I know, just quick, quick question, quick question.
Which one was Deep Impact and which one was Armageddon?
Deep Impact was the one with Robert Duvall.
Armageddon is what's going to happen to you if you wake me up.
I'm sorry, I just can't sleep.
Where is that book that you were reading with the two women who were ice skating and wearing those hats with the flowers on it?
Because every time I look at that cover I'm like It is in the living room, where there is also a light.
And no one will kick you in the shin.
I'm sorry, I thought maybe I'd make some warm milk and it would help me sleep.
With a wok?
I thought you were gonna read my boring book to put you to sleep.
It got interesting.
Dan, you, Oprah?
Here, let me make the milk.
I'm up anyway.
Hey, you know what we could do?
You know, now that we're up?
We could just, like, talk to each other all night long, you know?
Like we did when we were first going out.
It'd be fun.
Okay, that does sound fun.
Yeah.
So, I mean, how bummed were you when the second sister died, huh?
The second sister dies?
No.
No?
No, I was talking about the book I was reading.
The Second Sister Dies in Archie and Jughead Double Digest?
That's correct.
What?
What are you doing?
Do you know what just happened?
Yeah, we had sex and then we fell asleep.
No, we were in the middle of sex.
And you fell asleep.
No.
No, that's not true.
No, best time ever.
You rocked my world.
Monica.
What?
I was giving you some of my best moves, and you missed it.
So please wake up so we can do it right.
Okay, okay, I'm ready.
Come on, big fella.
Give me the good stuff.
Yeah!
No, no, no, don't fall asleep.
Okay, I'm going to make you some coffee.
I probably won't spill coffee grounds all over the kitchen floor.
Die Hard, still great.
Yeah.
Hey, what do you say we make it a double feature?
What else do you rent?
Die Hard 2.
Joey, this is Die Hard 1 again.
Oh.
But we watch it a second time, and it's Die Hard 2.
Joey, we just saw it.
And?
And it would be cool to see it again.
Yeah!
Die Hard!
Dude, you didn't say die hard.
Is everything okay?
Yeah, I just got, uh, I got plans.
Well, John McClane had plans.
Uh, you see, the thing is I want to get out of here before Joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody bitch.
What are you talking about, bitch?
What happened?
I don't know.
He fell asleep.
That is all.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, well, I better go.
Yeah, I think that would be best.
All right, I'll talk to you later.
Okay, but not about this.
No, never.
Never.
So, uh... All right.
Bye.
No touch, no touch.
Just brought back your videos.
Hey, Ross, look, I think we need to talk about before.
No, no, we don't.
Yes, we do.
Now, look, that was the best nap I ever had.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Come on, admit it.
That was the best nap you ever had.
OK.
When?
All right, all right.
It was the best nap ever.
I said it, OK?
But it's over, Joey.
I want to do it again.
We can't do it again.
Why not?
Because it's weird.
Fine.
You want something to drink?
Sure, what do you got?
Warm milk and excedrin PM.
Boy, I'll tell you, that judging stuff took a lot out of me.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Think about maybe going upstairs and taking a little nap on my couch.
Why would I care about that?
No reason.
I'm just saying that, uh, that's where I'll be.
Great nap.
It really was.
Dude, what the hell are you doing?
Excuse me.
I don't know, Monica.
It feels funny just being here.
I mean, if you buy a bed from Janice's ex-husband, that's like betraying Chandler.
Not at these prices.
Hi.
You know, in England, this car would be on the other side of the store. whoosh oh oh phoebe come here oh this is my new bed you gotta feel this bad boy oh monica it still feels so weird you know chandler's your friend oh oh my god oh all right take this bed you can make other friends Dum-da-da-dum, hey-yay, hey-yay, delivery from the Mattress King.
You, Ms.
Geller?
Okay.
Sign here.
Do I have a middle name?
All right, Monica Falula... Geller.
It's that bedroom there.
Hi.
Hey, Monica bought a bed from the Mattress King?
Yeah.
So please, please, please don't say anything to Chandler.
You want me to lie to Chandler?
Is that a problem?
No.
What's this?
Isn't it cool?
Vroom, vroom.
