All right, first name is Tom.
No, no, no, no names.
No names, no rhyming, no sound alike.
Okay, okay, you're getting into my head.
First name is blank, and he goes on a cruise.
He goes on a Caribbean cruise.
I don't know.
Katie Holmes.
No.
But he's married to her.
Oh, Dawson's Creek.
No, no, it has to be a real person, Jim.
Come on.
Okay, no, no, I'm going to pass.
I'm going to pass.
Okay, rhymes with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
No rhyming.
That's not really a rhyme.
Another clue, another clue.
Okay, he's the governor of California.
He is the Terminator.
Those aren't helpful.
Tom Cruise.
No!
Tag!
Does anybody read the paper?
Hey, Jim, Jim.
Do you know who that is?
No.
Look at him.
Look at him.
T-shirt, jeans.
Is it you?
I am flattered.
That's Johnny Depp.
Where'd you take that?
In my condo complex.
Oh, my God, that's right.
I read in People magazine that he was looking for a two-bedroom condo in Scranton.
I'm flipping out, man.
Sure, I thought they should do one.
Hey, Jim.
Jim, where do I find the Black Pearl?
Who's that?
Captain Jack Sparrow.
Captain Jack Sparrow, Jim.
John Dillinger.
No, I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.
Captain Crunch.
Okay, okay.
Hey.
Oh, Pam, can I see you in here for a second?
It's important, so... Okay.
What?
What is this?
I found Dwight's wallet in the parking lot.
Oh, my god.
What are we going to do?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know what the best play is.
Do we tear everything up, or do we buy a horse on the internet?
I mean, I don't know what to do.
What do you think?
I know.
I know what to do.
OK, what?
OK, put everything back exactly how you found it.
OK.
Hey Dwight, Jim and I found your wallet in the parking lot.
What did you do to it?
Nothing.
I'm serious.
What did you do to it?
Dwight, I swear we didn't do anything.
Nice try.
Cancel card.
Cancel card.
Cancel card.
Well, well, well.
Look what the cat dragged in from Stamford.
Hey, Dwight.
Fact.
I am older.
I am wiser.
Do not mess with me.
Okay, sounds good.
What are you doing?
I don't know what you're talking about.
I have a smudge on my forehead.
Oh, good.
Why are you licking my forehead?
I'm not.
Meet my eye line, Jim.
I am.
Stop acting like an idiot.
Okay.
Hey, buddy.
Well, well, well.
Hmm.
Boss for... What was it?
Oh, four and a half hours.
New record.
Low.
Previous record, Henry Roston.
Bossed for nine years four months and he only left because he had family matters to attend to and he Michael.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.
I just won an art contest.
Thanks.
I still don't understand why you wanted me to say that.
Shut up.
I got her.
Not cool, Dwight.
Not cool, man.
Why are you here?
When Daryl was coming, you said you wanted me here for protection.
That.
I said not that.
We just have a lot of stuff down there that could be stolen.
That's ironic.
What?
That you are afraid.
Why?
Because I'm from the hood?
Dink and flicker.
Dink and flicker.
I told Mike some phrases to help with his interracial conversations.
You know, stuff like fleece it out, going Mach 5, dink and flicker.
You know, things as Negroes say.
Okay.
Greatest strength.
A dog-like obedience to authority.
Nice.
That doesn't sound good.
Okay, okay.
How about the ultimate team player?
Dwight is special, but I don't believe that his talents are being used in this office.
So Pam and I have put his resume on Monster.com, Google, Craigslist.
We're really interested most in jobs that take Dwight out of state, preferably Alaska or India.
He's a gun nut.
Mm.
Cumberland Mills?
And how did you get my resume?
Oh, no, no.
I'm very flattered.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm just not sure that it's my official resume or if it's something that maybe a satisfied customer posted online.
What does it say under martial arts training?
Oh.
Okay, I'm gonna have to supplement that.
Could I have your fax number?
Let's see.
I had an aunt that I was really close to.
She was this amazing female boxer.
Um, anyway, she was injured in a fight and she was paralyzed.
So you can imagine how upset I was when I found out that she asked her manager to remove her breathing tube so she could die.
Wow.
If you want to cry, that's OK.
Um a few years ago my family was on a safari in Africa and um my cousin Mufasa was um.
He was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests.
And, um, we all took it really hard.
All of us kind of in the audience.
Do you want to talk about it anymore?
Oh, it would probably take me, like, an hour and a half to tell that whole story.
Me, me, me, me, me, me.
Yes.
Okay.
Um... I was trying to throw this party once, and everyone was over for the weekend.
And then my uncle Bernie died.
And so me and my best friend, we had to pretend like he was alive.
So that... Wait a second.
That's Weekend at Bernie's.
Jim!
Okay.
Jim!
What?
What's happening?
Oh, she's asleep.
Narcolepsy.
Probably.
Okay, now open your eyes and describe it to me.
I don't know.
It has four bedrooms and an aloft.
Oh, my God.
Now she's up?
