Can I ask you all a question?
Do you know what it's like to be disabled?
Andy and Dwight are rocking the sales team.
I feel very blessed.
Go!
Go!
Go!
Block.
Grasp wrist as such.
And what if he comes at you with the other hand?
Because he does have two.
Good point.
Second throat punch.
Absorb the blow.
Groin punch.
Hip block.
Elbow to the gut.
Uh-oh.
Up to the nose.
No, you're not.
Ah!
Oh!
Oh, my God.
He's making you look like such a fool.
He really is.
But not for long.
Ow!
God!
In step!
Oh, not again!
You let go!
You let go!
Oh, you're right!
I can't hold on!
You two are so evenly matched, I don't know how one of you is going to get the upper hand.
The important thing to remember, Jim, we always have. what is called the element of surprise.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have some bad news.
Meredith was hit by a car.
What?
Oh, yeah.
It happened this morning in the parking lot.
I took her to the hospital.
And the doctors tried to save her life.
They did the best that they could.
And she is going to be okay.
What is wrong with you?
Why did you have to phrase it like that?
Hey, I have an announcement.
You pushed Daryl out the window.
He shot Dwight.
No, no, that is not funny.
I love my employees, even though I hit one of you with my car, for which I take full responsibility.
But did you ever think of this?
Would a sober person walk in front of a car?
Ew.
I'm sorry, are you saying that Meredith was drunk at 9 a.m.?
? well it's despicable there's no proof of that that's not that seems early even for her that's not what no no i'm not saying that that's disgusting drunk no you can't get drunk off kalua it's just a kind of coffee then what are you saying i am saying that maybe i was drunk Did you ever think of that?
No.
That's OK.
Look, I'm just trying to take everybody's mind off of this unavoidable tragedy and onto more positive things.
So I thought we should plant a tree.
Oh, good.
At least we don't have to work.
Okay, we're leaving for the hospital at 1.
So, like a freedom tree.
I can take three people.
I can also take three people.
Separate cards.
Pam?
All right, we'll get a card at the hospital, and we'll sign it outside her room.
Pam.
Salespeople can go later in the day.
Hourly workers can go at lunch.
Okay, good, good.
So we'll just all go down there together at lunch.
Excellent.
Good work, Pam.
Yay!
Pam!
Oh.
She looks like an angel.
She looks awful.
No.
OK.
She always looks like that.
It was not my fault.
They don't have this kind of technology at the vet's.
It's not fair.
It's fair.
You know what?
Why don't we go around the room and save one memory of Merida?
I'll start.
I liked her jumpers.
They reminded me of kindergarten.
Jim?
I'll always remember Meredith's back.
That's all I can see from my desk.
All that red hair over a nice strong back.
Sometimes I pretend it's Carrot Top and he's gonna turn around and tell a joke.
She was fun-loving.
OK.
You know, I said Jim.
I think she's awake.
No.
She's in a coma.
No.
OK.
Meredith.
Mm.
Brought all your friends from the office, dear.
At the same time.
Yeah.
Hello, Meredith.
This is weird.
Brought you some balloons.
Why don't we... Here you go.
Tie these up.
Cheer up your tubes.
Oh.
Oh, for God's sake.
Okay!
Hold on, Michael!
I am coming!
Wait there!
Dwight!
Michael, why don't you call your girlfriend?
I don't have a girlfriend.
But you said you went out over this weekend.
It was all made up.
Just someone come, okay?
Anyone.
Anyone but Dwight.
What was that?
Oh!
He hit the pole.
It's broken, right?
He can't.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, Dwight.
Dwight.
Oh!
Oh, my gosh.
Is he OK?
He's still driving.
Dwight, you forgot your bumper.
Don't freak out.
I forbid anybody to freak out.
Clearly, I have had a very serious accident, but I will recover, God willing.
I just want to be treated normally today.
Normal would actually be good, considering the trauma that I've been through.
You missed two big conference calls today, one with corporate.
Oh, did you explain why?
No, I didn't mention that you cooked your foot.
Burn my foot, Pam.
You should put butter on it.
Ah, that's what she said.
See, haven't lost my sense of humor.
No, no need.
