Oh, this is so good, you have got to try it.
Oh, damn, I got it on my pants.
Here, I'll get it.
We better take these off upstairs or that stain's gonna set.
I want to wear these pants on our date tonight.
Oh, great.
Okay, bye.
Oh, my God.
That was unbelievable.
Okay, see, I told you.
Yeah, well, sorry, Rach.
I don't believe they're brother and sister.
They're brother and sister?
She sent the chicken back again?
She said it's too dry now and she wants to come back here and explain to you exactly how she wants it.
Well, fine.
I'd like to meet this chicken expert.
Send the Colonel in.
Oh.
My.
God.
Lucky bastard.
Janice, how are you, Miss Hot Shot Chef at the big fancy restaurant with the best chicken ever?
I'm fine.
Oh, what is that on your finger?
I'm blind.
So, who's the lucky guy?
I am so sorry, sweetie.
Are you okay?
You didn't tell her we're getting married, did you?
Well, she saw the ring.
Did she freak out?
Well, she was shocked when I told her, but then again, so were most people.
Right.
Well, she actually has a boyfriend, you know, herself.
His name's Clark.
She also kind of invited herself to her wedding.
Clark, too.
You said no, right?
You said no, right?
Well, she cornered me.
She asked me if the wedding was in town.
I mean, what was I supposed to do?
Lie!
How odd is that?
Your check's in the mail.
Oh, your baby is so cute.
I can't wait to read your book, Ross.
Come on, so she comes to the wedding.
Maybe it won't be so bad.
Do you think she's just gonna sit there quietly?
You don't think she's gonna want to make a toast.
You don't think she's gonna want to grab the microphone and sing part-time lover, oh my god, she's not gonna like the chicken that night either, is she?
You know what it's gonna be.
Okay, you know what.
She's probably not gonna even want to come.
Really no, that was a lie.
See how easy that was.
You would have just lied.
Yes.
Would it have really been that easy?
Yes.
Good.
So do it Saturday night, because we're going to dinner with her and Clark.
Who are they?
The blonde is my ex-wife, and the woman touching her is her close personal friend.
You mean their lovers?
If you want to put a label on it.
Wow!
Anything else I should know?
Nope, nope, that's it.
Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby.
I always forget that part.
Come on, you know what?
Let's just go.
No.
Hey, we're not leaving till we get paid.
I don't know who she thinks she is.
Enough is enough.
Hey, widow.
Widow?
Excuse me.
Excuse me!
Thanks.
Um, clearly this is a very, very hard time for you.
Um, but, um, we provided a service, and we deserve to be paid because you ate that service.
And, um, we are not leaving here until we are paid every penny.
Because you know what, Landy?
We're part-time caterers, and we have no place else to go.
All right.
I'll get my bag.
I'm going to leave some cards here.
Please, think of us for your next event.
Were you at the beach?
Yeah, it was really great.
Thank you so much.
And so fun.
Thanks so much.
I can't tell you how much it means to me that you were here.
Are you kidding?
We wouldn't have missed it.
I'm back okay um, excuse me yeah hey well, you were incredible.
You blew them away.
Oh, i can't tell you how great it was to look out into the crowd and see your face.
I mean, did you know you were?
You were mouthing the words along with me.
I was not.
No, it's okay, it made me feel like like a rock star.
Oh my God.
I'm your groupie.
Hey, I better not find you naked in my hotel room.
Look, I took it too far.
And it's all dressed up for the big office party.
Hey, by the way, what are we celebrating?
Oh, we have a lot of liquor left over from the Christmas party.
I think this is so cool.
I mean, none of our friends are here, so we can, you know, be a real couple.
We don't have to hide.
I know.
I can do this.
Oh, and I can do this.
We can't do that.
We can't do that.
Hey, bing!
Whoa!
Who's the pretty lady, and what the hell's she doing with you?
I asked myself that very question, sir.
This is Monica.
This is my boss, Doug.
Doug, this is Monica.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Hi, and this is my wife, Kara.
Nice to meet you, Monica.
Bing!
Okay.
Hey, uh, Bing, did you hear about the new law firm we got working for us?
No, sir.
Yeah, do we cheat them and how?
