Stupid showing up at movies.
The whole surprise max of year.
Sorry, we're closed.
You ran out of there so fast, you trampled that strange exotic bird.
That was Tilda Swinton, and I apologize.
How did you know I was here?
I followed you.
You could have just poked me on Facebook.
I'd rather poke you in person.
So, gonna give me a drink?
Are you gonna give me a reason you're here?
Are you gonna give me a reason you're so beautiful?
Are you gonna give me a reason... Okay, fine, I'll give you a drink.
I just got over you.
What do you want from me?
I want to be with you.
Oh, please.
You think you can just come in here in your suit and be like, I want to be with you, Max.
You say you love me, you say you can't live without me, and then you go and live without me.
You, sir, are unreliable.
Max, I miss you.
Every time I see Cheeto dust or a girl wearing flip-flops in an expensive restaurant, I tear up.
Oh, really?
I thought you said long-distance relationships didn't work.
Not gonna be long-distance anymore.
What about your firm in LA?
We just opened offices in New York.
Where are they?
Two blocks from my new apartment I just got.
Where's your dog?
Doesn't he have season tickets to the Lakers?
He and Jack Nicholson got in a fight.
What about all that stuff you said about us being in different places in our lives?
I want to be in your place.
What about that thing you said about the way I eat noodles?
I'm working on that.
Max, I've been crazy about you since the moment I met you.
I don't want to live without you.
Oh, really?
Really.
Prove it.
Max George Black, I love you.
Will you marry me?
Wait, what?
Max, where did you go?
You missed everything.
And as hard as I tried, they wouldn't give me a second swag bag.
And I will not share the Kate Hudson yoga pants.
You can have them, because I have this!
You stole an engagement ring?
Can I come out now?
It smells in there.
Oh, my God.
Randy, are you upset that Max is engaged?
Oh, wait!
Now I know why you wanted to tell her without me.
Back to the smelly room.
Oh!
Oh, my God!
This night that was totally about me is totally about you, and I'm not even jealous!
What's the holdup back there?
People are placing bets that I'm halfway to Reno with the hooker and the wedding cash.
Relax.
After that subway, Max and Caroline needed some time to freshen up.
They came smelling like that diner cheese I tell you all is still good.
Hey, everybody!
We look just like Sophie.
I am so relieved.
I thought I'd be way overdressed, but I'm just underboobed.
Yeah, we were in a hurry or I would have loaned her a cup of mine.
All right.
Well, like, stop looking at us like that.
It's okay.
I'm marrying you.
You guys look like the four tops.
Well, two tops and a bottom.
Ole, Sophie doesn't want you to see her.
Jump on Chestnut and start down the aisle.
And Chestnut, I'm sorry, baby.
I know you never wanted to do drag.
And Han, you're supposed to take this in case something happens in the aisle.
This just went from best man to worst job.
What do you think, girls?
Do I look like a virgin?
Listen, I heard the tuba.
Yeah, that's my cue.
Go, girls, go.
Oh, God!
Her dress almost killed us and now it killed Earl!
Thanks.
I thought I was a goner.
Time for the vows.
Bring the crowns.
And crown this marriage with honor.
Oh, raise the crowns to the heads.
Better go.
This is as good as it's gonna get without a ladder.
I, Sophie Kuchinsky, take you, Oleg Golichevsky, to love and to cherish, to have and to hold, never to leave your side till death comes to take me.
Hi, Oleg Olishevsky.
Thank you, Sophie Gluchinsky.
To love and to cherish, to have and to hold, never to leave your side till death comes to take me.
I pronounce you husband and wife!
Max, now you throw the coins.
Long story.
How come they only give you one of these?
Okay, Max, maybe don't say anything else or they'll take your diploma back.
Okay, graduates, it's time.
Everyone line up alphabetically and let's make our way.
Oh, and congratulations.
You did it.
Max, you look so smart in that robe.
Not that smart.
I just found out you're supposed to wear clothes under this thing.
Max, I never asked you.
You were so close to getting your diploma.
Why didn't you take that test?
I was going to, but my mother kept me out of school that day to go to the mall.
On finals day?
Was there at least a special appearance by Raven-Symoné?
No one good ever came here.
Just like my mother didn't come here today.
There's still time.
Maybe she'll come.
Maybe.
I mean, my dad was late to my graduation because his helicopter needed to refuel.
Yeah, that's probably what happened to my mom.
But her helicopter's probably passed out on top of her.
