Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.
Okay, I am so excited that you're here with me today because, drumroll please, by huge demand, my husband Chris and I are back behind the mic and let me tell you, this is gonna be good because we asked you to submit your burning questions about relationships to melrobbins .com.
Holy smokes, Were your questions amazing?
And so in just a minute, Chris is gonna join me and we're gonna be answering your questions, talking about everything from how to handle resentment that's been simmering, to dealing with unmet expectations, to navigating family pressures and opinions, to what to do when one of you is changing and the other
one isn't. And trust me when I say, Chris and I are getting real, nothing is off limits.
And whether you're in a relationship, you're single, you're breaking up, you're not, you're working on one, you feel like your roommates, you're in a situationship, I'm going to tell you something.
There is something in these questions and in our answers and what we're going to share today that is exactly what you need to hear.
So without further ado, we're getting raw, we're getting real.
It is relationship time today on the Mel Robbins podcast.
One of the most important relationships in your life is the one that you have with your partner.
I guarantee you there is so much more excitement waiting for you both.
And I have something very simple and surprising that I want to share with you thanks to Celebrity Cruises because they've sponsored this awesome and amazing bonus segment at the end of the episode.
So listen all the way to the end and I'll see you there.
You can learn more at CelebrityCruises .com.
Visit Celebrity .com for details, ships registry, Malta, and Ecuador.
Hey, it's your friend, Mel.
Welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
It is always such a pleasure to be with you and to spend time together.
And if you're brand new, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family.
I am so excited because today my husband, Chris, and I are going to be spending time with you answering your questions.
Ever since I launched the Mel Robbins Podcast, you have been submitting relationship questions to melrobbins .com and today is the day and we are gonna go one by one through your questions.
We're covering so many rich and important topics from resentment to unmet expectations to what to do when you're changing and your spouse isn't or your spouse is changing and you're not, how to agree on parenting issues, how to deal with pressure from your family, what to do when you start to feel like
you're either losing yourself in your marriage or you're starting to drift apart and so much more.
Chris and I have been together for 30 years.
We have three adult children and I'm gonna tell you something.
Whether you're in a relationship right now, whether you've just started, whether you've been together for a long time, whether you've just broken up, there is so much that you're gonna get out of this conversation and I'm absolutely thrilled to be here with you.
And by the way, if you love this format, you ask the questions, I deliver the answers, let me know and we'll keep on doing it.
Here comes Chris, so let's get going.
Hey, honey. Thanks for the invitation.
I'm excited. Okay. So, Chris, I've got a ton of questions from listeners of the podcast who have written in, and I'm just going to read them, and then we're going to tackle them, okay?
I'm ready. All right.
Question number one comes from Rachel.
Hi. I love that you both are always growing as individuals.
I sometimes feel like I'm working on myself, but my partner isn't as focused on personal growth.
how do you two balance working on yourselves individually while also nurturing your relationship together you want to go first no you're stalling aren't you to think of an answer all right i'll go first okay um this is this is the million dollar question why many people why is this a million dollar
question because it it points to a potential fork in the road where somebody is growing and somebody has outwardly chosen not to.
That's true. I am going to attack this two ways.
The first thing I'm going to say is this.
I once heard someone say the secret to a happy marriage is to marry someone who's happy.
And the truth is you cannot make another human being happy.
You can make them a cup of coffee.
You can make some reservations.
You can make the bed that you both sleep in, but you cannot make someone else happy.
You can also not change somebody or force someone to grow.
And the best thing that you can do for your relationship is to stop focusing on what your partner is doing and focus on taking the actions that make you a better person, that make you a happier person.
Invest in your own growth, because when you do that, you naturally bring it back to the relationship.
And if you're with somebody who is not growing and you are growing, there will come a time where there's a fork in the road because you're going to start to probably resent the fact or judge the other person for the fact that they're not doing the work that you're doing.
And interestingly, this is an entire section of the Let Them Theory book.
an entire section, because there is a fundamental fact about human behavior, and it's this.
People only change when they feel like it.
And when you pressure another person to change or to grow in the ways that you are, your pressure doesn't create change, it creates resistance to change.
