So you've heard me talk about deeply feeling kids and our deeply feeling kids approach, but I promise you haven't heard this.
A lot of you have asked me to speak more about my own personal experience parenting my deeply feeling kid before I had a sense that she was a deeply feeling kid.
What my journey was like in the stages where I had no idea what was going on, when I felt completely in the dark, when I felt like something was wrong with my kid, something was wrong with me everything that yes ended up leading to this deeper understanding this new approach this whole deeply feeling kid program and so much more before the kind of real personal stuff I asked you the specific questions you wanted answered and boy did you deliver so I'm joined by Brooke on my team she's been with me for a long time she's a producer on this podcast. And she's going to ask me some of kind of the hardest,
most personal questions.
And I am really looking forward to sharing this part of my story with you.
I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside.
We'll be back right after this.
Quick note, if this episode is resonating, if you're thinking, oh my goodness, maybe I like like Dr. Becky, have a deeply feeling kid, I have to tell you I am doing a live deeply feeling kid workshop this Wednesday, July 16th, and I'm doing it at two times, 12 p .m. Eastern, 8 p .m. Eastern, so you have the best chance of coming.
And yes, it'll be recorded.
More in the show notes or at goodinside .com.
Hi, Becky. Hi, Brooke.
I'm so excited to be here today and do things a little bit different, kind of pull back the curtain on your own experience parenting a deeply feeling kid, all that's come from it since.
And before we dive in, for anyone who's newer or less familiar with the term deeply feeling kid, can you just give a quick recap?
What is a deeply feeling kid?
Yeah. I mean, this really, this term came up because I had my first kid and I don't want to make it seem like it was all easy, like tantrums, the whole thing that happens with, you know, one year olds, two year olds, they want things, they melt down.
All that that was happening, but I felt pretty good about how I was showing up and how I'd hold boundaries and how I'd connect and validate while holding the boundary.
And it's not like I did that.
And he ever said that was really helpful.
Thank you. Never. But all I can say is like the arc, the arc arced, like it was like, okay.
And then he did start to calm down.
And I sensed it was working, not because he didn't have a tantrum and not because he calmed down right away, but I felt like I am giving you something you need right now.
And it will just take some time to fully show up.
I knew that was happening in my private practice I was doing a lot of this work I was coming up with new ideas at the time and parents like this is amazing I'm trying this you're right it's so much better than timeouts and I'm not punishing but behavior's changing faster all the things and then there were like this subset of parents and it wasn't insignificant who'd say something very different it's making everything worse like it helps with one of my kids not the other and and I have to be honest like the back of my head the first thought was like I think you're doing it wrong like you're just
not doing as well as I would do it but like let's roll with the punches and you know me like I love creating new ideas so I loved the struggle of like oh that's not working let's try this let's try this okay then I had my second kid you know that moment when you like look back and you're like wow I really regret like a lot of my life like I was like I want to go back that was that moment I was like I am doing all the things I did with my first I am doing it the same way, the right way.
And this child from the start, I mean, it was so clear so early, like did not want to take in what I had to offer.
And then I started to think with this child, like about all these sessions I was having.
And then the craziest part where I was really connecting it is I had started to see a lot of like, I don't want to say the same type, everyone's different but like these adults in my private practice who everything was different and unique and there were so many similar themes like okay these the adults who like felt very empty inside and that's not what they said but really were you know looking for relationships to be close with people but then things got too close and they would push them away and there was like you know almost this social paranoia people are out to get me and I was like oh
my goodness those adults were these kids of the parents who are telling me this stuff isn't working.
And now I have one of these kids.
Oh my goodness. And like, it was a painful time, but I'm gonna be honest, it was like a little bit of this like intellectually exciting time because I was like, I am seeing these puzzle pieces.
And the thing I kept saying about my child is everyone had names.
She's so dramatic, so difficult.
she's so obstinate she's so um defiant right and I just kept the word just came up I was like she is so deeply feeling because people would say she freaks out about things other people don't freak out about and and that's maybe the LGB least generous interpretation I would say like it's not to say I don't have moments of saying that to other people she freaks out outside but with the ridiculous things of course and then my calm moments I'd say like okay well nobody comes into the world being like I can't wait to screw over my parents just gonna give them a hard time like if she freaks out about things
other kids don't freak out about and the freakouts are more intense and last longer her bucket of like things that just feel like too much to manage in my body must fill up more quickly which means she does take more like These are kids who like parents are not making it up.
I'm gonna look at camera.
You are not making it up.
You are not crazy. I wanna say that because I felt crazy for a time.
Like you are not making it up.
You're not crazy. Your kid does take in more from the world.
They feel things more intensely.
Therefore, their kind of bucket fills up more quickly.
Therefore, there's more pressure at terms of the explosiveness with which it comes out in a moment when you're like, I think I just gave my kid a gift And that set off an explosion.