Yeah.
And she's trying to describe how to correctly butcher a goose, but she's having trouble coming up with it.
Okay.
Cindy!
Yo!
Cindy!
Cindy!
Pull its neck back, insert the knife beneath the jaw, bring it all the way around.
There's gonna be a good amount of blood.
Don't let that bother you.
Have a bucket there for the blood and the innards and the feathers.
Hey, you know what, Dwight?
Maybe we should get our photo ID taken together.
That doesn't make any sense.
Well, it saves time, you know, because we could just meet in the parking lot every morning, walking together.
Perfect.
Smile.
No.
I never smile if I can help it.
Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates.
When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.
This came out really well.
There you go.
This is humongous.
I am not a security threat.
And my middle name is Kurt, not Fart.
What did I write?
I expected you very well tonight.
I have an acute ability to read people.
Jim, for instance, has a huge tell.
When he gets a good hand, He coughs.
Uh, I will raise.
Thanks.
It's the weirdest thing.
Every time I cough, he folds.
Hey, guys.
Jen is ready for you.
Oh, yeah.
OK.
Bring it home now.
And don't forget the new black man phrase I taught you.
Pippity poppy, give me the zoppity.
Yes, sir.
Remember that.
I'll be right outside if you need me.
All right?
Yeah.
I'll tell Mike some new phrases.
I want him to get the raise.
Just can't help myself.
Care for a piece of chocolate?
Chocolate?
Where did you acquire it?
That is a delicacy in the Amazon, but it has not yet been imported to the United States.
Who is the king of Austria?
Joseph II.
Who is the king of Prussia?
Friedrich Wilhelm III.
Who is the king of England?
Why, the tyrant King George, of course.
I don't care what Jim says.
That is not the real Ben Franklin.
I am 99% sure.
Creed is eating an apple.
I found a potato.
Hey, Creed.
Hi.
Okay, so Dwight, in your own words, someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons.
I suspect Jim Halpert.
Everyone has called me Dwayne all day.
I think Jim Halpert paid them to.
Yes.
Five bucks each, and it was totally worth it.
This morning I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder.
I think he may be the real murderer.
Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room.
When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.
Every time I typed my name, it said diapers.
By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier.
Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time I went to the bathroom.
How do you spell animalian?
Animalian.
Yes.
Why?
None of your business.
I'm writing something.
You're writing something?
Forget it, I'll look it up myself.
No, you know what?
You do it.
No, I'm not gonna do that.
Yes, I'm in charge.
You have to look it up.
But I know how to spell it.
So tell me.
Only if you tell me what you're writing.
Forget it, I'll do it.
But you're getting written up.
So now you're writing two things?
Listen, Jim, here's a little tip for your performance review.
Tell Michael that we should be stocking more of the double-tabbed Manila file folders.
We don't have double-tabbed Manila file folders.
Oh, yes, we do.
Yeah, it's a new product.
So you should just suggest that to him, and then he'll be sure to give you a raise.
All right.
Well, I'm not asking for a raise.
I'm gonna actually be asking for a pay decrease.
Uh, that is so stupid.
What if he gives it to you?
I win.
Ugh.
You know what?
I am going to zone you out for the rest of today.
Okay?
I need to stay focused.
And I don't have to see you tomorrow or Sunday.
And please don't call me, and we'll see how things go on Monday.
Wait, wait, wait, one thing.
But tomorrow you mean Saturday, right?
Duh.
Duh.
Today is Thursday, but Dwight thinks that it's Friday.
And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon.
Michael and Jan definitely made out.
Oh.
Maybe more.
Ugh.
Oh, also it is Thursday, but Dwight thinks it's Friday, so we'll keep that going.
Yay!
It is about 1115 and I wanted to know what you were up to tomorrow, which is the 15th and that is a Saturday.
Saturday.
So just let me know what you're doing tomorrow, Saturday, for lunch.
Okay.
Talk to you soon.
Hey, Jim.
Hey, how's it going?
Oh, my God, did you see The Apprentice last night?
Of course.
It's on every Thursday night, so how could I miss it?
Can you believe who Trump fired?
No, that was unbelievable.
Who?
Who was it?
Who did he fire?
You didn't see it?
No.
I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night.
Crap.
I never go out on a Thursday night.
What the hell was I thinking?
Hey, it's 1220.
Where the hell's Dwight?
Um, no idea.
Never missed a day in my ass.
Hey!
I'm here.
It's OK.
OK.
You want to do this the hard way?
We'll do this the hard way.
You wrote down those fake diseases, didn't you?
No.
Was that the hard way?
I know you did.
Then why are you wasting everybody else's time?
Well, because I want to know who wrote those diseases down.
I want you to write something down.
Okay.
I, Jim Halpert, committed healthcare fraudulence.
Wait, one second, because that sounds really good.
Is jackass one word or two?
One, right?
Because of the show, it's one word.
What is Dwight Abides?
It's awful.
The problem Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with all this ridiculous stuff.
Count Choculitis.
