
Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do.
You know, you have goals, you have dreams.
I don't have a dream.
Ah, the lesser known, I don't have a dream speech.
Ah, I love my life, I love my life.
A Brian song!
The meeting with that guy went great.
It was so great.
He showed me where the restaurant's gonna be.
It's this cute little place on 10th Street.
It's not too big, it's not too small.
It's just right.
Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears?
You know that girl you went to college with who became a movie director?
Oh, yeah, Dana Keystone.
She was in my movement class.
What's a movement class?
It's Chandler's way of pretending he didn't take mime.
Well, listen, anyway, she's directing the new Al Pacino movie.
You gotta get me an audition.
Oh, I don't know, man.
I haven't talked to her in, like, ten years.
Oh, no, no, please, please, Chandler.
I would owe you so much.
You do owe me so much.
You owe me $3,400.
Hey, hey, dude.
Why are you changing the subject?
Will you make the call or what?
Okay, I'll try.
All right, thanks, you're the best.
Now listen, the last day of auditions is Thursday, okay?
So I gotta get in there by Thursday, okay?
Just remember Thursday.
Thursday, can you remember Thursday?
Yeah, so Tuesday?
Thursday.
Look, if you need help remembering, just think of it like this.
The third day, all right?
Monday, one day.
Tuesday, two day.
Wednesday, when?
Huh?
What day?
Thursday!
The third day, okay?
Okay.
Everybody stop what you're doing.
I need envelope stuffers.
I need stamp lickers.
Well, hey, who did these resumes for you?
Me, on my computer.
Well, you sure used a large font.
Yeah, well, waitress at a coffee house and cheer squad co-captain only took up so much room.
Hey, that's funny.
You're funny, Chandler.
You're a funny guy.
You know what else is really funny?
Something else I might have said?
I don't know, I don't know.
Weren't you the guy that told me to quit my job when I had absolutely nothing else to do?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Sweetie, calm down.
It's going to be okay.
No, it's not going to be okay, Ross.
Tomorrow is my last day, and I don't have a lead.
Okay?
You know what?
I'm just going to call Gunther, and I'm going to tell him I'm not quitting.
You don't want to give in to the fear?
You and your stupid fear.
I hate your fear.
I would like to take you and your fear.
Hey!
I got great news.
Run, Joey.
Run for your life.
Tulsa, I am taking you for a great dinner at Slim Pickens.
So cheesy?
Whole hog?
It's gonna be tough to keep kosher in Tulsa.
Hi, Nancy.
Hi, it's Monica Geller.
I'm good.
Listen, I'm looking for a job in Tulsa.
Well, my husband's been relocated.
Because I love him.
No, no, I don't want a job in New York.
Javu's looking?
Oh, my God!
He asked for me personally?
Oh, my God!
Oh, wow, this is really, really flattering.
But, um, I'm moving to Tulsa.
Yeah, so just if you would tell Javu... I'll take it!
Oh, good.
You're here.
Hi.
What you got there?
Oh, this?
Well, I'm glad you asked.
Now, don't you hate it when you have to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak knife?
Ah.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
Pregnant woman slays four?
Phoebe, they didn't make you pay for those knives, did they?
No.
Are you sure?
No.
Honey, you're not going to make enough money to help Frank and Alice just by selling knives.
No, no, I know that, but I just need to make enough money for the second part of my plan.
What's the second part of your plan?
My Saturn dealership.
Hey, Mr. Kostelik, how's life on the 15th floor?
Yeah, I miss you, too.
Yeah, it's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home, you know?
Well, that's very generous.
Uh, but look, this isn't about the money, you know?
It's just I need something that's more than a job.
I need something I really care about.
And that's on top of the year-end bonus structure you mentioned earlier?
Look, Al, Al, I'm not playing hardball here, okay?
This is not a negotiation.
This is a rejection.
No, no, no, stop saying numbers.
I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy.
You've got the wrong guy.
I'LL SEE YOU MONDAY.
MAN.
WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?
I AM SO, SO SORRY.
I WAS GONNA DO IT REALLY, BUT THEN I WAS STANDING THERE WITH 327 IN ONE HAND AND 238 IN THE OTHER HAND, AND I WAS THINKING WOW, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I HAD 327 PLUS 238.
Joey, we had a deal.
That's why you're here.
I've got to fire you.
And I've got to pay rent.
Look, how about this?
You don't fire me.
Instead I stay here, I gain their trust, and then they'll start listening to all the nice things I've been saying about you.
What kind of things you've been saying?