I think I gave them the thing they wanted and the color they wanted, like WTF.
And so they explode more easily, more often, more intensely.
They also, which is like just inconvenient duality, they also push away help when you, and they need help.
You see them. These are not calm kids who are saying, I'd like a moment to myself.
No, no, no. These are kids who are in an animal threat state.
And you're like, I just know in my soul, even if they're saying, get away from me, my soul says like, yeah, you're not making good decisions.
But everything you try to do from the goodness of your heart and even from the intellect of your brain, they like slam the door in your face.
And so there's this conflict and this struggle.
And so I'll pause now.
I know you have other questions, but I would say that as an intro, that is a deeply filling kid.
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We hear so many terms, deeply feeling kids, highly sensitive kids, even oppositional or defying kids are these just different labels for the same thing or are there differences between them you know for me when i struggle to ask a question it's often i'm like i i feel like there's a different like better upgraded question upgrade me okay i don't know if this is right actually and so you can then interrupt me but i'm just going to say what's on my mind i feel deeply conflicted about labels in general okay that's not to say i don't believe in labels that doesn't mean i don't believe in diagnosis we
like to hear people say one thing and that's not what I'm saying.
I say I feel deeply conflicted.
Here's why. A label, a term, even a diagnosis, which deeply feeling kids is not a diagnosis, but anything that like says, oh, that's the term.
Okay. On one hand, it can be deeply validating and helpful.
Oh, this is a thing.
Making it up. Like there are other people like my kid or like me, if there's a name for this, that is so beautiful beautiful and so helpful.
And in some cases, in some cases, some of the time, it helps you get the type of support you need.
Because when you have a term to describe these constellation of things, then you can communicate to other people.
And if there are known ways that are helpful to that thing, there's a good match. Okay.
So that's on one side.
I believe everything I said.
Here's because they can box you in, because they can make us all say things like, this thing won't work because my kid is Y.
My kid is Y, so they can't do X.
And now all of a sudden, instead of a term being empowering and helpful, my kid is the term.
It's like there's no differentiation.
That is all of them.
It's no longer, this is what it is.
It can no longer, instead of it being a really helpful lens to try to understand your kid, it becomes the truth of everything, which can make us limit the types of resources or the types of support that might be helpful.
Okay, so all this is a deeply feeling kid, highly sensitive, all these terms. To me, what I would say to a parent is a term, a diagnosis, whatever it is, it is as helpful as it allows you to enter into a world of better understanding your kid.
I tend to think that any term or understanding of something that makes us do this, and for people listening who can't see me, I'm like narrowing my range.
I'm putting blinders on, okay?
That is not as helpful as an understanding that makes us do this.
And again, for anyone anyone listening, widening my aperture, okay?
Widening my aperture is the equivalent of being curious.
Oh, what might be going on?
Oh, how might something need a tweak?
Knowing what I know about my kid, not kind of adding rigidity and kind of pushing curiosity to the side.
So what I would would say to parents in terms of these kids, I do believe these kids need different things.
Mostly they need to be really, really understood.
It's amazing how often the best intervention we have is more deeply understanding our deeply feeling kids.
People think, what do I do?
What do I say? How do I do this situation?
I promise you as soon as you actually understand the situation with your kid, you won't even be saying what I'm doing because you have a type of relief and groundedness because the thing you were missing, it wasn't a strategy, it was understanding.
So what I would say to parents, whatever term, whatever label allows you to enter into a world of more deeply understanding your kid is the thing you should take on.
And there can also be be multiplicity.
Like somehow, you know, my kid is X, they're Y, maybe they're both.
Maybe it's different parts.
Maybe you'll get something from both.
People say to me all the time, you know, the deeply feeling kid, your stuff, your program, the ongoing stuff, it's changed my life, but I have to admit to you, there's a part of it that doesn't work.
Admit, let's upgrade that word to share.
I love it. There's something that doesn't work.
Amazing. Your kid is unique.
You have a new set of glasses that brings you relief and understanding and groundedness.
And through that new set of glasses you are further empowering yourself to know your kid even better than someone else could that is good insight at its best so what I would say to a parent is like the first question isn't is it highly sensitive or deeply feeling kid or ADHD and again those things can be part of the process and can get you services or courses or evaluations or therapy there's so many things but I think the first question isn't which one it's actually how do I start to better understand my kid?
And can a label be a part of that?
And then yes, let's go from there.
Okay. Take us back.
Your DFK was your second kid.
When did you first realize that your second kid was different from your first?
What were the early signs or behaviors that caught your attention?
I want to give you the first sign that at the time I recognized that the first sign.
And now that I have such a better better understanding of her, I'll actually tell you something that was so much earlier than that, that if I had the glasses on, I've been like, here we go.
Here we go. Buckle up.
Buckle up. It's going to be a different journey.