This is not the bed I ordered.
I know.
You must have won, like, a contest or something.
Baby.
Why is this car in my bedroom?
I'm sorry, okay?
I wasn't looking, and the store said that they won't take it back because you've signed for it.
When did I sign for it?
When I was you.
You know what?
It's all Joey's fault because he left his nose open.
Did you make brownies today?
Knock, knock.
Quick, take off your dress.
You won't notice the bed.
Hey, I'm going for sushi.
Does anybody want, uh...
Whoa, somebody missed the off-ramp.
It's Monica's bed.
What?
Okay.
It's a race car.
So this has always been Monica's bed.
You're just noticing now?
How self-involved are you?
Okay, well, if this bed isn't new, then how come there's plastic on the mattress?
Sometimes I have bad dreams.
Uh, may I help you?
Yes, hi.
I talked to you on the phone on the lady who got stuck with the race car bed.
Look, it's like I told you.
There's nothing I can do.
You signed for it.
Monica Falula Geller.
All right, jester man.
Look, we want to see the king.
Nobody sees the king.
Okay, I'm talking to Kane.
Hey, you can't go back there.
Oh.
My.
God.
Hey, watch it, lady!
Hey, good looking.
All right, I'll leave.
My bed's so boring.
What are you doing?
I reorganized the fridge.
See?
Bottom shelf, meats and dairy.
Middle shelf, fruits and vegetables.
And top shelf, expired products.
Why are you doing this?
Because I am bored.
Out of my mind.
I've already been to the bank, the post office, and the dry cleaners.
Dude, you just described seven days worth of stuff.
You gotta spread it out a little, you know?
Haven't you ever been unemployed?
Hey, I am not unemployed.
I'm on sabbatical.
Hey, don't get religious on me, okay?
A guy in your position needs to be a little better at relaxing, you know?
Why do you think we have the comfortable chairs, huh?
Come here, sit down.
Ready?
Watch.
Oh!
And then... Oh!
Huh?
So what, we just sit?
Oh, no, no.
We're not gonna just sit.
Watch.
Hello, Mr. Bing.
I love you.
All right, whoever this is, stop calling me.
It's been six months.
It's not funny.
But I love you.
Leave me alone.
For the love of God, leave me alone.
And that's Wednesday.
Ben, I want you to know that there may be some times I may not be around like this.
But I'll still always come back like this.
And sometimes I may be away longer like this.
But I'll still always come back.
And sometimes I'll want you to steal third, and I'll go like this.
Oh, he is so amazing.
Oh, I know.
Look at him.
Ben.
Ben.
Hey, Ben.
Nothing.
I don't think that's his name.
Oh, look, look, he's closing his eyes.
Oh, look, he's opening his eyes.
He doesn't do much, does he?
No, this is pretty much it.
You guys want to get some coffee?
Yeah.
Man, I'll see you guys later.
Oh, look, he's closing his eyes again.
Well, is everybody else having just the best time?
Shh.
Shh.
Joey's asleep.
After he passed out, we put the sand around him to keep him warm.
Well, I assume the happy couple isn't up yet.
Did you guys hear them last night?
Oh, yeah.
I don't know what they were doing, but at one point, sea turtles actually came up to the house.
Morning.
Hey.
Hey.
How'd everybody sleep?
Oh, great.
Like a log.
Us too.
I'm going for a walk.
Good morning.
Nice breasts, by the way.
Oh, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
There's none of that in here.
Oh, come on, man.
At least let me finish this last one.
Okay, but only if you give me a drag.
Okay.
Oh.
Oh, dark mother, once again I suckle at your smoky teat.
Oh, no, why don't you hold on to that one?
Okay, that's like the least fun game ever.
Well, I'm really sick of your smoking, so I brought something that is going to help you quit.
Oh.
Nope, that patch is no good.
Juan, it's a hypnosis tape.
This woman at work used it for two weeks straight, and she hasn't smoked since.
What's your problem?
Nothing.
It's just that hypnosis is beyond crap.
Ross, I watched you get hypnotized in Atlantic City.
Hey, that guy did not hypnotize me, okay?
Oh right, because you always pull your pants down on the count of three and play wipe out on your butt cheeks.