Well, nothing yet.
They really hate you, and I want to fit in.
Oh, my God.
That's my boss.
You have to seat us somewhere else.
I'm sorry.
That's always Mr. Campbell's table.
But my boss cannot see me.
I'm interviewing for another job.
Rachel?
I'm on a date!
That's great.
Yeah, it is.
You know, it's tough.
Single mom career.
You've got to get out there.
Well, you've got a good energy.
Rachel?
Yes, hi.
James Campbell.
Hi.
Hi, excuse us please, okay.
Oh well, he's cute, so your resume is quite impressive.
My resume i wouldn't.
I wouldn't call my, my online dating profile a resume dating profile.
I'm talking about the work resume.
Whatever happened to just singing for no reason?
Maybe people found it weird.
So, why do you want to leave Ralph Lauren?
What?
I don't.
You don't?
No, I love it there.
Well, if you don't want to leave, why are we having this lunch?
Where'd you go, boss?
Hey, how'd the interview go?
Not good.
You know, I always feel that way after an interview.
I'll bet it went better than you think.
Well, I didn't get the job at Gucci, and I got fired from Ralph Lauren.
That is a bad interview.
What are you talking about?
How'd this happen?
Well, my boss was at the same restaurant where I was having my interview, and he heard everything.
So later he calls me to his office and he tells me that he's gonna have to let me go because I'm not a team player.
And I say, wait a minute, no, yes, I am.
And then I had to sit there for 45 minutes while he proved that that, in fact, was true.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
What's this?
It's a bottle of champagne.
Why is this here?
I guess it's here because I got tenure!
Congratulations!
This is the single greatest day of my professional career.
Gunther, six glasses.
Six?
You want me to join?
Oh, I thought Joey was here.
Five is good.
I'm gonna have a loogie in my coffee tomorrow.
Ooh, Israeli champagne.
And it's vanilla.
I got tenure.
I didn't win the lottery.
Hey, Rach, so, uh, how did your thing go?
Oh, it's good, yeah, but I'm not gonna hear about that for a couple of days.
Oh, you know what?
You're gonna get it.
I-I-I can feel it.
Can ya?
Here's to Ross.
And to years of hard work finally paying off.
And to knowing that your career doesn't mean everything.
But also knowing it means a lot.
But more importantly, to full, well-rounded lives.
That center around work.
To Ross.
You know what the best part about this is?
I can never be fired.
No, seriously.
I have job security for life.
You know?
I mean, I never have to worry.
Oh.
Oh, look at you.
Look how happy you are for me.
No, it's not that.
I got fired today.
Then I didn't get the other job.
Rach, I'm so sorry.
Oh great, i feel like an idiot.
No, it's okay, you didn't know.
Oh, little heads up would have been nice.
Joey, got you the joey special.
Two pizzas joe hello, damn it, hello.
No, joey's not here right now, but i can take a message.
I think He's still got a chance for the part.
Oh, that's great news!
Well, no, obviously not for the actor who was mauled by his dog.
Oh, well, that's great.
I will give Joey the message.
Thank you.
Yes.
Okay.
Mac... audition... at two... allergy... actor...
By dog, not flowers.
Please tell me you got the message.
What message?
The actor playing Mac couldn't do it.
They needed to see you at 2 o'clock.
What?
At 6 o'clock?
I wrote it on the board.
I wrote it on the board, and then I went all over New York City looking for you.
I went to Ross's.
I went to the coffee house.
I went to any place that they make sandwiches.
I can't believe this, Chandler.
Sorry.
I don't know what to say.
Well, you might say, congratulations.
I saw the board.
I went to the audition.
I got the part.
Is that supposed to be funny?
I was really worried over here.
Oh, well, I'm sorry.
You know, sometimes that fake-out thing is just mean.
Oh, wow.
Okay, man, I'm sorry.
I did not mean to make you feel bad.
Well, that's good.
Because you didn't.
And I'm incredibly happy for you.
That's mean.
You really had me going there.
We could do this all day.
Yeah, you're right.
I have something you can do.
I have this new massage client, Steve.
Anyway, um, he's opening up a restaurant, and he's looking for a head chef.
Um, hi there.
Hi.
Oh, yeah, no, I know, you're a chef.
I know, and I thought of you first, but, um, Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so...
Yeah, I just don't have a lot of chefing experience.
Unless it's an all-toast restaurant.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, what kind of food is he looking for?
Well, he wants to do something eclectic, so he's looking for someone who can, you know, create the entire menu.
