Okay, if you've heard that annoying song, it means that you're listening to the Conan and Jordan show.
I'm Conan O'Brien.
I'm joined by Jordan Schlansky.
We chose that song, Jordan, because it's your favorite group.
And maybe your favorite song by that group?
Not necessarily, but it is an excellent song.
Maybe their archetypal song.
Yeah.
Why did you have to glance at the logo that said the Conan O Jordan show when you said the name of the show?
Do you forget the name?
You didn't know it either.
If you play that back, you just said Conan O. Jordan show.
So you don't know it either.
Maybe you should look at the screen next time.
All right.
All right.
If you're going to call me on the title of the show.
Sure.
You better have it right.
Right.
I looked at it because sometimes I need confirmation that I agreed to do this.
I see.
And there it is.
Okay.
And it's got a lot of your favorite things, a Vespa.
I can't even identify some of them.
I understand the pizza, the wine, the grapes, the Vespa.
Is that a lemon behind the meatballs?
What's the yellow thing?
Oh, those are meat.
I didn't know what those were.
That looks like orange chicken.
That looks like General Chow's chicken.
That's what I thought it was.
And I thought, I didn't know you loved General Chow's chicken.
I think Frank told me it was meatballs, but I still don't know.
Is that a lemon coming from behind the meatball?
I honestly don't know what that is.
Okay.
And I never had the graphic expression.
I think it's a Tuma.
Um...
Jordan?
Yes.
People, I don't want to say they enjoy our chemistry.
Okay.
There's no proof that that's the case.
Right.
But we do have a chemical reaction between us, which is quite unusual.
I've never had a relationship with anyone in my entire life.
I've met Kings queens, courtesans.
I've never met anybody quite like you.
You're an unusual fellow.
We fight, we bicker, but I think beneath it all, we really do hate each other.
And there's no other show like this.
People love our interactions.
Whenever I walk around in the world, people say, hey, where's Jordan?
How's he doing?
Is he for real?
That's when I get a lot.
Is he for real?
And I'm not sure.
You might be a hallucination.
This could be like the end of Fight Club where I realized you never existed.
Or maybe I don't exist and you're imagining me.
It's one of those things.
It's a real mind blower.
One of us is imagining the other, or maybe neither of us is imagining no one.
Anyway, that was a lot of what we call filler in the business.
He has a clip.
Jordan brought a clip with him today.
Okay, you brought a clip?
I did.
Okay.
Yeah, I spotted a paparazzo video of you.
You are, in fact, an A-list celebrity.
You think I'm A-list?
Yeah.
From time to time, you're confronted by paparazzi out in the world.
And I saw this one a while ago.
And you're in New York City, walking by what I assume might be Central Park South, somewhere in the vicinity of Central Park.
That is Central Park South.
You see this paparazzo standing there.
Paparazzi.
Yeah.
And and, you know, in that moment, you know, he does not even asking you a question.
The question becomes in your mind, what do you do?
How do you handle?
How do you react?
And and the way I interpret it is you make a conscious decision.
OK, I see this paparazzo there.
Nothing new must happen frequently.
I'm just going to continue walking, going about my thing.
Right.
But.
Your brain is very conscious of the fact that now you're deliberately walking with with purpose.
Now, listen, you're a man with good posture.
I myself am not.
And I've always appreciated that about you.
You stand very erect.
OK, now a lot of taller people have a problem with good posture because they feel insecure about their height and they're even subconsciously trying to shrink down a bit.
But you you own it.
I've always appreciated that.
Now, in this particular moment and I've seen you walk many times over many years in this particular moment I'm convinced that your mind is so deliberate about, I'm going to walk confidently.
You pass the camera, you start, you're coming at him and you pass.
And then there's a shot of your ass walking away and your ass cheeks rolling are gyrating from side to side because you're walking with such purpose.
Now, listen, you have a high rider.
You always have.
Your ass, if one were to categorize different asses, they do fall into general.
Everyone has a unique ass.
I'm not trying to diminish anybody's uniqueness.
But what I'm saying is there are general categories.
And yours is you'll call your ass flat.
But to me, the flatness is not the most significant characteristic.
You have a high rider.
It rides high up on your legs, and it has a very specific look.
And when you're walking away from this man's camera with such confidence, such deliberate confidence, your ass cheeks are gyrating from side to side.
It's a saunter.
It is the perfect representation of a saunter.