All right, forget hypnosis.
The way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked in a field of heather and then bathe in the sweat of six healthy young men.
Or what my father calls Thursday night.
Falling fast asleep.
Deeper, deeper, deeper.
You are now completely asleep.
You don't need to smoke.
Cigarettes don't control you.
You are a strong, confident woman who does not need to smoke.
A strong, confident woman.
The millionaire's here!
Oh, my God!
Guys, please.
I'm just going to have dinner with him, okay?
Okay, okay.
Just because he buys you dinner does not mean you owe him anything.
I know.
Okay, then get the lobster.
Every knife.
Cigarettes don't control you.
You are a strong, confident woman who does not need to smoke.
A strong, confident woman who does not need to smoke.
Cigarettes don't control you.
You are a strong, confident woman who does not need to smoke.
You want to make him a cheese sandwich every day.
And you also want to buy him hundreds of dollars worth of pants.
So you're up for keynote speaker.
Yeah.
Who's making the decision?
Professor Sherman.
Yeah, I'm meeting with him today.
Oh, he's a pretty tough guy to impress.
Yeah, well, I think I know how to dazzle him.
Oh, you're not going to do a magic trick, are you?
No.
The data we're receiving from MRI scans and DNA testing of these fossils are staggering.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, we've been accepting Leakey's dates as a given, but if they're off by even 100000 years or so, then you can just throw most of our assumptions you know right in the trash.
So what I'm saying is... is that... is that repercussions could be huge.
I mean not just in paleontology but, if you think about it, in evolutionary biology genetics, geology.
I mean truly the mind boggles.
Well, that's not what you want.
Hello?
Joey, hey, I need to talk to Charlie.
Is she there?
No, she went shopping with Rachel.
Why, what's up?
Well, I'm meeting with Professor Sherman about my being the keynote speaker.
Oh, how's it going?
It could be better.
He, um, he fell asleep.
What?
But I already bought my ticket to Bermuda.
Barbados.
Fine, I'll rent a car and drive.
Ross, you have to get that job.
What am I supposed to do?
He's cold.
In fact he was just talking in his sleep before, and evidently he wants someone named Fran to spank him harder.
Well, just wake him up.
I can't.
If he realizes that I'm the one who put him to sleep, I won't get the job.
Oh, that's a tough one.
Oh, wait a minute.
This happened to me before.
Yeah, I was auditioning for a play and the producer fell asleep.
I... No.
Wait a minute.
It was me who fell asleep.
Yeah, I mean... Hey, Shakespeare, how about a chase scene once in a while?
Oh, my God.
You really want me to be the keynote speaker?
Thank you.
Hey, Kiki.
What are you doing?
Just trying to get comfortable.
I can't sleep in my underwear.
Well, you're gonna.
I've been thinking, you know, about how I'm always seeing girls on top of girls.
Are they end-to-end or tall like pancakes?
You know what I mean about how I'm always going out with all these women.
Because I always figured when the right one comes along, I'll be able to be a stand-up guy and go the distance, you know?
Now I'm looking at my dad thinking... Hey, you're not him.
You're you.
When they were all over you to go into your father's pipe-fitting business, did you cave?
No.
No.
You decided to go into the out-of-work actor business.
Now, that wasn't easy, but you did it.
And I'd like to believe that when the right woman comes along, you will have the courage and the guts to say no thanks, I'm married.
You really think so?
Yeah, I really do.
Thanks, Janice.
Get off.
Janice likes to cuddle at night, which, you know, I'm all for.
But, uh, you know, when you want to go to sleep, you want some space.
So uh, you know how do I tell her that without you know, accidentally calling her fat or something?
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
We can't help you there, because we're cuddly sleepers.
Okay, I'm late for work.
Oh.
All right, are you guys gonna come down?
Uh, yeah, yeah, I'm right behind you.
Okay, good luck, Chandler.
Thank you, Rachel.
Bye, sweetie.
Bye, honey.
Okay, the sleeping thing.
Very tricky business, but there is something you can do.
I thought you guys were cuddly sleeping.
No.
No, not cuddly, not me, just her.
I'm like you.
I need the room.