And it's going to be a journey that teaches me so much more about myself in a way than my first kid did in a way.
Okay. So I would say the early signs at the time was kind of this zero, seemingly, zero to 60 massive reactions to seemingly, at least in my mind, very null things.
I'll give you a bunch of examples.
Just literally the meltdowns and tantrums around age 18 months to three.
I was just like, I remember being in in the bathroom and I think, what, what is wrong with my child?
Like, actually, I'm going to say that differently.
Something is wrong with my child.
I felt conviction in it, which was so terrifying to me.
Like when I, I know for me, I've learned this a lot about myself when I have uncertainty, I go doomsday, but I also go conviction.
Like it, I'm like, but it's true.
Like I'm so convicted in my worst case scenario, something is wrong with my, like something is is wrong.
And I think the flip side of something is wrong with me.
It's just not maybe the voice we allow ourselves to hear as often.
This was there for me too.
Something's wrong with me.
Something's wrong with my child.
And I'm like an unfit parent.
And so in a way, my earliest sign maybe was these like massive tantrums about tiny things, like a bag of pretzels I remember bringing as a snack.
And I'm like patting myself on the back.
I remember this like pickup at like one of the earliest school moments.
And I was like, I remembered a snack today.
Like, um, come on, round of applause.
Round of applause, remember the snack, right?
They're all hungry after school.
They're like sticks, pretzel sticks, not the like pretzel little pretzely shape that they usually do.
Okay, brought the stick, opens the bag.
And I think there were like two that were broken.
I can't even remember the rest of the day because let me just tell you, it was like I picked her up and stabbed her in the heart.
the vitriol, the anger, the animalistic.
For me, it was animalistic.
It was trying to scratch me.
It was like I had just attacked her like baby cub and she was fighting back from that.
It felt existential.
Meanwhile, going into that moment, I was very proud of myself.
So the gap between between me feeling like I was doing a good job and then watching the impact of the outcome was just so wide.
And honestly, for me, Brooke, you know, like I have a decent tolerance for that gap.
Like with my first kid, I knew like I'm doing the right thing.
I'm setting a boundary.
He's still going to be upset.
He's not going to say thank you.
I really felt like I actually had a decent tolerance for but that gap, this gap was so wide, right?
Just the other very early sign was surprises.
Happy surprises. Not like, hey, I have a surprise for you.
I'm going to dump a bucket of ice water on your face.
Like we're going to the doctor for a shot.
Yeah, surprise. No, I remember taking a day off work or the morning to be the mystery reader in her class.
class. They start the class.
We have a mystery reader today.
This person has blue as their favorite color.
And the kids might be like, oh, it's my parents, not my parent.
Okay. And mystery reader was a thing.
We talked about mystery reader.
Okay. I never read, there was no reading of the book.
There was no reading of the book.
Okay. And again, the gap, like I took off my morning from work.
I, you know, I had to reschedule all my patients.
I picked out her favorite book.
I showed up I mean again it was like I did something to her right so different I mean forget the like yay mommy's here no no I had to carry her out I mean it was like embarrassing I was I was angry at her like why are you doing this to me this is my good mom moment I carved out time I'm showing up for you this is supposed to be a core memory and I'm carrying you out while you're scratching me and while I feel like at the time everyone's looking at me like Like what the F is wrong?
Okay, now the thing I just want to go back to early, this is a whole nother conversation, but breastfeeding I had a whole struggle with and yada, yada, yada.
We could save that for another moment.
Anyway, that was so painful for me with her.
It was like an even harder thing than with my son.
We did a, you know, formula feeding, all the things, fine.
I swear to you, okay?
I don't know if I've ever told you this.
The bottle feeding with this child, if I look back on it, it was the earliest moments like oh my goodness okay because it's all about for these kids control and being able to take in the good things a parent has to offer they're so conflicted about this she would not take the bottle if she could see my face stop i know do you understand how i okay this is how i would feed her this is her like this leaning back looking at stop right that's how I fed her okay for anyone listening like picture your baby's back on your chest looking out with your arm wrapped around just hoping they do not turn their
face no and then get get ready for this because this is my husband and I would talk this is everything we were idiots to not be like okay okay I remember a night she was so conflicted she lost weight you know how they're like baby she lost weight she refused to eat because it was hard to get food and never contorting your body you're literally okay remember this exhausted one of those days i was just like last feeding put her to bed sit on the couch watch a show with my husband i go get in the bottle and this is a moment as a parent you're like i got it in it's like she turns and sees me at the very
end she literally literally vomits the entire bottle eye contact on to my face like i and if my husband is here he would say i think that was one of like becky's lowest moments of motherhood i and and it's like so beautifully disturbingly poetic like you want to give me the thing it feels too close I have to feel like it's under my control and on my timeline to take in, to titrate all the conflictual feelings I have about being close to people.