I have never been more confident, because as I stand here and look out at all of you today.
I was my class valedictorian.
I realize nobody can stop us.
Yeah, I thought that too.
We are the future.
Sure we are, until you have to pee on a bus in 10 years.
Thank you, Amy.
It's hard to imagine not hearing that voice every day for the next four years.
Thank you.
Hi, Mrs. Miss Max's mom.
This is Caroline Channing, your daughter Max's best friend and roommate and business partner.
I didn't want to leave this on a voicemail, but...
I cannot believe you didn't show up to your own daughter's graduation when you are the sole reason she didn't graduate in the first place.
I mean, who takes their daughter to the mall on finals day?
What kind of mother are you?
And all the times I've defended you to Max, not to make it about me, but it was a lot saying she's not that bad, she's not that bad.
Well, I guess you are that bad.
Max is right.
You are a monster.
If you're on your way, we're in the second row.
I have blonde hair.
Christina Bears.
Salazar Belmonte.
That's my boy!
Max Black.
Max Black.
So what, you called them all?
Yeah.
You know, just in case.
Max, you were right and I was wrong.
Your mother's really as bad as you said.
That's not that bad.
What do you mean?
She took you to the mall on finals day.
Yeah, but it was the greatest day we ever had.
We got ice cream.
We ate it in the massage chairs at Brookstone.
And then a kid fell in the fountain and we died laughing.
Well, I guess you can graduate high school any day, but you can only watch a kid almost drown in a fountain once.
It is okay that she wasn't there today, because you were.
And none of this would have been possible if you hadn't pushed me.
And that kid wouldn't have almost drowned if I hadn't pushed him.
A little different.
Bottom line, you had faith in me like Thomas Jefferson had faith in Lewis and Clark.
Oh, no.
Now you're both nerds.
As he said, my name is Caroline Channing.
That used to mean something special.
And I have learned through the past few years that it still does.
My father was Martin Channing, the most hated man in New York City except for any Time Warner cable guy.
You know what?
I don't need to look at this.
I know what happened.
I'll never forget it.
You don't forget the day that you lose yourself.
Oh, boy.
It's off script.
She's gone, Rogue.
Where's that waitress?
Double his double!
As my driver drove down Fifth Avenue and up to my townhouse, I saw there was a police car parked out front.
And at first, I thought, am I being arrested?
Lipsyncing to Ludacris at a stoplight.
But it was my father being arrested.
I saw my father in handcuffs.
There, in that instant, I went from princess to pariah.
Well, she threw away a perfectly good pariah Carrie joke.
Shh.
Just looking out for my girl here.
My perfect world was shattered.
I saw the man who I trusted, who I believed in more than anyone, who read me bedtime stories, who taught me how to tie my shoes with bunny ears.
I saw my father in handcuffs.
He stole my trust. my belief in people, my innocence.
She doesn't say virginity.
I'm leaving.
He stole who I thought I was and left me to find who I really am.
Thank you.
Nothing?
We got a sneaker out the back door.
You are so sad and triumphant and so cool.
Here comes the Wonder Woman.
Caroline, I know you said you never would, but you touched me.
That really tugged at my heart string.
All cables or wires or whatever's in here keeping me alive.
Caroline.
Oh, you know what you and I both need?
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
It's nice, isn't it?
Caroline, that was great.
I'm so glad I inspired you with my awesome story.
You're still here?
I'm sorry I didn't do your jokes, Max.
You know what?
You didn't need them.
I think people sometimes like to be sad.
That's why there's Adele.
I think I finally got closure.
It's gone, Max.
Love you.
Love your story.
Thanks.
I'm Nina Spiegel.
I found the whole thing riveting.
The ups, the downs, the way downs.
Your story had it all.
She's not joining her threesome.
Sorry, that's usually what women want when they compliment me.
Look, I'd like to talk about taking this to my studio.
You have your own studio apartment?
Let the wooing continue.
No, it's a film studio.
Warner Brothers.
The Tasmanian Devil Warner Brothers?
I think we can turn your story into a movie.
Really?
The Caroline Channing story deserves to live on the big screen for one to two weeks.
Then on demand for eternity.
Oh, my God!
Max, isn't this exciting?
I know!
They have Speedy Gonzalez, too!
I just got a $20 tip on a $10 check.
I may be the greatest waitress ever, and strangely, that doesn't make me want to die.
You're finally getting the hang of a job you've had for years.
Is your last name Obama?