Okay, come here.
Okay, you're in bed.
Yeah.
I'm gonna use the cushion.
Yeah.
Okay, you're in bed.
She's over on your side cuddling.
Now, you wait for her to drift off, and then you hug her and roll her over to her side of the bed.
And then you...
Roll away.
Hug for her.
Roll for you.
Okay, the old hug and roll.
Yep.
Okay, one question.
Shoot.
You're pretending the pillow's a girl, right?
Honey, you made the bed again.
I told you, you don't have to do that.
This isn't camp.
Oh, then I guess the panty raid last night was totally uncalled for.
Okay, I am going to take a shower, and today I will be singing Jim Croce's Leroy Brown.
Monica!
Hey, Mon.
I have a question.
Is Leroy the baddest man in the whole damn town or the fattest man in the whole damn town?
The baddest.
Otherwise, the song would be fat, fat Leroy Brown.
What are you doing?
I'm just waiting for you, sweetie.
Are you remaking the bed?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You know what?
The way you did it, it was just fine.
Then you're redoing it because?
If I tell you, you'll think I'm crazy.
You're pretty much running that risk either way.
Okay, you see, the debate tag shouldn't be at the top left corner.
It should be at the bottom right corner.
Well, that's not so crazy.
I'm just easing you in.
All right, you see these little flower blossoms?
They should be facing up, not down, because, well, the head of the bed is where the sun would be.
You don't love me anymore, do you?
Actually, if it's possible, I love you more.
Really?
Wow.
Well, then come on.
I want to show you how to fold a toilet paper into a point.
This is so exciting.
It's so glamorous.
People taking our picture.
How do I look?
A little tall.
What?
Would you mind crouching down a little bit so that I look taller?
There you go.
Good job, Joe.
Well done.
Top notch.
You liked it?
You really liked it?
Oh, yeah.
Which part exactly?
The whole thing.
Here we go.
No, no, no.
Give me some specifics.
I love the specifics.
The specifics were the best part.
Hey, what about the scene with the kangaroo?
Did you like that part?
I was surprised to see a kangaroo. in a World War I epic.
You fell asleep.
There was no kangaroo.
They didn't take any of my suggestions.
Thanks a lot for coming, buddy.
See you later.
Don't go.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Look, this guy fell asleep.
He fell asleep, too.
Be mad at him.
I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
Oh, that's nice.
No, no, with him.
I'm on this field, and they hike me, the baby.
And I know I've got to do something, because the Tampa Bay defense is coming right at me.
Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
Right, but it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinking they can take us.
And so I just heave it downfield.
What, are you crazy?
That's a baby?
He should take the sack?
Anyway, suddenly, I'm downfield, and I realize that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right?
Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, right?
So I am running, and I'm running, and that, that is when I woke up.
See, I, I am so not ready to be a father.
Hey, you're gonna be fine.
You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America.
You're gonna make a great dad.
Yeah, Ross, you and the baby just need better blocking.
Oh, isn't this nice?
It's so quiet, I could just lie here all day.
Oh, no.
Open your drapes!
Open your drapes!
So glad we got adjoining rooms.
The sun is out!
Hey, remember when I had corneas?
Okay listen, you go down to the pool and reserve the chairs and I'll get the magazines and the lotion.
Uh, ladies, Ross' speech is in 45 minutes.
No!
Damn it!
Walls are pretty thin, guys.
Then we have to weigh the data from recent MRI scans and DNA testing, which call into question information gathered from years of simple carbon dating.
Look at that woman sitting out by the pool getting tan.
She's all leathery and wrinkled.
I'm so jealous!
Finally, factor in the profusion of new species recently discovered.
Giganotosaurus.
Argentinosaurus.
Not to mention Coldsaurus.
And that's just the herbivores.
I'm not even going to discuss the carnivores.
Their heads are already too big, which is ironic considering their stunted cerebral development.
The United States Garrison in Fort Sopter was fired upon.
Dad, what are you doing here?
Well, it's your mother's bridge night, so I thought I'd come into the city for a little monocuddle.
Since when did you start smoking cigars?
I don't.
I just... I just like the smell of them.
So, uh, what are you really doing here, Dad?