And as soon as I realize you might have done it to me and I did not have agency, I will take all of the things inside me and in the most violent, aggressive feeling ways always vomit it onto you and when I think about the meltdowns and the way they feel in the animalistic and the scratching like it honestly it is literally the same exact thing but with emotions and not with formula so I guess right away right away my first sign how did you manage to keep a loving bond and stay connected with her during this during these early years when it was so hard you know i i'm pausing just because there
were periods when i i didn't feel like i had that like if i'm honest like again maybe i have to shift the question to like did you always feel this long you know this strong loving bond and how did you manage the periods when you didn't maybe that's the more fair question um that night i like descended into like this like like pit.
It literally felt like I am going to reject the good things you have to give me.
And your love. My love.
Like, I think especially when you're early in your parenting journey, like your love and your support, all of it feels wrapped up in sleep and feeding, right?
Like, and especially with feeding.
It feels like your baby is saying to you, either you're doing a good job, we are connected, and I love you by taking in what you have to give, or you're not doing a good job, and I will not take in what you have to give.
And it almost feels like they're saying, I'm not taking in what you have to give because what you have is earmuffs like shit.
I'm not taking that shit in.
You are shit. Like it feels like your baby's saying that to you even though it feels crazy because you're like, well, they're not saying they're a baby but it feels like that.
So how do you maintain a loving bond?
I think step one, when I remember those early years before I understood it, because again, I didn't even realize that was like part of this thing is this not quite an answer to your question but it's going through my art was just like letting myself feel confused and like feel down and feel rejected without layering on so many additional levels of like awfulness and blame and shame like I articulated to you I had some but I but I do remember and you know I did I think I was lucky I had some people in my life who also didn't quite understand it, but would just say to me, like, there's nothing more
powerful than saying like, that makes sense.
That makes sense. That sounds like an awful night.
And I think people are so afraid to say that to us because they think it's going to spiral us deeper.
When they say that to us, it's like they're handing us a container for the feeling so it doesn't have to just continue in tune a bit.
They're like, here's a container poured into this glass.
And then it like can hold.
Something I love that you say is we can't change the hard. We can change the alone.
that really reminds me of that.
I think that that was probably step one.
It was just like the crying.
But like, what the heck?
I don't understand this.
And like different people in my life being like, yes, that is true right now.
You're probably saying, but that is true right now.
It's like the version of yet we all love.
You don't understand it yet.
That is true right now.
How it feels today feels so true.
And that's, I find the hardest part of parenting, but definitely early parenting, is that whatever's happening in the moment when it's hard, it feels like the truth forever.
You feel like you're never going going to get another chance.
Like that's how it's always going to be.
If it didn't feel like that, it would inherently be copable because you're like, all right, it's a day.
It just felt like the whole truth.
But I think between people, again, not leaving me alone and having like a little more hope.
And then I think I realized early on, like my, maybe this is going to be a journey.
This is going to be a journey.
Like, I don't understand this right now.
Something is real. It reminds me of like, honestly, for these kids, sometimes just like believing before you understand is the order of operations we need.
We all think we need to understand something before we like believe it or trust it.
But I think like reversing that with these kids, like I trust there's something tricky here.
I don't understand it yet.
I will ill, for now I just know this is like real.
And it probably doesn't mean my kid is crazy.
It doesn't mean I'm crazy.
It doesn't mean my kid is broken.
It doesn't mean I'm broken.
The truth of it is like a little smaller, though, like also painful, which is like, this is different.
This is hard. My connection to this child is going to like be a lot more rollercoaster -y than maybe my other kid.
And like, if that doesn't have to mean that I'm broken or my kid is broken, then maybe I can tolerate it even if I grieve it a little bit.
Right. That makes it sound like very wrapped up with a bow.
It isn't. But maybe in a way, what I'm saying is like allowing yourself to feel like this feels different.
This isn't what I expected.
This journey might look different.
And I think I'm going to understand it more and more over time is ironically the thing that helped me have like a stronger bond over time.
I have to imagine that parenting a deeply feeling kid before you even had the words for deeply feeling kid had to take a toll on your partnership.
No, not at all. No, no, not me.
Yes. Is that the question?
I'll add a question mark to the end of that partnership.
Yeah, you know, it's really interesting.
I mean, my deeply feeling kid is now 10.
A decade. Right. It's actually so crazy that that feeding thing happened like a decade ago in my body.
Like I can I literally know every single detail about that night, the feeling where I was like everything that happened.
But it's been a decade and just I don't want to say the end of the story because, again, parenting is a journey.
Right. But like it's just amazing what what a different place we're in.
Right. And how it's led to this like whole movement, you know, and and me feeling, I think, healed through talking about it and developing an approach. that hasn't existed before.
And through doing that and putting that out there, having so many more people help me better understand and help me, it's just been like a healing journey for me.