And in that moment I don't know if you were feeling a sexuality in you, in your confidence, but I'm telling you your ass.
And their pants are very form fitting as well.
I remember the days when as a tall man, you found it hard to buy jeans that were long enough.
And and then you found a guy to start custom making.
Your jeans and your pants are so well fitted now.
They're really hugging those ass cheeks.
And and I just think it's remarkable.
I think we should acknowledge your the behavior of your ass as you're walking away from camera in this paparazzo video.
Would you like that to go on any longer before I interrupt you or are you done?
I said what I needed to say.
Okay.
I don't recall this in general.
It looks like it's springtime, maybe fall.
Who can say?
Maybe about 49 weeks ago.
Somewhere around May 17th, 2024.
Okay, I'm guessing there's a date on this.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And we live in an era now where people have cameras out all the time.
There's paparazzo cameras, but there's also just people with iPhones, whatever.
So you get less self-conscious about it over time.
I don't think I'm that much affected by this person.
You're saying you would be walking like, again, you haven't seen this footage.
Oh, but I know how I walk.
You lived it.
Here's what I'll tell you.
You've walked with me.
I walk very quickly.
I walk with purpose.
I do have very good posture.
Mm-hmm. none other than Steve Martin once in a note to me, talked to me about my posture.
Fascinating.
And said, pointed out that my posture was so good that it distracted him from whatever I was saying.
Mm-hmm.
Meaning that he thought my posture was much more impressive than my comedy.
Mm-hmm.
And I do think it's possible that I'm trying to.
This is my way of coming on to whoever's photographing me that maybe I'm putting a little English on the ass.
I think you were.
I've never seen your ass move like this.
And I've seen your ass move many times.
And you keep an eye on my ass.
It presents itself to me.
I'm not looking for it and I'm not looking away from my ass presents itself.
Yes, it presents itself to me in certain situations.
I never expect it to.
But sometimes there it is.
Like I say, I don't turn away if it falls into my field of vision.
If I'm looking this way and your ass moves there, I'm not going to look away from it.
You're saying much like a baboon.
I use my ass to attract you.
You know what?
A baboon is a perfect analogy.
And a baboon, when a baboon's ass becomes quite red, they present it.
And presenting the ass is maybe the most primordial form of a sexual come on.
Yeah.
I honestly don't think you meant to be sexual, but I've never seen your ass move like this.
And I know you were working.
You were walking with a determined sense of confidence and and it manifested in your ass cheeks gyrating from left to right.
Should we look at it?
Roll the tape.
Sure.
How's it going?
Good to see you.
Good to see you, too.
I don't see a lot of gyrating going on there.
Do you see how there are two diagonal creases, primary diagonal creases in the pants?
Eduardo, do you want to jump in?
Do you see a lot of undulation of ass?
I don't know what to say.
You can say whatever.
No, I just see a normal person walking.
Yeah, I don't see what you see.
Okay, so there are two diagonal creases, primary diagonal creases in the pants.
And as you walk- You know what this is?
This is the Zapruder film.
I would have to see the opposite of that to be able to compare.
You can't identify the variable without the control.
This is the Zapruder film, meaning a lone assassin.
Theorist like myself looks at it and goes yeah, that's Oswald getting off three shots and two of them hit.
Yeah.
But you show the exact same footage to a conspiracy theorist and they see 15 gunshots and people with arrows and parachutists and all kinds of stuff.
I don't know how not to walk like that.
You know, I don't know how to...
For that not to happen, for one buttock not to be moving independently of the other, you would have to sew my buttocks shut and I would have to be on some kind of electric scooter where my legs are immobile.
That's the only way you could achieve the non-undulation That's the only way that could happen.
I have confidence in my observational skills and I'm familiar with your ass.
I don't.
You say you're familiar with my ass.
Obviously something jumped out at me about this particular way your ass was moving.
I immediately sent it to Frank.
Okay.
I'm going to stand.
Okay.
You can take the headphones off.
Well, I want to keep them on just so I can hear.
All right.
So yeah.
All right.
And so I'm walking.
Yeah.
Mike, that's what I'm talking about.
You have this happening.
You see these two diagonal creases right here?
I didn't see that until you started sticking your ass out right now.
When you first started doing it, I just saw a big blob of fabric.
Was this an excuse to touch me?
You didn't need to touch me.
You just touched my- With the back of my hands.