Well, I just wanted to make sure that you're okay.
What makes you think that I might not be okay?
I saw Richard.
Oh.
So how you doing?
I'm fine.
Just a little tired, but I'm okay.
How's Richard doing?
You don't want to know.
No, I really, really do.
Well, he's doing terrible.
Really?
Worse than when he broke up with Barbara.
You're not just saying that, are you?
No, the man is a mess.
Was he crying?
No.
Well, do you think he was waiting till after you left so he could cry?
Maybe.
I think so.
Honey, relationships are hard.
Like with your mom and me.
You know, after we graduated from college, we broke up for a while.
It seems her father, your grandfather, wanted her to travel around Europe like he did.
Of course he got to do it on Uncle Sam's nickel because he was also strafing German troop trains at the time.
However...
You need some help?
From you?
Yes, please.
First of all, Utah?
Dude, you can't just make stuff up.
I hate America.
When I finish this game, I swear I am moving.
Okay, maybe this is so hard because there aren't 50 states.
Let me tell you something.
I have 49 states.
And there are no more.
I think I should be able to eat something.
It's up to you.
Delaware.
All right.
I want my turkey now.
You got it.
You got Nevada twice.
I know.
Yeah.
It's 6.30 in the morning.
We're not working out.
It's over.
No way!
With one pound to go?
Come on!
We're working, we're moving, we're in the zone, we're grooving.
Okay, I don't... I don't mind the last pound, okay?
In fact, I kind of like the last pound.
Okay, so don't make me do anything that I'll regret.
Oh, what you gonna do, fat boy, huh?
What?
Nothing, except tell you I think it's wonderful how much energy you have.
Wow, thanks.
I mean, especially considering how tough it's been for you to find work.
You know.
You know, I mean, you can't tell your parents you were fired because they'd be disappointed.
Uh-huh.
And it's not as if you have a boyfriend's shoulder to cry on.
Well no, but I.
I mean, if it were me, I think I'd have difficulty just getting out of bed at all.
You know, I try to stay positive.
So you... you feel like going for a run?
All right.
Because you know, you don't have to.
If you want, you could just take a nap right here.
Okay.
Just for a little while.
Uh, Rach, what's Huggsy doing in the crib with Emma?
Oh, well, she was just crawling around, and she found him, so I just let her sleep with him.
That's all right, isn't it?
Oh, yeah, of course, yeah.
It's a stuffed animal, you know?
It's for kids, not for adults.
I know that.
Joey, are you sure?
I mean, I know how much you love him.
Rachel, let's be clear on this, okay?
I do not love Huggsy.
I like him a normal amount.
All right.
Well, Emma loves him.
Well, why wouldn't she?
He's a wonderful person.
Look at you all, sweet and innocent, sleeping like an angel with Emma's chubby little hands wrapped around you.
It's okay, Emma, you stay asleep.
Step away from the crib, I'm a living!
It's okay, it's okay, Rach, it's me.
Put down the scrunchie.
What are you doing?
Well, I heard Emma stirring, so I came in to make sure she could reach Huggsy.
Oh.
Oh, thanks.
All right, well, now that I'm up, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Okay, there you go, sweetie.
This isn't over.
Hey, hey, look who's here.
It's Joey, and he brought home a friend.
Joey, Emma's right here.
You promised not to bring girls home in the middle of the day anymore.
No, no, no, it's not a girl.
It's a brand new Huggsy.
Oh, that's so great.
Now Emma has two Huggsy's.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, Emma has one Huggsy, the new Huggsy.
The other Huggsy, I don't know.
I guess I'll just take them back.
Oh, you know what?
When I was a little girl, I had a little pink pony named Cotton.
Oh, I loved her so much.
I took her everywhere.
I would braid her tail.
Make the transfer!
Now, should I be concerned that a button fell off the old Huggsy and I can't find it?
Oh, no, don't worry about it.
I swallowed that years ago.
Oh, what?
I don't think she likes the new Huggsy.
But he's the same.
Yeah, well, I think she wants the old one back.
Yeah, but he's the same.
Joey, come on.
But he's the same.
You're not the same.
I'm trying to put Emma down for a nap.
