Today's episode is a really good one.
I am talking with Dr. Cheryl Ziegler, who is incredible about puberty.
And if you're already thinking, oh, my kid's not getting to puberty yet.
I think this is a conversation.
I know this is a conversation you are going to want to listen to much earlier than you might think.
Not from a place of panic, fear mongering.
You need this zero.
From a place of, oh, that's interesting.
Oh, I hadn't thought about that before.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Oh, I actually feel more empowered and confident.
confident. That's the feeling I know you're going to get today.
That's the feeling I got.
And so I am so excited for you to be here.
I'm Dr. Becky. This is Good Inside.
We'll be back right after this.
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Hi, Cheryl. Hi, how are you?
I am so excited to talk with you and for so many different reasons.
But one of the reasons I truly want to dive into puberty and talking about puberty with kids is number one, I have a 13 and a 10 year old, like, holy moly puberty.
Yep. And I don't think I've really ever said this out loud before.
It just hasn't really come up.
Like my own puberty journey, I think truly was atypical in that I went through whatever version of puberty it was um very very late you and I are still looking for the height component that one never really hit either of us the growth spur you know but like I didn't get my period naturally like I have and I can talk about that it probably won't be the focus of our conversation but the reason I'm starting with it is because like even for my daughter like it's not even like I have had my own lived experience of being in these age ranges and like having my body kind of do the very natural thing it's supposed
to do. And so in addition to wanting to always talk about the topics people don't like to get specific about, I just like always have a love for those topics.
And this is one of them.
Like, I really know that my journey was outside the norm.
Right. And so I want to be so much more equipped.
And so that's what we're going to talk about today.
If we all start with, well, what was my puberty experience?
Was I on the earlier side?
Was I on the later side?
What worries did I have?
Even what I said to you, it's like the bigger gap probably between whatever our kid is going through and we go through.
Like if you have a kid who's on the earlier, even normal side and you are on the normal later side, like that's going to feel like a very intense thing for you.
Like, oh, why is this starting?
Right. Or if your kid is late and you are early or mid, like we all have that baseline.
And just starting with that that is so important.
It's so important. And I think it's important for parents to know, like you're saying, what is normal today?
Yeah. Right. Do you know eight years old for a girl is on the earlier side of average, though?
If you have an eight -year -old, that is not a reason to necessarily go see an endocrinologist. Like if I have an eight -year -old who I'm like, I feel like my eight -year -old has breast buds or my eight -year -old has pubic hair, let's just name it.
Like, are you saying that's early normal these days?
early normal early you can go to the pediatrician because you probably will because it'll that you know that's like second grade that's second or third grade yeah and so parents are like whoa whoa what's going on i've had parents even say to me i see their eight or nine -year -olds sitting in my office with clear you know small breast buds and they say oh no no there's nothing going on there and i'm thinking wait really and this this is not a one -off this happens often where they'll say no no no like none of that's going on and i'm thinking but i'm looking at her i can visually see Yeah.
Right. So whether it's a block, because we're uncomfortable with that, we don't want to acknowledge it.
I think that there are parents and just to even that out boys, it's nine.
So a nine year old boy.
But the thing is a nine year old boy, his first sign of puberty is going to be an enlarged scrotum and his penis gross.
And by nine and 10, you don't you're not usually giving them baths anymore.
You're not seeing it.
yeah so they're going through even potentially those physical changes and parents aren't seeing them they don't notice it in a boy until he starts smelling or his voice starts cracking or he starts you know kind of growing bigger and by then he's been in puberty honestly probably by then could be two years even three if you think of it as puberty starting in the brain right so it's like when you think of it this way and what's happening childhood actual childhood from like toddler to childhood is getting shorter and shorter, which there's some real sadness, even some grief there for some people.
And so just I want to mirror a couple of things back to see if I got it right.
Number one, just are you saying puberty is starting earlier than it did decades ago?
Yes. Yes. So in the we'll start 100 years ago, 100 years ago, it's five.
It was five years older.
So we're five years younger than 100 years ago.
Think about Freud what he called this stage he called it latency yeah nothing's going on everything's real everything's late yes yeah it's latent take a breath and it's like oh I'm so sorry to tell you but you have like two years to take a breath and then it's starting so yeah so parenting is harder than it was a hundred years ago we don't have the latent period there's no like maybe when they're six and seven maybe right but like the other thing so since the 1980s the stat is every decade three months younger per decade yeah and it's continuing to trend that way and the pandemic is what made this for me go
beyond just oh this is a class that i really love giving to actually this is part of a mental health crisis yes and this is something i don't think that i can just keep to myself.