And so you're right, Chris, this is a conundrum, because the fork in the road is actually very simple.
As you grow, if your partner isn't, there will come a time where you're not going to question your commitment, you're going to question your compatibility.
And you're going to start to ask yourself, can I be in a relationship with someone who is exactly as they are and not willing to lean into life and grow?
So think about it as two separate things.
You should always, always, always be investing in your own growth and your own happiness because the happier you are, the more happiness you're going to bring into your relationship.
But there may come a time where you start to question whether or not you're compatible, and that's a completely different thing.
I struggle with that because that does not actually, I don't see a difference between that and compatibility because if you're committed to growth and development and you you demonstrate that through your own actions and you have the experience that your partner is not inspired by his or her own growth
or development and your actions are not rubbing off on that person, that points to a lack of compatibility.
Well, there's two things that may be at play, and this is why I would encourage you if you're sitting here going, this is becoming a lack of compatibility.
Have you even had the conversation?
Have you sat down and talked about how their lack of interest in their own growth is impacting you?
And if you haven't had the conversation, you need to, and you need to come at it from how it impacts you emotionally, how it makes you feel like you're not being supported, how you may be worried about them.
The second thing I want you to understand is that when a person in a relationship starts to change and grow, it is extraordinarily confronting and scary to their partner.
And I want to share a personal story from our relationship that will really illustrate the reason why you have to have a conversation about what is really going on in terms of how your partner is perceiving all of your growth and change.
So a couple years ago, you decided, Chris, that you were going to just stop drinking.
And when you said you're going to stop drinking, which is an incredible form of personal growth, and it's a big change, positive change to make in your life, I was like, yay you.
Go be better. I love that for you.
You are drinking too much.
You're exactly right.
And You never, ever shamed me or made a request of me to stop drinking.
You chose to do that for your growth.
And I think that's an important point.
He wasn't doing it for me.
He was doing it for himself.
Because adults change when they feel like changing and they change for themselves.
So fast forward a couple days, Chris is not drinking at all.
and you are the least dramatic person I know.
You never complained.
You never had a fuss about it.
You just quietly, consistently showed up for yourself.
So I'd say it was about the fourth day.
I'm cooking dinner and I open up the fridge and I open up a bottle of wine because I love cooking dinner and I love cooking dinner with a glass of wine in my hand and you walk in and I'm like, hey, would you like a glass of wine?
And you said no. And I was like, oh, come on.
It's just a glass of wine.
And you're like, Mel, I'm not drinking.
And then I'm like, well, it's kind of just like juice.
And you didn't think that was funny?
And as I tell the story, I realized I look like a complete monster and jerk because I am now not only making a joke about what you're trying to do, I'm actively undermining the change you're trying to make.
And I'll never forget this.
You looked me square in the eye, Chris, and you said, do you remember what you said?
No. You don't? This changed my life, what you said.
I got a couple of things you've said to me that have changed my life, and you probably don't even know it yourself.
That's true. I've never thought about that.
But this is what you said.
you said, Mel, no one cares what's in your glass but you.
Stop asking me if I want to have a drink.
I have told you I am not drinking.
And I think I was like, okay, okay, well, I just feel kind of weird like having a glass of wine alone.
And you said, if you're self -conscious about what's in your glass, then you should be looking in the mirror and asking yourself why.
And the point of this story is that when someone that you love changes, you in your mind understand that that's good.
But as you see the person changing and growing and getting better, it forces you to take a look at your own behavior, and that is extraordinarily confronting.
and i want you to understand this because your partner may want to grow but they may be stuck in that mode where they don't feel like doing it yet any pressure any shame it is 1000 percent going to push them away from you and chris did the best thing in the world chris just carried on and you focused
on what you wanted to change.
And I'm gonna tell you something, your partner's behavior influences you.
I said you cannot force someone else to change.
I never said you couldn't influence them.
Every time you wake up and you roll out of bed an hour and a half earlier than I do, I hear you get up and it makes me think I should do that.
Every time you go and you take the dogs on a loop, I think I should do that.
And that's exactly what your partner is thinking, whether they're telling you that or not.
