Just so you know, I'm not going to make a turkey this year.
What?
Well, Phoebe doesn't eat turkey.
Phoebe?
Turkeys are beautiful, intelligent animals.
No, they're not.
They're ugly and stupid and delicious.
All right, it's not just Phoebe.
Will's still on a diet, Chandler doesn't eat Thanksgiving food and Rachel's having her aversion to poultry.
She is?
Yeah, did you remember I had to leave the room the other day when you had that roast chicken?
Yeah, but I thought that was just because I put the whole thing on my hand and made it walk across the table.
Anyway, it just doesn't seem worth it to make a whole turkey for just three people, okay?
It's just, it's a lot of work.
But you gotta have turkey on Thanksgiving.
I mean, Thanksgiving with no turkey is like, like Fourth of July with no apple pie.
Or Friday with no two pizzas.
All right, fine if it means that much to you, but there's going to be a ton left over.
No, no, they won't.
I promise.
I will finish that turkey.
You're telling me you can eat almost an entire turkey in one sitting?
That's right.
Because I'm a Tribbiani.
And this is what we do.
I mean, we may not be great thinkers or world leaders.
We don't read a lot or run very fast.
But damn it, we can eat.
You know, it's nothing.
OK.
So I think I'm going to take off.
Yeah.
No, wait.
Joey, no, wait.
It is.
It's something.
It's my boss.
Yeah?
Yeah.
And my baby.
Yeah?
My boss wants to buy my baby.
What?
Oh, my God.
I know.
I told you it's a really big problem.
He wants to buy your baby?
Can you believe that?
That's crazy.
That's what I told him.
How did this even happen?
I'll tell you.
See, my boss and his wife, they can't have children.
So when we were at the Christmas party and he got drunk and he said to me Rachel, I want to buy your baby.
Man.
When you said it was a problem about your boss and the baby, I figured it was something about maternity leave.
Oh.
Yeah, that would have been a much simpler problem.
Hey, great advice on that Joey thing.
Yeah, the work problem?
It was perfect.
I mean, it really felt like he was my friend again.
What problem did you tell him you have?
Oh, that's not important.
The point is, I really, I think everything's gonna be okay.
May I help you?
You think you can just buy my friend's baby?
I have a date tonight.
It has to go well, okay?
I'm scared for my health.
Okay, okay.
Oh, I got something.
Okay, it's this story that I came up with.
Very romantic.
I swear, any woman that hears it, they're like, putty.
Really?
Well, then tell it to me.
Okay.
Now you're going to want to have sex with me when you hear it.
But you have to remember, it is just the story.
I'll try to control myself.
Okay.
Years ago, when I was backpacking across Western Europe.
You were backpacking across Western Europe.
Have a nice six more months, Ross.
Okay, okay, okay.
I'm sorry.
Please, please.
You were in Western Europe, and...
I was just outside of Barcelona, hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo.
I was at the end of this path and I came to a clearing and there was a lake, very secluded and there were tall trees all around.
It was dead silent, gorgeous.
And across the lake, I saw a beautiful woman bathing herself, but she was crying.
Mmm.
Mmm, this is great wine.
It's from France.
In Europe.
Western Europe.
You know, a few years ago, Uh, actually, I was backpacking across Western Europe.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Wait, it gets better.
Um, yeah, I was in, um, Barcelona.
I studied for a year in Barcelona.
Anyway, um, so I was, um, I was hiking.
I love hiking.
Oh, that's great!
I was hiking along the foothills of Mount Tibidabo.
I think it's Tibidabo.
Okay, do you want to tell the story?
Sorry, honey, I'm just having a rough day.
Oh, what's wrong?
Oh, you really just don't want to hear about it.
Then why did I ask?
Okay, it's just.
I mean, this is really embarrassing.
But lately, with this whole pregnancy thing, I'm just finding myself How do I put this?
Um...
Erotically charged.
Is that college talk for horny?
Yeah.
So you know, I have all of these feelings and I don't know what to do about them.
Because I can't date like a normal person, which is fine, because I don't need a relationship.
I mean, all I really want is one great night.
Just sex, you know?