Another big tip!
I think it's my smile.
Well, something's smiling.
Pick up panty melt.
Panty melt.
Caroline, you have... What, Max?
Pride in a job well done?
Yes, some of us can still feel pride.
Yeah, but only for about another ten seconds.
Caroline!
Ooh!
Oh.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
This reminds me of when I saw my mother's side boob.
You have to say something.
Um, Caroline?
Hey, look, I just got a $10 tip from this guy and I spilled coffee on his face.
Screw it, I'm taking the ass train to money town.
Oh, nope, not wearing underwear.
I guess I'll take a look under the hood.
Oleg, you know how I love to have a snack when I get my exam.
I'll go to the gift shop and grab you some chocolate heavy trail mix and some Chubba Bubba.
And Oleg, turn the bag upside down.
Oh, he knows.
Well, if I were a gambling man, I'd say it'll be at least five hours.
And that's how I lost my house.
Me?
Yes.
I need something to cut the umbilical cord.
Wait, wait, wait.
You're in luck.
Sophie!
You did great!
You're a mother!
Also, Gesundheit.
Oh, the baby's beautiful.
Oh, my God.
I had the baby.
And Oleg missed it.
He had his heart set on seeing the baby being born.
And he missed it.
He's never going to forgive himself.
It's never, never, never, never, never, never.
Sophie, calm down.
Maybe Oleg didn't miss it.
It worries me how little you know about science stuff.
We'll fake the birth.
You're asking me to help you fake a birth?
You'll be fine.
You faked an orgasm.
Well, that's true.
We have to make Oleg pass out long enough to bring the baby in and make him think he just missed a second of the actual birth.
Sophie, act like you're in labor.
Just yell and tell Oleg you wish you'd never met him.
It should be easy.
He's coming.
Places!
Sorry it took so long, but the lady in front of me paid for her juju bees with a third-party check.
Oh, I'm in pain.
Oh, I'm about to have a baby for the first time.
Okay, I'm ready.
I popped a Pepto, and what I'm now realizing was a laxative.
All right.
You stay out of the splash zone.
It's go time.
Oh, there's some seriously birthy stuff going on down here.
Should we get a doctor?
Even a girl one?
There's no time because of all the oozing gunk.
Push, Sophie, push.
You dusted me with your gorgeous penis.
We're both sorry.
Max, anything else disgusting going on down there?
Oh, yeah, we got a real sick situation here.
Oh, man, there's a lot of placenta goo.
I haven't been this woozy since I was at a super target.
I'm not going down.
I'm not going down.
The wet, sludgy baby is fighting through the slime!
Oh, girls, quick!
He's down!
Get the baby!
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
All right.
All right.
Now, to wake him up, yell immigration or tickle him.
Immigration!
Look what that is.
Look, Oleg.
The baby is here.
And it's a girl.
She has a bajoonie just like her mama.
Oh, she's beautiful, just like her mama.
Yeah.
Do you want to hold her?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's your daddy.
Let her get settled in the world before you start giving her bad news.
Hello, baby.
Barbara.
Barbara Kaczynski-Golaczewski.
Oh, that sounds real musical, doesn't it?
Depends what kind of music you listen to.
Aw, she's so cute.
Barbara's a definite?
Yeah.
I'm your godmother.
One day I'm going to teach you how to lie to these two.
And also this one.
Hey, Max.
It's chilly outside.
Nipples everywhere.
Have a seat.
I'll be right over.
Oh, that's OK.
I texted my order in on the way.
Hey, baby.
I got your text.
Did you get my erotic haiku?
I did.
Did you get the picture I sent of me and the Dustbuster?
No, I didn't.
Oh, no.
Grandpa, you're gay.
Look, Earl framed our blurb.
He did?
That is so sweet.
What?
I always saw it as bigger on the wall in our shop.
Look, the shop is an amazing idea, and if it's not that space right now, it'll be another.
I mean, there have to be mass murders all over Brooklyn, right?
If we're lucky.
And even if it didn't work out, it's still the closest I've ever come to something great, and that's cool.
And someday we'll find someone crazy enough to lend us money.
I say that because if you can convince me to believe a dream, you can get anyone.
Pick up.
Here you go, Sophie.
That's $11.25.
Oh, you took a check, right?
This is for $20,000.
Oh, is it?
I thought it was for 20.
Oh, well, keep it.
Maybe you could use it for your dream or to get your legs waxed or something.
Sophie, are you serious?