Come on, honey, let's go drink our body weight, huh?
What was that?
What?
That noise you just made.
Oh, that was my work laugh.
Your work laugh?
Oh yeah, believe me, if you're gonna survive this party, you're gonna have to come up with one too.
Says, $30, father.
Same as in town.
Hey, everybody at work loved you last night.
Really?
And they like me more just because I was with you.
I think you repaired a lot of the damage from when they met Joey.
And Doug wants us to play tennis with him.
He's never even talked to me outside of work.
Except for that time when we bumped into each other at that strip club.
Strip church.
Anyway, I'm gonna go try to find a racket.
Hey, I thought you already had one.
Oh, I used to, but then Joey thought it'd be fun to go to Central Park and hit rocks at bigger rocks.
Hey, wait, do you have a tennis racket?
Oh, um, you know, I lent it to Joey, and I've never actually gotten it back.
Okay, good luck with that.
I can't believe you let them win.
Yeah, well, at least you hid your feelings well about it.
I was frustrated.
It was my racket.
I was frustrated with you.
If we hadn't lost the game, they would never have invited us to dinner tomorrow night.
You know what really bothers me?
It's how different you act around them.
I mean, you know, the throwing the tennis games, the fake laugh, the see you later, Bing.
Not if I see you first, Doug.
I gotta tell you, I don't like work, Chandler, okay?
The guy's a suck-up.
Okay, well, you know why?
Because you said that?
I'm not putting out tonight.
But seriously, I strongly believe that we should all support President Clinton.
And her husband, Bill.
So, how do you kids like your coffee?
Oh, none for me, thanks.
Just a little bit of sugar.
Well, maybe I'll bring it out and have Monica stick her finger in it.
That ought to sweeten it up, huh?
How does that laugh not give you a headache?
Oh, you get used to it.
You know, I don't think that I can.
So if you don't mind, maybe this will be it for me on the work things.
Well, so I laugh at my boss's jokes.
What's the big deal?
I'd rather not hang out with this sniveling work weasel guy when I could be hanging out with my boyfriend, who I actually respect.
Oh.
I ought to apologize for Kara's coffee, you know?
I'd feel sorry for it if it ever got in a fight.
It's not strong enough to defend itself.
See what I said, Bing?
What?
It's a joke, Bing.
What's the matter with you?
Well, I just didn't think it was funny, sir.
Excuse me?
Well, I just... Honey, I just don't think that you understood the joke.
Really?
Yeah, I mean, it was really funny.
I just don't think that you got it.
You see, Kara's coffee is weak tasting.
Okay, but what Doug did was imply that it was weak physically.
You get it now, honey?
I think I do.
Thank you, Monica.
I thought you could use help.
Coffee in a fight.
Miss Green?
Your father's doctor's on the phone if you'd like to speak to him.
Oh, great.
Are you going to be OK?
He's unconscious.
I think we'll be just fine.
Did the TV wake you?
No.
When you put your feet up on my bed, you tugged on my catheter.
Ouchie.
What are you doing here, Giller?
I came with Rachel, who should be back any second.
So what's new?
Oh, I had a little heart attack.
Wait, is it painful?
What, the heart attack or sitting here talking to you?
Let's see if we can get that Rachel back in here.
So what's new with you, guy?
Knocked up any more of my daughters lately?
Nope, just the one, Ray.
Wow, I don't know what to say.
Eh, what do you say?
I don't know.
It's a bracelet.
Isn't it?
And it's engraved, too.
Check it out.
To my best bud.
Thanks, best bud.
Put it on.
Oh, now?
No, no, I think somebody this nice should be saved for a special occasion.
Oh, no, no, that's the beauty part.
It goes with everything.
You put this on, you're good to go.
Oh, man.
You are so wearing that bracelet.
I so am.
We had it, yeah well, we called everyone in your phone book and a bunch of people came, but it took us so long to get you here that they they, had to leave.
We wanted to throw you a big surprise and a great shower, and and now you don't have either, we ruined everything.
Oh no, wait a minute, that's not true.
No, what you did, that was really sweet and it kind of works out for the best.
What do you mean?
Well, now I get to spend my shower with the only people I really love.