No strings attached.
No relationship.
Just someone that I feel comfortable with and who knows what he's doing.
Just one great night.
I mean, is that really so hard... to find?
How was your day?
It was good.
I saw a pretty big pigeon.
Well, I got to get up early, and it's almost 7 o'clock, so... Yeah, I got to go to my room, too.
Okay, good night.
Good night.
I can't do it.
I didn't ask you to do it.
You're Rachel.
You're Joey.
You're my friend.
He's right back at you.
Plus, it would be wrong and weird and bad.
And so bad.
I don't even know what you're talking about because I didn't ask you to do anything.
I know.
You want to do it?
No!
I mean either.
I'm just testing you.
Hey, well, that's the end of this conversation.
This conversation never happened.
Never happened.
Good night.
Get back in there.
Joey, those are my maternity pants.
No, no, these are my Thanksgiving pants.
Well, that's it.
I'm done.
Here come the meat sweats.
Well, Joey, we're all very proud of you.
Yes, I believe we can expect a call from the president any moment now.
Is there anything we can do for you?
No, just nobody press on my stomach.
You can keep those pants, by the way.
What do you got there?
Is that pie?
Yeah, you want some?
Just cut me a little sliver.
A little bigger.
I'm bigger.
What, are you afraid you're gonna run out?
Cut me a real piece.
Hi.
Hi.
So, which one of you lucky boys is Chandler?
Uh, that's me.
That's me.
Joey Tribbiani.
Big fan.
So is that a bedroom?
Yeah, yeah, right over there.
All right, whenever you're ready.
That was weird.
Why would she go in the bedroom?
I'm waiting.
So she's a... Yep, that's one naked hooker.
So, tonight's not a big bachelor party?
Yeah.
Hey, thanks for giving me that girl's number.
No problem.
Say, who's the party for?
My husband.
You hired your husband a hooker?
She's a stripper.
No, she's a hooker.
Is that what they call strippers sometimes?
When they're hookers.
Oh, my God, Stu.
I can't believe you did this.
Are you absolutely sure she's a hooker?
It's either that or she's just the best, most expensive date I ever had.
Maybe you should just ask her to leave.
Why me?
Hey, it's your bachelor party.
Which is why you should do it.
I don't want to.
You do it.
You do it.
You do it.
All right, rock, paper, scissors, who has to tell the whore to leave?
What?
I miss this.
I don't think we've actually done this before.
No, no, no.
No, I miss hanging out with you.
Well, we still hang out.
Not like we used to.
Remember?
You and me used to be inseparable.
Now it's like things are different.
Well, you know, things are different.
I'm married now.
Yeah, sure.
And hey, don't get me wrong.
I am so happy for you guys.
But I just miss hanging out just us, you know?
Yeah, I miss that too.
I'll tell you what.
For now on, we'll make time to hang out with each other.
You got it.
Come in here.
Oh, God.
Listen, I am this close to robbing you guys.
She's a hooker!
She's a hooker!
She's a... Hi.
We spoke on the phone.
So now you go.
No, I don't want to tell you.
Why not?
Because it's embarrassing.
More embarrassing than shiny raspberry lip balm?
I didn't say raspberry before, did I?
Just tell me, Rick.
Just tell me.
Okay.
All right, stand up.
Well, when we're at the door, I lightly press my lips against his and then move into his body just for a second.
And then I make this sound.
Mmm.
Okay, I know it didn't sound like anything, but I swear it works.
Yeah, well, yeah, that would work, yeah.
All right, I got to go to bed.
Honey, I had such a wonderful time.
Yeah.
Me too.
You know you called me that before.
So I took the liberty of fashioning a star out of aluminum foil.
Now, no pressure.
You like my cookies, you give me the star.
Wow, a star!
I know you all hate me, and I'm sorry, but I don't care.
Okay, Joey, you're up next.
Oh, my God.
This is amazing.
You get an A. I get an A?
An A in school?
Hey, I'm a dork.
Joey, I'm so proud of you.
I think you should give him your star.
Excuse me?
He doesn't even know what he's doing.
We're all beginners here.
Nobody knows what they're doing.