So my partnership, you know, my husband and I were actually just talking about this the other night because there's something about age 10 that like I think has made us reflect on like, oh, 10, you know?
He said something to me really interesting that I hadn't ever considered before because if he was in this room, what he would say to you, you know, my husband is he would just say like, oh, was I on board with the way Becky approached it?
Like, no, every bone in my body every time was like, this is insane.
We have to punish her.
She can't, she can't get away with this.
Oh, no, we're back here again.
How are we letting her get away with this right um and we were talking about it but you know what's interesting I really it didn't take that much of a toll on our partnership okay and it's not because it's because we have a perfect marriage no okay but I I was so after the hardest stages of like the first two years and I was kind of just like in this black hole like when I started to be like okay Becky wait like one of of the things I do is understand things.
One of the things I do is let myself not know.
Like, I actually think one of the things that makes me like, if I'm gonna say like a good therapist is I am actually very comfortable hearing something from someone and being like, I have no idea what this is about.
And then just like, because I'm allowing myself not to know, I can just like pull threads and be like, I think that's important.
Tell me more. Okay.
And then like, and I still don't know, but I just feel like the right detective almost. Yeah.
Like, so I was like, Like I'm gonna, I can use that like, right?
And so I really did it.
And I knew the thing for her that was so big was shame.
Like shame makes our vulnerable feelings explosive.
These kids almost have shame.
She couldn't take in my help from the start.
It's like she was born with shame or something.
I don't know, right?
So what happened in my partnership is she'd have these moments.
And my husband, what he would in the moment, this is, he would lose it, right?
Like you can't talk to me that way.
And I would do the thing, you know, that like we always do in those hard moments, the containment.
I would, and I would do it with conviction because I was just like, I'm doing it.
And I was talking about this with him last night because he, in those same moments, just start like yelling out punishments.
I don't know, something.
And I would just take the lead and do it.
And what he said to me the other, the other night is he's like, you know, you never came came to me and like, tried to convince me so much that like, I had to do the thing you were doing.
Interesting. Like it never was even like, like, it wasn't like you talked to me about how you thought about it.
You talked to me how you understood it.
You took the lead in those hard moments.
But I just been thinking about this a lot because I hear from all the time, from people all the time.
How do you get your partner on board?
So I asked him, like, how did I get you you know what he said to me I'm not on board now that's what he said let's get me I'm not on board I was like oh you're not you know and he's like no you know fully I'm not on board he's like you know and we talked about how his childhood I have punishment in my bones like are you serious I would never have been allowed to do this like all the things that everyone says he's like you just kind of in the moment like you just like ignored me but like not in a mean way and then when you do the the thing with her it also gave me time to like calm yourself down
no and this is what I'm really curious from parents I hope they reach out to us after our comment he's like whenever I got calm after the moment had passed where she'd had this huge thing in my calm wise moment I never said to you we have to punish the crap out of her we have to take away her iPad he's like also there were all these glimmers of moments where like I'd see her in this animalistic state and then you do this thing.
And the way it always ended was her like so vulnerable, crying almost like this little puppy in your in your lap.
And I'd be like, oh, that's interesting.
Something you say that I love is my kids get Becky, not Dr. Becky.
Can you please tell us about a mistake you've made along the way?
You know, I think my answer to this question is I think my my best ideas that I have either come come from learnings of working with families so many learnings of working with adults and figuring out their arc and what happened and and reflecting on like the things i like oh my goodness wish i could go back and do differently right so anytime anyone hears me talking about something and they think like oh that dr becky sounds so smart i i hope they say after she must have really messed that up.
The smarter the idea, the bigger the mess up she must've had.
So I have a million moments where like I yell inside of this, but, but I feel like I'm like willing to share something that's bigger than that.
I actually think it's my husband and I were talking about this, you know, the other day too.
Like, I think it's honestly like the, the thing I feel the most most awful about in my parenting journey, not just, you know, for my, my DFK.
So, so when I had my third, I feel like when I, my third kid, you say like, I feel like I like lost my first kid for the first three months.
Like there was a version of him that came out from the destabilization that like, I remember me and my husband being like, have we lost, like, have we lost him?
It really felt like that.
And then he came back, not like perfect, but then we're like, okay, OK.
Three months. Soon as we felt better, it was not literally my DFK was like, I'll take it from here.
That's what happens with siblings.
Yeah. There's only a certain amount of like chaos and struggle that a system can handle.
And so for parents, it does seem like my kids switch off or now it's because like the system is more powerful than the individuals.
And it is true. We eat off what is available in our system and what is their space for now.
which doesn't mean kids take advantage of it it's actually like a more hopeful way of like now there's enough space for me to express something so I can have my parent help me work through it and for her it came out in sleep she she would not go to sleep going to sleep the middle of the night like and I know there's a lot of us who've been through and I went through sleep stages with my oldest too and my youngest now that he's older this was this was just like it was horrible I me the screaming, the refusal, how long it took to go to bed, how long she screamed in the middle of the night.