I mean, and I get all those presents without having to talk to a bunch of people I don't even like.
Surprise.
Would she be more out of my league?
Ross, back me up here.
Hey, Canaver, got a woman like that in a million years.
Thank you, Bob.
Oh, oh, but you know, you always see these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys.
You could be one of those guys.
You could do that.
You think?
Yeah, absolutely.
Oh, God, I can't believe I'm even considering this.
I'm very, very aware of my tongue.
Come on, come on.
Here goes.
Yes?
Hi.
Okay, next word. would be, uh, Chandler.
Chandler is my name.
And, uh... Hi.
Yes, you said that.
Yes.
Yes, I did.
But what I didn't say was what I was about to say.
What I wanted to say was, uh, would you like to go out with me sometime?
Thank you.
Good night.
Hello?
Hello, is Ross there?
Uh, no, he's not.
Can I take a message?
Yes, this is Russell Ross's divorce lawyer.
Just tell him that since I haven't heard from him, I assume he's decided to give the marriage a try.
Ross got married again?
No!
All right, keep going.
We are phasing the accent out.
Phasing it out.
So, without retesting their results in the laboratory, the team would never have identified the initial errors in their carbon-dating analism.
Were there any questions at this point?
Yes?
What's happening to your accent?
Come again?
What's this nonsense?
All right, I'm not English.
I'm from Long Island.
I was really nervous, and the accent just came out.
I'm sorry.
So if we could just get back to the lecture.
Were there any questions?
About paleontology?
All right, look, I was just trying to make a good first impression.
Obviously, I screwed up.
But what you guys think of me is really important because I'm hoping to get a permanent job here.
So if you just give me another chance to make a good impression.
Ross, are you crazy?
I am still your wife.
What, were you just never going to tell me?
What the hell is wrong with you?
I could just kill you.
Crazy underwear, creeping at my butt.
Crazy underwear, always in a rut.
Crazy underwear.
Oh no, what is he doing here?
All right, just keep playing.
Just keep playing, you'll get through this, you'll be fine.
Okay, thank you.
And as always, no one talked to me after the show.
Hey.
Hey.
I was passing by and saw you were playing tonight.
It's kind of cool seeing you up there.
Yeah, well...
Whoa, hey, hey, whoa.
What's going on here?
Who's this guy?
I don't know.
He just started kissing me.
Get him, get him, Vince.
What?
What?
Yeah, okay, I've been dating both of you.
And it's been really horrible.
Because, you know, it's been a lot of fun for me.
But I...
I like you both, and I didn't know how to choose.
So I'm sorry.
I'm just, I'm terrible.
I'm a terrible person.
I'm terrible.
Phoebe, Phoebe, relax.
It's OK.
I mean, we never said this was exclusive.
Yeah, neither did we.
Give yourself a break.
Really?
Yeah, I mean, you know, we haven't been going out that long.
Come on, we haven't even slept together yet.
You haven't?
Well, this is none of my business.
Presenting the award for favorite returning male character is Mackenzie Williams.
This is it.
This is it.
This is my category.
Oh, my God.
Do you have a speech?
Yeah, I've got my speech.
Do you get your gracious loser face?
Yep.
There you go.
Now, Joey, remember, if you win, you have to hug me.
You hug me.
Okay.
Can I squeeze your ass?
On TV?
Yeah.
In the category of favorite returning male character.
The nominees are John Wheeler from General Hospital, Gavin Graham from The Young and the Restless, Duncan Harrington from Passions and Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives.
And the Sophie goes to Gavin Graham from The Young and the Restless.
Well, that's me.
Here, have this.
I'm only allowed one piece of carry-on anyway.
Wait.
Listen, I have to tell you something.
I've been thinking.
I'm just going to come out and say it, OK?
I think... I love you.
Oh.
Thank you.
It's no problem.
Did you see Monica?
Actually, I think she went to the salon.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, she went to the salon, all right.
Check it out!
Whose day just got better?
Chandler!
Hey!
Ah!
What do you think?
I think... I think I can see your scalp.
Don't you just love it?
Yeah, yeah, you got shellfish in your head.
It's, uh, it's something.
You go, girlfriend.
You never said that in your life, have you?