I do.
I'm a professional chef.
Oh, relax.
It's not a courtroom drama.
If you're a professional chef, what do you do in taking introduction to cooking?
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
It's just that.
Um Well, I cook at this restaurant Alessandro's, and I just got a really bad review.
Oh, Alessandro's.
I love that place.
You do?
Oh, yes.
You're an excellent chef.
As a person, you're a little... Oh, I'm totally crazy, but you like the food?
Very much.
Okay, then.
I don't stink.
I'm a good chef.
Okay.
I don't want to go.
I'm having fun.
Well, actually, did either of you pay for this glass?
Hey, hey, hey, if my friend says it's time to go, it's time to go.
Every year, Ross makes a toast, and it's always really moving and always makes them cry.
Well, this year, I'm gonna make them cry.
And you wonder why Ross is their favorite?
No, really.
Anytime Ross makes a toast, everyone cries and hugs him and pats him on the back.
And they all come up to me and say, God, you are a brother.
You know what they're gonna say this year?
God, you.
Well, I can promise you, at least one person will be crying.
You know?
I'm an actor, and any actor worth his salt can cry on cue.
Really?
You can do that?
Oh, are you kidding me?
Watch.
Well, I can't do it with you guys watching me.
Hey, so, uh, how's it going living over at Ross's?
It's good, except he makes us watch the Discovery Channel all day long.
Did you know that something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the Middle Ages?
Oh, thank you.
I'll see you guys later.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
One lucky to go cup of coffee.
Honey, I wish you would get over her.
I hate seeing you like this.
Is there anything I can do for you?
Do you want to look down my top?
Thanks, but maybe later.
Oh, Gunther, could I get a scone?
Do you want anything?
You don't know what I want?
I want a lot of things.
I want to be with the woman I love on Valentine's Day.
And I want her to love me back.
And I want just one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that that's never gonna happen.
We have red bagels.
Okay.
I'm pregnant.
What?
Now, give him the sandwich.
Give him the sandwich.
Well, obviously, this is a mistake.
You can't be pregnant because you have to have sex to get pregnant.
Joe, I tried to wait until I was 25 like you did.
What?
Tina.
What?
I can't believe this.
You're the good one.
You went to college.
Both years.
Who did this to you?
Bobby Corso.
But he's a real nice guy.
I like him a lot.
He's real funny.
You got pregnant for funny?
Dina, if he's funny, laugh!
I'll be back in a little while.
You stay here.
Why?
Where are you going?
I can't look at you right now.
Did Rachel find you?
No, why?
Oh, she was looking for you.
Oh, well, I guess I'll catch up with her later.
Well, does she really want to talk to you now?
Yeah, it seemed pretty important.
Oh, no.
What?
I think I might know what this is about.
Really?
Yeah uh, Uh.
We promised we were gonna tell anybody this, but uh, about a month ago, Rachel and I slept together.
And?
Well, I thought you'd be a little more shocked.
Oh, I'm sorry.
And?
Well, we said we'd just do it that one time, but now I think she may want to start things up again.
Yeah, I don't think that's what it is.
You like Rachel?
Yes.
I like Rachel.
Rachel?
Yeah, okay.
Hey, you know, you know who else I like?
You.
And it doesn't get said enough.
I like you, Ross.
Rachel, Rachel?
Yeah, it's not a big deal.
It's not a big deal?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just, um, I...
What about all the stuff you just said?
I mean, how about, like, if you can't stop thinking about her, like, how you can't sleep?
I'm an actor, you know?
As a group, we tend to be overdramatic.
Rachel, who's carrying my baby?
Rachel?
No, I know it's bad, and I know it's wrong, okay?
But it's not like anything's ever gonna happen.
You know, these are just feelings.
They're gonna go away.
You know, I gotta go.
Oh, come on, Ross.
Hey, Ross, Ross, don't... I just, you know, I just have one... Rachel!
Rachel!
I don't believe in these crazy diets, you know, just everything in moderation.
Your muffins.
I'll take those to go.
For the kids.
Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you.
You were on the show years ago and then they killed you off.
What happened there?
It's so stupid.