And when you said, Chris, that it is a compatibility issue, it's true.
At some point, if your partner doesn't ever feel like changing, like let's say you get sober and you don't, it's just not gonna work for you.
It's a deal breaker to be with somebody who drinks.
That's okay. Only you know if you're in a situation based on your growth and your partner's lack of growth, if you've gotten to a point where the road forks and this is a deal breaker.
And here's how you can tell if it's a deal breaker because I wrote an entire section about all this in the let them theory.
If the person never changes, they keep drinking, they never take care of their health, they never address the depression, they never speak to you kindly, can you continue to choose them and love them as they are?
and the only way that you're going to be able to answer that question is can you end your complaining about it?
If you can't end your complaining, this is a deal breaker.
And based on the research in the Let Them Theory book, deal breakers are things that make you give up on your dreams and your values.
But the vast majority of stuff that people kind of are frustrated about are not deal breakers at all.
They're just differences in what people prioritize in their life.
Is there anything else you want to add?
I just want to speak to anybody who might be on the other side who has not embarked on some of these changes, growth choices, what have you, Because I think that when you are in a relationship where somebody takes off, it's easy to sometimes conclude that, well, nothing I can do to catch up, throw my
arms up. Nah, I don't need to go learn that or try this new thing or I can't.
And I would just say to those people, there is always a perfect time to make that choice, regardless of what your significant other may or may not have done.
This would be the perfect episode to send to your partner and open up this conversation.
Because what I've found is that people also tend to change when they're given the space to come to their own conclusions and feel like this was their decision, not their partner's decision.
And this is super important because the other thing that happens is you start to feel like there's something wrong with you, which means you're going to want to defend yourself.
if you feel like somebody's trying to change you.
It's part of human wiring.
And so just to kind of close the loop on this, it is so great that you're growing.
You have to have the conversation about how your partner feels and how their lack of interest in this is making you feel.
And once you have that conversation and you also affirm that you love this person and you accept them as they are and you apologize for pressuring them and you ask for what you need for support, back off, back off.
You have to give someone else the space to work through their stuff and come to their own conclusions.
And you'll know when you get to the point where it's a fork in the road and you're like, I don't know if I can be with somebody who's like this.
And that's when you're at the point where you're like, is this a deal breaker for me?
And only you know that.
Ready for the next one?
All right, Mark. Chris, you take the next one.
Yeah. Hey, Mel, society and even family sometimes seems to put a lot of pressure on my marriage in ways I wasn't expecting.
How do you and Chris deal with outside pressures like societal expectations or family opinions that might impact your relationship?
Mark, I got a quote for you.
a house divided cannot stand.
What does that mean?
It means pressure from the outside cannot tear you and your partner apart.
It's the cracks from within your relationship that do that.
So if outside pressure or family's opinions are getting to you and your spouse, that tells me that you two are not on the same page.
You two need to get together and agree on what you value you and what your parenting style is and why, and that's what creates a house that is together, and once you're together, there is nothing on the outside that can make you fall.
I would also say that if you haven't had that conversation, it's cool to sit together and actually consider, regardless of how many years you may be together, but what your values are and what the other person's values are and why and how are they or are they not even aligned because perception may not be
reality there. You know, one of the things in writing the Let Them Theory book that I realized when it comes to parenting and families is that when you and your partner decide what your values are and what your traditions are and what your parenting style and philosophy and approach is, It is going
to be yours. And if it's different than what you grew up in, guess what?
Your parents are gonna see that as some rejection of how they did it.
They're gonna take it personally, it's natural.
I think when our kids grow up and they have families of their own, if they do things differently, we'll probably have a little bit of like, because we know what we know.
And so the other thing to consider is just understand that people are going to have their opinions.
Let them be a little bothered that you're doing things differently because they're now questioning the way they did things, right?
And you and your partner get on the same page, and then there's room for both things to be true.
There's room for the old traditions and the ways in which you both grew up, and then there's room for you two to come together and figure out how you're going to do it for your family.
Super cool question.
All right, I'll do the next one.
This one's from Sarah.
Hey Mel, my spouse and I have been feeling a bit distance after having kids and moving to a new city.