Not once.
And listen to this.
What do you know?
It's a treat for the eyes and the ears.
Oh, I can't wait for everyone at work to see these.
You go back to work tomorrow night, right?
Yeah.
So if you want people to see them, then by definition you're not having them taken out say, at the break of dawn.
Well, if I had them taken out, then I wouldn't be able to do this.
You like that, right?
Da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da.
What are you singing?
It's Valero from Tin.
It's Ride of the Valkyries from Apocalypse Now.
See, here's the thing.
The cornrows are really a solution to your frizzy hair problem.
And now that we're home, you don't have that problem anymore.
So if you think about it, I hate them.
What?
You said you liked them.
Did I?
Let's refresh.
I believe what I said was that I could see your scalp. so you don't like them.
Everybody else does.
Again, let's journey back.
As I recall, what Rachel said was she had never noticed the shape of your skull before.
And Joey... Well, Joey didn't realize it was anything different.
You know what?
I don't care.
I like it like this, and I'm gonna keep it.
You're just jealous because your hair can't do this.
Get yourself in the tooth?
And the eye!
Honey, you've been in there for a long time.
Is everything okay?
Not really.
I have a problem.
Really?
What happened?
Well, I was dancing around and singing No Woman, No Cry.
I got stuck.
You can't move at all?
Oh, I can move.
If I untangle you, will you please get rid of the cornrows?
I guess so.
Some of these look a little frayed.
Yeah, I tried to gnaw myself free.
Did I miss it?
No, no, I'm on right after this guy shoots himself.
Whoa, she's pretty.
Yeah.
Oh, and she's really nice, too.
She taught me all about, you know, how to work with the cameras and smell the fart acting.
I'm sorry.
What?
Excuse me.
It's like you got so many lines to learn so fast that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one.
So while you're thinking of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this
Here's my scene.
Here's my scene.
Mrs. Wallace?
Yes.
I'm Dr. Drake Ramore, your sister's neurosurgeon.
Tell me, is she going to be all right?
I'm afraid the situation is much more dire than we'd expected.
Your sister is suffering from a... a subcranial hematoma.
Perhaps we can discuss this further over coffee.
Nice!
You know, for a minute there, I thought you were actually trying to smell something.
How did he break up with me?
I don't know, sweetie.
All I ever wanted was to just love him and have him love me back.
I mean, am I so unlovable?
Wow.
I know.
Thank you so much for letting me do this.
Public bathrooms freak me out.
I can't even pee, let alone do anything else.
But what's great is you don't mind talking about it.
It's so amazing that I met you on the same day that Eric broke up with me, because it's like you lose a boyfriend and you get a boyfriend.
Uh-huh.
No, no, no, don't worry.
This is not some rebound thing.
I am totally over Eric.
Phew.
Good choice, Ross.
Hi.
Are you all right?
Yeah, but when I was in the bathroom, I saw the window that I crawled out of at my wedding and...
God, I just started thinking I shouldn't be here.
You know, I shouldn't.
People are gonna be looking at me and judging me and thinking about the last time.
Sweetie, it's gonna be okay, all right?
It's a wedding.
Generally, people focus on the bride.
Oh, God, I know you're right.
All righty, everybody, look at me.
Good, all right.
It's time, bridesmaids and ushers.
Let's see two lines.
Thank you.
Okay.
Okay, I'll see you after the thing.
Okay, good luck.
Thank you.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Ah.
Why the hell didn't you tell me?
I'm sorry.
What was I supposed to do?
Stand up and shout, hey, Rachel, your butt is showing.
Oh, my God, this is so humiliating.
I think the only thing that tops that one was when I was in eighth grade and I had to sing the Copacabana in front of the entire school.
I think I got two lines into it before I ran and freaked out.
Oh, my God, my entire life's flashing before my eyes.
Rich, hey, look, I remember that.
It wasn't so bad.
Oh, Ross, would you stop?
You got me.
I'm dating you.
Rachel.
Hi, Mr. Weinberg.
Hi, Mrs. Weinberg.
It's so wonderful to see you again, my dear.
In fact, I hardly expected to see so much.
You told me you didn't see anything.
I tell you a lot of things.
Are you under the sheet?