Have you seen Huggsy?
Uh, original or crappy?
Original.
No, sorry, I haven't seen him.
Then what's that big lump under your covers?
It's Monica.
Okay, is not monica?
All right fine, it's original hugsy, you know, i know emma wants him, but he's mine and i need him.
She's being unreasonable, joey.
There is a reason that emma loves that stupid penguin so much.
Oh, don't cover its ears.
It's because it reminds her of her uncle joey.
It does Yeah, and she's comforted by him because she loves her Uncle Joey so much.
Really?
She loves me?
Oh, yeah.
But you know what?
If you need Huggsy, don't worry.
Emma will totally understand.
I won't, but whatever.
Wait a minute, Rach.
I mean, if Huggsy means that much to Emma, then, well, she can have him.
Oh, sweet.
I knew Uncle Joey would step up.
Look, Emma.
Look who's back.
Forget it.
Forget it.
I can't do it.
Are you kidding?
You're going to take Uggsy away from a little child?
How do you think I got him in the first place?
Who is that?
Don't worry.
I'm brave.
I am brave.
I am brave.
No, no, no, no, no.
Can you tell me who is there, please?
Oh.
My name's Gary.
I live upstairs.
Hi.
Hi.
Do you know what time it is?
It's candy time.
My roommate says that they taste like little drops of heaven.
Oh, please.
Did you hear that?
Little drops of heaven.
4 a.m.
So, can I get some candy?
I am sorry, but some of us have to get up early and go to work.
He does not know that I am not some of us.
I'm sorry, but I'll put some out first thing in the morning.
Well, okay, I'll swing by later.
You live in this building?
Seems like I would have remembered you.
Night, Gare.
You guys are so cute.
I know.
All right.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Okay.
You know, I love doing crossword puzzles with you, honey.
Oh, me too.
Now let's finish this and go to bed.
Okay.
There's only one left.
Three-letter word.
Not dog, but... Cat.
Yes!
You're so smart.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Are we greeting each other this way now?
Because I like that.
Look, I cleaned.
I did the windows, I did the floors.
I even used all those attachments on the vacuum, except for that little round one with the bristles.
I don't know what that's for.
Oh, yeah, nobody knows, and we're not supposed to ask.
Oh, what do you think?
Very clean.
It's great, really, it looks great.
Oh, I see you moved the green ottoman.
How did that happen?
I don't know.
I thought it looked better there.
And also, it's an extra cedar on the coffee table.
Yeah, it's interesting.
But you know what?
Just for fun, let's see what it looked like in the old spot.
Just to compare.
Let's see.
Ha!
Well, it looks good there, too.
Let's just leave it there for a while.
I can't believe you tried to move the green ottoman.
Thank God you didn't try to fan out the magazines.
I mean, she'll scratch your eyes right out.
Guys, I am not that bad.
Yeah, you are, Monica.
Remember if I lived with you?
You were like a little, you know...
That is so unfair.
Oh, come on.
When we were kids, yours was the only raggedy-and-all that wasn't raggedy.
Okay, so I'm responsible.
I'm organized.
But, hey, I can be a kook.
All right, you madcap gals.
Try to imagine this.
The phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away.
Why not?
Because you're a kook.
Instead, you wait until they send you a notice.
I could do that.
Okay, okay.
Then you let me go grocery shopping and I buy laundry detergent, but it's not the one with the easy-pour spout.
Why would someone do that?
One might wonder.
Someone's left a glass on the coffee table.
There's no coaster.
It's a cold drink.
It's a hot day.
Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood.
Stop it!
Oh, my God.
It's true.
Who am I?
Monica, you're Mom.
Go to bed, guys.
Good night, Monica.
Mon, you're gonna leave your shoes out here?
Uh-huh.
Really?
Just casually strewn about in that reckless, haphazard manner?
Doesn't matter.
I'll get them tomorrow.
Or not.
Whenever.
She...
Is a kook.
If it bothers you that much, just go out and get the shoes.
No.
Don't do this.
This is stupid.
I don't have to prove anything.
I'm gonna go get them.
But then everyone will know.
Unless I get them and then wake up really early and put them back.
Oh, I need help.
