Hey, wouldn't it be cool if our duck and our chick had a little baby?
We could call it Chuck.
Or Dick.
Hey.
Hey, hey.
Listen, I need a favor.
I was in the shower, and as I was... cleansing myself.
I, uh, I, well, I felt something.
Was it like a sneeze, only better?
No, no.
I mean, I mean like a thing on my body.
What was it?
Well, I don't know.
It's kind of in a place that's not...
It's not visually accessible to me, and I was hoping maybe you guys could help me out.
Why?
Come on, you guys.
It's no big deal.
Just go away.
Huh.
Well, what is it?
Is it a mole?
No, it's too wrinkly to be a mole.
Ew, is it what, a pimple?
No, it's fancier than a pimple.
Look, Ross, why don't you just go see a doctor?
Okay, well, it's definite.
Two more weeks of winter.
All right.
I have a weird feeling about this place.
I mean, how do I know they're not gonna secretly videotape me and put it all over the Internet?
Because, honey, I mean this in the sweetest way possible.
Nobody's gonna want to watch that.
Mr. Bing, here you are.
You'll go into that room and deposit your specimen into the container.
You know, I usually have to call a 900 number for that kind of talk.
Thanks.
Got it.
All right, honey, my tests are down the hall.
You sure you're gonna be okay?
Yeah, I guess.
I know this is embarrassing, but nobody cares.
No one here even knows you.
Oh, my God!
Oh, come on!
How great is this?
Eh, we're probably fertile.
Let's go home.
Why are you here?
Well, Sid and I are trying again, and we had trouble last time because apparently we just got No no, no.
I mean, why?
Why is she here?
Oh, someone's a little cranky today because they have to do it in a cup.
Oh, they gave you the kitty size.
What?
This was fun, but I've got an invasive vaginal exam to get to.
I'd love to stay, but I've got a hot date.
Please go.
Just let me know if you need a hand.
Uh-huh.
Nowhere to run.
I don't like sitting up here.
I'm gonna go over there.
Wait till they got here first.
Why is Ross doing that?
Danger!
Oh, my God!
Why is he jumping on those women?
We should help them.
I don't think they need any help.
Someone in there?
No.
This is just part of a daredevil game that I play called wait until the last moment before I burst and die.
Jeez, man, did you fall high.
So, uh, did you?
Did you fall high?
Someone was in the ladies' room.
I couldn't wait.
I left the lid up for you, though.
You know what, uh, go ahead.
I'm talking to, uh... This is the part where you'd say your name.
Ginger.
Ginger.
I'm talking to Ginger, so... Don't you have to use the bathroom?
Nope.
Nope.
I just, uh, I'd rather talk to you.
Yes I do.
Yes I do have to go to the bathroom.
Someone in here.
Hi.
Hey.
Hey.
So, what's the final head count on my baby shower?
About 20.
A couple people from work who had something else to do.
Also, both of your sisters called, and neither can make it.
What?
You mean they're not coming to a social event where there's no men and no booze?
That's shocking.
Well, I don't care.
As long as my mom's here.
Oh, my God, your mother.
What, my mom's not going to be here?
Well, given that we forgot to invite her, it would be an awfully big coincidence if she was.
My God.
Well, it wasn't my fault.
Phoebe was in charge of the invitations.
Well, I don't have a mother, so often I forget that other people... Oh, give it a rest.
So my mother is not coming to my baby shower?
No.
Neither is mine.
You know what?
Don't worry, okay?
We'll take care of it.
We'll call her.
You just go home and get ready.
Please, make sure she comes.
It's really important to me.
I mean, that's my mom.
I know, I know.
What's her number?
I don't know.
Go.
I have my book.
Go.
Wait a minute.
If you're in charge of the invitations, why am I the one who has to call her?
Hello, Mrs. Green.
Hi, it's Monica Geller.
Oh, hello, Monica.
Hi.
I know this is last minute, but we've decided to throw an impromptu baby shower for Rachel today.
I know.
My daughters told me about it when they received their impromptu invitations a month ago.
Hey, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
For what, dear?
For not inviting me or for lying about it?
Oh, my God, my ass is sweating.
Oh, please, please.
Can you come?
It's today at four.
Well, all right.
I'll see you at four.
Thank you.
Isn't it at 3?
Son of a bitch!
Hey Joey, how'd the audition go?
Incredible.
I met the director this time and you will never believe who it was.
