What is this?
How did those get out?
I'm sorry.
Professor Copperfield's miracle legumes?
I was in Jamaica, and I got lost.
And it was getting dark this one night and then, out of nowhere, this guy comes with a cart and he's selling these.
He told me things about myself that there's no way you could have known.
That's a common swindler's trick.
Probably.
Probably.
So I buy some.
I turn the corner.
I feel like an idiot.
So I go back to get my money.
It was gone.
So you want to sell me magic beans?
I do not want to sell you Professor Copperfield's miracle legumes.
Nice try.
No, correction, terrible try.
Jim told me you could buy gaydar online.
That's ridiculous.
Probably.
He didn't tell the truth a lot.
Well, let's call him and get the website.
Definitely.
What's Gaydar?
Oh, oh, Gaydar, yes.
No, I think they have it at Sharper Image.
Oh, you know what?
I can check for you.
No problem.
It's sold out.
Yeah, sorry about that.
That's a bummer.
Well, they're sold out.
Damn.
I'll try Brookstone.
I'm just saying that you can't be sure that it wasn't you.
That's ridiculous.
Of course it wasn't me.
Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.
I would remember.
Well, how could you if it just erased your memory?
That's not how it works.
Now, how do you know how it works?
I'm interviewing you.
No, you said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here.
Now, exactly how much pot did you smoke?
What is going on here?
Dwight, thank God you're here.
As it turns out, one of our biggest clients is a ping-pong master.
And I have to play him tomorrow or we lose the account.
Can you help me out?
Will you help me practice?
I told you.
All of my heroes are table tennis players.
Hope this helps, Jim.
What are you doing?
Don't be scared.
It works.
Hey, Dan, this is Jim.
It is about 1115 and I wanted to know what you were up to tomorrow, which is the 15th and that is a Saturday.
Saturday.
So just let me know what you're doing tomorrow, Saturday, for lunch.
Okay.
Talk to you soon.
Today is Thursday, but Dwight thinks that it's Friday, and that's what I'll be working on this afternoon.
Hey, Jim.
Hey, how's it going?
Oh, my God, did you see The Apprentice last night?
Of course.
It's on every Thursday night, so how could I miss it?
Can you believe who Trump fired?
No, that was unbelievable.
Who?
Who was it?
Who did he fire?
You didn't see it?
No.
I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night.
Crap.
Never go out on a Thursday night.
What the hell was I thinking?
I don't want to have to read these tomorrow.
Yeah, who wants to come in on a Saturday?
Yeah, what?
It's 12.20.
Where the hell's Dwight?
Um, no idea.
Never miss a day in my ass.
It's okay!
Put those away.
I'm really sorry.
Pam must have put those out.
All right, just out of curiosity, what were the claims for those beans?
They're legumes, Dwight.
You're just gonna make fun of me, so why would I... You know what?
This ends now.
Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?
Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug.
Okay, tell him that that's not true.
Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.
Okay, now, Jim, tell him bears can climb faster than they can run.
Jim, tell him!
Andy, that was too far.
Damn you.
How's it going?
Well, he has gone from completely hopeless to simply miserable.
Check this out, though.
Spin serve.
Well, it works like 80% of the time, so...
Nice.
So should I schedule the rematch with Daryl now?
I think I'm ready.
I'll make the call.
Wait a minute.
Daryl is the client?
You know I majored in public speaking in college?
You did?
Mm-hmm.
The first thing that they teach you is that you've got to be true to yourself.
And you are all about authority.
Yes, I am.
The great speakers throughout history were not joke tellers.
They were people of passion.
So if you want to do well today, you got to do what they did.
Which is?
You've got to wave your arms and you've got to pound your fists many times.
Okay, I didn't actually major in public speaking, but I did download speeches from some of history's famous dictators, like this one originally given by Benito Mussolini.
Okay look, I know you're giving this speech on your own, but I wrote up a few talking points for you to take a look at.
Hope you don't mind.
Uncle Lance had it.
Blood alone moves the wheels of history!
What the... Oh, my God.