This has to get bigger because endocrinologists, just like psychologists were saying, obviously there's a huge mental health crisis.
Endocrinologists were reporting.
There's all of these young kids coming into my office who have breast buds and who are in puberty.
Why is this happening?
Yeah. So it really all kind of came together about four or five years ago.
Wow. And so puberty is starting earlier.
That's a fact. Girls eight early normal in 2025.
Boys, nine. And at the same time, the eight and nine year old by gender, one is going to be a lot more visible, which makes me think my parents worry more.
Oh, my God, my girl starting puberty so early, even more than their sons.
Yes. And the data says that it is more worrisome for girls.
The list of potential negative outcomes or things that put them at greater risk is actually horrifying.
It really is increased Increased depression, increased anxiety, increased sexualization, earlier sexual activity or high risk behavior, substance use, cancer.
I mean, it's a long list. I've narrowed it down.
I've consolidated it to like 10 factors.
Whereas boys, and this is really worth thinking about, they get praised for earlier puberty.
You're the tallest in the class.
You're the one to get muscles first. You're probably going to be the fastest. So you're taller, faster, stronger in our society.
That's praised. That's we look at that.
You see a girl who's nine or 10 and she's developed.
We start sexualizing her really early.
the things we need to be aware of for early puberty for girls versus boys right but and what you said really resonated and how boys it's kind of these traits that we praise for girls it can be hyper sexualization at a young age but i think there's another layer which is that we don't often talk about puberty right like i often think what would it be like like can you i don't know if you thought about this way imagine nobody telling you any part of what pregnancy would would be like like can you imagine like literally you're like what's happening to my belly like if if nobody told you you're this whole
part of your body was going to get very large your breasts were going to change I mean obviously anything about the arc of pregnancy can you imagine how much worse than it already is kind of prenatal and postpartum depression would be right look I just got I just got the chills thinking about it right like I've never thought of that analogy but that is so true.
And that's what we do.
Right. That's basically what we do.
Right. And now that I'm in it with two of my kids, like having your body physically change, it feels like this deep existential crisis.
Like, am I me? Like, am I going to survive this?
What is literally people are like, my kid likes to be in control.
They won't let their sister go and, you know play the board game first okay well then think about that child when puberty isn't explained to them and that child has breast buds or suddenly they're like my scrotum is bigger like that is going to feel ridiculously out of control and so when i think about the risk to girls and i don't know i've never considered this and i don't know if you have maybe we could just talk about it could any of the increased risks for early puberty for girls be doubled quadrupled really by the fact that when you don't talk about it with girls and given that for girls,
it is so public and so obvious to everyone else that that could be part of the risk factor.
Can we reduce some of the early puberty risk for girls through helping parents feel more equipped to deal with their awkwardness, preview what's going to happen, talk to their kids?
Like, could that actually reduce the risk?
So that is like, that's like the spirit of this book.
This book is like, the roadmap to it initially, right?
In 2021, it was like, we have to do something about the teen mental health crisis.
And I'm like, but what happens in the stage before?
And it's like exactly what you're saying.
So for a girl, if she knew it's not just her education, which is absolutely needed, but this is where it starts.
I have this little part in the book where I say, here's how to talk to people about not commenting on your daughter's body.
And here's a script.
Literally, here's what you say to grandma and grandpa.
Here's what you say to the coach. You know, you say to a coach something like, hey, you know, you know, whatever, Jane's going to be coming to your practice today.
You know, there's a good chance she might be the tallest girl that you're going to see.
I'd really appreciate it if you don't comment about her physical body.
She is still a nine -year -old girl and the world already tells her over and over.
And so there's these expectations on her.
I just don't want to put them on her.
I mean, when I practice it, it's easy for me because I've practiced it, right?
But if I just said to you, hey, Becky, so the next time you go somewhere, just tell the coach, just tell him to stop commenting on your kid's body.
Like you'd be like, All right.
How am I going to say this?
And it's like we we have to model it for them, too.
Even if in the moment we walk in and grandma, grandpa say, well, look at you.
You're such a young lady.
First of all, they know what that means.