That's how they do it at the TSA.
That's not, that doesn't count.
The front of the hands counts.
The back of the hands doesn't count.
Look at his maniacal puss.
No, that's how they do it at the TSA.
Look at his maniacal puss.
Whenever you start to lose it, you get crazy eyes.
You get crazy eyes.
Oh, so you go on a subway and you take the backs of your hands and you touch women's asses and then say hey TSA, TSA.
TSA in the USA, that's what you do?
I am telling you, it is very asexual to touch anything with the back of your hands.
That's not true.
I think some of the most erotic moments of my life have been with the back of my hands.
What are you talking about?
How would you ever...
How would you ever in a sexual situation use the back of your hand?
What are you talking about?
I use the back of my hands all the time in a sexual way.
It's counterintuitive.
You haven't done that?
No, there's nothing you can do to anything.
It's called painting the house.
What you do is you brush the woman.
Or I'm going to say, listen, we live in a culture where it could be a woman, a guy, whatever.
It doesn't matter to be woman on woman.
You know, what I'm saying is I have often used that motion.
I've often used the back of my hand.
The difference between the front of the hand and the back of the hand is immense.
Not true.
It's not subtle.
That's not true.
It is not subtle.
Old wives tale.
There's more nerve endings on the back of your hand.
No, that's ridiculous.
And guess what?
Just the psychological?
The most erogenous zone, and this is a true fact.
It was in Men's Health three months ago.
Look it up.
Yeah.
Ryan Reynolds is on the cover is the back of the hand, and the knuckles are the most erogenous zone on the body, more so than any other part of the body.
True story.
Can you imagine if you were gifted a sexual experience with someone you were incredibly attracted to?
Bridgette Bardot, Bridgette Bardot, 1958.
1958, but the rule was she could only use the bathroom.
That would be my request.
You cannot do anything you want with the back of your hands.
What a horrible, frustrating way to leave somebody hanging.
That's not true.
What are you talking about?
You've never even tried it.
Of course I haven't tried it.
How do you know what you're talking about?
You're missing out on this.
The greatest sexual high is using the erogenous zone.
The primary erogenous zones of the body are the left and right back of hands.
And do you know that the knuckles, the knuckles, were thought of by the Greeks as the center of eroticism.
Do you know what ruined orgasms are?
Do you know this sexual genre?
What's it called?
Ruined?
Ruined orgasms.
Do you mean ruined?
Yeah, ruined.
You just said ruined.
That's the same thing.
Are you losing your mind?
Look at your eyebrows.
Forget about ruined... Hey, Riddler, your eyebrows are going off the charts.
Listen to me.
Do you know about ruined orgasms?
It's a sexual fetish.
Do you understand?
It's when you... It's when... I want to say this in a tasteful way.
When...
Someone is going to have an orgasm.
Yeah.
But someone's about to.
But at the critical moment, the sexual stimulation stops.
Yes.
Now it's too late to stop the orgasm, but you're not enjoying the orgasm.
But people love that.
To me.
What do you mean they love it?
Who loves it?
I'm saying people are into it.
And it's called.
Can I say it the correct way?
Ruined.
Ruined orgasm.
Is that a New York thing when you say ruined?
I don't know.
That's the way I say it.
Ruined.
I've never said ruined as I'm from New York.
I have a problem.
But what I'm saying is.
What I'm saying is that to me is another untapped sexual genre of you can be with anyone you want.
You can do anything you want.
Like a woman says, take me, do whatever you want, but only use the back of your hand.
Yeah.
That's incredibly frustrating.
That's like you ruined the experience.
Well, I more think you ruined it.
But I disagree with you, and I think you're berating something you haven't tried.
And I suggest that you go home tonight, talk about it with your wife and say that you want to paint the barn.
And that's using the back of the hands.
And just try it.
But I don't see, you've read into this Conan paparazzi footage of me walking and it's nonsense.
It's nonsensical.
And I think, I'm glad that Eduardo spoke up.
There's no there there.
You're seeing, you're lost in a mystical world of my ass.
Yeah.
And you can't find your way out.
You're seeing things that aren't there.
Like any great piece of media or art, we're all allowed our own interpretations.
Eduardo, I appreciate the way he sees it.
I appreciate the way I see it.
Okay.
If you ever touch me again, the front or back of hands, I'll pound you.
Okay.
Yes.
I'll pound your face to clay.
Understood.
Okay.