Yes.
Sophie, this is really, really amazing.
Oh, come on.
I don't need a parade.
Just keep the cupcakes coming.
Max, do you know what this means?
We are going to be a Williamsburg must-have.
We're getting our dream.
I feel like you want a hug.
I do.
Cindy offered to pay our rent, but I said no.
That is the whitest thing I've ever heard.
It was really sweet of him, but I didn't want to take money from a man I'm sleeping with.
Wait, are you telling me there are women who don't take money from men they're sleeping with?
What's gonna happen, Max?
I don't know.
But we do have Christmas decorations, so let's put them up.
Wait a minute, you're the one pushing Christmas?
Who are you, me?
No, I still have my dignity.
Speaking of Christmas, here are the two and a half wise men.
What's up?
Caroline called me last night.
Told me that you two couldn't pay your rent, that you were losing the shot.
That girl can talk.
She called me too and said you didn't have your rent.
And also that for sure the rising waters of the ocean will swallow us and kill us all.
So we put together what we had, and here.
Consider it an early Christmas gift from all three of us.
Even though I gave 350, Earl gave 100, and he gave 50.
Thank you, but we can't take it.
Yes, you can.
We're family.
500 whole dollars?
Thank you, guys.
And we have something special for you.
What makes it special?
The love she put into Matt.
You can smell the love all around, huh?
Look, I know you're upset about your toys, Max, but come on.
It's kind of fun.
There's only one kind of wet that I've been at 3 in the morning that I would call fun.
This is not it.
Oh, look.
Under the newspaper, there's some sort of stained glass window there.
Oh, pretty.
Oh, you're finally getting the money you wanted and you're so chipper.
I'm chipper, to use your word, because we're working to earn money to move our business brand forward.
Stop saying brand.
And this seminar better be worth it.
Why are you saying it like that?
Seminar with quotes around it.
Like it's a silly idea or something.
I didn't say seminar with quotes around it.
You did.
You said... Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
I was trying to illustrate that you put quotes around it.
I am too tired to put quotes around things.
But if I were gonna put quotes on a word, that word would be seminar.
Oh, and branding.
And I would put big, giant, dumbass quotes around branding seminar.
Max, you did that on purpose!
Maybe it was just an accident!
Whoa, stop!
You're spraying the light cord!
Hello?
Water and electricity?
Not the best combo!
Like some other not great combos I can think of.
Us?
You mean us?
What, now we're not a great combo?
Oh, wow.
Sorry I suggested we go to a, quote, seminar, unquote.
Sorry I'm trying to move us forward.
Sorry that you think you know how to do everything.
Sorry that you resent the fact that I know how to do business.
Sorry that you think you know how to do business, and maybe that's why our first business failed.
Sorry that you took two weed breaks every single day instead of making work calls, and maybe that's why our business failed.
Sorry that I didn't take more weed breaks, because I really could have used them working with a know-it-all like you.
And sorry... It's my turn!
No, sorry that you also had to stick your nose into Oleg and Sophie's business so that he cheated and she got mad and then, by an almost irrefutable line of direct action, you killed my toys.
Sorry that it doesn't matter how many things I ever did right, because poor itty bitty baby Max's Happy Meal toys got all broke.
Don't touch me, Max.
Such a fan of branding!
Just do it!
Have it your way!
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!
Drop milk?
Drop the other stupid business ideas?
Stop!
Stop it!
Stop it!
I'm done!
No, I'm done!
No, we're both done!
Fine, we're both done.
Done!
Done!
No, I'm really done, Max.
I'm tired of trying to make things happen.
I'm tired of pushing us into cupcake shops.
And I'm tired of you pushing us into cupcake shops too.
Shops that we couldn't afford in the first place.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, Max!
Max, are you all right?
CPR, what is it?
Do you pinch the nose and breathe into the mouth?
Wait, wait, I think you're supposed to pump the chest first.
Well, I'll never get through those.
Max, I'm about to put my mouth on yours, so if you're kidding, you better wake up right now.
Max, please don't die.
Please don't die.
You're my best friend.
Sit up.
Sit up.
Sit up.
Are you all right?
What happened?
You grabbed that wire and I think you got a little electrocuted.
I always knew I'd be electrocuted.
I just thought it'd be in the chair.
I'm too hot, I'm too hot in here.
Come here, the window, come on.
Come on, come on, over here.
Here, kneel.
Open!
Damn, there are shutters.
Here, hold on to the wall while I get this.