Alright, I'll give you one hint.
Warren Beatty.
Yeah, there's just one thing that might be kind of a problem.
See, I, uh, I had to kiss this guy.
Because he was just so darn cute?
No, as part of the audition.
See, I'm up for the part of this guy who the main guy kisses.
Well, hey, you're an actor.
I see you just suck it up and you do it.
Or you just do it.
I did do it.
I'm a professional.
So what's the problem?
See, after the scene, Mr. Beatty comes up to me and he says, good actor, bad kisser.
Can you believe that?
Me?
Not a good kisser.
That's like, like Mother Teresa.
Not a good mother.
Come on, who cares what that guy thinks?
You know, what does Warren Beatty know about kissing?
Oh.
Hey, what'd your agent say?
Yep, this kiss thing is definitely a problem.
Mr. Beatty wants to see it again on Monday.
Man, I gotta figure out what I'm doing wrong.
Oh, okay.
One of you girls come over here and kiss me.
Forget it.
Hey, come on.
I need your help here.
All right, I'll do it.
I've kissed him before.
I can do it again.
See this?
Huh?
This is a friend.
Uh-huh.
Let's go.
I'm done.
Okay.
Good.
Very good.
Firm but tender.
I'd recommend you to a friend.
Then I don't know what it is.
What's the problem?
Joey, you know, maybe you're just not used to kissing men.
You know, maybe you just tensed up a little bit.
Maybe that's what you need to work on.
Yeah, that makes sense. over my dead body.
And I'll be using his dead body as a shield.
All right.
I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this because I want to be a good friend and, damn it, I am a good friend, so just shut up and close your eyes.
You are a good friend.
Of course, the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it.
But that was a hell of a kiss.
Rachel is a very lucky girl.
I really owe you an apology.
For what?
Well, when we first met, you know, I thought you were pompous and arrogant and obnoxious.
This is your first apology?
No, I just mean that, you know, first impressions don't mean anything.
And I think you're a really good guy, and I'm sorry that I misjudged you.
Morning.
Yeah.
But you know what?
Hey, new day, new leaf.
I am just really, really happy I'm sorry.
Obviously, Heather's ass has something more important to say, so I'll just wait till it's finished.
What?
I was giving you an apology, and you were totally checking her out.
I wasn't checking her out.
I'm in fashion.
I was looking at her skirt.
Or was it pants?
I didn't really see what happened below the ass area.
Oh, well, you are really, you're really a creep.
What do you even care if I was looking at her?
Are you jealous?
Oh, yeah, I'm jealous.
Oh, Gavin, please, please look at my ass.
Stop looking at my ass.
I mean, I just think you are totally inappropriate, okay?
This is a work environment.
She's your subordinate.
But it was okay when you slept with your old assistant, Tag?
That is totally different for two reasons.
One, I didn't know that you knew that.
And two...
I wasn't some creep staring at his ass.
We had a deep, meaningful relationship.
Huh.
What was Tag's last name?
It was... Oh, my God.
He didn't have a last name.
I'd like to toast Ross and Emily.
Of course my big toast will be tomorrow at the wedding, so this is kind of my little toast, or Melba toast, if you will.
Okay.
I've known Ross for a long time.
In fact, I knew him when he was going out with his first girlfriend.
And I thought things were really gonna work out for him until the day he overinflated her.
Oh, dear God.
I'm sure we're all very excited that Ross and Emily are getting married at Montgomery Hall.
I mean, to think, my friend getting married in Monty Hall.
Oh, come on, Monty Hall, let's make a deal.
Come on, you people.
All right, forget it.
Congratulations, Ross and Emily.
Hey, best man number two, Joey Triviani.
Now, I'm not good with the jokes like Chandler here, but... Why are we here?
Okay, okay, take a guess.
The hot chicks?
Okay, okay, I was typing names into the library computer earlier, you know, for fun.
And I typed mine in, and guess what came up?
My doctoral dissertation.
It's here.
Yeah, it's right down here in the biggest library in the university.
Wow, that's actually pretty cool.
Yeah.
Oh, um, there's also a book here by a woman named Wendy Vagina.
Ooh.
What is that?
Sounds like two people are really enjoying the Dewey Decimal System.
I'm so sorry.
You didn't bring me here to do that, did you?
Excuse me.
Hi, I'm a professor here.
Do you know the paleontology section, fifth floor, stack 437?