Okay. I didn't let her come into our room.
I didn't let her come into my room.
I think I was so fearful.
I don't know what. It was like this rigidity of like, I can't do, I don't know.
I don't know what it was.
She'll be in my room forever.
I can't do that. That's my boundary.
like I didn't see what I wish I saw now which is like she's so destabilized by this family change she's so aware and perceptive and so many deep feelings about change and transitions anyway and she's so scared to go to sleep and like something else will wake up and change and she won't go she needs all the thing I just um and I didn't I didn't let her in my room our room and I guess my husband kind of let me take the lead and he also he often was the one who intervened because Because like my presence was almost so activating.
And she, she slept.
This is, this is so horrible.
She literally slept on the wood floor outside of our bedroom for months.
I would find her in the morning.
Curled up there. And, you know, my intervention was like, you know, we went to her room, you know, we did this and, you know, your bed is more comfortable and this and, you know, sit in her room.
But I know she just, she really needed, I think, for a period of time to like have a mattress in our bed and just have the, in our room and just like have the option of coming in.
And my fear, my, I don't know, it just got in the way.
You know, she ended up telling us that at the time, because I think she hardened around and was trying to compensate.
And it became this almost like joke that like, I look back and like, I was like, Oh, like, where she started saying, I'm a wood person.
person. It's a wood person.
I don't like beds. I'm a wood person.
And if I could go back, oh my goodness, if I could go back, like I really do.
I feel like, I feel like a monster as I talk about it.
Like she was three.
She was so scared. It obviously came out in the way it does for these kids and like aggression and I hate you.
And, you know, and she'd say things like, I don't want you.
I don't want you. And I don't want to be in your room.
And I'd adjust. I was like, she's like, waking up, like screaming for us in the middle of the night, clearly, you know, and, um, yeah, I would have handled that.
I would have handled that totally differently.
Um, and so that's the truth of it.
I want to be honest right now.
I'm just going to tell you something.
I want to go back to the moment I told you she did it for months.
I don't know if it was months.
I don't really remember.
It just felt like, and I want to go back and edit this recording and say it was days or weeks.
I do. It's like such a big urge that I'm naming it.
Um, I really do. Cause I'm like, oh my goodness, this is so horrible.
And what is everyone going to think?
And, um, but you know, my memory of it, and I don't know if it's true or just because I feel awful about it was that it was for like a lot longer than it should have been thank you for sharing that i think every parent has their sleeping on the floor moment like that and hearing you the doctor becky of all of it had those moments too it's it's nice to hear i'm sure here's here's a duality i'm feeling right now and i want to say they're they're equally true like i don't even even know if I've told my close friends like that story because it just is it's something I feel like so ashamed of and obviously
now is like Dr. Becky it feels like oh my goodness like how did I do that um and it's true and I also what's also true is that period did not define my relationship relationship with my daughter.
And it is so possible to have a period of time when you look back and you're like, I, I feel like I was a monster.
I cannot believe I did that.
I wish I could go back and do every moment completely differently.
And the truth is I have to live with that too.
Like I remember it in my body.
My daughter remembers it too.
But like, it's so easy to take that and to be like it's too late I just forgot I have to hold thing up like that you know she was young the young years matter so like I'm right there with people who are like I didn't do it the way I wanted to for some period that feels like way too long of a period when they were young and like if you saw me with my daughter and you have she's not like permanently scarred from that you know I think you know obviously I've repaired in a million different ways for that both both to her face and just mostly in the way I think I've like tried to dive into learning
and just committing to like both doing better and knowing in moments I'm not repairing.
Like that's the best it gets kind of, again, we say like experts in imperfect parenting.
Like I've tried to like really do that.
So anyone listening who's like, I've, I've done that.
I've done worse. Maybe someone's like, wow, now I feel better.
I didn't do that, Becky.
I'm better than you.
You know, no matter where you are, like those things can be true and you can feel awful and when those things are real and like I know from my relationship with my deeply feeling kid that that stage did not color or dictate the entirety of her journey or our relationship.
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Find out how much at Airbnb .com slash host. Were you nervous that your third child would be a deeply feeling kid?
You know, I actually wasn't.
i mean i i if my if i'm honest i didn't think about it right and i know i wasn't worried because if i was worried i would have thought about it i would have ruminated about it you know um but i wasn't worried and i think part of it is i don't feel like being a deeply feeling kid is a problem i don't really feel like it's a problem to fix or like a defect to avoid and i do feel like once you understand these kids which then you have moments when you don't understand you forget it you come back.
It's like any language, you learn it, you feel competent, you go back to your language of origin.
When you're stressed, you learn more and you keep going.
Like I had, I had, I had a really developing sense of competence as a parent.
