I really owe you an apology.
For what?
Well, when we first met, you know, I thought you were pompous and arrogant and obnoxious.
This is your first apology?
No, I just mean that, you know, first impressions don't mean anything.
And I think you're a really good guy, and I'm sorry that I misjudged you.
Morning.
But you know what?
Hey, new day, new leaf.
I am just really, really happy.
I'm sorry.
Obviously, Heather's ass has something more important to say, so I'll just wait till it's finished.
I was giving you an apology and you were totally checking her out.
I wasn't checking her out.
I'm in fashion.
I was looking at her skirt.
Or was it pants?
I didn't really see what happened below the ass area.
Oh, well, you are really, you're really a creep.
What do you even care if I was looking at her?
Are you jealous?
Oh, yeah.
I'm jealous.
Oh, Gavin, please, please look at my ass.
Stop looking at my ass.
I mean, I just think you are totally inappropriate, okay?
This is a work environment.
She's your subordinate.
But it was okay when you slept with your old assistant, Tag?
That is totally different for two reasons.
One, I didn't know that you knew that.
And two, I wasn't some creep staring at his ass.
We had a deep, meaningful relationship.
Huh.
What was Tag's last name?
Oh, my God.
He didn't have a last name.
Why does everything happen to me?
Look Rich, I promise first thing tomorrow we'll find another doctor, but I gotta go to Burleigh and I'm not feeling all that well.
What?
Why are you not feeling well?
What do you have?
Is it rubella?
Because don't go near Emma.
She has not had that shot.
You know, come to think of it, it does feel rubella-like.
Whee!
Weiner!
Weiner!
Rachel!
Wait!
Now he's gonna know it was me!
I can't believe I'm crying in front of you.
You must think I'm so pathetic.
No, no, no.
I admire a man who can cry.
Really?
Don't touch my coat!
Oh, sorry.
It's my phone.
Hello?
Hey, Rach, how's it going?
Oh, my God, this is the worst date ever.
Look, you know what?
I'm sorry, but did you really think that this was going well?
What's up?
Hey, did you stop by here?
No.
Oh, my God!
Oh, thank God!
Emma, there you are!
What?
What do you mean, there you are?
Where was she?
We were playing peek-a-boo.
She just... She loves it when I'm dramatic.
Hi.
I just finished getting Phoebe all dressed to meet Mike's parents.
She's so nervous.
It's so sweet.
Guess what?
I made Emma laugh today.
You what?
And I missed it?
Because I was giving a makeover to that stupid hippie?
Yeah, and it was like a real little person laugh, too.
It was like, um...
Only, only not creepy.
Well, what did you do to make her laugh?
I, um... Well, I sang.
Actually, I rapped.
Um... Baby got back.
You what?
You sang to our baby daughter a song about a guy who likes to have sex with women with giant asses?
But you know what?
If you think about it, it actually promotes a healthy body image.
Because even big butts or juicy doubles are...
Please don't take her away from me.
Okay.
Uh, please laugh for Mommy.
Please.
Please laugh for Mommy.
Not funny, huh?
Also, is it...
Only offensive novelty rap.
Or maybe just, you know, rap in general.
Because Mommy can rap.
My name is Mommy, and I'm here to say that all the babies are... Oh, I can't rap.
All right, sweetheart.
This is only because I love you so much.
And I know that you're not gonna tell anybody.
I like... big butts and I cannot lie.
You other brothers can't deny.
When a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
You other brothers can't deny.
Oh, Emma, you're laughing.
Oh, you are.
You really do like big butts, don't you?
Oh, you beautiful little weirdo.
Oh, you missed it.
She was laughing.
Oh, it was amazing.
It was amazing.
It was the most beautiful, beautiful sound.
Oh, I know, isn't it?
Oh, what'd you do to get her to laugh?
Oh, you know, I just... A couple of things I tried different.
Just sang a little bit of Itsy Bitsy Spider.
You sang Baby Got Back, didn't you?
Nothing else worked.
That girl is all about the ass.
She sweat?
Wet.
Got it going like a turbo vet.
So, fellas.
Yeah.
Fellas.
Yeah.
Has your girlfriend got the butt?
Hell yeah.
So shake it.
Shake it.
Shake it.
Shake it.
Shake that nasty butt.
Baby got back.
One more time from the top.
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
You are the best.
Rachel, please.
That is so inappropriate.
You're not going to believe this.
I was just saying goodnight to Emma, and she said her first words.
What did she say?
She said, Gleeba.
Make me rich.
Isn't that amazing?
Yeah, no, no, no, that's great.
Why aren't you more excited?
Uh, Rach, uh, gleba's not a word.
Well, of course it is.
Okay, uh, what does it mean?
Well, I don't know all the words.
I'm just glad I didn't miss my daughter's first word.
Well, yes, you did.
Gleeba is a word.
Okay, use it in a sentence.
Okay.
Uh, Emma just said Gleeba.
It's not a word.