Well, yes.
Just give me five minutes.
I just have to find someone to cover my shift.
No, no, no!
Can I speak to someone in charge, please?
How can I help you?
Hi, I was wondering, is it possible to increase security in the paleontology section?
See, I wrote a book that's up there and, instead of reading it, people are well, they're rolling around in front of it.
We are aware of the problem you're referring to.
But as far as increasing security, I'm afraid the library is very understaffed.
I can't help you.
Well, fine.
Fine.
If I'm the only person with any appreciation of the sanctity of the written word, then I'll go up there and defend it myself.
And don't you follow me.
Yes?
Yes?
How can I help you?
We were just looking around.
Oh, oh, your fellow scholars.
What exactly were you looking for, hmm?
Perhaps, uh, perhaps Dr. Chester Stock's musings on the Smilodon Californicus?
Uh... Uh, uh, get out of here! meeting someone?
Or are you just here to brush up on Merriam's views on evolution?
Actually, I find Merriam's views far too progressionist.
I find Merriam's views far too progressionist.
I'm sorry.
Who are you?
I'm a professor here, Ross Geller.
Ross Geller?
Why do I know that name?
It's a... Wait.
Did you write this?
Yes.
You're the person who checked out my book?
No.
You look nothing like I would have thought.
You're... You're so young.
Well, I, uh... I skipped fourth grade.
I am very, very sorry.
Oh!
Oh!
Excuse me, ma'am.
Yes?
You can't put your cigarette out on a tree.
Yeah, I can.
It worked real well.
No, but you shouldn't.
So don't ever do that again.
I won't.
Until I have my next cigarette.
Hold it.
NYPD freeze punk.
What?
That's right.
You are so busted.
Book them.
Who are you talking to?
Save it, Red.
Unless you want to spend the night in the slammer, you apologize to the tree.
I am not going to apologize to a tree.
You apologize to the tree right now, or I am calling for backup.
Backup!
Backup!
I'm sorry!
Sorry!
Okay, cancel backup!
Cancel backup!
Oh, I miss you already.
Can you believe this happened?
No, no.
And yet it did.
Goodbye, Janice.
Kiss me.
Oh, Chandler, sorry.
Oh, Chandler, sorry.
Hey, Janice.
Hi, Monica.
Okay, well, this was very special.
Rach, go and see who's out here.
What's going on?
Oh, my God.
Janice.
Hi.
Janice is gonna go away now.
I'll be right back.
Oh.
Joey, look who it is.
Whoa.
Oh, good, Joey's home now.
This is so much fun.
This is like a reunion in the hall.
Oh, hi, Ross.
Yeah, there's someone I want you to say hi to.
He just happened to call.
Hello, Ross.
Okay now Joe, you know that, since you're returning all of this stuff after the audition, you're gonna have to wear underwear.
All right, well, you better show me some of that, too, then.
Okay, it's missing something.
Oh, I know.
Really?
A purse?
It's not a purse.
It's a shoulder bag.
Looks like a woman's purse.
No.
Joey, look.
Trust me.
I'm telling you.
All of the men are carrying them in the spring catalog.
Look.
See?
Look.
Men carrying the bag.
See?
Look.
Women carrying the bag.
But it is odd how a woman's purse looks so good on me, a man.
Exactly.
Unisex.
Maybe you need sex.
I had sex a couple days ago.
Oh, no, Joey.
You and I sex.
Well, I ain't gonna say no to that.
Hey, hey.
Wow, you look just like your son, Mrs. Tribbiani.
What?
Are you referring to my man's bag?
At first I thought it just looked good, but it's practical, too.
Check it out.
It's got compartments for all your stuff.
Your wallet, your keys, your address book, your makeup.
Joey, what are you doing with the bag?
Your audition's not till tomorrow.
Yeah, but sandwich time is right now.
Joey, you know you get any mustard on that bag, you can't return it.
Why would I return this?
I love this bag.
All right, well, then you owe me $350.
Fine.
Do you take Vasa or Mustercard?
Joey.
All right, relax.
Look, I'll pay you with the money from the acting job I am definitely gonna get, thanks to you.
What's the part, Auntie Mame?
Don't listen to them.
I think it's sexy.
You and I sexy?
I'm off to my audition.
How do I look?
I think you look great.
Joey, that bag is going to get you that part.
I had a date with a man.
You know what?