Are you okay?
Take a deep breath in.
Breathe in.
Max, that was so scary.
For a second, I thought you died.
Maybe I did, because I kind of remember a place with flames.
And you were making out with me.
Our drinks are right there.
I can see them over yonder on ye old bar.
It's been an hour.
Where is our waitress, Lizzie Borden?
I'm probably in the back deciding which words to pronounce weirdly.
I'm starving.
Bust out those chicken cutlets.
No wonder they don't have any bad Yelp reviews.
No one's ever tasted their food.
Hi.
Um, our drinks.
And did you ask the chef about the soup?
You know, I haven't had a minute.
She hasn't had a minute?
What's she been doing, dancing with wolves?
I mean, have you ever?
I know, can you even?
Barman and I have been here forever and have yet to see our dandelion chickpea foie gras.
He's hypoglycemic and I'm Lila.
And I'm pissed.
I'm getting our drinks.
Would you get us some wine?
Oh, sure.
What kind?
A Chardonnay for me, and Byron will have a Sauvignon Blanc.
Max, no.
They'll kick us out and... And what?
What, Caroline?
You won't be here when he arrives?
Dear Lord, the man is not coming.
I know that, Max, and he's not coming because he died.
He died.
That's the only reason I can accept.
What's up?
How are we all doing tonight?
Not so good.
My girlfriend just broke up with me.
Oh, yeah?
You like blondes?
Because I got one who's ready to pop.
No, man, I'm into Asian chicks.
Yeah, who isn't?
Except for Asian guys.
Hey, do me a favor.
Just wait a minute, and then come over to my table and flirt with my friend.
Why would I do that?
On the house.
Is that the dandelion chickpea and other things that don't belong in a dish together thing?
All right, your dandelion chickpea, a chardonnay, and a Sauvignon Blanc.
Enjoy.
What do you think you're doing?
Waiting on tables.
Look into it.
York, York, don't be mad.
Byron was starving and we're thirsty.
Don't kick us out.
We're too weak to go anywhere else.
The soup has garlic.
Oh, then no.
The salmon, please.
Bring her the damn soup.
She ain't kissing nobody tonight.
And I'll have the free-range chicken that thought it had a chance.
For your help.
Byron wants you to have it.
Well, Byron is the only real old-fashioned thing in here.
I hope you both survive the winter.
Hey, can I join you?
Ooh, I think that can I join you was to you.
Oh, sure, have a seat.
You're pretty.
You have a good body.
Wow, thank you.
That's actually kind of nice to hear because this is hard to believe.
But I got stood up tonight and it kind of makes me feel good when you say I'm pretty and I have a good body.
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm on Tinder.
It's the straight grinder.
I just got a hit.
Well, I'm out.
Thanks for the drink.
You paid a guy to say I'm pretty, and then he blew me off?
Oh, my God, I just realized something upsetting.
What, that we could be enjoying delicious hot dogs on sticks right now?
No, I'm a B. No, you're an A. That bra just makes you look like a B.
No, I mean me as a woman.
I'm a B.
You know, all this time I kind of thought I was an A, but maybe I'm just a B.
That's why he walked away and why the surfer stood me up.
Caroline, I really want to be here for you right now, but I got to get a gin fizz to the prospector in the corner.
Max, am I a B?
Why didn't he come?
All I know about that surfer is that he is a D followed by three other letters.
I'd spell it out for you, but I'm literally afraid I'd get it wrong.
Interesting that you didn't say I wasn't a bee.
Look, I don't give myself letters in life.
To me, it is clearly a pass-fail situation.
And you're sitting up, not drooling on yourself, so pass.
Hey, Sophie, you remember Lester.
Lester, you remember when they discovered fire.
Please, please join me.
May I buy you an egg cream?
Oh, I do love an egg cream.
Excuse me, I gotta get a part of my nose.
Girls?
Girls, I know you want your apartment back, and I'm a reasonable man.
So all I want before I go is a little you-know-what.
More Jell-O?
I'm talking about sex.
Rebound sex.
Rebound sex?
Are you sure you'll even be able to rebound from having sex?
You kidding?
There's nothing but sex at that retirement home.
Why do you think I put myself there?
It's wall-to-wall whoopee, and you don't even have to drive home after.
I have in mind a certain elegant lady.
You're out of DP!
Set me up for one night with your friend, and I will gladly leave the apartment.
I'll be in your booth.
Hey, Sophie, you'll get with that old guy, right?