It was a nonstick grill.
Please stop popping my cast.
Thank you.
So where are you shipping your foot?
Ha ha ha.
So where are you shipping... Your foot.
Pam, messages please.
You didn't have any.
Really?
Well, it seemed very important to you earlier that you needed to stay and...
Do my job?
No.
Your job is being my friend, Pam.
Ow!
God!
It slipped.
What a... Sorry.
I'm telling you, the best cure in the world is comfort food.
You know how they say, stuff a cold?
Well, I don't care what you got.
The flu, Lyme disease...
Epizema.
You eat an entire dark meat chicken, you can walk on the moon.
I had scoliosis as a girl.
Never heard of it.
No.
A real disability.
Not a woman's trouble.
When I was a teenager, I was in an iron lung.
What?
How old are you?
No.
It...
The point is, I am the only one here who has a legitimate disability.
Although I'm sure Stanley has had his fair share of obstacles.
I'm not disabled, and neither are you.
Okay.
What does this look like to you, Stanley?
Mailboxes, et cetera.
Well, you know what?
Disabilities are not things to be laughed at or laughed about.
You people are jerks.
Oh.
Oh.
Okay, I think we need to take him to the hospital because I'm pretty sure he has a concussion.
Oh, now you feel some compassion for him.
He needs to go right now, and you're his emergency contact.
I think you should go with him.
Why don't you go with him?
I barely know him.
I want Michael to take me.
I can't take you.
I don't have my car, and yours is all vomiting.
You can take my van.
Oh, okay.
That's great.
No, I can't drive.
Jim, why don't you drive?
Fine.
We'll go.
I'm still recovering, so let's just... Ryan, can you get my coat, please?
Slowly.
Okay, let's just get to the elevator.
What are you doing?
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
I'm tired.
Dwight, you can't lay down.
Just take a break.
Wake up.
Ah!
Wait, here.
Let me help you, Dwight.
Come on.
I'm just going to get this.
Get up.
Get the bath.
Just keep them away.
It smells like chicken soup.
I know.
I have to go to the hospital.
I know.
Where are we going?
I just want to say goodbye, OK?
Well, I'll be back.
Yes, I know.
But it's going to be different.
Why?
It's just hard to explain.
Oh, Pam, you're adorable.
Oh, my goodness.
Come here.
Oh, huggy hugs.
Okay, come here.
Come here.
No, not you.
Okay.
Why is there a camera?
Okay, let's go.
Now!
This is the forklift.
You need a license to operate this machine.
That means the upstairs office workers can't drive it.
Quiz.
Mike, should you drive the forklift?
I can and I have.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I said should you.
You should not drive it.
You should not drive the forklift.
You're not allowed to drive the forklift.
It's not safe.
You don't have a license.
Guys, I'm not the only one who has driven the forklift.
Pudge has driven the forklift.
Madge.
I thought your name was Pudge.
No, it's always been Madge.
Okay.
I'm her.
Her.
Yes, her is qualified to work a dangerous machine.
You are not.
Okay?
Fine.
Do you understand that?
Yes.
We do safety training every year, or after an accident.
We've never made it a full year.
This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder off from under me and yelled hey Darryl, how's it hanging?
And I fell and busted my ankle, and I'm legitimately scared for my workers.
The bailer can flatten a car engine.
It can cut off your arm and crush your entire body without skipping a beat.
Yeah.
How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a bailer?
Baylor.
I hardly know her.
Damn it, Michael.
Pay attention, man.
Anybody want to take a guess?
Five bucks says it's over 50.
You really want to bet?
Anybody.
Ever since March Madness ended, I am so bored.
How many?
OK, you're on.
10 people, Michael.
10 people.
Would you like to be one of them?
No, don't worry about it.
We'll just go double or nothing.
Double what?
I don't know.
We'll figure something out.
What are you guys talking about?
You should work out, Ryan.
You look so hot.
Totally.
We should both work out.
Screw you.
Kelly, Ryan looks great.
You should be thankful that you get... Sir, could you please, please focus on Daryl?
Try.
These are very dangerous machines down here and the upstairs workers Michael, should not go anywhere near them.
Yes, yes.