Make fun all you want.
This is a great bag, okay?
And it's as handy as it is becoming.
Now, just because you don't understand something doesn't make it wrong, all right?
So from now on, you guys are gonna have to get used to the fact that Joey comes with a bag.
You ready, Joey?
Well, you must be new here.
If we get a table, I'd buy you a drink.
I'm sorry, could you try it without the purse?
Yeah, sure.
Well, you must be new here.
Maybe we sit... I'm sorry, can I ask you something?
Sure, what?
Well, first, it's not a purse.
Okay.
Anytime.
I mean, if you're thinking it's a woman's bag, it's not.
It's a man's bag.
Okay.
And go.
Let me show you the catalog.
Look.
See?
Huh?
It's the latest thing.
Everyone's got one.
Men, women, children.
Everyone's carrying them.
Um, do you sell these bags?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
These babies sell themselves.
Okay.
Thank you.
That was great.
Yeah, but I didn't even read anything.
I think we've seen enough.
Okay.
All right, that's it.
We got it.
We got it.
Hey, did Rachel find you?
No, why?
Oh, she was looking for you.
Oh, well, I guess I'll catch up with her later.
Well, does she really want to talk to you now?
Yeah, it seemed pretty important.
Oh, no.
I think I might know what this is about.
Really?
Yeah.
We promised we were going to tell anybody this, but about a month ago, Rachel and I slept together.
And?
Well, I thought you'd be a little more shocked.
Oh, I'm sorry.
And?
Well, we said we'd just do it that one time, but now I think she may want to start things up again.
Yeah, I don't think that's what it is.
Well, Rach, we're running low on resumes over here.
Do you really want a job with Popular Mechanics?
Well, if you're gonna work for mechanics, those are the ones to work for.
Hey, look, you guys, I'm going for anything here, okay?
I cannot be a waitress anymore.
I mean it.
I'm sick of the lousy tips, sick of being called excuse me.
Rach, did you proofread these?
Uh, yeah, why?
Uh, nothing.
I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent computer skills.
Oh, my God!
Oh, do you think it's on all of them?
Oh, no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.
Joey, you look familiar.
Are you on TV or something?
Well, Joey doesn't like to talk about it, but he's one of the stars of Days of Our Lives.
That's right.
That's right.
Don't you play a woman?
A woman in a man's body.
Much better.
So, you know, Ross, it's funny, because you look familiar to me, too.
Have you ever been married?
Well, yes, yes, I have.
In fact, just the other day, Kristen and I were talking about how I've been married and how I have a son.
Yeah, little Eric.
That's right.
Wait, no, Ben.
So you've just been married the one time, then?
Well, um... You've been married twice?
Yes.
And... another time after that.
Boy, I'm getting hungry.
Hey Joey, have you ever been so hungry on a date that when the girl goes to the bathroom, you eat some of her food?
You said the waiter ate my crab cake.
Yeah.
So, uh, Ross, now, why did that first marriage break up?
Hmm?
Was it because the woman was straight or because she was a lesbian?
Do you two know each other?
No.
It just seems like Ross is the kind of guy who would marry a woman on the verge of being a lesbian and then push her over the edge.
Nothing.
This is the nine millionth ring store we've been to and I can't find the perfect ring.
Ugly ring, ugly ring, ugly ring.
It's a beautiful selection.
Okay, so maybe you don't get her a ring.
Maybe you do something different, you know?
Maybe you get her an engagement bracelet, you know?
Or an engagement tiara.
Ooh!
An engagement revolutionary warm-basket!
You know, I'm so glad I picked you to help me with this.
Huh?
Can't you just imagine getting down on one knee and handing her this gorgeous piece of weaponry?
Yeah, I'm gonna stick with the ring.
You've been quiet all morning.
Is everything okay?
Mm-hmm.
You sure you're all right?
Yep.
Okay.
Um, well, I'm gonna go grab us some breakfast.
FYI.
There it is.
In the future, when a girl asks for some ill-advised sympathy sex, just do it.
Wait, wait.
You're mad at me about last night?
I was just trying to do the right thing.
Really?
Well, it seems to me, if you had done the right thing, I would not have woken up today feeling stupid and embarrassed.
I would have woken up feeling comforted and satisfied.
Well... Oh, stop that.
I can't believe this.
I was just being a good guy.
I treated you with respect and understanding.
Oh, that is so...