Okay, okay, okay, fine.
I'm gonna look it up.
Oh, oh, okay, great.
You know what?
While you're at it, she said another word the other day.
Why don't you, uh, why don't you look up...
All right, okay, okay, Gleba.
Gleba, Gleba, Gleba!
Ah, here it is!
The fleshy, spore-bearing inner mass of a certain fungi.
She's gonna be a scientist.
Wow.
Wow, you look.
Uh, I mean, it's just that dress.
Uh Well, I hope the ends of these sentences are good.
Oh, they're good.
It's just been a while since I've seen you like this.
You clean up good.
Aw.
Well, thank you.
Okay, stop.
Stop looking at me like that.
Last time that happened, that happened.
Oh, right, right.
So, are you excited about your first night away from Emma?
Yeah, yeah.
Phoebe and I are going to have so much fun.
And thank you for watching the baby, by the way.
Oh, it's fine.
Actually, I invited Mike over.
Phoebe's Mike?
Yeah.
I didn't know that you guys hung out.
Well, we don't, but I thought it'd be nice to get to know him.
You know, maybe have a little dinner, drinks, conversation.
Oh, that's so cute.
Ross and Mike's first date.
I've just been working on this big presentation for tomorrow.
Well, I should be involved in that, so why don't you get me up to speed?
That's going to take weeks.
Why don't you just let me take care of the presentation?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I see what you're doing here, all right?
Listen, this is my job, buddy.
Okay?
I've had it for five years, and I know how it works.
So why don't you just catch me up?
Fine.
Oh, God.
I totally messed with the back support on my chair.
How do you fix this?
Hey, you've been here five years.
You figure it out.
Fine.
I will.
All right, fill me in.
How's your situation?
Oh, well, it's complicated.
I don't actually have a boyfriend, but, uh... Then can I have your number?
I'm sorry, no.
Okay.
No, sure.
Oh, my God, you're giving your real number.
Okay, thanks.
I'll give you a call later tonight.
Bye.
Bye.
Wow.
So that's great.
You, Bill, Ross, and Emma are gonna be so happy together.
What were you thinking?
I don't know.
He was cute, and he liked me.
It was an impulse.
But what about Ross?
What about your moment?
Don't you want to talk to Ross about it?
No, no, because I know exactly how the conversation's going to go.
Hey, Ross.
You know, I think we had a moment before.
Yeah.
Me too.
Well, but I'm not sure I really want to do anything about it.
Yeah, me neither.
Well, should we just continue to live together and not really tell each other how we're really feeling?
Yeah, that works for me.
Joey?
So, uh, I guess we should make it official, huh?
Uh, look, Rach, I... Hey, Ross is here!
Hey, look, it's my good friend Ross.
Hey, Ross.
Hey, Joey.
Hey, you.
Hey, you.
Oh, look, Andy brought flowers.
Oh, thanks, Ross.
I'm really more of a candy kind of guy.
You're weird today.
Listen, I wanted to talk to you about something.
Yeah, actually, I kind of need to talk to you, too.
Joey, can you give us a minute?
No.
What?
I'm sorry.
I meant no.
Well, the super's not home, but hey, you know what?
My mother's going to be here in a minute, and she has the key.
I can't wait that long.
You have to do something.
Knock that door down.
I would, but I bruise like a peach.
Besides, you know, everything's gonna be fine.
The baby's sleeping.
What if she jumped out of the bassinet?
Can't hold her own head up, but, yeah, jumped.
Oh, my God!
I left the water running!
Rach, you did not leave the water running.
Please, just pull yourself together, okay?
Wait, did I leave the stove on?
You haven't cooked since 1996.
Is the window open?
Because if the window's open, a bird could fly in there and... Oh, my God.
You know what?
I think you're right.
I think... You know what?
Listen, listen.
A pigeon.
No.
No, wait.
No, no.
An eagle flew in.
Landed on the stove and caught fire.
The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid.
The eagle, however, misconstrues this as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talon.
Meanwhile, the faucet fills the apartment with water.
Baby and bird still ablaze are locked in a death grip, swirling around the whirlpool that fills the apartment.
Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.
Can you stop at the coffee house and get me a muffin?
Oh, sure.
What kind?
Um, let me think.
What do I want?
What do I want?
Please, take your time.
It's an important decision.
Not like, say, I don't know, deciding to marry someone.
This is about a muffin.
Blueberry.
Blueberry it is.
Thank you.
Wow, he's really not letting this go, is he?
God, how long do you think that's gonna last?
Well, I don't know.
He got over the we were on a break thing really quickly.
Hello, y'all.
It's time for your massage, yeah?
Put your face in the hole.
Wow.
A Swedish massage from a real Swedish person.
Okay, then I'm Swedish.
So, what's your name?
It's a normal Swedish name.
IKEA.
Wow.
What an interesting name.
Yeah.
You know, I'm kind of... Time for your scalp massage.
Wow.
I really love your... Is something wrong?