But it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if somebody.
It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.
It would, very much so.
What the hell is wrong with this man?
It's a big red trash compact, and it's very dangerous.
No disrespect to Baylor.
Hey, I got it.
I got it.
Only on the rarest of occasions would I go near it.
There is no occasion for you to go near this stuff, okay?
Ready?
Let's do it.
Drop that sucker.
Yeah!
Bingo!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Deactivate the car alarm, clean up the mess.
Okay.
Find out whose car that is.
If it's Stan Lee's, call the offices of James P. Albini.
See if he handles hate crimes.
Got it.
Also, take apart the trampoline.
Stick it in the baler.
We're not allowed to use the baler.
Have Patch do it or the sea monster.
I'm on it.
Oh, yeah, this is much better.
Safer.
Excellent decision.
Yes.
Thank you for seeing that.
When you land, try and land like an eight-year-old.
These bouncy castles are not designed for adults.
I don't know if I want to do this.
Want to do another test?
I got plenty of watermelons in my trunk.
No.
No more.
The tests are going terrible.
If we keep doing them, I'm not going to want to jump.
This is about doing, not thinking.
Right.
Michael, don't jump on the bouncy castle.
You can't do that, because you're going to get horribly, horribly injured.
Michael, you cannot fly.
You cannot.
I have seen this too many times.
Give me that thing.
I want to try.
Oh, you know what?
I was just gonna say that you have a cute butt!
Oh, my God, did I just say that?
Did I just say that?
Oh, my God, you're so adorable.
Dwight, I know this is bad timing.
I don't want to be an edge, but there's stuff he has to sign that needs to be milled by four.
Okay, if he's not down by four, I'll get the papers up to him.
Okay, it's 3.48.
Hey.
Ryan, you know what?
You can do this.
Oh, no, I have no training in this kind of thing.
Don't play dumb.
You know damn well what we're talking about.
Listen to you.
Michael, you have always taken a Great interest in my career.
I will miss you the most, Ryan.
Oh, what is your deal, man?
Seriously, I don't get it.
Let me borrow that, Chief.
Michael, you don't have to prove anything to anyone but yourself.
It's not our job just to prove anything to us.
Okay?
That said, if you need to prove something to yourself, you should jump.
Whoa.
Up to you.
No, no, no.
If you do jump, I want you to reach for the sky.
Okay.
Grab him.
Ah!
Ah!
Oh!
Attention!
Employees of Dunder Mifflin!
This has been a test of our emergency preparedness.
There is no fire.
It was only a simulation.
What?
Fire.
Not real.
This was merely a training exercise.
So, what have we learned?
Oh, come on.
It's not real, Stanley.
Don't have a heart attack.
No, no, no, no, no.
You will not die.
Stanley!
Stanley, you will not die!
Stanley!
Stanley!
Barack is president!
You are black, Stanley!
I'm gonna give him mouth-to-mouth.
No, no, no.
Don't give him mouth-to-mouth for this.
You're gonna swallow his tongue.
Open your mouth.
Swat, don't swallow it!
I'm fine!
Leave me alone!
Save me!
Shh.
Don't excite him.
Don't make him excitable.
Welcome back, Steve.
It's true.
Around this office in the past, I have been a little abrupt with people.
Not maybe.
Yes or no?
No way.
Uh-uh.
Are you from another planet?
Boy, have you lost your mind, because I'll help you find it.
Did I stutter?
I'm done.
Goodbye.
But the doctor said if I can't find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I'm going to die.
Well, Stanley, we have turned this office into an intensive care unit.
You have no idea how intensively we care.
And today, your only job is to get better.
Oh, and also expense reports are apparently due from last week.
So if you want to be reimbursed.
Welcome back.
Nice.
Welcome back, Stanley.
Nice and gentle.
Hi, Stanley.
Hey, hey, hey.
Come on.
You're crushing his heart.
You're going to kill him.
You're going to kill him.
Andy?
A throne for your highness.
I'm not sitting in a wheelchair.
No, no, no.
No debate.
You are going to sit in that wheelchair until you are back on your feet.
I'm going to die.
So stand there, dog.
I have made for you a mix of all my favorite India songs sung by me.