Yeah.
Never do that.
Or you ask first.
With the TSA, it's understood that this is going to happen.
How would I have asked?
You would have said, may I now touch you?
Okay.
And I've said no.
I should have said that.
Yeah.
I don't disagree.
As you know, the new season Max Travel Series Conan O'Brien Must Go is coming out, season number two.
Yes.
And we are, it'll be three episodes.
And you are a part of that journey.
People love, the fans love it when you come along and make an appearance.
We went to Austria together.
Yes.
This is going to be seen by people.
I don't know exactly when this drops, but I'm assuming it's out because it's coming out very soon and people can watch it.
It was a lot of fun.
Did you enjoy Austria?
Yes, I love... Do you call it Austria or do you call it Austerlitz?
Österreich.
Pardon me?
Österreich.
You okay?
Yeah.
Gesundheit.
Thank you.
I did.
I had a great time.
You and I had many moments even off camera.
I do believe that these experiences bring two human souls closer together.
They put us in a situation where we flourish long after the trip has ended.
Yeah.
It's funny how you always need to point out that we are human beings.
That's just wasted verbiage.
That's packing peanuts.
Well, it's perspective.
I like to give perspective.
And I speak the way I speak.
You may not understand all my motivations, but they are very deliberate.
I like to paint a picture.
We are looking down on ourselves in that moment.
We are human beings.
Trust me, I am looking down on you right now.
Okay.
Jordan, we went to Vienna.
Yeah.
I had not been to Vienna before.
What a beautiful city.
Incredible.
And you're a man of many tastes.
You appreciate different cultures.
And Vienna, I saw you really come alive in Vienna.
Oh, yeah. and I wish I hadn't, but I did.
You were, you love your Wienerschnitzel.
Yes, I do.
And you had Wienerschnitzel every night.
I did, yeah.
And you wanted to try the Wienerschnitzel in every restaurant.
That's right.
It is a, I don't know how else to say it.
It's a chicken McNugget.
It's a chicken McNugget that's been pounded a little flatter.
It's neither chicken nor a nugget.
It is basically a breaded piece of white meat, whether it's veal or chicken.
They make both.
I'll allow it.
But thank you, Your Honor.
Yeah.
Appreciate it. but it was quite good.
But I found that by like night three, I was yearning for anything else.
You were.
This is no exaggeration.
And you kept saying the waiter would come and you would say, I'll have...
You're Wienerschnitzel, sir.
And they would say, jawohl.
They'd click their heels.
And I was just like, give me anything else at this point.
You are 100% correct.
And I would have thought that fried meat is right up your alley.
It is.
It was for a day or two.
No, for three days in a row.
And like by the fourth day.
Yeah.
I wanted someone to use that device that's in No Country for Old Men.
Oh, yeah.
That Javier Bardem has.
It puts a bolt in your brain.
Right.
I was done.
Yeah.
I was done with it.
They also not a lot of vegetables.
Yeah, that's correct.
Yeah.
What happened with the vegetables?
Did they did the vegetables flee Germany at some point?
Yeah.
Well, they what they consider to be vegetables, or potatoes which, of course, is a starchy vegetable doesn't give me the fiber I'm looking for.
I'm deliberately looking for fiber.
You talk about the salami. but fiber is important to you.
It's incredibly important.
Food to me, the secret to eating healthy is combining foods.
It's not what you eat, it's what you eat together.
Okay, so for me, there are three components of every meal and every snack.
I'm gonna pretend to find this interesting.
Yes, go ahead, please.
Protein, carbohydrates, and fiber.
Wow, this is some new theory you've come up with.
This is the way I live my life.
Yeah, that's the way I live my life.
That's absolutely not everything.
That means you're going to have a meat.
You're going to have a starch, a meat, or a fish, a starch and then a vegetable.
And the vegetable is where I found challenged in Oosterreich.
Yeah.
I think we get a little spoiled here in Los Angeles.
In Los Angeles, we have an abundanza, if you will, fruits, oranges.
I mean, anything you want.
Yeah.
It's at your nearest Whole Foods.
Yeah.
There.
Am I correct?
Well, I've traveled the world, and you have to understand too that that doesn't sound pompous at all.
But no, I have traveled the world and I'm not only coming from a frame of reference of Los Angeles.
I realize that there are many cultures.
They all eat differently.
But you have to remember Austria.
