All the way to the airport, huh?
You know, that's over 30 miles.
That's going to cost you about so bucks.
Excuse me, that's 50 bucks.
What?
Five-oh dollars.
Oh, you know what it is?
It's smudgy because they're fax pages.
Now, when I was on Days of Our Lives as Dr. Drake Ramore...
They'd send over the whole script on real paper and everything.
That's great.
And just so you know, if you wanted to expand this scene like have the cab crash or something, I could attend to the victims because I have a background in medical acting.
Okay, listen, thanks for coming in.
No, no, don't thank me for coming in.
At least let me finish.
Uh, we could take the expressway, but this time of day, you're better off taking the budge.
You were going for the word bridge there, weren't you?
I'll have a good day.
You're never gonna believe it.
She called.
She did?
You got it.
I did?
What is she talking about?
I don't know, but it sounds great.
No, your agent called.
You got that audition.
With Leonard Hayes?
Yes.
Oh, my God.
That is great.
That is great.
It's for a play on Broadway and in a real theater, not that little one underneath the deli like last time.
Is it a good play?
Well, it must be because I read it and I didn't understand a single word.
And Leonard Hayes is starring in it.
Yeah, yeah, and directing.
Oh, he was so good in that movie of Macbeth.
You saw that?
No, but I saw the previews.
They played it right before Jackass.
Oh.
He has, yeah.
He's done some amazing work.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I loved him in those cell phone commercials.
I know, when the monkey hits him in the face with the giant rubber phone.
Hey, maybe the monkey will be at the audition.
Don't make me more nervous than I already am.
Hey. probably wonder what I'm doing.
No, that seems about right.
Well, yesterday at my audition I really had to pee, and apparently having to pee makes me a really good actor.
I got a callback, so I'm drinking everything.
Oh, hey, by the way, that eggnog in our fridge was great.
Joey, that was formula.
We gotta get more of that.
Nice to see you again.
It's been a while, huh?
Yeah.
Well, it's funny.
These halls look smaller than they used to.
It's a different building.
So, Stryker Ramore, huh?
When do you want me to start?
Why don't we start right now?
Okay.
Here are the audition scenes.
Audition?
I thought you were going to offer me the part.
Why would you think that?
Well, I was Dr. Drake Ramore, Stryker's twin brother.
Who looks more like me than me, right?
Everybody has to audition.
You know, Terry, I don't really need to do this.
I got my own cable TV series. with a robot.
I'm sorry, Joey.
That's the way it is.
Well, I guess you think you're pretty special, huh?
Sitting up here in your fancy small hall building.
Making stars jump through hoops for you, huh?
Well, you know what?
This is one star, whose hoop?
This is the star that the hoop, This hoop.
I was Dr Drake Lemore.
I'm glad you're back.
I really need your help.
Oh, why?
What's up?
Well, I have an audition for this play, and for some of it I have to speak French which, according to my résumé, I'm fluent in.
Joey, you shouldn't lie on your résumé.
Yeah, you really shouldn't.
By the way, how was that year-long dig in Cairo?
It was okay.
I did not know you spoke French.
Oh, you're so sexy.
Well, so will you help me?
I really want to be in this play.
Sure.
To le plaisir et pour moi, mon ami.
Seriously, stop it.
I'm going to jump on you.
All right.
This seems pretty simple.
Your first line is, my name is Claude.
So just repeat after me.
Je m'appelle Claude.
Je te coupe, Claude.
That was good.
Let's just try it again.
Okay.
Huh.
It's not quite what I'm saying.
Really?
Sounds exactly the same to me.
It does?
Really?
Yeah.
All right, let's just try it again.
Really listen.
Got it.
Je m'appelle Claude.
Je te floop-flee.
Oh, mon Dieu.
Oh, des fouf.
Je m'appelle Claude.
Je te call Blue.
Okay, maybe if we just break it down.
Okay, let's just, let's try it one syllable at a time.
Okay, so repeat after me.
Je.
Je.
Ma.
Ma.
Pelle.
Pelle.
Great, okay, faster.
Je.
Je.
Ma.
Ma.
Pelle.
Pelle.
Je m'appelle.
It's too hard.
I can't teach you.
What are you doing?
I have to go before I put your head through a wall.
No, no.
Don't go.
I need you.
My audition is tomorrow.
Blah, blah, blah.
I'll count from one to five.
Good job.
Thank you.