That is lovely.
What do you hear it?
Welcome back.
Hey, Stanley, let me know when you need to go to the bathroom.
What?
Michael may be your bathroom buddy, so that you don't have a heart attack on the, like, crapper.
I can go to the bathroom by myself.
Oh, well, great.
Right?
Well, then maybe I'll just go with you so we can talk about stuff.
Thank you.
Stanley!
Stanley!
Oh, my God!
Damn it, Michael.
I was sleeping.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
Wow, you look like you're dead when you sleep.
Oh.
Oh, OK.
Wow.
Oh.
Oh.
Glad to have you back.
Okay.
Okay.
We're all right.
We're all right.
Whoo!
Oh, my God.
I recognize that.
That is Japanese for California roll.
No, it's not.
I think it is.
A guy told me about that.
Actually, it's a symbol for eternal discipline.
Sir, your shoes.
Yes.
You're going to have to take them off.
It's a sign of respect.
Oh.
Well.
In my office, if you took off your shoes, it would be a sign of disrespect.
Stinky feet veil, kind of a yin-yang.
Oh, stretching.
I like to say tight, compact.
Here's your gift.
Please put this on.
Do you have, uh...
Do you have anything in, like, black?
No, just white.
All right.
Wow, that is really interesting.
What?
Your love life.
I'm just kidding.
I can't see anything.
Look closer.
Oh, okay.
One point for me.
Tied up.
Oh, you're dead.
What?
What are you going to do?
Bring it, Beasley.
Bring it.
Oh, yeah.
The move.
Oh, not such an ultimate fighter now, huh?
Hey, put me down.
Put me down.
Oh, my God.
Hey, put me down.
Hey.
You ready?
Okay, gentlemen, listen up.
After a clean strike to the chest, stomach, or kidneys, I will separate you and award a point.
First person to three wins, all right?
Yes, Sensei.
A lot of rules.
A lot of rules.
On the street, we didn't have any rules.
Maybe one.
No kicks to the groin.
Home for dinner.
Hi, Sensei.
Hi, Dwight.
That's Alyssa, my senpai.
She just qualified for regionals.
Alyssa?
I guess she's technically the senpai, but nobody really respects her.
The only reason she got into regionals was because her competition was a bunch of 13-year-old girls.
Put me in that division.
Let's see how she does.
What the hell was that?
Swipe.
Yes.
No way.
Okay.
Eat it.
All right, that's the way you want it.
Two more.
Play dirty, huh?
Okay, game on, man.
Sweep the leg.
I'm coming at you, man.
I got his pants.
That was my pants.
It was points for pants.
What do you have?
No, look.
No, you have something.
You have something.
God, you look like such an idiot.
Come on.
Gate of steel.
You cannot penetrate.
Oh, nice try.
Clean technique, gentlemen.
Come on, do that again.
Do that again.
I dare you.
Okay, break.
Break.
Oh, you can't see.
You can't see.
One point.
Two points.
Three points.
I win.
I win.
No, you can't.
No!
Come on!
Michael!
Open your mouth!
No, Michael!
You talking to me?
You talking to me?
Raging bull.
Pacino.
Oh, I want that footage.
I want it.
I need it.
Where are you?
Let's do this thing!
Come on!
Come on out!
I can't believe they're gonna fight over me.
I guess people have fewer choices as they get older.
My favorite kind of movie is when two guys are fighting over the love of a woman.
I also like those movies where everyone's pretending to be really classy because it's Victorian times and they're wearing corsets, but really they're just horny.
Keir Knightley is so skinny.
Afraid?
Afraid of this?
If Jim didn't want me to have a weapon, he would have gotten rid of all the bikes.
Hey, has anything happened yet?
Where are you?
It's 410.
I don't think he's gonna show.
Oh, come on, man.
Believe in something.
Come on, coward!
Does the flag of the House of Bernard fly yellow?
It is said that human beings have a fight-or-flight response.
Not true of the shrewds.
With us, it's fight or fight.
Only my great-uncle Helmuth had a flight response.
In 1898, he disappeared into the woods.
In 1902, he emerged with a small plane.