You're such a young lady means you're sexually developing.
Right. And so you're such a young lady.
Look at you in that dress.
Right. If we say things like, you know what, this past week there was a spelling bee at school and they got second place or we just got, you know, our itinerary for this camp.
Then they're gonna try diving off a diving board for the first time.
You switch the conversation.
They are a child. We're not commenting on their bodies that they have no control over.
We're gonna talk about childlike things.
I think that even could literally change because I say, this is a societal issue.
This is not for just parents.
Oh, just parents alone are gonna change how we talk about puberty.
This is a bigger issue.
It's a systemic kind of issue.
Yeah, yeah. So I think that's so powerful for parents because I think sometimes we often think like I have to say something back to that person and maybe we do but maybe we don't maybe it's actually just about shifting the focus right I think our kids like our kids notice what we value and how we think about them not by what we say but by the questions we ask by the conversations at dinner right and so even shifting to oh ask Jane about you know her piano recital um it is you know going to have a profound impact and whether or not you you tell off your in -law in the moment like that's up to you
like based on your your you know whatever feels right um i mean you're exactly right like you don't have to be confrontational if you're proactive like you can be really really proactive and say like hey you guys are coming over you know jane's 10 or jane's 9 she's growing a lot like yeah we're just we're not focusing on that though there's so many amazing cool things she's trying right now let's just focus on that that can be proactive that doesn't sound i think super confrontational or just in the moment people People are going to throw you off for a loop.
They're just going to.
They're going to say something, you know, and just parents having it in the backseat, like, you know, their back pocket, like, yeah, this is what I'm going to say in response becomes easier.
And then dad is comfortable with it.
And then all of a sudden, you know, aunt is comfortable with and everybody gets on board. But it does probably have to start with a parent or like the primary caregiver being aware to do it.
Yeah. And so there's how we respond to other people talking about it.
And then I guess I think the thing I want us to dig in a little bit more.
I have some thoughts about it, too, is just how we talk to our kids about it.
Separate from, you know, the coach or the in -laws who might say inappropriate things.
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Find out how much at airbnb .com slash host. let's jump off with this what's scarier to a kid puberty itself or not feeling prepared for puberty yeah i love that you asked it just like that because i just did a segment yesterday about talking to kids about hate crimes and prejudice and one of the things i said was it is scarier for kids to not know, right?
Rather than to know.
It's anticipatory anxiety.
I talk about in the book, the anticipation of is oftentimes worse than, hey, this is what it's going to be like.
And I always say to the kids, like I say to the girls, I just say, I only do it with girls so far.
I'm going to develop a boys class, but not yet.
So I say to the girls, you guys, nature is so amazing.
And this is how I talk, by the way, like the way you're going to hear my voice change, like, you guys, nature is so amazing.
It gives us like two, three years to go through this.
Can you imagine? It's like it's low and slow.
And sometimes there might be like a little we call them spurts, but like they're short.
And then it just goes back again to low and slow.
And before you know, you guys are 15 and 16 and you're all caught up with each other.
That's my tone. That's like my casualness around it so that they don't think I know some people will joke like my kid went to asleep and they woke up six inches taller.
That didn't literally happen, but I totally get what they mean.
It's probably more like your kid went to sleep day one of summer.
And by first day of school the next year, yeah, they might've grown three or four inches.
That's true. It feels dramatic, but it's not literally right.
So the way that we talk about it, and it's like what you started with, we have triggers.
We have, and this is not just women.
We have women, we have men, whether it's their menstrual cycle whether it's you know just their brain their moods why was I yelling at you why did I tell you I hated you oh my gosh you're like my favorite person ever why don't I want to be best friends why don't I want to play with dolls anymore when I say that one in my classes there will always be I'd say like a couple of girls one to three girls that will cry and they'll be like but I want to keep playing with dolls and it's like heartbreaking breaking because they know they feel like the day puberty is obvious or i get my period i gotta put
the toys away and it's like that for a parent too to say no you don't but you know what your brain it's got all these hormones flooding in it and so that's why one day you might feel like throwing those dolls away and the next day you feel like you secretly want to take them out and play with them and they need to know the brain part too that's exactly right and i and to flesh out that better because I think probably it's like one day it's like I don't want to play with these dolls anymore dolls are stupid I throw them away the next day I yell at my mom for throwing away my dolls that's probably
what's going to happen right and the mom just has to be like oh you wish you had them like don't be right don't you threw them away I've done that too many times it just it doesn't tend to end up in a good place um but that that's what it is I feel like that's so much a puberty I don't want my dolls anymore I act on it the next day I wish I had them I can't tolerate that feeling.