Hey, Joey.
Listen, I feel really badly about yesterday, and I thought about it a lot, and I was too impatient.
So let's try it again.
Oh, no, that's okay.
I don't need your help.
I worked on it myself, and I gotta say, I am pretty good.
Really?
Can I hear some of it?
Sure, sure.
Bleu de la bleu de bleu bleu bleu.
Si?
You're not... You're not... Again, you're not speaking French!
Oh, well, I think I am, yeah, and I think I'm definitely gonna get the part.
How could you possibly think that?
For one thing, the guy on the tape said I was doing a good job.
Whenever you're ready, Joey.
Right.
I'm sorry, what's going on?
Dude, come on, French it up.
Joey, do you speak French?
You know what?
I think this audition is over.
Excuse me.
I am Regine Filange.
I was passing by when I heard this man speaking, the regional director of my French town of Estelle Oder.
You really think this man is speaking French?
Écoutez, je vais vous dire la vérité.
C'est mon petit frère.
Il est un peu retardé.
Good job, little buddy.
That was some really good French.
But I think we're going to go with someone else for the part.
Oh.
All right.
But my French was good?
It was great.
Merci.
Au revoir.
Yeah.
Tout le fruit.
Okay.
All right.
Well, let's try one whenever you guys are ready.
Uh-oh.
Is there a problem?
Well, this is noodle soup, and I've been working with tomato.
But it's okay, no problem, no problem.
Mmm, noodle soup.
You know, that's fine, but the line is, mmm, soup.
Oh, what'd I say?
Mmm, noodle soup.
How's that different?
Oh, I see that.
Let's try one.
Mmm, noodle soup.
Okay, let's do it again.
Okay.
Mmm.
Soup.
I mean, noodle soup.
I mean, soup.
Come on!
You know what?
We need to move on.
No, I can do it one more time.
See?
Look.
Mmm.
Noodle soup.
Damn it!
Hey, Joey, how'd the audition go?
Incredible.
I met the director this time, and you will never believe who it was.
Who?
All right, I'll give you one hint.
Warren Beatty.
Wow.
Yeah, there's just one thing that might be kind of a problem.
See, I, uh, I had to kiss this guy.
Because he was just so darn cute?
No, as part of the audition.
See, I'm up for the part of this guy who the main guy kisses.
Well, hey, you're an actor.
I say you just suck it up and you do it.
Or you just do it.
I did do it.
I'm a professional.
So what's the problem?
See, after the scene, Mr. Beatty comes up to me and he says, good actor, bad kisser.
Can you believe that?
Me, not a good kisser.
That's like, like Mother Teresa, not a good mother.
Come on, who cares what that guy thinks?
You know, what does Warren Beatty know about kissing?
Hey, what'd your agent say?
Yep.
This kiss thing is definitely a problem.
Mr. Beatty wants to see it again on Monday.
Man, I gotta figure out what I'm doing wrong.
Oh, okay.
One of you girls come over here and kiss me.
Forget it!
Hey, come on.
I need your help here.
All right, I'll do it.
I've kissed him before.
I can do it again.
See this?
Huh?
This is a friend.
Uh-huh.
Let's go.
Wait.
I have guns.
Oh.
Okay.
Good.
Very good.
Firm but tender.
I'd recommend you to a friend.
Then I don't know what it is.
What's the problem?
Joey, you know, maybe you're just not used to kissing men, you know?
Maybe you just tensed up a little bit.
Maybe that's what you need to work on.
Yeah, that makes sense. over my dead body.
And I'll be using his dead body as a shield.
All right.
I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this because I want to be a good friend and, damn it, I am a good friend, so just shut up and close your eyes.
You are a good friend.
Of course, the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it.
But that was a hell of a kiss.
Rachel is a very lucky girl.
You go into your room and try these on and we'll see if we'll get a better idea of what's gonna work.
Thanks.
You are such a good friend, and this is so weird.
Ow!
Toothpick?
Yeah.
What are you trying on now?
The fruit roll-up.
And?
Delicious.
Joey!
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
We have a winner.
What?
Which one?
The silly putty.
Not so silly anymore.
And what's cool is the character is from Naples, right?
Yeah.
My whole family's from Naples.
That's great.
Okay, well, I've heard everything I need to hear.
We just need to, uh... Leslie?
Uh, Joey, this is the awkward part.
Oh, hey.
Right.
Not a problem.