Are you freaking kidding me?
Lester, she didn't go for it.
I'm not going back to that retirement home with my tail between my legs.
I gotta sleep with someone to make Olivia jealous.
There's a new thing the kids are doing called lying.
Why don't you just make something up? pics or it didn't happen.
I need a selfie with whoever I hook up with for my Facebook page.
And if it's not going to be Sophie, I guess it's going to be one of you two up at bat.
Slugger.
Slugger.
Max, I can't do this.
One of us will just have to take that apartment in Earl's building and you will find another place.
But then we'd have to live apart.
I know, but I don't see another choice.
I'm not ready to live without you.
I'm not ready to live without you.
What?
I saw the pump packer things.
Max, I can't believe you were almost willing to do that to live with me.
You know what?
I'm going in.
Because the thought of not seeing you 24 hours a day, seven days a week would kill me.
We'll meet every Saturday morning for coffee.
Less and less over time, of course.
That was a good start.
What else you got?
Nothing!
I'm really liking this whole back door thing.
Wow, that's the first time I've ever said that.
Don't get used to it, Sophie.
You never do.
No, I mean, we're gonna have to leave this place.
We couldn't do it with Lester.
I know.
That's why I'm here. to do this for us.
If you two didn't live in this building, then we'd drift apart and we'd only see each other on Saturdays for coffee.
Well, I'd probably only go once.
Look, just give me 90 seconds.
I mean, he's got a pump.
How hard could it be?
She's amazing.
We should probably get her something for this.
What would be appropriate?
That good candle under the sink?
We've only used it once.
That seems right.
I don't know what that was, but I'm not up to it.
I don't think my heart could take it.
Afraid sex with Sophie would kill you?
Yeah, that's why I haven't gone there.
You know, I was all excited about all the other fish in the sea.
That was a great white shark.
Hey, come on.
I just stretched.
I'm ready.
Look, could we get a quick pic?
I might have gone there too if I knew he had an iPhone 5S.
Try to be as sexy as possible.
Okay, yeah.
When Olivia sees that, she's going to say, Morty who?
Girls, enjoy your apartment.
I had some lovely times here.
Thank you so much, Lester.
Bye, Grandpa.
Maybe sometime we can come visit you in the home.
Email me.
We'll talk.
That still in play at his age?
And thanks for the blue balls, Lester.
Nighty-night, girls.
Last time I looked like this, I was coming out of an acid trip and my friend Daniel was missing.
I gotta admit, getting shot felt kind of gangsta waitress.
I'm like notorious BLT.
So here's the deal.
We'll pay you for the day yesterday, but not for today or for the featured extra.
Say what?
Not so fast, my brother.
Here is the latest tally for my diner damage.
What's this last $1,000 charge?
That is for the damage done to Max and Caroline.
According to Cruz Scuttlebutt, the director tried some funny business last night.
This is not cool, dude.
It is most decidedly not cool, pal.
So maybe there is someone in a union I can talk to about this particular damage?
Not to mention the child labor laws you violated by working with Han.
Don't talk to anyone.
I'll get them paid.
It sucks.
I knew we should have shot at a Denny's.
Hon, that is the sweetest, coolest thing you just did for us.
It is.
And Caroline is totally going to put out for you tonight.
That's kind of her thing now.
Well, I don't want anyone to take advantage of you two.
You're my girls.
And tonight, on a very special episode of Funk and Skank, the cute tiny Asian guy turns out to be the girl's pimp.
And the copstitudes are able to buy new horseshoes.
Don't look so smug, Chestnut.
You don't know how to ride a bike either.
Come on, Max.
Just out here in the alley.
Oh, hell no.
What?
She's been back here too.
Who?
Guinea Queer.
There's so much yarn bombing, it's like Craftganistan.
Max, let it go.
Stay focused.
Get on the bike.
No.
I don't want to eat apples out of the side of my face.
Come on, let me teach you.
Yep.
Want a tootsie?
You know I do.
I mean, you taught me how to be poor.
You're getting really good at it.
Come on, you know what they say about riding a bike?
It's like riding a bike.
See?
It's fun.
See?
Wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee.
You got a real pretty mouth, Caroline.
Can't wait to see it on the side of your face.
At least just get on the bike.
You don't even have to go anywhere yet.
Nope.
Want a tootsie?
You know I do.
Go.
What is this bar doing here?
I have no use for a bar that can't get me drunk.
Okay, walk the bike over there and lean against the car to get your balance.