I act it out. I look at my mom.
I blame my mom for doing it, even though obviously she didn't even know I threw out my dolls in the first place.
Right. And all of this in kind of 24 hours.
And the other the other thing that I think really guides so much of my good decisions as a parent, never my bad decisions, is that kind of information doesn't scare kids.
It never scares kids when it's delivered from a trusted, loving adult.
But noticing changes without having having information terrifies kids and adults.
So you can think about this in an environment unrelated to puberty.
You hear uncle whoever, cancer, chemotherapy, a few weeks to live, and everyone's like, oh, he's fine.
You're like, well, I noticed those things and I don't have a story to understand it.
That's scary and unformulated and just free floats as anxiety.
And I think about that example and talk about it with parents all the time.
But then And what if instead of the changes being random snippets from a conversation about your uncle, it's the body you live in having changes you didn't expect?
I mean, it's literally more visceral.
This is the thing we are in every day is our body.
And so, yes, I think it's interesting women -wise, right?
Puberty, pregnancy, menopause.
We have more stages than that.
Perimenopause. like on these ends the puberty and the perimenopause we're maybe having our day of like let's explain these to people like having these things just happen to you right we have work to do in pregnancy too but at least we tell women that their body will change like no one today is like what is happening to my you know belly button and so yes talking to kids and I know maybe we can transition to this talking to kids matters helping kids anticipate it and knowing knowingness, it almost preloads them with, oh, at least I knew this was going to happen.
Like what human doesn't like that?
Oh yeah. Can you, like, I don't know if it, if like, as you're listening, think of a time, maybe you did tell your kid something or the kid that comes over, that's like, this kid is so savvy.
They know like all these things going on.
Right. And they're just like, oh yeah, I already know that.
Yep. Yep. And they, and they literally remember this is industry versus inferiority, six to 12.
This is like, they want to be good at stuff.
They want want to learn stuff.
So if you go, oh, yeah.
And by the way, this happens and that happens.
And like you have these mood swings, your body changes this way.
They will walk around like head held high.
I know what's happening.
They'll be proud. Yeah.
And that's the thing.
It's like the destigmatizing.
Yes. Of puberty, of talking about things that are awkward or uncomfortable.
Like I want to eventually get through that where this isn't an awkward conversation.
This is like Like perimenopause and menopause are having their moments.
It's like, that's amazing.
Now we know I feel more empowered.
I know what to do. I know what kind of doctor to go to.
I know I don't feel crazy.
I don't feel crazy.
I don't feel crazy.
This is normal. This is normal.
Oh, wait, other marriages go through this.
Oh, wait, other friendships go through this during this time.
Like if we don't talk about it and we had this probably for hundreds of years, but at least for the last hundred years where women weren't talking about what was happening to them, they were suffering in silence.
Yeah. Yeah. And these kids maybe aren't quote suffering in silence, but they're certainly they're going through things.
They're scared in silence.
And then what do they do?
Because they're kids and they're curious.
They go online. They're going to find the answer the way we did.
We went to older brothers and sisters.
Totally. They're going to go online and it's pretty easy to get in there and just ask the most embarrassing question.
Yes. And I think, you know, we want our kids to be curious about their bodies.
Like you can't ever get mastery over anything you're not curious about.
So like before you get mastery over something, you have to have curiosity.
So curiosity is a good thing.
And curiosity is really powerful.
Like once curiosity about anything is there, it's going to move its way into knowledge and figuring it out.
And one way, if we don't talk to our kids, is the random kid on the bus or the internet.
I think the other way, and this this goes back to the data is behavior it's just you act we act out what we don't have language for literally that's what again if like i was i don't know in a foreign country any country that speaks any other language but english and nobody understood me do you know what i would do to communicate with them i would act it out because i don't have verbal language and so i think there's this fear from parents.
And I'm curious, you think about this, like, I don't want to share.
And I actually I asked some questions to our goodness had community and they shared some of their fears or their barriers.
And one big concern is I don't want to share too much too soon.
Or if if my kid asked me about one thing, like, for example, I have a good story about this, like my kid asked me about a 69, but they don't even know what oral sex is yet.