I said some stuff in an interview that I really shouldn't have said, but believe me, that is not going to happen today.
Understood.
So what did you say back then?
I said that I... You guys, this is Shelly.
She's interviewing me for Soap Opera Digest.
Shelly, these are my friends.
Hi, I'm gal pal Rachel Green.
And if you want the dirt, I'm the one you come to.
This might be Joey's baby.
Who knows?
I'm just kidding.
Seriously, gal pal, Rachel Green.
You just lost the respect of her unborn child.
Um, I'm gonna just go get this warmed up.
Okay.
Joey, you're doing great.
Yeah, so far, nothing stupid.
Mento?
No, thanks.
This is so exciting, so glamorous.
People taking our picture.
How do I look?
A little tall.
What?
Would you mind crouching down a little bit so that I look taller?
There you go.
Good job, Joe.
Well done.
Top notch.
You liked it?
You really liked it?
Oh, yeah.
Which part exactly?
The whole thing.
Here we go.
No, no, no.
Give me some specifics.
I love the specifics.
The specifics were the best part.
Hey, what about the scene with the kangaroo?
Did you like that part?
I was surprised to see a kangaroo. in a World War I epic.
You fell asleep.
There was no kangaroo.
They didn't take any of my suggestions.
Thanks a lot for coming, buddy.
See you later.
Don't go.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Look, this guy fell asleep.
He fell asleep, too.
Be mad at him.
Or call an ambulance.
Hey.
Look, I know you've been really depressed lately, so I've brought someone over to cheer you up.
Right outside this door is a real live furry playmate.
No, I'm not sleeping with your friend Jane again.
Hey, a dog.
Oh, hi.
Ooh, you gotta admit, looks a lot like Jane.
This is the happiest dog in the world.
I borrowed him from my friend Wendy.
So you can keep him till he cheers you up.
And he will cheer you up.
Thanks so much, Pheebs.
We are going to have so much fun.
Yes, we are.
Not that kind of fun.
In what John Huston film would you hear this line?
Badges?
We don't need no stinking badges.
Treasure of the Sierra Madre.
Correct.
There's a possible backwards bonus.
Madre Sierra, the of treasure.
Yes.
I'd like to go up the ladder of chance to the golden mud hut, please.
Wise choice.
How many rungs?
Six.
That noise can only mean one thing.
Hungry monkey!
I'd like a wicked wango card.
Okay.
It's an audio question.
Name this television theme song.
Da-da.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Okay, I know this.
Give me a second.
Tell it to a time turtle.
Shut up!
I dream of genius.
Yes, yes, you're back in the lead.
I'd like to spin the wheel.
Oh, come on!
Super speedy speed round.
Is there a hopping bonus?
Of course.
Who invented bifocals?
Ben Franklin.
Correct.
Which monarch has ruled Great Britain the longest?
Queen Victoria.
Correct again, but you forgot to switch legs between questions, so no hopping bonus.
Oh, every time!
Now, over to Chandler.
I'd like a Google card.
Are you sure?
Yes.
No.
Google.
Oh, my God.
Congratulations, Ross, because, Chandler, You've been bamboozled!
This is the best game ever!
So, proper digest crossword puzzle.
And guess who is the clue for Three Down?
Three Down.
Days of Our Lives star Blank Tribbiani.
That's me!
I'm Blank!
How cool is this?
We know Three Down.
I'm touching Three Down.
Yeah, you are, baby.
Three Down knows I'm married.
What's Three Down doing?
So do they call you to tell you your name's gonna be in this?
No.
They really like me over there, though.
They wanted to do a big profile on me, but I said no.
Why'd you say no?
Remember what happened the last time I did an interview for them?
I said I write a lot of my own lines and then the writers got mad and made my character fall down the elevator shaft.
So who knows what I might say this time.
If only there was something in your head to control the things you say.
Oh, come on, Joey.
You will totally keep it in check this time.
And plus, you know, the publicity would be really good for your career, and you deserve that.
And if you do the interview, you could mention, oh, I don't know, gal pal Rachel Green?
Is that gal pal spelled L-O-S-E-R?