What advice would you give to couples who feel like they've started to drift apart, especially after a big life change?
Carve out a dedicated moment in the week to do something either familiar or totally new, I would say.
You and I have, we've been talking about getting back to doing a dance class together that we so loved doing 25 years ago.
But this is a good, whether it's dedicated dinner, date, coffee, walk in the woods, whatever.
Hold the time in your calendar.
Chris and I have just spent the last couple of years having like a weekly therapy session.
And the best part about it wasn't the therapy.
It was the fact that we had a dedicated time in the calendar every week during the day, once a week to come together and just pause and talk for 40 minutes about how we were doing.
And you can create that for yourself.
I'm not talking about a date night.
I'm talking about holding space in your calendar.
No phones, no children, no pets, just you two.
And we also just moved to a brand new place.
We lived outside of Boston for 26 years where we raised our kids for the most part and then moved to a small town in Southern Vermont where we really didn't know a lot of people.
And one of the things that we did is we made a point once a week to go try to explore something in our new area.
You just move to a new place.
That's super cool. Find a new hike.
Try a new restaurant.
Explore a new neighborhood.
These are all opportunities for you two to learn and laugh and grow together.
which is super cool.
I just love these questions.
It's really making me think about our relationship and opportunities for us to do an even better job coming together and supporting each other.
So thank you. Thank you for taking the time to submit them.
And you can go to melrobins .com slash podcast.
There's a form there where you can suggest topics or submit questions.
And I would love to answer your questions on an upcoming episode.
So let's take a moment here a word from our amazing sponsors.
And when we come back, Chris and I will be waiting for you after this short break.
Stay with us. Welcome back.
Today, I'm here with my husband, Chris.
I am so thrilled that he is here by my side, and I'm so glad you're still here with us.
And I'm loving these questions.
Here's an Owen. Jessica, I've been married for five years, and sometimes I just need space.
But I don't want my spouse to feel like I'm pulling away.
How do you and Chris set boundaries with each other when it comes to needing personal space or alone time?
Well, I think first you got to have a conversation about what constitutes alone time.
What do you need? And what serves you?
Not just what is alone time, but when do you need it and for how long?
This isn't a problem for me because I figured out that I need alone time, and I carved it out with you and your understanding.
Two to three hours in the morning, I get up super early and go do whatever my thing is, whether it's working out or being outside or being in the office.
I think the reason why that really works for me is because I laid that out for you, that I not only need it, this is what it gives for me.
And also, please do not interrupt.
What I love about that is Chris has not negotiated for that and pulled time away for me.
He claimed that for himself and you can too.
You can create a morning routine where you get alone time.
And Chris is also really good about saying, I need to take a couple nights out and go on a solo hike in the woods.
And then he also though has the consideration to go, when would it work?
and we work together on carving it out.
And so the really big takeaway here is every single person in a relationship has needs.
Never expect your partner to read your mind.
Never expect your partner to just know what those needs are and when you need them.
When you recognize your own needs and you respect yourself and your partner enough to be able to sit down and say, hey, this is something I need.
This is why I need it.
Can we collaborate on when and how this is going to work?
That's when you both win.
Next. Oh, this is a good one, Chris.
This comes from Josh.
Hey, Mel and Chris, my wife and I don't always see eye to eye when it comes to parenting decisions.
How do you two handle disagreements when it comes to raising your kids?
Do you ever butt heads on how to handle certain situations?
I'm laughing, Josh, because if there's one thing we fight about more than anything else.
What is it? Our kids?
No. Why are you asking that?
That's the only thing I fight with you about.
Yeah, I suppose right, about where they are, how close they are, or far they are.
And how to approach situations, how to solve problems, how to support, and when to let them struggle.
And I have anxiety that's easily triggered.
So if there's a problem and one of our kids calls, I'm a yes person.
I'm a jump in and fix it person because it makes me anxious when one of our kids is struggling, even though I know that struggle is important and you gotta let them struggle because that's how you learn.
But I'm quick to be like, okay, okay, okay, I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it.
Whereas you are way more grounded and way more patient.
And we can give you some examples.