So how how do I speak speak about this.
And I think there's this fear that if I share information, kind of my kid is going to act out more.
But I do find this idea of when we have language for things, we all tend to act out less.
Yeah. I mean, my wheels are turning as you're talking.
Like I, the first time that notion really, really came to me was when we started seeing suicide rates go younger and any younger.
And all of a sudden we have 10 to 14 year old actual category.
And that was a time where I would hear from parents like, no way, I would never talk to my kids about this.
I'm not going to give them ideas.
And I really do understand that fear.
Like, oh, I mean, this is not something anybody wants to talk about.
However, the data consistently shows the more we talk about it, the more we give them language, the more permission we have to say like, yeah, there's some really hard days.
And you know what? Life is kind of like this ride.
Do you know that? Like one day you can feel up and the next day you can feel down.
And we then all of a sudden we open up this space.
It doesn't give them ideas.
It gives them psychological safety to say, hey, guess what?
This is one of those days where I just feel like, what is the point of life?
And then you've talked about it already.
So you're not going to be reactive as the parent.
And this could be about any topic, right?
And you just kind of go like, all right, I'm going to meet you right where we We created the space right where you're at right now.
And this is going to be safe for us.
If you don't have these conversations, they will be happening elsewhere and it won't be you.
And I like to say like up until about 11 or 12, you are the single, you the parent or the single most influential, most important person in that kid's life.
And 13, 14 comes and it's their friends and they're looking for their identity.
So if they don't have that with you, the parent now, we don't know where they're going to to go, but their curiosity is going to be there.
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I am seriously so excited for you to jump in.
okay so let's talk about awkwardness so most parents right so i did a poll on instagram so i'm going to read some of these stats to you um did you have an adult talk to you about puberty okay no right so easy 17 said yes a lot of things 41 said some things but not others 42 definitely not are you crazy that's what okay okay and then what is your comfort level talking about puberty with your kids seven percent ah i'm terrified 15 pretty uncomfortable 44 this is the biggest comfortable with some things but definitely not others and then the rest felt comfortable so let's talk about that 67 because to
me even if you're comfortable but But definitely if you're in the 67 % vast majority, awkwardness is coming along for the journey of talking to your kid.
Like it's kind of like when someone's like, I want to be really motivated to get out of bed in the morning and then I'm going to go to the gym.
Like if that's me, I'm like, well, that day is not coming.
Like I never wake up being like, I cannot wait to go to the gym.
Best decision ever.
Like I got to get there with the lack of motivation.
conversation so i think for parents this idea of like how do i overcome the awkwardness and then talk to my kid like i believe i don't know if you do like the awkwardness especially if you are someone where someone never talked to you it's a sign that you have literally never had someone in the entire lineage of your family put language to this so awkwardness you know is kind of the sign of newness so how do you you work with so many families around this like when a family when a parent says like I just feel too awkward or I'm gonna be awkward or I'm gonna get it wrong or I'm going to fumble which I think everyone
listening to this is like oh yeah I want to know Dr. Ziegler's answer to this how do we deal with that yeah well the first thing I want to say is no parent goes into this saying oh I'm gonna skip an entire developmental stage and not tell my kid all all this important stuff.
No parent. Right. Every parent is like, I want to do the best that I can do.
And, you know, I know the best you can do is usually as far as you've come.
Right. You can only take a kid as far as you've gone.
Like if you're not willing to say like I tell in the book that my own son, who was 11 at the time, was in fifth grade.
He comes home from his sex ed talk.
And I'm thinking like, I'm sure I've covered like I feel like I've covered most bases, but I probably I didn't cover everything.
So he walks in confident and it wasn't quote awkward. Right.
And I'm like, how was it today?
And he was like, it was fine.
And I go, did you learn anything that we haven't talked about?
And he's like, yeah.
Now he says that confidently.
He's like, yeah. And I'm like, I cannot wait to know.
He's like, you didn't tell me that I could wake up in the morning with wet stuff in my pants.
Yup. Didn't. I didn't, didn't talk to him about wet dreams, classic wet dream conversation.
I mean, so for the percentage of people on your little poll that said, yes, I'm confident.
Are they talking about masturbation, pornography, wet dreams, ejaculation?
Like there's this, there's a lot of levels.
Like there's one thing to say, Hey bud, you're going to grow taller and get a deeper voice.