Yes.
Great.
Let's begin.
How's the pressure?
Oh.
It's nice.
Well, Phoebe, you are good.
Stating the obvious, but thank you.
And it's not weird, is it?
No.
Oh.
That's right.
You just enjoy.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Oh, God, Phoebe.
Oh, that's it.
That's it, right there.
Oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Where's Chandler?
Oh, he can't make it.
He said he had to go back to his, uh, job and do, uh... Uh-oh.
Joey?
Joey Tribbiani.
Joey, I can see you, okay?
You're hiding behind the coats.
Close one.
Hey.
Is Chandler around?
Nope.
He met some girl at the coffee house.
Ginger something.
No, no.
Are you sure it wasn't something that sounded like ginger?
Like, uh, gingier?
No, it was ginger.
I remember because when he told me, I said, the movie star.
Oh, man.
That's the girl I was hiding from.
When she finds out he's my roommate, she's going to tell him what I did.
What did you do?
Oh, oh, oh, no, no, I can't.
I can't tell you that.
It's like the most awful, horrible thing I've ever done in my whole life.
You know what?
Don't tell us.
We'll just wait till Ginger gets home because it'll be more fun that way.
All right.
Okay, it was like four years ago.
Okay, Ginger and I had gone out a few times, and then this one weekend we went up to her dad's cabin.
Just me, her, and her annoying little dog, Pepper.
Well, that night, I cooked this really romantic dinner.
You gave her food poisoning, i wish.
After dinner me, her and pepper all fell asleep in front of the fire.
Well, i woke up in the middle of the night and i saw that the fire was dying out.
So i picked up a log and threw it on, or at least what i thought was a log.
Oh my god, you threw pepper on the fire, i wish See, I guess another thing I probably should have told you about Ginger is that she kind of has a uh, artificial leg.
Oh, my God!
Joey, what did you do after you threw her leg on the fire?
I ran!
Hi.
So, welcome.
I got beer.
I got bottled breast milk.
Eh, why don't we start with the beer?
Okay.
So, um, Phoebe tells me you play piano.
Yeah.
You know, I used to play keyboards in college.
Huh?
Do you have one here?
No.
Okay.
Um, you know, I'm divorced.
Phoebe says you've been divorced?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I don't really like to talk about it.
That's okay.
We'll talk about something else.
So you're a paleontologist, right?
Yeah.
My cousin's a paleontologist.
Tell me something, Joey.
I just fell right off the couch there.
Yeah, you did.
Okay.
Here you go.
Whoops.
Let me ask you a question.
Yeah.
When was the last time someone told you just how beautiful you were?
Wow.
I can't, I can't feel my hands.
Come on, come here.
Huh?
Huh?
G.I.
Joe... Say, I don't know what to tell you guys.
That's the doll he chose.
What'd you do, dip it in sugar?
Look, G.I.
Joe's in, Barbie's out.
And if you guys can't deal with it, that's just your too bad.
What are you being such a weenie for?
Somebody's a Barbie, big deal.
You used to dress up like a woman.
We used to dress up in mom's clothes all the time.
What are you talking about?
The big hat, the pearls, the little pink handbags.
Okay.
You are totally making this up.
How can you not remember?
You made us call you B. Oh, God.
I've literally never been this happy. there a little song oh please god let there be a song there was no song there was no song i am okay i drink tea okay that's that's why won't you won't you won't you won't you dance around with me Oh, my God, can you believe we're surrounded by all this?
I can barely control myself.
Monica, you might want to remember that you're married.
Where is Chandler, anyway?
Oh, my God, Chandler.
Where the hell is everybody?
Why don't you like me?
CHAPTER ONE, MY FIRST PERIOD.
WELL, I BET YOU'RE ALL THINKING THAT NOW WOULD BE A REALLY GREAT TIME FOR AN INTERMISSION, HUH?
OH, YES, GOD, YES.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET ONE, CAUSE IN LIFE THERE ARE NO INTERMISSIONS, PEOPLE.
NOW CHAPTER SEVEN, DIVORCE IS A FOUR-LETTER WORD.
How could he leave me?
I don't know.
You seem lovely.
Mona?
Okay, if I were a salmon shirt, where would I be?