Just check and make sure there's no one around.
Why do you care?
The only people out here this late would be rapists, murderers, and freaks.
You know, your peeps.
What the... Hey, girls.
What are you doing in that car alone?
Oh, a dark alley at 3 AM?
Has money gotten that tight?
Yes, but that's not why we're out here.
I'm teaching Max how to ride a bike, and it's pretty hard.
Yeah, I wish I had that problem.
I'm dancing with a rope in here.
We're trying some exotic new locales for our lovemaking.
It's exotic because this isn't even our car.
All right.
We better hurry before that rabbi comes back.
Maybe try barking at it again.
There was some movement earlier.
Ah!
Ah!
Teach me how to ride this thing.
I gotta get away from Temple Groth Shalom as fast as possible.
Okay, I'm gonna get behind you and hold onto your seat.
Not without three Long Island iced teas and one your butt looks good in those jeans.
Tetsy?
Yeah?
Max, don't look.
Yarn bombing?
Hey, Max.
Han.
I'm just riding my bike to the bike store to buy more bikes.
Is that Han or Lance Armstrong's runaway testicle?
Sorry, couldn't hear you.
I was too busy knowing how to ride a bike.
Damn it, now we gotta do this!
Do you know how quickly society will crumble around us if Han starts feeling like he can freely tease me?
Let's go.
You sure?
Yep.
Making fun of Han is one of my two free sources of entertainment.
The other one is located right above this bar.
Keep my hand on the seat and then when you're ready, tell me and I'll let you go.
OK, but don't let go until I say so.
OK, let go.
I already did.
I'm riding a bike?
Max, look out!
Pothole!
There goes my other free source of entertainment.
Tootsie?
Yes, obviously!
People 10, pick up Max.
Yeah, be right there.
Like, you know, in a month.
Uh, Max, how you doing?
I heard about your badge accident.
Look, if you need to see a doctor, my cousin in Florida is a good one.
But then again, the bumpy bus ride might kill you.
No, no.
It'll be fine, Earl.
I'm icing it.
I just have to keep it cold.
We're out of ginger ale.
I think you mean the ginger ale is out of you.
Max, let me get that for you.
I feel like it was kind of my fault.
Kind of?
Was Lincoln's death kind of John Wilkes Booth's fault?
Speak up, Caroline.
How'd it go with Sophie?
Were you able to do the thing you know the man does, while the woman makes shopping lists in her head?
Shh, come on.
I don't want anyone to know I can't get it up.
Ole can't get it up?
OMG, Ole can't get it up.
Best week ever.
Hey, everybody.
What's up?
That's your boyfriend.
If anyone needs me, I'll be outside riding my bike.
With an erection!
Come on, little house on the carry!
Fred!
Run like Caroline after sundown in an ethnic neighborhood!
The hoof!
The hoof!
The hoof is on fire!
He's winning.
He's winning.
He's winning.
Oh, no.
What's happening?
He's falling behind.
Oh, Lord, oh, my sweet, sweet Lord.
He's losing.
He's losing.
He's losing.
Han, what is happening?
Well, maybe I'll take off.
Your friend said it was a sure thing.
There is no sure thing except another Taylor Swift breakup song.
The little house of Gary falls to pieces as falls to pieces wins.
So what do we win if our horse finishes last and wanders around the track with a giant erection?
All that and we lost?
Thanks for lunch.
Hon, you're so small, your house is a Tic Tac box.
You're so small, you ride in your car cup holder.
You're so small, your parents are a ladybug in a teeter tot.
I could see that, actually.
I don't need it.
You see, Caroline, this is why I quit gambling.
This and the escalator was always broken.
Let's just calm down.
This is the turf club, not Goodfellas, though that was based on real life events and took place not that far from here.
Right, and maybe he won't be so hard on us.
Nicky is Sophie's boyfriend.
Well, I just broke up with Nicky.
Why?
I just saw him beat the crap out of some guy that owed him money.
Oh, no.
Here he comes.
There you are, dolls.
My leg is next.
Tough break.
I'm gonna take my three grand and go.
Peeta just broke up with me, so I'm gonna go home and get in bed with my dog and my wife.
I have to come clean.
We don't have your money.
I got out of control.
Doll, relax.
I'm a reasonable man.
We can work out something.
Oh, good.
Hope he shoots me first.
I'd rather be dead than hear you beg.
Still got that thoroughbred?
I'll come by tomorrow to get it.