While Vienna is not in the mountains per se, Austria is a mountainous culture, and food of the mountains is typically meat and potatoes.
OK, doesn't surprise me.
So you get your fiber, so things are regular, things move along.
The trains move on time with you.
One of many reasons to include fiber, not the only reason.
Okay.
You said something interesting to me.
Yeah.
You watched me when we were getting on the plane, I think maybe coming back from Austria.
And you said to me, this is true, everybody.
You walked up to me and you said, I watch you.
Do you remember this?
I'm surprised you remember it.
You said, I watch you.
I put my stuff in the overhead compartment.
Yes.
Click it shut.
I take my book out and my laptop. and my journal and put it down and then sit down.
And you came up to me and you said, I watch you.
I watch your, you said your motions and your movements.
And then you had a point.
What was the point?
The point was.
Well, there's even a larger point which I've never expressed to you, but- You said that I move with great- With grace and dignity.
He said this to me.
He walked up to me and literally people around me are-
Opening little bags of peanuts or asking for the and everyone.
People were listening to see this guy come up to me.
And you know, obviously I was I hate to say obviously, but kindly, HBO Max had flown me first class.
I believe you were down where the wheel well of the plane was and you climbed up through a hatch.
They wouldn't even let you in economy.
Sure.
But you've been just clinging to the wheel.
Well, because when they retract the wheel sometimes you fall out into the ocean.
But you've been rescued.
But anyway, you came up to me and you said, I watch you.
So you had been watching me and you thought that my movements were beautiful.
Yeah, I admire you.
I go through phases in my life where I get really into something and then it kind of passes.
And then maybe a few years later, it rushes like that.
Sometimes I'm listening to Rush all the time and I'm obsessed and I start watching a little bit.
And then a few years go by and I don't listen.
Same thing with my feelings about you.
Sometimes I'm indifferent and there'll be a year or two where I'm completely indifferent.
And then there are some times where I really feel a deep, intense admiration for you.
And I don't know if it's saying more about you in that moment or me in that moment, but this is one of those moments.
And I'm in the midst of it right now where I just admire you for so many reasons.
You've had.
Many career based successes, even in the past year, especially.
But through it all you've maintained this grace and dignity and approachability.
That is just astounding to see.
And I watch you when we get separated a bit.
I watch you interact with other people and it's just stunning to me.
And I'm proud to know you.
I find myself inspired and I feel like I can learn a lot, not from necessarily what you say, but just how you conduct yourself.
It's great to have someone like that in your life.
That's first of all, I do appreciate you saying that.
But I remember you specifically.
Yeah.
Honing in on the boring.
You want to get you want to get to something.
No, no, no, no, no.
First of all, I just exposed myself.
And you're like, OK, that's great.
Tell me what I want to know.
What I've took in what you said and I appreciate it.
But what I want to hone in on is it almost felt like you had watched me just you said humility.
Yes.
And that you would just watch me put my stuff in the overhead compartment.
And I thought that's it.
I just put some stuff in an overhead compartment.
And you were talking like you had seen Gandhi bathe the feet of a leper.
And I thought, I appreciate all of this.
I really do, Jordan.
And we've been together a long time and I appreciate you saying that.
And I do take it in.
But I thought it was...
I'm sitting down in this nice airplane seat and I just put my stuff in the overhead compartment and you talk to me as if Christ had just raised Lazarus.
Yeah.
And that felt, I have to say, a little out of place.
Okay.
I understand you think like that.
But what I'm saying is, yes, you put your your bag in the overhead compartment.
You sat, you had a window seat, had your glasses on and your hair was all messy and frazzled and you leaned your head against the window.
I think someone said something to you and you responded very politely.
And I and I remember just thinking like and I have thoughts.
I have deep thoughts in my head.
Anyone who says I have thoughts doesn't have.
Right.
So what I'm saying is Stein didn't go around saying I have deep thoughts.
Real thinkers don't tell people, I'm thinking.
Well, guess what?
I'm a thinker and I'm telling you that I'm a thinker, okay?
So there, I broke the mold.
But listen, what I'm saying is- Look at the eyes.
What I'm saying is- If you can see the video.
When you lose it, your eyebrows become those of a madman.
I found it.
I found it.
OK, maybe you have it backwards.
When I find it, my eyebrows react accordingly.
So I witnessed you and I admired you in that moment.
And I felt that I needed to tell you, even though I understand that to a normal human being.