Hey, I was looking out for you.
Oh, really?
Well, Ross, you know what?
I am a big girl.
I don't need someone telling me what is best for me.
I gotta say, I've not had sex a lot of times before.
This is the worst ever.
Oh, really?
Really?
Well, it wasn't very good for me either.
Oh, okay.
You know, hey, hey, you know what?
You know what?
To avoid this little thing in the future, let's just say you and me never having sex again.
What?
That's right.
Sex is off the table.
I am never having sex with you again.
Dr. Green, are you feeling better?
Ross, listen, you want anything to drink?
Because I'm heading up there.
Yeah, I'll take a coffee.
Thanks, man.
Sure.
Coffee?
Coffee?
Because I'm going up there.
Oh, no, thank you.
Do you guys need anything?
Because I'm heading up there.
I'd love ice water.
You got it.
Joey, what are you doing?
Just being friendly.
Joey, I don't think you're supposed to go back there.
No, no, it's okay.
Right, Gunther?
Don't wink at me.
And put on your apron.
Okay.
I don't see you asking any other paying customers to put on aprons.
Joey, do you work here?
No.
Waiter.
Yeah.
Joey, what's going on?
Why didn't you tell us you work here?
It's kind of embarrassing, you know?
I mean, I was an actor.
Now I'm a waiter.
I'm supposed to go in the other direction.
So is your apron.
You're wearing it like a cape.
I mean, the job's easy and the money's good, you know?
I guess if I'm gonna be hanging out here anyway, I might as well get paid for it, right?
I just feel kind of weird serving you guys, you know?
Joey, come on.
I did it and it was fine.
Yeah, why would it be weird?
Hey, Joey, uh, can I get some coffee?
Okay, I guess it doesn't seem that weird.
Seriously, I asked you before, you still haven't gotten it.
Now it's weird again.
I think it's great that you work here.
You're gonna make a lot of money, and here's your first tip.
Don't eat yellow snow.
215 Coffee House.
Hi.
I'm Ross.
I don't believe we met.
I'm Monica's older brother.
Oh, hi.
I'm Mona from her restaurant.
Oh.
Hello, Mona from her restaurant.
Mona.
Wow, what a beautiful name.
You think so?
I always kind of hated it.
Oh, come on.
Mona Lisa?
Uh-huh.
Huh?
Mona... Um... Klecklachen?
The famous botanist?
Huh?
Oh no, she's uh.
Well, she's dead now, but No, supposedly she was once quite the hottie of the plant world.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, see, I never knew about her.
Linda Klerklachen.
So what table are you at?
Oh, me too.
Good.
Now there'll be someone there who likes my name.
Yes, there will.
Oh, guess what, Molly Gilbert?
You've just been bumped up to table one.
And if it's all right with you, I'm going to take your place at table six.
Martin Klecklachen.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Now, if everyone will please take your seats.
Dinner will be served.
Hey, uh, I thought you were at table six.
Uh, no, nine.
Oh, see before you.
Uh, when you showed it to me, you held it that way which uh, which was misleading.
Well, uh...
Hello.
It was the chair again, okay?
I'm not doing it.
Look, I don't, you know what?
Hey, Joe.
What's up?
Bad news.
I watched the tape and passed it along to my bosses and they weren't interested.
Oh.
Sorry, man.
But, uh, you watched the tape?
Yeah, I liked it.
But, uh, my bosses didn't go for it.
Stupid sons of bitches!
You didn't watch the tape.
What?
Of course I did.
Look, it's one thing not to cast me, but to lie to me?
I'm not lying to you.
I watched it.
Well, you lied again.
I watched it.
Keep going, Pinocchio.
I did.
No, you didn't.
I'm telling you, I watched the tape.
Did you watch the tape?
No.
I can't believe Joey.
I hate being called a liar.
But you are a liar.
What did I just say?
You still here?
Yes, and I have to say, I am not just hurt.
I am insulted.
When I tell somebody I did something... Okay, hold on.
Let me just stop you right there, okay?
First, you lied, right?
Then, you lied about lying, okay?
Then, you lied about lying about lying, okay?
So before you lie about lying about lying about lying about... lying... Stop lying!
Why are you so sure I didn't watch this tape?
You wanna know why?
You wanna know why?
Well, this is going well.
Here's how I know you didn't watch the tape, okay?
If you had seen what was on this tape, believe me, you would have some comments.