Oh, my God!
Yeah, I know!
So what do you think?
Thanks, Phoebe.
I just don't really see myself in a big white hat.
Okay.
Oh Monica, guess what airport?
Huh, you know that's over 30 miles.
That's gonna cost you about so bucks.
Excuse me, that's 50 bucks.
What five?
Oh dollars?
Oh, you know what it is?
It's smudgy because they're fax pages.
Now, when i was on days of our lives as dr drake remoray, they'd send over the whole script on real paper and everything.
Yeah, that's great.
And just so you know, if you wanted to expand this scene like have the cab crash or something, I could attend to the victims because I have a background in medical acting.
Okay, listen, thanks for coming in.
No, no, don't thank me for coming in.
At least let me finish.
We could take the expressway, but this time of day, you're better off taking the budge.
You were going for the word bridge there, weren't you?
I'll have a good day.
I got a job in advertising.
Whoa!
Honey, that's incredible.
Gosh, what's the pay like?
Oh, come on, people.
Come on, now, if I don't know who makes the most, how do I know who I like the most?
Hi, Joey.
Well, actually, it pays nothing.
It's an internship.
Oh, that's cool.
We have interns at Days of Our Lives.
Right, so it'll be the same, except less sex with you.
So, uh, what kind of stuff do you think they'll have you do there?
Well, it's a training program, but at the end, they hire the people they like.
That's great.
Yeah, I mean, there's probably going to be some grunt work, which will probably stink.
You know, a grown man getting people coffee is a little humiliating.
Humiliating and noble.
Thank you.
You know, if I didn't already have a job, I think I would have been really good in advertising.
Ross, you did not come up with Got Milk.
Yes, I did.
I did.
I would have written it down.
Hey, Joe.
What's up?
Bad news.
I watched the tape and passed it along to my bosses and they weren't interested.
Oh.
Sorry, man.
But, uh, you watched the tape?
Yeah, I liked it.
But, uh, my bosses didn't go for it.
Stupid sons of bitches!
You didn't watch the tape.
What?
Of course I did.
Look, it's one thing not to cast me, but to lie to me?
I'm not lying to you.
I watched it.
Well, you lied again.
I watched it.
Keep going, Pinocchio.
I did.
No, you didn't.
I'm telling you, I watched the tape.
Did you watch the tape?
No.
I don't believe Joey.
I hate being called a liar.
But you are a liar.
What did I just say?
You still here?
Yes, and I have to say, I am not just hurt, I am insulted.
When I tell somebody I did something... Okay, hold on.
Let me just stop you right there, okay?
First, you lied, right?
Then, you lied about lying, okay?
Then, you lied about lying about lying, okay?
So before you lie about lying about lying about lying about... lying... Stop lying!
Why are you so sure I didn't watch this tape?
You want to know why?
You want to know why?
Well, this is going well.
Here's how I know you didn't watch the tape, okay?
If you had seen what was on this tape, believe me, you would have some comments.
All right, now, remember, I got paid a lot of money for this, and it only aired in Japan.
Ichiban.
Ichiban, lipstick for men.
Ichiban.
Lipstick for men.
Saeko.
And that's how I know you didn't watch the tape.
He really is a chameleon.
Guess what?
You got a job?
Are you kidding?
I'm trained for nothing.
I was left out of 12 interviews today.
And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
Well, you would be too if you found Joan and David Boots on sale, 50% off.
Oh, how well you know me.
They're my new, I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots boots.
How'd you pay for them?
Uh, credit card.
And who pays for that?
Um, my father.
Come on, you can't live off your parents your whole life.
I know that.
That's why I was getting married.
Give her a break.
It's hard being on your own for the first time.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I remember when I first came to this city, I was 14.
My mom had just killed herself and my stepdad was back in prison.
And I got here and I didn't know anybody.
And I ended up living with this albino guy who was like cleaning windshields outside Port Authority.
And then he killed himself.
And then I found aromatherapy.
So, believe me, I know exactly how you feel.
The word you're looking for is anyway.
All right, you ready?
I don't think so.
Oh, come on.
Welcome to the real world.
It sucks.
You're gonna love it.
I can't believe what I'm hearing here.
I can't believe what I'm hearing here.
What?
I said you had an... I said you had... Would you stop?
Oh, was I doing it again?
Yes.
Would anybody like more coffee?
Did you make it, or are you just serving it?
I'm just serving it.
Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee.
Kids, new dream.
I'm in Las Vegas.
I'm Liza Minnelli.