Sounds tough.
Why did you write that down, Jim?
Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Do you?
I think you need to confess the fact that what are you doing?
What?
Those are my keys.
Good luck.
Jim!
Damn it!
No!
Jim, let me out!
Jim, let... The light green.
Ring, ring.
Hello?
Hello, this is Dwight Schrute from the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.
Wow, that's great, because I need paper.
Excellent, then you are in luck, because we are having a limited time offer only on everything.
Wow, this is my lucky day.
Ask him his name.
What is your name, sir?
I am Bill Buttlicker.
Really, that's your real name?
How dare you?
My family built this country, by the way.
Be respectful, Dwight, please.
Yes, Michael.
Could you hold on one second?
That's my other line.
What?
No, but I... Hello?
Yeah.
No, I'm just on the phone with this stupid salesman.
He's so dumb.
Probably just gonna keep him on the line forever and not buy anything.
Okay.
It's up to you to change his mind.
Sorry.
That was a family emergency.
Oh, no.
What's wrong?
You know what?
That's private.
Boundaries, Dwight.
Come on.
I'm sorry, Mr. Buttlicker.
As I was saying, we are having a limited... Son, you just have to speak up a little bit louder.
I'm hard of hearing.
He's hard of hearing.
He's an old man.
Okay.
As I was saying, right now, we are having... Yeah, talk louder.
Okay.
Our prices have never been lower.
Son, you have to talk louder.
Never been lower.
Louder, son!
Butniker!
Our prices have never been lower!
Stop it!
Stop it!
Pete!
That is totally inappropriate.
You never yell at the client.
You never yell at the client.
Now you listen to me, sir.
Here we go.
The three words I would describe you as is aggressive, hostile, and definitely difficult.
Give me the phone.
I'm irate right now.
Give me the phone.
Please give me another chance.
Give me the phone.
Mr. Buttlicker.
Give me the phone.
I have to put you on with my boss.
Well, I should hope so.
Who is this?
Hello, this is Michael Scott, regional manager.
Well, this is William M. Buttlicker.
Hello, Mr. Buttlicker.
How may we help you?
Michael, I like the sound of your voice.
You know what I'm going to do?
I'm going to buy $1 million worth of paper products today.
See how it's done?
Thank you very much, sir.
I don't think you'll regret it.
You know what I did?
You are the master.
There is one condition, Michael.
Yes.
You have to fire the salesman that treated me so terribly.
Don't do it, Michael.
That's a million.
Man, what is taking Toby so long?
Oh, I'll just time him later.
And you'll compare the times?
Yeah.
Are you ready?
Set, go!
Am I being mean to Dwight?
I don't know, I did just make him run around the building and I have no intention of timing him.
This isn't even a stopwatch, it's a digital thermometer.
He does make my life harder sometimes, and on purpose.
Like he tried to put meters on the bathroom stalls as a way of bringing in more money for the company.
Hey, three more laps to go!
You gotta pick it up if you're gonna beat Toby!
I should probably get back to work.
Three!
Sorry, quick thing.
So, is it true that if you can't get out, you don't want anyone to help you?
I will get out.
Oh yes, I will.
So we shouldn't help you, no matter how much you might beg and plead.
No, all right.
Just, this is getting hot, so let's just do this, okay?
Ready?
Three, two, one, go!
Is everything okay, Michael?
Yes.
All right, let's get started.
Oh, first off, we're supposed to be pushing card stock this week, so let's push card stock this week.
Also, what is this?
Tape recorder.
For what?
For recording.
Michael is on vacation, and he's asked me to record all meetings and to type up the transcripts.
Okay.
Uh, Karen, any news from that law firm?
Yeah, the deal closed yesterday.
It's a six-month commitment.
Oh, my God.
Dwight, what are you doing?
What?
You're not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office.
I'm not.
Dwight, you know what?
Just back off, okay?
That's making me uncomfortable.
This is sexual harassment, by the way.
Oh my God, he's got a knife.
I do not have a knife.
No, let the record show that Dwight K Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck.
Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar.
White Shrew is now wearing a baby's bonnet.
I am not.
Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in.
Dwight, get his autograph from Michael.
Jim Carrey did not just walk in, okay?
Dwight, what is that on your stomach?
Is that a Muppet baby's tattoo?
Oh, my God, Karen, you're right.
That is animal from the Muppet baby.
You can't see my stomach.
I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw.
You ready?
You kidding?
I was born ready.
Wait, wait, wait.
Um, I don't know how to tell you this, but we have a little bit of a problem.
No, what?
The minister just told me that it's tradition for the bestest mensch to be older than the groom.
Oh, come on.
I've never heard of such a thing.
I haven't heard of it, obviously.
But I'm out because I'm significantly younger than you.
Not significant is a big word.
I think you're... Well, okay.
Either way.
Either way.
Dwight.
I can't be there for you.
I'm sorry.
Jim.
I just really wish there was something I could do.
I can't believe you came.
That's what she said.
Best prank ever.