All right, now, remember, I got paid a lot of money for this, and it only aired in Japan.
Ichiban.
Ichiban, lipstick for men.
Ichiban, lipstick for men.
Saiko.
And that's how I know you didn't watch the tape.
He really is a chameleon.
I'm not saying it was a bad movie.
I'm just saying, you know, it was a little hard to follow.
I told you there were going to be subtitles.
I know.
I just didn't want to wear my glasses on our first date.
Monica?
It would really help when I'm kissing if you didn't shout out my sister's name.
I'm just checking.
Oh.
Monica?
Mon?
Monica?
Mon?
Monica?
BOY.
BOY.
I'M SORRY.
OH, GOD, I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST THAT.
WHEN YOU MOVED YOUR HANDS DOWN TO MY BUTT, IT WAS LIKE WHOA, ROSS'S HANDS ARE ON MY BUTT.
I'M SORRY.
AND THAT'S FUNNY WHY?
Well, it's not.
I mean, I'm sorry.
I guess I'm just nervous.
I mean, it's you.
You know, it's us.
I mean, we're crossing that line.
It's sort of a big thing.
Well, I know it's big.
I just didn't know.
It was uh, ha-ha big.
Okay, my hands were nowhere near your butt, i know, i know, i know, i know i was just thinking about when they were there the last time.
I'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry okay okay look whoa, i promise i'm good, i'm not gonna laugh anymore.
Okay, put your hands back.
No see now, now i can't because uh, i'm feeling too self-conscious.
Just one cheek.
The moment's gone.
All right, just put your hands out and I'll back up into them.
That's romantic.
Come on, touch it.
No.
Oh, come on, squeeze it.
No.
Rub it.
Oh, no.
Oh, come on, would you just grab my ass?
What?
The worst thing that can happen on an anniversary ever.
Oh, good.
All right, you decide to tell about the Richard thing.
What Richard thinks?
Oh, no.
What Richard thinks?
Simmons.
Go with Simmons.
Okay, I, um, I ran into Richard yesterday, and he asked me if I wanted to go for a bite, and I did.
And the only reason why I didn't tell you is because I knew you'd get mad and I didn't want to spoil our anniversary.
I'm not mad.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, so you bumped into Richard.
You grabbed a bite.
Don't big deal.
Great.
OK, London 1.
Can you message us for room 226?
You OK, Slaughter?
Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
What is with you tonight?
Nothing.
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Okay, thank you.
It's the Italian hand licker, isn't it?
No, it's the one he's licking.
She's supposed to be with you.
You're good.
Oh, Ross, listen to me.
I have sold 100 million copies of my books, and you know why?
The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?
No, because I know how to write men that women fall in love with.
Believe me, I cannot sell a Paolo.
People will not turn 325 pages for a Paolo.
Come on, the guy's a secondary character.
He's just, you know, a complication you eventually kill off.
When?
He's not a hero.
You know who our hero is?
The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?
No, it's you.
Please.
No, really, come on.
You're smart, you're sexy.
Right.
Oh, kiddo.
You're gonna be fine, believe me.
I'll just pee in the street.
Hey.
What's the matter?
Somebody on the subway licked my neck.
Licked my neck!
Oh, Willie's still alive.
What are you guys doing?
Oh, my mom called.
They're gonna run our engagement announcement in the local paper, so we're looking for a good picture of us.
Ooh, I'm afraid that does not exist.
That's not true.
There are great pictures of us.
No, there are great pictures of you standing next to a guy who's going like this.
Oh, my God, that's the creep that you're with at the Statue of Liberty.
I don't know what it is.
I just can't take a good picture.
Oh, here's a great one.
Yeah, I'm not in that.
No, but look at me all tan.
Hey, why don't you guys go get portraits done by a professional photographer?
It's a great idea.
I bet they have one of those wind machines, you know, like... Yeah, that's great.
Next to that, Chandler won't look so stupid.
All right, but I should warn you, I'm not going.
I'm going.
Great.
That's great, Monica.
Great.
Now, Chandler, you want to give us a smile?
Okay.
I'm sorry, is the seat uncomfortable?
No, I am.
Okay, I know you can do this, okay?
You have a beautiful smile.
I do?
Yeah.
All right, maybe you don't have to smile.
Let's try something else.
Let's try, um, try looking sexy.
Okay.
I know.
Let's try a look of far-off wonderment.