I think because I had a deeply feeling kid, because I started to have moments of like, I know exactly how to handle this.
It doesn't mean it's pretty.
It definitely doesn't mean it's convenient, but I knew what to do.
And it was like a pilot kind of, I was getting my wings.
Can you share an early win that you had with her a time that helped you see kind of the light that things were going to be okay yeah so I mean there's so many different ones um and a lot of them I think I'm going to say and someone's like I think she misheard the question it doesn't really sound like a win but I think it's it's important these were my wins because this is what the early wins look like so I remember I think my daughter was I didn't have a third yes she must have been two two I would say two something like that and she was in her brother's room it was like five and her brother had
a friend over and they were all playing this already like I can't explain it when that stuff happening like I'm a little like on eggshells like somebody's gonna this is like gonna end well because I know for her she so wanted to be included and she's so sensitive to rejection like in that dynamic I want to be here and please don't kick me out and I want to be included and you know I'm gonna double down on control when things feel bad which makes someone one hard to hold it's going well and I hear a little something and my son comes out to me just goes mom like I asked her if we could have some
alone time I really want some alone time with my friend like could you help me like she won't leave the room and I can say in my house I'm like I think that's really okay number one I think when you have a play date it's generous to allow your siblings to play if you don't force it they generally will and I totally respect also what times you're like I want to have my friend totally get that I also think it is not his job to keep her calm so even if part of me is like oh please just like let her stay I don't want to deal with this I'm not trying to say I'm above that here and there definitely
had those moments but as a general pattern that is definitely not his job that is a very unhealthy thing for a kid to feel like right they have to take that on kind of asking him to do my job for me so I was like all right here we go fine okay I just think about my third kid in the room I'd be like hey sweetie you know this going on you want to play and I think he'd like put up a little thing no it's not fair and I'd be like come on you know what like let's do this thing together I'll and he'd be like okay or you know he'd like maybe have a little meltdown I'd pick him up and it'd be fine I knew
I I feel like if I was texting with someone I would have been like hold on I'll be back in 75 minutes that's what I probably would have said like this is a new situation okay so I go in I start and I say hey I kind of start calm and I know you don't want to leave it's been so fun that's it because then it's like the spotlights on her okay so here's do you want to know my win this was the win was the arc not just a moment we cheapen ourselves and we're like the win is my kid doing the thing they want it's like a speck of time so I did the DFK thing I did this whole swoop in you know I was sturdy I
was confident she felt my conviction even if a part of me was like I don't know I brought her to her room I sat with her in her room or any the whole containment situation which was not pretty at first I mean the scratching the hissing the I hate you that you're the worst, being in there.
I can't even describe what that room was like in the beginning.
I was just saying to myself, she needs my help.
I know it. I need to prove to her I am less afraid of her feelings than she is.
That will not pay dividends immediately, but I am in this for the long game.
I want her to be a functioning 15 -year -old, 28 -year -old, 40 -year -old.
It's gonna take time to get there but like this is you know I'm long -term greedy here I knew it because I started to really understand these and like these kids in deep psychological way and I'll never forget this was one of the first times I really did this containment thing when it was like so big and it was so just the stuff there I had to like you know move the books that was being thrown it was just a whole situation a lot of work so much work so exhausting so much much work inside myself to like stay calm and trust that it would have an ending because it feels like this is going to go on forever.
But I also know if they feel that from you, then they feel your fear is going to go on forever.
Ironically, it does go on for longer.
It's just like so complex. They feel everything anyway.
And then how it ended was she like literally crawled over to me and did.
She curled up in my lap, like not the way my other kids do after, her which is more of a like embodied hug like there was still enough shame she couldn't see me but like it was it was so young and it sounds funny because you're like she was young she was but it was like it was like almost like a fetal position and like allowing herself and I just like like, I like, remember like from her hair to her back, I was just kind of like rubbing it.
I don't even think I was saying anything.
Words, as we know, can be so incendiary.
And I softened and she softened.
And I just like knew, I was like, that mattered.
That mattered. And I trust that feeling that it mattered.
And I think parents who do this, they tell me like they get this feeling too it's not just like me it's not like I'm so confident like it's like this deep bodily internal awareness of something important and it's enough to sustain the very very bumpy road that's ahead that's great it's a win that might not look like a win to others but like you're saying you feel it give us an update how is your deeply feeling kid doing now No, I mean, she's the best. Like she, and that doesn't mean she's like better than my other kids.
Like she is, she, there are just so many examples.
I can just list a few where like my husband and I look at each other and we're like, oh my goodness.
Like we know that would not have just happened.
Like it's not like that just unfolded.
That is like so much of what she's been working on.
We've been working on, we've been learning, we've been understanding.
Like, and it comes out.