You can't take my horse.
What am I gonna do?
You could always move to New York and change your name to Max.
Wait, I already did that.
What is wrong with me?
I should have known better.
My father has problems with money.
It's in my DNA.
And now, all because of a stupid bet, I'm gonna lose Chestnut.
If it makes you feel any better, my mom once lost me in a bet.
Still can't believe she thought Robert Redford was in Tootsie.
We can't lose Chestnut.
Damn it, damn it, damn it.
People, make me come out of retirement just to save your gambling asses.
Now, all I need is $100.
Hey, Caroline, how fast can you have a baby?
Hey.
Hi, Leon.
Remember us, the ones who tipped you $100?
Oh, of course.
It's hard to find that kind of generosity in this place.
It gives you hope again.
Yeah, we're gonna need that back.
Well, actually, I need all my money.
I support my mother.
Yeah, maybe not today.
Max, I can't believe it.
I screwed me and the horse I rode in on.
Why don't you film that and get your money back?
Carolyn, look.
Earl, you did it.
You saved Chestnut.
Yeah, well, we brown stars have to stick together.
And I'll take that.
And since I don't trust myself, I'm donating this $200 to my favorite charity.
So here.
Now, no more betting, because the only sure thing in life is death.
Have a nice day.
One for you and one for me.
200.
We're back to our free money.
And this time it's going right in the savings account.
Well, it's not earning much interest in there.
Here.
We're keeping this in a bank with two major branches.
Come on.
The bank's there.
Our shirt's in here.
Let's just go in, show them, and apply for that loan.
Please.
No.
Please.
No.
Please.
No.
And that right there was a little something called us asking for a bank loan.
Now, let's go.
I'm not leaving here until you tell me what the underlying issue is.
I'm not in love with you anymore.
Max, be serious.
This whole t-shirt was your idea.
What's the real problem?
That's the problem.
Those shirts were my idea and nothing that comes from me is worth $15,000.
Aside from that baby I sold on e-baby.
Max, I know these t-shirts are a money maker.
Oh, I have a money maker and that's not it.
I can prove it.
Look, this is Rodney, my childhood overpriced clothing store.
If I had known we were going on the childhood tour today, I would have worn more comfortable shoes and stayed home.
See the shirt on the mannequin?
At least $200.
And there's no reason we can't sell ours for just as much.
I'll show you.
Follow me.
Okay, I will.
But not on Instagram, because you're out of control.
This place is fancy, and I've been to the Newport Authority in Newark.
Just...
Trust me, okay?
You need to jump on those wang pumps.
Or like Ben Affleck, they will be gone, girl.
Let me do the talking.
I speak his language.
What language is that?
Portuguese?
Hello, ladies.
Welcome to Rodney.
I'm Barry.
Doing a little holiday shopping.
We're not allowed to say Christmas.
As a matter of fact, we're doing a little holiday selling.
Oh, you're selling.
Got it.
Molly, Coke.
Now that I'm interested, I've been clean since Fire Island 2010 and 2012.
It must be hard to not be high and be you.
Because it's hard for me to just be near you and not be high.
Yeah, you get it, girl.
Actually, we wanted to see if you'd be interested in selling one of our fabulous graphic T-shirts.
All sorts of no, okay?
As much as I love a fez, a caftan and a teenage boy, this isn't Morocco really.
Long and boring version of no like.
You just didn't know the one-woman show.
Here's our t-shirt.
Look, I'll tell you too.
When I said to a young Marc Jacobs, stop offering, I'm off the junk.
Merry holiday, I'll show merry a holiday.
Our shirts are just as good as these.
He just needs to see it.
Here, hold this.
What are you, American psycho?
As soon as someone says no to you, you start dismembering women.
I can't get her shirt off.
Tell her she can spend the night and we'll buy her a waffle in the morning.
OK, hand me our shirt.
I think this is going to be big for us.
You also think Michael Bublé rocks.
Oh, I have to hurry.
Barry is coming.
Barry is coming.
I'm guessing mostly with strangers.
Seriously?
Seriously.
Two, eight, us, ladies.
So cute.
And look on the back, Krimfeldt.
Funny.
People will think I have a personality.
Barry, put this with my other stuff.
How much?
300.
Forget the sober story.
That guy is high.
I'll take ten.
They'll make great Hanukkah gifts for my friends who don't hate their arms.
All our shirts just got bought by a rich dead lady.
I'll need thirty more by Friday.