Okay?
We'll gaze into our future, and we'll think about our marriage and the days to come.
Chandler, what is the matter with your face?
Wait, this picture's supposed to say Geller and Bing to be married, not?
Local woman saves drowning moron.
Hey, don't laugh at him.
He's my drowning moron.
That's it, that's it.
Take it, take it.
I like this one.
It seems to say, I love you and that's why I have to kill you.
It can't all be bad.
Find the one where you make your bedroom eyes.
Oh, there it is.
Oh, my God.
Those are my bedroom eyes?
Why did you ever sleep with me?
Do you really want to pull at that thread?
Sweet.
That's a great smile.
Easy, natural.
Now pretend I have a camera.
You're changing it.
I can't help it.
All right, all right, all right, all right.
You want to know what I do when I take resume shots?
Borrow money from me?
Okay, first of all, you want to make it look spontaneous, right?
Okay, so here's what I do.
I look down, look down, keep looking down, then I look up.
See?
All right, now you try.
Look down, keep looking down, keep looking down.
Why is there jelly on your shoe?
I had a donut.
You okay?
Yeah, Joey said I needed to relax, so he gave me an antihistamine.
Yeah, and then I fell asleep on the subway and went all the way to Brooklyn.
Brooklyn is far.
Taylor, what were you thinking?
No, no, but don't worry.
Don't worry, because I know how to take a picture now.
Okay, see?
Look down.
Look down.
Look down.
Chandler?
Yeah?
Guys, check it out.
My mom sent me the paper.
Oh, let's see it.
Okay.
Oh, yeah, that looks good.
You guys make a very attractive couple.
Yeah, we look great together.
We really do.
Okay.
Wow, imagine what our kids would look like.
You know, we don't have to, imagine.
I'm marrying her.
We'll just see.
We can't go now.
It looks like Rachel's going to put on a skit.
Oh, my God.
Have you lost your mind?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm finally thinking clearly.
My lucky dress wasn't working out too well for me, but for four years, this baby never missed.
Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, I cannot.
I can't let... Actually, I kind of want to see what happens.
Hey.
Hey.
Nice, uh, costume.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I wanted to give Emily a big American goodbye cheer.
So, okay.
Ready.
Okay.
Give me an E. E. Give me an M. M.
Give me a Y. Y. What do you get?
Oh!
Emily!
Woo!
Emily!
Okay.
That's me as a cheerleader.
Ta-da!
What do I do now?
I think you're done.
Okay, time to take off the bra.
Uh, that was really, uh, great.
But I got to take off, actually.
Take off.
All right, come on.
Let's go get your coat.
OK.
Rachel is my girlfriend.
Oh, god.
OK.
What the hell are you doing?
You scared the crap out of me.
Was that the cake?
Yeah, yeah.
I got a lemon smush.
Come on, she'll be here any minute.
Happy birthday, Pee-hee.
Well, maybe we can make a bee out of one of those roses.
Yeah, we'll just use our special cake tools.
Hey, what's going on?
Oh, my God!
This is so great!
Uh, Eric.
What kind of photography do you do?
Oh, mostly fashion.
So there may be models here from time to time.
I hope that's cool.
Yes, it is cool.
Because I have models here, you know.
Never.
What else?
Oh, yeah.
During the summer, I spend most weekends at my sister's beach house, which you are welcome to use, by the way.
Although I should probably tell you she's a porn star.
Well listen, I still have one more person to meet, but unless it turns out to be your sister, I think your chances are pretty good.
All right.
Who are you?
Hi, I'm Eric.
I'm gonna be Chandler's new roommate.
I'm Chandler's new roommate.
I don't think so.
I could be Chandler's new roommate.
But he told me over the phone.
He told me in person.
Well, I'm going to, uh, going to my new apartment now.
Huh?
Excuse me, is there a woman waiting at the bar?
Someone average height, dark hair, or perhaps doing a puzzle?
There's a drunk Chinese guy.
Well, if I'm still here in an hour, buy him a drink on me.
Can I get you another glass of wine?
I don't know if I should.
I don't want to be drunk when I go home alone.
Got stood up, huh?
Eh, it's no big deal.
It was just a blind date.
Are you worried your date came, saw you, and left?
No.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
So which one of you lucky boys is Chandler?
That's me.
That's me.
Joey Tribbiani.
Big fan.
So is that a bedroom?