Why don't you tell them what happened last night with our son?
Yeah, Oakley called us and we were talking about right now he's a freshman and he doesn't have a car in school and nor do I think that he should have a car in school.
Certainly not in this first year.
And, uh, I mean, it's a luxury in general, but he says, Oh, well, you know, something about next semester, you know, maybe next semester I'll have the car.
And Mel said, uh, great.
and i was walking by i wasn't even barely on the phone call i just heard it and thought hang on that's not great that's not a good idea at all um but what i have to say about that question and even this thing that came up with oakley is that it occurred to me that while it seems like a simple thing to
actually stop and reflect on why it is that i'm a no and you're a yes, and maybe consider that an extra two or three minutes of conversing about the difference that we have is going to reveal something larger.
I'm not even sure why it is that I'm a no.
You just actually gave me a fantastic idea.
I just had a huge epiphany after 30 years of being with you.
Amen. And it goes down to a deeper issue, which is how do you and your partner solve problems?
I am the kind of person that is extraordinarily decisive because the unknown feels scary to me.
And I create certainty and I solve problems by just making a decision.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Ready, fire, aim. Correct.
We know you, Mel. You, though, are the kind of person that stops and thinks.
So I step the gas, you tap the brakes.
And if you call me a yes and I call you a no, that's where that sort of house -divided thing happens.
And our kids use this to their advantage nonstop.
They know that crack is there.
Here's the breakthrough I just had.
Not just our kids, all kids.
But here's the breakthrough I just had.
There's a tool that you could use if this is you and your partner and it's not yes or no, it's maybe.
That when you get asked a question by one of your kids and your spouse is not there or you haven't had, as Chris calls it, your three minute discussion about the deeper issue, say maybe.
Say maybe. because maybe isn't a yes or a no.
It's a recognition that I got to talk to your mom or dad because you're right.
I don't know why I said yes and you don't know why you said no, but we get caught in this.
And I'll give you another example.
There was a period in our life where two of our kids had just extraordinarily acute anxiety to the point where they couldn't sleep in their rooms.
And we're talking sixth grade?
That late? Fourth grade, sixth grade?
Somewhere in the sixth to fourth grade zone.
And it started where...
Whenever the first one grew out of it, the second one rolled right in behind them.
I'm telling you, there was for three years a train of pitter pattering feet that would come into our bedroom at night.
And we're talking late into elementary school here.
They had already been sleeping through the night and then all of a sudden anxiety hits And, you know, they'd come to my side of the bed because Chris is a no and I'm a yes.
And I would just lift up the sheets and they'd roll right in.
And it ultimately got to the point where Chris and I did have that three minute conversation.
How do we want to handle this?
What are we going to do?
And neither one of us wanted to actually do what we should have done, which is march them back upstairs every single night, sit with them until they go to sleep and then go back down.
So we just ended up making a bed on the floor of our room.
And if they came down, that was our rule.
You can't get in bed with us, but you can sleep right there.
And that is not parenting advice that I would recommend.
I would recommend listening to a parenting expert.
But we got on the same page because we had the deeper conversation.
And we looked at the options and we made a decision.
We weren't willing to interrupt our sleep at that period in our lives to do the parenting that was necessary to walk them back up and force them to tolerate the discomfort and learn how to fall back asleep again.
Okay, so let's take a quick pause so we can hear a word from our amazing sponsors, but don't you dare go anywhere.
We have so many more questions to answer that have been submitted by your fellow listeners from around the world.
So stay with us. Chris and I are going to be back to spend some time together with you after this short break.
welcome back it's your buddy mel robbins i'm here with my husband chris today and we are answering your questions so let's jump into the next one lauren hey mel and chris you guys have been together for a long time how do you both manage to keep your individuality and personal interests alive while
being in such a close marriage i sometimes feel like i'm losing myself in my marriage you want to take that or you want me to no let me hear what you have to say to that I don't think this is a marriage problem.
I think it's a you problem.
There is no reason why you should lose your identity to your marriage.
In fact, the single best way to grow your marriage is to grow yourself.