And it might crack.
And like, you're going to muscles are going to get bigger.
And then to continue to progress.
Oh, you're going to maybe start liking people in a different way than you have before.
Okay. That gets a little harder.
I've done this many times with thousands of kids.
So I know like, I know where like the entry point is like pretty comfortable in the room and then I know when people start pitcheting so I forgot what your original question even is but like I'm sucked into the world of thinking yeah no it's great so I parents listening to this and just saying okay like I hear this and I do want to talk to my son let's say that about the fact that like he is probably gonna have a wet dream or he might or what that is right or let's say I want to talk to my daughter about masturbation right any of these kind of we're now level three we're past level one and two
okay um and they say to you or me like i i feel i i feel awkward or i'm i'm going to be awkward i am telling you i will be awkward how do you how do you help like how do we help people through that yeah i think i think you think about your style right what works for you and i'm like let's just pretend i like to role play let's do it you asked me literally you i would say okay so what's your your style with your kids like do you think a book is going to be good do you think you want to watch a movie do you want to let them know like that you want to have some talk or do you want to just kind of casually
bring it up first give me the setting like tell me your style right and then i don't know like tell me truthfully what would be your style well i i feel like i have a lot of very i feel actually fairly comfortable talking to my kids after i've done done some work with my own puberty and just feeling like I find this stuff so empowering are you an experienced share then is that like the way you come in maybe I feel like some of my best conversations about these types of topics are like while like while we take a walk while we're in the car like not the like I'm gonna sit across from you and look
at you in the eyes and talk about masturbation like I don't think anyone I don't know that's not you know so like kind of a kind of there's a third there there's something else that's happening so like then i would be like okay great so let's make sure that that's the setting okay check and then i would say to them say the word or the topic out loud and like most people will start to laugh and i'm like cool get it out right now like just get it out yeah that'll lead to they'll say to me they'll say don't bury the lead right just like put it out there just put it out like come on let's do it and so like
Like get your own comfortable.
And then they start laughing and they're like, ah, and then like, I've never said these words to my kid before.
I'm like, okay, great.
Get it out with me.
And then what I say to them is, do you know you, a, you don't have to have the answers to every question.
B, you do not need to be smooth.
You are not, you can say to them, yeah, on a walk in your case, like, you know, I know we were watching, I always like a little bit of a context.
We were watching that movie last night.
Remember that kid? He started to descend and then he was 15 when he was done.
there were all these changes in him you know like one of the things that can happen i don't know do the kids talk at school at all about like things like masturbation or whatever and you might get initial like mom and you're like i know it's uncomfortable it's a little bit uncomfortable for me too but you know what i love you so much that i'm willing to have this uncomfortable conversation yes and if i can be brave you can be brave yeah now you're at their level like you know i'm not gonna say like i'm beyond awkward and i can't deal then i shouldn't be having it but I'm a little bit uncomfortable
say it to your kid and and you're there's something I love that you're doing there you're kind of like we're in this together like it's not like I am like person up here giving you some lecture and you're feeling awkward so I love that and I'm curious what you think about this because one of the things I tell parents a lot because talking to parents about how to talk to their kids yeah about sex about pleasure I love these topics too and I find just saying to your kid in the start look I might be awkward while I talk about this but let me tell you why from the start.
It's not because talking about it is wrong.
It's not because your interest is wrong.
It's not because a question you asked me is wrong.
Truly like no one talked to me about this and I'm kind of the first person in the family to talk about this and so new things tend to feel awkward so that's why.
And then because I do feel like sometimes unintentionally kids can can code our awkwardness as wrong.
Like, not that we're wrong, but that the topic is bad and shameful when I think always awkwardness means new.
It could be wrong, but it's definitely just always new.
So I feel like, again, preloading that to a kid, it helps kind of, again, it helps contextualize your awkwardness.
I love, love, love that so much. And I also love, like, I find this line, I've started to use it more and I'm like, oh, this is very effective in my own parenting.
just to say, you know, I've never had a 12 year old boy before.
Like you're my first 12 year old boy.
Oh, I've never had, or I've never had this conversation.
And so like almost asking them for some grace before we even start, like I might be a little bit weird and I definitely don't know all the answers.
Like I want you to ask me all your questions and I promise I'll get them.
But I'm also not just going to make up answers.
And that, if you set the tone from the beginning, all of a sudden I'm already calmer.