Yeah, yeah, right over there.
All right, whenever you're ready.
That was weird.
Why would she go in the bedroom?
I'm waiting.
So she's a... Yep, that's one naked hooker.
So, tonight's the night of the big bachelor party?
Yeah.
Hey, thanks for giving me that girl's number.
No problem.
Say, who's the party for?
My husband.
You hired your husband a hooker?
She's a stripper.
No, she's a hooker.
Is that what they call strippers sometimes?
When they're hookers.
Oh, my God, Stu.
I can't believe you did this.
Are you absolutely sure she's a hooker?
It's either that or she's just the best, most expensive date I ever had.
All right, all right.
Maybe you should just ask her to leave.
Why me?
Hey, it's your bachelor party.
Which is why you should do it.
I don't want to.
You do it.
You do it.
You do it.
All right, rock, paper, scissors, who has to tell the whore to leave?
What?
I miss this.
I don't think we've actually done this before.
No, I miss hanging out with you.
Well, we still hang out.
Not like we used to.
Remember?
You and me used to be inseparable.
You know, now it's like things are different.
Well, you know...
Things are different.
I'm married now.
Yeah, sure.
And hey, don't get me wrong.
I am so happy for you guys.
But I just miss hanging out just us, you know?
Yeah, I miss that, too.
I'll tell you what.
For now on, we'll make time to hang out with each other.
You got it.
Come here.
Oh, God.
Listen, I am this close to robbing you guys.
She's a hooker!
She's a hooker!
She's a... Hi.
We spoke on the phone.
Get out of here!
Can't you speak?
Oh, look at me.
Smelly cat, smelly cat.
Smelly cat, smelly cat.
It's not your fault.
Oh my god.
I know.
I sound amazing.
I've never heard myself sing before.
I mean, except in my own head.
This is so cool.
Now I can hear what you hear.
Pretty different, huh?
I am sorry, but I'm incredibly talented.
All right, there's a nuclear holocaust.
I'm the last man on earth.
Would you go out with me?
I've got canned goods.
Hey, you guys, take a look at this.
Check this baby out.
Dug me a hole.
Excellent hole, Joe.
My hole!
Ow!
What?
Ow!
What?
What is it?
Jellyfish sting!
No, it hurts!
It hurts!
It hurts!
Well, can we help you?
Want us to take you back to the house?
Oh, it's like two miles!
Yeah, and I'm a little tired from digging the hole.
Oh, damn the jellyfish!
Damn all the jellyfish!
I gotta do something.
Well, there's really only one thing you can do.
What?
What is it?
You're gonna have to pee on it.
What?!
!
Gross!
Don't blame me.
I saw it on the Discovery Channel.
You know what?
He's right.
There's something like ammonia in that that kills the pain.
Well, forget it.
It doesn't hurt that bad.
If you want some privacy, you can use my hole.
Pass the cheese, please.
God, you can't even look at me, can you?
Nope.
Hey, it's Phoebe.
We can talk to Phoebe.
No, I'm too depressed to talk.
I'll give you $1,000 to talk to us.
Hey, you guys, what do you think about making that beach trip an annual thing?
No.
All right, that's it, you guys.
What happened out there?
What?
We took a walk.
Nothing happened.
I came back with nothing all over me.
Come on.
What happened, Joey?
All right.
No!
Joey, we swore we'd never tell.
They'll never understand.
We have to say something.
We have to get it out.
It's eating me alive.
Monica got stung by a jellyfish.
All right.
All right.
I got stung.
Stung bad.
I couldn't stand.
I... I couldn't walk.
We were two miles from the house.
We were scared and alone.
We didn't think we could make it.
I was in too much pain.
And I was tired from digging the huge hole.
And then Joey remembered something.
I'd seen this thing on the Discovery Channel.
Wait a minute.
I saw that on the Discovery Channel.
Yeah, about jellyfish and how if you...
Ew.
You peed on yourself?
Ew.
You can't say that.
You don't know.
I thought I was going to pass out from the pain.
Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't bend that way.
So?
That's right, I stepped up.
She's my friend and she needed help.
If I had to, I'd pee on any one of you.
Only, uh, I couldn't.
I got the stage fright.
I wanted to help, but there was just too much pressure, so I turned to Chandler.
George kept screaming at me, do it now, do it, do it, do it now.
Sometimes late at night, I can still hear the screaming.
That's because sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak you out.