And if you feel like you're losing yourself in your marriage, that is a massive wake -up call that your purpose for the next six months needs to be bettering yourself.
whatever it takes to either improve your health or improve your happiness or improve your sleep or carve out time to be creative again, to learn something new again.
That's not your marriage's issue.
It's yours. And your marriage will get way better when you start to focus on becoming a better version of yourself.
Anything you'd add?
Yeah, just that, I mean, it's an excellent point and question when I think about even a lot of the men that I have spent time with who - Can you give everybody a little, what do you mean men you've spent time with?
I host a men's retreat called Soul Degree where a couple times a year, 12 of us circle up in a remote location and spend five days together diving into the things that matter.
And often one of those conversations revolves around our own needs and identifying our needs.
And even to the point where there are men who haven't taken the time to even identify what might be, let's say, a hobby that actually fuels them.
And so this concept of keeping your individuality and your personal interests alive and looking after you is not always so intuitive for people to be able to actually zoom out and say, okay, yeah, even if they're not thinking about how do I remain individual in my relationship, it's the zoom out and sort
of seeing or taking the time to determine these are things that i need for myself which will naturally foster that that sense of chasing your own interest well what ends up happening if you don't do what chris is telling you to do which is maybe you've never even asked yourself what do i need what am
i interested in what are some things that i want to do with my life, because this may be a newsflash to you, but you were not put on this planet to just be somebody's spouse.
And if you don't have a purpose for yourself, you will resent your marriage because you'll blame your marriage for the fact that you don't have a purpose that is individual.
And if you don't know what that purpose is, I will tell you what it is.
It's making yourself your purpose, improving yourself, investing in yourself, forming better habits, taking a class, spending time with your friends.
If you make bettering yourself your sole purpose for the next six months, it will improve your marriage.
Because you'll stop looking at your marriage as the solution to your unhappiness, and you'll see that you are always the source of your happiness, that you are the solution to any problem that you face.
And when you get happier, and when you grow, you then bring all that back into the marriage.
The guys out there are like, oh, okay, so now I should just go play 72 holes of golf.
Yeah, within reason, you got it.
Within reason, I was thinking.
But here's the difference.
That doesn't mean pack up your golf bags and drive away for the weekend.
It means sitting down with your partner and going, I've realized something.
I've really lost myself in my role as a spouse and as a parent.
And I, in the next six months, am going to do some work to try to improve myself and focus a little bit on my health and my happiness.
And I want to do that because I want our relationship to get better.
And one thing that I've really missed is being able to play golf on the weekends with my friends.
I'm lonely. it would be okay if i if i take off saturday and i'm gone all day and i go your spouse would be like oh my god please because you're driving me crazy and you're sad and i would love to see you happy again but there's that consideration of once you understand your needs communicate communicate all
right here's a great question from anna hey mal and chris i feel like unmet expectations of my relationship often lead to resentment, which is hard to shake.
How do you guys handle disappointments or unmet expectations with each other without letting them build into something bigger?
Oh, I love this question.
Unmet expectations, they rise in all forms.
It could be feeling like the amount of effort that you're both putting in isn't equal.
It might be expectations about money and how much you're contributing financially or whether or not you're ambitious and going after it or going after that bigger job.
It might be something like that we've struggled with, which is this kind of disconnect on birthdays and celebrating and holidays.
And for me, at the source of every moment where I've either been disappointed in you or I've had unmet expectations that left me feeling either angry or disappointed, the truth is there was a utter lack of communication on my part about what I wanted and why.
It's not that you disappointed me.
It's that I disappointed and let myself down because I didn't identify and ask for what I needed.
Nobody can meet your expectations if they don't know what they are.
And that's not your partner's responsibility to mind read.
It's yours to open your mouth and actually communicate clearly what you need and why you need it.
If you do that, and then your partner doesn't do it, now you can be disappointed.
Yeah, but I remember a time when I didn't meet your birthday expectations.
Which was actually throwing a party.
Exactly, that's precisely what you were - But you didn't communicate that.
So - Here we go, because I'm like, what kind of a moron doesn't know that you want a party on your birthday?
Well, and I'm saying that to illustrate a point, which is that often there is a missed opportunity to communicate that or just to your point, not even thinking, well, I don't need to tell them that.