Cause you're already presuming you are not the expert.
You don't know everything, but like, Hey, let's do this together.
And it's like, everybody's stress comes down because they are going to ask you something you are not going to know the answer to, or you're not positive.
Yeah. Or I find a line that I've used a lot.
Sometimes it's true.
And sometimes like, I just need a, I just need a moment, you know, is that's a great question and it deserves a great answer.
I'm going to come back to you.
And then sometimes I'm like, okay, I didn't know my daughter was going to come off the bus and ask me these questions like in public in our, you know our lobby um and so sometimes i've used that when i'm literally and it could be something about history or it could be something about the body and sometimes i think i know the answer i'm just not prepared to say it in that moment yes and either way that that that proved to be useful i love that that's a great question that deserves a great answer and i probably only have like a mediocre answer for you right now so give me like an hour or give me till
tomorrow i love that give Give me a quick text with my mom friends.
Totally. I need five minutes.
Let me chat you, BT.
I mean, let me figure this out.
Talk in the mirror.
I can do this. I can feel awkward. I hear Cheryl and Becky's words.
Yep. And we can do this.
Yeah. I love that. I hope people listening are like that relief because I think there's pressure on parents that we have to know everything and we have to know the perfect thing to say.
Like, by the way, the greatest thing to say maybe to one of my kids isn't the greatest thing for yours or vice versa, right?
Right. Like you just don't.
You got to try this stuff out.
And by the way, if someone I know, someone listening right now is like, OK, I tried this and it went horribly wrong.
I already like, what can I do?
And I'm always like, you repair it.
Hey, you know, the other day when we talked about that thing, like I did not even know what I was talking about.
I got so uncomfortable.
I didn't even see that coming.
I've thought about it.
You deserve more. Can I i go back can i redo that so beautiful that is so humbling and kids there there's just there's a time where yes you are the authority you're the one in charge but there's also a time especially when you're bonding and attaching to your kid during such a critical time to just be like i am learning right alongside with you this is amazing for me and they might be like well it doesn't feel so amazing for me i know i can imagine that but it's kind of really cool for me and let them see your your excitement and also let them see your celebration.
Your body is doing amazing things that deserve celebrating.
How cool is this? Oh, you know, just the energy and the excitement around your body's doing what it's supposed to do.
It's like when you're growing a baby and someone's like, look at you, right?
Your belly's growing and all these things.
And you might at the moment be like, well, it doesn't feel so great.
My feet are swollen.
I'm nauseous. I've thrown up, but your body is doing what it's supposed to do.
That's a beautiful thing.
Like, it's just such a it's like a it's like a hug.
It's like a warm hug.
Like it just feels comforting.
Well, this conversation has felt like a warm hug to me.
I know it will feel like a warm hug to everyone listening.
And I think you and I have such a similar pep talk to people like you're amazing for listening to this.
It clearly says you're the type of parent who wants to do have conversations that probably weren't had with you.
That's the best it gets in terms of what happens next.
It's going to be awkwardness.
It's going to be a repair.
It's going to be, Oh, remember when I said that was a disgusting question that that's, that was a me thing.
Let me explain that.
Let me try again. Right.
Like we're an inappropriate question, right?
For some people, I didn't talk, this would have been forbidden.
Yes. Right. If you said kind of gave your kid the message, like, we don't talk about that or like, and now you're thinking about it you're like why did i do that just go back hundred percent and look this is as good inside we say as it gets is there's nothing more powerful than repair you want to have a good moment with your kid mess up check we've all done that yeah and then repair that's gonna be the best moment of your day and so this follows that guideline too so thank you you are incredible i hope this is the first of many conversations we have i think i speak for everyone listening um also and knowing
that they just want more of you so um thank you for all of your important work and for just the way you share so relatable, so usable, so deeply human.
And I'm really grateful.
I was about to say that I hope you enjoyed this episode as much as I did.
I have a feeling you enjoyed this episode as much as I did.
And I want to make it really easy for you to do what I know you naturally want to do next, which is go get Cheryl's book.
So this is The Crucial Years.
It is just something that should be a staple in your home and is so, so valuable.
So here's the crucial years.
And as always, if you liked this podcast episode, the podcast in general, please rate and review it.
I read every single thing you write and it actually really contributes to what I do next.
Your voice really matters here.
I'm so grateful to you.
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