I totally understand.
You need to, you know, make sure I don't have any horrible scars or tattoos.
Don't you worry.
I have nothing to hide.
So there you go.
That's me, 100% natural.
You've got to pick a pocket or two Boys, you've got to pick a pocket or two Lovely!
Just lovely.
Really?
Thanks.
Listen, Joey, we definitely want to see you for the callback on Saturday.
Excellent.
I'll be there.
Okay.
And listen, don't forget to bring your jazz shoes for the dance audition.
Uh-huh.
My, uh... My agent said that it wasn't a dancing part.
Oh, Joey, all the roles gotta dance a little.
But believe me, with your dance background, it'll be a piece of cake.
Three years of modern dance with Twyla Tharp.
Five years with the American Ballet Theater.
Everybody lies on their resume, okay?
I wasn't one of the Zoom kids either.
Can you, like, dance at all?
Yeah, I can dance, you know.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
What is that?
Sure looks stupid now.
There's no music playing.
Uh, Joey?
Joey Tribbiani?
Listen, Joey, I got a problem.
I just got a call from my dance captain.
He's having a relationship crisis and can't get out of Long Island.
So does that mean the audition's off?
Listen Joey, seeing as you've got the most experience, I want you to take these dancers and teach them the combination us.
Oh joey, come on, it's easy, you know it's hand hand head, head up out of array, out of array, big turn here, ronda jean slide step, step and jazz hands.
It's a steppity step and jazz hands.
Have fun.
Bye.
Alright, let's do it.
No, no, no.
What was that?
I know.
It's the best I could get out of him.
Well, people.
People, people, people.
Let's try it again.
And this time, let's everybody watch Joey.
Show him how it's done.
Hey now Joe, you know that, since you're returning all of this stuff after the audition, you're gonna have to wear underwear.
All right, well, you better show me some of that, too, then.
Okay, it's missing something.
Oh, I know.
Um...
Really?
A purse?
It's not a purse.
It's a shoulder bag.
Looks like a woman's purse.
No.
Joey, look.
Trust me.
I'm telling you.
All of the men are carrying them in the spring catalog.
Look.
See?
Look.
Men carrying the bag.
See?
Look.
Women carrying the bag.
But it is odd how a woman's purse looks so good on me, a man.
Exactly.
Unisex.
Maybe you need sex.
I had sex a couple days ago.
Oh, no, Joey.
You and I sex.
Well, I ain't gonna say no to that.
Hey, hey.
Wow, you look just like your son, Mrs. Tribbiani.
What?
Are you referring to my man's bag?
At first I thought it just looked good, but it's practical, too.
Check it out.
It's got compartments for all your stuff.
Your wallet, your keys, your address book, your makeup.
Joey, what are you doing with the bag?
Your audition's not till tomorrow.
Yeah, but sandwich time is right now.
Joey, you know you get any mustard on that bag, you can't return it.
Why would I return this?
I love this bag.
All right, well, then you owe me $350.
Fine.
Do you take Vasa or Mustercard?
Joey.
All right, relax.
Look, I'll pay you with the money from the acting job I am definitely gonna get, thanks to you.
What's the part, Auntie Mame?
Don't listen to them.
I think it's sexy.
You and I sexy?
I'm off to my audition.
How do I look?
I think you look great.
Joey, that bag is going to get you that part.
I had a date with a man.
You know what?
Make fun all you want.
This is a great bag, okay?
And it's as handy as it is becoming.
Now, just because you don't understand something doesn't make it wrong, all right?
So from now on, you guys are gonna have to get used to the fact that Joey comes with a bag.
You ready, Joey?
Well, you must be new here.
If we get a table, I'd buy you a drink.
I'm sorry, could you try it without the purse?
Yeah, sure.
Well, you must be new here.
Maybe we sit... I'm sorry, can I ask you something?
Sure, what?
Well, first, it's not a purse.
Okay.
Anytime.
I mean, if you're thinking it's a woman's bag, it's not.
It's a man's bag.
Okay.
And go.
Let me show you the catalog.
Look.
See?
Huh?
It's the latest thing.
Everyone's got one.
Men, women, children.
Everyone's carrying them.
Um, do you sell these bags?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
These babies sell themselves.
Okay.
Thank you.
That was great.
Yeah, but I didn't even read anything.
I think we've seen enough.
Okay.
And that's it.
We got it.
We got it.