Of course I want to party.
And I want to make sure there's 100 people there and a massive cake and balloons and confetti and the rest of it.
But your point is well taken, which is communicate what you need or want.
And I want to be responsible that when I quipped, what kind of moron doesn't know that?
That was me 10 years ago.
That's what unmet expectations and resentment sounds like.
That's what will kill your relationship.
Death by a thousand cuts.
What is he, moron? What is she?
Out to lunch? That sort of energy and tone is what fuels these just cracks in an otherwise solid foundation.
And you're right. that wasn't on you it was on me because I had never even explained that this mattered to me I just sat there silently and was mad at you that you didn't just know and that's a really important thing to take away from this question in particular which is don't ever assume that your
partner knows instead take responsibility for making sure they do know what you need and why you need it, which makes them way more empowered to be able to rise up and act like the partner that you really want and need in life.
Like the more that I've told you what I need, you're like, oh, that's easy.
This is a heck of a lot easier if you just give me a list than sitting there resenting me, wishing I had somehow known this.
Yeah. And I think when it deals with things that you and I need as individuals, that's one thing.
but this conversation also makes me think about how complex this can be when it comes to the question about parenting issues and how do you resolve that and because those are expectations that you would have otherwise never talked about before or assumed I remember when the first time that a kid of ours
could get herself home in my mind by like a taxi oh we'll just send a taxi to the airport or what have you.
You were, you nearly died.
You were like, are you out of your mind?
No, no, no. We're driving to the airport.
We're going to go pick that person up.
That's how we do it.
And again, that was, didn't even occur to me because I always had, you know, my parents were sending taxis for me to the airport.
So, but this - I've got a lot to say about that, by the way, not only to your parents, but also to your therapist, this is a really important nuance.
So one of our kids was flying home from college and Chris was like, oh, we'll just send an Uber.
I'm like, what planet do you live on?
Send an Uber to get your kid when they're, what?
But I'm talking about dealing with that expectation real time, which is often the way in which these things get flushed out.
And it did in that conversation.
And here's the bigger thing.
My lived experience was where I pick you up at the Curb Airport family.
In fact, if we can get good parking, we'll come inside and wait for you.
That is a show of love.
You lived in London and outside of New York City for most of your life and your dad was always traveling.
And so taxis were kind of a way of life.
And you were simply making a decision out of your lived experience.
It's what you knew.
And by the way, same with me.
And a lot of times that's also where this disconnect and expectations come from.
That I just expect you to do things the way that I've always done them and you do the same and this is the greatest opportunity.
You get to co -create your relationship.
The whole point of the relationship is not to turn each other into each other.
It's not to jam your expectations or way of doing things down someone else's throat.
It's to come together and to learn from each other and to take the time to understand where the other person is coming from and then figure out together what you're going to do from there.
And what I've learned from this conversation is I'm going to start saying maybe a whole lot more when our kids are asking us about anything.
Anything else you want to add, hon?
Just that I love you and I love your comment about co -creating because you could, you can fall in and out of that process of feeling like, hey, we can create this however we want.
There's something very inspiring and freeing about knowing that every day you get up, whether it's a parenting issue or what you and I are dealing with and can start over.
I also think that the cool thing about stopping and understanding what's underneath it.
It allows you to understand what to give more weight to.
If the deeper reason is really deep for you, then I'm going to always defer to you.
And you do that with me.
And there's one other thing that I want to share, and it's this.
I recently heard somebody say that second marriages are amazing, especially when they're with the same person.
And I love that because every day that you wake up, you have an opportunity to create a second marriage with the same person.
And that's the power of understanding that your marriage is this organic thing that grows over time as you both grow.
And there's always something that you can learn in any crisis, any question, any decision, if you're willing to not lean away from each other, but to lean into each other.
I love you, Chris Robbins.
I love you too. And I love these questions.
If you have other questions that you want Chris and I to answer or any other topics you want us to cover, just go to MelRobbins .com slash podcast and you'll see a form there.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you for asking such important and really, I think, profound and relevant questions that we're all kind of grappling with.