It was a basic glider cobbled together with a spruce, propeller and wings from a plane another man was working on.
But it was capable of three-minute flights.
After three three-minute flights, he landed in a town nine minutes away and was immediately beaten to death because he had landed on a little girl.
Where are you?
Where?
On the desk of Andrew Bernard.
A note.
Pathetic.
Dear Dwight, by now you have received my note.
How are you?
I am well.
You are no doubt wondering why I have left this note.
It has come to my attention that at any physical match with you, I would surely be bested.
True.
The soft underbelly of my refined upbringing is my soft underbelly.
There's Andy.
He's in his car.
You guys, what is he doing?
Why isn't Dwight turning around?
The Prius is silent if he keeps it under five miles per hour.
He deserves the win.
Oh, my God!
What's happening?
Andy's running over Dwight with his car.
Whoa!
Hey, hey!
Yeah!
Oh!
You give up?
Never!
Get out and face me like a man!
I am a man!
I'm a bigger man than you'll ever be!
I would never sleep with another man's fiancée!
You're not a man!
You don't know how to take care of her!
All you do is dress fancy and sing!
Oh la la la la la la la!
What does that mean?
You can't even protect her!
Protect her from what?
Bears, you idiot?
When's the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton?
Last year, idiot!
Dwight, are your legs broken?
No, my right one's falling asleep a little bit.
Andy, you all right?
Go away, Tuna!
I'm winning this!
Yeah, back off.
This isn't your fight.
Oh, how much is this going to cost?
Oh!
What?
Trust fund will take care of that.
What did you say?
I'm sorry.
I couldn't hear you.
I see what you stupid idiot, you're like a bit.
You're like a sasquatch you live in.
The sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet.
So fine, call me a sasquatch, i don't get it.
How could she be sleeping with you this whole time?
Only sleep with me twice.
What what?
She's sleeping with you.
I'm her fiance.
She said she was only sleeping with me.
So I wanted to let you know that we lost Ed Truck.
Okay, let me see if i have a cell.
Is this the only reason you are calling jan, or does somebody miss me?
Michael ed died over the weekend.
Oh wow yeah and, and i know, i know he was your boss, so i thought you should know.
Does his family know?
Yes, But I'm the first in the office.
Yes.
Yes.
I think it would be appropriate for you to make an announcement to your team in case they want to pay their respects.
OK.
Yes.
Sure.
I will do that.
Because I'm the first to find out.
Nobody else knows.
And it is my responsibility to tell them.
Good.
How are you holding up?
Want me to come over?
Attention, everybody.
I just received a call from corporate with some news that they felt that I should know first.
My old boss, Ed Truck, has died.
Oh, Michael, that's such terrible news.
You must feel so sad.
Yes, I am.
It's very sad.
Because he was my boss.
Well, that's a shame.
Ed was a good guy.
That's right.
You worked with him.
So did Creed.
Well, I'll be in my office in case anybody wants to drop by, cheer me up.
So did you hear the news?
The news that you just announced?
That Ed died?
Yeah.
Is there anything I can do?
Oh, gosh.
What can anybody do, really?
He was almost 70.
Circle of life.
Yeah.
Oh.
OK.
Okay.
Ed Truck died.
And it blows.
They say that with grief, time makes it worse.
Which is bad for me, because I found out before anybody, so I've had more time to be sad.
It's a real shame about Ed, huh?
Yeah.
Must really have you thinking.
About what?
The older you get, the bigger the chances you're gonna die.
You knew that.
Ed was decapitated.
What?
Really?
He was drunk as a skunk.
He was flying down Route 6.
He slides under an 18-wheeler.
Pop.
It snaps right off.
That is the way to go.
Instant death.
Very smart.
You know, a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.
You're thinking of a chicken.
What did I say?
That is just not the way a Dunder Mifflin manager should go.
I'm sorry.
Alone, out of the blue.
Not even have his own head to comfort him.
So I'm not exactly sure how to say this.
Ed was decapitated.
What are you doing?
You said you didn't know how to say it.
He was driving on the road, and he went under a truck.
And that's when his head was separated from the rest of him.
And I will let you know more as soon as I find out.
Can you see how to copy that connection?