No, it's just, um...
Just feels so good, Ikea.
Oh, hey, say, you'll know this.
What's the capital of Sweden?
Um, Stockholm.
Damn, I wish I knew if that was right.
I love your breasts the way they are.
Ugh, fascist.
Well, my breasts are gonna get bigger whether you like it or not.
And you know what?
It's not just my breasts.
My ass is gonna get bigger, too.
Your ass?
And don't be surprised if her hands and her feet get bigger, too.
They do that?
It's kind of a package deal.
Why?
Why?
Would you want to do that to yourself?
I thought it was something that we both wanted.
All right, look if it means that much to you.
I may be able to get on board with the big boobs, but the giant ass and the big clown feet.
Oh, my God, Chandler.
If you can't handle this, what are you gonna be like in the hospital with the blood and the screaming and the little person that's shooting out of her?
What?
Be yourself.
They live on the Upper East Side on Park Avenue.
Oh, yeah, she can't be herself.
Okay, so, all right, which dress?
You can say neither.
Oh, God, neither.
I'm sorry, honey.
We're gonna take you shopping.
It's gonna be fine.
Yeah, totally.
You are in such good hands, and I am so good with meeting parents.
With the father, you know, you want to flirt a little bit, but not in a gross way.
Uh-huh.
Just kind of like, oh, Mr. Pincer.
I can see where Wallace gets his good looks.
You went out with Wallace Pincer?
Oh, he took the SATs for me.
I knew you didn't get a 1400.
Well, duh.
So, now, what about with Mike's mom?
Oh, well, with the mother, just constantly tell her how amazing her son is.
Take it from me, moms love me.
Ross's mom one time actually said, I am like the daughter that she never had.
She said what?
That she's like the daughter she never had.
Sing happy birthday to you now?
Yeah, sure.
Oh, all right.
Happy birth... See you later.
Hey, Rach.
Somebody got your shoes.
Oh, gimme.
Whoa, whoa.
Oh, my God!
Careful, careful!
Oh, these are my rat babies!
Yeah, we have rat babies now.
Oh, you brought rats to my birthday party?
So this is what a stroke feels like.
We had to bring them.
We killed their mother.
They're our responsibility now.
You know, they require constant care.
You should know that, Rachel.
You're a mother.
Are you comparing my daughter to a rat?
No, seven rats.
I think we should take them home.
We need to feed them.
Why are you gonna leave my party to take care of a box of rats?
Well, I'm sorry, Rachel, but I'm not like you, okay?
Not everyone can afford help.
I just wanted to let you know I've changed my mind.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna kiss Joey.
No, you can't.
Friends hooking up is a bad idea.
Please, what about you and Chandler?
That's different.
I was drunk and stupid.
Well, hello.
What about all the guys that you got the phone numbers from?
Why don't you just kiss one of them?
I could.
I could.
But I don't want to.
I want to kiss Joey.
All right.
I think it's a big mistake, but it's your decision.
I'm going to do it.
And I can't stop you.
No.
Hey, Rich, have you seen Charlie anywhere?
I'm smarter than him!
Hi, guys.
Hey.
What's in the bag?
Oh, uh, well, you know how Emma started crawling?
I realized that this place is very unsafe for a baby, so I went to the store and I got some stuff to baby-proof the apartment.
Oh, God, baby-proofing.
Why is this such a big deal now?
You know, when I was a kid, it was like, whoops, Joey fell down the stairs.
Whoops.
Joey electrocuted himself again.
Anyway, um, are you going to get a handyman to install this stuff?
No.
I was just going to do it myself.
You're going to do it?
Yeah.
Why?
You don't think a woman can do this?
Well, women can.
You can't.
Monica, will you please tell Joey that he is a pig?
You're a pig.
And you can't do this.
What?
What?
Come on.
I found the hardware store all by myself.
The hardware store is right down the street.
There is a hardware store right down the street?
Hey, Joey said no autographs.
But if she's getting one, I want one too.
To Monica.
And none of this best wishes crap.
I want love.
Okay.
Actually, Mon, Matthew was giving me his phone number.
Oh, man.
If I had known I was coming to this party, I never would have gotten married.
Nice to meet you, rich.
Nice to meet you.
Call me, we will look at you with all the guys.
I guess you've forgotten all about joey.
Yeah well, i guess i guess i have forgotten about joey.
And clearly you've forgotten about chandler.
Please chandler's, the love of my life.
Oh, leather pants have mercy.
Look at you all, sweet and innocent, sleeping like an angel with Emma's chubby little hands wrapped around you.
It's okay, Emma, you stay asleep.
Step away from the crib, I'm 11!
It's okay, it's okay, Rach, it's me.
Put down the scrunchie.
What are you doing?
Well, I heard Emma stirring, so I came in to make sure she could reach Huggsy.
Oh.
Oh, thanks.
All right, well, now that I'm up, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Okay, there you go, sweetie.
This isn't over.