Don't say normal human being and gesture to me.
These kinds of sentiments seem foreign.
Eduardo, am I a normal human being in any way?
No.
No.
There's never been anybody like me.
No, you're a guy.
Where's your grace and humility now?
You're a guy that would... You know how I know you're a normal human being?
Because you would do well in... Do you know what the Jennifer Hudson spirit tunnel is?
I don't know what's happening.
Do you know that Jennifer Hudson, she has a show.
And when the guests go to the show, the entire staff is like cheering and dancing as they walk through the hallway.
And they dance too.
And it shows what kind of person, what kind of brain you're dealing with, because some people flourish in those environments.
They're dancing and they're moving and they're so natural.
And then some people walk through completely awkwardly.
And that would be I would be the second.
But you would be the first.
You would like embrace.
I don't know that I'm ready for the Jennifer Hudson.
No, I don't think you would do well.
And some people it's it's a little cringeworthy to watch.
And look, so this is the get the guests have to walk through.
The guest to get to the studio and they put it on social media.
I've not been asked to be on Jennifer Hudson's show and I like Jennifer Hudson.
I admire her, but I don't think I could ever walk through a tunnel of people cheering me on.
It's a barometer for what kind of brains is this person have?
How comfortable are they in their own skin?
You are very comfortable in your own skin.
But I think I don't think I'd be comfortable in the Jennifer Hudson.
I think you'd be very comfortable.
Yeah, show me the, show me the, Eduardo, thank you.
It was Kevin Hart.
Here's Kevin Hart.
Okay, yeah, he'll be a good one.
Well, if anyone was built for the Jennifer Hudson spirit tunnel, it's Jennifer, it's Kevin Hart.
This is what y'all want.
I like it.
This is what y'all want.
I like it.
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Kevin Hart.
Hey.
We're gonna start.
Hey.
Hey.
Kevin Hart.
Oh, oh, I see.
Now, you can handle it however you want.
People do different things.
So you would do well.
You were probably already envisioning how you'd handle it, and I would do horribly.
This is the staff?
Yeah, this is the staff and they write a song that I think has significance to that particular person.
Hey, you know what's interesting?
How does she have any time to interview people?
This is incredible.
This is 45 minutes and it's still going.
Wow, that is incredible.
I saw Kevin Hart age during that.
He had a beard when it was over that he did not have at the beginning.
Yeah, I can handle that.
Yeah.
I can handle that.
Let's see what it looks like.
Conor O'Brien.
Yeah, see, that's it.
That's it.
Conor O'Brien.
That's it.
Conor O'Brien.
Conor O'Brien.
Yeah, I'd do that for a while.
Yeah, yeah.
And I'd do some pushups.
That's how I guess.
You take it to the next level.
You know what I would do?
I would not leave the spirit tunnel.
Right.
You see how long Kevin Hart did?
I would stay in for at least 20 minutes.
Yeah.
And they'd be out there.
If you don't leave, the staff has to keep going.
So they would go to a commercial break, come back.
And I'm still going.
And then they'd go to another commercial break.
Other guests would be on the runway.
They never, you know, there'd be people there to talk about real things.
They'd have like the secretary of the interior.
They'd have...
No, nobody gets on, because and they would keep coming back and trying to get my attention and say Conan, you've got to just stop now because you know Tina Fey is going to come.
Nope.
I'm just keep, I just keep going.
Right.
I just keep moving and grooving.
Right.
I would use the spirit tunnel and turn it into an eternal hell for the viewer.
An eternal hell.
Well jordan, i do take what you say seriously and uh, and i take it to heart, and you're a nice guy to say those nice things about me um and uh, you know, i think there's room for us to grow in our relationship and i hope you'll allow that growth to happen.
Yeah yeah, thank you, what a warm response.
Yeah i, i would like to grow with you as well.
Okay, Can I bring up something about Austria?
Yeah.
I understand that you were a huge fan of the water.
Oh, true story.
Oh, yes.
You requested certain waters.
Oh, yes.
Voslauer.
Voslauer.
So, you know, I'm a...
Some people drink water and they think all water is the same.
Okay, fools.
When I encounter water... Fools.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay, when I encounter water...
Every type of water is different.
Obviously, the biggest difference would be sparkling versus flat.
But even within that, what are the size of the bubbles?
You can taste differences in... 100%.
Mouthfeel, taste.