I am so sorry.
I spilled wine all over your shirt.
Oh, it's okay.
No, it's still wet.
You know what?
Let me get it out before it sets.
Oh, I have something you can wear.
I don't know if I want to wear a woman's shirt.
No, no, that's a man's shirt.
Awfully pink.
Ross!
Hello!
Ross, what are you doing?
Not touching myself, if that makes anyone less uncomfortable.
Hey.
All right, well, let's try one whenever you guys are ready.
Uh-oh.
Is there a problem?
Well, this is noodle soup, and I've been working with tomato.
But it's okay.
No problem.
No problem.
Mmm, noodle soup.
You know, that's fine, but the line is, mmm, soup.
Oh, what'd I say?
Mmm, noodle soup.
How's that different?
Oh, yeah.
All right.
Let's try one.
Mmm, noodle soup.
Okay.
Let's do it again.
Okay.
Mmm.
Soup.
I mean, noodle soup.
I mean, soup.
Come on!
You know what?
We need to move on.
No, I can do it one more time.
See?
Look.
Mmm.
Noodle soup.
Damn it!
I just want you to know that what you...
Witnessed in there, that wasn't for fun.
It wasn't fun?
Why?
Why would you... Look, I just don't want you to think that we're animals who do it whenever we want.
Oh, I don't think that.
Before today, I never thought of you two having sex at all.
It was a simpler time.
The truth is, Dad, we're trying.
Yeah, we're trying to get pregnant.
Oh, my God.
This is so exciting.
Well, get back in there.
I'll guard the door.
It's okay, Dad.
We can wait until later.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't think so.
Aren't you ovulating?
Daddy.
Well, you got to get at it, Princess.
When your mother and I were trying to conceive you, whenever she was ovulating, bam, we did it.
That's how I got my bad hip.
It's funny.
This conversation is how I got the bullet hole in my head.
I'm quitting.
I just helped an 81-year-old woman put on a thong and she didn't even buy it.
I'm telling you, I'm quitting.
That's it.
I'm talking to my boss right now.
Yes, I am.
Yes, I am.
Yes, I am.
Yes, I am.
Yes, I am.
Yes, I am.
Okay, bye.
Call me when you get this message.
Oh, Mr. Waltham, I really need to talk to you.
In a moment, please.
I'm in the middle of a task.
And you have a customer.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi, I'm Joshua.
Hi, I'm Rachel Green.
What can I do for you, Joshua?
Well, I need a whole new wardrobe.
My wife, well, my ex-wife.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Anyway, she burned all of my clothes, so I got away with two things.
This suit turned out to be a skirt.
Well, at least that's a great suit.
Yeah, but it wasn't much fun dropping it off at the dry cleaners in the skirt.
So I need everything down to underwear, so if you're willing, I'm all yours.
Okay.
Rachel, you needed to speak to me.
No, no, that wasn't me.
Well, we should get started.
Let me show you my underwear.
The selection of underwear that we carry.
Would you like to go to a basketball game with?
You know, it's funny basketball, because I happen to have tickets to the Um.
Who likes the Knicks?
What do you think?
Oh, well...
As a single woman who is available, I think you look great.
Huh?
Yeah?
Yep.
Oh, yeah.
You look great.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, this looks great.
Um, so you like it?
I do.
I do.
I love it.
In fact, I think I'm gonna wear it home. help.
Well, I guess this is it.
Thanks.
Maybe I'll see you in the spring, you know, for the bathing suits.
Well, you don't want to do that now?
That's okay.
Anyway, hopefully I'll see you around sometime.
Basketball!
Sorry?
I, uh...
I have two tickets to the Knicks game tonight if you're interested, just as a thank you for this week.
Wow.
That would be great.
Really?
Yeah, that would be fantastic.
My nephew is crazy about the Knicks.
This is fantastic.
Thank you so much, Rachel.
Good morning.
Hi.
Okay, for next time, what do you say?
I have an extra ticket.
An extra ticket.
Not two tickets.
I have an extra ticket.
So the first time you asked a guy out, he turned you down?
He didn't turn me down.
He's at the game, isn't he?
I got the date.
I'm just not on it.