That... That's impossible.
It is, right?
I mean, it's impossible.
All right, I'll take him.
They're probably worthless.
Probably.
Leave the telescope.
I started with a thumbtack and traded my way to a telescope.
But in a way, the most valuable thing here wasn't the telescope at all.
No.
It was this packet of beans, so I traded the telescope for it.
And I can just go buy another telescope.
Who are all these people?
You know what?
I bet a lot of them are wedding crashers.
No way.
Did you ever see that movie?
Of course I saw it.
I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally.
I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theater.
You know, I just wish, I wish I had the investigative powers to actually smoke some of these guys out.
You know.
Once again, Jim, I will take care of this.
I will locate the wedding crashers and report them to Phyllis.
That way I won't have to get her a gift.
Excuse me, sir.
How do you know the happy couple?
Who?
The bride and groom.
What are their names?
Oh, I don't, uh, I'm not sure.
I get it, I get it.
Come on, freeloader, let's move it.
Come on, come on.
Okay, okay, where are we going?
Uh, I'm supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al.
He is old and has brown eyes and dementia.
His family is very concerned.
It's a very serious situation.
Roxanne!
Question.
On the internet, there are several different options to get to your house for the party tonight.
Keep that down.
Why?
Because not everybody knows about the party.
Like who?
Who doesn't know?
Oh, Michael.
Why just Michael?
Because it's a surprise.
Is it?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, that's perfect.
So don't tell.
I won't.
Okay.
Surprise!
Everybody!
Wow.
Here's the thing, okay?
You just keep talking to her.
If you hit a stall, you have a perfect fallback.
What's that?
You buy a purse.
I don't want a purse.
Purses are for girls.
Dwight, that's not necessarily true.
Do you read GQ?
No.
Okay, I do.
They're like mini briefcases, all right?
Lots of guys have them.
Like those?
Yes.
Listen, you're spending way too much time talking to me.
Okay, I'm just gonna use the bathroom.
No, you don't need the bathroom.
You've got it.
Go.
Okay.
Shh, stop.
Stop whatever you're doing, because this is going to be good.
Hi, my name's Dwight Schrute, and I would like to buy a purse from you.
Good Lord, look at these purses.
This is something special.
Oh, my God.
Is this Salvatore Dicini Pasta?
Oh, definitely, definitely step in and out of it like that.
Here it comes.
Damn it, white fruit.
How old's kelly?
Who is this?
It's mose.
Who do you think it is mose doesn't know how to use a phone, so joke's on you.
What's that?
What's happening?
Oh, she's asleep narcolepsy, probably okay, now open your eyes and describe it to me.
I don't know.
It has four bedrooms and an aloft.
Oh, my God.
Now she's up?
Yeah.
And she's trying to describe how to correctly butcher a goose, but she's having trouble coming up with it.
Okay.
Cindy.
Go.
Cindy, Cindy.
Hold its neck back.
Insert the knife beneath the jaw.
Bring it all the way around.
There's gonna be a good amount of blood.
Don't let that bother you.
Have a bucket there for the blood and the innards and the feathers.
I know.
I suck.
Yes, you do.
Dwight says hi.
I do not.
I do not say hi, Pam.
Oh, saying hi louder.
Listen, we're still good for this weekend, right?
You know, the football games, recitals, karate tournaments.
You go to IM.
OK.
OK.
What are you writing about me?
I'm gonna write you both up for not working.
I'm gonna write you up for not working.
Okay.
Well played.
Neither of us will write the other up for not working.
I could always kind of win at roulette.
Oh, really?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
How would you do that?
Mind control.
You can't be serious.
Are you serious?
Ever since I was a little kid, like eight or nine, I could sort of control things with my mind.
I don't believe you.
Continue.
It was just little things, you know, like I could make something shake or I could make a marble fall off the counter.
You know just little things.
That's ridiculous.
You know what?
Uh, why don't you move that coat rack?
Excuse me, everyone.
Attention in the office, please.
Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers, and he needs absolute silence.
Go ahead.
Okay, I'll try.