And I argue you can taste them too if I gave them to you side by side.
In a vacuum, maybe you can't tell the difference.
I have to say I might be a little bit of a dummy when it comes to water.
So you think.
I know...
Bad water meaning oh, this is water out of a tap and they put too much chlorine or the pipes are rusty.
You know, I know that, but I don't think I know one water from another water.
You know your waters?
Well, I know what waters I like.
So one of the most defining characteristics about water is how many total dissolved solids are in them expressed in parts per million, also known as TDS.
So you've got your average, maybe Avion has 150 parts per million TDS.
And that's very comfortable.
It doesn't leach your minerals, nor does it really enhance your body.
And then you have waters like Voss, the Norwegian water, which has great packaging and everything like that.
But it's got a very low TDS.
And then you've got a Gerolsteiner from Germany with a very high TDS content.
You drink a liter of this and you have like a quarter of your day's requirement of calcium.
So there's a water in Austria called Walslauer.
And unfortunately, it's not imported into the United States.
But whenever I go to Austria, to me, that's a huge draw to be able to order a Walslauer.
And you had Walslauer, too, because that's what people drink.
I don't know.
I had some water.
That's what I'm saying.
That's what it feels like to me.
I had water and I don't, I did not drop the glass and go, oh my God.
Yes, that's right.
What is this?
I didn't do that.
You know, I watch you drinking it and I think to myself.
Why are you always watching me?
All of your stories are you in a corner with your hands in your pants watching me.
Yeah, that's right.
What the hell are you doing?
You're watching me on the paparazzi.
But the rest is correct.
Yeah, I watch you drinking that Wurzlauer and I'm thinking, that jackass.
He doesn't even realize what he's drinking.
He's just shoveling it down.
You just saw a donkey at the trough, didn't you?
Yeah, that's exactly what I saw.
All right, well, let's do it.
Let's get this going.
We're going to do a little blind taste test.
I've got things to do and places to go.
Oh, I'm sorry if I was keeping you.
No, no, no, not at all, not at all.
All right.
Why don't you put this blindfold on and let's see if you can tell your Wurzlauer from your schrudenbeiden?
Would you like, yeah.
Oh my God, what a cookie.
You cackling chimp.
What are you doing to him?
Just put his.
I probably don't need the headphones because, again, we're in very close proximity.
Yeah, why do we need the headphones?
Oh, it doesn't matter.
Keep them on.
You're sure you can't see through that.
And it's a do the honor system.
Keep your eyes closed anyway.
And once you give that a little sip of room, there's a glass there.
Oh, there it is.
OK.
OK.
And once you give that a little sip.
Yeah, perfectly fine.
I put it at a TDS of around... You realize we don't know what TDS is.
You explained it.
I just explained it.
Yeah, total dissolved salt, expressed in parts per million, calcium, magnesium, phosphoric acid.
Yeah.
Yeah, I put that at like a 234 TDS, parts per million.
Fine.
Perfectly fine water.
I'd be happy to drink that.
Wapner.
Can you identify the water?
Try and identify it.
I can't identify it.
It just tastes like water to you, right?
It's somewhere.
I'd express what it tastes like.
I can't.
It's fine.
You said it's fine.
Yeah, it's fine.
Well, that was your favorite water.
That was your favorite water.
No, no.
Take off your blindfold.
Okay.
That was the much vaunted Walslauer.
Yeah, but that's the Ona.
I wanted the Prickland.
That's a prickland.
You got the owner variety.
I don't I don't understand what you're talking about.
What's the difference?
You fools.
You bungled the operation.
I like the prickland.
I like the prickland.
You thought you were so clever.
You thought you were so clever.
You had half information and you didn't and you didn't get the right one.
The prickland.
So this is the prickland.
No, that's the owner.
What's the difference between the owner and the prickland?
The prickland is the sparkling and the ona is the flat.
So you wanted... I wanted the sparkling.
I wanted the prickland.
You know what?
You're an asshole.
Yeah.
You're just a terrible person.
Right.
This... I didn't ask for this.
I didn't ask for this.
But if you're going to do it, do it right.
I didn't do any of this.
I didn't set any of this up.
Don't do it at all or do it right.
It's Frank who set this up.
Don't half-ass it.
But for you to say, you fools...
You fool.
You're part of the operation.
You're the figurehead of this operation.
Everything goes through you.
We got this from Austria, which shipped in.