Can I check out this bad boy?
12 megabytes of RAM, 500 megabyte hard drive, built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28000 BPS.
Wow.
What are you gonna use it for?
Games and stuff.
There are no jobs.
There are no jobs for me.
Oh, wait, here's one.
Uh, would you be willing to cook naked?
There's an ad for a naked chef?
No, but if you're willing to cook naked, then you might be willing to dance naked.
Hi.
Hey.
Oh, so, um, how'd you make out last night?
That is funny.
That is painfully funny.
No, wait, wait.
Yeah, that's just painful.
Wait a minute.
I thought last night was great.
Yeah, it was.
But I get home okay, and I see Julie's saline solution on my night table and I'm thinking to myself oh my God, what the hell am I doing?
I mean, here I am, I'm with Julie, this incredible, great woman who I care about and who cares about me, and I'm like what am I just gonna throw all that away?
You got all that from saline solution?
Wait a minute, we're talking about Rachel here.
You and Rachel.
Believe me, I've been dreaming about me and Rachel for like 10 years now, but now I'm with Julie.
You know, so it's like me and Julie, me and Rachel.
Me and Julie, me and Rachel.
Rachel, Rachel.
Hey, you.
How are you?
Good.
How are you?
Good.
Hi, honey.
Hi, Julie.
Hi, Julie.
Julie.
Julie.
Um, how are you?
Good.
Good.
So everybody's here.
Everybody's good.
So were you going to play something, Phoebe?
Well, actually... Play it.
All right.
Hey, Julie, I didn't know you wore lenses.
Okay, hi, hello.
Hi, okay.
So this is a song about a love triangle between three people that I made up.
It's called Two of Them Kissed Last Night.
There was a girl we'll call her Betty And a guy let's call him Neil.
Now I can't stress this point too strongly.
This story isn't real.
Now O'Neil must decide who will be the girl that he casts aside.
Will Betty be the one who he loves truly?
Or will it be the one who we'll call Luli?
He must decide.
He must decide.
Even though I made him up, he must decide.
Oh.
What took you so long?
I got caught up at work, but I'm quitting tomorrow.
Ah.
So thanks for having me over.
Rach.
Pheebs.
What the hell was that?
Probably some, you know, European goodbye thing you picked up in London.
That's not European.
Huh?
It felt French.
I've just been working on this big presentation for tomorrow.
Well, I should be involved in that, so why don't you get me up to speed?
That's gonna take weeks.
Why don't you just let me take care of the presentation?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I see what you're doing here, all right?
Listen, this is my job, buddy.
Okay, I've had it for five years, and I know how it works.
So why don't you just catch me up?
Fine.
Oh, God.
I totally messed with the back support on my chair.
How do you fix this?
Hey, you've been here five years.
You figure it out.
Fine, I will.
All right, fill me in.
Listen, as long as we're telling stuff, I have another one for you.
I'm a little younger than I said.
You're not a senior?
Oh, I'm a senior.
In high school.
Okay.
What we did, what's wrong?
Oh, God, I just had sex with someone who wasn't alive during the bicentennial.
I just had sex.
Ethan, focus.
How could you not tell me?
Well, you never told me how old you were.
Well, that's different.
My lie didn't make one of us a felon in 48 states.
Were you thinking i wasn't thinking i was too busy falling?
Don't say it.
In love with you.
Really sorry, we'll fall out of it.
You know you shouldn't even be here.
It's a school night, oh god, oh god.
I'm like those women that you you see, with shiny guys named chad.
I'm Joan Collins.
Who?
Hello.
Hi.
Is Phoebe here?
Uh, no, no.
She's out for the night.
Oh, great.
Can I help you with something?
Well, I don't know.
Are you a masseur?
Yes, I am.
Great.
Thank you so much.
I'll be back to pick him up in an hour.
Okay, now I'm going to touch you.
Oh, that's soft.
Hey, what do you say we move this onto the likes of the couch?
I say cheesy line, but OK.
What's the matter?
I don't know.
I'm sorry.
I don't know why I did that.
Okay.
Okay.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Again, I don't know what happened.
I must be nervous.
I don't get it.
Chandler loved it.
I promise, I promise, I promise.