You're in love with her?
I thought you knew that.
Um, no.
Look, if it helps, I don't want to feel this way, honest.
I just keep thinking, I'll get over this, you know?
But it just keeps getting harder, and I don't know what to do, you know?
What do I do?
You need to find out where she is, because if she's not where you are, then you can start to move past this.
What if, uh and I'm not saying she will be, but If she is where you are, then uh, Then my feeling weird about it shouldn't stand in the way.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Look if she's gonna end up with somebody else.
Truth is she couldn't find a better guy, so Okay, thanks.
So when do you think you're gonna talk to her?
Oh, my God, I have to tell her.
I haven't even thought about what I would say.
What should I say?
I'm understanding, but let's not get carried away.
Oh, you told your dad the truth about an hour ago.
Want to go see a movie?
Yes.
Bye, Dad. consequences of your decision.
Hey, I do, too, think about the consequences of my decisions.
But what gives you the right to... Go to hell!
Stupid guy on my phone.
I'm not worried about her.
I'm worried about my baby.
Whoever she dates, my baby dates.
Now, where is this actor taking them?
Hey, I'm an actor, too.
I'm not sure.
I think they're taking the ferry out to some Italian place on Staten Island.
A ferry?
My baby's going on a ferry.
Do you have any idea how dangerous those are?
Aren't we talking about those big boats that carry cars?
They go, like, five miles an hour.
Why don't they just jump out of an airplane, huh?
That's a fun date.
Or burn each other with matches.
That's fun, too.
Whee!
Hey, Joey.
Hey, Cash.
Hey, this is Ross.
Ross, this is Cash.
Hey.
Hey, I hear you're going on a ferry tonight.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Bit of a daredevil, are we?
Hey, you guys, you think this is too slutty.
Hi, Cash.
Hey, Rachel.
Huh?
You ready to go?
All right, I'll see you guys later.
Okay.
Have a great time, you guys.
Thank you.
Yes, it is true, slutty!
He said that you were looking for a new place?
Oh, yeah.
Hopefully across the street.
If certain Dutch people would just let go.
I was kind of hoping you'd stay.
But, Joey, I have to go.
There's no room for a baby here.
No room?
It's a baby.
It's, like, this big.
You can put it over here.
Or we can put it right here.
Oh, it's cute, right?
Or put it over here.
You wouldn't even notice it.
Where's the baby?
Hey, it's not just a matter of where you put it.
I mean, a baby changes everything.
They cry all the time.
I mean, imagine bringing home some girl and trying to score when there's a screaming baby around.
I could use a challenge.
It's getting pretty easy.
It's so sweet that you want me to stay, but I can't do that to you.
I mean, it would disrupt your entire life.
I just... I love living with you so much.
I just wish things didn't have to change.
I know.
You know, I blame Ross for this.
I do, too, a little bit.
I'm gonna miss you.
You're the hottest roommate I ever had.
Hey.
Oh, good.
You're here.
Uh, thieves?
Listen, uh, sit down.
I got something I want to say.
All right.
Um, you know, it's a scary world out there, especially for a single mom.
You know, and I always felt that you and I have a...
Special bond.
So... Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me?
Oh, my God.
Joey!
Oh, yeah, I'll marry you.
You can't marry him.
Hey, lady, your day's over.
It's my turn.
Phoebe!
What?
Why can't you marry me?
I can and I will.
She's not pregnant.
It's Rachel.
Rachel's the one who's pregnant, okay?
Oh, my God.
Hey!
Phoebe, I think he would notice when you didn't have a baby in nine months.
It's Joey!
I think I'm falling in love with you.
Joey, Joey, I love you so much.
But I. But.
Joey.
Right.
Hey, that's, uh, that's OK.
It's fine.
It's, uh, pretty much what I was expecting, you know?
So, uh, it's no big deal, all right?
I think I'm going to go.
No, Joey, please don't.
Please don't leave like this.
No, come on.
You cannot do this to a pregnant woman.
Start doing that.
You can't do that, Rich, because then you're going to make me do this.
Okay, we go.
I cannot.
Joe.
You know, I was only kidding you.