Yeah, but you're trying to ridicule me for not detecting that this is my favorite water, whereas you should have got the prickling.
Hey, down, down, down, Rex, down.
What's fascinating to me is that the term, you fools, you fools, you fools, you've bungled it.
That is reserved for the D-Day invasion.
That is reserved for Operation Desert Storm going wrong.
That is reserved for a major operation, for the 1066 invasion of England by the Normans.
That's what that's reserved for.
You fools, you fools, you've bungled it.
Not... getting you the incorrect type of Voslauer water.
That's not where you say, you fools, you fools.
Do you understand?
This is my 1066 invasion of England, okay?
You went on and on about Voslauer.
Yeah.
We gave you a blind taste test.
You shrugged and said, it's fine.
Yeah.
And this is after you had described it as the water that Christ walked upon.
So you understand that now I'm a little.
Yes, it may not be the exact subset of the types of water that you like, but I'm a little suspicious that water means that much to you and that you can tell the difference.
Okay.
So I guess I'm the fool now.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're the chimp.
Yeah.
You're the chump.
Yeah.
You're the orang.
You see things superficially.
To you, all water is the same.
But I'm the fool because I understand the chemical composition of water and how it affects the overall experience.
You just had Voslauer and shrugged.
Okay.
Acted like you just drank it out of a Chicago YMCA.
Sure.
Okay.
Sure.
And so I don't understand why you're supposed to be the superior one here.
Yeah.
I apologize.
Yeah.
If you're trying to make me look like a fool, I think you failed.
I don't think I made you look like anything.
OK.
I showed you as who you really are.
Right.
I showed you who you be and what you be.
I'm impressed that you found the Voslauer, though.
Oh, now you're in the United States.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm impressed at the mechanics of the operation.
If the sentiment, the operation failed, at least the mechanics were there.
It was well executed, poorly conceived, well executed.
Look at his eyes.
Look at his eyes.
You have the eyes of a madman.
You know that, don't you?
The eyes of a predator.
These are my eyes.
These are the eyes.
Why is it okay to poke fun at somebody's physical appearance?
These are my eyes.
It's true that the eyes are not often lumped in with the common slights that people are sensitive about physically.
Usually it's things like weight.
I'm not saying they're not... Hide in some cases.
I'm not saying you're unattractive or anything like that.
But eyes is usually... You think that's safe territory?
You think it's okay to poke fun at someone physically as long as it's just the eyes?
Your eyebrows get unnaturally high and your eyes... Why is that?
Do you see it?
Do you guys see it?
Why is this not inappropriate?
Edward, let's be fair.
You talked about his ass earlier.
Yeah, but I enjoyed your ass.
I wasn't criticizing your ass.
I didn't say your ass was aesthetically displeasing.
You zeroed in on my ass?
I'm not allowed to talk about your eyes?
You could talk about my eyes complimentary.
You're insulting my eyes.
I'm not insulting them.
Why are eyes exempt from the normal rules of physical courtesy?
Okay, I'm so upset now.
I need a glass of this Wurzlauer to calm down.
I don't know that this is valuable to anybody.
I don't know if anyone's still listening at this point.
If people are listening in a rental car, they probably veered it sharply to the right and hit an oak tree.
They've gone to a better place.
I just want to say that once again, this was the Conan and Jordan show.
And we did our best to bring you my relationship with Jordan Schlansky.
It's a strange one.
I can't quantify it.
I can't qualify it.
Those are two Qs.
And shout out to Questlove.
But we're taking off now, and Jordan, happy journeys to you.
Thank you.
In all you do here.
And to you.
Have a drink.
That out of L.A. from Italy, naturally carbonated.
Go ahead, have a sip.
Sure, it doesn't have the bubble size of a Gerolsteiner, but excellent.
Have a sip.
Delegate.
Elegant.
If you could sip, you can't talk.
I don't know.
The Conan and Jordan Show with Conan O'Brien and Jordan Schlansky is produced by me, Frank Smiley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Jim McClure.
Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez.
Our supervising producer is Andrew Gruce.
Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.
The theme song is Tom Sawyer by Rush.
You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode.
Got a question for Conan and Jordan?
Call the Team Coco hotline 669-587-2847 and leave a message.
It too can be featured on a future episode.
And if you haven't already, please subscribe to.
Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
And be sure to subscribe and tune into Conan O'Brien Radio, channel 104 on SiriusXM.