I won't do it again.
I really do.
I promise.
This is gonna be great.
Okay.
Okay.
Hey!
Hey!
Got champagne?
Yes, ma'am.
Ready to power through.
Excellent!
Okay, stick it in the ice bucket.
The phone is off the hook.
And in the interest of powering through...
Okay, sexy, sexy, very sexy, sexy.
All right, let's do it!
Okay, you're scaring me a little bit.
Oh, get over it, soldier.
We gotta do this.
Okay.
Ha-ha, you like that, huh?
You like that?
Let's kick this into high gear, huh?
Yeah, baby, I'll show you how we do it.
No, no, no.
You need me in my misters.
What?
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
Joey, are you okay?
Soldier down.
Hey.
Hi.
Hey.
Listen, can we ask you a question?
When you and Monica first hooked up, was it weird going from friends to more than that?
Kind of.
You know, sneaking around, having to hide from you guys.
No, no, no.
No, I mean sexually.
Yeah.
Was there a part of you that felt like it was really wrong?
Actually, no.
No, it felt right.
You know, it felt like, uh, I can't believe we haven't been doing this the whole time.
I can tell from your expressions that's the good news you were hoping for.
Well, I'm gonna go continue to spread the joy.
Well, just because it happened that way for them doesn't mean it has to happen that way for us.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
I mean, just because something's difficult doesn't mean that you quit.
Right, totally.
Yeah, so we just keep trying and trying until we do it.
Yeah, and if it doesn't work, then we'll just be one of those couples that never has sex.
That's a plan.
I did not see this coming.
I know.
I don't get it.
I mean, I was so sure this is what I wanted.
Mm-hmm.
Me too.
Well, how come Monica and Chandler could do it?
I guess they weren't as good friends as we are.
Aw.
I bet you're right.
Mm.
So?
Yeah.
I love you.
Love you too.
All right, I'm going to bed.
Yeah, me too.
Yeah, I'm not going anywhere for a while.
I guess we should go.
No, wait, wait.
Oh, you're right.
No, Monica...
Monica, we have to fix this.
There's nothing we can do.
You erased the message.
Yeah, well, unless we tell him.
Look, if you're going to be totally rational about this, I can't argue with you.
All right?
Fine.
If you want to tell him, tell him.
I just... I don't want to be a part of it.
Oh, maybe that's Emily calling back to leave the exact same message.
Hey, Ross.
It's you.
I just want you to remember this feeling.
You are lucky to be alive.
So live every day to the fullest.
Love yourself, okay?
Okay.
Oh, and I'll also get stamps.
Bye.
Wow.
Play that message for Emily and this whole problem goes away.
I gotta tell you, I love your mom's books.
I love her books.
I cannot get on a plane without one.
I mean, this is so cool.
Yeah well, you wouldn't think it's cool if you're 11 years old and all your friends are passing around.
Page 79 of Mistress Bitch.
Hey, hey, hey, she's on.
Ah.
Not a bing.
Now, what is this about you being arrested in London?
What is that all about?
Your mom was arrested?
Shh.
Busy beaming with pride.
Oh, okay.
This is kind of embarrassing, but...
Occasionally, after I've been intimate with a man.
Now, why would you say that's embarrassing?
I just get this craving for Kung Pao chicken.
That's too much information!
All right, so now you're doing this whole book tour thing.
How is that going?
Oh, fine.
I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate.
But I get to see my son, who I love.
Oh!
And this is the way that I find out.
Most moms use the phone.
You know, don't take this wrong.
I just don't see you as a mom somehow.
I don't mean that bad.
Oh, no, I am a fabulous mom.
I bought my son his first condoms.
And then he burst into flames.
On behalf of the Brown Birds of America, I salute you.
Just admit it, Charlie.
You have no backhand.
Excuse me, little one.
I have a very solid backhand.
Shielding your face and shrieking like a girl is not a backhand.
I was shrieking like a marine.
All right, here.
Watch me execute the three Ps of championship play.
Power...
Precision, shoo, and panache.
You broke a little girl's leg.
I know.
It feels horrible, okay?
It says here that a Muppet got whacked on Sesame Street last night.
Where exactly were you around Tanish?