So like, she is also like, she is so ebullient now.
know like her ability to like be excited for things be happy about things she is hysterical I'm convinced that any like situational comic like a Jerry Seinfeld I don't know at all but like these people who like they were deeply failing kids because they notice everything they notice everything and they're the ones who make us say like oh my god that's so true they're the people who are hyper noticers like I say to her she's a super censor and she is harnessing her ability to do accents her ability to make this quick -witted joke in the exact right right moment, that referenced something else that happened.
She, it is amazing.
It is like so amazing socially.
So that's how this thing happened.
We're like, again, and just generally, she can now be embarrassed in front of friends and she doesn't blame people.
She doesn't freak out.
She can laugh it off.
She was reading something aloud in front of our family and she messed up a word. I mean, that literally, I would have lost the entire week with my family after that almost. Okay, no, she's like, oh, is that what he said?
No, it's this and moved on.
Like, I feel like my husband and I like I remember that moment she was like seven like that was seven years of working toward that like oh my goodness right and then this just happened the other day so my three kids were playing with this like unhelium balloon in my house like kind of the bluey like keepy up a game they made up this it's like such an amazing I was like this is not always in my house it's like this beautiful non -screen right thing okay and it was like they're keeping it up and like something about whoever gets misses it they're out and they said she was out and she was the first
one out. I just can't even tell you.
And if I saw it, the shame sensitivity, the rage toward me, it could have been anything.
You made that happen.
Everyone in this family hates me.
You wish I wasn't even in this family.
And we're like, what the heck?
And then containment and this whole thing.
She saw me and I braced myself still.
She ran over to me and she almost like moved my body, not like pushed me across, but she moved my body into the corner.
So like the brothers others couldn't see.
And she literally gave me a hug.
And this is what she said.
They called me a crash out.
Do you know that term?
No. Okay. So this is, you don't have a teenager.
So like someone who, I don't know, they're an athlete.
And like at the end of the game, like their team ends up losing and you just see them, they're fouling everywhere.
And or they're complaining at the ref, like, Oh, that dude crashed out, you know?
Oh, oh, she's crashing out right now, you know?
Like you're kind of being a poor spore and like, you know, she's a crash out.
He's a crash out. Stop being a crash out.
Okay. And to be fair, she was like putting up a fight.
I don't need a crash out.
So this is like all the situations.
I lose first. I'm out.
My sensitivity to rejection, to feeling like not enough.
It's them against me, which I already feel because I'm the only girl and they're brothers and they have a different connection.
It's public. Other people are there.
I'm putting a label on it.
I'm not even just saying, it's like I'm calling you something.
The fact that number one, she came to me, she sought me out for comfort.
She knew I don't want this to be public, but instead of that being the shame, she literally initiated it being private.
And she used words and said, they called me a crash out when she was crying, like to me, like, and just, I didn't even say much. I just hugged her.
We got through it. She said, can we We go do art instead.
I was like, you better bet.
I was about to, like, give you anything you wanted.
Like, I'll do art with you.
Sure. Paint the walls.
Literally. I was just like, I think anybody, you, you know, these kids, anybody who's listening, who's not there, I think knows like the multitude of things that that moment symbolizes.
and like to some degree if that resonates like i hope there's like a side -by -side hope of like oh like this can be like that can happen fast forward and you have now created an entire approach to raising deeply feeling kids you've created multiple workshops dedicated a chapter of your book to deeply feeling kids and trained other parent coaches in this method so they can can help people inside the good inside community does your daughter know she's kind of a big deal so this in some ways is like this other win she knows the term of course and like what she says to me all the time she goes you
know I started good inside like she literally said to me one day in such a way you would be nothing without me it's like so close you'd be nothing without me I started this company and she says like, I'm the OG, I'm the OG DFK.
And I'm just like, you are.
And I tell her like, I have learned not just so much, I think about development and kids.
Like I really, I've learned so much about myself.
Maybe I wasn't a deeply feeling kid, but of course I have moments where I have shame.
I have moments where I look to blame instead of own my own feelings.
I have moments when I'm trying to titrate, like how close do I want to be to someone?
How much do I risk to feel close to them?
What if I'm rejected?
How do I? We all have those themes.
Like I I really believe I've grown so much because of my because of my deeply feeling kid.
Does she know she's a big deal?
Yes, yes, as she should, as she should.
Well, she's so lucky to have you really.
Thanks, Becky. Aki?
I want to end this episode with a deep, deep thank you.
This community is amazing.
You show up for me every time.
You are honest. You give me these raw, real truths from your home, from your heart, from your head.
And I really mean this.
That is what makes me feel safe enough enough to share the same with you.
This is something very, very special.
And I just want you to know that I am so grateful to just be in this really messy parenting journey with you.
The other thing I just want to add is if this resonated with you, if you're looking for some support with your deeply feeling kid, or feel like you might have a deeply feeling kid, we're here for you.
Until next time. Thank you to our sponsors, Airbnb and Skylight for sponsoring this episode.
