So Cam and I have been revising our will to specify who should take care of Lily if, God forbid, something happened to us.
God forbid?
I said God for So we've been dropping by unannounced to you know, casually assess our candidates.
Not all of our candidates.
No, that's true.
We did not drop by Missouri.
It's Missouri.
No one from Missouri would say Missouri.
So, Mama, you're good for Cole?
Okay.
Okay, well, bundle up.
We don't want to lose you.
Okay.
Yeah, bye.
Bye in the middle of a terrible blizzard.
So you shouted did they really lose two cows?
Oh yeah frozen, solid.
Mama's gonna send pictures.
Oh yeah, a reason to stop by the frame store.
Manny, i gotta get you down to that sporting goods place.
Gotta get him some stuff for his weekend outing ready.
Did you pee?
Not ready?
Jay, would you mind if we came?
Sure, why not?
You know i'd like to get mama some snowshoes, you know, to lift her spirits, what with all the frozen cows and all so cows freeze now.
Are we all just accepting that?
Oh yeah absolutely jay, this one time.
Two cars, You know I'm gonna check the lease, but I'm pretty sure we're not allowed to have a meth lab.
You are a delight.
So what are you doing?
I think you're gonna like this.
I'm going on a juice fest.
Love it.
Hate it.
Let's face it, a well-fed Cam is hardly a model of emotional stability.
Now, deprive him of food, and stage by stage, it's a slow descent into madness.
Stage one, the clean sweep.
Poison.
Poison!
Poison.
Do you think that this is the best week to be doing this?
Why not?
Well, we had that charity thing at my boss's house.
Oh, so what?
I'm supposed to put off my quest for wellness until we're no longer socially in demand?
That will never happen.
I'm too charismatic.
No, no, not the cookies.
Of course the cookies.
Why do you always want me to fail?
Stage two, attack Mitchell.
Because when his diet crashes and burns into a giant pile of Nutella, I'm the one he's going to blame.
Well, no.
Not this time.
You know what?
I'm going to do the fast with you.
I think it's a great idea, and we should do it together so we're on the same team.
You know, us versus food.
I know what you're doing.
And I really appreciate it.
No, it'll be good for me.
I've actually put on a few pounds.
Yeah, well, you know, I didn't want to say anything.
Day four of the juice fast, and I'm hungry, but I'm feeling pretty good.
Cam, on the other hand, has gone all girl-interrupted.
After one, throwing out all of our food, and two, blaming me, he entered stage three.
Soap actress.
I just wish my sister would put herself out there more if she had so much to offer.
Why are men so superficial?
That was followed by stage four, a rush of epiphanies.
I don't need food.
Look at this.
Architecture's everywhere.
Spaniards make amazing athletes.
Into stage five, despair.
Daddy, we hide it, but you didn't seek.
Cam, then came rage.
Hey, what you got there?
The good news is Cam's never made it this far into a diet before so Downside, I have no idea what the next stage is gonna be.
But I'm pretty sure it's not Charming Party Guest.
Cam, I was thinking, I'll take the bullet tomorrow night at my boss's house.
You don't have to go to the party.
They're boring.
Some silly cause.
Lots of people.
Parking.
Cam, say something.
Why do you hate me?
I don't hate you.
Then why are you trying to push me out of your life?
Because you seem a little unhinged.
Okay, well, you know what?
I think you should worry a little bit less about me and a little bit more about yourself and what you're going to wear tomorrow night, because I saw what you have laid out and I don't think you're going to like the way you look in photos.
Go cheese your soda ball?
No, thank you.
Are you sure?
It looks so good.
Walk away!
It's tough enough to deal with Cam when I'm at full strength, but I have been fasting just as long as he has and I do not have the energy to deal with a big, needy brisket case, brass basket case.
Pam, don't be mad at me, but I think that you really need to eat something.
What?
You're supposed to be my support.
Oh, away from me, temptress.
And I never thought I would call you that in a negative way.
As you can imagine, I get asked to help with a lot of these environmental causes.
Usually I buy a ticket, bid on Shaquille O'Neal's big shoe, and come home.
But then something happened.
I love paddle surfing, and each time I'd go out, I'd see this one sea lion.
He'd pop his hat up, he'd check me out.
I got so used to seeing him, I even named him Snorkels.
Oh, God, I do not like where this is going.
So one day, I go out, and I see Snorkels.
But he's doing this weird twisting thing in the water.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, oh, God.
Shh.
So I paddle over, and I see he's got a plastic grocery bag wrapped around his neck.
And one of his fins.
And I freaked.
Tried to get it off with my paddle.
Didn't work.
So I jumped in.
But he disappeared under the water.
And, uh... Don't say it.
Don't you dare say it.
And I never saw him again.
Oh.
This is the saddest thing I've ever heard.
As you wouldn't last two minutes on a farm, I've witnessed all kinds of birthing.
Never batted an eye.
I've seen cattle.
I've seen hogs.
I've seen goats.
I've even seen a three-legged... Whoa!
Whoa!
Oh, my God.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Really, Mitchell?
I could have just died.
I don't want to overstate this, but my mom is the greatest woman that ever lived.
Cam loves his mom.
She raised four kids, two barns, and a whole lot of hell.
If you had been there, you would have laughed just as hard as I did.
He's coming.
Stop talking.
He's been embarrassed enough today.