Thank you for being here together with us.
And I want to make sure in case no one else tells you this, to tell you that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life.
And there's no doubt in my mind that when you both figure out what you need and you really work on making yourself happy and a better version of yourself, and you bring that back into your relationships, Those relationships are just going to get better and better and better and better And one thing
that would make it better share this episode With your partner and listen together Because I think it's going to spark a lot of things to talk about and when that happens it always brings you Together, all righty i'll be waiting for you in the very next episode six seven eight nine ten so did chris just
cry like crazy christopher robbins my husband and oh god okay i'm gonna go get chris and we'll be right back oh here comes chris hey honey it smells like a dead animal i think there is a dead animal under this thing a house divided what is it a house divided will fall so in that last clip do they like
zoom in on you so it didn't matter like what i was doing over here like you're interesting we'll keep you there what is he barking at yolo uh what should i say now who's coming oh hi yolo chris you crushed it thank you so much that was great maybe we should have chris guest and do some solo episodes
how about that oh and one more thing and no this is not a blooper this is the legal language you know what the lawyers write, and what I need to read to you.
This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.
I'm just your friend, I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.
Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
Stitcher. First of all, thank you for sticking around for this amazing bonus segment.
But before I jump into it, I want to give a huge shout out to Celebrity Cruises for sponsoring this.
Did you know that with Celebrity Cruises, you can visit nearly 300 fantastic destinations around the world, all from the comfort of ships that have so many things to do that the ships are destinations in their own right?
I'm talking elevated guest rooms where comfort is everything, live entertainment you don't want to miss, top -notch food and drinks, and that's just on the ship.
I mean, what could be better than soaking up the culture of Europe or breathing in the cool, crisp air of the Alaskan wilderness or tanning as you sail the clear blue water under the Caribbean sun?
Well, I'll tell you what's better.
Doing all of that with someone you love.
I want you to think about this.
Think about how amazing it is to travel somewhere new with someone special, somebody that you deeply care about?
When's the last time you guys even took a trip without your kids?
I mean, maybe instead of trying to force a date night in, what if you put something in the calendar for three to six months from now?
And I'm suggesting that you do that because of the research.
Research has proven that just planning a trip or putting something into your calendar in the future can boost your happiness now.
and that's even before you're on the cruise ship or you're on the mountaintop or you're lying on the beach.
See, doing something fun, like planning a trip, it's the ticket to a richer and more meaningful relationship, and you may be sitting around like, okay, well, they need to plan it.
Well, what about you?
Instead of waiting for it to happen or waiting for the right time, do it now, because when you decide to do something fun with someone you love, you know what you're doing?
you're saying you're important to me.
Just planning something like that proves that spending time together doing new things matters, and it brings you together, and I know you know this.
I know you know this, but I need to remind you of this because the stupid things are what take up our time, and that means that we don't make time to experience the new things that could add depth to your connection and create new memories.
And now you're sitting here with your friend Mel going, you're right, Mel.
You're right, Mel. Because one of these days, you're gonna be looking back on your life and what are you gonna remember?
You're gonna remember these things that you planned.
You're gonna realize that the true foundation of your relationship were all of these memories that you made together.
And that is fully within your power to create.
So don't you dare finish listening to this and not put something in your calendar three to six months from now for you guys to go away.
And I also want to thank Celebrity Cruises for sponsoring this special segment.
And I want you to imagine you and your partner, I mean, enjoying the cozy, intimate feel of a small ship that has everything you'd expect from something bigger.
You and your partner taking in the beautiful ocean views, world -class entertainment, and all this amazing food with your favorite person.
And you want to know the best part about going on a cruise?
you don't have to do anything.
Seriously. You just plan the trip and pick the dates.
They take care of everything.
It's all done for you.
You don't have to worry about the dinner reservations or the car rentals or the headaches of trying to get yourself from one place to the other.
You could just have fun and enjoy the person you love as you explore an amazing new place.
That's what Celebrity Cruises is all about, A travel experience unlike any other.
Learn more at celebritycruises .com.
Visit celebrity .com for details.
Ships Registry, Malta, and Ecuador.
